Summary: Sometimes that little spark is still there waiting to burn again.
Disclaimer: I own nothing
After the amazing news Jesse had for all the fans yesterday, I managed to finish this chapter because I was so happy that it's official, Jophia is together. I wonder how many other "date nights" have happened before.
I hope you all enjoy and please inform me with reviews. They help me write quicker because it gives me inspiration.
Still Burning
Chapter Three
Erin didn't know what she wanted though. Why does life have to be complicated? She loved Jay, gosh more than anything but life and her kids and her feelings got in the way of that. Hank warned her time and time again prior to her marriage that weddings are fun and all but marriage are a work in progress all the time, you never stop working to make it better. She believed him but in her mind they were perfect.
Till one day it just hit her that they acted like roommates more than a married couple. Jay worked late nights and woke up early to go back into work again. And Erin she got up early, having not been able to fall asleep after awakening to Jay's alarm, and went into mom mode. Getting the kids dressed, fed, teeth brushed and off to school on time for returning home to clean and prepare for whatever needed to be done kid free. He took on the role of financial supporter and she took on the role of supporting the house from the inside.
By that point there was not intimacy. No alone time because nights usually were filled with a kid needing something or being awakened to a foot in your gut when Lola decides that there is a monster under the bottom bunk of the bunk beds she shares with Shelby that climbs up the ladder without waking Shelby up. And dates where non existing because finding a babysitter took money, and then planning something. Hank watched the kids but with Jay still working for Hank, hours of availability where once again irregular. It wasn't worth it when Erin didn't really know when Jay would officially be home.
There was no them left, no Halstead and Lindsay, no partners (married and working). They were redefined in these roles that neither imagined they'd be in.
Erin knew she should've discussed it with Jay when she fist saw the problems begin but it wasn't her to do that. She didn't know how to express her feelings towards him without feeling idiotic of embarrassed for feeling this way. It was new to her and new things terrified her completely.
Erin busied herself around the apartment packing up the rest of Jay's clothing and random crap that was left around the apartment. As well as putting the finishing touches on the Christmas decorations. Jay gave up on them the moment he gave her his ring back. Erin gave up hope.
The decorations were the worst to put up. The tree was done the previous weekend, but the rest was still needed. Pictures from previous holidays were to be placed out for every one to see, especially the ten years of Santa pictures were each one had a crying kid and one parent in it till last year. This year she didn't know when the picture will be taken.
The feeling where there still but the hurt and pain that came from him removing his ring made it sink in that she messed up and there's no going back from this. This was her fault and she was going to accept the consequences of it. She didn't know how to fix it or if it was even worth fixing.
Till she got a message from Jay that made her stop dead in her tracks.
"Next time you have issues with me, tell me don't tell Hank. He has no part in this. This is on you Erin. Fix yourself and then hopefully we can fix us."
Was this his peace offering? A little sign of hope that things will get better? She didn't know but she did know she needed help.
Erin never admits when she needed it. She was stubborn and strong willed. She would never resort to being desperate enough, at least in her mind, to need counseling. Counseling was for people not strong enough and Erin thought she was strong enough. She thought she could handle the world on her shoulders. But maybe this time the world was cracking on her shoulders, crushing her.
Reading his message again, and then once again Erin found the courage to call for help. It she needed help. She knew it. She needed someone to help her see that being a mother doesn't mean that she is incompetent to be anything else, that she should not be furious with Jay for continuing his career and continuing to support his family. She needed to accept it but she needed help with that.
She called him, praying silently that he'd answer her or at least not yell at her when he answered but he didn't. He hit ignore and she gave up for now deeming that he probably needs to calm down.
Till she got another text message.
"Taking the kids to the park and then Lola wanted to see Santa at the mall. I do not want to discuss anymore issues in front of them. You can meet us if you want."
He gave her an olive branch and she was going to take it.
A quick text message back from her informed him that she will gladly come, after all pictures with Santa were always her favorite thing to do with her kids. Even though it's just after thanksgiving, she knew it be crazy.
Throwing on an outfit that consisted of yoga pants and an oversized Army Ranger hoodie, which made her realize that once again she was wearing his clothes, and then a heavy coat to protect herself from the cold, she was out the door.
The walk to the park was not bad. It was quick, only one block away but it was Aidan's favorite place. The cold was something one does not get use too. It was freezing but the kids never realized as they ran around the playground equipment.
That's when Erin spotted Jay sitting on the bench across from her. She had to fight the nerves of going over there and just discussing everything like nothing was wrong but that was impossible when something was wrong between them.
"Hot chocolate?" He questioned holding up the to go cup from her favorite coffee place that was on the way from Will's apartment to the park. "Shelby stated we all needed it."
"Thanks," she grabbed it and sat down near him. She distanced herself on the bench, the space between them could be used to demonstrate them actually growing apart but she didn't mention anything. "I thought about what you said."
He looked over from the kids to her, kinking his eyebrow and nodding a response. He wasn't going to talk, he told himself that before. He was going to let her talk and just listen to what she had to say.
