The house was a little grubby, I didn't want to sit down. The dog looked clean compared to the rest of the place. I gave Nikki a look, that said; I need a bath after I get out of here. I mean, I didn't want to judge and I didn't say anything, but I just couldn't believe how someone could live like this.
"I can't look after him anymore, I'm moving" I wanted to reply with, good, this place is a tip. I held my tongue and Nikki could tell I wanted to speak, but she dug her nails into my arm. We didn't sit, we just stood and Nikki paid for Buddy. He was only 80 pound, I told her we'd go halves, but she didn't want to. We left and that's when I said something.
"Ergh, that place. We need to bath him, lets pop to a shop to get him stuff" I couldn't rest till the dog was clean and Rose would have had a heart attack if she saw that place.
"Calm down, we will get some stuff and I will take him to the vets soon" her trying to reassure me, it wasn't working. I like clean things and I now needed a bath, shower, fucking anything. Luckily the shops weren't closed yet, so we had time to get a nice collar and lead, along with dog shampoo, also some food and towels. He was a dear little thing, he was ever so friendly. I was so glad when we got back, I wanted to clean the poor sod.
"Nikki he smells like dog" Rose turned her nose up at him.
"Mum, I'm now going to bath him" Nikki left to go and bath him and I was left downstairs again, at least her mum was around.
"He better smell nice when he comes down" Rose laughing
"You think he's bad, you should have seen the place. I want a bath myself now" I sat at the little kitchen table, Rose made me a cup of tea.
"Rose do you mind if I just wash my hands quickly in the sink" I felt so dirty.
"Sure love, I don't blame you" she placed my cup near me and sat opposite. I washed my hands and sat back down, the warm tea lifting my mood.
Nikki plodded into the kitchen, Buddy wasn't with her.
"Buddy's with dad and yes mum he's all clean" we bought him Johnsons shampoo as its gentle and it smelt lovely.
"Hey you don't think you could do me a favour mum, could you?" I knew what Nikki was about to ask.
"Depends what that favour is" Rose got up and put her cup in the sink and leant with her back up against it; her arms crossed.
"Could you have Buddy? Me and Lorraine are going out for a drink" Rose's face dropped.
"How did I know this one was coming"
"Please mum" I sat there like a numpty, whilst she pleaded.
"Yes Nikki" Rose trying to stay straight faced, but ended up smiling and giving Nikki a hug.
"Lorraine are you going to come and get ready?" Nikki asked and before you knew it, we were upstairs. I got in the shower first and thought about my outfit. I wanted to wear some of my new clothes. Whilst in the shower I spotted my scars, the reminder of the pain. I didn't want to remember the past at the moment, I wanted to focus on now. I finished, dried myself off and walked back to where Nikki was stark naked.
"Mmm I can't wait to get my hands on you later" she came over and kissed me, my naked body against her clothed curves.
I decided on my blue vintage patterned shirt, with my black jeans that came up at the ankles, I also chose black heels and a leather jacket. I rolled the shirt sleeves up, just so they were above the elbow and sat in front of the dressing table in the bedroom. I thought I should smoke my eyes, with a charcoal black and leave my lips light, maybe just use some tinted lip balm. I started on my face, I always wear my hair down, so I felt like a change. I wanted to be me, the real me. I wet my hair with the spray bottle I had brought with me, then put all my hair up in a high bun. It looked sleek and nothing less than perfect. It brought my jaw line out, I hope Nikki liked it. I put some studs in my ears, I had two either side, the studs were just plain silver. I've always wanted to get my upper ear done, no idea what they call it, a helix or something. Maybe I should, I've been so stuck up and business like, even in my private life; things needed to change. I would keep professional at work and when I was away, I'd be me. I sounded like I wanted to lead a double life. It wasn't that, it was that no one would get me at work. When I wasn't there I had people who knew the real me; the real Lorraine. I popped my leather jacket on, but it didn't feel quite right. I decided on a dark blue blazer I had bought, that completed the look and I was only going to wear it outside. It was just something I could use as a jacket to keep me warm, as I didn't want to be lumbered with a heavy coat. I would wait till we left to wear the blazer. Nikki had then finished in the shower and had to look twice at me.
