Summary: Sometimes that little spark is still there waiting to burn again.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
So here is the final installment of this story. Sorry it took some time. Life once again got in the way and my mind is going crazy with new ideas. I hope you all enjoy it! Please let me know what you think.
Still Burning
Chapter Five
"Man, stop the fucking pacing around. It's just Erin- no one else." Will laughed at Jay's nervous behavior. His poor brother was pacing the length of the apartment trying to at one point talk himself out of going and the other convincing himself to go. "Chug a beer and move on."
"It's a lot harder than you think."
"How is it hard? You're going to dinner with your wife, wife of ten years might I point out. You know her and she knows you."
"Yeah but still, we never get the chance to do this. I didn't even think we'd ever get the chance too." Jay was being serious. In his mind husband and wife were no more; both having to move on and start the process of finding love all over again.
"So be happy, don't mope around here scared to death. It's a good thing, Jay. Enjoy it."
"But what do we even talk about, Will? The damn counselor said no discussing the kids, well what else is there?"
"You really don't know what else is there to talk about?" He look at his brother like he was stupid. "You talk about each other. Ask her about herself. Get to know your wife again, man."
"I think I pretty much know her by now."
Will sighed as Jay was not comprehending anything he was saying. "For real, get to know her. Ask her about her wants and dreams. Be there to support her. Maybe it will allow you to move out of my damn guest bedroom and back into your own house again."
"Yeah, uh..." Jay stumbled over his words. "I don't even know if this is going to work. I mean I can get out of here- get a hotel or something."
"Jay, stay but the minute your girl wants you home go home to her. You both need each other. Make it work." Will insisted snatching the beer Jay just opened. "Now quit stealing my beer and go get Erin."
A quick glance at his watch, Jay slipped his suite jacket on and made his way over to were his coat was. "I guess I can head out."
"You're not going to regret giving Erin a chance. You need her just as much as she needs you. Allow it to happen. Don't be defensive. If she discusses wanting to work again, allow it because if you deny her that she may push back again." He gave him advise, "but have fun and forget about the real world for a little. Remember no discussing the brats."
"Brats?" Jay raised a brow to that comment.
"Ya know those little buggers? The ones that you have three of for some obnoxious reason." Will made it know from the beginning that he will never be a father- it wasn't for him. He didn't want the responsibility but he would be a damn good uncle, as long as he can give them back when they start complaining or annoying the crap out of him. "Anyway, that's besides the point. The point is that you my friend need to sweet talk your girl into becoming back on her good side again."
"I have some feeling that I shouldn't ask you how, but for the intent of wasting time what do you think is a good way to sweet talk your possible soon to be ex wife maybe even will stay your wife?" Jay took Will's advice always with a grain of salt. It was never the correct advice, usually had some humor thrown in or some bad stories but somehow it helped even if it told him what not to do.
"Welcome to dating 101, where's Ruzek when you need him?" Will hissed under his breath. "That boy will have answers because God knows how many times he had to sweet talk back to Burgess's good side. But one thing I do know is impress her tonight but don't talk yourself up. Give her flowers, but no gift. Give her a nice dinner, let her decide the drink or whatever or even let her decide what to do after."
"I was just planning on dinner..." Jay didn't really think the night through. He thought dinner would be a great start and from there they would decide.
"Not good enough." Will rambled on, pulling out date ideas. "It's too cold for a walk in the park or on the path by the lake- man, those are the best easily romantic parts. Maybe take her to see Christmas lights? I have no clue."
"Christmas lights?" Jay didn't know if that suggestion would even work.
"After dinner take her to down town to the store fronts and what not. That shit best be decorated for Christmas by now. I mean they start commercials in October it seems."
"I guess that would work..." Jay shrugged since he had no other plans.
"Now chug the beer and go get him tiger. My little brother is going on a fucking date finally. Praise the man upstairs he's getting lucky tonight. You truly need it."
With the last chug of his beer, Jay wanted out of there. "Bye."
"I do not expect you back until late- early morning-ish." Will called after him, "hopefully morning."
Once a path that he hated to drive, a path that he knew would end in a fight, and one that took under ten minutes took longer for rush hour traffic. Jay was a nervous mess as he stopped in the local florist that was at the corner of their block.
"What's the special occasion today, Jay?" The florist knew his name. He's been there so many times. "Angry fight to make up? Anniversary? Birthday? Just because?"
