The real Lorraine

by Summer In The Rain

Lorraine is a hard nut, the kind who never shows her emotions. Find out where it all began and how her relationship with Nikki grows.

22. Chapter 22

"Shall we go then?" I was back to reality and I heard Nikki's voice.
"Yeah, I've had enough of this place" It was true, I wanted to go. I wanted to get back and lay in the bath for a few hours. Ok, not a few hours, maybe an hour. I would be alone then and I could relax, take in all that's happened today; maybe release the stress.
"Lorraine?! Hello?! Get in the car" Nikki called, I had the car keys after all and I was the one who was going to drive us back.
"I need to take Buddy for a walk when we get back" Nikki talking to me, but her words going straight through me.
"Lorraine?" She called my name.
"Yeah. Take him for a long one" I wanted to be alone, in the bath, bubbles surrounding me. I didn't care if she took long, I just wanted to be alone. I sound harsh, but sometimes people need space; to think. I started the engine and we were off again, this time back to where we had started, the apartment.
"Thank you. For letting me see your world, well your old world" I turned to look at Nikki, her face sincere and innocent looking.
"No worries" That's all I had to say, nothing more on the matter. I was becoming bitter and I knew I needed alone time. I wanted to get her out of the way, so I wouldn't hurt her. I know when I'm around people, when I'm pissed off at the world, I end up being nasty to everyone.
"You ok?" She asked, concerned.
"I'm fine" I fake smiled at her, trying to convince her and myself everything was ok.

We were nearly back, it wasn't that long, even though I'd been moaning earlier about the drive. I wanted a nice bath, with lots of bubbles. I was imagining being deep in piping hot water, bubbles up to my ears.
"Lorraine, what do you want for tea?" Nikki interrupted my daydreaming.
"I'm not hungry, just get something for yourself" I was emotionless, blank and grey.
"Ok, you sure? I can make us something?" I wish she would just leave it at a no.
"I'm fine, like I said, I'm not hungry" I was trying my best not to get angry at her, it wasn't her fault I felt this way. The way I coped with feeling like shit, was taking it out on others. I had a really bad habit of doing that, I never meant to, it just happened. It was like I was constantly up and down and my mood swings could be severe or not so bad. It was like I had a completely different personality. One minute I would feel like I could take on the world, the next I'd be so low, I'd want to take myself out of this world. It could happen at any time, some things would trigger it and it was hard to live with. This is why I kept myself to myself, but I'd fallen for Nikki and now she was a part of my world. I needed to change, but I can't control myself. I lose grip.

We got back and Nikki left with Buddy straight away. My mind was all over the place. Going back there, must have been the trigger for my emotions and I was feeling worse with every minute. I ran the bath, my head was spinning a little. I used to collapse with anxiety, so I learnt how to deal with it. I still got faint frequently, but I never collapsed. My palms always got sweaty when I was stressed and having one of my attacks. I could feel my heart beating out of my chest, but I was still running the water. I was running a bath, feeling like this, but I still wanted to feel the warm water over me. There were so many bubbles, I didn't know where to look. They filled the bath tub, along with the water. I was shaking, but I wasn't cold. I took my clothes off, the leather stuck to me. I peeled my way out of my skirt and was now naked. I got in the bath and took a long sigh out. It was hot, really hot. My body started to turn red, I was sweating even more now. The bubbles covered me, nothing was visible, except from my head. I laid my head down on the edge of the bath, the water dampening my hair. My curls were now gone and I was crying. I was hysterical, my face screwed up so much, it made my head hurt. I grabbed hold of the bath's sides, holding on tightly, as though I was on the Titanic. The ceiling began coming closer to me, it was closing in on me. It felt claustrophobic, everything was spinning. I started looking at my feet, they looked huge, abnormal. I was freaking out and my breath became heavy. I couldn't breathe and the air was getting thick. I needed to get out, but my limbs felt detached from my body; I couldn't move. I tried screaming, nothing came out. I tried calling Nikki, but only a whisper could be heard. I was as stiff as a board, what was happening? I'd never felt like this before, it was like I could feel everything, but my brain wasn't connecting with my arms and legs. I felt my heart pounding, I could hear it loud and clear. I heard a bang in the background, it sounded like a gun shot. I started to freak out even more, this time I really couldn't breathe and then everything went black.

