I woke. I must have fallen asleep, my face was stuck to Sonia's arm. I peeled it off, by lifting my head. I rarely had a bath, there being no hot water and all. I was in my school clothes, Sonia was in her pj's. She looked so peaceful. I noticed me and her sleeping in the same bed, was becoming a habit. I then remembered the previous night, the reason my eyes felt puffy. I'd been crying, because I got caught and my secret would probably be out. I was scared, but if I didn't go to school, mum would shout at me. I also needed to do well, I needed out. I wanted to run away from here, as far as I could get. For a moment I was planning my escape, how me and Sonia could find a hotel and stay there. I would steal all of mum's money and treat me and Sonia, to a feast at the poshest restaurant. It felt good to imagine, but bad, when I came back to reality.

Me and Sonia got ourselves ready for the day, I was tempted to leave her here again. She looked so peaceful and I always never wanted to wake her. Maybe I wanted her to be in dream world for ages, not wanting her to come down to the level I woke to. No breakfast again, it was the same nearly every morning. We walked to school without any hiccups, I was walking slower than normal. The later I got there, the sooner I'd get home I thought. That was weird, me wanting to go home, first time for everything. What if people knew? I couldn't take having everyone against me, not when school was my escape from mum. We arrived, the building looking taller than normal, it was daunting.
"Come on sis, I don't wanna be late" Sonia's sweet cockney accent coming through, the way she said it, the way she was eager to learn. I couldn't have wished for a better sister.
"I'm coming!" I called, running after her. I was now standing inside, my hands beginning to sweat. My palms felt sticky and my collar was choking me. There were students all around, yet nothing seemed out of the ordinary. I then made my way to Mark, he was standing at his locker.
"Hey Lo" He seemed normal.
"Has anyone said anything?" I asked.
"Haha, like what Lo?" He seemed confused, nervously laughing.
"Like anything about anyone we know" I was trying to be cool, keep my calm.
"No and you know I'd be the first to know. Why?" It was true, his words were. He always knew the latest gossip, that's why I liked him. We always had something to talk about, whether it was who slept with who, or what was for lunch.
"No reason" I smiled, then quickly changed the subject.
"So, have a good night?"
"Lo, what's wrong with you? You never really ask that" Oh shit, had I been rumbled?
"What's gotten into you?" He asked.
"No sleep" I lied. I had a rough night, but must have cried myself to sleep and I slept all the way through.
I made my way to my first lesson, I walked in. There sat Jules, she looked at me and then looked down at the table. She hadn't said anything, maybe she was ashamed by the fact she kissed me. We both enjoyed it, it wasn't a one way thing, but her mum thought it was all my fault. I was seen as a monster by my own mother, Sonia knew, but she was completely fine with it. I thought she would have been different, maybe more like my mum. The thoughts of what had happened drifted out of my head, I felt relieved no one knew and I wanted to concentrate on getting myself together. It wasn't long till my birthday, I would be 16 and the year would be gone before you knew it. Exams were going to take place at the end of the year and I needed to better myself, to get good grades. I was shitting it, also the pressure of having to constantly look after Sonia was getting to me. Mum was always doing something, some days she wouldn't turn up for work, but they kept her on as she knew her boss. Personally, I think she knew the boss too well. She would stay at home, just to drink. There wasn't a day where she didn't drink, she was an alcoholic, but not everyday she got completely smashed. I can't remember when she was normal, like a normal mum. Sonia pretends she's like the old mum, but she's changed too much. I wasn't one to fantasise, I saw life how it was and I knew mum would be like that for a long time to come. I was then back in the room, with all the pupils and the teacher. I was excited about going to my night class with Mr Byrne, at least he cared about me.

The day dragged on, the way the bell rang done my head in and I was soon out of the building. I told Sonia to go straight home and wait for me. Mr Byrne had told me to be back at school for five, I had ages till then. I decided I'd go for a walk, they kept me sane. I wanted to be alone, hence the fact I told Sonia to go home. Being out of the house was good for me, other than Mark, I didn't really have friends. No one would cross me though, they knew I was tough. I suppose I preferred my own company. It's funny how I like my own company, but I hate being alone. It's like being alone brings up all my unwanted feelings, but being alone helps me. It's weird. I can't explain it. I was wondering around and saw a small graveyard, it was full of old, old graves. There was a small church too, it was pretty. The weather was cold again, it had been snowing again and had laid a little. I found my gloves and scarf from ages ago in my locker this morning, which was lucky. I remembered to get them as I left school, they kept me a bit warmer. My hair was up, I usually wore it in a ponytail, not always though. For school I wore, black trousers, a white long sleeved shirt, a grey waistcoat pullover, plus a blue and black tie. I also had a jacket that I wore, it was plain black, a kind of waterproof material. I had black shoes too, I hadn't changed for ages. I rarely changed at all when it was a week day, it was disgusting I know, but we hardly ever had hot water. No shower, no cleaning, no nothing. I just didn't bother anymore. Sometimes I'd brave it and have a cold shower, but it was winter and it was freezing. The graveyard looked peaceful and pretty. The sun was out, it was blissful. I sat down on the bench, it was under a tree and somehow wasn't that wet. The snow hadn't fallen on it, so I sat down and stared into the distance. Graveyards always reminded me of my dad, when he died, mum died in a way. I stared at this one grave opposite me, it was a man's grave. The name engraved was, George Wattlington. I just looked at it, imagining what George would have been like. It made the time pass. I was hungry, I hadn't eaten all day and my belly was now rumbling. It was4:00pm and I was still sitting there, nobody was around. Just as I thought no one would come through here, someone did. It was an old woman with shopping bags in both hands and she caught sight of me.
