"Oops I did it again, I played with your heart, got lost in the game. Oh baby, baby" Me and Nikki had been singing this song, ever since it had come on the radio.
"That song is a classic" I wanted to laugh.
"You're a fan of Spears?!" Nikki really didn't seem like the type, really? Britney?
"I listened to her a lot, I admit. Come on, surely you have a guilty pleasure?" I couldn't think of one at that moment.
"I like the Spice Girls" I loved the Spice Girls, they were epic!
"Ok, and I'm the bad one for liking Britney?" She had a point, but the Spice Girls were so epic and I loved them more than Britney. Today was going to be a long journey, three and a half hours it takes to drive to London from Bradford. I liked driving. We had already stopped off and we'd only been on the road an hour. I might have to swap over with Nikki, as I'm impatient and I had terrible road rage. I wouldn't hesitate in shouting at people, rolling down the window and beeping my horn. Being dirty minded, of course that sounded rude.
"At least we have smarties!" I shouted, Buddy looked at me weirdly. Nikki was laughing, but kept telling me to look at the road. I hated being told what to do, even if it was Nikki and she was right. I just hated it.
"We have two and a half hours left, please find something decent on the radio" I pleaded with her, I needed something good to fill my ears. Florence And The Machine came on, she had an amazing voice. Nikki was about to change the station.
"Leave it woman!" I slapped her hand away from the radio, I was getting really excited. I could be over the top and childish when excited, I usually needed someone to smack me round the head. I wound down the window, not to shout at people, but to get some fresh air. All I could smell was Nikki's car air freshener and I hated the smell of those shitty little things. I just liked to have nothing in my car, it was cleaned regularly and didn't really need one. My perfume always left a nice scent in the car too.
"I hate those" I pointed at the freshener.
"I didn't buy it, I got given it. I thought it'd be rude not to use it" Well at least she could hack the smell, I was getting queasy.
"Can't you just throw it out of the window?" I asked, bluntly. I wanted it gone, two hours more of this smell and I'd have a headache.
"Lorraine! You can't just throw it!" I laughed at how serious she sounded.
"Don't worry, I won't chuck it away. Not without your permission anyway" I chuckled again.
"What has gotten into you?" She was looking at me like I was going crazy.
"I wish something of yours would get into me" I was crude, but I think she like it. I hoped she liked it.
"I'm really excited, I've never taken anyone to explore London with me. Me and Sonia had some of the best laughs there" I was being honest, even though what had happened with mum, me Sonia and still had good times back then. We made the most out of everything and Sonia had a wild imagination, which made it even better.
"So are we just going to Central London, or are you taking me to see where you grew up?" I didn't want to answer that question, I hadn't figured out what I was doing yet. I was excited about going to London, I did want to show Nikki where I used to live and where I grew up, but I was scared. I was scared, that going back there, would upset me and that's the last thing I wanted.
"Maybe, yeah" I left it at that and went silent, the thought of going back hitting me. I needed to roll down the window further.
"Is it hot in here, or is it me?" Asking Nikki, when I knew it was me.
"I think it's you" she laughed.
"It just seems so hot in here" I had worry on my mind and it was coming out like this, it was embarrassing. I was getting a thin layer of sweat on my face, I was blowing on my face; well trying.
"Lorraine, calm down. You're going to spontaneously combust in a minute" I was in that kind of mood, where joking, wasn't going to help.
"I know" I wasn't laughing, I felt too hot.
"Take your blazer off for goodness sake" it would have been a great idea, if I wasn't driving.
"Keep your eyes on the road, that's what you said" Getting smart with Nikki.
"Ok, ok. I could help take it off" I didn't want her to help me, I'm not incapable of undressing myself.
"No, I'm fine" I wasn't fine, I was fucking boiling.
"Lorraine" Nikki looked at me like she was disappointed, like I was in the wrong, which I was. I always got in a mood when I was uncomfortable, it was force of habit. I'd done it for such a long time, it was hard to break the cycle.