"Lorraine?! Lorraine?!" I could hear a faint cry, but it felt like a dream.
"Lorraine!" My name was getting louder, I could hear it more clearly.
"Lorraine?!" This time I was fully aware of what was happening. I started to cough, water was coming up. What had happened? All I remember was finding it hard to breathe, then nothing; it was like I'd been asleep.
"Lorraine?!" It was Nikki, she had hold of me. I was now aware, that I was laying naked on the cold tiles.
"I. I'm, I'm ok" I managed to say.
"Fuck" Nikki was distressed, she had found me like this. If she hadn't of found me, who knows what could have happened. I was soaked and I was sprawled out on the floor, my head was on Nikki's lap. I was freezing and I tried getting up.
"I called an ambulance, don't move" Nikki said.
"What? No! I'm fine" I didn't need anyone, I didn't need them. I got up, I was now sitting on the floor. I looked around to Nikki and she was soaked too.
"What happened?!" She asked me.
"I don't know. All I know is, I couldn't breathe and I woke up in your arms" I had no idea of the seriousness of all of this.
"Lorraine! I came in and you were under the water. Your leg was hanging out and you were submerged deep within. I thought you were joking around and I thought you were about to pop up, but you didn't. You were stone cold, you didn't move. Y, y, you were pale and you, you weren't breathing" I looked down at the floor, I wasn't breathing?
"What do you mean? I wasn't breathing?"
"You were pale and your chest wasn't rising. I pulled you out, you crashed to the floor. Your body was lifeless and I couldn't feel any breath coming out from your nose. I know CPR, so I done what I could. I was calling your name, then you started coughing up water. I have never felt like that, in my whole entire life. I've never been so scared, in my whole entire life. Fuck, I thought I was going to lose you and seeing you like that" She stopped and started crying. I didn't realise what had happened, I'd been out cold. Everything happened so suddenly.
"Nikki it's ok, I'm here" I held her arm tightly, squeezing it. I couldn't grip that well, I didn't have the energy.
"I came in and I couldn't find you anywhere. I was making a cup of tea and went to find you. I wanted to know if you wanted one. I looked everywhere except the bathroom, I came to it last. I walked in and I couldn't see you, but then I saw your leg hanging. I called you a few times and then shook your leg, but you didn't respond. I thought you were kidding and done it a few times, but realised you felt cold and didn't move. That's when I realised" She was speaking through her tears and I was welling up. If she hadn't of found me, I could have been dead right now. I was so cold. I was shivering.
"Shit, Lorraine. Your lips are purple!" Nikki grabbed a dressing gown and wrapped it around me, luckily it was thick one.
"Thank you" I could just about manage a few sentences, but it took effort. There was a knock on the door.
"That's the paramedics" I rolled my eyes, I didn't want anyone.
Nikki went off to answer the door, leaving me on the wet floor.
"Miss Donnegan? Hello my name's Barry and my colleague is Theresa" They seemed nice, but I didn't need any help.
"Let's get you off of this wet floor" Theresa grabbed me, Nikki helping her take me to the sitting room. Barry followed behind. I wasn't that fond of the name Barry, but not all were bad eggs. I sat on the sofa, still shaking. Partly because I was cold and partly due to the shock.
"Ok, so what happened?" Barry asked me.
"I don't know, I just blacked out in the bath" I didn't want to tell anyone I'd been panicking and had still gotten in the bath. I guess this all happened, because I was being careless and stupid.
"Has this happened to you before?" He asked me another question, whilst Theresa took my blood pressure.
"No. I've blacked out before, but not in the bath" Which was true, this wasn't a regular thing.
"Did you find her?" He was now interrogating Nikki.
"Yeah, I found her and done CPR. She wasn't breathing" Nikki looked at me whilst she spoke to him, her eyes sad. Theresa was now listening to my heart, she then decided to do an ECG. I had stickers stuck to me everywhere, they were reading my heart.
"How long is this going to take?" I wanted to know, I was tired and just wanted to go to bed.
"Miss Don, Lorraine. This is a very serious matter, you could have died. We need to make sure you're ok" His tone sounding angry, I only wanted to know. After a few tests and a full on check up, I was good to go. I didn't need any hospital treatment, I was ok. I was lucky.
