A/N 1: Read disclaimers from Chapter 1 before proceeding.
A/N 2: Oh goodness! I cannot apologize enough for not updating earlier. I feel so ashamed. It's been 3 months! I still hope a couple of you are still out there! Right?
A/N 3: I've struggled and struggled and struggled to get this written, so finally. Who knows what was going on in mind when I decided to do this. I've been crying for 3 straight hours. Sorry if there are medical or technical glitches!
A/N 4: There is a lullaby which is alluded to in this chapter. I had Gartan's Mother's Lullaby in mind of course because have you heard that angel singing the song?
A/N 5: Un-beta-ed, so all mistakes are mine!
"Oh God, God, why did you take such trouble to force this creature out of its shell if it is now doomed to crawl back-to be sucked back-into it?"
-C. , A Grief Observed
27th March 2008
7.47 p.m.
The Nursery
Manhattan Townhouse
A good three weeks had passed since the night Andy became a mother to a son and had also almost lost Miranda in the operation theatre.
Two weeks had gone by since Miranda had been given the clean bill of health and had been discharged from the hospital.
Only five days had passed since their son had been home.
It would have been a gross understatement to say that the arrival of this newest member had been anything short of a tornado. Except, the effects of the tornado were not those of destruction. Instead, it had added the handsomest flower to a garden in full bloom. But it had taken quite a toll on the plant from which it had bloomed.
It had been hard on Miranda, of course, mentally and physically. But Andy, the ever faithful, had been there at every moment. Every single one.
She had been there when Miranda refused to eat until she saw their child, she was there to help the nurses who managed to place a very weak Miranda in a wheelchair and take her outside the NICU, she had been there when Miranda stayed in the NICU corridor and stared at Christopher all night long, she was there to soothe Miranda when she threw a tantrum over nothing and refused any sort of help, she had been there to help Miranda up when she fell down in the bathroom and finally accepted help. She was there to complete all the formalities when Miranda was finally discharged, and she had come to Christopher almost every moment he was awake to make sure he was okay and miraculously she had also been there for the girls. By the end of it Miranda was convinced that only Andy, her Andy could do it all. Indeed.
So it's not surprising to see Andy home, early, from work as she looks on tenderly while Miranda breastfeeds their son.
'What are you staring at?' Miranda deadpans.
'Two pretty faces.'
'Hmm, my, you're easy to please. Now, my son I can vouch for, but this,' she gestures with her free hand around her face, 'is not all.'
Truth be spoken—the dark circles around her eyes haven't reduced one bit, her skin still looks extremely sallow and the otherwise perfectly coiffed hair looks much unrulier and longer tonight.
'Your opinion doesn't count.' Andy gets up to take Chris from Miranda's hand as she finishes feeding him. 'Oh Christopher, my son, thinks so too. He is asking Mommy to not be silly!' Andy mimics in a baby voice and starts burping and changing his clothes for the night.
Miranda only just shakes her head and feigns indifference but is secretly grateful for everything, for every moment Andy decides to spend with them, for every flaw she ignores.
'You're sure we should keep him here.' Miranda asks as she peers over as Andy starts tucking Chris in.
Andy stops talking in gibberish and says 'Yeah, didn't Susan say it's okay. Besides this is why we have a baby monitor. Maybe, maybe we could shift his cot to our room for a month, maybe.' Andy says less confidently as all the nights of staying awake at the hospital comes to mind.
'Yes. Yes.' Miranda almost sounds relieved.
'Well, then Cara and I will do it first thing tomorrow morning.' Andy turns to place a kiss on Chris's forehead 'Goodnight, sweety pweety pie, the apple of my eye.' Miranda rolls her eyes. She too moves in to place a kiss on Chris's forehead and whispers something inaudibly. Then she stands up and looks towards Andy who's standing beside her and still staring at Chris.