"Hello love, what are you doin' here all alone?" Her voice was even more cockney than mine.
"I'm just waiting. I have to be somewhere at five" I had to go to my night class.
"Aren't you cold? Mind if I sit? I need a rest, carrying these bags. I'm not how I used to be" She laughed, then sat next to me. She must have been about 70, grey hair and quite a few wrinkles.
"You look freezing and pale" She said, looking at me.
"My name's Margaret, yours?" At least she took and interest.
"Lorraine. Nice to meet you" Margaret was a sweet old lady, who smelt lovely.
"Oh what a lovely name. Why aren't you running around with your friends?" I felt embarrassed to say why, but she seemed so innocent, I told her.
"I don't have many friends. I have a close friend called Mark, but I wanted to be alone. I hate going back home too, so that's why I'm out in the cold. This cemetery looked peaceful, so I decided to hang around here" She smiled at my words, like she knew how I felt.
"How do you feel about a nice cup of tea, my lovely? I only live over the road and it's awfully cold. It's just me in my big house, so there's plenty of biscuits to go around" Margaret was so nice, she seemed sincere. I found it hard to trust people, but she was warm and inviting.
"Yeah, why not. Let me carry your bags for you" I told her.
"Oh, thank you dear" She was grateful for me taking the heavy load off of her. I was thinking, what the fridge did she have in these bags. They were heavy.
"This is me" She said as she unlocked the door. Margaret was being serious, when she said it was across the road. We stepped into a lovely old house, it smelt just like she did. It was really warm inside and she even had a real fire place. Everything was old fashioned, like she'd had these things for her whole life. She probably had.
"How many sugars love?" We were now in the kitchen and I placed her bags on the worktop.
"Two please" I smiled.
"Just like me" Margaret replied.
"Where have you got to be at five then?" She was taking an interest, I was surprised she remembered I said anything about having to be somewhere.
"I have night classes. I want to get out of this town and better myself. Especially for my sister" I was telling her how I really felt, that was strange.
"That's great dear, I hope it all works out for you. You're a sweet girl and seem like you deserve success" Her words were encouraging.
"Don't just do it for your sister dear, you deserve it too" Margaret had a way of making me feel good about myself, even though she didn't even know me.
"I will, you have my word" I was kind of making a promise to a complete stranger. Margaret put the boiling hot water in the cups, steam exiting the rim. She made a lovely cuppa, one of the nicest I'd had. I even got to choose a few biscuits, it was nice. I liked her company and she told me all about her past and her husband. Her husband had died a year ago, she'd been alone ever since. She told me they never had children and how she regretted that fact.
"I would have loved to see how my life would be now, I'd probably have grandchildren and so on. I sit here everyday, without a visitor and it can get lonely sometimes" Her words made me sad, it must be horrible sitting here day in day out.
"Well, if you'd like. I could come round some days, I don't have anything to do. I usually have to wait after school for my night classes and I normally just, wander around. Although sometimes I'd have to bring my sister, if that's ok?" I asked.
"Would you dear? That would be lovely, I'd love the company. Now you know where I am, come any time you like" I listened to her words and it was then nearly five.
"Margaret, I better be off. I have night class. Well it's more of an evening class haha. Same time tomorrow?" I wanted to come round, she was really nice and I couldn't wait to tell Sonia; she'd love it.
"Ok dear, see you tomorrow. Thank you for coming round" They were her last words and I was gone.

I walked back to school, I had ten minutes to spare, so I made a roll up. Breathing in the harsh smoke, inhaling that instead of air. I flicked my fag, the ash falling to the wet ground. Most of the snow had melted, but the sky looked like it was going to snow again. I stood there for the whole ten minutes, it had gotten colder out. I walked in to the usual place me and Mr Byrne sat.
