You sat up in your bed, groaning at the light filtering in through the window.

"What...?"

You squinted your eyes, trying to rub the sleep and confusion out of them.

You looked around you. All the other girls were fast asleep as well, in positions that looked so stiff and so deep in slumber that they may as well have been comatose. No one had come to rouse you all, as had happened each other time this had happened over training.

You hadn't awoken with the sun in three years.

Why...?

Oh. Right.

Today was it. The day before your final test. The one day in three years you each have, completely free and completely to yourselves to do whatever you wanted.

You were the only one in a hundred cadets who was not excited about this day.

You'd had a hard time getting excited about anything since the last time you spoke with Eren.

Everyone with homes within Wall Rose was going to take the day to visit their family and loved ones. Others were going to head to the town or the market area in Trost and spend the day hitting the shops and stalls with their friends.

You, well... if you had your way, you were just going to sleep. It wasn't like you had any friends or family outside of the 104th Trainee Corps or any money to spend.

Yeah, sleeping sounded good. Maybe today wouldn't be so bad after all.

You fell back, relishing the feeling of the pillow cradling your head. It may have been made out of shit and cardboard, but it was better than nothing.

A day off...

"WAHOO!"

You sat up straight in bed, hair flipping up unattractively, a grimace painting your face.

"Sasha. You better shut up. Right now."

Sasha had burst in through the door with Connie, spinning around on one foot, throwing her hands into the air joyously. "But today's our day off! You all don't want to spend it sleeping! - oof!"

Sasha lifted her hands defensively as Annie threw what appeared to be her whole boot directly at Sasha's head.

"Okay, okay, I get it. I'm sorry. I just thought you guys would want to do something fun with what little time you have! This is one of our last days together, and we can do whatever we waaant!" she sang, running down the aisle to grab her small satchel. "Connie, let's go! The shops are open!"

He nodded vigorously as she grabbed his hand and dragged him out the door. Blissful silence fell over the cabin once again.

Finally...

"She has a point, you know," Christa said thoughtfully from her top bunk. She sat up, long blonde hair forming a messy halo around her head. "Ymir, are you up? Wanna go to town?"

"We could just snuggle in bed," Ymir answered grumpily from beneath her. "Together," she added as an afterthought, sounding rather satisfied with her idea.

"Come on, Ymir! Look, the sun's already up! We're wasting time!" Christa pleaded, leaning over the side of her bed to peer at her best friend. Her blonde hair fell down, tangled and ratty. Ymir played with it absentmindedly, separating the knotted strands with her fingers.

Hannah lithely jumped down from the bunk she shared with Sasha, red hair almost standing straight up, and started getting ready, digging for her brush in her drawer. Mikasa did the same, careful not to wake her grumpy, blonde, somehow again sleeping, bunkmate. Ymir groaned. "We can't just sleep?"

"I'm with Ymir," you called sleepily.

"No, we can't just sleep," Christa answered incredulously. "[Name]!" she called. "What are you going to do today?"

You groaned, gesturing towards your head dramatically. "This."

"You can come with us," she offered.

"Nope. Still this. But thanks."

Mikasa peeked up from the side of your bed. "You could come to the market with Eren, Armin, and me."

You looked at her wearily. "Thanks, but no."

She stared at you silently for a moment, until you felt slightly uncomfortable. "Is everything okay between you and Eren? He's seemed depressed lately."

You forcibly scoffed, rolling your eyes for added show. "He's just being dramatic. We had a little fight. It's nothing," you said, dismissing her assumption with an airy wave of your hand.

The truth was, as tough a show as you put on for the others, you knew Mikasa would see right through you. You'd been friends and lived together for a quite a while, so you knew it was unavoidable that she'd see how bothered you were by your last conversation with Eren, just as she'd noticed with her brother. After two years of being inseparable, you'd barely looked at each other in almost a month.

But you wanted to. Oh, you wanted to.

And therein lies the problem.

Mikasa narrowed her eyes. "It's not nothing. I've seen him when you guys fight. This is different."

You dropped the facade in front of your friend, sadness taking over your expression. You sighed heavily, glad the other girls were too busy to notice your conversation. You figured this was why Mikasa had chosen now to have it. She was nothing if not quietly considerate. Truthfully, she was probably one of the best friends you'd ever had.