They both look at each other for the briefest second but it's enough, more than enough to convey the mutual indescribable happiness and the eternal gratitude they feel for God knows what not.
28th March 2008
12.17 a.m.
Master Bedroom
Manhattan Townhouse
The baby monitor glows neon in the darkness of the night as a sudden shrill incessant cry fills the room.
Andy is the first to wake up and venture towards the nursery although she knows that Chris is probably hungry and needs Miranda more now. But Miranda is tired and there is no way in hell Andy is gonna let Miranda take a flight of steps to go nurse their son. Instead she decides to bring him up to their room.
However when Andy reaches the nursery she is amazed to see that Chris isn't crying anymore. Miranda can have her sleep after all. She decides to have one look at Chris before returning to her bed so she switches on a dim lamp and makes her way towards the spacious cot.
That's when it hits her; that something isn't right. His face looks sallow, almost green and he seems to be breathing differently-in uneven spurts and he has his face all scrunched up in a pained expression.
Andy's heart goes out to her little boy and she takes him up in her arms in an instant. Andy can't quite make out what's wrong with Chris, but he looks uncomfortable and the best thing Andy knows is to take him to his mother.
As if on cue a sleepy Miranda walks into the nursery, 'I thought you'd bring him upstairs.' she sounds exhausted.
'Mira, something is wrong with him!?' Andy says cautiously still looking at her son in her arms.
'What? What do you mean?' Miranda rushes towards Andy and Chris and takes him from Andy.
Of course Miranda isn't a doctor but she's a mother and has been one for twelve years now and she realizes that something is gravely wrong. Chris seems to be in terrible pain and his breathing seems troubled and Miranda knows there isn't a moment to waste.
'Get the car out, I'll tell the girls and be down in a minute. We need to take him to the hospital immediately.'
'Should I call Dr-'
'NO! Just do what I'm saying!' and then Andy sprints down the stairs and does exactly what her Miranda asks her to do while Miranda wakes up the girls. There is no way she's gonna leave them alone at home and there is no way she can call Emily at this time of the night, so she decides to take them along.
The car ride seems to last for an eternity. While Miranda makes frantic calls to the hospital and Dr. Abassac, Andy tries her damned hardest to drive carefully. The twins sit without a word terrified at this sudden disturbance in their newly found happiness.
There is a cold nip in the air and the roads are deserted. The quietness of it all, hits them in the bones and as much as they try they can't keep the feeling of dread at bay.
'Andrea,he's he's-drive faster, please.' Miranda says in a strained voice, 'why is he just sleeping, why isn't he crying, he won't—won't-I can't get him to feed.'
'Is he going to die?' Cassidy blurts out with a child's concern and innocence only to be quieted by Caroline. And like that, just like that, that one thought that's plaguing all of their minds is out there in the open. Raw and soul piercing.
'NO Cass! He's going to be OKAY sweetheart.' Andy reassures.
Miranda sits stock still with a sleeping Christopher in her hands.
12.47 a.m.
NY Presbyterian Hospital
'We have an appointment with Dr. Abassac-' Andy almost yells at the receptionist.
'Yes ma'am she's waiting for you at the OT. I suggest you let a nurse carry your child...' but Miranda grasps at Chris a little more tightly, 'or maybe-'
'OT? Why the OT—Chris?-' Andy stutters.
'Ma'am, Dr. Abassac is waiting to answer all your questions.'
They reach the Operation Theatre in no time and the first thing Susan says is 'Wheel him in. It's what I suspected.'
And even before any of them can begin to comprehend the situation Chris is torn away from Miranda's grasp and rushed into the Operation Theatre, the doctor close at heel.
'No—Chris-doctor-' Andy rushes forward but is stopped short by a nurse.
'Miss, Miss you must wait here. The doctors are working on him' she tells a frazzled Andy holding onto a shell shocked Miranda.
'But—but—what's wrong with him?' Andy implores.
'Please, give the doctors some time. We'll let you know asap.'
