Me, Sonia and Mr Byrne arrived at the hospital. It wasn't long before we were at mum's bed side. She lay there asleep. The doctors said she was fine, she was just very drunk. I knew it, deep down, I knew she was fine. Sonia was crying again, the fact that, the reason being was mum, really pissed me off. I knew Sonia looked at mum for love and attention, but never really got it. Mum gave me more attention than her, I was her favourite to hate, that's what I always told myself.
"Son, she's fine. You heard the doctors" I hugged her as Mr Byrne watched. I think he felt awkward standing there like a plank, he didn't say anything either.
"Son, she's asleep as she's hung over" As usual I thought, she'd just gotten even more pissed than usual this time.
"Girls, I'm going to get tea. You two want anything?" We were both hungry and thirsty, but I daren't say anything.
"Um, Mr Byrne. Can I have a cup of tea too please?" Sonia, her face so innocent, the nicest way that anybody could have asked.
"Of course" Mr Byrne smiled and left.
"Sonia!"
"What?" She was oblivious to what I was trying to get at. You can't just ask for something, well he did offer.
Mum hadn't moved or opened her eyes, we couldn't stay here for the night. Mum was only sleeping, I wanted to get home and not wait around. I sounded harsh, but she always did this; she always did this and there was no stopping her. I tried many times to try and stop her, to tell her, but she never listened. She didn't see it as, she had a problem, she always saw it as 'just having fun'.
I wanted to go home, but it wasn't really a home to go back to. Mr Byrne finally came back, he'd brought us all tea and had come with biscuits too. He had the biscuits underneath his chin and was struggling to carry three teas.
"Let me" I grabbed a tea to help him.
"You didn't have to get me anything" I felt embarrassed.
"Lorraine it's fine, you looked like you could do with one" he was right, I was starving and desperately needed a cuppa. We sat around mum, drinking our tea and eating biscuits. There was an awkward silence, as no one knew what to say to each other.
The silence was then finally broken, mum woke.
"What is he doing here, who is he?" That's all she said.
"It's our teacher, Mr Byrne" Sonia said.
"Teacher?! Lorraine! Why did you bring him here!?" The only reason she didn't want him there, was because she was there, in hospital. It wouldn't look good, on her part.
I couldn't take her shit anymore, she was fine and she brought this all on herself. I needed to get out, I walked out.
"Lorraine" Mr Byrne called. I was about to cry and didn't want anyone to see me. He came running after me, Sonia still with mum.
"She's just sitting there fine and doesn't even ask how we are. Forget her!" I couldn't believe her, she annoyed me so bloody much.
"How often is she drunk Lorraine?" I didn't want to answer, she was always drunk. Only at night.
"At night, mostly. I look after Sonia and she prefers to have men for company" I hated that she chose men over us.
"Lorraine, you do know I will have to tell the school about this" I couldn't let him, it would ruin us.
"No please, please don't. We are fine, we will be fine. Please Mr Byrne!"
I needed him to say nothing. I needed to keep Sonia with me.
"Ok, ok. I will tell them your mother is in hospital and that's it, but I could get into serious trouble for this" I nodded my head, tears streaming down my face.
"Thank you. I want to prove myself Mr Byrne. I need a better life for me and Sonia, I really need the night classes to carry on and I will do my best" I was making a promise and I swore I'd never break it.

The day was nearly over and mum had been discharged. She was fine, she was allowed to go home. Mr Byrne took us all home. Mum hesitated, but finally agreed to let him. We were back and Mr Byrne had gone. I went straight to my bedroom, mum calling after me. I didn't care, I'd rather go and lay on my bed and listen to rock music. Sonia followed and came in my room, she looked so tired.
"Son, come here" I hugged her, I had her cradled in my arms.
"I'm so tired Lo" I could tell, her eyes were red raw.
