Sick Day

Her voice was going. It wasn't gone yet, but she could feel it, the familiar tickle in the back of her throat. And she could hear it, hoarse and giving out every few syllables. It seemed to only be noticeable to her, not bad enough to alarm the boys, so she continued to work.

Her body started aching. It started as a dull ache in the base of her skull, causing her to roll her head around on her shoulders. Her voice was definitely more noticeable now, and she felt like she had to shout to be heard. But the phone calls continued as she searched for him.

By the time she went on the talk show, she was running on fumes. Her voice was worse now as she got more desperate, shouting at foreign embassies by day and crying herself to sleep at night. It did nothing to help. She ached all over, refusing to pull herself out of her chair at work unless she really needed to, sending the boys to chase down suspects while she went over paperwork, sneaking some of her own casework in when they were gone. And she was exhausted, unable to sleep without him by her side or plagued with unending nightmares of him in the car, or them both in the car, or even one disturbing one where she saved him but his clothes burst into flames anyway while she looked on, powerless to stop it.

Her appetite was gone. She shoved a protein bar down her throat every once in a while, whenever she had that sinking realization that she couldn't remember the last time she ate. He wouldn't want this. He wouldn't have wanted her to fall apart without him. Where was that tough, strong, and stubborn woman he had fallen in love with? This was why she put up walls, why she didn't let people get close. Once she began to depend on them, she was lost when they left, and hated herself for it, hated how weak she could become.

She trudged into the precinct one morning, hair disheveled, bags under her eyes, a mug of herbal tea gripped so tight in her hand that her knuckles where white. She sat at her desk and opened her notepad, a whole page of numbers to call, her last chances of finding Castle. If one of these didn't turn up a lead, she was done, out of ideas. If Castle was here, he'd have some crazy theory, one that would get her thinking look for something else, something she wasn't seeing now. She almost laughed at the irony. Almost.

"Beckett, what are you doing here?" Esposito had rolled his chair up next to hers. No one dared to sit in Castle's chair. No one even touched it, except that poor janitor, who hadn't shown up for work again since. In fact, people tended to even avoid that side of her desk, as if they were afraid of the empty space.

"Working. Why do you ask?" Her voice came out in a whisper, despite her best efforts, and she rolled her head around her shoulders again.

"Go home, Beckett."

She bit back tears as she shook her head. Home wasn't home anymore, and she couldn't even go to her apartment without seeing reminders of him there. "I can't. I have to calm these numbers."

Ryan appeared out of nowhere, plucking the notebook from in front of her and looking at the page. "I can do that." He looked at her, raising an eyebrow. "Gee, you have nothing to do. Might as well go home, get some rest. Come back when you're feeling better."

She rolled her eyes, letting out an exaggerated huff. "I feel fine." She countered, trying so hard to appear normal.

"Beckett, we are trained detectives. You may have hidden your relationship from us, but you can't pull the wool over our eyes this time." Esposito told her, shooting her a knowing glance.

"When's the last time you looked in a mirror? You look terrible." Ryan card from his desk.

"Thanks." She deadpanned, the smallest smile creeping across her face. "I just need to bring him home. I'll be fine after that."

"We want to bring him home too. That guy was like a brother to us." Ryan assured her, marking the page in the notebook and locking it in his drawer. She couldn't get to it now. She wanted to be furious. But she sometimes forgot that they cared about him too, that this was killing them, and that they were capable of calling a few numbers to bring him back. And they were just doing what little brothers did best, driving her crazy and looking out for her.

"I can't sleep." She finally said, her hands coming up to wipe the tears from her face as they fell. "I can't sleep at his place because it all reminds me of him, and I can't sleep at my place because I never really could." No, once they became we, her bed seemed oddly empty any time she went home. Sometimes she would call him, listening to his voice as she imagined him pressed up against her. It wasn't enough, and now she didn't have that option. "Rest is supposed to help you heal, but how can I get rest if I can't sleep?" She shook her head. "No, the fastest way I can get better is by bringing him home."

Javi sighed, annoyed. "Do you really think that once he's back this will all stop? The nightmares, the uncertainty, it will all still be there. And if you're still sick, he's going to take care of you, and you're going to feel guilty about that."

Ryan nodded, crossing his arms and leaning back in his seat. "And he's going to feel guilty for making you that sick."

"You don't want that." Esposito agreed. "The best thing you can do for him is to take care of yourself, so you two can get back on track." He flashed her a smile. "We've got the list, and we've got your back. Go home."

She knew they wouldn't let her say no. Ryan was sitting in front of his locked drawer, his arms crossed in front of him, almost daring her to try and get her notes back. She bit the inside of her cheek and stared them down. When she could see that they weren't going to back off, she threw her head back in defeat. "Fine!" She blurted, standing up and tossing her jacket over her arm. She looked toward Ryan. "But I want an update no later than eight about what happened when you called those numbers."

