"She hit you?!" Nikki seemed like she was seething with anger, but it happened years ago.
"Yes, she hit me. Don't get angry over it, it's fine" I could see her face change with my words.
"Lorraine it's never ok for a parent to hit their child and it's disgusting what she said to you. So, I take it she's never liked you being gay?" My mum didn't just hit me that awful night, she ruined my confidence. I was coming round to the idea, until people saw me as disgusting. Maybe that's why I'm so worried if people know about me, because of my mother's words.
"Look, Nikki it's in the past. She didn't like it, she's never liked it. We made up at one point and we were kind of close. Friend close, not mother and daughter close. She actually thought I'd changed my mind and it was all a phase I was going through. One night we sat down to watch TV together, Sonia was out. The subject of marriage came up and she was asking when I was going to get hitched. She then started talking about men and how she knew this handsome guy, how he'd love to go on a date with me. I couldn't believe that after all those years, she still longed for me to be straight. I then told her bluntly; I said, I like women and she snapped. We argued, then she walked out of the house leaving me alone. I didn't speak to her again; then she became ill. I pay the bills, but I never go to the care home. I went once, I've only ever been once and I cried. Even though I resent her and she hated who I am, I still care about her. Sonia stayed in contact with my mum, but I lost it. Sonia updates me on how she is and when it's her birthday, but I can never deal with it. When I see her face, I see what she was. I see the monster she turned herself into, I see the mother who hated her gay daughter. I, I just can't" I stopped, after saying all of that and broke down. It was a lot to tell Nikki, it was draining. I could feel the energy slowly leaking from my body.
"Shit Lorraine" Nikki's eyes were wide and sympathy filled her face. I wanted to sleep and forget. I wanted forget the reason I'm like this, the reason I can be such a heartless bitch. I wanted to apologise to every one of them, every person I'd ever offended. I knew deep down, even if I apologised, I'd still be the same old Lorraine.
"Can I have a hug?" I asked Nikki, she looked at me like I was a dope.
"Lorraine!" She didn't need to say anymore, I knew I was a dope. I held on tightly to Nikki, scraping at her top. I dug my nails into her covered back, I just wanted her to hold me. No one had ever really held me, not like Nikki. I love her so much, she was everything to me.
"I really love you Nikki" I lifted my head, crying. This weekend was becoming a stressful event and an event that made me face my fears. I was falling deeper in love with Nikki every single day and I don't think she realises how much I actually do love her.
"Lorraine, I love you too. I'd do anything for you. I could see myself, even marrying you. I want you to be in my life, now and; forever" I was wrong, she knew how much I loved her, she was making it clear how much she loved me. I then felt like I was in some sort of soppy movie, I can only take too much cheese.
"Fuck, we are sad" I couldn't help, but say something like that. I felt all mushy and was a little embarrassed by my feelings, by the way I was acting. I'd never been like this with anyone, even Brooklyn.
"You'd shit on a flower if you could" Nikki made me laugh, who says things like that, oh yeah, she does.
"Ew, that's disgusting. Shit on a flower, that's the best you could come up with?!" I wondered how her brain worked at times, it didn't have a filter, that was for sure. It was getting late and me, plus Nikki were awake. It was nice, we both sat in bed with Buddy drinking sweet tea. I loved how we could do anything and there wasn't anyone to stop us. It was a big difference from being at Nikki's parents. Here, I could do what I liked and I could say what I liked. We were only staying here two nights, we would soon be going back to Waterloo Road. I was excited and nervous, I liked working and was looking forward to getting back behind the reins, but I was going to give the school to the council. I wouldn't need to be at Waterloo anymore. I like being there though, I like seeing the kids faces and Nikki's too. They were all just a walk down the corridor. I was going to miss the place, it was like a home.
"It's midnight" Nikki said, curling up to me.
"Getting late" it was and I was tired. I think I was overtired, as I couldn't get comfortable.
"You ok?" Nikki asked, she pulled my hair out of my face.
"I'm tired, but I can't get comfortable to sleep" Half my problems were not enough sleep, probably why I was snappy. I was once compared to a Pomeranian, seriously! They said to me, you're pretty, but you have a snap on you; Pomeranian like. I think it was an old work colleague, old being the operative word. I laid in Nikki's arms, turning the light off before I laid my head. She was behind me and had her arm around my waist, it was really nice. I liked sex, but having someone to sleep with all cosy in bed, was really something.
I woke to the smell of coffee floating up my nostrils, Nikki had been up making breakfast. Something smelt nice, I needed to go and investigate. I got up out of bed, I put my dressing gown on and left the bedroom. I entered the kitchen, Nikki standing over the hobbs of the oven.
"Something smells amazing" I said.
"Hey gorgeous. I thought I'd cook us something, there's a shop around the corner, so I bought some things. Coffee?" Yes please Nikki, her saying coffee made my eyes light up.