"Shit Lorraine" I couldn't tell if it was a good or bad reaction.
"What?" Scared to ask.
"You look amazing! You look like.. You look like you" her words were just the ones I wanted to hear.
"You look so good" Nikki still looking at me and even twirled me around. She was in a towel and her hair was soaked.
"Better get ready" she said.
I sat on the bed and watched her get ready, she placed black skinny jeans on her soft legs and chose a white top and a really hot leather jacket to put over it. She had white converses on and placed a white watch on her left wrist. I'd noticed, she always wore a watch. The leather jacket was fitted, it looked amazing and hugged at her figure, she also wore a silver necklace. The necklace chain was thin and it had a heart pendant.
"You want me to do your makeup?" I offered. She sat on the bed opposite me, ready for me to apply. I gave her a sexy smoky brown look on he eyes, defined her eyebrows and put a tinted lip balm on her lips. She didn't need a lot of foundation, she had perfect skin. I also done her hair, it was calming running my fingers through her bobbed brunette locks. I curled bits then brushed them out, giving her a kind of rock chick look, I back combed bits and hair sprayed it to keep it in place. The only thing to do now, was let her look in the mirror.
Nikki made her way over to the mirror.
"Wow, you should take this up as a hobby. You're really good" she liked it, no she said she loved it. I liked makeup, it covers things, like emotions from the night before, or concealed how a person really felt. Maybe I should consider makeup as a hobby, like a thing to do for fun.
We were ready, we stomped downstairs. Rose came rushing in to look at us.
"Wow, you two look stunning" just the compliment I wanted, after faffing around for a while. We got into Nikki's car and soon left. We were on the way to a bar called Dix, Nikki had been there before. It wasn't a gay bar, just a bar, but we were going to go to a gay bar after we'd been there.
"Well, I know I'm not drinking tonight" Nikki pipped up, she was driving after all. Although I didn't want to drink anyway, I didn't like getting drunk; it usually brought out my dark side. I think we just both wanted to get out of the house, it was also Sunday, so it probably wasn't going to be packed.
I couldn't have been more wrong, the place was pretty full, men and women everywhere.
"You go and sit and I'll get the drinks in" Nikki walked over to the bar and I sat at the last table available. Whilst Nikki was waiting, a guy came over and I wanted to run away.
"Alright love" ugh why? I have a girlfriend and he was about to chat me up. Time for blunt Lorraine.
"I have a partner and she's over there" I pointed to Nikki, she looked like she was steaming with anger. Nikki could see the guy fighting for my attention.
"A lezza? You're too pretty to be a dyke" what a bastard, I wanted to smack him one.
"Look, I'd appreciate it if you left me alone" he was kind of intimidating, I felt a little scared.
"Hey, beat it" Nikki saved the day, she returned over with our drinks and he pissed off to go and bother another girl.
"Ugh what an arse" I was in there less than five minutes and already a guy was all over me.
"Lorraine you're hot! I'm just glad you're mine" she smiled, not sure about the hot part, but I was hers. The place gave me an uneasy feeling, as the years passed I had become more anxious around people outside of work. I had always had a bit of anxiety, but it was getting a little worse. Of course I didn't say anything though, I never poured my heart out. After that guy had come over, I was on alert, with every glance of the pub, I made sure I could see all of my surroundings and keep guard.
"Nikki, can we go soon?" I needed to get out, somewhere we would both be more socially accepted.
"Beautiful, I won't let anyone hurt you, but yes we can go" we hurried our drinks and left after only being there twenty minutes. We were both on cokes, neither of us drinking, some would call us boring. I believed you didn't need drink to have fun and all we really wanted, was to get out of the house for a while. Nikki knew the strain I was under, due to her father, so that's why we were both out.
