A/N: Here is chapter 25. Please enjoy reading it and please review.
Summary: Izaya has been having headaches lately and when more symptoms appear he decides to go to the hospital. There he gets to hear that he has brain cancer.
Disclaimer: I don't own Durarara!
Izaya had been left alone once they returned to the hospital. It had been awkward between the two of them, so Shizuo had helped him back in his room, but had left afterwards.
Why had the blonde confessed to him? Shizuo should have known that he wouldn't have an answer to it. There was no way he could answer with the conflicted feelings he was having and now he had probably hurt his feelings.
It was probably a wonder if Shizuo ever came back to visit him or to act normal if he did visit him. He would be all alone once again and only because he hadn't been able to answer the blonde's feelings.
Why did Shizuo need to make it so complicated? He should have kept them to himself instead of bothering Izaya with it, but did he really think it was a bother? It proved that Shizuo wasn't helping him out of pity, but he still had another motive.
Did Shizuo really love him? For what he had seen in the blonde's eyes he had meant it, but Izaya had never suspected the blonde to confess his feelings suddenly like that. They had been kissing, that was true, but Izaya just didn't have his feelings straight at the moment.
On one hand he felt like nobody cared and that he was better of not existing at all, but on the other hand there was Shizuo who clearly cared about him and had just confessed to him. Was he really able to go on and trust Shizuo only? Would he be able to give the blonde all of his feelings? Would the blonde even be able to handle him when his thoughts were negative all the time?
He was trying to keep the negative thoughts away, but they were coming back every single time he heard someone say something wrong or if someone acting weird towards him. The trust he ever had in people was completely gone and he had only been able to build a bit for Shizuo and maybe Kururi, since he had told her after all, but he didn't even feel like he would be able to trust Mairu, Haru, Shinra, Celty or anybody else.
And then there were the nightmares he was having almost every night. They weren't leaving him alone at all. The voices of his nightmares were not only haunting him during the nightmare itself, but also during the day. There was a voice in his head constantly telling him negative things and it didn't matter how many times he had told it to shut up, it just didn't.
Panic attacks had been more common, even though Shizuo was able to calm him, but he also had them when the blonde wasn't here and the nurses and doctors had to try and calm him down, which ended in him being sedated most of the time, since they couldn't calm him down.
Izaya hadn't opened his laptop since then, he just didn't dare to look at it, since the messages were probably still on and he was afraid that there were only more messages after those. There was no way that people would ignore such messages.
This made him wonder why Mikado had been here just after his suicide attempt. And Shinra and Celty too, why had they been here? He hadn't asked Shizuo, since he hadn't found it important at the time and had been a bit dazed and sluggish, but now that he thought about it, he was wondering why they had been there.
He could understand Shizuo and maybe the blonde had gone to see Shinra and Celty and they had come together to visit him, but that still didn't explain why Mikado had been there. Especially since he had sent the kid away not too many days before it.
Did Mikado know about everything now? Had he told Kida or Anri? And what about what the boy had seen, he must have seen him panic, so what did he tell the two of them. There was no way Mikado would be able to keep his mouth shut to those two.
At least they hadn't come to visit him yet, but he was scared of the fact that they could know. They would just be another set of people who could mock him, knowing what was really wrong with him.
Izaya honestly hoped that they didn't know, but he was unsure about it, since Mikado probably knew and if he wanted he could tell them.
Realizing that thinking about it right didn't do any good, he decided to ask it Shizuo when he came here again, even though he didn't know how long that would take.
xxx
The next day, Shizuo hadn't come and Izaya had to do the physiotherapy on his own with the physiotherapist. At first he had waited, but when it took too long, they had decided to just get over with and had gone with the two of them. It was definitely not the same as when Shizuo was there and now he only had the woman to pick him up when he fell down, who was a lot weaker than Shizuo was.
Izaya knew he had lost a bit of weight since this all started, but it had still been quite hard for the woman to help him back in the wheelchair. He was already missing Shizuo with that, who could just pick him up and place him in the chair.
He felt a lot more tired now too, since the woman hadn't been as much as a support as Shizuo was and it bothered him a bit. Why hadn't the blonde come to see him? He had told him yesterday that it was fine, so why hadn't he come?
Did Shizuo think that it would be awkward between them or did he not want to see Izaya, since he had rejected him? Had he really hurt the blonde that much? Was it hard for the blonde to come here now without showing the hurt on his face? Did he do it for Izaya? But this didn't do the raven any good. Izaya was doubting himself now more than ever. Had he really just hurt the one person he thought he could trust? Had he really just ruined everything that was helping him?