They see another doctor rush in before everything goes eerily quiet and the red bulb from the operation theatre glows brightly portending the impending consequences.
All this while Miranda hasn't uttered a single word and now she turns to look blankly at Andy, as if expecting an answer, an explanation for whatever is happening, but Andy has nothing to offer, not even a sense of false comfort because she's equally shaken. Equally numb, equally dismantled.
So instead, Caroline and Cassidy come to their rescue. Like all children, they too can smell fear and grief. So they take each of them by their hand and guide them towards the nearest chairs. And yet there isn't a single word.
Andy puts her hands on her face and rubs them vigorously and violently shakes both her legs. Beside her, Miranda sits, hands folded in prayer. Andy's never seen Miranda pray, they're not a religious family per se, only probably spiritual. So Andy doesn't know what to do when she sees Miranda's mouth move in inaudible prayer. She seems a galaxy away, her eyes fixed on a spot on the floor, unseeing.
Caroline and Cassidy are huddled in one corner, next to Andy reassuring each other in twin talk. Andy hopes she'd have enough courage to reassure Miranda, to erase that lost look on her face, so she puts her hand on top of Miranda's folded hands and secures it tightly. Miranda looks at her for a split second and nods before returning to pray. Andy doesn't know why Miranda might be nodding-she wants to believe it's Miranda way of saying 'It's gonna be alright!' but she knows it might also mean 'I know I'm scared too!'
1.45 a.m.
An eternity passes before the neon red light is turned off.
As soon as Dr. Abassac exits the operation theatre along with the other doctor Andy and the twins jump up.
'Doctor, how is he now? Can we go see him?Or shall we-' Andy stops herself from hyperventilating and gazes across solemn faces.
'Andy this is Dr. Saraf, our consulting neurosurgeon, the best in town.' Dr. Saraf only nods but doesn't offer his hand in greeting.
After the longest pause Dr. Abassac speaks again, 'Andy, we tried our best. The case was too complicated. Since there weren't any symptoms, I presume, it wasn't possible for you to detect the haemmorage.'
'The—the—what?' Andy asks incredulously.
'What happened to the patien—Christopher was brain haemorrhage—internal bleeding. By the time you'd brought him in there was too much intra-ventricular damage, we-'
'Is-is-he gonna be brain-damaged or something? Because then we'll manage, we'll-'
'No, Andy—Andy, we couldn't—he didn't make it.' Dr. Abassac says in a final tone.
And then everything stops for Andrea. Somebody seems to have pulled the ground from under her two feet and left her to fall through a never-ending deep dark hole. She doesn't hear the twins sobbing behind her nor everything the doctors seem to be saying. It all just blanks out, like it is just when you wake up and your mind is an empty canvas which can't seem to process anything for the first few moments.
And then when she finds her voice, she asks again, because the truth seems too unreal, too brutal, not meant for her or her family 'Save him? Is he—Chris?'
'I know it's hard Andy but you have to be strong for Miranda.' Dr. Abassac pats her on the shoulder and wipes away an errant tear which seems to have fallen without consent. 'We can arrange for the body to be kept in the morgue before the funeral or if you want us to-whatever you decide—or if you want to see it before maybe, it's-he's inside-'
And Andy still just stands there staring right through Dr. Abassac, as if in a dream. Then she blinks, once, then twice as things begin to register.
Christopher is dead. Her son is dead. Her flesh and blood.
This is not what she dreamed of. In a million lifetimes. All those night time dreams of showing Christopher the world and being the damnest best parent in the world crashes violently into a million tiny pieces and rips her heart out to let it bleed, endlessly. For the first time she wants to destroy the world and everything around her and God for his cruelty. That's when the tears come in full force, breaking all the dams in it's way. That's when the tears make everything ahead of her blurry and she falls to the ground in a heap and cries. And cries.