"Is there one that just is for saying "I love you"?" Jay questioned sticking his hands in his pockets. He use to, when they first moved into this condominium get Erin flowers all the time- especially when she was home pregnant and he was working. Sometimes they were delivered, others he brought them himself to her. Both times he knew Erin loved the special jester of appreciation, a simple acknowledgement of love. "On top of I'm sorry let's start over?"
"I'll see what I can do." The florist shook her head. "Now what are Erin's favorite flowers? Any idea?"
Erin wasn't really a roses girl, they were too commonly given out these days. Jay thought hard to what he knew to be her favorite flowers- even thinking back to what flowers were in her bouquet on their wedding day. "Peonies."
"In any particular color?"
"I'm not sure."
"I have blush, lavender and white."
"All of them? I mean I'm not good at this- you know that." Jay sighed wishing he knew which one Erin would like better. "Blush and white. Those she had in her bouquet." The little detail came to him quickly. "With roses."
"I think we got something here." In no time at all, the florist put together the most beautiful flower set in a vase that Jay himself is proud of helping. The white and blush peonies filled the vase with random placement of light pink roses was perfect.
"You always pull through for me, Gail."
"That's because you've been coming here for everything Jay. Now go get your girl with these. The next time I see you I want it to be a happy occasion."
"You got it Gail." Jay waved goodbye and heading down the street to the building.
The old building is what Erin wanted, a converted warehouse turned into 2-4 bedroom condominium that were filled with families all around. Their own unit, a nice three bedroom had views of downtown through the windows that went floor to ceiling. The roof deck, their own for just them, was enough for the outside space for the kids when they had all those little toys like the basketball net, tricycles and more. It was good for them now and is still great for them.
Jay felt awkward as he stood in front of the door knocking. It was his own home and here he stood on the outside with no key anymore to get in.
"It's open Jay!" Erin screamed loudly and Jay heard her high heels clicking on the old wooden floors. "I'll be ready in a few."
Jay let himself in, standing awkwardly by the front door and he placed the vase on the table by the front door that Erin needed to drop the junk collected in her arms every day when she walked into the house. The place didn't change since he's left it. All the piles of toys and kids messes where contained in baskets on a shelving system that Jay cursed out multiple times trying to put together when it was only Shelby. The couch, an L shaped sectional that Jay was sure Aidan was conceived on, still sat directly in front of the seventy inch television he had to have for his sporting games.
He didn't know what to do so he followed Erin's voice down the hall to their bedroom "Erin?" Jay calls out walking the hallway lined with family photos of them together, the kids Christmas photos that Erin needed every year and the school photos since back when Shelby was in preschool with her goofy smile. "Holy fuck."
He was at a loss for words. Erin stood in front of him, zipping up the side of her newer red dress as it was one Jay's never seen before. Her hair was in slight curls, and the smokey eye make up made her green eyes pop. Her heels where black stilettos that made her legs look like they go on forever. She looked like a model.
"I look okay right?" Erin turned embarrassed by Jay's reaction.
"More than okay, Erin. You look absolutely beautiful." Jay stared at her once again. He couldn't remove his eyes from her.
"Really?" Erin blushed again, "I wasn't sure about the dress. Kim went out with me for shopping and made me get it. I can always change..."
"Oh hell no. You are staying in that damn dress. I think I have a new favorite dress." He pulled her into a hug, falling back into how they began their relationship years ago prior to kids and life getting in the way, back when it was just them. Whispering in her ear, "personally, I don't want to let other people see you in this thing. I'd rather see it off you."
The tension sexually has always been there. Even when their relationship, communication wise, was suffering the sex never did.
"I spent a pretty penny on this dress and I'm damn sure going to show it off." Even as she was nervous about the dress, she felt a wave of confidence in it knowing it did its purpose so far. The dress ended a good three inches above her knee, hugging her curves tightly as it had a deep v in the front showing the perfect amount of cleavage and a v in the back letting Jay know Erin's going bra-less for the night.
"But truly Erin, you look beautiful." Jay cupped her cheek. He thought this whole date would be nerve wrecking but for some reason they fell into place. Everything was going smoothly. Their emotions, the way they were still drawn to each other was still there. Through all the shit that went down they were still them. "Absolutely beautiful."
Erin nervously pulled away not know what exactly to do. She loved the compliments but at the same time they wrecked her to the core. They made her nervous, extremely nervous but she didn't want those nerves to get to her. "Want to head out?"
