It was now Tuesday and I wasn't going to lie, I was missing home. Me and Nikki accidentally spent the whole night at our palace, both falling asleep. I guess we were just knackered after the night we had, it was pretty hot. We got back to Nikki's parents before they woke, well John was out, he was a part time builder and yesterday he had the day off. I was glad about that, I was glad he had pissed off and wasn't in my way. Of course I didn't say it like that to Nikki, I wasn't going to hurt her feelings. I was still tired, we stayed up till late and got up pretty early. We sat on the bed in the room we were staying in, talking and laughing. We both didn't want to wake Rose up, so we kept quiet.
"Last night was amazing" Nikki grinning at me after her words had left her lips.
"Yes, thank you. You made that place amazing, it was, you're amazing" we held hands, I felt the warmth of her skin, it was soothing to me. The front door went, it was loud. My breath began to get rapid, what was happening? Surely I can't be panicking, why? Maybe the thought of her dad coming in and seeing me, her parents hadn't seen me after what I said last night. I took my hand from Nikki's and placed it on my chest, gripping my top. I had changed into a David Bowie top and some skinny jeans. I was getting hot, really warm, like I had a tight collar around my neck. A dry throat followed and I was coughing. I sat at the edge of the bed staring at the floor.
"Lorraine what's wrong?" Nikki sat next to me and put her hand on my back. Nikki was now kneeling in front of me, trying to calm me.
"Look at me. Breathe into your diaphragm" she held my waist and was breathing in and out with me. I was soon calming, the more deep breaths I took, the more I felt at ease.
I looked directly at Nikki, my focus on her; never leaving.
"I'm fine" I was calm.
"No you're not. These are happening more frequently. I've noticed Lorraine, you need to see someone about it" Me? See someone about my problems? Yeah right!
"Look, Nikki, I'm fine" I was ok now, there was nothing more to say on the matter. I stood up, but my legs felt like jelly and I fell to the ground. I didn't like people fussing over me, I liked dealing with my own problems.
"Lorraine!" Nikki by my side yet again, don't get me wrong, I loved Nikki and it was nice knowing I had someone who cared, but I'd always been alone when I'd been like this. It wasn't long ago, that I was in hospital for being dehydrated. I barely ate when I was stressed.
"Look, Nikki, I'm fine" being as blunt as ever, I hadn't ever had anybody, so I didn't ever need anybody.
"Is it ok to be alone?" I asked, her face etched with worry.
"What if you pass out?" She really didn't need to worry, I was completely fine; trying to fool myself as well as her.
"Nikki I'm fine!" I shouted, yet I never meant it to come out like that. She left me. I still sat on the floor, I wanted to run away, I wanted to go home. Home? My house was not a home, nowhere ever felt like home. Nikki's parents house started feeling like home, but her dad soon ruined that. I wanted the ground to swallow me up, I wanted someone to comfort me, but I'd just thrown Nikki out of the room. I was messed up to the point, where I was too broken to be fixed. I suppose over time, the pieces start mending themselves, but only if you want them to. It was safe to say, I was petrified. I didn't like the unknown, I had to know everything. I was sat, tangled in my own thoughts and I could have sworn, these thoughts would be the end of me. I was an enemy to myself. The window was open in the bedroom, a cold breeze hit my face. The smell of lavender wafted through and it reminded me.

