Chapter One-Hundred-and-Seventy-One; Hurtling in Love

Numerous drinks later and pointless rambling exhausted…Stephanie eventually collapsed defeated back against the sofa, running a hand through her hair desperately.

"What the hell am I doing, Ellen?" Stephanie asked hopelessly; finally ready to address the topic she had been avoiding all night.

"Enjoying a very fine bottle or four of whiskey with me, at some forsaken hour in the morning, in the middle of the Capitol."

Stephanie smirked fleetingly. "I wish things really were that simple," she murmured wistfully under her breath.

Electra merely mirrored her smirk, taking another sip from her glass. "Things rarely are, Stephanie."

"Why didn't you tell me, Ellen?"

"I tried."

"You count that confusing conversation you sprang on me after me and Haymitch broke up, as 'trying to tell me'?!"

"You never would have believed me if I had of said it straight out to you," Electra replied knowingly. "You had to discover it for yourself – the hard way."

Stephanie scoffed lightly, knowing Electra was right. "I still can't believe it now, even," she said quietly.

"Stephanie, you know if I had of tried to tell you that you had feelings for Seneca, directly after you had broken up with Haymitch, you would have probably tackled me out of the room."

Stephanie managed a chuckle that felt more pained than it should have as she conceded Electra's point. If the blue-haired woman had of even mentioned the possibility of Stephanie having feelings for Seneca during the absolute heartbreak Stephanie had been suffering when Haymitch ended things with her – Stephanie imagined she probably would have done more than punch the woman.

"Here. I know that look. That's the look that means you are in need of more drink," Electra said as she tipped more amber liquid into Stephanie's already half-full glass.

Stephanie snorted. "I doubt this is going to help me see my way through the situation I've landed myself in, any clearer."

"You'd be surprised. Alcohol lends a certain clarity to a situation that you don't get when sober."

"And what kind of clarity would that be?" Stephanie queried drolly, sipping from her freshly filled glass.

"The honest kind. It's harder to lie to yourself when you're drunk, because your brain's too muddied to try and think up lies."

"Lies like what?"

"Lies like you feel nothing for Seneca Crane or that you hate him."

Stephanie rolled her eyes, lowering her glass from her lips. "I've already admitted I don't hate Seneca Crane. And I came to that conclusion before your help, thank you very much." Stephanie paused, drawing in a rallying breath. "I've admitted to myself, and to Haymitch that I have…feelings for Seneca. I'm…attracted to him."

Electra scoffed contemptuously. "I wish you would just get over yourself already and admit you like him."

Stephanie glared at Electra hard. "I love Haymitch," she protested vehemently.

Electra lowered her glass from her lips. "I never said you didn't Stephanie," she replied, "I just said that you also liked Seneca."

"You can't like two people in that way, at the same time," Stephanie argued angrily.

"Course you can," Electra replied easily with a dangerous smile, "I loved each and every one of my Capitol lovers when I was with them," she added.

Stephanie slammed her glass down harshly on the coffee table and made to get up and stalk out of the room before she could possibly land Electra another punch to the face. But when she gained her feet, she veered violently to the right, almost crashing right through the coffee table. She fleetingly eyed the fourth almost empty bottle of whiskey on the table; Have we really drank that much?!

"Stephanie, sit down before you hurt yourself," Electra ordered in a bored voice.

Stephanie scowled, but dutifully flopped back onto the sofa with a heavy huff. She was sure she heard her dress tear but she didn't care enough to check.

Electra calmly refilled Stephanie's glass that had spilled slightly when she slammed it down on the table. She held it out to Stephanie offering, and Stephanie begrudgingly accepted it.

She leaned back on the sofa, with the now familiar weight of a glass in her hand, staring morosely at the brassy, amber liquid.

"How can I justify feeling anything for Seneca other than absolute hatred? How can I hate the Capitol, the Games, President Snow and yet have these feelings for Seneca?"

"How?" Electra said, shaking her head hopelessly at Stephanie. "Stephanie, if you are somehow hoping to be able to find a logical, understandable reason for what attracts human beings to one another, then we really are going to be here all night," she muttered sardonically.

Stephanie looked up at Electra making to speak when Electra cut across her.

"And as for trying to justify your feelings for Seneca – why do they need to be justified? You feel what you do, because you do and that's that."