"You're lucky your friend found you when she did, a few minutes, even seconds later and it could have been a very different story. You take care now and see your doctor first thing about these blackouts. Bye now" And with that lovely heartwarming speech, the paramedics were gone. I sounded like I didn't care what had just happened to me, truth is; it hadn't sunk in yet. Everyone around me, was more worried than me.
"You ok?" Nikki asked as she sat down beside me on the sofa.
"Yeah, I'm just tired" I was knackered, today had been a long one and I was ready for my bed.
"Lorraine, you need to eat. You had breakfast and that was it" Why? Why couldn't Nikki leave it. I know she cared, but I wasn't hungry.
"I'm fine, it was a big breakfast anyway" I didn't need anything, I didn't want anything.
"I will make you something" Nikki started to get up off of the sofa.
"No! I said I'm not hungry" Nikki was trying to make me eat and I didn't take kindly to people telling me what to do.
"I'm going to bed. I'm really tired" I needed sleep, I could barely open my eyes.
"Ok, well I'm here if you need me" she smiled.
"You're not coming to bed yet?" I asked her, wondering why she wasn't following me.
"Nah, I'm going to sit up for a while and watch some TV" I thought it was a legit enough reason, so I toddled off to bed. I could hear the TV switch on, just as I entered the bedroom. I laid in the bed, the shock of what had just happened was settling and I was beginning to realise the seriousness of it all. I could have died if Nikki didn't come back. I found it really weird, that she came back as soon as she did. It was like she knew or something, had a gut feeling. I couldn't lay down anymore and I sat up, pulling the covers off of me; I couldn't have them on me. I was shaking a tiny bit, it was sinking in and I was imagining all sorts of scenarios. I was imagining my body, slightly purple and cold. Imagining Nikki finding me, but being too late and having to lose me. Thinking about what Sonia would have been like and how people would react. Would they even care? I mean, nobody liked me at Waterloo. At least Nikki's dad wouldn't have to put up with a posh rich bitch. I don't know what I'm saying, maybe the shock went to my head. I sat still for a while. I decided to get up and walk to the window, I opened the curtains. In London, you couldn't really see the starts, there were too many street lights and lit buildings. I opened the window too, the cold breeze hitting my warm face, it was nice. I leant out a little, sticking my head out, like a dog in a car. I then heard footsteps coming towards the bedroom, but didn't bother to turn around.
"Lorraine?" It was Nikki, she'd finished sitting up. Maybe she was thinking about the night's events. I turned after she said my name, my lashes wet with tears. I didn't say anything, I just stood there like a helpless six year old girl. My body shaking with fear, what if that happened again? What if it happened and there wasn't anyone?
"You ok?" Nikki asked, stepping towards me. I looked away, too ashamed of the tears falling down my cheeks. I put my arm up to my mouth, biting down, just so I wouldn't make a noise. I stared at the sky, just looking at nothing; maybe heaven.
"Hey, come here" I felt Nikki's body get closer to mine and her hand touched my hair. She lifted it one side and pulled it to the other. Nikki then grabbed me round the waist, placing her head on my barely covered shoulder. I grabbed onto her arms, gripping tightly, then I turned to face her. Our eyes met, but I had to pull away. I hated people seeing me like this, but that wasn't the problem. My problem was about what had just happened. I was worrying and worrying, I couldn't help being scared.
"Wha, wh, what if I had died" I could only exit those words, becoming hysterical as I said 'died'
"Hey, hey. Shhhh, it's ok to be scared" Nikki stroked my hair, as her words touched my heart. I stood, weak. She was hugging me, my arms weren't even wrapped around her, they were squished between us. I then did decide to grab her, grip at her clothes. I found it difficult to hold on, but she hung on to me so perfectly. My head was placed on her chest, I was wetting her top, droplets of my tears falling. I tried holding on, but my grip wasn't tight enough, I was slipping to the ground. Nikki came with me, still holding on.
"It's ok. You're going to be ok" Her words soothing, but why didn't I believe them?
"Please don't leave me" I begged, my saliva sticking to my lips as I spoke, I spoke into her shirt.
"I won't. I'm here" Nikki had her head on the top of my head, I could feel her jaw moving as she spoke.