"Go to sleep, come on. Get on the bed and lay with me" I moved up the bed and put my head on the pillow, she did the same. I put my arm around her, we laid there together. Both staring at the ceiling, rock music was out of the picture. I wanted a hot bath, but couldn't have one, I'd prefer to look after Sonia anyway.
I could then hear her snoring lightly, she was out cold. I laid thinking about nice cars and a house with a pool, also thinking about how I'd have a gorgeous brunette on my arm. I wanted that life, I had to have it. I fell asleep and woke in the middle of the night, needing the toilet. I went to the loo and I could hear mum's TV on in her bedroom. She had obviously decided to actually sleep in her bed for a change. Normally she spent nights on the sofa watching dodgy game shows. I was hoping after her hospital ordeal, she would have had a shock and I was hoping she'd change. I don't believe in miracles though.

It was the next morning and I really wanted a bath. I hadn't had one for a long while and I was beginning to feel disgusting. I went into mum's bedroom to ask for money, I could just pop to the shop and put some money in the meter.
"Mum, can I have a fiver?" I asked, thinking she might have some money.
"I haven't got any money" she just sat upright in her bed, fully clothed, didn't even look at me. I left the room, no bath for me. There was electric, but no gas and we had a shower that attached to the bath taps. Fuck it I thought, I will have a cold shower. I needed something. Most days we did have heating and hot water, but mum preferred getting electric. It was a bad week I told myself, more like a bad god knows how many years.

Fuck it was cold, the water running over my already cold body. I finally got to use the lavender bath stuff Sonia had gotten me. It smelt amazing, it made me forget about the cold water for a few seconds. The soap ran all over my small frame, there was a few razors left. I needed to shave, I hadn't in a while, I hated any hair on me except from my head. Oh and obviously my eyebrows. I soon got out of the shower, as I was frozen to the bone. I got into my school uniform and left the bathroom to find Sonia.
"Son?" I called her name, but no answer. I went into my bedroom, she was asleep. I'd gotten her up, but she must have gone back to sleep. I didn't mind leaving her here sleeping, she probably needed it. Sometimes she'd wake up after having a nightmare, she would then come into my room. Most days she was tired from it, so one day away from school wouldn't hurt. I went downstairs, grabbed my cigarettes and left the house. I was glad to get out, school was kind of an escape. I know I acted out sometimes, but it was a better place than home. I arrived at school, I wasn't late for a change. I did want a cigarette before I went in though, otherwise I'd crave one throughout the lesson. I would have smoked all of my fags by now, but recently Mark was always topping me up when I was low. I took a deep breath in, air, not cigarettes and walked into the school. I was glad I decided to smoke a fag before hand, as I was greeted by Mr Aide. He was miserable, he never smiled and he hated me. Thank goodness for nicotine.
"Lorraine Donnegan, why are you out in the corridor, shouldn't you be in your lesson?" I didn't need him giving me a lecture, I had bigger things on my mind and really wasn't in the mood. I was in that mood where, if anyone got on my nerves, I'd fucking snap.
"I'm now going. I had some family issues" Just go away Mr Aide.
"Well make sure you're not late next time" Mr Aide then walked off, leaving me to go to my first lesson. I had art first thing, at least it wasn't a chore for me. I quite liked art, it was actually really relaxing. I walked in, everyone already sat down. They all stared as I walked in, Mark wasn't there. Maybe he was ill or something. I went to sit at the back, Mrs Day pulling her glasses down to the tip of her nose.
"Why are you late?" She asked. I'd had enough of people asking that question, two was enough to tip me over the edge.
"I was at the pub, I fancied an early morning beer. I have some peanuts in my bag, got them from there too. Want one?" I joked, everyone laughing. I wasn't in the mood to be serious. I promised Mr Byrne I'd try, but I wasn't up to it today. I'd had the shittest day yesterday and today I had to be here. I kept telling myself, it's better than home. All I wanted, was to go for a walk. I sat down, but I noticed Jules was staring at me. She wasn't very popular, she only had Helen who was her best mate. She was stunning though, she was also really intelligent. I wondered why she staring at me like that, she also had a massive smile across her face. Weird.

