A/N: Chapter 21! Please enjoy reading this and please review.

Summary: Izaya has been having headaches lately and when more symptoms appear he decides to go to the hospital. There he gets to hear that he has brain cancer.

Disclaimer: I don't own Durarara!

Izaya felt himself being pulled out of a dreamless sleep. He was confused. Why was he waking up? He could remember how he had started cutting both his wrists, but what happened after that was a complete mystery. How had he even passed out in the end? And how had he survived it? Since it seemed like he was still alive.

Slowly he opened his eyes and blinked a few times, trying to make them adjust. He tried to lift one of his hands to rub at his eyes, but he noticed that they stopped by something. He tried to pull once more, but it didn't work and it seemed like his arms were strapped to the bed.

He lifted his head a bit from the pillows and now he could confirm that they were indeed strapped to the bed, probably to prevent him from hurting himself again. He could also see that his wrist were bandaged, probably because of the wounds he had made.

Izaya felt tears welling up. Why couldn't they have let him die? Why? He wanted to, so why couldn't they even grant him that? Soft sobs started escaping from his mouth and he didn't even notice when someone moved beside him until he felt a hand slip in his own.

Izaya turned his head to the side seeing Shizuo look at him with concerned eyes.

"Izaya?" The blonde spoke softly as if scared to speak any louder.

"Why?" Was all Izaya could muster before he broke into sobs again. He felt Shizuo move and soon he felt the blonde's arms wrap around his upper body holding him close. "Why did I have to live Shizuo? Why?" He yelled through the sobs and he could feel the blonde's hold tighten.

"Don't think like that. Don't think that you should have been dead." Shizuo said softly and lifted one of his hands to stroke the raven's hair. "Don't let it get to you, you're fine." Izaya could only lay limply in the blonde's hold, crying his eyes out while sobs escaped his lips.

"Shizuo?" When he had calmed down for a bit he dared to say the blonde's name softly.

"What's wrong?" The blonde's voice was gentle, more than he had ever expected the blonde's voice to be.

"Nobody cares about me." Izaya said silently. "Everyone would rather have me dead."

"That's not true." Shizuo started. "I care about you." But he saw the raven look doubtfully at him. "I really do Izaya. Trust me, I really do."

"No, that can't be true!" Izaya started yelling. "You're only doing this out of pity, you don't care for me at all!" The raven kept yelling.

"Izaya!" This time the the blonde's voice was more stern. "Look at me!" The raven did as he was told and looked at the blonde. "Look in my eyes and tell me if you see pity or not!" Izaya didn't want to he was afraid of what he would see, but the blonde wouldn't have it and forced him to look in his eyes. "Tell me, what you see, do you see the pity you thought to see?"

Izaya shook his head, he didn't see the pity, but he didn't want to believe it just yet. "It can't be." He said shaking his head.

"Izaya…" The blonde's voice was suddenly soft and sounded desperate. "Don't ever scare me like that again. I can't bear losing you." Izaya's eyes widened a bit and he looked back at Shizuo's face to see sad and worried eyes look at him. The feelings seemed to be genuine.

"Can I trust you?" Izaya asked slowly, surprised that he had asked it.

"You can, you will always be able to trust me." Shizuo said and a small smile appeared on his face.

"Can you bent further down?" Izaya could see the confused look on the blonde's face, but he had to ask, since his arms were still bound and he wasn't able to pull the blonde down. "Just do it."

When the blonde complied, Izaya lifted his head a bit and let his lips touch the blonde's softly. The blonde didn't pull away, which was a good sign, it meant that the blonde meant what he had said.

Izaya broke the kiss and let his head down on the pillow again. "Shizu-chan, do you know when they will be taking these off?" He said while lifting his arms as far as he could.

Shizuo was back in a standing position again and looked for a moment. "When they think you're stable and not about to hurt yourself or others." The blonde answered honestly.

"Others?" Izaya asked confused, he had only hurt himself as far as he knew. Then his eyes fell on a bandage on the blonde's arm. "What did I do?" Izaya asked scared for the answer.

"You bit me, nothing more. It doesn't even hurt, I can handle it." Shizuo assured the raven, but Izaya still felt bad about biting the blonde.

"Sorry, I don't know what I did except for the…" But he trailed off there.

"Don't worry about it." Shizuo said. They kept in silence for a while after this, waiting for the doctor to come, since he would come soon, the question was just when.

xxx

Izaya didn't know how long they had stayed silent, but now the door opened and the doctor walked in. Izaya followed the man with his eyes, determining what the man was going to do or say.

"I see that you're awake Orihara-san?" It was more a statement than a question, so Izaya decided to only nod. "We had to sedate you, so you wouldn't hurt yourself or the people around you, that's also the reason why you're bound to the bed right now."

"Shizu-chan explained that part already." Izaya said and then waited for the doctor to go on.

"I'm not going to ask you why you did it, but I'm going to set you up with a psychologist." Izaya's eyes widened at that.

"Why? I don't need one." He really didn't like the thought of needing to talk to a psychologist.

