A/N: Here is chapter 23. Enjoy reading it and please review.
Summary: Izaya has been having headaches lately and when more symptoms appear he decides to go to the hospital. There he gets to hear that he has brain cancer.
Disclaimer: I don't own Durarara!
Izaya started awake from the nightmare he was having. His eyes were wide open and his clothes and blankets were drenched in sweat. His heart was beating fast and he was breathing fast too.
The nightmare was still clear on his mind and it seemed as if he would still be able to see it when he closed his eyes again. The words that the people had told him were still ringing in his ears, telling him how worthless he was.
In the nightmare people kept telling him how he was not worth anything and that he was a coward for not being able to kill himself. That he was weak for letting himself be caught while he was trying to kill himself.
But even though the nightmare was over the voices wouldn't stop.
"You're worthless."
"You're a coward, not even able to kill yourself."
"You're weak, you should have been able to do the job."
"Why are you even still alive?"
"We don't need you here."
"Stop…" Izaya told the voices softly, trying to stop them.
"Do you really think you deserve to live?"
"Nobody will ever care."
"Nobody will ever like someone like you."
"Stop it!" This time he yelled, but it didn't work, the voices kept going. Izaya brought his hands to his head and grabbed his hair hard, until it hurt, but he wanted this pain, anything but to focus on the words that were going through his head.
"Worthless. Weak. Pathetic. Coward." The words kept ringing in his head and Izaya only grabbed harder.
"Please stop." This time it came more like a whimper. He really wanted them to stop, even though he did believe that they were right, they didn't need to keep telling him that.
Izaya shut his eyes tightly, but this proved to be a wrong move, when the scenes of his nightmare started appearing in front of his eyes. Izaya tried to open them again, but he was too focussed on the images appearing in his head.
Izaya's breath quickened even more and his breaths became more shallow too. He felt like he wasn't getting any air in his lungs, as if he wasn't able to breath.
Izaya didn't notice when the door to his room opened, too focussed on the fact that he wasn't able to get air into his lungs. Izaya started clawing at his throat, desperate for some air when he suddenly felt two arms take his arms away and take him into an embrace.
Izaya first panicked, not really knowing what was happening, but the warmth felt familiar, soothing. Soon he felt himself calm down a bit and lean into the embrace more, tired of not having slept well and the strain his body got from the panic attack.
Izaya's breathing got better and soon he felt like he was getting more air into his lungs. His breath was still a bit faster when he looked up to who had embraced him and was greeted by blonde hair and brown eyes full of worry.
They kept like this for a while, till Izaya's breathing was back to normal again. That's when Shizuo let go and laid the raven back down on the bed.
"Shizu-chan?" Izaya asked with a soft voice, not having the energy to speak louder.
"Yeah?" The blonde answered.
"Thanks." Izaya told the blonde and he could see him smile, even though there was still worry in his eyes.
"You're welcome." Shizuo said and then started stroked the raven's head. "What happened?" Izaya could tell that the blonde asked this carefully, probably afraid that he would start panicking again.
"A nightmare." Was all he answered, but he knew it was enough for the blonde to understand what probably happened.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Izaya shook his head at that. He didn't need the blonde to know what the nightmare was about. He didn't want anyone to know about it. He would be just fine, he just didn't want to be alone. "Do you think you could get some more sleep? You look tired." The blonde commented, but Izaya wasn't so sure that he would be able to sleep again, he was afraid that the nightmare would come back.
"I might be able if you're here." He admitted softly, he felt his cheeks heat up a bit at the question, but when he looked at Shizuo and saw a gentle smile on the blonde's face he knew he shouldn't be embarrassed about this.
Izaya still didn't feel like he could trust the blonde completely, but the trust was definitely building, even if Shizuo was the only one he could trust right now, he was fine with it. He just needed one person and he knew it was more than he would ever deserve.
"Sure, just get some sleep, alright?" Shizuo said and then sat down on the bed, not stopping with stroking the raven's hair.
Izaya's eyes felt heavy and soon they fell close completely and not much later he was asleep, comforted by the blonde stroking his head.
xxx
Opening his eyes, Izaya slowly looked around the room. He expected Shizuo to be there, but the blonde had probably gone somewhere. Izaya couldn't help but hope that Shizuo would be back soon, he felt vulnerable without the blonde being here, even though he didn't want to admit that.
Izaya heard a door opened and looked to see the one to the bathroom/toilet open. Shizuo had probably needed to use the restroom, which was logical, since there was no way the blonde could do without.
"Ah, you're awake." Shizuo said while he walked back and saw Izaya awake in the bed.