"Uh, yeah. Sounds good." He placed his hand on the small of her back guiding her out of their place.
"Where too?" Erin wanted to know since Jay dropped her off earlier in the day.
"I'll show you." He wanted to keep it a secret. He knew Erin's favorite type of food- anything Italian: pizza and pasta. He knew of friends in the restaurant business. He called some friends for a little help and got a reservation for one of the best Italian places in Chicago, La Sarcola.
"Shelby called earlier." Erin spoke softly. "She's really excited about this weekend. Hank is taking them to the aquarium. I don't know why he thinks it's gonna be easy."
"Does he know how Lola is with any animals?"
"I'm not sure," she laughed genuinely, "I think he just wants us to have all the time we possibly be can or need. He offered to take them more."
Jay shrugged, he didn't know if he wanted Hank to have more time with his kids. The way he treated Jay, only to protect Erin- according to Erin, was enough to scare him. What if Hank pulled this crap again the next time Erin and him get in a fight? Jay would die of embarrassment and at the death of his step in father in law. "Maybe." It was a simple response because he didn't want to get involved in a fight.
"Okay," Erin accepted it, staring out the window trying to find something that would inform her where they were going. Without any luck, or her bet of Jay driving a different rout. "So..."
Erin paused, "this is weird. I don't know what to talk about Jay."
He didn't want to breach this subject but knew it was a must. "Did you talk to Hank about your job?" There must be some steps Erin has to go through as it has been practically 10 years since she quit for their kids.
"Uh, yeah." Erin nodded softly. "He said if I pass the exam again, the jobs mine."
"I guess that's good for you, you sure do love exams." Jay teased remembering all those years of taking their fire arm exams with their unhealthy competition between the two.
"Eh," Erin shrugged. "I want to go back, I really do but there's something holding me back. Like nerves or I'm not sure. Maybe I'm just scared? I've been home for so long; so long from being in the field that I don't know if it's for me anymore. I'm worried. Before all I had to worry about was you and Hank. Now I have you two and the kids along with myself."
"You don't need to go back if you don't want too. I'm not forcing you."
She nodded in agreement with him, "I know but I can't stay home anymore. I need to do something for myself. Something that will help others."
"Erin, this whole mess started because you wanted to get out and get back in the field." Jay knew he held some of the blame but in his mind it pushed it away. Erin strung him along for a while, declaring their relationship completely garbage. Now with her change of mind, Jay wasn't sure anymore once again.
"That is not true and you know it, Jay." She thought they moved passed this in therapy but she was wrong. "I wanted to become more than just a mother again. I wanted to do something for me, and not have to worry if you'll be there to pick up the slack because I know you wouldn't. You get so wrapped up in everything that we all get pushed aside for work."
He didn't want to fight, so Jay calmly took a deep breath before speaking again. "I didn't try to push you all aside. That was the last thing I wanted to do. It was and still is hard balancing work and family life. I have a job that I maybe called to come back in the moment I step through the door. I can't change that no matter how hard I try too. When you needed me it was the same time Voight would call and say there was a new case. What was I supposed to do? Tell him I can't come right now my wife needs me? That wouldn't fly with him."
"I know but maybe he'd make an exception."
"You and I both know that's a lie, Erin."
Erin shrugged, "what other options do we have? I don't know what I want. If you want to work there still, I'm not sure what we will do."
"So it's an ultimatum now? Either I quit and we stay together or I stay and the divorce goes through? What do you want me to do if I leave Erin? I worked there and the army. Would you rather me return back to being a Ranger again? They're always asking us to join again."
"So you'd leave us once again and maybe for good this time?" Erin was stunned. It wasn't really an ultimatum that she wanted to give him.
"That's the thing Erin. I don't want to leave you all. Hell I never do when I leave every morning." Jay sighed frowning. "I just don't know what else to do. I can't promise you I'll be home every night for dinner but I can promise I can try my best to be. If I can't I'll call and let you know. I just don't want to loose you or the kids." He ended with a confession.
"You're close to loosing us already." She mumbled but he heard every single word.
"What do I have to do, Erin? At this point I'd do anything." Jay felt like he was going to breakdown. There was something truthful in this conversation that made him realize this could be it. This could be the last time he'll get a chance to actually take his wife out on a date because in a matter of days or weeks those divorce papers will end up at his doorstep for him. He didn't want the divorce, he might of said he did out of anger, but anger makes you do stupid things. "Please tell me."