"But Ellen he's…he's killed people like us; people from the Districts," Stephanie protested desperately.

"And you knew that before and it still didn't stop you developing feelings for him. So what's the point in torturing yourself with the fact now?"

"But I'm supposed to hate him!"

"Supposed to?" Electra echoed disdainfully. "Stephanie, you're still caught up in that friends and enemies list you drew up with Haymitch, that said Seneca was an enemy. But this is real life. And real life doesn't fit nicely onto a page. Real people don't slot neatly into little categories because you want them to and because that would be easier to deal with."

Stephanie sighed heavily. It was a lesson she had learnt most acutely since coming to the Capitol. People rarely fitted into 'friends' or 'enemies' perfectly. People were made up of shades of grey; Capitolites and District dwellers alike. It was what made them human.

"But…" Stephanie began feebly, before she looked to Electra brokenly. "Haymitch?"

Electra arched a cool brow. "I can't tell you what you feel Stephanie. Only you can say that."

"I do love Haymitch," Stephanie said firmly with no trace of doubt.

Electra smirked gently. "I know. I can see that."

"But I…like Seneca, too?" Stephanie added hesitantly.

"So it would seem," Electra affirmed.

"It's not fair on Haymitch," Stephanie said heatedly suddenly, "Or…Damn it! It's not even fair on Seneca," she finished hopelessly, nearly tempted to throw her hands up in the air.

"Life's not fair," Electra interjected.

Stephanie threw a quick frown at the other woman, "Are you always so bloody cynical, Ellen?"

"Look at the scars on my face, and tell me I haven't earned the right to be cynical," Electra countered. "What you feel for Haymitch and Seneca – " she began when Stephanie interrupted her.

"It's different," Stephanie argued. "What I feel for them is different."

"Of course it is," Electra agreed immediately, "You fell in love with Haymitch easily – you're fighting like hell not to fall in love with Seneca."

"I don't love Seneca."

"No – not yet maybe."

Stephanie threw a warning look at Electra, but the blue-haired woman ignored it.

"Deny it all you like Stephanie. But deep down you know, you are hurtling fast into falling in love with that blue-eyed, arrogant Gamemaker."

Stephanie knocked her drink back harshly. She grimaced, swallowing. Then she dropped her head into her hands.

"I'm not going to let myself fall in love with him," Stephanie said suddenly, looking up at Electra with feverishly determined eyes.

Electra scoffed, knocking back her own drink, before moving to refill their glasses. "Stephanie, you've said some pretty stupid things since I met you, but that is by far the stupidest."

"He's killed people Ellen, without a single ounce of remorse!" Stephanie exclaimed.

"I'm pretty certain you've said that already," Electra said wryly.

"Then how can you approve of what I feel for Seneca?"

Electra gave a sudden bark of laughter. "I don't approve of what you feel for Seneca. I'm not your mother to scold you about your choice in men. And I've never once said 'Oh Stephanie, I totally think you should go prancing off dreamy-eyed to that Gamemaker you're always talking about!' I'm just forcing you to face up to some facts you are wilfully letting yourself remain blind to."

"You confuse the living hell out of me Ellen, do you know that?"

"Ah no! Don't try to change the conversation to about me, just because you don't like what is being said about you!"

"Who or what side are you on, Ellen?"

Electra snorted derisively. "I thought we just discussed that normal people – real people don't fit nicely into categories. I told you before Stephanie. I am on my own side."

"You wanted me to get back with Haymitch for a while there, and now you are telling me I'm falling in love with Seneca," Stephanie pointed out.

"I did want you to get back with Haymitch. I care about Haymitch. You were good for him."

"Were good for him?" Stephanie echoed.

"Falling in love with his worst enemy does present a rather tricky conflict of interest," Electra said shrewdly.

"I hate myself for it," Stephanie confessed, "I hate the idea that I could possibly hurt Haymitch in such an awful way."

"It seems unfortunately, that someone always does end up getting hurt, when hearts and feelings and other utterly unhelpful stuff like that gets in the way," Electra remarked with an almost sympathetic smirk.

"So what do I do now? Now that I've landed myself in this utterly chaotic situation?" Stephanie mumbled miserably.