"I'm sorry, it's just, when you asked that question" I stopped then carried on.
"I clammed up, going back to where I lived, where I grew up; I thought it would be easy. When you said and asked, fear came over me" where the fuck was this coming from, somewhere deep down and I was actually saying how I felt.
"Well. We don't have to go" she smiled at me, she always smiled at me. I felt a warmth run over my body, I was already fucking hot; why?!
"No, I want to" I said, gripping tightly onto the steering wheel. Memory lane, here we come.
An hour left, a fucking hour left. We had to stop, as I couldn't drive anymore. I needed a break. Yes I know I'd only been driving for two and a half hours, but I was getting too frustrated with the whole idea of it. I let Nikki take the wheel, otherwise I'd end up shouting at everything.
"Lorraine, stop fidgeting" I was all over the place. I wanted to get out of the car and run around, the excitement was all too much. I wanted the drive to be over, I was like a child; I wanted to say, are we there yet?
"So what have you got planned for us?" I hadn't planned anything, I wanted it to be free flowing. For the first time, I didn't want to control everything.
"Nothing really. We can go back to where I used to live? If you want? I was just expecting to relax and go shopping" Nikki smirked at my words, not looking at me, but looking at the road.
"Is that all you think about? Spending money?" Yes and no, I didn't just think about money.
"You don't understand" I mumbled, I don't think she heard me.
"What is there to understand?" Shit, she heard me.
"Nothing. It doesn't matter" I felt like if I said what I wanted to, she'd laugh at me. I always had that fear in the back of my head, the fact if I said anything to anyone about how I felt; they'd laugh at me or they'd say I was stupid.
"Lorraine" Nikki took her eyes off of the road for a split second and looked at me, she sighed.
"You really want to know, why I spend a lot of money, on nice things?" I was on the fence, whether to say anything, but I could tell she really wanted to know.
"Yes, why do you like splashing the cash?" She asked me.
"I've" I paused and looked down at my lap, then carried on.
"I've never had, well, had money. I wasn't a kid who got spoilt on my birthday. We barely had food in the cupboards, we rarely had heating. It was up to a point, where our childhood was the best childhood, but then it changed. My dad died and mum couldn't handle it, she went off the rails, she drank and drank. I looked after Sonia, I was there for her and she was there for me. I spend money, because I can. I didn't have the latest gadgets or clothes, neither did Sonia. I wanted a better life for me and her, so I made it happen. I like spoiling myself and her, because we didn't have nice things when we were younger. I know it seems flash and maybe stupid, but it makes me feel good. I can get what I like now, a feeling I'd never had before and now that I do, I love it" there you go Nikki, that's how it is.
"Sorry. For thinking you just liked to show off. I didn't know" It was fine, it probably came across like that to many people.
"Don't be. A lot of people probably think that, but unlike you; they don't know me" She was beginning to get me, she was beginning to understand how I am and why.
The time passed quickly and we were soon in London. Luckily I knew where we were going, Nikki would have gotten lost without me. We pulled up in front of the place, wondering where we were going to park. I then just realised, there was a private car park around the corner, well attached to the place. We parked, got out and went to check in. It was like a hotel, yet they were posh apartments.
"We should check in, then bring our things up" Nikki suggested, it was a good idea. We could take Buddy up and leave him in the apartment, whilst we got our things.
Checking in was a breeze. We entered the apartment, I heard Nikki gasp.
"It's even better than the pictures" It was true, her words said exactly what I was thinking. The whole place was decked out in cream and browns. It was amazing. I'd stayed in a lot of posh places, but I still got amazed every time a place looked gorgeous. Sometimes it did feel like I was in a dream, only it wasn't a dream, it was reality. I had to even pinch myself sometimes, it was surreal.
"Are you sure you want to stay here? This must have cost a bomb. I feel bad for not paying anything" oh Nikki!