We had to make a world inside of a box, but today was about designing it on paper. I wanted mine to be how I wanted my future to be. I wanted to put a Ferrari in it, a nice big house with a pool and I'd make a mini Sonia; along with a mini me of course. The lesson went pretty quickly, probably because I enjoyed it. I handed my work to Mrs Day and left the room. I stood in the corridor wondering what to do for break, Mark wasn't here.
I was about to walk off, when I heard a faint voice.
"Lorraine, um hey" it was Jules, she was behind me. I turned around.
"Oh hey, you ok?" I felt a little awkward as I had never really spoken to her, yet I found her extremely attractive.
"Yeah I'm fine. I wondered if you wanted to hang?" I wasn't going to push her away, I felt like I should, she was a nice girl.
We then ended up sitting on the field at the back of the school. She didn't smoke, so I was trying not to blow any smoke her way.
"I can't believe we've never hung out before" I couldn't believe it either, Jules had said exactly what I was thinking.
"I know, you're alright you are" I said, she went a little red. Did she like me?
"Fuck, I can't be dealing with this stupid school today" I was confiding in her, I couldn't stand being here. I should have stayed with Sonia at home, but I thought I'd be a good girl for a change.
"Well, we could skip it. The whole day and just go for a walk around this boring place" Her words felt like a weight being lifted, I wanted to. I had the thought of Mr Byrne's words in my head and how he'd be disappointed, but I needed out. I needed to have fun.
"Let's do it" I giggled and we ran off of school premisses. It was break, so it was easy to run out of the gates without being noticed; too many pupils scattered around. We ran up the street, getting away from the area, just in case someone saw us.
"Hahaha oh my fuck Lorraine!" We were both laughing and nudging each other. It was fun to hang with a girl for a change, I didn't really do that. I did hang around with Sonia all the time, but it was different, she's my sister.
"What do you wanna do?" I asked.
"Anything" she shrugged her shoulders at me.
"Park?" There was a park not far from our school, it was way better than the one near my house.
"Sure" shrugging her shoulders again.
Five minutes it took to walk to the park and it was empty. Children were obviously at school, where we should be.
"Lorraine, can I ask you something?" As long as it wasn't too personal, I didn't mind.
"Yeeeees, I'm scared" I side looked at her, being on the opposite swing.
"Have you ever liked a girl. I mean like, like. Like having a boyfriend, but instead, a girlfriend" Blimey, this was me all the time, I loved girls.
"Why?" I didn't want to say yes I do, because she might not be the same.
"I wondered, as you look at Mrs Langly like you fancy her. Maybe I'm wrong" I just put my head down to the floor, wishing she'd think she had gotten it wrong.
"I mean, if you do. I feel the same" I then looked at her, her words lifting my head to make eye contact.
"You like girls?" I said outright.
"Well, I'm not sure. I look at guys and think, he's hot, but I look at girls and think they're hot too. I'm confused about how I feel" Wow, who'd have thought Jules was bi-curious or bisexual. Come to think of it though, she was a bit tom boyish. She had the long hair, she painted her nails, but she did wear guy clothes at times. I'd seen her out and about. Ok, she wasn't boyish, she was alternative. Her hair jet black and she had her nose pierced, there were rumours that her ex had done it.
"Well, are you sure you like girls?" Still I needed to know for sure, I didn't want people to find out how I felt.
"Well, I find you hot" she laughed, trying to shrug her words off like they meant so little. I lost eye contact with her, then I thought fuck it.
"Well, I do fancy the pants off of Debbie Harry" I laughed, it was true.
"She's stunning! What about Joan Jett?" I couldn't believe I was actually discussing girls with someone.
"Fuck, yes she's hot!" I felt at ease with telling her, she felt the same way, so the fear had disintegrated.