"Sonia, you didn't have to do that" Sonia bought me some lavender bath things, she knew I was upset from the other night. Mum was out working and we were left to our own devices. I hugged her, it was rare that we got presents. Even on my birthday, I got two presents, one from Sonia and one from my mum, mum gave me a book token; yay. Sonia bought me a necklace that matched hers and I wore it every single day, so did she. Our bond was strong, we only had each other.
"Son we're gonna be late for school" it was true, it was now half eight and it took ages to walk there.
"Alright, alright. I'll get our coats shall I ?" Her sweetness kept me going.
"Yeah, yeah. Thanks" I smiled at her, she was the best sister anyone could ever wish for.
We got out the door, thankfully. I hated this house, it was not a nice place to live in. Mum told us to keep out tonight, till about nine. Apparently she had company and didn't want us getting in the way. What she meant was, she was having a man round to have sex with. That's all she ever did, drink and have sex with dodgy men. I can remember one, trying it on with Sonia and he went into her bedroom; creepy. I had none of it and screamed the house down. Obviously mum did nothing and the guy just left to go back to mum's room. Some days I wished dad was alive, things wouldn't be like this. At least I had ambition now, I wanted everything to change, I wanted Sonia to have a good life. The walk was long, but I had Sonia to entertain me.
"Hey sis look!" There was a dirty van parked near us and she had written
'Clean me' on it. I found it amusing as it was her, she found the joy in everything. We were walking slowly and it was now ten to nine. I was a little worried, I wanted to prove everyone wrong and turning up late wasn't a good start.
"We could say mum had a funny turn" Sonia piped up and said. We had been off school before, because of her funny turns. Sometimes she'd be so drunk, that she couldn't hold her head up to be sick. Other times, she'd keep us off to run errands for her. Another thing about mum, was she borrowed money all the time, so when it came to pay day, she had to owe her wages back. Sometimes she'd get us to take the money to whoever it was she borrowed it off, not all of them were nice people.
"I need a cigarette" I shouted to Sonia to stop. I needed to roll a fag, the money I had, went on fags or clothes. I wanted to quit, but the stress of home kept me smoking. We then carried on walking after I'd lit one up.
"Hey Lorraine, do you think you'll make it" This was something I didn't want to talk about, I had self doubt.
"Of course I will, you watch. We will have a massive house with a pool and diamonds to die for" we giggled about it all the way to school. It was nice; dreaming.
"See you later sis" Sonia parted ways with me and left for her lesson. I felt bad, as we were late and she'd get into trouble too. As long as we stuck to our story, we'd be fine. That's what I told myself anyway. I got through the first lesson, dreaming about what me and Son had been talking about. I didn't like learning, but I was prepared to do whatever it took. I wanted it for myself, but I wanted it for Sonia more.
"Can I borrow Lorraine" Mr Byrne came in five minutes before break and asked for me. I waddled to his now empty classroom with him.
"Are you up for another evening classtonight?" I wasn't sure as mum told us to stay out till late and I didn't want to leave Sonia on her own.
"Can I bring Sonia, or can she wait somewhere?" I needed her with me, I didn't want her out in the cold, alone.
"I'm sure we can sort something out" Maybe he saw the worry in my eyes, at least she would be with me. I left Mr Byrne and went for break. We had one lesson, then break, then two lessons, then lunch, then two more lessons, then home. I went to find Mark, we usually had a ciggy behind the sheds, we weren't allowed to smoke on school premisses. I went behind the sheds and there he was, I think he was waiting for me.
"Hey Lo, what's the deal with you and Mr Byrne?" I hadn't told anyone about my night classes, due to the fact they'd probably all laugh at me.
"I'm having night classes" I thought sod it, he's my best friend.
"I respect you for doing it. At least one of us is going to do something good with their life" Just the reaction I was hoping for.
"Yeah, well" I didn't know what else to say.
"Like I said, you're going to make it" Mark had the biggest smile and one of the warmest hearts. I loved how we could be each other, around one another.
"Hey Mark" Poppy Longstone walked past and waved at him.
"She likes you. Why don't you ask her out" It was blatantly obvious she did. She always said hi to Mark.
"No way!" Sometimes I thought Mark could be gay himself, he never really spoke about any of the girls. I'd never even seen him with a girlfriend. I was having a nice time, then Steven turned up.
"Come here" he tried pulling me towards him, but I pushed him away.
"Piss off Steven" I said bluntly, I didn't want him near me.
"Fuck you Lorraine! We're over, I'll tell everyone how you're frigid. No boy will wanna come near you" he laughed and left. Like I gave a shit he broke up with me, I didn't even like him. I went out with him, just because.
"Aren't you even upset?" Mark asked.
"What?! No! He's a creep and really disgusting" Mark laughed at what I'd just said and so did I.
"Ohhh it's time, time for Mrs Langly" Mark knew I liked her, but not the way I actually liked her.

We sat together, the teachers never liked me and Mark sitting together. We usually disrupted the class and passed notes to each other.
"Mark, I'm trying this new thing. Learning, well I need to. I promised Mr Byrne I'd try harder" I looked at the desk with shame, I found it embarrassing to even be saying that.
"Lorraine, I get it" he placed his hand on mine and smiled. I pulled my hand away and sat up straight. I was ready for my next two lessons, I was ready to impress Mr Byrne and Mrs Langly.

One English lesson and one maths lesson, I had done pretty well. I surprised myself, as I knew the answers to most questions. I think the teachers were shocked too, I was really trying. I wanted to go onto college or do something, I needed to.
Me and Sonia never brought lunch with us, we usually ate the hot dinners. I barely ate a thing, I was stressing over all the little things. Exams, the house, mum and her dodgy guy coming over. I wasn't hungry, the thoughts just kept going round and round. I always worried, it comes from nowhere, then I hold onto the thoughts and they spiral out of control. Everything seems worse, than it actually is. I had been offered counselling when dad died, but at ten I didn't want anyone to talk to. I still didn't want to talk to anyone, I never spoke about my feelings.