We were now at the second bar, this one being a gay bar. I felt more comfortable in here, the atmosphere was different.
"Look I'm getting you a JD, I'm driving, but that doesn't mean you can't have one" she was a sweetheart, Nikki never thought about herself, just how others felt.
We sat on a leather sofa in the corner, there being a table in front of it. Our drinks were placed on the table and a song I liked came on. Heart, Barracuda. I listened to a lot of rock in the day, I still did.
"You know the words?" Nikki shouting over the loud music.
"I love this song!" I replied, with a smile.
"Didn't think rock music was your taste" she knew nothing.
"Rock is the only music I really listen to" she looked surprised at my words, as if she really didn't know me. She picked up her drink to make a toast, I raised my glass.
"To meeting the parents, even if my dad is an overprotecting, blunt nut" she was too right, I realised when she said blunt, maybe it was a clash of personality; too alike. We clinked glasses and took sips of our drinks, the whiskey warmed me up. I left my jacket in the car and had just my shirt to cover my torso, I felt a little chilly. I wanted to dance, so I dragged Nikki up.
"Come on!" Her being sceptical, but I wanted to have fun and loosen up. We danced away, the two of us getting close and personal with each other. Nikki was up against me, her hands on my back, yet going down to my bum. I needed another drink, not alcohol, just coke. I went to the bar, getting us both drinks and then a woman stood beside me. The woman was brunette, gelled back hair, boyish and was about to talk to me.
"You're not here by mistake are you?" She was blatantly asking if I knew this was a gay bar.
"No, I'm pretty gay" I sounded like a bloody idiot, well at least she laughed and didn't find me weird.
I was talking to this girl whilst waiting for the bar tender to get my drinks, then I looked over to Nikki. There was a girl sitting right next to her, they were laughing and chatting away. My fists clenched and I asked the bar tender to hurry. I grabbed the drinks and as I was walking towards her, the mysterious girl touched Nikki's leg. Nikki moved the girl's hand away, but she went in for more. That's it, I thought. I slammed down our drinks and I was ready to smack a bitch.
"Get your slutty hands off of my girlfriend" Nikki sat there shocked and was trying to hide a smile, by biting her bottom lip.
"She's yours!?" the girl asking Nikki as if I wasn't good enough. Viewing me like I was trash.
"Yeah I am, so move" me pointing towards wherever, trying to get her to leave. Everyone near stood watching, Nikki didn't do anything, just sat there.
"So you're not gonna say shit Nikki? What? You liked it?" I said it, I was fuming and I walked off.
"Lorraine!" Calling after me wasn't going to make me come back.
I felt angry, jealous and everything, far from being fine.
"Lorraine stop, please!" There she was again calling my name.
"What Nikki? What do you want me to say. I'm fine with women or men touching you!?" That girl fancied her, she looked like she enjoyed flirting with her. Maybe it was just me, but fuck I was seeing nothing, but red.
"I tried stopping her Lorraine! I even said you were my girlfriend, she was having none of it. It's you I love, not some stupid girl who wants to ignore the word no!" I suppose I was overreacting, but I didn't like it.
"It just looked like you were having a laugh with her and I got jealous, ok?! I know you pushed her hand away and I know you didn't want it, but you're mine and, and.." I was losing my voice, all this shouting on the street.
"Ugh Lorraine, come here" I stayed where I was.
"Lorraine, come here" her smile pulling me towards her, me now in her arms.
"Lets go back in, have a good night and fuck everyone else. Yeah?" It wasn't everyone else I wanted to fuck then and there.
The warmth of the slight heat hit my skin after being out in the cold, it was nice to come back in again. I actually asked for a cigarette off of this guy, I needed one.
"Lorraine Donnegan. There is a side to you, that I never knew you had" it was true.