After being on the swings, we decided to walk around the area. It was so cold, I had barely anything on and some of the ground was icy. I wanted a warm home to go back to, the thought of going back to a cold empty one was horrible. I also didn't know whether to show for my night class, I really didn't have the energy to.
"Hey Lorraine, if I call my mum and ask her if it's ok, do you wanna come for tea?" Tea in a warm home, food!
"Are you sure?" I didn't want to intrude.
"You'll keep me company and I want to get to know you more. I've enjoyed hanging out" Me too, I was really enjoying her company. She was different to the other girls in my year, she had ambitions. She'd spent some time, telling me about how she wanted to be a lawyer. I believed she could achieve it too, she was always getting top marks in everything.
"Mum said yes" She said, then she linked my arm.
"She said she would pick us up after school" I then thought, fuck! We have to go back there, it would have been obvious that we were gone by now. I'm surprised they hadn't sent out a search team, as it was out of character for Jules.
"What's the time?" I asked Jules, she had a watch on.
"It's only 1" we had ages till we needed to go back.
"I have no idea what to do!" I wanted to pull out my hair, I was that cold and frustrated.
"There's a cafe I know. Hot chocolate, my treat" Jules was really sweet too, unlike me. I was a lost soul.

We arrived at this nice cafe called The Winterberry. I thought it was a lovely name, for a cafe anyway. We sat right at the back, no one could see us, well it wasn't packed.
"I will go and get us both hot chocolates" I nodded and watched her go towards the counter. I was scared, I'd never been with a girl before. I mean, what if she wanted to kiss me or something, what would I do. The sex! I was worrying over every little detail. She hadn't even suggested kissing or anything, or, oh fuck. I needed to calm down, there was nothing to worry about. I was too irrational at times.
"Here" She was back and passed me a hot chocolate. It had whipped cream and marshmallows on top. I was going to enjoy this, I hadn't had one in forever.
"So, when did you first know? How you felt about girls" I could have told her endless stories, but an age would be fine.
"I have always liked girls, ever since I can remember. I was about 13. How about you?" She asked me, so I asked her.
"It's been recently, like maybe 15. I've liked you for a long time. I never had the guts to say anything to your face, I wasn't even sure you liked girls. I like boys too though, it's weird. I don't know" She nervously laughed, but all I got out of that was, 'I've liked you for a long time' how long, was long.
"I'm glad you did. Ask me here that is" I smiled. I felt like a wolly, explaining that's what I meant. I was a little nervous, she was really pretty and it was only now I realised how pretty she was.
"So you like Debby Harry and you like Joan Jett. A Rock fan by any chance?" I was definitely a Rock music fan, it was my drown out music.
"Yes and yourself?" If she knew who Joan Jett and Debby were, then surely she's a rock fan.
"A bit of everything, but rock comes first" Yes! Someone who had the same taste in music as me. Mark liked Pop, he used to joke around with me, playing it to annoy me.
"Who's your favourite?" Jules asked me.
"Guns And Roses hands down" I answered.
"No way?! I love them!" Finally, someone who got the genre.
We sat drinking and giggling, we had loads in common. I was glad she had substance to her, I found it hard to talk to a lot of girls and had more male friends. She was different and edgy, I liked that. I honestly thought she was a goody two shoes, till now. Leaving school in the middle of the day, was daring and exciting. We spent ages talking, she even grabbed my hand a few times. I went a little hot when she touched me, even though it was only a stroke. In that moment I knew I was gay, boys never made me feel like that.

"Shit, it's 3!" She'd just looked at her watch and nearly screamed.
"Fuck, we better go" I said.
We literally ran all the way back to school, although we stood at the gates. We didn't want anyone to see us, we didn't want to get into trouble.
"There's my mum!" Jules shouted, she then ran towards her mum's and made a hand gesture for me to follow. I got in the car and her mum was really welcoming.
