Chapter 5

As the subway took off from its latest stop, its forward momentum made Charlie tilt sharply against Riley, sitting next to him.

"Sorry," he said sheepishly, righting himself.

"That's okay," she assured him, laughing it off.

Her smile was gone the next minute as they both fell back into silence.

The way Charlie had fallen against her like that, she couldn't help but be reminded of the time the subway train had sent her sprawling across Lucas's lap. She'd already been thinking about her first date with him. The similarities between that time and sitting on the subway next to Charlie on the way to their date made it hard not to.

The uncomfortable awkwardness she felt now was a far cry from the warm feeling of walking on air she'd had with Lucas that night. It wasn't fair to make that comparison, and it was painful to do it anyway, but she couldn't seem to stop herself. All the moments that had made that night so special kept running through her head and it all seemed so bittersweet now.

"Sooo. Just to be clear," Charlie said, interrupting her thoughts, "When you said no talking did you mean you just didn't want to talk about anything personal? Or did you mean please, Charlie, let's spend the entire night locked in a deafeningly awkward silence?"

A gust of laughter escaped Riley. "More like the first one, I guess."

"Good," he replied, looking pleased with her laughter. "Nothing personal... So—how 'bout those Knicks?"

Riley forced a laugh, but inside she was cringing. How did he keep managing to do things that reminded her of Lucas? She was doing her best not to dwell on what had happened at Topanga's earlier but Charlie kept dredging things up unintentionally. She could never think of the Knicks anymore without remembering when she'd ranted to Lucas about them, and how he'd looked at her in awe when she was through and told her he liked her.

"Yeah, how 'bout 'em," she answered Charlie weakly.

"Not a basketball fan?" he deduced from her reaction.

"Yeah. I am," she contradicted in the same weak voice.

"What, too personal?" He continued to try to guess why she was being so closemouthed.

A hint of frustration had crept into his voice and Riley responded immediately. "No, of course not, Charlie. I am a Knicks fan. I just... was thinking about something else," she explained lamely.

Awkward silence came back to claim them, and they were only saved from it by the arrival of the train at their stop.

The theater was a few blocks away once they'd climbed to street level. On the walk there they talked about the weather- of all the lame things- after Charlie asked her if she was warm enough. When they'd pretty much exhausted the topic, he ended by expressing his concern that they were having to walk so far in the chill weather while she was wearing a dress.

"Not that I'm complaining about your dress," he hurried to assure her. "You look really great tonight. I didn't get a chance to tell you that earlier."

"Thank you, Charlie," she answered with a bashful laugh, though the reminder of why he hadn't had the chance to say that when they'd met at Topanga's didn't make her feel much like laughing.

It was a relief to enter the warmth of the theater and be distracted from the direction of her thoughts. It was Friday night and the multiplex was extremely busy. While they waited in line for their turn at the ticket counter they discussed which movie to see. They finally decided on 'Pan' and talked about what they knew about it from the previews and what they'd heard from others.

Once they had their tickets in hand they crossed the lobby to go stand in another long line at the concession counter. They exchanged a couple of self-conscious smiles while they were waiting, but didn't say much beyond a brief questioning of what she wanted him to get her when they got to the front of the line. Riley eventually excused herself to go to the restroom and when she got back he was waiting for her with their snacks in his arms.

She quickly relieved him of one of the drinks so he didn't have to do such a juggling act to hold everything.

"Thanks," he said gratefully, and after shuffling things around, handed her a package of candy. "I hope that's the right kind."

"It's perfect. Gummies are my favorite. Thank you."

He nodded with a smile, then tilted his head to gesture to their left. "I think we need to go this way. We're in theater five."

She followed him back and they made their way past a couple of theaters then came to the one showing their movie. Entering, they found some seats towards the back in the middle of a row, where they both agreed they preferred to sit. Once seated, they took off their jackets and settled themselves in.

When Charlie got his drink situated in the cup holder on his seat, he balanced their giant tub of popcorn on his knee next to her.

He grinned at her as he tore open his bag of licorice pieces. "Have you ever tried these together? It's amazing."

Toying with the straw in her drink, Riley smiled skeptically and shook her head no.

"You have to try it, Riley, really. It's so good you won't believe it."

Doubtfully, she held out a hand so he could pour a few pieces of candy into it and put her own drink into its holder.

"I won't put it in the popcorn if you don't like it," he promised as she filled the other hand with buttery kernels.

She popped the rubbery sweet candy into her mouth first and followed it with the warm salty goodness of the popcorn. The two flavors melded together in her mouth and it was... not as disgusting as she'd thought it would be.

Charlie was looking at her expectantly. "Good, right?"

