Summary: Sometimes that little spark is still there waiting to burn again.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Here is, finally, the next chapter! I know, I know, it was delayed but I want you all to know that I actually started writing this a while ago and never finished till now. But now I have and you all can tell me what you think!
Also I have an idea for a new story:
Beautiful Drug: The red dress, lipstick and heals pulled him in and got him hooked. He became addicted and he wanted even more, more than he could know.
^ please let me know what you think if I should actually write it!
Still Burning
Chapter Four
Jay nervously paced around the city sidewalk outside of the building attached to the local hospital that housed different doctor offices. The tall building made his nerves wreck inside. In there they'd discuss feelings, emotions, their relationship- past and present- and might discuss their family as a whole- kids and all.
It was Friday- a little over two weeks from when they met at the park and took a family outing to the local Santa Claus. Jay decided to take a sick day today. His nerves from the meeting were enough to drive him over the edge, distract him enough to take his mind of of the cases that presented itself over the weekend. It was a plus that they had their monthly parent teacher conference with Aidan's teacher as well as the children's holiday concert at the local elementary school.
Checking his watch, Jay decided enough was enough with waiting in the icy cold weather of the city and made his way inside the lobby and up the elevator to the fourth floor. Opening that door made him even more nervous.
Jay's done the counseling thing- being an Army Ranger who lost many members while serving his country, made it mandatory. He's participated to get into the academy, and to become a detective. But it was never personal, it wasn't because he was going to loose something or someone that meant the world to him.
Jay knew Erin was already in with the counselor, doing her own private counseling session prior to having the couples counseling to fix everything. He informed the secretary, checking himself in before sitting in the small waiting room in those white uncomfortable plastic chairs.
"Jay?" The counselor opened the wooden door. The counselor was an older women who stood almost as tall as Erin. Her hair was streaked with gray and white indicated how stressful this job was or the fact that it was showing her age. "You can come in now. We'll get started shortly. I want to discuss what Erin and I talked about prior to starting in on helping you two."
"Okay," Jay shrugged sitting in a comfortable leather seat that sat adjacent to Erin. This was the moment he took Erin in; actually looking at her and noticing things about her. Erin's once perfection in her day-to-day look must have been thrown out the window for today. Her hair was done naturally- a messy form of waves that fell above her shoulders. Her once loved make up was replaced with a natural look do to her eyes being bloodshot and cheeks stained with tears; a silent indication was the tissues bundled within her right fists. Her outfit was simple, once again Jay's sweatshirt and a pair of skinny jeans that showed off what three kids did to her body and a pair of fur-lined boots covered her feet for warmth. To Jay, she still looked gorgeous.
"Erin would you like to explain?" The counselor asked politely starting the conversation. "Discuss how you're feeling or what we discussed earlier. Anything really, it's up to you."
Jay couldn't help but stare up at the clock and bouncing his leg up and down- something he use to do when the kids wouldn't stop crying as a baby. He didn't want to be there but was there for Erin. The clock helped him count down the minutes left, 59 minutes and counting.
"I guess," Erin paused trying to come up with the perfect way to say things without making Jay go on the defense. Between her and the counselor, the past hour was spent discussing her resentment and how to address it with Jay. It was something that build within her over time and she didn't know how to do it on her own. "I guess…"
"You guess what?" Jay snapped at her. Do to his nerves, Jay was a bit touchy. He didn't mean it, but he didn't want to waste the $100 an hour session on Erin not being able to formulate why she was acting the way she was.
"Jay, let Erin come up with it her own way without you jumping on her please." The counselor became a mediator. "It's important."
"Jay," Erin started to speak once again. This time she had a sentence formed within her mind. A perfect sentence that Erin prayed that it came out how she wanted it to. "I just… I just can't be Erin the mother anymore." It wasn't all she had to say nor was it her perfect sentence (that she was just to scared to repeat allowed for Jay to hear).
"And I said already then do something about it." Jay repeated nonchalantly. "I mean it. We didn't need to come all down here just for you to say that."
"Yeah but I don't think you know." Erin stared at him. "I really don't think you understand. Me going back to the squad- if Hank even lets me- then it's a change for everyone. You'll need to help out more, do more to make sure the kids are at school or picking them up from school if that means leaving work early so be it. There's a change in everything."
"Yeah," Jay went along with it, composing his thoughts. "But all this is you Erin. You're need to change everything that was working out oh so well for the family, a now nonexistent family."
"Okay, let's back up a little." The counselor butted herself into the conversation, leaning her elbows on her knees. "Erin want you to understand her right now, Jay. Listen and just let her speak- please. This is important for her."
"And what? Let her speak all this high and mighty stuff about wanting to be in the field again? Leaving the kids behind with the risk of them loosing both parents because she doesn't want to go through the plan we have? Or is it sit here and let her dream in la-la land that we will just return back to normal since she decided she doesn't want to divorce today?"