"Here, how does a healthy fry up sound? Well semi healthy" She laughed at her own words.
"Sounds amazing" I smiled and went over to kiss her.
"That was nice, you mind doing that again?" Nikki asking for another kiss, I guess I was just going to have to. I loved the mornings with Nikki, having someone to wake up to. I liked the fact I wasn't alone and she would always be there, although the time was coming for me to leave Waterloo. I would miss bumping into Nikki down the corridor, although we were planning on living together. I would see her everyday. I reassured myself, that leaving was the next chapter in my life, a new and fresh beginning. This time the new beginning would include Nikki and I was looking forward to that.
"Hey, so. We have scrambled eggs, Quorn sausages, bacon, toast, baked tomatoes, I even made potato cakes and I bought orange juice, apple juice and grape. Oh and I thought after this, we'd have fresh fruit and yoghurt, which has been prepared by yours truly" wow Nikki had really made an effort, maybe to impress, but probably to spoil me. She didn't need to go through all this trouble, but it was so sweet.
"You done all this for me?" I asked.
"Well, I'm eating too Lorraine" Nikki laughed, I rolled my eyes at her.
"Will be done in like ten, if you don't mind waiting" who was I to complain, she was like my own little chef.
"No, no, carry on. I can't wait Miss Boston" I winked at her, using our formal names, was becoming a habit for the both of us. Whenever she said Miss Donnegan, I always got the urge to take her to bed. There was something about the way she said it, like she was being seductive and flirty.
"How's the coffee? I made it in the cafetiere" Now her words made sense, I wondered why it tasted different. It tasted nicer than those stupid jarred coffees.
"It's lovely, thank you" I couldn't believe, the amount of effort she'd put into this whole breakfast. It was only9:30 am, I usually get up early as my body clock is used to it. Even if I set my alarm for 9, I'd then wake at around 8:50. The body is an amazing and unusual thing at times.
"It's ready!" Nikki called over from the kitchen, it really smelt amazing. I came over, as there was a breakfast bar, so me and Nikki sat there together.
"This is amazing Nikki. You need to cook more often" I was hinting at the fact I wanted her to cook for me.
"Oh, yeah? Well, maybe Miss Donnegan.. If you're a good girl for me. Can you cook?" If I've been a good girl? I couldn't help but, laugh.
"I don't know if I can be a good girl all the time, that's pushing it. I can't cook, well I can, but not complicated things. I can cook a mean spag bol" Did I really just say spag bol?! I couldn't cook much, I didn't really do it. I liked going out to expensive restaurants, because I was alone most of the time and I hated staying in the house by myself.
"Why don't you cook it for us sometime? I'd love to taste it. Oh, I don't mind you being naughty sometimes, as long as it's with your clothes off" Shit, Nikki's words, why did she have a way with them. A way, that always turned on me on.
"Yeah. Yeah, maybe I will make it. I think that's the only time I'd ever be naughty; with my clothes off" I was laughing at my own words. Were we really talking about this and were we really talking like this?
"Make it for me when we're home. I wanted to ask you something too. Are we going back to your roots today?" Here she goes again, I wanted to run away.
"Yeah I will cook when we are home. I don't mind, it's up to you" I couldn't make a decision, I left that to Nikki. I thought maybe if it was someone else's idea, I might be ok with the idea of going back. I was making all of that shit up, I didn't want to go. Well, I did and I didn't.
"We should, it might be good for you and I really want to see where you grew up" Nikki's smile was so sweet, I couldn't refuse. I then thought, what have I got to lose.
"Finished?" I was more than finished, I felt like a puffer fish. I felt bloated and full to the brim.
"Yes, more than done. Can you roll me to the bedroom?" I joked, I was that full, I felt like I was going to be sick.
"Oh, ha ha, very funny. You should get ready, if we're going to your old neighbourhood" Well at least she saw the funny side of my unfunny joke, kind of.
I didn't know what I wanted to wear. I had the new clothes I'd bought in Bradford, but I was going to go back to my usual clothing. I think the clothing goes with the front I put up, like it protects me from feeling. I don't know, maybe I'm just crazy.
I put on a yellow and black top, it had a lovely pattern on it and it was short sleeved, like a T-shirt. I also put a leather pencil skirt on, tucking the top inside of it. My legs were bare and I put some killer black heels on. I curled my hair, but only loose curls. Makeup on. I was ready. Nikki was ready way before me, she didn't have to do anything, she was perfect. I admired how she didn't really wear makeup and didn't wear dresses or skirts, but she still looked fucking amazing; always.
"So, you ready then?" She said it, as though I'd taken ages, hours. I wasn't that long, it didn't seem that long.
"Yep, I even applied my makeup in record time" I grinned.