"Carry on like you've always done. This is the Hunger Games Stephanie…"

Stephanie almost laughed as Electra uttered her favourite saying that she had been using to berate Stephanie with since the two met.

"And what does that look like? I can't help thinking now how I'm going to act around Seneca and Haymitch and – "

"Argh!" Electra cried exasperated. "How about acting on instinct? You know: not thinking, just doing something because it's what your body tells you to. – It will be good practice for the Games, acting on pure instinct inside of overthinking things. Stephanie, you give me a headache sometimes with your overthinking. I swear, the little hamsters running the wheels in your brain must be exhausted. I know I am just watching you think."

Stephanie chuckled ruefully. "I thought you told me to ignore that innate impulse inside of me?"

"Despite the desperate odds, you somehow have managed to make it this far. So, I guess you must have some sense afterall – either that, or you're just plain lucky."

"Ha! Lucky? – Yea, in the worst possible way," Stephanie said emphatically.

"Well, you're still alive and considering some of the idiotic things you have done and tricky situations you have landed yourself in – that's nothing short of a miracle."

"I do have a knack for finding myself in the worst possible situations, don't I?" Stephanie queried dourly, looking morosely down at her hands. "I mean, finding myself falling in love with a man who's murdered innocent tributes? That's a pretty bad situation, isn't it? I must just be a magnet for trouble, like you said before, or something has to be wrong with me?! What kind of twisted person am I then?!"

"Bloody hell woman! Why do you insist on being so stubborn?"

Stephanie snapped her gaze up, already scowling. "Well, I'm sorry I don't find the fact that I'm falling in love with Seneca something to shout joyously from the rooftops!" she said sarcastically.

"You'd probably be assassinated before you could open your mouth, if you tried it," Electra muttered under her breath. Stephanie frowned.

"Well, you don't seem too concerned," Stephanie muttered sardonically.

"Why would I be? It's not me falling in love with him or threatening to make love declarations from atop buildings."

Stephanie gave a growl of frustration as she threw herself once more forcibly back against the sofa. Electra eyed the younger girl shrewdly.

"I'm not going to do what you want me to do Stephanie," Electra said quietly.

"I don't know what you are talking – "

"Yes you do," Electra interrupted. "You want me to be appalled and disgusted at you for having feelings for Seneca. You want me to tell you that having feelings for someone like Seneca is despicable and that you should be ashamed and stop right away. You want that because it's easier, and it keeps Seneca neatly in that 'enemy' list so life is simple again. Love Haymitch; Hate Seneca. No complications."

Stephanie tried to formulate words to fire back at Electra to refute what she was saying, but Stephanie found she couldn't. Electra was right. Hadn't Stephanie thought the same thing bitterly at the party when her feelings for Seneca Crane crashed upon her like a thunderbolt? She demanded to know why her hate for Seneca had left her so defenceless. Because when she stopped hating Seneca, she started having feelings for him, and when she started having feelings for him she suddenly found she's falling in love with him. And that in itself just created so much more problems when her life was already full of them.

She was a tribute for the Hunger Games, falling helplessly in love with her Gamemaker.

Of course that was just a minor part of the whole confounding tangle of problems Stephanie was trapped like a fly in a web in.

She had an ex-fiancé – said Gamemaker's nemesis – who she was meant to be making amends with. And yet within hours of resolving that things between her and Haymitch were healing, she had been in Seneca Crane's arms as he had asked her candidly 'why she couldn't let go of him?' She and Haymitch may not have been together, but it still made Stephanie feel utterly wretched. It felt like a betrayal, whether it technically counted or not.

And so Stephanie had wanted Electra to tell her to stop feeling anything for Seneca. Yes, because it would all be easier to go on as though she felt nothing for the Gamemaker. And I know it makes me a coward not wanting to face up to the situation I've created myself, but…I just never expected falling in love to be this damn complicated and 'heart-breaking!'

"I suppose I have wanted someone to tell me that I can't have feelings for Seneca. I was almost sure Haymitch would have when I told him," Stephanie remarked ruefully.

"Haymitch isn't that petulant Stephanie, to try and order you to switch off your feelings like a water tap. I'm not saying he's not angry or doesn't wish you felt nothing for Seneca, or that it's not tearing him up inside that you do, but he would never just demand you stop…feeling something. To be honest, something that petty sounds more like Seneca."