"You tried to commit suicide." The doctor stated blankly, which made Izaya turn his head away. "Anyway, seems like you've calmed down, so I will take the bounds off, but if you don't behave they will be back." The doctor said and two nurses came to undo them. "As long as the wounds on your wrists haven't healed properly, there won't be any walking with the supporting bars, since there is a risk of them opening again. Your physiotherapist will be helping you with the movement till the wounds have healed, but that will be from tomorrow on." Izaya could only listen. He still felt like he couldn't trust anyone except for Shizuo, so he was a bit skeptical.

"It will be fine Izaya." Shizuo had clearly noticed him being skeptical and tried to reassure him. "I told you to trust me, remember?" Izaya nodded slowly.

"Alright, as you might have suspected we have taken your switchblade from you and made sure that there are no other sharp objects here." The doctor told him. "You should understand that this is for your own good." Izaya glared at the doctor, but didn't complain.

"We're done for now, should I sent the other three in? They've been waiting through the whole night for you to wake up.

"Other three?" Izaya asked and looked to Shizuo.

"Shinra, Celty and some kid came with me." Shizuo had clearly forgotten the name of Mikado again.

"Fine, send them in." Izaya said, it couldn't be that bad right? Even though he was wondering who Shizuo meant with 'kid'.

The doctor left and was soon replaced by Shinra followed by Celty and Mikado.

Izaya looked surprised at the fact that Mikado walked in and he realised that he was probably the kid Shizuo had been talking about.

"Izaya, how are you?" Was the first question Shinra asked.

"What do you think?" Izaya didn't feel like answering Shinra. He was still not trusting the fact that people really cared about him. He knew that couldn't be true, even though he had seen the emotions in Shizuo's eyes, he still felt doubtful of the blonde, even though he hadn't told him that.

He was fine with trusting Shizuo for now, but there was no way that he was going to trust other people yet. Why was Mikado even here? Unless… No, that couldn't be, it could not be that they read those messages. His eyes went wide with realization and his breath quickened.

Please, let them not have read those messages! No, that couldn't be, were they going to show him pity again? Was Shizuo here too because of the messages?

Izaya tried to breath, but there was a constricting feeling, making breathing difficult and he felt like he couldn't breath at all.

Why was this happening to him? Why was all he ever received from people hate or pity? Was he really worth that little? Was he really better of dead?

"Izaya!" Izaya heard someone scream but he didn't pay attention, he was only focussed on his thoughts when he started clawing at his arms. Nobody wanted this pitiable excuse he was. Nobody would ever be able to care.

"Panic attack… Doctor…" He could only hear a few words through the panic he was feeling.

He felt arms wrap around his body, but he tried to push them away with all the strength he could muster, but the one who was holding him wouldn't let go.

Sadly enough it did not do anything to help him calm down, instead he kept trying to get away and this time he started clawing at the arms which were holding him tight. He didn't deserve this, so why would someone be doing this? Why would they keep trying? Wasn't it clear that he was done, that he was so done with everything?

He couldn't hear anything that was happening around him, he only tried desperately to get some air into his lungs. What would even happen if he didn't get enough in? Would he die of suffocation? Probably not, his body would react on time.

Izaya kept struggling, when he once again felt the stinging of a needle in his arm and soon after he fell into unconscious.

xxx

Shizuo was looking down at the sedated raven in his arms. Izaya hadn't stopped with panicking, so in the end the doctor had decided to sedate him once more.

Shizuo could see the scratch marks lining the raven's arms, but not only there, his own were also covered in scratches from the raven's nails.

"You can let him down on the bed now." He heard a doctor say and Shizuo slowly and softly laid the raven back on the bed. He had tried desperately to calm the raven down by holding him, but hadn't succeeded.

"It's not your fault Shizuo." He heard Shinra say, but he only shook his head at that. He should have been able to calm the raven down, but he failed. Would Izaya ever accept him completely? And what about others? Had his trust really been hurt that much by those messages.

Shizuo slowly sat down on the chair and looked to the other people in the room and then let his eyes rest on the doctor, who was carefully wrapping the raven's arms and wrists again.

"Does any of you know what might have triggered the panic attack?" The doctor suddenly asked, but Shizuo didn't know.

"I think he started panicking when he saw me." The kid suddenly spoke up. He still didn't remember the name, but he didn't really care either.

"And why would that be?" But all of them shook their heads indicating that they didn't know. "Then I think it would be best for you to leave, I would rather only have one person here." The doctor said and Shizuo wanted to speak up, but Shinra was first.

"Shizuo should stay here, it seemed like he had gained some trust back from Izaya." The doctor nodded.

"That's good then, please try to help him as much as possible, tomorrow will be his first appointment with a psychiatrist, so if you could please make sure that he is willing to go, that would be great." Shizuo stared at the doctor for a moment, did he really expect him to be able to do that?

"I don't know, but I can try." Shizuo said and with that the others left to leave him alone with the unconscious raven.

Shizuo softly grabbed the raven's hand and let his eyes travel over the bandaged arm, before placing a soft kiss on the back of the hand.