"Record time? Lorraine, I could have done that in ten seconds" Her words were making me self conscious, was my makeup bad? I was checking myself in the mirror one last time, just to make sure I looked ok.
"Lorraine. You look gorgeous, you look impeccable" Ok, so she wasn't saying anything bad about my makeup, which was a relief. I didn't have any confidence in the way I looked, well I didn't really have any confidence. I seemed like I did, like I had way too much confidence, but that's what you call; pretending.
"Ok, so I'll drive. I know where it is" I said as we left the apartment.
"Yeah, sure" Nikki looked so perfect in one of her famous blazers. It was a biscuit colour and she had a green top underneath it, her jeans were tight to her legs. She was wearing her black coat she always wore and a scarf. Her smile completed the look.
"How far is it from here?" She asked.
"Not far, around 26 minutes" I was being precise, it wasn't that far, but I usually got frustrated with driving.
I grew up in Islington, which is a district of North London. It wasn't far from Hyde Park. Well it was around 30 minutes from Hyde Park to Islington high street. I went to Regent High School, which is about ten minutes from Islington High Street, in a car. It takes half an hour walking, me and Sonia had to walk it everyday. We lived on Ringcroft Street. The houses were nice, but the inside of ours wasn't. Our old neighbour who Sonia helped, had a lovely home. It was the same layout as ours, but it was incredibly beautiful. I used to wish I lived there and not at mine.
"So it's really not too far then?" Nikki asked.
"Nope, not far" I replied. We were now driving and it didn't take us long to arrive at my old street.
"Wow, these houses are lovely" they were, I agreed with Nikki, but seeing them all, brought back nasty memories.
"Yeah, they are lovely. They're big inside too" They looked smaller on the outside, but they were nicely sized inside.
"So, which one used to be yours?" We were actually standing right in front of it, everything looked the same.
"It's this one" I pointed to the house we were in front of, it had a bright red door, even that was the same. The front yard was a little different and of course the inside was. I hated this house, the way I used to enter and get a feeling of sadness. Mum wasn't ever happy and it affected the whole feeling of the house.
"It's lovely Lorraine" Nikki was seeing how it is now, not how it was when I lived there; a tip.
"It's ok I guess" I replied with a hint of, no it was shit.
"So, was it nice living here?" Did Nikki really have to ask that, I didn't want to explain. I hated living there, my only escape was learning and getting to where I am now.
"It was a shit hole" I put it bluntly, I didn't want to cut any corners and I was getting angry. Not at Nikki, at the fact my brain threw in some bad memories for me to dwell on. I fucking hated every moment in that house, the way the front door creaked as strange men walked in. The way, I saw my mum's eyes roll around in her head, because she had a few too many. Sonia being rejected, but me being her favourite to mock. It was creeping up on me, all those old feelings of dread.
"Can we go now? You've seen it" My anger was coming through to the tone of my voice and Nikki looked at the floor, like I was having a go at her or something. I wasn't, I was just getting frustrated with my own feelings; finding it hard to suppress them.
"Yeah, yeah, if you want" She sounded disappointed that I wanted to leave, the fact we didn't spend as long as she had wanted to.
"Nikki, I'm not mad at you for wanting to come. Is my bad past your fault? No. I can't help, but get a sense of uneasiness when I see this place. I haven't been back for years and I don't like remembering; it hurts" All i could do, was be honest with her.
"I get that Lorraine, but wasn't there something you liked about living here?" Nikki asking, getting frustrated with me.
"No actually, there wasn't anything. Oh the fact me and my sister spent a lot of time together, because I was basically a mum to her! The fact my room was the best place on earth to me when I was 16, but because it was the nicest room in the house. Oh what about having wallpaper that was better than watching TV, because the wallpaper fell off the walls and the fucking TV was off limits to me?! Are they good enough reasons to love this place?" I was nearly pulling my hair out, I couldn't stand, that she didn't understand.
"Ok Lorraine, calm the fuck down. I asked you a question, a sincere question. Let's just go" Nikki didn't know, that the worst thing you could say to a girl.. was; calm down.
"Yeah, let's go" I didn't know where the fuck we were going to go, but it was better than standing in front of this shit hole. I found it weird, even though it did look a lot nicer, I still saw it as the place I used to know.
There was silence, it was awkward and I was driving. I had no clue where to go, where to drive to and I was pissed off!
"Lorraine, we've passed here three times now and this is your old neighbourhood" Shut up Nikki, I was getting annoyed at everything. I was even annoyed at my own eyelashes, y'know, the way they bat...
"OH FOR FUCK SAKE!" I slammed the breaks down, luckily it was a quiet street, so there weren't any cars behind me. I could have caused an accident for sure.
"Jesus Lorraine, what the fuck!" My anger was rubbing off onto Nikki, no! It was the fact I had just stopped abruptly, in the middle of the fucking road.