"Yes well, the down side being, I have to go outside again. Piss take" there was a little garden at the back where smokers could go, but moaning wasn't going to make any difference to the temperature. I was 100 percent my true self with Nikki and I loved it. She followed me outside again, probably as I went mental when she got hit on. I didn't want her to be left alone, in case it happened again. I sounded like a controlling idiot. I felt bad for thinking Nikki wanted it, she didn't and I knew that deep down. The cigarette lit, I had to ask a girl for a light. I breathed in the gorgeous smoke, my brain instantly calmed.
"How long have you been smoking for?" Nikki asked curiously.
"I did when I was 16, but I quit. I have the odd one when I'm stressed, well to be honest, this is my first in years" I was hoping I wasn't going to get addicted again, it took me ages to quit.
"You don't seem the type, if I'm honest" How can anyone look the 'type?
"Well now you know, I could tell you a lot about my past and you'd be completely shocked" it was true, there were things, me and Mark only knew and Sonia of course.
"Well, maybe you should spill all" Nikki grabbed me at the sides, my fag nearly burning her. She kissed me, then pulled away after just the one.
"Need to get used to that" the taste being unusual to her.
"Not kissed anyone who smokes before?" She then smiled at me, pulling me closer, her perfume sweet and floral. I just laid my head on her chest, she was taller than me, I was only diddy. Taking in her sweet smell, was actually giving me more of a hit than the cigarette. I didn't finish all of the fag, I had to stop after half.
"Nikki, I actually have no idea what I would do without you" I was becoming a soppy mare, but I really couldn't give two shits.
"Miss D, you have changed recently. In a good way" Nikki looking down at me, making sure we made eye contact.
"You wanna go?" I asked, I wanted to get on top of Nikki, that's all I was thinking about. I didn't really like the idea of doing it in public, I mean a car is enclosed, but it was still outside where people could see. I didn't want my bits on display.
Nikki was nodding to say yes, the bar was getting a little boring now. We did chat to a few people outside, mainly gay men, who were really nice. One was called Len, he was talking to us about vegetables. I think Len had a few too many, as I had no idea what he was talking about and neither did he. It was an ok night, it didn't go as planned, but you can't plan anything, you just have to let it be. We got in the car, it felt like we had been doing that all day.
"Nikki can't we just go to a BnB? I don't really want to have sex in a car" I said it how it was, I'm not going to lie and it was a little ridiculous anyway.
"Ok, we will hotel it. We can just check in and leave early in the morning" she didn't seem impressed, maybe it was one of her fantasies, but it wasn't mine.
"I just google mapped a five star hotel near here" iPhones are the shit, I love mine and use it everyday all day. "Ok" wow I had hit a nerve, maybe she was pissed about leaving Buddy and scared about the questions we'd get in the morning.
"We don't have to, we can go back" I said, just to put that option out there.
"Lorraine, I want to, but how will we get a room at this time" she was angry about faffing around and I just wanted somewhere with a warm bed.
"I will call them then" so I did just that and surprisingly they weren't booking this late. I rolled my eyes, back to her parents we go.
"Lets just go back" I suggested and that's what we did. It was only 1:30 am and I was knackered. There was an awkward silence all the way back, just the quiet sound of the radio in the background. Surely Nikki wasn't that bloody desperate for a shag, she was getting on my nerves at this point. Her car now sitting in the driveway again and everyone seemed to be asleep; there weren't any lights on. Luckily Nikki had her dad's key and we were finally in the warm house. I made my way upstairs to get into my night wear, but Nikki stayed downstairs and was sitting in the kitchen. I asked if she was coming up and she said nothing, what the fuck I thought. She can't blame me for not wanting to have a fuck in a car, in the middle of nowhere, with god knows who watching, it was dodgy and not me.
Maybe she was sexually frustrated, I sniggered and was soon in bed. After thinking about Nikki way too much, I got under the covers and next thing you know I was off.

