I was at work, but didn't have work on my mind. I had Brooklyn, Brooklyn and I were going great, even if we did have to keep it a secret. I felt wrong, yeah I did, but who could really put an age on love? The thought of her being young did put me off, but somehow I shrugged it off; like most of my unwanted emotions. I couldn't really think straight, why was I even at work? Ever since I had been with Brooklyn, I didn't, well couldn't think about anything but her. I picked up my papers, I didn't even know what they had on them, I was the one who had written them. It was stressing me out, the thought of her being my dirty little secret. I liked my privacy, yes I really did, but going behind Brooklyn's own mother; it was wrong. I needed to leave the room, panic sinking in, I needed to get out! My palms started to get sweaty, my head light, my body cold and tingly. The room just seemed a little hazy, I felt like I was dreaming. The feeling of sickness was overwhelming.
I needed to escape, my staff were looking at me funny. They could tell something was up, that made me panic even more.
"Are you ok Lorraine?" He looked at me as though I was a wounded animal. I'm anything but!
"I'm fine, excuse me for a moment" I left the room, the air cooler as I stepped out of the door. The toilets would be empty I thought, I needed somewhere to run to. The toilets are quite nice in here, the ladies painted a stereotypical pink. I locked myself in one of the cubicles, my head filled with guilt and worry. Me and Brooklyn had been together for a long time now, six months was long for me anyway. I had never had one successful relationship, just one night stands with guys and a few with girls. I wasn't the loving type, I'm not the loving type, but Brooklyn made me see differently, like all was clear. All this time and we were still hiding, hiding from what people would say. Sonia knew, she was the only one, I told her. I liked the fact someone knew, the fact Sonia knew, meant I wasn't alone and if I needed to talk, she was there. We had a bond, me and Sonia were close, but I didn't seem to have time for her and didn't even make time for her. The one thing I love about my sister is, no matter how blunt or nasty I can be, she's always there for me; a heart of gold. I had almost forgotten where I was, then realisation hit me, I was at work. The sickness feeling was getting worse, a lot worse. I could feel it, the metallic taste in my throat making an appearance. My head now over the basin, looking down into a toilet wasn't exactly where I wanted to be, but it was coming and then I couldn't stop. I was sick, my insides churning, gagging. I couldn't stop, I just kept being sick, my head banging. I hated being sick, it made me upset. Tears started to fall along with more sick, what was happening? I'm not ill, am I? Maybe the stress was becoming too much, the thought of going home with Brooklyn and knowing that when I stepped through the front door, I was only then allowed to hold her hand; to hold her. It got to me, obviously it got to me. It was making me sick, I know that when I'm stressed, I get physical symptoms. I hate the fact it brings me out with whatever it feels like. I had finally stopped being sick, my stomach now felt empty and my head felt sore. There was a knock on the cubicle door (so much for my theory of 'nobody comes in here')
"Hello? Are you ok in there" someone had heard me being sick, why else would they ask if I was ok?
"Yeah I'm fine thanks" my tone sounded a little bitter, I didn't mean it to. I got off the floor, wiped my mouth with some tissue and unlocked the door.
"Lorraine you look like shit" Shirley was standing outside staring at me, shocked as I always tried to look decent.
"Yeah I know, I look like shit and feel like it" I laughed, but I really did feel like crap.
"Lorraine go home, I'll explain why you're not there" Shirley was a sweet soul, unlike me.
"Thanks" I smiled and left, I nearly forgot my bag, I had laid it on the floor in the cubicle I was in, but thankfully Shirley noticed.
"Thank you, you're a life saver" I nodded and left the toilets.