We sat there for a long time, I hadn't stopped crying. The last thing I remembered was, breathing in and closing me eyes.

I woke, it was the day we were going to drive home. It really didn't matter if we drove back quite late, we weren't back till Monday. We still had the weekend. Me and Nikki had fallen asleep on the floor, Nikki was in her clothes still. I was awake before her, she looked so peaceful and beautiful. I'd almost forgotten what had happened last night, then glimpses of it came back to me. I didn't know what to do, whether to wake Nikki, or put a blanket on her and leave her. Maybe I should wake her, for her to move to the bed. It would be more comfortable. I woke her. Her eyes slowly opening, the light of the day making it hard for her to see.
"Hey" Her voice a little croaky.
"Hi, you want to move to the bed?" I didn't like seeing her on the floor. I slept on the floor with her, but I didn't want her to hurt her back or anything.
"No, I'll get up. How are you feeling?" Her eyes opened and she was looking at me.
"Ok. I'm ok, a little groggy. How are you?" I felt like a tonne of bricks had hit me in the face, not good.
"Well, my throat hurts. Mainly from screaming last night, if only it was a good scream" Nikki always put light into something, that started off dark.
I nodded, just hearing what she'd said, made me cringe with fear. Fucking fear ruled my fucking life and I was finding it so hard to control. I felt lost in the world, I'd always felt lost. Some days I'd feel found, especially with Nikki, but I had so many layers to me and I hated every single one of them. All my layers made me, what's so good about being me? Money? It doesn't buy happiness, I'd be the happiest by now.
"Home today" Nikki smiled, saying something before I completely lost my head.
"Yes, thank goodness. All this week has brought, is bad luck and despair" I didn't mean it in a bad way, well yeah I did. Oh for fuck sake, I know what I mean. I didn't want to offend Nikki though, she was the one who planned the whole thing, except coming to London. I wish we'd stayed at her parents now, I'd take being in the same room as John, than nearly dying. It's kind of a no brainer.
"Shall I start packing?" We didn't even have time to pack last night, we were too busy having the paramedics out and all.
"I'll help" I grinned and started picking things up. Everything was everywhere. I was about to go into the bathroom, when I stopped in my tracks.
"Lo?" Nikki called, I froze.
"I'll do it" She placed a hand on my back to reassure me and I walked towards the bed. I sat. I couldn't believe how stupid I was being, seriously! I felt really pathetic and child like. It was like I was a child, who had seen the boogey man. What the fuck.
"It's all done" Nikki exited the bathroom and sat next to me. I think we had packed everything. I hadn't bothered unpacking all my things, we weren't here long; it didn't make any sense to do so.
"Ready for another long drive?" Placing a hand on my hand, trying to cheer me up. I could tell, as the tone of her voice said so.
"Oh, you know that's my favourite part" I joked, staying upbeat for Nikki. I didn't want to pull her down with me.

