The smell of lavender had drifted away and I was still sat on the floor, I wanted to make things up with Nikki. I should explain why I'm like this, then maybe she'd have a better understanding. I didn't want to keep hurting people. I made my way downstairs and it wasn't even Nikki's dad who had slammed the door, it was her mum putting the rubbish out.
"Nikki?" I knocked on the doorway to the living room, she sat there with a glass of water.
"Can we talk?" I wanted to say sorry for pushing her away. I'd even go to the doctors, if it made her feel any better.
"Lorraine, you don't talk, you push everyone away and then you wonder why we're all mad at you" Blimey, I didn't need this right now, yet I brought this on myself. Buddy was sat beside Nikki and I wanted to go home.
"Yes, I get it, but can I explain?" Asking if she would at least listen to me.
"Excuses, excuses. You're made up of them!" If she wasn't going to listen, then I might as well go home.
"Ok, well I'll leave then. Your dad hates me and obviously wishes I'd never set foot in here, you don't want to listen, so I might as well go back to Scotland" I was angry at her and at myself, if I had let her in, then we wouldn't be arguing.
"Lorraine? Is that what you really want? To go home?" It wasn't, deep down I just wanted everything to be ok. I can never handle confrontation with a loved one, it hurts, so I try to avoid it.
"No, I just want things to go smoothly for once. My mum liked her alcohol more than looking after me and my sister. I don't trust people and I never let anyone in. Her late alcoholic nights, probably put her where she is at the moment and that's in a home. She's lost her memory. I can't even introduce her to you and my dad's dead! I'm sorry that it's hard for me to let my guard down and I really wanted your dad to like me. I'm messed up Nikki, I'm fucking messed up!" Now I was letting her in, the truth was coming out and it was a bombshell.
"Lorraine, you come out with things, that you've never told me. You spring things on me, when I should know everything about you. You can trust me. Lorraine, you can tell me anything and I will listen, just please don't push me away next time. There's only so much one person can take" She got up and hugged me, I held on tightly, I didn't want her to let go of me. We sat and talked for over an hour, I told her about my past and why I'm the way I am. I had more to me, than the bitch I came across as.
"What do you want for dinner Lo?" Nikki asked me, as it was that time already, time seemed to fly by.
"Can we go out to get some chips and go for a walk somewhere" I loved walking, I mainly done it alone, but I wanted Nikki to come with me.
"Yeah, sure. We can take Buddy" It was a plan, I didn't want to eat in. I knew Nikki's dad was home soon, I wanted to avoid him. I know I'd have to face him sooner or later, but I couldn't right now. I felt tired and didn't want to worry. We decided to get Chinese instead, Nikki said we could sit at the park and eat it. There was an empty bench, it was nearly an empty park. We sat, even Buddy sat on the bench. It was one of those benches, that had a table. It was perfect for us, I sat opposite Nikki and Buddy, the food sat on the table. It was actually really nice, the breeze was warm. I dug into the chips first, Nikki had asked for some plastic forks. Chinese was one of my favourite takeaways, I usually got it when I fancied a takeaway.
"Uh, these are amazing" I was stuffing chips and egg fried rice into my mouth, I was surprised Nikki could make out what I was saying.
"Haha, I know. Did you want to come out to avoid dad?" I looked at Nikki.
"You read me well" I still felt the need to hide how I felt, maybe it was force of habit. I also had a habit of picking the skin around my fingers when I was stressed, I'd do it without noticing and my fingers were currently quite sore.
"Lorraine, yesterday was.. Yesterday. I think you need to stop worrying. If he says anything, I will say something to him myself. I was arguing with him for what he said yesterday and I told him we'd be gone if he said anymore" The fact she'd told him we'd be gone if he did say anything, meant a lot to me.
"Thank you anyway, for sticking up for me. I hope I didn't offend him with what I said. I just wanted to get my point across, not hurt the guy" We looked at each other and smiled. I gave Buddy some chips, Nikki side eying me.
"It's only a few" I laughed.
"I don't want a hefty vet bill, due to him eating everything we do" Blimey Nikki needed to chill.
"Chill woman! It's a few chips!" Laughing, she eased up. It was so nice. Little things like this cheered me up and being in Nikki's company was bliss. I always had to keep my mind occupied, otherwise I'd go crazy, that's partly why I was a workaholic.
We spent around half an hour eating and then got up to walk around. We held hands, walking closely together, one couple looked weirdly at us. I cared less here, than I did in Greenock. It was probably down to the fact, I'd never see these people again and had no idea who they were. It didn't bother me as much now, because I was beginning to accept who I was. I was always sure of myself, but I was always scared of what people thought of me. I'd give as good as I got, but deep down I was insecure and scared. We carried on walking, Buddy stopped so many times, sniffing and doing his business. "You want to go back?" Nikki asked, truth was, I wanted to run from the problem, not face it head first.
