a.n. First, if you're an Alexis fan, you'll probably dislike this chapter. But you already know she died, now you get the story. It's pretty dark, but nothing that should up the rating. Just violent. I tried to capture the emotions here, I hope I've done a decent job of it. I can't imagine what it would be like to lose a child, so even as angsty as I made this, the reality is most likely so much worse. Just keep in mind that I tried.

Second, thanks everyone for the reviews and favs. I don't thank you as often as I should, for that I apologize. Thanks to everyone who takes the time to send along a few words. You all mean so much to me.

Finally, just to set the scene (though there is a previous section below), Kate and Rick just found out that Alexis' and Kate's mom's cases are related somehow. Rick is about to tell the story of how Alexis died. Kate is sitting on Castle's lap, with his arms around her.

Disclaimer: In this world, I do not own Castle. Maybe in some alternate dimension I do. That'd be pretty damn cool. Maybe I could meet Stana there.

xxxx

Previously…

She flopped back down on his lap and wiped away the tears that had managed to flow down her cheeks. "I'm just as shocked as you are, Rick. How could this be real even? If what he said was true, then someone hired a hitman to kill my mom and you and your daughter. What links the two? I think it's time you told me exactly what happened that day Alexis died."

xxxx

Castle sighed and said, "This is hard to talk about, Kate, but you deserve to know. Alexis was almost 10 years old, and she was going to a private school about six blocks from here." Castle cleared his throat and continued, "at the time I was trying my hand at writing two things at once. It was something that I had wanted to try for a long time, but was always too immature to attempt. I've always had a passion for non-fiction, specifically true crime and the like. To me it was like taking my fiction novels that focused on fictional crimes into the real world. I decided to focus on cases that were unsolved.

"I was wrapped up in it for over a year before she died, and I found that I liked having the extra work. I could focus on either non-fiction or fiction while she was at school, and I enjoyed balancing the two. Up until that point I was pretty wild. I embraced the playboy lifestyle, even though I kept it as far away from Alexis as possible, and I enjoyed going out and drinking and partying until sunrise. I relied a lot on Mother during those times.

"One day when Alexis was about to turn nine, she asked me why I was always partying. She told me how some of her friends had found out about my life choices and had made fun of her about it. God, Kate, I was so ashamed. I had never wanted to curl up and die before, but at that moment I can say I felt like I was a failure as a father. It was terrible. It was then that I cleaned up my act. I vowed to make Alexis proud of the man I knew I could be. And I did that for a year. I found a publisher for my non-fiction books, and renegotiated my contract with Gina so that I could do both.

"Life was looking up. Alexis was getting ready to skip a grade and enter junior high, and I was taking my writing career seriously for the first time since college." Castle hastily wiped tears from his eyes and then squeezed her tighter, obviously looking for support, "It all came crashing down one day while I was walking Alexis home from school. We were walking through an alley about four blocks from here when a masked man jumped out at us. Alexis was walking slightly in front of me, as usual as she was anxious to get home to read her school books, so the man was able to get to her first. He…he didn't even say anything, he just grabbed her by the hair and stabbed her twice in the chest. God, there was so much blood, and it happened so fast. One minute we were walking along talking about what she had learned in school that day, the next minute pints of blood were pouring out of her chest and she was sinking to her knees.

"The worst part was I just stood there. I just stood there and watched my angel murdered before my eyes. I did nothing, Kate! Nothing!" He was openly sobbing now, and Kate wasn't any less affected. She couldn't even imagine his pain. Sure she had lost her mother, but she wasn't there when her mom died. She'd seen pictures, but to actually see her bleed out and not be able to do anything? She couldn't imagine the pain that would have caused her. Then she had a terrible thought, I did this. By coming back I did this to him. She knew that she didn't really have a choice, but it didn't help the guilt she felt at causing him so much pain.

Before Kate could console him, or dwell much further on her guilt, Rick continued, "Before I could even do anything else, the bastard had the knife in me. I think he was going to stab me more than twice, but at that moment someone walked by the alley where we were walking and the man, obviously not wanting any witnesses, ran off. I didn't even feel the pain. By that time, I had finally realized what was going on and was able to crawl to where Alexis lay. She was already gone. I…I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye."

The office got quiet after that. Kate, still sitting on Castle's lap, wrapped her arms around her boyfriend and hugged him tight. She didn't have the words to make it better. There were no words. What could she say? 'I'm sorry?' That would mean little.