"Nikki! Stop! My treat, I love you, now shut up" I smiled and sat on the sofa, it being brown leather. The cushions! My small frame, could have gotten lost in them.
"Wow, look! They even have complimentary drinks, we have a fridge full of them!" Oh yes, that's what Nikki loved. Being able to have a tipple, in a lovely apartment for free.
"Come here for a minute" She came over and stood over me, I was still sat on the sofa. I grabbed her shirt and pulled her.
"Loraai" she couldn't get all of my name out, she fell right on top of me.
"Hahahah" I laughed childishly.
"Lorraine, I fucking love you!" She grabbed my face and squished my cheeks, I probably looked like a hamster.. (That was the first thing that came into my head). Nikki then kissed me, passionately. Her legs were separated and I was between them, her body on mine. The taste of her lips, like no others, sweet and blissful. I then couldn't stop kissing her.
"Miss D, let's go and get our things. As much as I'd love to keep kissing you, we need to get our stuff, then we can relax and chill" She was right, we should just get it over and done with. Maybe someone would help us carry our things to the lift, well to be honest, we didn't need anyone; we only had a suitcase each.
"Ok, let's go" Nikki grunted and got off of me. We left Buddy in the flat and left to get our stuff.
Heaving our things to the lobby, then to the lift, wasn't that bad. At least these things had wheels, I would never have been able to carry my bag. In the lift once more, I started getting dirty thoughts in my head. Sex in a lift, I would never do it, but at least I could fantasise. Nikki, naked against the mirrored walls, the shape of her body glimmering everywhere. The steam creeping up the mirrors, as the room gets hotter. Nikki scratching at my back, the biting and kissing. I'd love to fuck her up against a wall, maybe I should. There's an idea. Smiling to myself and after imagining all sorts, we were on our level.
"Grinning for a reason Miss Donnegan?" Of course I was, Nikki was hot and I liked imagining her naked.
"I am, but you'll have to wait till later, to find out why" I could have done her then and there. I constantly felt horny around Nikki, sometimes her kisses would be enough to get me really going.
"Sounds interesting" Nikki you have no idea, it is very interesting.
Buddy awaited us at the door, going crazy, as we were finally back. I got annoyed and shouted at him, he was in my way and trying to get a suitcase through into the bedroom, with a dog jumping up you; is pretty hard. Nikki looked at me like I was a meanie. I put my bag in the bedroom, didn't bother to unpack and Nikki done the same. We both looked at each other, smiled, then I ran and jumped on the bed. Nikki followed, we were like giddy teenagers. I always felt kid like being around Nikki, she bought my fun side out and I loved it.
"Haha, this bed is amazing!" Nikki shouted, as she waved her arms in the air.
"I know!" I probably disturbed the neighbours, I was quite loud, but I didn't give a shit. I was having fun and I was really relaxed in my new surroundings.
I had no idea what we were going to do that evening, Nikki kept quiet, So I didn't know what she wanted to do. I didn't know whether to go for an evening walk, or book a table at a nice restaurant. I knew a restaurant where I sometimes had business meetings, it had amazing food and nice people.
"There's a restaurant I know. Wanna go?" I asked.
"No, not really" I was about to give up with my ideas, after suggesting so many and getting so many no's back.
"Can we go to a local chippy or kebab shop and order food from there? I can't be bothered with dressing up and being around a lot of people" Nikki sounded fed up, like something was bothering her. I hated seeing her like this, it made me feel bad too.
"Something wrong?" I just hoped she'd tell me if there was.
"I feel a bit low. Call me crazy, but I'm actually missing Waterloo" Oh, that's what was wrong, thought it might have been her dad or coming here. Her words made me feel like, I shouldn't be here and I shouldn't be enjoying it.
"So.. Do you want to go home?" I asked.
"No Lo. Ugh just give me a cuddle" cuddling was nice, it was a nice feeling having someone's arms around you.