"I didn't want to in the first fucking place!" Erin screamed knowing her language wasn't the most appropriate but she was an angry curser that sometimes let words slip when her blood boiled. "I didn't want it at all but you pushed me Jay. You fucking pushed me to the edge with your refusal to change or see anything wrong."
"Okay," The counselor once again broke into the conversation before it got too far once again. "I think you both want to try and understand each other but screaming and cursing is not going to help. Being an adult means being able to talk through a conversation instead of screaming. Let's start at the beginning, shall we?"
Jay shrugged his shoulders and Erin nodded brushing the tears away from her cheeks.
"Okay, Erin when was the first time you felt resentment towards Jay, or maybe going back further- maybe any resentment towards anyone in general. It's important to recognize it."
"I guess with Jay it came when everyone was discussing their day with drinks at Molly's and I was not invited because of said kids. I got forgotten about in the shuffle and it seemed Jay didn't even want to come home anymore. Shelby was in her sassy five-year-old stage, Aidan was a terror at two and Lola was I think three or four months." Erin looked at her hands, really thinking about things. "I was alone all the time. My company was my kids. I had no one."
Jay didn't even remember that time because he's been to Molly's countless times and also, it's been half a decade between then and now. "Why would one incident of me going to Molly's with probably Ruzek and Atwater have anything to do with you resenting me? I let you have time off to hang with Burgess, isn't that the same thing?"
"Maybe it was for you, Jay but think of Erin. Home with three young children and her friends are moving on without her, friends she spent daily with until what, your son was born?" The counselor assumed. "Say you had Erin's job, because raising three kids is a job, and your friend's started pushing you away, not inviting you to things because out of sight out of mind, right? Well Erin felt hurt from this and it was the ground work for the resentment."
Nor really believing that going out once would cause such resentment to build, Jay voiced his opinion. "So you're telling me this is all my fault? Putting the blame on me when Erin caused some also. If she told me she wanted to go to work again, fine we'd make it work. But no, she never said anything at all."
"I shouldn't have too." Erin spoke. "You should've known."
"I'm not a fucking mind reader, Erin."
"Jay, please resort to not using that language in here or within a conversation with your wife."
"I'm sorry but she assumes all the damn time. It's like I'm supposed to know when to help out or do this or that? How was I supposed to know?"
"Because I might have not said it but I damn sure gave you clues." Erin hissed. "Jay, Hank was more there for me than you were. You're a great father- I won't deny that- but you're in a fog as soon as you get home, if you even get home in time to see them."
"Don't you dare tell me that. I made sure I was home almost every fucking night." He wasn't going to sit here and take that, he knew it wasn't true. His father disengaged from himself and Will, why in God's name would he do that to his own kids?
"Okay, now." The counselor spoke. "We have five more minutes left in this session and I would really appreciate if you two both came back in a week and we worked through this more. Till then I have some homework for you. Tonight I want you two to go on a date. Just the two of you- no kids. During this time, get to know each other again. Find out each other's interests and hobbies are again; relive those dating years."
"You expect us to be calm and dandy by tonight?" Jay spoke apprehensively.
"Well Erin did tell me you both have to focus on the kids this afternoon, and that may help letting your minds relax from this conversation. Put it all on the back burner and start fresh. One date a week make it. Next week we will pick up from were we ended and discuss how the date went. Focus on each other with no distractions- it will help if you allow it too."
Erin and Jay both looked at her like she had eight heads, neither believing it but willing to try.
"I have one more thing before you two can leave." The counselor smiled softly at them both, "Jay I'm going to ask you a question and Erin I'm going to ask you the same one too."
Erin and Jay looked at each other and then the counselor.
"Jay, when you look to the future, do you still see yourself with Erin?"
Jay nodded in agreement, "Of course I do. Why wouldn't I?"
The counselor wrote quick notes down and turned her attention to Erin, "Erin, do you see Jay?"
"Yes," Erin responded simply.
"Then we will figure this out and make it work. We will strip away the layers and walls put up by both of you and take you back to the beginning again. it will be a lot of work, but I think the two of you can do it."
-CPD-
The uncomfortableness continued to follow them through out the rest of the day. A short break in between seeing each other, left them meeting an hour later at Aidan's parent teacher conference which it was then announce that Aidan's behave had improved slightly over the past week but was not constant enough to have the meetings adjusted to a longer period of time in between them. Aidan was becoming the class clown and he was only in kindergarten.
Next it was on to the holiday concert which Erin knew Shelby prepared for all the previous weekend spending countless amount of minutes on the phone with her two best friends in a three-way phone call to determine what would be deemed an appropriate outfit for their holiday concert. All three deciding on horrible christmas sweaters before Erin made Shelby hang up to get ready to go to Jay's for the night. Aidan on the other hand was making both parent's nervous. The goofy boy was sure enough warned not to act out but with an audience filled with individuals- parents and teachers- made it a dream for him.
"Papa!" Lola's attention was grabbed by Hank who walked over to the three. Lola sprinted passed Jay into Hank's awaiting arms. "Hi Papa!"