In the car, Buddy sitting on my lap. Nikki was driving, it wasn't a good idea for me to. I hadn't had a great night and bloody hated driving for ages. She'd made sure of it, she didn't want to see me behind the wheel. The engine started, window open, slightly, the smell of fresh air, we were leaving. Buddy started barking as we left the apartment car park, he saw another dog. Me and Nikki both looked at each other, I wasn't impressed. His bark was going straight through me, my head already banging.
"Buddy!" Nikki being assertive, trying to make him stop. I just tried to ignore the barking, but as soon as we were on the road, he stopped.
"Thank fuck" I said. Nikki laughing.
"I swear, I need that good shit you can buy. It supposedly helps you have a good day" I was hinting at Nikki to tell me what it was, that's if she knew.
"Oh I know what you mean. Umm... Oh, you mean Berocca" She knew.
"That's the one and some blooming paracetamol" I wanted some painkillers, I felt awful. I sometimes got ill through anxiety and depression, but this was because of nearly drowning. I mean, that would make anyone ill.
"I'm glad we're going back to work, to be honest" I agreed with Nikki, I couldn't wait to occupy myself with things to do. I'd probably have to come back to London at some point for a meeting, but at least I wouldn't have to go back to my old house. I'd never go there again.
"I just want to keep myself busy. I'm going to miss that place though, I care a lot about it" I really did love the place, it was somewhere I'd want to go, if I was a teenager. I loved everyone there, even if they didn't like me.
"You can come back anytime though. At the heart, the core of it, it will always be yours" It was sweet of Nikki to say that, at least I'd left an impression on it.
"Yeah" I said, agreeing to coming back at any time. I could imagine picking up Nikki for lunch, or taking her something in, making sure she'd eaten. Oh blimey, I was becoming the soppiest girlfriend ever. My shell was cracking. I was softening, a boiled sweet in a preheated oven. Gooey.
"Why can't it be sunny?" Nikki asking, but it was pretty obvious.
"Because, this is England" English weather being so indecisive, annoying. Never knowing what to wear, taking a coat, it being cold, then ten minutes later, warm as anything. I did like the rain though, although hated driving in it. I always thought the worst, what if. What if this happened, what if that happened. Ridiculous, irrational thinking, I need pills. No, no I do not!

"I spy with my little eye something beginning with B" me and Nikki got bored and started playing I Spy, it was her go.
"Butterfly? Bug? Oh, Buddy?!" I thought I'd gotten it.
"None of the above, give up?" I wasn't going to give up.
"Boot? Bell? Wait, there's no bell. Boobs?" We cracked up at my answer, boobs? I was a tit...
"Again, none of the above. Now do you give up?" Oh for fuck sake, she was making this really hard. Maybe it was me being an idiot and the answer was really obvious.
"Yes, ok. Ok Nikki I give up" messing with her sarcastically.
"I knew you wouldn't get it. It's beauty" What?! All that guessing, to get an answer, that was more stupid than me.
"Beauty? Where?" I had to ask what inspired her.
"You, you fucking idiot!" Alright Nikki, no need to shout. Blimey she was soft, even more soppy than me. I found it sweet, she was soft all round with me. Usually, she was uptight around others.
"Me? I'm the idiot. You're the idiot!" I wanted to push her to the side, but she was driving and we'd probably have an accident.
"Oh shut up, it's your go.. Beauty" I put my head in the palm of my hand, I wondered if Buddy agreed. He licked my eyelid.
"I spy with my little eye, something beginning with. A" I wanted to play her at her own game.
"Um. Ants, Allen, alien? Apple? Fuck, I can't actually think of anything beginning with A" there wasn't really anything here that began with an A.
"It's arsehole. My inspiration, you" I didn't bother to ask if she wanted to give up, I just blurted it out. I thought I was being amazing and funny. Her face was a picture, I didn't actually mean she was an arsehole.
"Har, har, very funny Lorraine" Even though she kept a straight face, she saw the funny side, as she laughed afterwards.
"Fuck, my head. It really hurts" it was now throbbing, the kind that made you feel really sick.
"Why don't you take a nap?" Nikki suggested.
"I might actually" I turned a little On my side, trying not to disturb Buddy and I laid my head down. It wasn't the most comfortable position, but it was what I had to work with. I closed my eyes and fell asleep, everything disappearing. All fear gone, the pain unknown; sleeping beauty...