Riley nodded her head and smiled. It wasn't 'so good she couldn't believe it' but it was alright. Of course, chocolate would've been so much better...

The thought threatened to take her down the Lucas path again, but was disrupted by the movie previews that began playing.

She turned to the screen and did her best to follow them since they were an important part of Charlie's movie experience. But the movie itself failed to hold her interest. She found her attention wandering about ten minutes into it, and it wasn't long before the thoughts and emotions she'd been holding at bay flooded in.

At some point a burst of laughter from the audience pulled her out of them, and her eyes automatically went to the screen to see what she'd missed. She realized some time must have passed because she'd completely lost the thread of the movie. Shooting a guilty look towards Charlie, she tried to concentrate on what was going on on the screen. But she soon lost focus again and became immersed back into her own thoughts.

She just couldn't stop thinking about her conversation with Farkle outside of Topanga's earlier. She and Charlie had met there before coming to the theater, and Lucas and Maya had been there on their date. Farkle and Zay had been there, too, and she'd dragged Farkle outside to keep him from saying anything in front of the others when he'd been about to spill his thoughts on why she'd stepped back from Lucas. She'd told him at first that he didn't know what he was talking about, but it turned out that he had been right.

She'd been lying to herself all this time. She didn't see Lucas as a brother and she never had. She'd known that really. She'd just been trying so hard to convince herself it was true because it would make things easier for everyone involved.

But Farkle had pointed out a lot of things from her and Lucas's past that had made her realize that her feelings had really never changed. She did love Lucas, but not like a brother.

It didn't make any difference though. Maya and Lucas had feelings for each other, too. And she'd stepped back to give them a chance to see where those feelings led. Just because she was clearer now on her own feelings didn't mean all that still wasn't true. And Maya's happiness meant too much to her for Riley to let anything she felt stand in the way of her achieving it. So this really didn't change anything at all.

At least, she didn't want it to change anything. But Farkle had said he would tell Maya and Lucas how she really felt if Riley didn't do it herself. It upset her that he would threaten to do that, but he'd told her that friends didn't lie to each other.

And she knew he was right. One of her dad's class lessons last year had been that you never lie to anyone, not even to spare their feelings, and Riley tried to live by that. Maybe that had been part of the reason why she'd tried so hard to convince herself that Lucas was like a brother. If she believed it, it wasn't a lie. But now that Farkle had made her see the truth she felt guilty to be lying to two of the people who were most important to her. It was going to be hard to keep doing it. She wasn't sure she could still do the sister act at all.

But she'd told Farkle that she would tell them, she just needed some time. And she soothed her own guilty conscience by telling herself the same thing. Right now, what they didn't know couldn't hurt them. It was all for the best, really.

She was brought back to the present when the lights in the theater went up and people started rising from their seats all around her. Her eyes jumped to the screen and she was disconcerted to see that the movie credits were already rolling. Charlie gathered their jackets from the seat on the other side of him, then got up with them folded over his arm. Riley climbed to her feet guiltily as he politely waited for her to stand and they fell in line with everyone else shuffling out of the theater.

When they got to the lobby Charlie took Riley's arm and guided her out of the main stream of traffic. Once they were out of the way he held Riley's jacket open for her in a gentlemanly fashion.

"So, how'd you like it?" he asked as she turned her back to him to slide her arms into the sleeves.

Riley bit her lip, feeling terrible that she'd paid so little attention to the movie, and also to Charlie himself.

"Um...it was a good movie," she finally said in answer. She'd heard other people say they thought that, so it wasn't really lying, was it? "Did you like it?"

"I did. I was afraid it was gonna be more of a kiddie movie since it was about Peter Pan, but it turned out to have some decent action and pretty good special effects. It got a little Harry Potter-ish there at the end, but that whole fight scene was the best part of the movie, don't you think?"

Feeling more dishonest by the minute, Riley could only smile weakly.

Misinterpreting her reaction, he said, "What, you didn't like it?"

"I- guess I must've missed that part," she finally had to confess.

Charlie smiled in puzzlement. "You missed the whole last scene?"

Her expression apologetic, she admitted, "I think my mind was just somewhere else. I've just had so much going on lately... I'm sorry, Charlie."

"I guess I don't have to ask what was on your mind. Or should I say who was on your mind," he said a bit bleakly.

Remorse flooded her at the disappointment on his face, but she couldn't completely deny his charge. "I was just thinking about what Farkle and I talked about earlier. A lot of things have been happening since we got back from Texas and I haven't been able to concentrate on much else lately. I really am sorry. I haven't been fair to you at all tonight, Charlie."

One side of his lips tightened as he shrugged a shoulder, and he conceded, "I had a feeling it wasn't exactly gonna be my night when he showed up at Topanga's saying he couldn't be your brother."