"Yeah, I was wondering where you had gone, but now I have my answer." Izaya said and kept following the blonde with his eyes.
"The doctor came while you were asleep and changed the bandages. He said that the wounds were healing fine, so you should be able to start practicing walking soon." Izaya looked at his wrists when the blonde mentioned it and saw that there were only bandages left around his wrist and no longer on his arms.
Now that he bandages were off his arms he could see the scratches going over his arms and he looked confused for a moment. He didn't know when he had given himself these.
"From when are these?" Izaya kept looking at his arms while he waited for an answer.
"From when you had your panic attack." Oh, so it was from then. He couldn't remember the attack itself, so he wouldn't remember this either.
"Shizuo, thank you for everything." Izaya mumbled and still didn't look at the blonde, he didn't dare look at his face to see his reaction.
"You don't need to thank me, I'm doing this because I want to do it for you." When Shizuo said that the door opened.
"Are you two confessing to each other?" That voice was unmistakably Mairu's. Izaya looked at the door and saw his two sisters together with Haru.
"What are you guys doing here?" Izaya asked, ignoring her question. He hadn't seen them for a while, they had probably been busy with preparing for the new school year or something else, but now that they were here Izaya was surprised to see them.
"We came to visit you and see how you were doing." Haru told him and Izaya tried to guess if the three of them were told anything about what happened before they came in.
"Don't you three have better things to do?" Izaya tried to sound as normal as possible. If they didn't know about his break down, they didn't need to know. He didn't want his sisters to find out about how he was really doing. He would just pretend like nothing happened and hope that his sisters wouldn't pick up on the signs he would probably be giving off.
"We have spare time, so we decided to visit you." Mairu told him once again and Izaya just sighed at that.
"What are you even doing here together? Have you started dating or something?" Izaya asked with a fake smirk plastered on his face. He tried to make it as real as possible, but in the corner of his eye he could tell that Shizuo knew it was fake.
"Iza-nii! Don't make assumptions, we're just friends and decided to come together." Mairu complained and Izaya kept smirking, even though he didn't feel like doing it at all inside. It was really hard to keep this up, but he knew he had to try.
"Haru-kun, how are you holding up with my sisters?" Izaya decided to turn his attention to the boy who had come too.
"They're not much worse than you Izaya-san, I can handle them." Normally that comment wouldn't have hurt Izaya, but he felt the smirk drop from his face and a frown started to form between his eyebrows.
See, he doesn't care either. He just said that you're a bad person and he doesn't even know you that long. Izaya shook his head when the voice started talking again, trying to get it to stop. He knew Haru didn't mean it that way, so the voice shouldn't tell him otherwise.
"Iza-nii?" He heard Kururi's soft voice and Izaya looked to her to see her looking worried. He didn't want his sisters to worry about this, they didn't need to know about this, so it was better if they didn't find out.
"I'm fine, just a bit of a headache." He lied, trying to cover up the fact that he was feeling really down.
"Arms…"(What happened to your arms?) Kururi was really sharp sometimes and Izaya really hated it at this moment.
"Just something I did in my sleep, don't worry." Izaya gave a weak smile to his sister and noticed that she didn't believe him. "Don't tell them." He whispered to her this time. "I will tell you, but after they're gone." He really didn't have any other way than to tell his sister probably.
"Shizu-chan, could you get some drinks with Haru-kun and Mairu? Kururi can stay here with me." Izaya said and looked at Shizuo, meaning to tell him that he wanted them out. Shizuo got the hint and dragged the two other kids out with him, even though they were protesting.
Now that he had his attention back on Kururi he saw her questioning look. "You want to know what's under the bandages right?" The girl nodded. "Did you hear anything before coming in?" A shake of her head told Izaya that she didn't. "I… How should I say this…" Izaya turned his eyes down to his lap, not really daring to look at Kururi.
"Iza-nii?" Kururi was clearly asking him to go on, but this was harder than he thought it would be. He hadn't had to say it out loud yet, which made it that much harder.
"I cut myself." He mumbled in the end. He didn't dare to look up, until he felt small hands grab his own and he looked up to see Kururi looking at him with a sad look. Why was she sad? He hadn't done anything to make her sad right?
"Why?" Was the one word she said. Izaya was grateful that she wasn't one for a lot of words, since Mairu would have made a scene out of this.
"I don't really know how to describe it." Izaya kept his voice low and soft. He didn't want to tell her the reason.
"...fine"(It's fine) Izaya looked at her surprised. "...tell"(You don't need to tell)
"You can't tell this to Mairu, alright?" A nod was all he received and he knew he couldn't be completely sure that she wouldn't do it, but he had already told her, so there was no way back.