Chapter 3 – Messy In And Out

I'd been to many different mess halls throughout my time in the Australian Defence Force. The first one at Military College that was orderly but friendly; filled with the faces and voices of my fellow recruits chatting away. The temporary one out in the middle of the Australian outback; where snakes would casually slither by the boots of un-fazed soldiers. The eerily quiet one in the Allied Nations hospital in Damascus Syria; filled to the brim with sombre medical staff and wounded soldiers.

None however held any light to the mess hall of the Mother of Invention. Had I known the chaos that awaited me the first time I entered through the doors, I would have skipped dinner. Of all the things I thought I could count on in this waking-dream of a day, one would be a civilised meal area. This of course however, was an Alternate and New Reality with rules straight out of a comedic web series full of crazies and idiots. I should have been smarter than to think I could walk in without every single person turning to stare at me, before turning to whisper to each other in hushed tones like teenage girls at high school. I should have been wise enough to see the warning signs of fight that started over hushed whispers of "Dibs." I should have been aware enough to notice the hulking form of Agent Maine that was about to cross my path, or Agent Wyoming leaning on the end of a table on the other side. However I did none of these things because of my single-minded craving for the food I could smell wafting throughout the hall. I was bee-lining it to the serving line; because I hadn't eaten since well before my fourteen-hour hospital shift. The one that had been interrupted by some inter-dimensional travel and recruitment into a top-secret military project.

Depending on how you see it, I was lucky or unlucky enough to have the reflexes of a ninja. Noticing the collision course with Maine from the corner of my peripheral vision, I spun away quickly on one foot, positioning my arms outwards at shoulder height for spin-efficiency. Unfortunately at that point I hadn't noticed Wyoming in the path of my elbow, which was at head height for him. He's shorter than I'd thought, was not the thought that should have been on my mind at the time, but it was. Somehow, defying all my logical reasoning, Wyoming somehow managed to fall forward and head-butt Maine straight in the balls. Neither of them were wearing armour, and Wyoming was apparently quite a heavy guy with a thick skull. They both then somehow managed to fall backwards into the military personnel waiting in line, as well as those exiting with trays laden with bowls of food and cups of beverages. They all went down like bowling pins while I watched; my mouth hinged open in shock.

Apparently that day's meal was some sort of beef stew; a fact that I learnt as I watched it fly from multiple sources through the air, covering everyone within five metres of the 'crash' site. Everyone except for me. Maybe it's my lucky day, I thought sarcastically while I waited for the fallout that would end the currently stunned silence of the mess hall. I tried desperately not to burst out into laughter whilst the two Agents and other various soldiers tried to untangle their limbs and get up, before most of them fell back down again after slipping in the stew that had pooled on the floor. I felt my face flush red, not in embarrassment, but amusement as I tried to hold back my laughter and my eyes starting to water from the effort.

Then someone to my right started to laugh uncontrollably; Agent Florida. He was then followed by both Agents New Mexico and Georgia whom were seated around him. Florida's face started going red from the effort as he banged his fists on the table in appreciation. Then everyone in the mess hall starting laughing, followed by a lough cheer of "Food fight!" That's when everything started to really go to hell. I quickly slid underneath a table to escape the ensuring massacre, crawling and ducking between the tables towards the exit. I made it to the door unscathed and I turned around to look over the scene in front of me. There was stew everywhere, as well as some sort of slimy chocolate pudding that smeared down the walls that I hadn't noticed before.

Just as I was about to make my escape I heard a gravelly voice growly out, "YOU!" Everyone in the mess hall once again turned to stare at me, giving me a sense of déjà vu from mere minutes ago. They all apparently noticed my pristine grey tank-top and black tracksuit pants that I had put on after my shower half an hour ago. They all apparently decided that it wasn't acceptable for me to be free of food. I could have made it out the door and run, but I decided to man-up and take the hit. All I could do is cross my arms in front of my head to protect my hair and face, as well as bracing myself before the ensuring tidal wave of stew and pudding hit me full-force.

After a few moments the barrage ceased and I flicked my arms out to rid myself of the watery food running down them. Looking up I noticed Agents Maine and Wyoming grinning at me. All was apparently forgiven. Smiling back, I then proceeded to walk past them and arrive at the serving line which had been abandoned in all the excitement. Grabbing a tray, I then added a bowl of the remaining stew, two bread rolls, an apple and a cup which I filled with soda along with cutlery. Meanwhile everyone was watching my every move in shocked silence as I then took my tray to the table where Florida, New Mexico and Georgia were seated, and sat down next to the red and orange New Mexico.

I stuffed my mouth full of food as quickly as possible after I mumbled out a, "Nice to meet you all, I'm Agent Arizona," while they watched, slightly stunned.

The first to recover was, as expected, Florida who was across from me. "Hi I'm Agent Florida," he then paused gesturing to the helmetless green Spartan on his left, "this is Agent Georgia, and you already know Agent New Mexico."

I just grunted and nodded in reply as I continued to scoff down my food in a ravenous frenzy. New Mexico chuckled and then asked me, "When was your last meal Arizona? Last week?"

I swallowed my mouthful of food and washed it down with a gulp of the cola-flavoured soda before replying. "Well technically yes, because today is a Monday and I have eaten a meal since before my last ward rotation over thirty hours ago."

New Mexico didn't get a chance to reply before Florida let out an almost girl-like "How absolutely fantastic!" followed by, "It's going to be great having a Doctor on the team, what with Maine loving to break everyone's bones every training session and all, it'll make for a great response time!"

I just chuckled as I finished inhaling my stew and started bitting off massive chunks of my apple. New Mexico lightly face-palmed his forehead, muttering something under his breath, while Georgia warily regarded the two other Agents that had decided to join us. Maine sat down next to me, soaked in stew, with pudding smeared across his bald head. Wyoming sat across from him next to Florida, his dark moustache holding some small chunks of vegetables. The sight of the two of them made me choke on a piece of apple as I snort-laughed. Before I could even start coughing Maine thumped me hard on the back with his open hand which helped me recover.

"Thanks man, you must be Maine," I said before drinking from my cup to wash down any left-over apple chunks. He just grunted in reply.

Wyoming laughed before speaking in his heavy British accent, "Well dearie, since you already know that I'm assuming you already know my name?"

"Wyoming," I replied and he nodded.

"And yours?"

"Arizona."

"Most splendid," he said cheerfully, "by the way I can't help but notice you've got an accent there, from where do you hail?"

"Australia," I replied with a non-committed shrug. I wasn't sure yet whether or not being from Earth is considered rare or not, or even very 'cool'. This was then answered when everyone gave me appreciative and awed looks.

For the first time Georgia spoke in an almost conspiratorial tone, "You must have seen real life snakes and crocodiles then?"

Everyone was watching me expectantly, hanging on my every word. "Well yeah I've seen almost every venomous species of snake we have and I've held a four-foot long croc." They looked at me like I'd told them we'd be having shore leave on a magical island with an all you could eat buffet. Every word I had said was true too. I had grown up in the outskirts of Brisbane; the capital city of Queensland. My family had owned a large rural cattle property and as a kid I had the entire 'country' experience. Horse rides, cattle herding, snakes and creek swimming. Couldn't have asked for more really. I miss my parents, I thought sullenly.

The other Agents must have noticed the change in my demeanour; especially Florida who smiled sadly at me. Finishing my apple I stood up said, "Pleasure meeting you all, I'll see you at training in the morning," before dumping my tray in the provided bin and exiting the mess hall. It had been an emotional rollercoaster of a dinner. Just one more thing that was added to my list of topics that I'd normally discuss with my parents, but another that I'd most likely never be able to ever again.