My head felt like it was about to explode, I needed to get home and get my arse some paracetamol. The drive was long and made me feel even worse, the bumps making me want to throw up. I got home safely, I was worried I could have been sick in the car; that would not have been good! I got into my flat and even though it was Brooklyn who made me worry, it was Brooklyn who I wanted. She was at school for goodness sake, the word 'school' being the operative one. The sound of the word became abnormal as I repeated it in my head, why did I have to fall for her? Why couldn't I just have a happy relationship, they all seem to fuck up. Brooklyn even had her own key to my flat! I was really losing the plot. I got the paracetamol out of the bathroom cabinet, blimey I really did look rough. I took the box of pills to the kitchen to get myself a glass of water to take them with. I popped out two and swallowed the hard bullets. The thought did cross my mind, the thought that maybe two wasn't enough, that I had whiskey in my cupboard, the combination lethal. I'm going crazy, maybe I am crazy. I needed the whiskey, but I felt like utter shit. I needed more than a fucking drink, I needed all of it to disappear. What am I saying? I truly feel numb, I truly feel helpless. A bath was calling my name, I avoided the disturbing thoughts, the whiskey and the pills, I ran a nice hot bath. I had a feeling it would relax me, that it would make my ill self feel a tiny bit better. The warm liquid ran over my body, the bubbles caressing every inch of the flesh that covered my aching bones. My hair was up, my neck touching the back of the bath, my legs stretched out. It was nice, my breasts fully submerged, the water high; deep. The soap left the bottle and hit my hand, cold to the touch, I needed to shave my legs. The silky peach shower gel lathered all over my legs, I reached to get the razor sitting at the end where my legs touched the bath. It didn't take long to shave them, the razor now back in it's place. I was still laying, my legs slightly open, I was alone, very alone. My hands laid on my thighs, the stress being swept away by the touch of my own hands on my own legs. I was now moving my hand over my abdomen, up to my breasts, the touch of my fingers made my nipples stand. The stress seemed to be lifting, It felt good. My hand glided down between my legs, the left one. The other hand gripping the side of the bath tub, the worries disappearing. I was now biting my lip, the taste of my raspberry chapstick sour on my tongue. My eyes closed, thoughts drifting around my head, sexual thoughts. It felt good, it felt really good, but the sudden drifting thought of Brooklyn and what we had, made me stop. I stopped and lifted my body up, I was now sitting. I did feel good, but now I was back to square one. I had lost the urge, that annoyed me a little. I stared at the walls for ages, the cream was incredibly boring, why did I decorate my place with such boring colours? My eyes then caught sight of the razor, it's blades seemed to glimmer in the dim light. Before I could think about what I was doing, I was driving the sharp blades into my soft skin. My thighs were bleeding, but it didn't hurt, it relieved. I kept on digging it in, tears falling to the water tinted red. I had enough of the cutting, I stopped and stared at the walls again, the bath water was more colourful than my bathroom. It didn't seem like much when I was doing it, but after I sat down in the bright light of my bedroom, I saw them. My thigh was red raw, not the whole of it, but there was a lot of cuts. What had I done to myself, I'd become a nervous, manic wreck. They didn't hurt when I was doing it, but now they stung like a bitch. I needed something to clover them, no one could know. I had nothing to cover them, as they were pretty deep and still bleeding. I tied a tea towel around my leg, put some baggy bottoms on and left the house. The nearest chemist was five minutes in the car and I needed bandages. Hospitals would lock me up and others would call me mental. I wasn't crazy, just stressed. This isn't crazy, this is just a phase. The chemist was empty when I got there, no I lied, there was one other customer in there. I grabbed some bandages, some medical tape and paid. I left and was home before I knew it. It really did hurt like a bitch, I was cleaning the wounds, which made my eyes water. I didn't know whether I should put my whiskey to some sort of good use, but that made me cringe, warm water would be fine. I then took the bandages and started wrapping them around my thigh. I used all of the roll as I wanted to make sure the blood didn't seep. I forgot to buy some of those things they use in hospitals, the things with sticky edges, blimey you could really tell I was educated. I just hoped the bandage would work, I then secured the bandage with the medical tape I bought. All done, I was no doctor, but I done a pretty good job. I put some pj bottoms on and a white tank top, I still felt like shit. The car made me feel sick once again, toast is the best thing to eat, I soon had the toaster on. Dry toast wasn't that nice, but I really couldn't bare being sick again. I needed to occupy myself, I turned the tv on and relaxed on the sofa. I could feel my eyes closing, then I fell asleep.

"So that's what those scars were on your leg. I saw them, when we... I just didn't want to say anything" Nikki couldn't believe Lorraine felt that low, that hurting herself was the only escape. Lorraine looked down, this was a big step for her, letting Nikki know about her past and about her ghosts was more than a big step, it was a milestone.
"Look Lorraine you really don't have to tell me more, I understand if you don't want to" Nikki squeezed Lorraine's arm tightly and Lorraine fell into her arms. The women were now cradling each other, Lorraine's tears wetting Nikki's shirt.
"It's ok, I told you that I'm here" Nikki cupping the back of Lorraine head with her hand, her chin on the top of Lorraine's head. Nikki had never seen Lorraine like this, but now understood why she had never seen Lorraine like this. Lorraine's nails were digging into Nikki's back, as though she never wanted to be let go. Lorraine now lifted her head to look Nikki in the eyes, she looked deep into Nikki's eyes, her hand lifting to Nikki's face. Lorraine kissed Nikki, she then went to kiss her again, but Nikki pushed Lorraine away.