"I want to get help, and I don't ever admit that. You know that." Erin sucked in a breath before looking from her kids, who haven't seemed to notice she joined them, back to Jay. "I want that help but I want you there."
"I told you what I needed." Jay gave short, sweet answers.
"And I'm asking for you to be there with me. The last time I was in counseling, Jay, was when Nadia died. I had you there then and I need you there now."
"Why?" Jay questioned sipping the hot chocolate. "Why now?"
"Because," she paused staring at Lola, Aidan and Shelby, "because I don't think I can do it on my own. I'm not strong enough. You make me strong enough- if that makes sense."
"This is something you need to do on your own Erin."
"Whys that? I admitted I need your help Jay. I want to get better yet you keep pushing me away."
"Sounds familiar, huh?" He smirked proud of his response.
"Really? I'm asking for help. The old Jay would help me and anyone in need of it."
"Well people change Erin. It happens when you are pushed and shoved constantly." He ignored her look of pain on her face.
He's never denied her something like this before. The moment Erin needed help when Nadia had died Jay made it known he'd be there. But now, twelve years later he wanted little to do with it.
Erin understood his anger, just as much as she understood her own anger to him. She didn't justify it, what one feels is how they feel and there's no changing that. She could just change how she reacted to it. "I guess I'll just inform you when it is." She shrugged him off hoping that her comment was good enough for him.
"You do that." Jay sipped his hot chocolate, ignoring Erin's face. If he looked at her he'd give in and agree to help her. After discussing the mess with Will quietly, Will told him to let her deal with it. That Jay can not be the one fixing Erin every single time. She needs to grow strong enough to learn to fix herself. For some reason, Jay agreed with him.
"Mommy! You here!" Lola skipped over towards the cold mental bench. "You coming to see Santa with us?"
"I wouldn't miss it for the world, Baby Girl." Erin plastered a smiled once again on her face as she brushed Lola's tangled locks out of her eyes.
"Like my dress?" Lola unzipped her jacket showing off a red dress that sparkled in the sun light. "It sparkles Mommy! Shelby convinced Daddy that we needed new special outfits to wear. Daddy says we can wear them when we go to the cabin for Christmas!"
Erin looked over at Jay. She didn't know he made plans for Christmas, let alone would be the one taking the kids away from her for Christmas.
"We going with Uncle Will and maybe Grandpa James!"
Now Erin kinked her brow staring at him. She knew Jay's history with his father and the limited contact with the elder Halstead. Jay smirked back and simply stated "I can have my kids for Christmas. It's time to start a new tradition. Maybe going away will be good."
Erin told Lola to go play for a little longer because she's wondering about the elder Halstead. The man didn't make it to their wedding because of a fishing trip, nor did he manage to make it to see any of their three kids when they were born or even shortly after that. He wasn't interested in Jay's life so why would he be now? "So your dad?"
"People change as you said." Jay shrugged it off. "He hasn't officially said if he's coming, Erin. It's just talk right now but Will, me and my kids will be there."
"Do you really think that's smart Jay? He barely knows them and besides that, they'll be with me at Hank's like every Christmas. It will be better for them to wake up in their own beds with family."
"And they do have beds at the cabin and they will be with family." Jay sipped his hot chocolate nonchalant. "Just because it's not with your side doesn't mean they're not with family."
"I know that," she paused, "but your father Jay? He couldn't give a shit about any one of them. Now all the sudden he's into you."
"I'm taking the kids with me, Erin." Jay firmly stated. The cabin was his home away from home. It was his relaxing getaway that he used for so many years during his leave from the Army Rangers. It calmed him down. "If you don't like that take it up with the lawyer."
"Back to this?" Erin defended her stance. "I hired one because it was the right process. You know that. Now that I'm trying to fix things I haven't even spoken to him Jay."
"Well make sure you have him on speed dial when you fail." Jay threw his cup into the trash next to him.
"So supportive, aren't you?" Erin sarcastically stated with a simple eye role as she stood her ground. "Maybe a divorce would be easier because you are nothing but a jackass, Jay." Erin didn't want to stand around and let him provoke her even more but she needed to say one final thing, "you're accusing me of being like my mom well maybe you should look in the mirror because you're turning into your dad. No wonder your mom left you guys. It was better off for her."
"She died Erin, do you really think she had a fucking choice in the matter?" Jay couldn't believe that she actually just used his mother's death against him. "Fuck you, Erin."
"You want to compare me to me mom? Well then I'll damn sure find a way to compare you to your dad." Erin knew her comment was a low blow. The way Jay always talked about his mother as if she was on a pedestal was enough to know she was loved by her son. Even Shelby's middle name is to honor his mother, something Jay pushed for hard.
"Mom? Dad?" Shelby froze in her place in front of both her parents. If looks could break a heart, Shelby's would. "You're divorcing?"
"Shelby," Erin started but Jay cut her off. Erin wanted Shelby to know the truth, that sometimes parents divorcing is the best thing but that didn't mean they didn't love her. Them divorcing will be better for all three kids as they wouldn't have to witness arguments again.