"Sure" I nodded, smiling and we walked back. Luckily it was a slow walk, Buddy stopped at every lamppost on the way back. My body started to tense up the closer we got. I could feel muscles tightening and I stopped just before we walked into the driveway.
"Look, it will be fine. I'm here; ok?" reassuring me wasn't going to help, I had already made my mind up on what was going to happen. Nikki was rubbing at my shoulders, if it was lower down, then maybe it'd help. I nearly laughed in this moment of fear. Dirty minded, stupid and just stupid! I gave Nikki the signal to go in, by nodding. A nod to say, I'm fine, I will get over this whole situation; all lies that I told myself. Nikki was first in, well Buddy if you want to be precise and obviously me being last. I needed a shield to hide behind, I was scared he'd throw punches at me, I was being unrealistic and dramatic.
"Nikki, wait" We came to a halt in the hallway, her parents sitting in the living room.
"I don't know if I can do this, I feel panicky" I whispered to Nikki, she let Buddy off the lead and he ran into the living room.
"Lorraine, fucking suck it up" I needed that, some blunt words and she was one hundred percent right.
"I'm just scared" I was, I was petrified. I hadn't been this scared in a long time and the funny thing was, it was also nearly Halloween; the irony. Her dad didn't need a mask to scare me, a few words and a grunt would do just fine.
"W, w, w, w, wait!" I was being childish now.
"Lorraine, come one! For fuck sake" Nikki then grabbed me, swapped places with me and pushed me into the living room.
"Oh hello lovely" Rose said.
I just looked at her and awkwardly waved. I couldn't say anything, then Nikki came to the rescue.
"Hey mum, hey dad. Everything ok?" Rose was fine, but John said nothing. I didn't want to speak, I felt like I shouldn't. I sat down on the sofa next to Rose, John was sitting in his chair and Nikki went to make tea. I wanted to throttle her for leaving me, I was starting to panic and didn't want anyone to see me like this.
"So how was your day Lorraine, I haven't seen you since yesterday" Rose asked me, but I hesitated to answer.
"I'm fine thank you. How are you?" I said nothing about the night before, it didn't need to be brought up.
"I'm well love, it's been one of those days. A boring one" She laughed and I followed. Being in Rose's company, reminded me of how much I adored her; she was a sweetheart. I missed my mum at times, even though I did resent her for what she put me and Sonia through. I got on with my mum as I got older, but there was always something that wasn't right between us. Before she suffered with Alzheimer's we had an argument about the past. I didn't see her for years and when the news came, the least I could do was pay for a home. I went to visit, but I didn't know the full extent of how she was until I got there. Sonia had always seen mum, she went for visits, but also saw her before her disease. They always had contact. Sonia would tell me how she was doing, but I ignored it most of the time. I had so much anger in me about the way we lived when I was younger, the way I took care of Sonia and the way we went without many things. We went without small things, like heating and sometimes food. I just never got over that fact, a mother should be much more than someone who just gave birth to you. I was finally over my rant, I was relived Nikki was finally back in the room. I could just drink a Starbucks coffee, my favourite coffee. Nikki poured me tea, she knew how I liked it and passed it to me.
"Thank you" I smiled.
Her dad didn't say anything to me, well hadn't said anything yet. I don't think he's going to, he seems like he wants to ignore me. I sipped my tea, it was made perfectly. I just kept quiet for a while, it was pretty awkward. I wasn't sure whether to say something to John, I felt like I should at least say hello or something.
"So, is the sport on today?" He didn't realise I was directing that question to him, there was a long pause.
"No, it isn't" at least I'd gotten something out of him, Rose and Nikki smiling. I don't think that I'm going to get anywhere with him, he's stubborn and hates me.
"Nikki, when are you heading back then?" John asked, I was wondering if it had an underlying message of, when is Lorraine pissing off back to where she came from. I didn't come from Scotland, I'm from London. I only lived in Scotland due to Waterloo Road, it was nice up there, but I sometimes missed the busy life of London. I'd have to take Nikki there, maybe we could drive down for a couple of days, we still had around three or four days left. The time seemed to be dragging on, it felt like I'd been here for forever. I was going to ask Nikki, maybe now.
"Nikki, you want to take a trip to London tomorrow?" Everyone looked at me, as though I was a mad woman.
"Lo, you wanna talk about it later" I was getting ahead of myself and probably chose the wrong time to say something. I was just excited about the whole idea of it, I don't know why I hadn't thought of it before. I wanted to go shopping and stay in a luxury hotel, eat fine food. I liked staying here, but I felt like I couldn't say anything in front of John, without him shooting me down. The only thing we'd have to think about is, Buddy.
