a.n. Thank you guys so much for the reviews of last chapter! Wow! I hope you keep them coming! A review is like a kick in the ass. It makes me write faster, and better.

This one is angsty. For those that know my writing, this shouldn't surprise you.

Disclaimer: Do not own Castle.

xxxx

Chapter Nineteen

Previously…

They had only said the words for the first time when he was in the hospital. So she knew he must have had these words put here long before that, even though he hadn't said them to her yet. She sat the book down and wiped away the tears that had streamed down her cheeks.

"Hey," a voice said behind her.

She turned and threw her arms around him.

"I love you, Rick. So much."

He pressed a kiss to her temple and said, "I love you too."

xxxx

Over the next few weeks, Kate and Rick got back into a normal rhythm. They finally moved past his injuries and started to make their lives normal again. They spent almost every single night together, sometimes at his place, sometimes at hers. Things were going so well. Until she ruined it with her damned jealousy.

She had known this case was coming around. She remembered how it ended.

He's all yours.

When she had been told that the first time, her feelings towards her writer were muddled and confusing. She knew she felt something towards him, but her brain had been telling her that he was a risk her heart couldn't afford.

Now that she knew for sure that she loved him, she figured that Kyra Blaine wouldn't have any effect on her. Boy had she been wrong. From the moment she saw Castle and Kyra together, the little green monster had been an active participant in her mind.

But she had handled it, until Kyra had shown up at the loft while she and Castle had been settling down for the night. In her time before, they had met on the roof top of some building, and they had kissed. She trusted Rick. She knew he wouldn't cheat on her, but the insecurities were still there. So she had flipped out on him when he had come back from talking to Kyra in the hallway.

*Flashback*

"I don't like it," Kate said after Castle had reentered the loft and they had made their way to his bedroom.

"Don't like what?" Rick asked as he searched for something comfortable to wear.

"I don't like her being around you," Kate said, knowing she was being petty and jealous and everything she hated.

"What do you mean?" he asked, turning to face her for the first time.

"It's obvious she still has feelings for you, Rick. Or are you just blind to it?"

"She's getting married to another man," Castle said, starting to get annoyed. "And in case you haven't noticed, I'm kinda in a relationship right now. A pretty serious one."

"Yeah, well you loved her too."

"Exactly, Kate, LOVED. I love you. Whatever Kyra and I were 20 years ago is long over. Where is this coming from?"

"I don't know. I just…Would you stay here tomorrow, just so I don't have to see you with her?" she asked, sitting on the bed.

He looked at her incredulously. "You don't trust me do you?"

"I…" she trailed off, because she knew that was the issue here. The Castle of her time before she trusted implicitly. She had known him for seven years and had been through many horrible things together. This Richard Castle, while still the same good man, was different. She didn't know him as well as she would like to. She still had doubts that this man might not be the same one she had fallen in love with before.

Her silence hadn't went unnoticed by her boyfriend. "I can't believe this. You don't trust me. How…I…I don't understand how you can say you love me, talk about having a future with me and not trust me. God." He ran his hands through his hair and threw the clothes he had found on the bed in his usual spot. "I need to some space."

He turned and stalked out of his room. "Castle!" she shouted. She waited but he didn't come back. Then she heard it. The front door of the loft opening and closing. He had left.

*End Flashback*

She hadn't seen him now for three days. She had stayed at the loft that night, expecting him to cool down and come back. When he still wasn't there the next morning, she called him. He didn't answer. She had gotten dressed and drove herself into work, completely miserable and furious with herself for letting it get that far.

That day after work she had went back to the loft. She had found Martha in the kitchen, and she hadn't seen Rick either. It was at that point that Kate began to worry.

Now, three days later, she sat at her desk at the 12th precinct and thought about all the places he could have gone and how she would fix it once she found him. She did trust him. She knew he'd never cheat on her, even if she didn't feel she knew this Castle as well has she had before. Things had been going so well. But she knew where her insecurities came from.

This Richard Castle was much more closed off. She didn't know much about his history, and she had no idea where that history differed from her previous time. She knew that this Richard Castle had never been married, and that he didn't have the playboy persona that she had been worried about her first time around. That point alone should have made her trust him more, but it also made her wonder what else was different about him.

She knew that she'd been sent back to live without regrets when it came to her relationship with Castle. She also knew that she had just made a huge mistake that might not be fixable. She worried that because of his walls that he'd see this as a reason to end their relationship. She didn't know if she could handle that.

She loved him too much to let him go.

xxxx

Two weeks. He had been gone for two weeks. She knew he was okay, because he had called Martha, but he wouldn't tell her where he was at. He was just avoiding her.

The last two weeks had been terrible without him. She couldn't focus on work, she couldn't sleep, she wasn't eating, and she spent most of her alone time crying and reliving her mistake.

She sat on her couch in her living room when a knock on her door startled her. She quickly wiped away the tears that were a constant in her life now. Without checking who was on the other side of the door, she opened it and came face to face with Jessica.

If she were being completely honest with herself, Kate hadn't even thought about her time travel guide (is that what she was?) in months.

"Jessica?"

"Hello Katherine," Jessica said. "I see you're having some problems, can I come in?"

Kate stepped aside, wondering what the hell was going on. Was she being sent back to her original time? She couldn't stomach that thought. At least here Castle was alive. If she were sent back Castle would be dead, and her life would truly be over.