What if the blonde didn't want to have anything to do with him anymore? What if Shizuo was going to leave him all on his own now? Would he be able to do everything on his own? There was no way he could. He already depended too much on Shizuo, so there was no way he would be able to do this without the blonde. Why wasn't Shizuo here? He really needed him right now. Why had he even told the blonde that he didn't know? He should have just given him the answer that it was fine, that he felt the same. Everything to keep the blonde at his side. Didn't Shizuo realize he couldn't be without him anymore?
Izaya didn't hear the door open while his thoughts were going on without stopping. He didn't hate the blonde, at least not anymore, if he had ever hated him. But did he like him? Could he really tell the blonde he liked him? Would he mean it if he did?
"Izaya…" Izaya got taken out of his thoughts when his name reached his ears. He turned his head in the direction where the sound had come from and couldn't believe his eyes at first.
He had been so sure that Shizuo wouldn't come to him anymore and yet he was standing there. Izaya couldn't find any words to say and just kept staring at the figure standing a bit from him.
"I'm sorry for this morning." Shizuo said and had turned his look to the floor. Izaya realized he was still staring at the blonde full of disbelieve and realized that he should be reacting.
"Don't worry about that." He mumbled. He could forgive the blonde, he was here now after all. He hadn't left him alone. "Shizuo…" Izaya started and this time the blonde lifted his head to look at him. "I'm sorry for yesterday."
Shizuo snorted for a bit and then walked closer to the raven. "No need to apologize, it was my fault for confessing like that." Shizuo said, but Izaya could see a hint of sadness in the blonde's eyes and he definitely looked tired, like he hadn't slept at all.
"No, I am sorry. It just came as a surprise." Izaya knew it had been a surprise for him, but he knew he should have expected it. The kisses had been signs and the hugs too, but he had just chosen not to think about it. "I have been thinking about it a lot." He added, but then didn't know what to say.
"It's fine to take your time." The blonde tried to encourage him.
"You see, I think I feel something for you, but my thoughts and feelings are all messed up right now and I'm afraid I'm not good enough for you." It was true, he didn't see himself as someone who deserved to be with Shizuo. Shizuo could definitely get someone better than him and when the blonde had forgotten about his feelings for him, he would probably be on his own, but that was fine. There was no way he was going to tell Shizuo that he needed him.
"You're more than good enough for me." Shizuo said and Izaya couldn't help the surprised look on his face.
"That's not true, you wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone like me."
"I told you I'm fine with you, don't you want me too? Or am I not good enough for you?" No that was not the case! Shizuo was too good for him, that was the problem here. Shizuo didn't deserve him.
"You're too good for me and whether I want you or not is not important." Izaya said, but he knew he had said the wrong thing when he saw the hurt in the blonde's eyes. His heart clenched painfully, but when he opened his mouth, no sound came out.
"You should think about what you want yourself and tell me honestly!" Shizuo sounded desperate and Izaya was trying to find the words to tell the blonde. Would he really be able to tell Shizuo that he needed him? He didn't want to, but it seemed like the blonde wanted to hear it.
"I want you." Izaya mumbled in the end, still not telling the blonde that he needed him too, but this should be fine right. Suddenly he felt arms around his upper body and he looked up to see the blonde's happy face.
"Thank you." Were the two words the blonde said before kissing the raven full. Izaya kissed him back this time. He hadn't done it the last time, but now he felt like he could.
There was still a lot he had to overcome and of course he needed to find a way to get rid of the negative thoughts and the voice, but for now he let Shizuo kiss him and make him feel wanted.
They separated when they needed to breath and looked at each other. "What are we now?" Izaya asked softly. He didn't know if he was ready to call it a relationship yet, but he wondered if the blonde wanted it.
"It doesn't need to be dating yet, we can wait a bit to make it official." Shizuo said and Izaya was glad that he thought about it like that.
"I would like that." Izaya said. He felt like he wouldn't be able to date Shizuo properly until he had got himself sorted out properly.
"Shizuo, I wanted to ask you something." He said, remembering that he wanted to ask the blonde about Mikado.
"What is it?"
"Why was Mikado here last time?" Izaya saw the confused look on Shizuo's face and added: "The kid."
"Ah him, he was at Shinra's place when we decided to come and visit you, so he tagged along." Shizuo replied. Izaya could tell that the blonde was hiding something, but he let it slip for now, not deeming it that important.
"What does he know?" This was something Izaya needed to know.
"He came in together with me, Shinra and Celty when you, you know." Shizuo's look had gone down to Izaya's wrists, which told Izaya enough.
"Oh." The raven said. So Mikado had seen him slitting his wrists… Great, let's hope he didn't tell anything about it.
"Don't worry about it, the kid wouldn't tell anyone." Shizuo told him and it made Izaya feel a bit better. He just hoped that Shizuo was right.