"Lorraine, don't you think you're getting ahead of yourself. I mean, where's the dog going to go" I'm sure we could sort it out, I had contacts. Instead of a hotel, I could rent somewhere. They do holiday places, I'd have to check. I could call Simon, who manages my meetings, he knows about this sort of stuff.
"Nikki, let me sort it out. Please just say yes?" I really wanted to go and see London again. I hadn't seen London properly for a long time. I had meetings there, but never had time to enjoy it.
"I will call Simon, he will find us somewhere" she nodded and I called him, getting giddy.
"Hey Simon, would you do me a favour please? I need somewhere to stay in Central London, that allows pets" He told me to leave it with him and he'd sort it in the next two hours. He was a life saver, I could always rely on him. I went downstairs to sit with everyone, but Nikki sat alone in the kitchen. She looked upset.
"You ok?" I put my hand on her back and asked her.
"I'm fine, just one of those days" she smiled at me, but you could tell it was fake. I wondered if me wanting to go to London, was the reason for her upset.
"Is this because of London, I just wanted to go back to where I'm from and show you where I'm from" It was part of the reason I wanted to go back, as I hadn't been there for a long time and the other reason was, I was feeling uncomfortable. This was supposed to be a week of rest, but it turned into a week with the worlds grumpiest father. I wanted to relax and chill in a jacuzzi somewhere, or just a quiet night in, in front of the tv would do.
"No, well. I thought my dad would have liked you. I'm not upset that you want to go, just upset at the fact he's not trying. I've seen how he just looks and grunts at you, he's never been like this. I'm sorry" she was apologising?! It's him that should be apologising. He was making Nikki upset and I hated that. Why did money have to mean anything? I couldn't get my head round the very fact, that he wasn't even trying; not even for Nikki's sake.
"Fuck. Nikki. Don't say sorry, he should be apologising. I was expecting to get on with both of your folks, but sometimes things like this happen. Maybe we are too alike, but I have long blonde hair and your dad has near to none. Maybe he's jealous of my designer wardrobe, secretly wanting to steal some of my dresses. I think he likes my dark pink one" I made her laugh, she had the sweetest smile. Although she was smiling, she looked defeated.
"Come on, get up!" I pulled her up and hugged her, my arms tightly wrapped all the way around. I thought she needed a hug.
"What would I do without you, hey?" More like, what would I do without her.
"You wouldn't be arguing with you dad and would probably be better off" Done it again, probably the wrong thing to say.
"Don't say that. This is what I don't get about you. At work, you're strong and you're a leader, yet you seem to hate the person you are. I don't understand how someone like you, could hate their self, or think they're unworthy of others. You're kind of like Jekyll and Hyde, two different people. I wish the Waterloo Road lot, got to see how you actually are, because they only see the work side and the side I see, is your best" Her words speaking truth, they hit home a little. I'd always been like this, with people I don't know or don't trust, I'm Lorraine the big shot blunt bitch. With Sonia and Nikki, even Mark; I'm me. I try so hard at work, trying to be a tough nut and it's hard, because everyone hates me, but they really don't know who I am. Nikki couldn't have said it any better, she hit the nail on the head, she got me exactly down to a T.
It was a while since I'd been on the phone to Simon, but he'd finally called me. Apparently they had an apartment right near Hyde Park. They accepted pets and I told him to book it for two nights. The apartment was part of the Go Native Hyde Park Apartments. Simon had emailed me some photos of the place, luckily having an iPhone, I could basically do anything on it. It was amazing, one of the nicest apartments I'd seen for rental. It was sleek, classy and modern. I couldn't wait to show Nikki.
"Nik, look!" I passed her my phone and she started scrolling through the pictures.
"Wow, Lorraine. It's way too expensive and they take pets?!" I didn't care if it was expensive, she was my girlfriend and I wanted to spoil her at all times.
"Yes, they take pets and I've booked it for two nights. Leaving tomorrow" I was excited, really excited. We could go for walks around London, go shopping, out for dinner and maybe take a walk down memory lane. I wanted to explore the place I'd lived in for years, the place I came from.
"Tomorrow? That's soon, what am I going to say to mum and dad. We were supposed to be here for the whole week" my excitement dropped and I felt sad.
"Just tell them we are going to my home town for a few days, I came here didn't I? I mean, I know you can't meet my parents and even if I took you to see my mum, she wouldn't know who I am anyway. I just want you to see London, the way I see it. I mean, like, ugh I don't know Nikki. I just thought it'd be nice. A step into my world" I hoped she would say yes, I needed to go back. I had time off and now I had the idea in my head, I couldn't let go.