After they sat there for several minutes, Castle was able to get his emotions under control. Kate leaned back, the evidence of tears still on her lovely face, and said, "If you don't want to tell me more today, Rick, I'll understand. I can't even imagine how hard that was for you to tell me."

"No, it's…it's better I do it now all at once. And believe it or not, it's easier to talk about now than it once was. My shrink has been helping me, and he'd be proud of me for telling you." He took a few calming breaths and then said, "I was in the hospital for a month. The wounds weren't terrible, but I got infected after the surgery so I had to stay until they were sure that everything was all better. Once I was out, we held the service, and then I buried myself in her case. I told you about that, remember?" She nodded, remembering their conversation during their first dinner as partners. "I managed to get the file, and I did everything I could to keep the case open. But after a month, they shut it down, even with the strings I pulled to keep it open. I kept going. I used my connections to look everywhere for who might have killed her. I looked at almost every angle I could think of, and in the end I realized that they had to have been after me. I just didn't know why. Was it a deranged fan? Had I stumbled upon some state secret that meant I had to die? Did it have something to do with my research? Or was it just a random asshole who liked killing people?

"The guy didn't say a word. He didn't try to rob us, he didn't try to shake us down for anything, he just grabbed Alexis and killed her and then tried to kill me. No words. He was wearing all black and had gloves on. All I can remember about him is that he had brown eyes, which of course doesn't mean much. But I'll remember those eyes until the day I die. They were so cold. It was almost like he had no soul.

"After two years of obsessing with the case, I realized that it was a lost cause. Through those two years I was severely depressed and had been put on antidepressants. I OD'd on them one afternoon, wanting it all to end. Rationally I know I wanted it to end. I didn't have any reason to live at that point. But I conned myself into believing that if I took more of the pills maybe I'd be able to start living again. Mother found me unconscious right here in this office. I was in the hospital for four weeks, and almost died several times. Even after I left and started getting help from a therapist, I wished often that I had been successful. I never tried again though. After a few months, I was able to start writing again. Nothing that will ever be published, but it was a start. A few months after that and I was able to start in on the next Derrick Storm novel. I never again attempted to write true crime, as it was just a reminder of everything I had lost."

They sat in silence again. Kate was awestruck by the strength of this man. He had once called her extraordinary. He was the extraordinary one. He had fought to live when he thought he had no reason to live. Even she hadn't been that low. Sure she had gotten into booze and sex after her mom died, and had even tried several drugs, but she had never considered ending it all.

She looked him in the eyes, and said finally, "Rick. She would be so proud of the man you have become. She would want you to live your life, and you have. Yes you faltered there for a while, but you persevered and are now a strong, caring, amazing man. She would be so happy that you're still here, fighting every day to live your life. You live for her, don't ever forget that." Wow, Kate, she thought, that was so grown up.

"Thank you, Kate." He surged forward and captured her lips with his own. She could taste the tears he had shed, but also the love he had for her. Closing her eyes, she pulled herself closer and deepened the kiss.

When they finally pulled apart, Castle said, "I love you, Kate Beckett."

"And I love you, Richard Castle."

xxxx

They decided to put some distance between the telling of Castle's story and their discussion of the case itself. They went to the kitchen to get a late dinner.

While they were eating, Kate asked, "Should we just leave this alone, Rick?"

Looking up from his baked pasta dish, "What do you mean?"

"I mean, we've both been burned by going too far investigating this case. It's obvious that somehow there is someone behind these two cases. I mean a serial killer is possible, but it feels bigger than that to me. What if we burry ourselves in this case again?"

"I'm scared about that too, Kate, but do we have a choice? Sure we could put it out of sight, out of mind, but eventually one of us is going to reopen the case. Whether it's for new information, or just because we can't stand not to, it will happen. And now we have each other. We can watch each other and make sure neither one of us gets too far into it."

Kate nodded, happy with that answer. She wanted to look into the case, if for no other reason than to get answers for Rick. He deserved to have answers. She wanted answers too, but she cared more about his justice than her own. That is the biggest difference between this time and my last life, Kate thought, Rick is finally more important than anything else, even myself.

xxxx

a.n.2. A little short, but I think that is a great place to end it.

The whole point of this fic is to allow Kate to correct her mistakes. She's already done a pretty good job of it, by starting a relationship with Castle. But there are other aspects of her time before that she needed to learn from, namely always putting herself and her mom's case above her love for Rick Castle. In this chapter that finally comes to her, and she grows up a little.

Please leave a review and let me know what you think. Next chapter sometime next week.