"Hey Kid. How are you?"
"Bored to death." Lola dramatically expressed. "I'm too young for this!"
"Didn't they sit through your school play before?" Hank pointed out laughing. "I think you'll be fine siting through theirs."
"If you say so." Lola shrugged her shoulders and slid down from Hank's arms before walking over to Jay. "Daddy, Papa gonna sit with us."
"You two looking mighty close again." Hank whispered in Erin's ear.
"Don't even start, Hank. Not today, please." Erin didn't need to defend or discuss what was happening between husband and wife with the man who became a father to her. She just wanted to get through today and make sure this dinner ends up actually enjoyable.
"I'm just trying to look out for you, Erin." Hank let out a sigh.
"Yeah I don't need you too. I can look out for myself. We'll talk tomorrow, okay?" Erin didn't even look at Hank.
Lola spent the rest of the time sitting quietly with both parent's knowing something was going on but she didn't speak of anything. "Mommy you okay? If not Daddy will make it better." Lola spoke as they exited the school gym after the concert.
"I'm okay Sugar Plum." Erin smiled softly, hoping that will lessen her daughter's worry. "I'll be okay."
"If not daddy goes back into time out at Uncle Will's?"
"Baby," Jay, who originally stayed silent through the conversation, spoke up. "I'm not in time out right now, okay? Mommy and I are just going through some things right now."
"Is that why Uncle Ruzek says you need more in the sack?"
"Do not listen to him, Lola." Erin hushed trying to hid her laughs because she knew Lola had no clue what she just said meant. "Okay, you're going to go with Papa for the night."
"Papa will give me ice cream for dinner." Lola shook her hips, flaunting her sassy attitude. "He always does."
"And that is something that will never happen again since you spilled my secrets. What happens at Papa's…"
"Stays at Papa's." Lola completed the sentence. "Come on I have so many movies to tell you all about Paps! Stop being an old man!"
"You heard her." Erin laughed loudly. "Bye old man. I'll pick them up tomorrow morning?"
"Watch it, I determine if you get that job again." He walked away.
"Shelby and Aidan get out in two hours, Hank. Don't forget!" Erin yelled after them.
"I'll see you later?" Jay offered having no buffer between them anymore.
"Yeah, umm…. Where do you want to go?" Erin looked at her feet.
"I'll pick you up 5. Be ready." Jay smirked at her. To him in this moment she looked more beautiful than anyone could ever imagine. She looked like the Erin he loved tremendously. The quirky Erin that became nervous and looked at her feet- a tall tale sign that she was nervous. He chuckled a little. "Want a ride home?" It was cold and windy, a typical Chicago December day. Jay was being nice right now knowing Erin would have to get on the subway to make it home.
"Yeah, ummm, sure." She stumbled mumbling a bit.
Jay placed his hand gently on the curve of her back, guiding her to the car. Erin felt something in his touch. A spark- a spark that she's missed feeling. The heat from his hand made it all over her body. "Let's get you home."
The car ride was another silent ride, but Erin needed the touch of Jay. It was something inside of her. It was something that she missed terribly. The way Jay knew exactly were to touch her just to gave her the feel of a being loved, yet teasingly knowing they sent her off.
"Tonight," Jay paused weaving through the traffic on the way to the condominium. "Tonight, we are going to someplace that you are too dress nice in." Jay hinted about it, not giving anymore of a clue. He had a plan and even called a reservation in when he skipped out into the bathroom right before they picked up Lola.
"But," Erin finally looked up. "I don't know what to wear." She processed every outfit in her head that she has in the walk-in closet that was her dream come true when they moved in out of the loft apartment that they were newlyweds in. "I don't have anything to wear."
Jay knew this was a lie because there was one dress that made Jay week at his knees whenever Erin wore it to a wedding or some other fancy event that they were barely invited too these days. "The red one."
"Jay," Erin hesitated. "I don't think I can pull that off anymore. That was pre-Lola. My body isn't that good anymore."
"Trust me when I say this, Erin, you can definitely wear it still." He was always that voice of reasoning whenever Erin felt down about herself, he was there to pick her back up again.
"Yeah, we'll see." She was suddenly glad she had the four hours till date night, enough time for her to go out and find another dress.
"Erin," Jay pulled up in front of the building. "You're beautiful, and hell you look exactly the same as you did before having Lola. I wished you believed that." Jay placed his one hand on Erin's thigh, squeezing it to show he meant what he said. "I'll see you tonight, okay?"
"I'll see you then." Erin climbed out with a smile on her face. She felt giddy; almost like it was a brand new start. She felt like a kid having their first crush ask them out. It was a start, and Erin felt like it was one she was not going to regret.
So next chapter will be date night! I hope you enjoyed this chapter! I know it's a little late but it's been a busy three weeks! It's not really an excuse, but I just hope you all know I tried for a while to write this, unsure of how I wanted it to go. I hope this is okay! Please let me know!