"It's getting late, even though it feels like we've hardly spent any time at all here" I was getting at, let's go get some food and wine. I wanted to have a good evening in with Nikki. Stuff walking around and restaurants, we will just relax.
"Any kebab shops around here? I really fancy pizza" I actually hadn't a clue where they were around here. I had been to London, but never really went into any kebab shops.
"We could ask around. Actually, to be honest, there's probably one really close. This is Central London, so they're going to want to be situated here. The busier the place, the more money" I was right, no food business is going to be in the middle of nowhere.
"Let's go outside and look around, we don't have to be long. We are only going to look for a food place" I wanted to get some food, I was hungry and wanted to get in and out, then back here. Nikki suggesting that we go to a take out, was probably the best idea.
"Ok, let me get my shoes on" Nikki went to put her white converses on, I wanted a pair. I then thought, I'm mainly at work and heels are my thing.
"There's one!" Nikki shouted and pulled me back by my arm.
"Thank fuck for that" We hadn't been hunting long, but I wanted food. Never get in the way of a woman and her food, food makes everything better; well that's what I think. I'm being a hypocrite, I hardy eat. Stress. I ordered a large chicken and sweet corn pizza, one bag of large fries, two cokes and a pot of mayonnaise. I was hungry, I wanted food and I needed a lot of it; hence the large pizza for only two people. I couldn't wait to get stuck in, the walk back seemed bloody long and all I could smell was our fucking food.
"Oh blimey, give me strength" I looked into the sky.
"Lorraine, hahaa. That hungry eh?" Nikki, I am fucking famished. Then I saw the holy grail, where our apartment was.
"We're here, thank goodness" Nikki looked at me, I was like a friggen animal. A small dog to chicken.
"This pizza is so nice" I was making moaning sounds whilst I ate, I think I even got weird looks off of the dog.
"Ugh fuck yes!" Only when I said that, Nikki replied.
"You're going to get me horny" I then nearly choked on my food.
"Wasn't expecting you to say that!" I was shocked and I found it quite funny.
"Lorraine, can I ask you something?" She could ask anything, as long as it wasn't about something deep. I get all uncomfortable with feelings, although I did open up about some things with her.
"Sure" I smiled, still eating.
"Does your mum know you're gay?" Oh blimey, here we go. Questions like this, I hated them. I wanted the ground to swallow me up, as now I'd have to explain and tell her. If I didn't, she'd get offended, or maybe she'd understand.
"Can we talk about it whilst we're comfy and warm in bed" I asked, avoiding the whole question; well only for a little while.
"Sure" she kissed me and smiled afterwards. I was glad she said yes, as I was hungry. I didn't want to speak about the shit past, whilst eating this amazing tasting food.
"Bath after food, or drink the rest of this wine and then soak in the tub?" Like she needed to ask, wine was a number one choice, always.
"Wine!" I laughed, there was only half a bottle left. We only got one bottle, so no one was going to get drunk. I would probably get a little tipsy, Nikki too.
The wine had gone and for some reason, it had gone straight to my head. The room was slightly spinning, if I'm being honest.
"What the fuck. What fucking wine is that! My head!" we didn't look before we bought it, well I just grabbed the first bottle. I didn't care. I done a lot of that, not caring.
"How the fuck do I know?" Her reply made us both burst out into fits of giggles.
"Oh my fuck, turn the radio or something on!" I needed music and there was a CD player on the work top. The kitchen was open plan and I felt like dancing all around.
"Ok, I can't find the button haha" both tipsy, I'd even say a little drunk.
"Let me try" I walked over, surely this thing had a radio. I haven't got any fucking CDs.
"Yes!" It came on and I turned the station to absolute 80s.
"I fucking love 80s music!" I beamed, really loudly.
"Me too!" Nikki shouted, we both decided to start dancing everywhere.
"Hahahah Lorraine!" I was on the sofa jumping around, the wine had given me a boost.
"Join me you fool!" I pulled her up and we were both miming to the song and dancing away. Giggling and having a blast.