"You must be Lorraine. Please to meet you" blimey, her mum was posh. Jules didn't have the same accent as her, I found that weird.
"Jules has mentioned you before a few times. Is mash, sausages and gravy ok?" Jules blushed, her mum embarrassing her.
"That's fine thank you" I didn't really care what we had, as long as it was food. I was really hungry.

Jules didn't live far from school, so it was weird her mum even came to pick her up. I lived half an hour away and walked, but she lived five minutes away and got a lift. We arrived at a small house, it was dainty and pretty.
"Nice place" I said to Jules.
"It's ok, I guess" I swear she had a thing for shrugging her shoulders, that's all she seemed to do. I'd never noticed it before.
I walked in after Jules, her mum came after me. There was a hallway as soon as you got through the door and the living room was to the right. It was all open plan, so the kitchen didn't have a door, it was one big room. It was nice, although the decor was old. If I had my way, everything would be modern. I do like vintage though, but this house wasn't vintage; it was ancient.

"Tea will be ready soon" Jules' dad shouted to us. We had been sitting in Jules' bedroom for a while now, just drawing. It was really nice, Jules was really good at art. I was thinking, stuff being a lawyer, be an artist.
"That's amazing!" She said to me. Pinching my piece of paper off of me, I'd only drawn a rose.
"Mine is not amazing, lemme see yours" I wanted to see what her masterpiece looked like. Jules turned her paper round.
"It's you" she smiled. The picture was amazing, I'd never seen such a good portrait. I didn't mean it in a vain way, but it really did look like me.
"Wow, that's amazing" I couldn't believe it.
"Keep it, it's yours" I tried refusing, but she wouldn't take no for an answer.
"Tea's ready!" Her dad shouted at us again.
"We better go" I listened to Jules and we were downstairs in two ticks.
We all sat round a dining table, because the room was open plan, there was enough space to put one.
"I hope you enjoy Lorraine" I was going to enjoy every second, I was so thankful to Jules' mum.
"It's lovely. Thank you Mrs Willard" I then thought to myself, Jules' last name was Willard; Jules Willard. I liked her name.
"So how long have you been hanging, as the kids would say" I laughed at Mrs Willard's words, Jules sunk in her chair.
"Not long" I replied. I was a little nervous, being around a family. Jules had a brother, but he wasn't here. Thank goodness, as her brother was Steven. I couldn't believe I'd been his girlfriend and never thought to hang out with Jules. Steven was so different, he was an arse hole compared to everyone sitting around the table. Steven wasn't the brightest tool in the box, but Jules was. They were total opposites. He'd even ignore Jules at school, I thought brothers were supposed to look out for their sisters. Even though I'd been going out with Steven, his mum was oblivious to it. I thought she knew who I was, but Steven was the type to never tell his parents anything.
"I wonder where Steven is?" Mrs Willard said, me and Jules just looked at each other awkwardly. Everyone had finished tea and Jules wanted me to go up to her bedroom again.
"Jules! Lorraine will have to go soon, you have homework" I could imagine her mum being the type to ground Jules, if she'd been five minutes late for school.
"Sorry about that, I could spend all day with you" Her words were sweet and made me kind of happy.
"So, what do you want to do?" I asked her, as I felt like a numpty. We were sitting there in silence on her bed, I wanted something to happen. Maybe we could draw again, anything!
"Music? I can put some Blondie on?" Yes! Blondie, Debby, anything to break the silence.
"Nice, I mean, yes" fuck I was messing up my words now. We still sat there like lemons, sitting not doing anything.