"Do not concern yourself with this Shelby." Jay was stern in his voice. "This is an adult conversation."
"You two act more like kids than adults." The ten year old huffed crossing her arms over her chest.
"Enough, Shelby." Jay warned her. "Go grab your brother and sister and tell them it's time to go see Santa."
"You two are a bunch of babies." Shelby stomped off mumbling under her breath.
"This is on you." Jay picked right up again now that little ears were out of the area. "I told you what needed to be done and you didn't want to do it any way but yours. And once again I'll be the bad guy."
"I admitted it, Jay. I begged for help and you brushed it off and made some ass of a comment about me doing it on my own. Well I'm not fucking strong enough for that! Are you happy to hear that. I'm not strong enough because I'm scared that being strong will make me loose you but it seems like I already did." She huffed, the cold air penetrated her bones. "Am I not good enough for you anymore? Am I not good because I'm not strong, because I depend on you? Then so be it, Jay. So fucking be it. I'm tired of it."
Jay stood silent, unsure of how to respond. He fucked this mess up even more and he knew it but he now didn't know how to apologize for it. Should he apologize for taking Will's useless advice? Or for how he didn't offer her the help?
"Mommy?" Aidan spoke freaked out by the fight occurring.
"Give me a minute bud." Not wanting for her kids to see her break down, Erin just walked off for a moment. A moment to cool her self down, to process what just happened. A moment to think. It wasn't that she was running, she needed time to cool off and not snap at Jay in front of the kids.
"Daddy what did you do to mommy? You made her cry." Aidan looked angrily at his father. "Men don't make women cry! Papa told me that."
"Don't worry about her right now, she'll be okay." Jay tried to downplay it. But he knew he was only fooling himself. "Mommy's just emotional right now, guys. She'll be fine." He shrugged it off completely.
"You gotta apologize, dad." Shelby spoke up.
"And give her a hug and a kiss! Mommy makes Aidan and I do that when we mean to each other." Lola nodded her head. "It's the rules!"
"I'm sure she's fine right now, kids." Jay stated. "Why don't you all give her a hug and then we will see Santa?" Hugging his wife or soon to be ex wife would be strange for him. Those emotions would fly back, striking him hard. He needed the distance.
"But we didn't hurt her, you did." Lola stared at Jay. "You gotta make it better daddy."
Knowing the three kids would hound him until he made it better and apologized to Erin, "Go play a little longer" he told them as he tried his best to gain enough courage to walk away from them and over to Erin who sat on a bench facing the soccer and baseball fields. "Erin?"
Jay noticed her face in that moment. Her cheeks were rosy red from the cold and the tears that stained them, her eyes showed weakness and pain as tears continued to fall from them.
"What Jay?" Erin hissed with such venom as a defense. She didn't know if he was going to come over to tare her down again so she protected herself by hissing at him. "Did you come over here to belittle me once again?"
"No," he sighed sitting on the bench next to her. "What happened to us, Erin?" He asked so serious. "We never would've said any of the shit we did. Somethings not right." It wasn't an apology but it was almost like a cry for help, a cry to determine what went wrong between them. "There's so much anger between the two of us I just don't know any more."
"Is that your apology?" Erin looked up with her tears still falling.
"It's a start." Jay offered a short smile to her. "I am sorry Erin." He gave in to his own wants, ignoring what everyone told him previously. "I really am. I shouldn't have compared you to your mom because you're nothing like her at all." He was sincere. Erin to him was nothing like Bunny Lindsay. Bunny was an ignorant, abusive and neglectful mother. Erin was the opposite. She was hands one, always volunteering at the schools for her kids, cheering them on at any activity the chose to do. She was there when Bunny wouldn't even allowed Erin to be. She over compensated for times she missed out on having a supportive mother around.
Falling in with Jay's apology, Erin grew a back bone and apologized. "I'm sorry I brought up your mother. I know if I got a chance to meet her she'd be an amazing person. Especially if she got to meet the kids. She's be enjoying every single minute with them."
"I know she would." Jay agreed. They sat in silence until Jay spoke again. "Erin?"
"Yeah?" Erin looked up.
"It will be okay." It was a promise Jay was giving her but she didn't believe it.
"I'm not so sure I believe that right now." She said so seriously. "I don't know what to believe right now Jay."
"I'll help you if you need it, Erin but counseling is something you need to do for yourself. Not because I told you too." Jay spoke softly.
"I want to make us work Jay. I want to for us and for them." She turned around to check on the three kids. Aidan was running around like a wild child and Shelby was pushing Lola on the swing. She do anything for them and if fighting to prove her and Jay are good together than so be it.
"Me too Erin." Jay nodded in agreement with her. "I'm serious though. If you want the help, I'll help you get it but you need to do it for you."
"And I'm willing too." Erin stated staring at Jay now.
"We'll figure this out." Jay reached over and grabbed Erin's hand with a tight squeeze.