"I'm sorry," she apologized again, repentance contorting her features.

He made a good-natured dismissive motion with his head, then touched her arm briefly to start them moving towards the doors at the entrance. When they were expelled onto the sidewalk with the rest of the exiting crowd they turned to make the return walk to the subway.

"So, you think you're gonna be getting back together with him?" Charlie asked once they were far enough away from the others to talk.

Riley looked at him in surprise. "No, we're still just going to be friends. He's going out with Maya now," she reminded him.

"You're still free then?"

Lips turning up, she made a face of quizzical disbelief. Surely he wasn't going to ask her out again.

"Yeah," she drawled questioningly. "I'm still free."

"So would you maybe want to try this again sometime?"

Riley stopped and turned to face him. "Why would you even want to, Charlie? I was terrible company tonight."

"I wouldn't say terrible. You told me going into this that there wouldn't be any talking. I'm actually getting more than I expected here," he joked.

Riley shook her head and laughed. "I don't get you, Charlie."

He gave a self-deprecating shrug. "I'm not that hard to figure out. I just...I like you, Riley."

I really like you, Riley.

The smile fell from her face when she remembered Lucas saying almost exactly the same thing. It had made her heart jump in happiness at the time that he'd said it, but now it just stabbed her with a pinprick of pain.

"Did I say something wrong?" Charlie said uncertainly, seeing her face fall.

Riley jerked herself back to the present, berating herself for continuing to do that. She was here with Charlie. She needed to be present with Charlie and stop allowing stray memories to take her to places she shouldn't be going to in the first place.

"No, you didn't," she assured him. "I- I'm really flattered that you like me. And that you want to go out with me again even though tonight couldn't have been all that fun for you. But...I'm not sure it's such a good idea."

"Why not?" he asked lightly, as though he was trying not to let on how much it mattered to him.

She shrugged uncomfortably, trying to be honest but not hurt his feelings. "Because- I couldn't really promise that I'd be any better company if we tried again. I'm just sort of in a weird place right now, Charlie."

"You really weren't bad company, you know. I always enjoy being around you, Riley."

Riley tipped her head and smiled, her eyes falling to the ground. "That's sweet of you to say." She felt like it was glaringly obvious that she hadn't returned the sentiment, but she couldn't quite bring herself to.

She really was flattered at his interest, but his persistence made her a little uneasy. She still wasn't sure exactly what it was he wanted from her.

"So that's a no then?" he asked, still trying to sound lighthearted about it.

Riley gave a wincing sort of smile as she considered what to say. She wanted to just agree with him and say she was telling him no, but looking at the hopefulness shining in his eyes, she found it hard to do. If tonight had proven anything it was that she had no business going out with anyone when she couldn't stop thinking about Lucas. She couldn't be with Lucas though, she had to move on, and how was she going to do that unless she went out with someone else?

She wasn't sure what she should do.

"Could I just think about it?" she finally compromised.

"Yeah. Sure," he said immediately, without a trace of rancor.

His easy acceptance made her feel bad all over again. He really was a nice guy. She should've given more effort tonight. He'd deserved better.

She tried to rectify it on the trip home. She gave him all her attention and they chatted about school, some of their teachers, and their siblings. She found out he had three sisters, one older and two younger. His dad wasn't in the picture anymore so it was just them and his mom. Riley thought that might explain his gentlemanly tendencies. And she felt for him when he told her that he'd had to become the man of the house when he was twelve.

She felt like she knew him a little bit better by the time she got home. And he seemed like even more of a good guy.

He walked her to her apartment from the subway, and she sat with him on the stoop there while he waited for the cab he'd called to take him home.

"This has been really nice," he said softly as they sat in the relative silence offered by her neighborhood at night. "I know you think I didn't, but I had a good time tonight."

"I'm glad. I had a nice time, too. I'm just sorry my head was somewhere else for most of the night," she apologized again.

But Charlie shrugged it off. "Like you said, you have things going on right now. I understand. It can't be easy seeing your ex with your best friend. Especially if you're all going to stay close friends. I'm surprised they started dating so soon after you and Friar broke up. That's a little...unusual, isn't it?"

Riley shrugged uncomfortably, her eyes on her lap. He'd put his finger on one of the things she didn't like to think about. Dwelling on that fact made her feel things she didn't want to feel so she tried to just push it aside.

"It wasn't really like that," she refuted, picking at a thread in her skirt. "Lucas and I didn't really break up because we were never officially together to begin with."

"Yeah, but still," he argued, though that seemed like all he was planning to say about it.

"Still what?" she prompted, feeling defensive all of a sudden.