"Hello Lorraine, on the dot I see" He joked. I was on time. I was exactly on time, it was five.
"Hello Mr Byrne" I said, sitting down with a bounce to my step.
"Here you go" Instead of passing me papers and books, he passed me a sandwich.
"What's this?" I asked, confused as to why he'd gotten it for me.
"It's called a sandwich" He joked, even though he knew what I meant.
"I thought you could do with a snack before we got down to learning and I have dessert" Mr Byrne seemed really pleased with himself, it was kind of funny to see. It was also weird seeing a teacher like this, he didn't really feel like my teacher; he felt like a friend.
"Sandwich ok?" He asked.
"It's lovely, thank you" I was genuinely grateful for a sandwich. I was hungry and I'd only had a few bourbons at Margaret's.
"I thought we'd tackle physics today" Joy, just want I needed, some difficult shit I didn't know about.
"Don't worry Lorraine, we will get you at an A* level" I wasn't as convinced as he was, it was hard for me to believe in myself.
"Come on then, let's get started" Mr Byrne blurted.

The session was finally over and I was tired. I'd been all over the place today. A full day of school, Margaret's and a night class. I still had to walk home too. I hated walking back, it was horrible. The streets were empty and dark, I also had far to go.
"Lorraine, wait up!" Mr Byrne shouted.
I stopped in my tracks, about to leave.
"I can give you a lift, you don't live too far from me and it's on my way home. It'd be wrong, letting you walk home in the dark alone" Thank goodness for Mr Byrne, I didn't want to walk home, so I accepted his offer. We were driving back, it really wasn't long in a car. He put some weird music on, which sounded as if whoever wrote it, was high at the time.
"What is this?" I asked, bluntly. My tone shouting, this is a load of shit.
"It's just some music I found in a charity shop, it had an unusual name, so I bought it" I don't think he liked it either, but it was the only thing he had at that moment. Maybe he didn't want me to feel awkward.
"Here we go then" He said as we arrived at my house.
"Lorraine, before you go. If you need any support, there's teachers at school and I'm here to listen" He had good intentions, but I didn't need any help. I'd just get on with it, I knew what he meant. He was hinting at the fact my mum was a bad parent. He'd seen how she could be, well the aftermath of how she could be. He was the one who drove me and Son to the hospital after all.
"Thanks Mr Byrne" I slammed the car door shut and went inside my house, the red door shining under the street light.

I was inside and Sonia greeted me, with the biggest hug. It was like I'd been gone for days, but it was a nice feeling.
"Hey Son, you ok?" I looked at her gorgeous face.
"Yeah, I'm fine. You ok sis?" She asked.
"Not too bad. Hey, go upstairs and wait for me in my bedroom, I have something to tell you" She did as I said and ran upstairs. I walked into the living room, mum was sitting in her work clothes.
"Hey mum" I said, she looked at me.
"What do you want?" She scowled.
"I just wanted to see if you were ok" I grinned, trying to be nice.
"Am I ok? No! I have no money for drink, it's all your fucking fault. I bought some shopping today, as Sonia was moaning, 'I'm hungry'. I had to use all of my money on you two. Now I'm suffering, I do everything for you two! Leave me alone!" She shouted and threw a cushion at me. I left without hesitation, her and no drink was lethal. I couldn't believe what she'd just said, she does everything for us; yeah right! As I was climbing the stairs, I then thought no one had noticed my face. One side was slightly redder than the other, she'd hit me the previous night. Maybe they thought it was the cold, as my cheeks turn red raw in the cold. I'd only noticed the pain whilst walking to my bedroom, a slight dull feeling. I shrugged it off and walked to where Sonia was.
"Hey" I said as I walked in.
"What's the news then?! You got a girlfriend?" It was like she wanted me to have one and she was excited at the thought of me having one.
"No, not a girlfriend" I couldn't help, but laugh.
"I met someone today" She then interrupted me.
"What, a girl, who you liked?"
"Let me finish. I met a woman called Margaret, she's like 70 and she invited me round for a cup of tea. I said I'd go back tomorrow, I wondered if you wanted to come with me" Her eyes lit up, it was good news.
"Oh yeah please. Is she nice?" Her little face, I know she's only two years younger than me, but she's my baby sister.
"She's lovely and she has loads of biscuits" I told Sonia, her face lighting up even more.
"I'm excited now. She can be like our granny" I laughed at her words, I liked how she said things, the way they came out and sounded.
"Just don't call her that" I told Sonia. It would be awkward if she called her that and wrong.
