The moment I opened my eyes, I felt as shit as I had, before I closed them. We were back in Greenock. We were at Nikki's, she probably thought it was a good idea after the night we'd had. Happy days I thought. Nikki was unloading the boot and I was still on my side in the front of the car. She hadn't noticed I was awake, so instead of helping her, I done the selfish thing. I just sat and stared at the sun in the sky, it was bright today. It was the afternoon, but it was still bright, I liked that. I was hoping the time I had spent sleeping, would shake this terrible feeling I still have. It feels like a loss, like I've lost someone I love, but they're still here. It feels like a numbness in my brain, whirling around, chasing after the rest of my body. I decided it was probably a better idea to get up and help Nikki. I needed to do something to occupy my mind.

"Hey"

"Oh hey, I thought you were sleeping. I thought I'd leave you be"

"Thank you, but I need to do something"

I started unloading the car again, I feel really odd about the world. This isn't working, this isn't helping ease my mind.

"Look Nikki, can you take me to Sonia's?"

"Why, what's up?"

"Nothing, I just need some time to think and breathe"

"Wh-what. What are you saying? That you need space from me? Lorraine you're unbelievable. I can't read you for shit. I thought we were ok. What's brought this on?"

"Stop. Please. I just need time to find myself, to figure out what the fuck is going on. Please, I need this"

"Fine. Just don't expect me to come running back, just because you said so"

"I won't. Don't worry about taking me. I will just get the bus"

"Lorraine! Loraine Don't be stupid! Oh for fuck sake, I can't do this anymore!"

I started walking, fast. Fast walking, nearly running. I look pretty stupid when I run, so fast walking it is. I couldn't hold back the tears, they're streaming down my face like a waterfall of sadness. I can't breathe, I literally am losing control of myself. I can't do this myself, I can't take this feeling of nothing, yet something. Why am I like this. Stupid fucking brain, tired little brain. I didn't want to stay at Sonia's, I didn't really want to stay anywhere. I can't sit still long enough for any four walls to calm me down. Then I thought, the school will still be open, I could just go there. Not an amazing idea, but it's better than nothing. I could just sit in one of the empty rooms.

I started to walk along the road heading towards Waterloo Road, but I needed to stop off at the shop to get cigarettes and alcohol. Unprofessional me. It's not the brightest idea I've ever had, but nonetheless, it's an idea. Right?

The School is in sight and I started to feel excited at the idea of getting pissed. Getting smoke into my cold lungs, the warmth of them made me tingle. I headed towards the front entrance, everyone was leaving and I was just arriving. No one really noticed me, a couple of students said hello and a couple of them whistled. Little tikes. Well big tikes. I could smell school as I took the first step up to the entrance. Maybe I shouldn't give the school to the council, or maybe I should and move away. Yes, that's what I will do, move away. Me and Nikki had spoken about having a place together, but maybe the reason I didn't want to stay here with Nikki, was because of Brooklyn. I needed to get away from Brooklyn, she made me feel angry and hurt all at the same time. I still and will always feel disgusting about the situation she put me in, that we both put ourselves in. I rarely thought about her when I was with Nikki, but now that i'm feeling crap; it's all I'm thinking about.

The halls of Waterloo Road were becoming empty and I was outside my office. Here I am again, the very place where all my problems and all my joy has become as one. I opened the door and the first thing I heard was Sonia. Great, just the person who I wanted to see. That's harsh, but I wanted to be alone. I'd just left Nikki unpacking all my things into her house. I could have sworn everyone's faces were merging into one bit ugly monster.

"Lorraine!"

Son had clocked sight of me and rushed over to hug me. There we stood with her arms wrapped around my body, my arms dangling down, not wanting to embrace her back. A lifeless moment.

"How was London, where's Nikki, how are you?"

"Sonia! Too many questions, can we speak later? I'll come round tonight, I just have to tie some loose ends up"

"Yeah course, I was just about to leave. I'll see you later"

I could feel the worry coming off of her, the worried look she probably gave me as she left the room. I went towards my office and opened the door. Emptiness hitting me, the very thing I was craving. I sat in my chair and stared at the walls, I seemed to do a lot of that, staring. I needed time to think about what I was doing. I already knew I was going to give the School to the Council, but it was the aftermath I was worried about. All I knew is that I needed to leave Greenock, whether it was away to England, or whether it was still in Scotland. I hadn't yet decided, but I knew I had to, for my own sanity. I needed a break from work, I needed a break all together. I had the money to have the time out, I had millions in the bank. It wasn't like I was short of cash, if ever I needed to leave. I could sell my place and find a new one. I didn't want to go back to London, I could go overseas, but that's too far from Sonia. I could stay in Scotland, maybe Glasgow. Then again, I could go overseas. Sonia wouldn't mind, she's been able to stand on her own two feet since forever. Maybe New York, the city that never sleeps. Maybe that's the best thing for me, to go somewhere different.

I had been going over the same thought for hours and had lost track of time, plus I hadn't even had a sip of my alcohol. The cigarettes then popped into my head. I got up grabbed the cigarettes, plus my bag and stood outside in the carpark. I had said I would lock up, the janitor had left the keys ages ago. I lit up and started taking tokes, oh it feels amazing. The stress slightly lifting off of my shoulders, thinking of a new life. The only thing I was worried about was Nikki, maybe she would come with me. Maybe not, it was up to her. My plan was to drop the school keys and a note off to Michael, then go and tell Nikki.