Ryan nodded, and she ignored the triumphant look on his face. "I'll call you at seven-thirty."

She headed into the Captain's office. She was somewhat annoyed that Gates looked relieved that Kate was going home. But the Captain had nodded, accepted what Kate had said, and wished her well, assuring her that the precinct would continue to run without her there. As she headed to the elevator, she heard Esposito call out to her. "Hey, Kate." She stopped and turned to look at him. He never used her first name like that. It meant he was crossing that line, traversing into the 'friend' territory instead of the usual 'co-worker' one. "Feel better, okay. And we've got you." She nodded once, her lips tightening into a small smile as she left.

She went to his place. Hers was too intimidating right now. That, and his case file was at her place, and she knew that if she went there, she'd concern herself with that instead of the rest she so desperately needed. She found one of his shirts and slipped it on, holding the front of it up so she could inhale the scent. It helped. She was running low on shirts like this though, it just wasn't the same once her scent had mixed in with his. She saved them for days like today, when she needed the rest. She pulled out her phone and dialed the number she had memorized, knowing that it would go straight to voicemail, like it always did. "You've reached the phone of Richard Castle, and if you are hearing this, it's because I'm currently on my honeymoon. I won't be taking any calls for the next two weeks, but I will try to get back to you after that. Please leave your name and number when I stop talking." It usually left her feeling better, more calm, and soothed her to sleep to listen to him talk. But today, after revealing to her co-workers and boss just how much she had deteriorated without him, she just found him infuriating. How dare he break her down? Why did she ever have to pick up his books? Why did she fall apart without him? Sometimes she felt like she would just be better off never meeting him.

She let out a strangled sob as she hurled a pillow down on the bed, over and over again. She shouted and screamed, letting out her frustrations before collapsing to the bed, hot tears running down her face.

The soft knock at the door had startled her. She thought no one else was home. The redhead pushed the door open, not waiting for a response. "Are you okay? I thought you were hurt, or something."

Kate let out a quiet laugh. "I'm as okay as I can be, just falling apart a bit. You?"

Alexis sat at the foot of the bed. Her eyes looked dark and weary, and Kate realized she hadn't been sleeping either. "I've been better." The teen answered truthfully.

Kate knew all too well how Alexis was feeling. It was the precise reason Kate had been avoiding the girl. To be this young and lose a parent wasn't easy, but she could only imagine how much worse it was knowing that Castle was out there somewhere, probably (and hopefully) alive, but they couldn't find him. "I'm sorry." Kate whispered out.

Alexis rolled her eyes. "Stop apologizing." Kate looked up at her, dumbfounded. How did Alexis not blame her? She blamed herself, she blamed herself so much that she had avoided both the redheads like the plague. "It's not your fault some asshole kidnapped him. So stop blaming yourself."

"Of course it was my fault. If he had never met me, he wouldn't have shadowed me, and been with me on all those high-profile cases."

Alexis shook her head and moved closer to Kate. "Or, it could have something to do with my kidnapping. I had nothing to do with you or any of your cases, and it would have only been worse if he didn't have you there to help him out." She cocked her head to the side, trying to make Kate look at her. "And have you met my father? He's a bit impulsive."

"A bit?" Both women laughed at Kate's response. She inhaled sharply through her nose, clearing it so she could breathe again.

"Yeah, just a bit. But you do a great job of keeping him safe. I don't know where he would be without you." Alexis reached out, grabbing Kate's hand and laying on her side next to the older woman. "I trust you with him, Kate. Ever since you got him and Grams out of that bank, I knew he was safest with you. That's how I know this isn't your fault." Kate finally met Alexis' blue eyes, which welled with tears. "So don't blame yourself, okay?"

"Okay." Kate choked out as she closed her eyes. She adjusted her head on the pillow. "I'm exhausted."

"Me too." She heard the young girl yawn.

When Alexis shuffled to leave, Kate tugged on her hand. "You don't have to, if you don't want to." She regretted the words almost as soon as she said them, worried that she would make the teen uncomfortable. "I mean, I feel closest to your Dad when I'm here, in this room. If you want to stay, I'm not opposed."

Alexis stilled, squeezing Kate's hand a bit tighter. "I'll try it." Kate smiled at the words and loosened her grip on the hand. Alexis didn't loosen her grip, and Kate was glad for the human contact. When she heard the light snoring from next to her, she smiled. If she wasn't legally a member of the family, at least she had moments like these. This was her last coherent thought before she finally drifted off.

Prompt: Set after the season 6 finale when Castle is still missing. Kate gets really sick while she's searching for Castle, maybe bronchitis, and Ryan and Espo have to convince her to take care of herself.