The end of the day, I couldn't even remember what I had done. The day seemed a blur and I had been non stop thinking all day. I was worried about my mum, she is my mum after all. I knew what some of the blokes were like, right arseholes.

Sonia and I hung around in the school grounds till 4pm.
I went to the night class with her, she didn't want to come with me and swore she'd be ok, but I needed her with me. I was protective over her, she was my baby sister.
"Hello Lorraine, take a seat" Mr Byrne smiled and I sat down. It felt like a repeat of yesterday, like Groundhog Day or something. I sat and he started the lesson, Sonia sat in the room reading a book. She was such a nerd, but I'd give anything to be like her.

Mr Byrne offered to take us home, but it was only six and mum wanted us back at nine. I refused and we left.
"Where are we gonna go?" Sonia asked and I had no reply, I didn't know myself.
"We could go to the chippy? I have a fiver" I knew she must be hungry, so that's where we went.
"Where did you get the money from" I had taken it from mum's purse, she wasn't going to give us anything, so I had to, otherwise we wouldn't have any food.
"Never you mind, at least we will have a good meal" I reassured her.
We ordered and sat in, it was way too cold to be out. It took us forty minutes to walk to our local chippy from school. The chippy was ten minutes from our house, at least we could hang there for a while. I ordered the biggest portion of chips to share, I got Sonia a battered sausage and I got two cans of coke. I liked loads of vinegar on mine and brown sauce. It was a shame I didn't have any bread, a chip butty would have been nice. Beggars can't be choosers.
"Wanna go to the park after here sis? Please!" Sonia begged and we didn't have long till the chippy closed anyway. I agreed, as long as she didn't rush the food down.
We were the only two sitting in at this time, there were people ordering, but they took it home with them. I wish we could have done the same.
"Done?" I asked Sonia.
"Yeah" she grabbed the last chip and I put the paper in the bin. We left and I said thank you to the men behind the counter.
The park was lit by street lights, there was no one around and I sat on the swings. Sonia was having a blast on the slide. I was swinging back and forth, the cold hitting my face, bitter. Legs in, legs out, I was becoming dizzy, but I liked the feeling. The higher I got, the dizzier I got. I was laughing, smiling, yet there was no one to see my happiness. It was too dark and Sonia was occupying herself, it felt like a release. I hadn't had a laugh to myself for a long time. There was a road next to the park, cars driving past and the odd person walking. It was now eight and really dark, the air had gotten colder too, the sky was a grey/white colour. I was still on the swings and suddenly it started to snow.
"Lorraine! It's snowing!" Sonia beamed from across the park, her hands waving in the air. I could feel the droplets of snow press onto my face, cheeks red raw with cold. We both only had coats on, plus school jumpers. I had trousers on and so did Sonia, I made her put a hat on this morning, but I had nothing on my head. I lifted my coat hood, just so my hair wouldn't get wet and it would keep me warm. We were laughing and smiling at the fact it was snowing. I came off the swing and we started dancing around, linking arms. It was fun. I closed my eyes and took deep breaths in, spinning around. Sonia was doing the same, as long as we had each other, everything would be fine.
Half eight and the snow was heavy, it was starting to lay. The pretty white dust, falling, I wanted to make a wish upon it. It was like magical fairy dust falling on my nose.
"Lorraine!" There was a masculine voice calling my name.
"What are you doing here?!" I recognised the broad Scottish accent.
It was Mr Byrne calling me from a car, he had obviously drove past the park and seen us. He then got out of the car and was coming towards us. Sonia his behind me like we were in trouble, but it was out of school hours, so he couldn't do anything.
"Lorraine. What are doing out at this time, in this weather?" I didn't want to tell him the truth, but what else was I going to say? I could make up endless lies, but he wouldn't have believed me.
"Sonia, go have a final go on something" I told her and she went towards the swings.
"Lorraine, your face is red raw" He seemed concerned, I was fine.
"Mum wanted us out till nine" I said it.
"Nine?! In this weather, but why?" He was starting to annoy me.
"Why are you stalking us" It was weird he was even here in the first place.
"I live near here, I've just been to get some food" How could I trust him? He was probably like all of my mother's boyfriends.
"We're fine, we can go home soon" I tried to sound upbeat about it, but I knew what mum told us to do was wrong, just like he knew it was wrong.
"At least let me give you a lift home, you both look freezing" I was cold to the bone and just wanted my warm bed, so I called Sonia over and we got into Mr Byrne's car. The park was fifteen minutes on foot from our house and probably about seven in a car.