"I don't want him to get any closer. Mika, we're all leaving next week. You're leaving. He's leaving."

She looked down for a moment, pondering what you had said. "I think I understand where you're coming from. But is breaking his heart really worth it?"

"I'm not breaking -"

"[Name], please listen to me," Mikasa said quietly. You immediately fell silent. Mikasa didn't often speak, and almost never demanded to be listened to. You could tell that whatever she needed to say was important to her, so you gave her your full attention. She was quiet for a few moments. "I've seen Eren go through every emotion there is. Anger, sadness, even happiness sometimes," she said, a sad smile on her beautiful face. "He wears his heart on his sleeve. Heartbreak isn't one I've seen before, but it isn't too difficult to recognize."

You stared at her blankly.

"Whatever it was that was said between the two of you, it causes him pain. He's hurting," she clarified. "I understand that he and you are not joining the same branch. I understand that he... doesn't understand. But please... try to fix it. I've never seen him like this before."

"Mika..." you said, stunned almost into silence. You hadn't realized that... Eren was in as much pain as you were. Maybe even more... he didn't know why you weren't letting him near you. You didn't like it, but she had a point. You didn't want to hurt him anymore than you already had. You cleared your throat and nodded. "I'll try."

She looked at you and smiled wanly. "That's all I can ask. Thank you."

She jumped down from your bunk bed and continued getting ready, changing into a simple blouse and skirt from when she joined several years ago. They still fit her.

You laid back heavily against your bed and tried closing your eyes and falling back asleep again.

All you could see was him.

"Shit," you groaned, getting out of bed and jumping to the floor, startling Mina who sat on her own bed, lacing up her boots.

"[Name]!" she said excitedly... or was it guiltily?... as you sat down beside her drowsily.

You smiled at her. "Hi, Mina."

She glowed. "Will you come with us today?"

She reminded you so much of Amelia. She was so light, so carefree, so happy. She deserved a better friend than you, you thought sadly. "No, Mina, but thank you. I think I'll just spend today relaxing here. The past three years have taken their toll on me," you joked, leaning against her and pushing her slightly.

She giggled. "I understand. I'm tempted to just stay in bed myself," she said cheerfully. Her smile faded a bit and she looked at you seriously. "[Name], I... I heard what Mikasa said to you."

You looked sourly at your feet. "Oh."

Mina smiled gently. "I don't know him very well, but when I notice he's been different too, something's wrong."

You sighed. "I don't know what to do, Mina. He wants more than it's possible for us to have. I don't want to get too close, and then have to watch him leave."

She shrugged, leaning against your shoulder lightly. "Maybe he's just as sad about having to leave you as you are about leaving him."

"I don't think he understands," you said, frustration tinting your voice.

"Oh, I bet he does," Mina said thoughtfully. "I bet he understands perfectly, and that's why he wants more. It's like Sasha said before - he's trying to make the best of what little time we have left."

You looked at her, a startled look on your face. "But what's the point of that? It'll just hurt to remember later."

"It'll hurt more if you leave with nothing. Appreciate him while you still have him, and have those memories later."

With that, she got up and walked out, gripping your shoulder tightly before she left.

It wasn't long before you were left alone with your thoughts.

You stretched like a cat, cracking your back to the left and the right before clicking the triggers on your 3DMG and soaring into the trees.

You had always taken a great amount of joy in soaring through the sky with your gear, and today, tired or no, you needed that feeling of freedom. When you lived in the Undercity, you were barely even able to see the sun or the clouds. Now, you could live among them.

You weren't sure how long you'd been flying, but eventually, your muscles start to cramp up and you decided you needed to take a break. The sun was starting to hang low in the sky, painting the horizon with gorgeous pinks and oranges, so you knew it was getting later and you'd need to just head straight back afterwards. You landed by a lake, thinking that the water would be refreshing as well. You dropped your gear on the ground to relieve yourself of some of the weight, and made your way over to the shore.

You almost jumped out of your boots when someone landed heavily beside you.

"I thought you went to town," you said immediately upon seeing a pair of accusing green eyes. You backed up nervously.