"I think I just need time to figure out myself, Jay." Erin was honest, completely honest with him. They always say you can't love somebody else until you love yourself. Erin was going to learn how to love herself in her role as mother. She was going to love herself no matter what happens between her and Jay. "I don't know what I want to do, or who I want to be."
"There's other options besides joining back the squad." Jay pulled up to the restaurant. "Your favorite." He smiled softly. "I pulled some strings because I thought you deserve the best."
"Jay..." Erin blushed not sure if she should comment on the other options or comment on how he knew her favorite place- which he should because the amount of times he had to drive across town for take out from there whenever Erin was pregnant as she used the common line in their house "what baby wants, mama will eat".
"We can stop this conversation and just have fun enjoying your favorite food." He added a playful wink. "Besides, this is the one place that I know you'll even eat more than me."
"Jay Halstead, are you calling me fat?" Erin sat stunned, playfully mimicking his behavior, as Jay opened the passenger door for her.
"I would never in a million years call you fat, Er."
Because she wasn't fat. She was still a twig like she was when they first met. Three kids did nothing but widen her hips.
"Good answer, boy." Erin teased as Jay place his hand in the curve of her back guiding her towards the entrance and from there right to their table.
The dinner started of silent. It was difficult for either of them to come up with things to discuss that were not about the kids. At this point in their lives, all they had in common were their kids. Erin wanted to tell Jay about what Shelby's latest report was on, or how Lola continues to draw her family but explains it how she has two houses so she draws two houses with the one family in front of it- even Will and Hank made it on there. But that would bring up the topic of were are they going from here and Erin wasn't sure of that answer.
"Erin," Jay spoke up first breaking the awkward silence. "You know I'm sorry right? I'm sorry that I was dead set on you leaving work for the kids and I'm sorry that you held resentment to me work and being gone." Erin looked at Jay and could tell he meant it. His face looked terrified at the fact the he realized he would loose everything he loved. "But I'm mostly sorry for comparing you to your mom. You're nothing like her."
"It's okay, Jay." She wasn't sure herself but she would accept his apology if it meant him smiling again. "I don't think I'll go back, at least till Lola's in school full time. Maybe I'll see if Platt needs any help at the desk or volunteer at the school. They're always looking for volunteers. It will give me something to do to get out of the house."
"It's up to you. What ever you want to do or become I'll support you Erin."
"Do you think about going back to the Army Rangers again?" The question has been playing on Erin's mind since he threatened to go back during their car ride.
Jay stiffened his shoulders. "The Rangers were good for me at some point in my life. They allowed me to do something that had a purpose. To give me something to achieve. The boot camps, the trainings and the deployments helped make me better but the things I saw on those deployments are things I never want to see again." He paused. "They still send letters trying to get us back because let's face it, they need us. A lot of my buddies went into the private security sector in those areas. Good money, but it takes you away from everything. I don't want to be away from you or the kids. Being away during the week is hell enough. I couldn't imagine doing it for months at a time. At this point, I cant see myself going back."
"I think if you did, I'd make an awesome Army Wife like that horrible Lifetime show. But on the other hand I don't think our kids are set out to be Army brats."
"You and your horrible soaps." Jay laughed knowing exactly how Erin's DVR looked like. "I would never put them in that spot."
"I know you wouldn't." Erin truly knew that. "And my soaps are not horrible, well all of them aren't horrible."
"Keep telling yourself that, Lindsey." He playfully teased.
The conversation continued just like ones they use to have throughout dinner. Erin and Jay both relaxed, and enjoyed each other's company more than previously.
"I had fun tonight." Erin whispered softly when they pulled in front of their once shared home. "A lot of fun."
"Me too," Jay nodded in agreement with her. "I think this was our test and I sure as hell think we passed it."
"I'm still scared Jay." She looked at her hands before her eyes fell to meet his. "I'm scared if I let you in, it will just cause more hurt- more pain."
"I can't promise you I'll never hurt you again, Erin. But I can promise you I'll try to never hurt you." Jay made a promise to himself that he'd never hurt her again. He couldn't because the fear of loosing the one he loves, his best friend and his three kids was too great for him.
"Want to come up?" Erin initially hesitated to ask Jay this because she didn't know if it was moving too fast. "It's okay if you don't want too. I was just wondering if you want to watch a movie or something."
"I'd like that." Jay smiled climbing out of the car.
It was something in him that felt like this was different. The fire was still burning between them and he was going to keep it burning for as long as he could.