"Here we go" Mr Byrne dropped us off, but it was ten to nine.
"It's not nine yet, mum will kill us" what was Sonia saying?! If anyone knew, they'd call social services or something and I didn't want to lose Sonia.
"You can wait in here if you like" Mr Byrne offered.
"Thank you Mr Byrne" Sonia said, smiling.
"You two can call me Michael out of school" Michael, so that's his real name.
"Michael's a nice name" Sonia made me laugh, it was just a name. She saw something in everything. Sonia always saw the good in people, but was too trusting at times. I was the total opposite.
"See you both tomorrow" Mr; Michael waved and we walked towards our house. I was scared to enter the house, Sonia grabbed tightly onto my arm. We'd been through this a million times before, but it didn't get any easier. Seeing your mother drunk out of her brain, wasn't nice. I opened the door and walked in, Sonia followed.
No one shouted for us, which she usually done. I went into the living room whilst she stood near the front door. There was mum laying on the floor, sprawled out, arms and legs all over. I noticed something wasn't right, she was stiff, stiff as a board.
"Mum? Mum!?" She didn't answer me.
"Lorraine what's wrong?" Sonia still in the hallway near the door, shit! I didn't want her to see this.
"Sonia stay there" I couldn't let her see mum like this.
"Mum!" Sonia had come in, she was hysterical, crying and shouting.
"Sonia, give me your phone" she passed me her phone with shaking hands and I rang for an ambulance.
"Hello, can I have an ambulance. It's my mum, she's not responding. I don't know what's wrong" I stayed on the phone till the paramedics came, they arrived. Me and Sonia stood back, whilst they cared for her. I cradled Sonia, holding on so tightly, making sure I didn't let go. I kissed her forehead and she sobbed into my chest. The paramedics took her to hospital, we couldn't go with them. Only one person could fit in the back and I couldn't leave Sonia. I wouldn't let her go on her own, she'd be a wreck and it wasn't something a 14 year old should see.

It was morning, I hadn't slept and Sonia fell asleep on my lap. We stayed on the sofa with our quilts and blankets wrapped around us. It was as cold in here, as it was outside; no heating as usual. I had a plan, we didn't have any money for a bus or taxi, so we'd have to go to school and tell Mr Byrne. I promised Sonia we'd go and see mum today, there wasn't any other way.
"Son, wake up, it's morning" Sonia got up, her eyes looked bloodshot and sore. We were still dressed from the day before, I hadn't even had a chance to use the lavender bath stuff Sonia had bought me. I got my shoes on, they were wet from the snow last night and told Sonia to do the same. I told her what we were doing, it was9am already, so if we hurried, we'd be there by half past.
We walked in the snow, it had laid ok, but wasn't that deep. School was open, we got there at 35 minutes past nine. I needed to find Mr Byrne and tell him. I told Sonia to wait in the corridor and left her waiting. I found Mr Byrne in his class room teaching, I knocked on the door.
"Lorraine, can I help you?" I asked if I could have a minute with him.
He stepped outside the classroom and we started chatting.
"What's wrong, still up for night classtonight?" He was oblivious to everything, I wanted to cry.
"It's my mum. She was taken to hospital last night and we can't get to her, I don't have any money" I was telling him, I needed to tell someone, how else would we get to her.
"Is she ok?" He asked, I had no idea if she was ok, I was scared in case she wasn't.
"I don't know" I started crying, it was all too much.
"Ok, ok. Come on" Mr Byrne told his class to get on with their work and took me to the staff room.
"Ok, I need to let the head know what's going on and then, I might be able to take you to the hospital" I didn't care what he had to do, I just wanted to see my mum.
"Ok" I replied, still crying. I had left Sonia in the corridor, surely she'd think something was wrong. It wasn't long till Mr Byrne came back.
"Ok, I've told the head and she said it was all fine to take you" I was so glad, Sonia would be so happy. We walked towards where Sonia was, she stood looking upset, she was staring at nothing.
"Sonia, we're going to see mum" I smiled, trying to come across as happy. I was trying to be strong; for her.
"Really?" She smiled and hugged me.
That was that, we left school, got into Mr Byrne's car and left for the hospital. None of us knew what was going to greet us, we were all scared, even Mr Byrne looked frightened. We were off, driving towards mum. My hands were sweating, but all I could do was wait, that's all we had been doing. Times like these, made me even more determined to make something of myself, for me, for Sonia; even for mum.