He shrugged, intent eyes trained on you. "I didn't feel like it."

Your eyes narrowed. "Then what are you doing here?"

"I saw you, so I followed you," he said matter-of-factly.

You grunted and turned, walking back to you discarded gear. "Too far, Eren."

"Why have you been avoiding me?" Eren asked, hot on your trail.

"You know why," you said over your shoulder, still walking away.

'Fixing it', it was turning out, was easier said than done when it came to this guy.

He didn't stop. "This could be one of the last times we get to talk."

"That's okay with me," you said flippantly.

He finally caught up with you, standing between you and your gear, a look of desperation on his face. "Please! Please, just talk to me," he begged, coming closer to you cautiously. "Don't just walk away from me... please. Please."

All of your pent up emotions burst within in you, and you couldn't keep your voice down anymore. "What do you want from me, Eren?!" you yelled.

He didn't back down, nor did he move. He held your gaze fiercely. "I want to know why it's so wrong for me to care about you."

You groaned and looked away. "Eren..."

He grabbed your hand and watched as he gently ran his index finger over your knuckles. His voice dropped, laced with emotion. "Why can't I care? What is it about your past that's so bad that you can't even tell me?" asked Eren, turning his gaze back to you.

You didn't like where this was going so you pulled your hand free, backing away and shaking your head. "Eren, please, stop -"

He halted abruptly, massaging the bridge of his nose. "No, that's not what I've wanted to say. But I've been waiting for a month to say this, and it's my last chance, so please... listen. Just listen. One last time."

You wanted to tell him no, to push him aside and grab your gear and fly away from him. That was easier... but... something about the tone of his voice and the look in his eyes wouldn't let you do it.

Wouldn't let you break his heart.

"...Okay," you said quietly.

He looked up at you with hopeful eyes. "Okay?"

You nodded. "Okay."

"...Thank you," he said quietly. He looked like he wanted to reach out to you, but changed his mind. His hands fell limply to his sides. His eyes were trained on the lake behind you. "It's fine if you can't tell me about what happened before we met. I don't care about where you came from. I don't care about what you've done," he said, stepping forward and taking your hand again cautiously. You let him. "All I care about is you, and if caring about you means that I can't know, then that's okay," he said simply. "But please, don't ignore me. Please don't ever ignore me like that. I've been miserable without you. I thought that... that was going to be the last time I'd ever get to talk to you, and it made me sick to my stomach," he said, grimacing. "I'm sorry that I pushed you. If you don't want to be... friends like before, that's fine. But please, please don't treat me like I don't exist. But I'm sick of being pushed away. ...I just want to be close to you."

Somewhere during his speech, you had turned away from him, hand still enclosed in his.

You didn't want him to see you cry.

"Look at me," he said gently, squeezing your hand with one of his, touching your scarred cheek with another.

You didn't reply, for fear of your voice betraying your emotions to him.

"Please," he said softly.

"Why?" You spoke the word as quietly as possible.

"I need to see your face."

"..."

Slowly, uncertainly, you faced him, turning your wet cheek into his palm, tears falling freely from your eyes. You were past being embarrassed in front of him, but you felt ashamed nonetheless.

"[Name]..." he said, stunned. "Why... are you crying?"

Your face twisted angrily at his stupid question, and you snapped. "Because you're leaving!" you spat.

He looked concerned, and his hands dropped to his sides. "What?"

"You're leaving! You're joining them! " you hissed the word like it was a swear, staring at him accusatorily.

He shook his head in confusion. "What does that have to do with anything? You always knew I was joining the Legion," he reasoned.

You looked at him disbelievingly. "Yeah! Yeah, I did! But I wasn't expecting to feel like... this!" you gestured generally at your whole self.

Eren was still lost. "Like what?"

You looked around angrily, struggling to put words to your feelings. "Idiot. Like... like... like my heart's being torn out of my chest!"

As usual, he was struggling to keep up. "...What are you saying?"

You glared at him through the tears that just refused to stop. Sina, how much can one person cry? "What don't you understand? I think about me going the Police or the Garrison and you going to the Legion and it feels like my heart's being torn out of my chest. You might be okay with leaving me behind, but I'm not okay with letting you go!"