"No," Stephanie said quietly. "When I told Seneca I loved Haymitch, he was…he was angry, furious actually. I felt sure he was going to give orders to kill Haymitch there and then. But he didn't. And he didn't order me to just stop loving Haymitch either." Stephanie didn't quite manage the bitter chuckle that stuck in her throat, as she picked out the correlations between the two events. She had once told Seneca she loved Haymitch, and now she had just told Haymitch she had feelings for Seneca.

"Hmph," Electra smirked, "He really has changed then, hasn't he?" she voiced rhetorically.

"And me; the mystery woman that's changing him," Stephanie added ruefully.

"Stephanie, I'm perhaps the last woman who could tell you, you're a bad person for falling in love with Seneca. I lived in this Capitol for five years, I slept with monsters far worse than Seneca Crane. For goodness sake I had a child with one!"

"Yea, but you didn't fall in love with him!" Stephanie accused.

"And what? You think because I slept with Eve's father feeling nothing for him, that makes what I did somehow better than what you're doing, falling in love with Seneca?"

"I don't even know what I'm trying to say anymore Ellen. I swear my life never used to be this confusing," Stephanie finally threw her hands up in the air. "Ha – I was just thinking tonight how before my name was reaped and everything else, my little plans for the future were to marry Marcus Arvin – "

"Marcus Arvin! The red-headed boy who trips over his own two feet when he walks?!"

Stephanie chuckled, even as the tears that had been building in her eyes slowly spilled over. "Yea – that's him."

"Jeez Stephanie, I know you can be a right pain sometimes what with the tears – again! – the irrational violence and emotional wringer you constantly put yourself through, but you were selling yourself a bit short with Marcus Arvin there," Electra said earnestly.

Stephanie chuckled again before she bit her lip. "Then Haymitch became my future. I was going to be Stephanie Trindlesworth-Abernathy." Stephanie grinned, giving a watery laugh as she remembered the absolute joy and giddiness she had felt when Haymitch had said 'yes' to her proposal.

"Well, I suppose I'm biased but I'd have to say Haymitch is the best man I've ever known. I'm not saying he can do, or does no wrong, but…" Electra trailed off meaningfully and Stephanie smiled softly in understanding, feeling her heart swell fit to bursting for Haymitch Abernathy; the man who had always caught her before she could fall and had been holding her up since the beginning.

"Despite all your 'I'm selfish' crap, you really do care for Haymitch, don't you?" Stephanie asked lightly, a fond smile on her lips.

Electra smirked ruefully. "No one but Abernathy could have made me drag my backside to the Capitol after five years of avoiding it."

"Tiny Tim is kinda cute as well," Electra added, a crooked grin slanting across her lips. Stephanie laughed outright. "What? Come on! I'm not entirely heartless," Electra protested laughingly.

Stephanie's laughter gentled to odd sniggers and Electra reached out to nudge her. "And you're sort of alright," Electra said the words begrudgingly and Stephanie rolled her eyes. Electra grinned. "You've grown on me."

Stephanie snorted. "I'm pretty sure Haymitch said that about me at one stage too. You're making me sound like a disease!"

"Nah, I think maybe that's just the 'Stephanie Trindlesworth' way," Electra grinned impishly.

"The Stephanie Trindlesworth way?" Stephanie echoed suspiciously, arching a brow.

"Yea- the 'grow on' effect: How to catch men the Stephanie Trindlesworth way; Hate to Love. Step One: Make a truly horrible impression by initiating irrational, physical violence – "

"What are you on about?" Stephanie managed, hopelessly laughing now.

"Well, you dealt Haymitch a kick to the nether regions and you slapped Seneca. Step One: irrational violence, see? Then Step Two; encourage hatred. Haymitch initially found you impossibly stubborn and annoying and Seneca quite literally wanted to kill you. Then lo and behold Step Three; Haymitch and Seneca love you. It's actually pretty impressive. I mean men go from literally wanting to kill you to loving you."

"I guess I'm lucky it's not the other way around," Stephanie said with a grim smirk, "Or I definitely wouldn't have lasted this long."

Electra mirrored it, lowering her glass from her lips. "Most relationships I have seen in the Capitol, it is the other way around."