"I. I um, really like you Lorraine" I liked her too, she was pretty, but I didn't feel any connection to her. She was the only girl, who was probably going to be the only one I'd be able to kiss. Everyone else was either straight or closeted. I know it sounded harsh, but I wanted to kiss her for the experience. I'd never done anything with a girl before, as I knew no one who wanted to. Two seconds later and she leant in to kiss me, my heart was beating so fast. I responded after hesitating and we kissed. It felt great, it felt way better than kissing Steven. I was enjoying it, my hands then went to her leg. I was doing it, without knowing. I went further up, she placed a hand on my neck. We were both relaxing and getting into it. Then the worst thing happened, her mum walked in. She said the music was too loud, but caught us kissing.
"Jules! What, the?" She grabbed Jules and pushed her out of the room, forcing her to go downstairs.
"Get out, get out. You disgusting, disgusting, thing! Turning my daughter into a dyke!" Mrs Willard grabbed my arm and dragged me downstairs.
"Give me your mother's number!" I couldn't take what she was saying, I couldn't take it in. I felt dizzy, knowing my secret could be shared. I gave her my mum's number, I didn't have a choice. Tears flowed down my cheeks, I was blinded by them.
"Leave, get out of my house. You don't ever go near my daughter again, you hear me?" I heard her alright, she was shouting loudly. I left Jules' house, Jules didn't even say anything. She didn't even defend me, I bet she was going to put it all on me; just so her secret wouldn't get out. I could see it, she would probably tell her mum I made her do it. I walked down the road, I didn't really know my way. I knew the school was near, if I made it there, then I could walk home.

I walked all the way home, it was dark and cold. I walked slowly, thinking about what had just happened. I was still crying too, welling up at the way her mum spoke to me. It was probably true, I was disgusting and shouldn't be allowed near other humans. That's how I felt, that's how she made me feel. I'd arrived home, all the lights were on and I was scared to go in. I wiped my own tears with my hand and walked through the front door, it always being unlocked.
"You!" Mum screamed and grabbed me, pulling me into the living room.
"You see this Sonia, this is a lesbian! A disgusting little lesbian, who wants to go around fucking girls" I had wiped my tears, but more were coming. Mum hated me, she was drunk, but could still call me all of that. I wanted to run to my bedroom, but she had hold of my arm.
"Look at her Sonia! Isn't she disgusting Sonia?!" Sonia was crying, she didn't want to say anything, she just sobbed.
"She kissed me too, it wasn't just me!" I shouted at her, I shouted loud an clearly at my mum and her face screwed up. She slapped me, the first time she had done something like that. My face stung, the pain.
"Piss off upstairs you vile girl. Don't even speak to me again" Her words made my heart ache, but I did what I was told and went to my bedroom. I was glad she sent me there, it was the only place in the house I liked. Sonia followed me up, I could still hear her crying. I threw myself on my bed, screaming into the pillow, kicking at the air.
"Lorraine!" It was Sonia.
"Stop, please" I then went still, stiff and didn't move a muscle.
"Lo?" Sonia said my name, placing a hand on my back. I thought she would hate me, mum made her whiteness all of that. I put my head up, Sonia was standing over me, waiting for me to respond.
"Lo, are you alright?" I wanted to say no, not after I had just been slapped.
"I'm fine Son" I got up and sat up. Sonia then sat next to me, I didn't even know what to say. All of my fears were coming true, everyone was going to hate me. Everyone would probably know at school tomorrow and I couldn't handle it. I was going to be seen as a freak, I just hoped Jules' mum wouldn't tell anyone. I hoped Jules wouldn't say anything. Steven would spread it everywhere, especially knowing why his ex girlfriend was so frigid with him. I wasn't going to sleep, I had so many worries on my mind. What if and would this happen? I feared society and how cruel it could be. Then I kept thinking, why do I have to be gay, why me?! I hated myself. There was a long silence. Me and Sonia had said nothing to each other, we just sat there quietly, but then the silence broke.
"Lo. I don't think you're disgusting, I think you're wonderful" Sonia looked at me smiling, her cheeky grin visible from ear to ear. Her words. Sonia then grabbed my hand and held it tightly, I didn't care in that moment about anything; it was me and her against the world.