"Not like this" Nikki cupped Lorraine's face and kissed her on the forehead. Lorraine laid her head on Nikki's chest, she now wanted to tell Nikki everything.

I woke to a kiss on the cheek, a kiss also planted on my nose. I opened my eyes to see Brooklyn leant over me.
"What's the time?" Wow I sounded desperate and shocked to see her.
"It's 5, Lorraine are you ok, you don't look well" Brooklyn looked at me with concern in her eyes, I stroked her face and told her I was fine, she looked as thought she didn't believe me, but yet never questioned me.
"I brought food" she beamed, now wasn't really the time for take away food. I felt Ill, I was worried she would notice my leg even if it was covered up and I liked to eat healthily.
"Come on then" she passed me a plate with an Indian curry on it, complete with naan bread and samosas. The thought of even one mouthful made me feel sick.
"Babe I don't know if I can eat it, I was sick earlier"
"What?! When?! Why didn't you call me, I could have skipped a few lessons" her voice concerned and her eyes wide. I wanted to spill all to her, but I couldn't.
"I'm fine Bick, honestly" I grabbed her arm and lied, a part of me felt horrible for lying, but the real reason I was feeling this way, was because of her. As much as I loved her, as much as I wanted her, the thought of us made me feel wrong. Was this wrong? I started to question my own feelings for her. I loved her, I held back the tears as her eyes moved from me to her plate of food.
"Well do you want me to save yours?" Brooklyn was playing with her food, I had made her feel bad, why do I have a habit of doing that.
"Here I'll put it in the microwave and I promise I will eat it later" here I go again, lying, promising to eat the food she had bought, but I didn't want to eat anything. Brooklyn nodded her head and started to eat what was on her plate. Time soon passed and Brooklyn stood over the sink washing up her dirty plate, she looked down, probably because of me. I felt bad in every single way possible, maybe I should tell her to go.
"Brooke I'm sorry I didn't eat, I just really feel ill" I was now being honest, I really did feel ill.
"It's ok, you just seem odd. With me" her voice breaking, as if she was too scared to say the sentence.
It was true, I had things on my mind, I had cuts on my leg.
"No, it's nothing. I just feel down, probably because I feel ill" I smiled to hide the cracks that were forming. I didn't want our relationship to end, but if it was making me this ill... I asked If she could make me a cup of tea, she grinned and made me one. She really didn't seem sixteen, she was really mature for her age, but it didn't make it right. She passed me the cup of tea and sat beside me.
"Come here" she pulled me with her arm, put my tea on the coffee table and held me. It was nice, it felt amazing. We sat watching stupid soaps, I've never liked them, they don't hold my interest. Brooklyn like them, she also cried a lot at them. I just laughed at how emotional she could get, over something that wasn't even real. I wasn't one to cry in front of people, I was one to bottle things up, pretend and then cry alone not wanting help. I liked the fact I felt comfortable with her, even though it was silent. One minute I loved being with her, the next I couldn't even look at her. I thought that it was about time to at least talk to her, even if I really didn't want to.
"Hey, can we talk" her face looked confused, her now sitting up to listen to me.
"What about, Is something wrong?" Brooklyn now had fear written all over her face
"It's just I've been worrying and all this worrying is making me ill. I don't know what to do, about... Us" the words that left my mouth didn't seem real, they left a horrid taste in my mouth.
"What about us? Oh god you want to break up don't you!" Brooklyn now on the edge of the sofa, her body tense.
"I don't know what I want, I just want a normal relationship, where I can go out with my girlfriend knowing it's ok to hold her hand and meet her mother" my voice now sounding distant and cold. She had tears in her eyes, she wasn't afraid to show her emotion, that's partly why I loved her. She couldn't look at me, my words cutting her, but without the blades.
"Brooklyn?" I didn't know what else to say, she just stared into nothing.
"So you're scared, that's basically what you're saying. You know I'd tell my mother if I could, you know how she is" I felt so bad, it was true, I knew how her mum could be, she told me how she reacted to Brooklyn being gay and what she done when her ex best friend told her mum everything.
"It's also the age gap, It just sometimes feels wrong" I didn't want to say it, but it was the truth.