And for once Andy wants someone to hold her and rock her to sleep and tell her it's all gonna be okay and that everything is a dream and 'it's gonna be alright' when she wakes up like Miranda tells her when she has nightmares. She needs Miranda, yes that's who she needs now, so she draws out her hand to take Miranda's who's still sitting next to her.
As she grasps Miranda's hand she finds Miranda shivering uncontrollably. She looks up to stare directly into Miranda's face which looks ashen. In all her selfish grief she seemed to have forgotten all about her lover sitting next to her. Now when she looks at Miranda whatever is left of her sanity goes away and she wants to kill whoever put this utterly shattered look on her lover's face and she wants all of it to just go back in time, but in vain.
She gets up from the ground and takes a seat next to Miranda and holds her lover's shivering body. Miranda seems to have entered into a world of her own, her gaze is still fixated on that spot on the floor but her face is expressionless, emotionless and except for the violent shivering anyone would think she had turned into stone.
Andy takes her hand and kisses it and barely whispers 'Miranda.' Miranda looks up at Andy and then towards the operation theatre and says 'Take me to him.'
Andy isn't ready. Not now. She's isn't ready to face the reality at all. To see her child in a certain way she'd never want to see him. But Miranda commands in a raw, broken voice and Andy can't ignore that.
'Are you sure?' she still asks. Miranda nods only just once. And that's all.
Miranda stands up on shaky legs but falls back only to be caught by Andy. 'Take me' she says again and Andy knows she really, literally does need to take her there because Miranda is not physically capable anymore it seems.
She looks towards the twins, gives them her phone and says, 'Girls, call Uncle Nigel. Tell him.' She knows it's her or Miranda who should be doing these things not these innocent little flowers but she also knows that however young they are they understand everything and there is no point shielding them from what is going to come. So she lets them be adults while goes back to dealing with a bigger problem at hand.
'Come.' She holds tightly onto Miranda as they make their way towards the operation theatre where Christopher is.
She pauses near the door while Miranda tries to push it open with all her might. She wonders where Miranda is getting all this courage from. She doesn't want to see whatever lies ahead but she doesn't want to leave Miranda alone either.
Miranda seems to be moving in a dream, fleeting, unaware, detached. She goes up to the hospital bed, the stark white of which hits the eyes, and in the middle of it lay their son. Absolutely still, peaceful. It looks almost as if he's sleeping and might wake up any minute and cry for Miranda.
Andy wonders if miracles happen. If Chris might actually start crying when Miranda goes and sits next to him. Her whole body pains to even have to witness this. She doesn't want to go nearer to them, for she's fearful of doing something she'd regret forever. But there is no way she can keep herself from crying. Howling. Body-racking sobs as she makes her way towards where Chris's lifeless form lies.
'Sssshhhh' Andy looks up to see Miranda shushing her. The blue of her eyes are clouded over and she looks through Andy to some distant place in another world. She's stroking Christopher's forehead and whispering in a language Andy doesn't understand-Hebrew or something similar and then-then Andy breaks because Miranda starts humming a lullaby and places soft kisses on his face. Andy's heard her sing it before but tonight it's so raw and sincere and heartbreaking it scares Andy. A little too much.
She seems to sing forever and then stops. All of a sudden.
'I have the tuxedo you know. He's is going to look so beautiful.' She slides a finger down his cold cheek and caresses his face again.
'Miranda, oh Mira!' Andy rushes to where Miranda is sitting and falls to her feet and buries her face in Miranda's lap and wraps her arms around Miranda's still trembling form.
And still Miranda doesn't shed a single tear. Andy wonders what other horrendous things Miranda might have gone through to make her so strong in the face of such adversity. Or is it that Miranda still doesn't understand? Or is it only the calm before the storm?
But for now Andy cries and cries while holding onto to Miranda for dear life. Miranda sits and sings and rocks Chris in her arms.
Do you want to kill me yet?
Can I still ask for reviews?