Next morning was a dreary one, it was even raining hard, just to make things worse; thank you Mother Nature. I never liked going downstairs without getting dressed, I felt embarrassed. I placed skinny jeans on, a blouse and blazer, then made my way down, not forgetting the heels of course. I wasn't planning on staying in, I was going to go out for a walk and maybe take Buddy.
"Morning" I smiled, not knowing what Nikki was going to say to me. Buddy came running up wagging his tail, he was adorable and after Nikki gave him a bath, he looked a lot better.
"Can I take Buddy out?" It was Nikki who I had to ask.
"Sure" A short reply, but the one I was looking for. Her dad then made his way into the living room, shuffling past me. He sat beside Nikki not saying a word, then I got Buddy ready, got an umbrella and left. I needed air and a kind of company, that would just listen. I got my phone out, google mapped the area and looked for local parks. There was one near, not too far. I didn't want to walk far, especially in heels.
It was big, the park full of greenery, that's all I saw. Buddy had already weed twice and I was getting cold, yet again I forgot a coat. I had an umbrella, but my feet were getting wet. I didn't want to go back though, everyone except Rose seemed angry at me. I hadn't done anything, except say no to a bonk in the car. I walked around, leaving the park and walked up, then down the streets. The rain had finally stopped, the sun making it's way out. It was one of those days, where it seemed later than it actually was. I enjoyed walking with Buddy, the air was crisp and brought back memories.

I had told Brooklyn to ring me whenever and that's what she did, she called me. I was pissed, it was late at night and she had woken me.
"What do you want Brooklyn?" I was annoyed.
"I needed to ring you. I think mum is sending me away, I found some leaflets. A boarding school miles away from here" what the fuck, I was angry at her, but her moving away would kill me.
"You don't know Brooklyn, they might be for someone else. They could have even come through the door" who was I kidding, her mum was going to send her away.
"Lorraine! Listen, I told her I still loved you and she went mental at me. She's sending me away!" This was it, the room went fuzzy and span a little. I didn't want to lose her, even if she was a pain in the arse. I loved her.
"Well what are you going to do?" I wanted to know, was she going to run again?
"Nothing Lorraine, I'm fed up of fighting. I can't run, they will find me" her words, my breath, I was speechless. There was nothing I could say or do, she was going to be gone; forever.
"Well can we see each other before you go?" I wanted to leave on good terms and see each other again.
"Of course, I don't know when she's sending me. I have a feeling it will be soon though. How about tomorrow?" I agreed to her words and that was that. I was still staying at Sonia's, she had work and the flat was empty. I hated being on my own, it was shit, it gave me time to think; which was never a good thing. I spent the rest of the day crying my eyes out, just to finally stop in time for Sonia's arrival. I had even cooked a meal for us, she had a few bits and bobs. I made spaghetti with a tomato sauce, all from scratch and she was quite impressed.
"Extra cheese?" I asked, there was some left and might as well not waste it. I smiled and put on a brave face, feelings hidden.

I couldn't sleep, the night was so long. I tossed and turned, feeling nervous about seeing Brooklyn. I had a feeling it was the last time I would ever see her. I had 90 percent sadness and 10 percent relief, at least we wouldn't be hiding anymore and I wasn't sure I was in the best way for a relationship. I love her, of course I do, but there was always a problem and it wasn't a smooth ride at all.
It was pitch black in the room and I felt way too claustrophobic. I went to turn the light on, just standing in the middle of the room and that's when I started pacing. Slowly and calmly, it helped a little. Worry, worry, worry that's all I ever did and here I was again.

I didn't even sleep, seven in the morning and I was dressed; full face of makeup. I left Sonia's, she was making toast and I needed to get air. I didn't even know what time we were supposed to meet, so I went to my call log and called the number at the top; Brooklyn's new number. I wondered in that second, why I hadn't even saved it, weird.
I wasn't sure whether she was going to be up, but I called anyway.
"Hey" a faint voice said
"Sorry, did I wake you" I probably did wake her.
"No it's fine, why are you up so early?" Of course I wasn't going to tell her the real reason.