"So does this feel wrong then" she now looked at me and next thing you know, our lips were locked. Goosebumps all over my body, shivering. I really did love the way she kissed me, soft and when we got more into it; passionate. She leant into me her hand on my thigh, her hand was on my thigh. A burning sensation went through my whole thigh.
"Fuck!" I couldn't hold it in any longer, the pain was unbearable, as now her whole body weight was upon my thigh.
"What's wrong?" Brooklyn looked at me puzzled, me holding my leg, it killed.
"What happened, why are you holding your leg?" That dreaded question I wanted to avoid, the question that sent shivers through my spine.
"Nothing has happened and I'm fine" lying wasn't working, she could see right through it.
"Lorraine what happened? Please, just tell me" I'd never heard so much concern in her voice, her eyes wide and watery.
"Brooklyn leave it!" I snapped at her, she was taken aback at how moody I sounded.
"If you're not gonna tell me, I'll find out" she started looking all over my flat, looking for something to explain my odd behaviour. She looked high and low, in the cupboards. I sat and watched her hysterically ruffle through my things.
"What are you even trying to find, I'm fine" I smirked to try and hide the lies.
She then made her way from the kitchen into my bedroom, I didn't follow her, I just sat and waited for her to be disappointed with finding nothing.
"What's this?!" Brooklyn came storming back through to where I was sitting, she was holding up the bandage packet and tape I had used.
"I had an accident earlier, it's no big deal" yet again trying to shrug this whole situation to one side.
"What kind of accident? Show me" now I was worried, she wanted to see the wound, well I had wounds.
"I've bandaged it, I can't just bloody undo it" I'm not very convincing, she still wanted me to show her.
"This is ridiculous, what is so bad about showing me"
"Leave it Brooklyn!" Now I was angry, I hated people telling me what to do and what I should do. I think I made her angry too, she took her stuff and left, once again I was alone.

"Oh Lorraine" Nikki couldn't believe what she had heard, she felt grateful in a way too, Lorraine never opens up to anyone.
"Yeah well at least now you know about some of my past; a part of it" Lorraine wiped the tears from her face and looked away embarrassed of showing her true feelings to Nikki.
"Look I'll run you a bath and make sure there's bubbles" Nikki smiled at Lorraine and went upstairs to run her a bath. Lorraine couldn't believe how open she was to Nikki, she wasn't sure if she regretted it or whether it felt like a weight had been lifted. Lorraine hadn't even brought anything with her to Nikki's, not even any extra underwear.
"Here you can wear this" Nikki came back downstairs and passed Lorraine a white long sleeved top and some jogging bottoms.
"I don't know whether they'll fit, let's face it you're petite" Nikki laughed at something that really wasn't amusing.
"Are you complimenting my 'petite' figure, or taking the mick" Lorraine gave Nikki a cheeky side smile, because she knew exactly what Nikki meant.
"Your body is... Great as it is" Nikki looked down at the floor, making sure she avoided eye contact with Lorraine. Lorraine now knew Nikki cared, that Nikki could make her happy, she did make her happy. The two women flirted till Lorraine got into the bath, with bubbles like Nikki promised.
The thought of Lorraine digging the razor into her skin made Nikki shudder, she really did like Lorraine, maybe even loved her.
"Hey, thank you for letting me stay" Lorraine came through with what Nikki had leant her, Nikki liked the dressed down Lorraine, she seemed more real and relaxed.
"No problem, anytime" Lorraine smiled as Nikki warmed her heart with that very sentence. The two woman sat on Nikki's sofa, both in silence, not knowing what to say to the other. Then both women started to speak at the same time, interrupting one another.
"Haha no you go" Nikki told Lorraine
"How do you feel about me Nikki" Lorraine now serious, her face frowned.
Nikki grabbed Lorraine's hand
"You know how I feel Lorraine, it's just a shame you gave up at the first hurdle" Nikki didn't like what she was saying, but it was the truth.
"Well what if I told you I was stupid, I didn't mean to hurt you. I miss you Nikki, I want.. Us back" Lorraine now taking Nikki's hand and rubbing the back of it with her thumb. Nikki sat there not really knowing what to think, not knowing what to do. Nikki also didn't want to feel like she was taking advantage of the situation, as Lorraine had told her some pretty deep stuff.
"Lor.." Nikki started, but didn't finish. Lorraine had planted a kiss on her cheek, her lips soft and without lip gloss for the first time. They both looked at each other, anticipation in both of their eyes. Neither of them knew what was going to happen, but they soon locked lips. The passion swimming around the two, their hands fumbling all over one another. The moment then became heated.