"Oh shit, I feel sick" I became a little queasy, I think I needed to stop dancing. I sat down on the sofa I'd been jumping on.
"Few, blimey. Why am I feeling so hot" Nikki looked flushed in the face, she sat down next to me.
"I know, you're probably the fittest person I know" It was true, Nikki was always running, or doing something active.
"It's the wine" Her face looked as red as the wine we'd been drinking.
"Why the fuck do I feel so tipsy, yet we haven't had loads. One bottle shared between two, normally does nothing to me" I hadn't felt like this for ages, this wine was bloody strong stuff. I regretted getting it and drinking it, but it was fun dancing around with Nikki.
"I feel ew, like dirty" being on the road made me feel dirty, like I needed to wash. Maybe I had some underlying problem, but I wanted a bath. A shower wasn't relaxing enough, so I got Nikki to run me a bath. She was being a darling as usual, she's not my slave, but I couldn't move; I was stuck to my seat.
"It's nice and hot, plus I put loads of bubbles in it" How sexy I thought, the bath and Nikki. I knew what I was doing, I was only tipsy and not drunk.
"Thank you" I went to get a t shirt, I was going to wear that and just some knickers to bed.
"Not joining me then" I asked Nikki when I walked through to the bathroom. There were two bathrooms. One was an ensuite and one was down the hall from the kitchen. I went to the one nearest Nikki, I wanted her to join me. Why else would I have asked?
"Hmmm shall I? Or shan't I?" Fuck she knew how to tease me.
"Just come" I meant in more ways than one, fuck I'm a dirty minded woman.
"Ok, ok. I'm coming" Yep you will be Nikki. I dragged her into the bathroom, before you knew it, we were already naked.
The bath was a nice, slow hot one, steam up the mirrors. Nikki's body was soft to the touch, almost feather soft. The water ran down her back, drop by drop. Her hair was wet, slicked back, her cheekbones defined. Kisses were laid all over my arched body, the bubbles disappearing, the ends of my hair damp. I left my Mark on her left breast, biting and sucking.
We were now in bed, but the thought of what had just happened in that bath tub, was on my mind. The way she touched me, so delicately, like I was porcelain and easy to break. Her bites down my neck and the way she tucked my hair behind my ear. The breath of her, the way it felt on my wet skin. I couldn't stop thinking about it, it couldn't top a night in at our palace in Bradford, but every time I slept with Nikki, I felt like time stopped. I know that sounds cliché, but it's actually what it felt like. I had felt something before, with me and Brooklyn, but not this. This was different and I can't explain why or how, it just was.
We were in bed sitting up, well Nikki laid her head on my chest. I was stroking her chestnut hair. She then looked up at me.
"Lo, does your mum know you're gay. Well did she know then, that you're gay, you were going to say" I did say I was going to tell.
"I thought I'd get lucky and you wouldn't remember" I was going to find this one hard, explaining everything and telling the story.
Nikki sat up, she was now opposite me.
"Is it that hard to say? Lo, you don't have to. I understand if it's difficult. I know how it can be, going back in time" I believed she did know, but I wasn't sure about this one. I was on the fence. Part of me wanted to tell her and part of me was scared to reveal all. I was going back to my usual self, I felt like I was transforming into the Lorraine who avoided emotions. I needed to suck it up really. The way Nikki was so interested in me and who I was, made me feel special. No one really takes an interest in me, because I push them away and I'm harsh at times.
"Lo?" Nikki called my name, snapping me out of my own thoughts.
Her face was etched with worry for some reason, maybe as I looked scared to death.
"If I tell you and I stop, because it's hard, you won't push me to get it out of me. Will you?" I had to ask.
"Lorraine, what do you take me for? Of course not, if you stop I get it. Honestly" she started shaking my leg with her hand. Having the words of Nikki in my head, reassured me it's going to be ok.
"Ok, so here it is" I smiled awkwardly and started to tell.