"Ok, don't worry, I won't. Does she have custard creams?" That's all Sonia thought about, sweet things. She loved sweet food, she'd rather eat loads of sweets than a hot meal. Her favourite was cake though, she got her love of cake from mum. A few years ago, mum used to bake cakes and she got Sonia involved with baking. It was fun to her and she loved the end result; eating them. It made her happy. Everything changed though.
"So you want to come tomorrow?" I needed to know for sure.
"Yeah!" She shouted, even mum heard, as she shouted up for us to keep it down.
"Ok, well it will be after school" I told her.
"Lo, can I do your makeup?" Sonia wanted to put makeup on me, I didn't mind, but as long as she didn't make me look like a clown.
"Ok, but do it nicely" I'd let her do it before and it turned out horrible. I looked like I should have been in the circus. Makeup was also hard to get off sometimes, depending on which product you used and we didn't have any makeup remover.
"Ready?" Sonia called, as she skipped into my bedroom, with a whole load of makeup.
"Ready as I'll ever be" I replied. I was kind of shitting it, thank goodness only me and her were going to see her creation. I closed my eyes and let her do whatever she wanted, as long as it was nice. The foundation went on first, I think it was too dark for me, it looked a bit orange. I sat opposite her on my bed, she was trying to blend the foundation in. Her hands all over my face, she'd even put the stuff on my lips and I accidentally licked them. It tasted disgusting.
"What colour are you putting on my eyes?" I asked, as Sonia picked up one of her eyeshadow pallets.
"Don't know yet, maybe blue" Oh blimey, I was going to look bad.
"Ohhh Kay" I needed to let go sometimes, sometimes I was too tense and needed to just have fun with things. It the came to mascara time, Sonia accidentally poked me in the eye. My eye started watering like a waterfall and I needed some tissue.
"Here, I got this" Sonia came running in, looking disappointed at herself.
"I got you a piece of wet tissue and some dry tissue" At least she'd thought about it, having the best of both, was nice. I could soothe my stinging eye with the wet bit and dab the wet off with the dry bit. The watering had calmed down and I let Sonia carry on. It was now blusher time, she pulled a bright pink colour out as started applying it to my cheeks.
"There you go, a bit of colour" A bit of colour?! She was putting the whole tub on my face!
"I'm giving you a sun kissed look" I don't think she knew what 'sun kissed' was. I was going to look like, she'd thrown me into the sun! I needed to relax, but I didn't like having no control.
"Sthhhhhh, ouch" Her applying blusher hurt my cheek.
"Sorry, I forgot" it wasn't her fault, it was my mum's.
"Time for your lips" Sonia grabbed a bright red from one of her bags. Most of the makeup was mum's old makeup, she always gave Sonia stuff; especially as it was about to run out, or was years old. The bright red colour was now on my lips, I could feel some on my teeth.
"You're done!" She beamed and I was dreading looking in the mirror, I was definitely not the 'fairest of them all'. She passed me a small mirror, just big enough to see my whole face in. Oh fuck I thought, I looked ridiculous. I didn't tell her of course, I told her it was amazing.
"You made me look like a rock star" I lied.
"You look amazing sis" She was convinced I looked great, but I looked like I'd thrown loads of Dulux on me!
"It's lovely Son, you should do something like this when you're older. As a career I mean" She was passionate about it, so why not. She could do some training and Bob's your uncle.
"Yeah, maybe" Sonia's face expressed with happiness.
"No, you should. Or you could bake cakes for a living?" I suggested.
"Now you're talking! That'd be amazing. I'd have my own cake shop and I'd call it Son & Lo" She was the sweetest, I'd always noticed she looked up to me. I wanted to be a good role model to her. Don't get me wrong, she had her own mind and was setting a good example for me, but she looked up to me. I needed to succeed, to let her know anyone can do it, if they really want to.
"Hey, remember that time we made that snow man? We made it so tall and it looked so nice, but Jeremy knocked it down and you got told off for hitting him" I remembered that very day, mum had a go at me for hitting him. I did smack him hard though, but me and Sonia put so much effort into our snowman. I hated that he took away all of our hard work, we didn't even have the snowman a whole day and he got a kick out of making Sonia cry. No one hurts my little sister, especially someone as idiotic as Jeremy. Me and Sonia were talking about how he had a bruise the size of the UK for days. I still had the mirror, looking into it every so often. I glimpsed at what a state I was, but I stared into my eyes. I saw a monster, in a split second I became down in the dumps. I saw what Jules' mum saw, I saw what my mum saw. It was like I was staring through they're eyes and I was judging myself. I didn't like myself, who I was and what I was. I'm a monster, a vile monster, who likes girls too much. My smile dropped from my face and Sonia didn't even notice. The mirror got placed on the bed, I couldn't bare to look at myself any longer. Maybe I should try to change who I am, maybe that would work.