Charlie must have sensed that in her voice or something because he darted a look at her and immediately backed down.

"Nothing," he said dismissively, "I'm sorry I brought it up."

Part of her wanted to pursue it and ask him what he meant, but another part of her- the bigger part- just wanted to let it lie, so she let it drop.

The topic had put a damper on their conversation though, and the awkwardness from earlier in the night fell over them again.

Fortunately, his cab pulled up to the curb a few minutes later and broke them from the ill-at-ease tension that sat between them.

"I guess this is me," Charlie said, rising from the step, and motioning to the cabby that he'd be right there. He turned back to Riley, who'd risen to stand, too, and smiled a bit shyly. "Thank you for tonight, Riley. I hope we can do it again sometime. But there's no pressure," he assured her with a grin, holding up his palms in a gesture that said he was backing off. "It's totally up to you."

Riley gave a little laugh. "Thank you, Charlie. For everything," she said sincerely. "I'll talk to you at school."

Lips rolled inward, he smiled and nodded once. "See you, Monday."

He went down the steps and turned to give her a wave before climbing into the cab. Riley waved back and dug out her key to let herself into the building.

As she climbed the stairs to their apartment she wasn't quite sure how to feel about the events of the night. As dates went, she guessed it hadn't been a complete disaster, but it was far from what she'd call a success. She couldn't help but wonder if Maya's date with Lucas had gone better than hers. Had they just hung out at Topanga's or had they gone somewhere else later? Somewhere to be alone maybe. To see if 'something' would happen again.

She fought the feeling of depression that thought brought.

When she got to the apartment she found her dad sprawled out on the couch watching t.v. by himself.

"Hey, kiddo," he greeted, not moving from corner of the couch where he was half reclining on the mound of cushions he'd piled up.

"Hey, Dad," she replied, slipping off her jacket and dropping to sit down beside him.

"How was your date? Did you have a good time?"

Riley shrugged unsurely. "I guess. It was alright." Glancing toward the empty kitchen, she asked, "Where's Mom?"

"Getting ready for bed. At least, that's what she said." He leaned toward her and lowered his voice conspiratorially. "I think she just didn't like my choice of entertainment."

Riley smiled faintly and looked to see what he was watching. It was that reality show about that duck family with the big beards. The ones who lived in Arkansas or somewhere like that.

She didn't really have any interest in it either, but she stayed there with her dad anyway. Just like at the movies, she stopped taking in what was happening on the screen after a time, but she still stayed. Her mood was somber and she just felt like being with him.

After a few minutes she leaned into his side and tucked her feet up beside her on the couch cushion.

Cory looked down at her in surprise- it had been a long time since she'd wanted to cuddle up with her daddy- but immediately put his arm around her and pulled her in close.

"Everything okay? I don't need to have a talk with Mr. Gardener about anything do I?" he questioned with mild suspicion.

The corner of her lip turning up, Riley shook her head, her cheek brushing against his shirt. "No, Dad. He was a perfect gentleman. Charlie's a good guy."

"You don't sound particularly happy about that."

"It just—seems like it makes things even more confusing," she admitted.

And it was true. Adding Charlie into the mix had only seemed to complicate things further.

He was a nice guy. She ought to be able to feel for him the same way she felt about Lucas. Obviously, she didn't, but could she learn to? She should be willing to at least try. It would be the best thing for everyone if she moved on. But she was afraid to. If Charlie became her boyfriend she was afraid it would change things too much. Lucas had told her tonight that he couldn't be her brother, and if they didn't have that tie to bind them closely together she was worried that they might drift too far apart. She was already feeling like something had shifted so fundamentally between them that it was almost like she'd lost some part of him. If she started spending a lot of time with another boy it would put that much more distance between them, wouldn't it?

And what about Charlie? Was it even fair to drag him into all this knowing she didn't like him the way he liked her and there was only a possibility that she might be able to someday?

Riley didn't know. She wasn't sure what the right thing was anymore.

Sighing, she turned her face into her dad's chest. Being curled up against him like this reminded her of when she was little. Whenever she was hurt or upset about something she used to climb up in his lap, pour out what was bothering her, and beg him to make it right. Back then it had been things like she couldn't find Mr. Wuffles, or Marcy Grammar made fun of her bike, or she wasn't sure she wanted a little brother. Now things weren't nearly so simple, but she wondered whimsically if he still had the same Dad Power.

A smile playing around her lips, she said the same words she'd said back then. "Fix it for me, Daddy."

Cory chuckled reminiscently and gave her an affectionate squeeze. "I wish I could, sweetie," he said regretfully, kissing the crown of her head. "But I'm afraid you're gonna have to figure this one out yourself."