"Ok, ok. I will tell them now. Might as well get it over and done with" she smirked and left to break the news to her parents. I hid away, waiting and waiting for Nikki to come back. I was twiddling my thumbs, I was playing with my hair and a few minutes felt like hours. Nikki arrived back.
"They said it's fine, as long as you come back sometime. My mum seemed sad though, she loves you to bits" I was going to miss Rose, she was a diamond and I liked her company.
"I will, don't worry. I will make time for us to come and visit. I promise" I wanted to come back, even if her dad didn't like me. Maybe he had to come around to the idea of me being with Nikki. Maybe he needed space.
"I'm getting excited now, I've never stayed in the centre of London. I've never stayed in London, I've only visited. I actually can't wait!" I was glad she felt the same. I was looking forward to going back to my roots, it was going to be fun.
I woke up to the sound of the alarm going, Nikki was stirring too. The fucking thing was loud, this morning we had to get our stuff in the car. I needed to say goodbye to Rose, I also needed to call Sonia. I wanted to let her know, in case she wanted something from London. I thought I'd call Sonia from the car, my first priority was getting all my things together. Me and Nikki had packed last night, but there was a few bits and bobs laying around.
"Have you got your toothbrush?" Nikki asked from across the bedroom.
"I have now" I'd forget my head if it wasn't screwed on. I had all of my things, I think.
"You ready?" Nikki looked at me, she was ready, I was ready and it was time to say goodbye.
We put our things in the boot and went back inside for the final time
"Oh love, I'm going to miss you" I was going to miss Rose too, she was one of the reasons I loved being here and her accent was just lovely to listen to. Nikki hugged and kissed both her parents, she was crying. I guess not seeing them for a long time, then staying, then having to say goodbye, was hard. I even had tears in my eyes, seeing Rose and Nikki cry.
"Bye Lorraine, nice meeting you. Look after her for me" Nikki's dad, it was a miracle, he was nice to me.
"Of course I will" I smiled, I felt happy knowing he was ok with me and whatever had happened, was water under the bridge. I just hoped it stayed this way. We had said our goodbyes and I was actually going to really miss this place, it was a nice town, but I was also excited about leaving. Nikki got in the car first, I told her I'd drive. She put Buddy on her lap and I reversed into the road. Waving and waving, we then were half way up the road. I held Nikki's hand and gave it a tight squeeze, we were off to London.
I needed to call Sonia and let her know, so I gave my phone to Nikki to call her. The phone rang and rang, but no answer, I'd then remembered she was at Waterloo Road. I told Nikki to call the office and Sonia picked up.
"Hello, this is Sonia speaking at Waterloo Road, how can I help?" It was weird hearing her like that, she came across all sophisticated.
"Son, it's me, Lorraine"
"Oh hey sis, what are you doing calling here?" It was obvious, but it didn't click in her brain.
"I couldn't get hold of your mobile, no idea why, you're normally stuck to it" She always had it glued to her hand, a bit like me, but hers was for pleasure and not business.
"Yeah, well. So what do ya want?" She asked.
"I'm going to London, do you want me to bring anything back?" There was a long silent pause.
"London, what for? I thought you were staying at Nikki's parents. You had a row or something?" I wanted to tell her all about it, but not in front of Nikki.
"No, thought I'd take a trip down memory lane. Look, Sonia, do you want anything?"
"Do you think that's a good idea? Yeah I would, can you get me some of that honeycomb we used to get and that sherbet" It was a great idea going to London and those sweets she was talking about, were the best.
"If they still do them, I don't even know if the shop is still there" there used to be a sweet shop near our old house, they done all the sweets you could imagine. Me and Son used to go there, when we had enough money that was.
"Alright, got to go. See you soon" After that sentence, I got Nikki to hang up.
"Your sister makes me laugh" Nikki said.
"I hope not in a bad way" I hope she wasn't offending her, I offended Sonia all the time (which I shouldn't do) but if anyone else did, I'd have em.
"Lorraine, no. She's a lovely girl, it's crazy that you're even sisters, you're totally different" We are total opposites, it was true. I loved Sonia though, I wanted to arrange a day out for us both when I got back to Greenock. We were so close when we were younger, I wanted to rebuild that bond we had. It was there, somewhere deep down, it just needed to be pulled out.
"Well here we go then, to London" I wanted to say, to buy a Heat magazine, but it wasn't all that funny.
"You bringing me here, is this you unlocking some of your secrets then?" Nikki asked.
"They're not secrets, but there's things you should know, that I want you to know" it was the start of a new beginning. I wanted to face my fears and let Nikki in, let her know who Lorraine was, who I am.