Eren simply gawked at you, speechless.

"I can't stand the thought of living the rest of my life not knowing... whether you're alive or dead. I..." You kept backing up, away from him, until your ankles hit the water. You couldn't control it anymore and gave up on your self-control, cries falling freely from your lips. "Please d-don't go..." you sobbed brokenly, wrapping your arms around yourself, trying in vain to hold yourself together before your broken soul broke clean in half.

"[Name]..."

You continued. "Please, don't go... just join the Military Police," you pleaded. "You could, you'll easily make top ten. Armin and Mikasa will follow you wherever you go, just please... don't go to them. I don't know... what I'd do..."

He started walking towards you as you spoke, and you hiccuped pathetically, about to lose the strength to stand.

"Don't go," you whimpered again weakly, meeting him halfway. He wrapped his arms around you, holding you in a tight embrace before you could fall, and pulled you closely against his chest. You gripped his jacket as if you'd blow away in the wind if you let him go.

You held onto each other for you didn't even care how long. The sun had gone down, preventing you from flying back with the 3DMG anyway, so there was no need to rush anymore. Eren drew lazy circles on your back with his fingers.

After a few minutes of silence, once your sobbing (finally) died down, he spoke. "[Name]... you don't really think I... don't care, do you? About... leaving you behind."

"What else am I supposed to think?" you sniffled, looking up at him. "You want to start something, but... what are we supposed to do in a week when we go our separate ways? What then? I don't just want some... but we can never have more. We both know that. And you act like it doesn't matter what will happen afterwards."

"[Name], I think about that every day," he confessed. "My greatest fear is that the walls will break again and I won't be here for you. That I'll come back from a mission and you won't be here anymore. You're not the only one that worries, you know."

"Then why do you want to get close to me so soon before you leave? It'll just make it hurt more later," you whispered. "It's easier just to let it go."

"Sure, it's easier just to ignore it and hope it goes away, but..." he said quietly. "Do you remember what I said to you our first night here?"

You looked up at him in confusion. "I'm sorry... no."

"You told me that you can't lose what was never yours," he explained. "So I told you that I learned that day in Shiganshina to never take a single thing for granted and that you were stupid to want to stay away from everyone to try and protect your heart. In the end, your heart will always just do what it wants, with or without your permission."

"Mostly without," you said bitterly.

You could feel, more than hear, his chest rumble with a deep laugh. "Mostly without," he agreed. "So, I want to cherish whatever time I have with you. Whether it will hurt later or not."

You couldn't find the words to reply to him. You'd never imagined... that he felt that way. It made so much more sense to you now. You could feel yourself heal a little bit at the thought.

"...I've never seen you cry before," he said thoughtfully.

You scowled. "That's because I don't cry. And if you don't shut up, I'll still kick your ass, crying or no."

There came that wonderful rumble again. "Hey, that's sure to make you smile! Let's try that!"

You giggled, sniffling against his shirt. "Eren. You're such a..."

"An idiot?" he offered helpfully.

"Yes. You're an idiot," you agreed fondly, laughing softly through your tears and nuzzling into his chest.

You remained silently in each other's company. You silently thanked Mina for her words from earlier.

It'll hurt more if you leave with nothing. Appreciate him while you still have him, and have those memories later.

You were going to do just that, but still...

"We can never have more than this, you know," you said sadly, pulling him towards you even more, if it was possible.

"I know," he replied.

"You're still going to go, aren't you." It wasn't so much a question as a statement.

You felt him sigh dejectedly by your ear. "I have to."

"I know," you said sadly. "You would never have gone anywhere else."

His arms tightened around you, before he pulled back, holding you at arm's distance. His eyes burned fiercely. "I promise you. I will win this war, for the both us. I'll come back to you."

"I know," you said solemnly.

He kissed your forehead, thumbing away the tears on either of your cheeks, before pulling you back into his arms. "Will you wait for me?"

Even if you would never be able to have more than this, than holding each other close; even if you both knew that his promise to end the war was an empty one; even if you were going against everything you had ever believed in your short time on earth, you didn't hesitate. Not for one second.

"Always," you said, for the first time not caring about what was certain to come. "Always."