"What the fuck are you doing? You've completely lost your mind! Drive!" Swearing at me, wasn't going to get us anywhere.
"Don't say that! Don't say I've lost my mind!" I said that and then I broke down and cried. My feelings were becoming overwhelming and I couldn't control them. I hated not being in control, it wasn't something I was good at.
"Lorraine, shit. Look, just drive us somewhere safe and then we can just sit" I done what she suggested and drove. It was weird and difficult to drive through tears, I should have asked Nikki to drive, would have been safer; oh well. Without knowing, we ended up at my old high school. I must have subconsciously done it, how unusual.
"Where are we?" Nikki then asked.
"This, is my old school" I gripped the steering wheel as I said those words. Yet again we were going down memory lane, I couldn't wait till it was over.
"Oh, are you ok?" Couldn't she see my tears?
"Am I ok? I really wanted to face my fears for you and me, to show you my background. I wanted to let you into my world, but I'm finding it really hard. No one has ever been here before, I don't even come here myself, I try to erase it. I don't like this place, it's where everything started, all the shit" I really couldn't be here, all my muscles were tensing.
"All the shit began? How do you mean?" Nikki being inquisitive.
"Fine, please don't tell anyone else" I was pleading with her, I don't blurt my problems out to, well, anyone.
"Lorraine" Nikki then paused.
"You can trust me" She looked me in the eye and I began.
"Ever since I turned 15-16, things went bad. It was like something just clicked in the world. Mum was getting worse, I had to look after Sonia more. I was trying to keep up with night classes and getting good grades. I had some trouble at school, with a certain girl and it was all getting on top of me. I'm not saying it all started then, I'm trying to say later on in life it affected me. I was young, around 20 something and I'd just celebrated my birthday, when I felt different. I suddenly saw the world differently. I woke up in sweats, I used to collapse on the floor. There were times, I actually thought the rain and wind would kill me. I used to wake and have to force myself to work, to even get dressed. I plummeted and I only saw the doctor when Sonia persuaded me. She knew, she saw how I deteriorated. I used to call her in the middle of the night panicking, because I thought my food was going to poison me. It's fucked up. The doctor gave me pills, I refused to take them. I'm not as bad as I was, but I have days where I'm not myself, especially if I have high stress levels and if I don't get a lot of sleep. I have generalised anxiety and severe depression. I sometimes think about how everyone would be better off without me, I can't control any of my thoughts at times. That's probably why I like being my own boss, I like being in control of everything and not being able to control myself, is annoying. I actually find it hard handling everyday life, but I force myself to. I can be, overwhelming, I can come across as a bitch, but really; I'm a scared 16 year old girl still" I was going deep, deep into somewhere I'd never been with a human being before.
"Lorraine, why didn't you tell me this. We could have avoided many situations, that cause you to act differently. I know what it's like to panic, believe me. When I first started Work at Waterloo Road, I was bad and then became used to my surroundings. I still have moments. I wish you told me, obviously I knew there was something. I just didn't know it was that serious. Have you ever considered taking medication?" At least she wasn't having a go at me, but bringing up medication was irritating. I didn't listen to a doctor, not even Sonia, so why would I listen to her?
"Look, I'm ok. I take it day by day and I know I get bad, but I would rather get better with my own willpower" I felt like I should be standing on top of a mountain, holding a spear.
"Lorraine, that's the thing. You've spent so many years trying to get better, but you're still saying you need to get better. Sometimes you need help elsewhere, sometimes you need something to take the edge off" I got what Nikki was saying, but I was stubborn and determined.
"I understand where you're coming from, but I will be ok. Ok?" What else could I say? I was trying to convince her, that I'm fine.
"Ok Lorraine, but just consider it. Yeah?" She asked.
"Sure" I said and I decided to get out of the car. Nikki followed me, we both leant on the car, our backs facing it.
"This was a good school, I first met Michael here. He was the best teacher in this place, he made me listen and stand up. I owe everything to him" I stared at the school, reminiscing, this time the memories being good. I finally felt at ease with being here, it felt kind of nice.
"Isn't it weird, knowing Michael now? As a head teacher at Waterloo?" I had a feeling that question was going to arise.
"Not really. You get used to the same company. He hasn't changed one bit. Including the fact he still sees me as a difficult kid, that needs guidance. He doesn't agree with my decisions at all. I can't remember him being that against me when I was 16 though. I joke of course" I smiled at Nikki, she was laughing slightly.
"He's a good man Lorraine. I'm glad you're giving the school to the council" Her smile meant the world to me, as I said, you're doing the right thing; for the kids. We stood outside the school for quite a long time. I think I needed to come back, maybe the feelings I got seeing this place, were good ones, even if they did feel bad.