She led the blonde haired woman to her couch and sat down on the end of it. "What are you doing here?" Kate asked, her voice cracking.

"You've messed it up, haven't you," Jessica said bluntly.

"No! I refuse to believe that this is over. Yes, I messed up, but it's not over."

"Are you sure?"

"I…I don't know," she whispered.

"Tell me what happened."

Kate wondered why this woman cared. Kate was here. Jessica had done her duty, explained what was going on, why had she come back? Instead of asking the question, however, Kate told Jessica about the fight she and Castle had, about how he had just disappeared for two weeks and wouldn't talk to her. When she had finished, Jessica shook her head with pity in her eyes.

"I know where he is, but this is going to be tough to fix. He thinks you don't trust him, and I think he's right."

"He's not. I do trust him. But that doesn't mean I don't have doubts. Everyone doubts every once in a while."

"I'm sure that's true, but you took it to another level and called him out on it. Basically told him to his face that you didn't trust him around this other woman and would rather he not be in the same room with her. To him that means your doubts are stronger than you think they are."

"You know where he is?"

"Yes."

"Where?" Kate almost shouted, sick of this woman's run around.

"A hotel. About six blocks from here." She rattled off the address and the room number. "Fix this if you can."

"What if I can't?" Kate asked softly, dreading the answer but suspecting that she already knew it.

"Then you'll have to live the rest of your life knowing that your second chance was lost," she said bluntly. The blonde stood up, gave Kate one last piteous look, and walked to the door and left the apartment.

xxxx

What the hell was she going to say? Obviously she needed to apologize, but that wasn't going to be enough this time. Even if he took her back, it would take a lot of time for him to truly forgive and trust her again. If he ever did. She couldn't believe that after everything, she had done this to him. They'd only been together for six months or so, and she had already ruined it.

Shaking her head, she gathered her courage and knocked on the hotel room door in front of her. The trip to the hotel had been a blur of confused thoughts and mixed emotions. Now that she stood in front of his door, she knew that she wouldn't be leaving until she knew one way or the other. It was time she proved to him that she was willing to fight for them. He had done it often enough in their previous time. Now it was her turn.

xxxx

"Beckett, what do you want," were the first words out of his mouth. Kate shuddered at the memory of the last time he had spoken those words. Somehow she didn't think answering "You" would work this time. This was a different Rick Castle.

"I need to apologize and you need to listen to me."

"I don't really want to listen to you, Beckett."

"Well I don't really care, right now. You left," she shouted, getting angry. "You left and didn't give me a chance to apologize or fix this. Yes I was at fault here, Castle, but you ran away. You don't get to run away from me."

"I don't get to? What does that even mean Kate? This is my life, not yours, and you seem to think you know me better than actually do. And yes, I ran away, but that's because it breaks my heart that the one woman that I've loved in this life doesn't trust me to be faithful to her. Do you know how much that hurts? How much it ruins me?"

"Castle," Kate said, but he cut her off.

"No. You wanted to have this out, well then you can listen to me first. I love you Kate. Not anyone else, and I would never cheat on you. Never. And I thought you knew that. I thought that you loved me enough to realize that I'm in this all the way. Yes. I have walls. But I overlooked them, I walked outside of them in order to be with you. That was hard. It was so hard to put my heart at risk again, and took so much work, and then you take the first opportunity to prove to me that it wasn't worth the risk."

Kate couldn't hold back the tears anymore, and she looked away from him. This wasn't going good. She knew it wouldn't but it sounded like he was done. She looked around, suddenly remembering that she still stood in the hallway of his hotel, no doubt disturbing the entire floor with their shouting match. She pushed past Castle and stalked into his room.

She spun on her heels and asked the question she wasn't sure she wanted the answer to. "So I'm not worth it anymore?"

"You were. But you don't trust me, Kate. I can't be with someone who doesn't trust me. I just…I just can't," Castle said softly as he shut the door.

"So what. We're over? You're giving up after one mistake?"

"It wasn't a mistake and you know it!" Castle shouted, his anger returning. "It's how you feel. If it wasn't you wouldn't have said any of those things. You don't trust me. Trust is everything in a relationship, Kate. If you can't trust me, then we can't be together."

"I do trust you, Rick. I do. But I'm insecure. Everyone has their insecurities, and mine is that I worry that I'm not enough for you. That someday you're going to realize that and you'll go find someone else." While saying the words, Kate realized that this argument was much more appropriate for the previous Richard Castle, not the one standing before her. She suddenly wondered if all of this was more due to her insecurities from times past and not based on the actual personality of this new version of Rick Castle. Well, it's too late now, she thought bitterly.

Castle sighed. "We're not over," he said softly, a look of defeat coming across his handsome face. "You'll always be enough for me, Katherine Beckett. Always. Never, ever doubt it. You are the only one I want, and the only one I'll ever want."

Kate sighed in relief. "I'm so sorry, Rick. So sorry. I know it's not enough, but I'm so sorry."

He stepped forward and wrapped his arms around her. Kate breathed him in, so thankful for yet another second chance.

xxxx

a.n.2. So yeah, it's a bit of a filler, but I didn't want to miss the opportunity for them to deal with the jealousy bug.

The next chapter we jump back into Johanna's case. Reviews are love!