I'd finished my cigarette, locked the school with my alcohol still inside and left. I began going to my house, it was a long walk. I walked slowly down the street, it wasn't dark, there was a beautiful sunset. From out of nowhere came a car horn, beeping at me from behind. I looked back and it was Brooklyn. What the fuck was she doing out at this time.

"Hey Lorraine, you want a ride?"

"Um I don't know, I'm ok walking"

Walking wasn't the best option, but it avoided her.

"Come on Lorraine, you can't walk all that way"

"How do you even know where I'm going Brooklyn?"

"I don't, but wherever it is, it's probably far"

"Fine"

I agreed and got in her car, as much as I didn't want to. I couldn't walk that far, it would take me an hour.

"Why are you out walking alone at this time Lorraine?"

"I could ay the same for you, but driving"

"I needed to clear my head, things aren't working out at the school as I'd hoped"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well, I was hoping to make a nice new start, but I've become a nuisance to everyone at Waterloo Road. Plus I was hoping you would love me again"

I fell silent, I didn't know what to say. What could I say, after all this time I couldn't ever love her again. I still had love towards her, but not that kind of love. I loved Nikki and that's the only person I could see myself with.

"Well I don't really know what to say"

As the words left my lips, I was at mine. I had to pack a few things and pick up my other car I had. I started getting out of Brooklyn's car.

"Thank you Brooklyn, take care. Give Waterloo Road a chance. I did and it gave a lot back, please don't give up on it"

"If you say so"

"Just try. Anyway I better go. Goodbye Brooklyn"

"Bye Lorraine"

I walked up to my house and entered. I felt bad for not telling her that I'm leaving, but I couldn't let her try and stop me. She needs to get on with her life and not get so caught up in mine.

I had just about packed all I needed, I'd left a lot of things just where they were. I had also written Michael a note. Pretty much saying goodbye and look after the school for me. There was nothing left, but to get in my car and go to Nikki's.

I had butterflies and a sickness feeling in the pit of my stomach. I could barely drive straight, thinking of what I was going to say. I didn't want to leave on bad terms, I wanted to know if she would come with me, but it's a big ask. She'd have to give up teaching and she'd have to give up everything, just for me. I was here, at Nikki's. Those feeling becoming even more as I stepped up to her front door. I could hear the TV on and Buddy barking. I knocked lightly on the door, but Nikki didn't come and answer, so I tried the doorbell. After it had stopped ringing, she answered.

"Lorraine? What are you doing here?"

"I needed to see you, I have to ask and tell you something"

"Oh really, so you have to do all that, but you couldn't text or call to tell me what the fuck is going on with us, with everything. I didn't even know if you were ok Lorraine! I had to call your sister and ask her if she'd seen you. She told me you were at school, so I assumed you were telling Michael the good news about Waterloo Road"

"Well I have, but that's not exactly why I was there. I had to sit for a while and clear my thoughts into something I could understand"

"Do you want to come in Lorraine?"

"No, no. This won't take long"

"What won't take long? Lorraine you're confusing me"

"Look Nikki. I need"

I couldn't get the words out properly, I couldn't get right ones to say.

"I, I'm leaving Nikki"

"Leaving? What do you mean? Where are you going?"

I couldn't answer, my eyes glazed. How was I supposed to do this?

"I need to leave Greenock, well leave Scotland and I wanted to ask you"

Nikki interrupted.

"Leave Scotland and go where Lorraine? What about us? Have you even thought about us?"

"Of course I have, that's why I wanted to ask you, if you wanted to come to New York with me?"

"New York, NEW FUCKING YORK! How do you expect me to leave everything? I can't just up and leave my home, my work, my life Lorraine!"

"But"

"But what Lorraine, what were you thinking I was going to say? Yes and we would live happily ever after? That we would skip off into the sunset?"

My glazed eyes had become full streams and I was finding it hard to contain my upset.

"I just thought you wanted to start a life with me"

"I do, I did, but here Lorraine, not in New York. Please just come in and we can talk about this"

"I can't"

I looked back at the car and then turned to face Nikki again.

"You're going now aren't you? You're leaving now. How could you do this?"

"I've bought the ticket, I bought two just in case"

"Well there was really no need was there. No need for all of this. No need for you to meet my parents. No need for you to have ever of kissed me. You fuck off to New York and leave me here. Waking up every single day without you. You leave and live your life, whilst I take every breath struggling for air. You do that Lorraine. You know, I should have known you were the type to never stick anything out, to never stay. You give up the school, only because you see sense, because the children are actually more important than money and then you give up me. You've given up me"

"Please just come, you can still come with me. Please Nikki. Please, I can't live here anymore, it's too much. Please"

I was erratically grabbing her hands and she was pulling away.

"No Lorraine. I thought one day I could give up everything for love, but I have too much to lose. I couldn't do that to my family, to my pupils. They all need me"

"Ah I see, so people need you. I need you, you forgot about that one"

"Lorraine, you need something, but it isn't me"

"So I guess that's a no then? I knew you'd say no. Don't worry, maybe one day we will see each other again. Bye Nikki"

"Wait, Lorraine. Just change your mind please?"

"I can't"

I left, I turned and left. In the car, silence, I left. To the airport I go, no looking back. Not even for a last glimpse of Nikki, just nothing.