"Early bird catches the worm and I wanted to get breakfast out" I could be an actress, I'd be great at it.
"Well, now I'm up, do you want me to join you?" I was hoping for her to ask, I wanted to get it over and done with.
"Yeah sure, I will be waiting at Abbey" Abbey was a local café, but a posh one; no greasy spoon.
"Ok, give me half an hour" it was convenient for her, she lived near.
I got to the Abbey and sat down, I always liked sitting near the window, I could people watch. I saw a woman with great shoes, my taste. I ordered a coffee, just to get me by whilst I waited. There was the woman I admired with the great shoes, dressed professionally on another table, she was gorgeous. I always tried not thinking of other girls like that, it felt wrong whilst being with Brooklyn. I liked the way she looked though, long brown hair and blue eyes. She was slender and kept ducking behind her laptop. She was trying to have a closer look, at whatever she was doing. I stared at her, her oblivious to that very fact. I really loved her shoes, they weren't designer, but who gives a shit. I liked my labels, I also liked the high street; sometimes.

Brooklyn arrived and my eyes drifted from the anonymous woman to Brooklyn. My eyes catching hers.
"Sit down then" I sounded like a bitch, sometimes my tone was different out loud, than in my head.
"Woah, did you get out of the wrong side of bed?" No I hadn't, I was just nervous.
"Coffee?" I asked, but Brooklyn refused. She sat down opposite me and that's when it hit me, the fact I wasn't going to see her again. Brooklyn grabbed both my hands and held them in hers, that's when I started to get tears in my eyes. I tried holding them back, but I couldn't help it and started crying. I let go of her hands and cradled my head in them, I didn't want anyone to see me crying. I felt like I was drowning, it felt like the very second you take your last breath. I had been relieved earlier, but seeing her face again brought back our good memories.
"Lorraine don't. Look I think we need to move on. I'm leaving and you need to get yourself together" her words were bitter, a shot straight through the heart. Then it made me wonder.
"Are you seeing someone else?"
I asked the very question I needed the answer to.
"What? No I'm not. I'm saying we need to move on, ok!?" Harsh. I wanted to smack her. My upset, turned into anger, I was seething with it.
"Maybe it wasn't a good idea to meet up" I whispered, barely understandable. I was choking through the tears, like I said; it felt like drowning. I got up, left her and my warm coffee sitting there. She followed, yet I didn't listen to the calling of my name.
"Stop for a moment, why would you want to leave on bad terms?" Brooklyn didn't know how hard it was for me, it was too much to face.
"Go Brooklyn, I need you to go. I can't" I left and that was the end. The end of us, the end of my sanity. I was still off work, the thought of having to do nothing, but thinking made me cringe. I looked back once, her face sunken. I didn't have time for this, that's what I told myself. I wanted to scream, scream from the top of a tall building; love hurts. I had gotten in too deep with this relationship and I feared, that I couldn't handle being alone; truly alone.

I text Sonia and told her I was going home. I didn't want her around me with her cheeky smile, nothing would cheer me up. I hadn't even gotten a phone call off of Brooklyn, I waited patiently for one, but nothing. My car was at Sonia's. I walked there, it had been parked there ever since we came back from Yarmouth. I needed to get my car and leave. I arrived at Sonia's, I got in my car and left. Back to mine and reality. I was tired and drained, I needed sleep.

I got back and slept, all through the night. I didn't even need a tipple. I thought that was strange, I usually needed strong whiskey to help me sleep. I sat on my sofa. The sun was shining and the birds were chirping, it was a lovely day. I called up work, I wanted to go back. I was fed up of just sitting and sitting, when I could be making more money. Monday morning next week, I'd be back in and that was that.

Brooklyn didn't contact me again, I never heard off of her. I still had the hope of hearing her voice again, and seeing her face once more. I concentrated on getting myself better, mentally. It was going to be a hard road to go down, but I needed I face my fears and that's what I was going to do.