HAPPY BIRTHDAY, EREN JAEGER!
It's our favorite titan-shifting German boy with anger issues's birthday, so I decided it was finally time that I post another chapter for this sorry mess of words and feelings. I've been getting multiple requests for a new chapter anyway (meaning I got two). Just want to reassure you all that this awkward gay cancer party is far from over. And for the main protagonist's birthday, I'm posting a new chapter.
Now I've got to get to work. It's almost 11 pm, and I have to post this before it isn't March 30th anymore.
TIME FOR TUMBLR PLUGS.
My blog is asking-appelia. Go follow it. Ask me things. I have anon enabled, and you can say whatever you want.
If you want to post anything related to this fanfic, make sure to tag it "fic: the monsters inside us" or "fic: tmiu." I keep checking the tags and all that ever comes up is stuff that I've posted. No pressure, thought. You can take your time.
Alright, that's more than enough of that.
Story time.
As shocking as it may seem, Jean's disaster of a party did not keep me from coming back to the support group on Tuesday.
Sunday was definitely not what I had been expecting. That wasn't really saying much, since I was so thrown by the invitation that I hadn't been expecting anything in the first place. All the same, getting drunk, throwing up in front of my ex-nurse, passing out and having kinky dreams while sleeping over at my worst-enemy-thus-far's house was the last thing on my mind that day. At least I was lucky enough for Jean to have scheduled the party for a weekend that my dad was on one of his usual short-term business trips. No one had to know that I'd gotten underage wasted and wound up spending the night at Jean's other than the people who were there to see it.
Which, incidentally, included Levi.
Despite my promise to Mikasa on Thursday, Levi wound up being the one to bring us home. Hanji was passed out in the passenger seat the entire time, and my sister was too worn out from dodging Jean's advances the night before to put up much of a fight. Still, no one spoke much on the way to our house. I didn't even give Levi directions. Not that I had done a spectacular job of it the first time, or that he needed them. He seemed to have memorized the route when he drove us home from Trost a few days before.
I was ready to fall to pieces when he dropped us off and pulled out of the driveway.
Sunday night dragging on into Monday morning had been one of the most humiliating stretches of time that I had ever experienced. I had effectively risked my own life for no apparent reason, then became Levi's charity case for the rest of the night. I couldn't believe that I had been stupid enough to do what I had done. Then after I had fucked myself up and passed out, I'd left him to clean up the mess that I had made. At least cleaning was one of the things that Levi did best.
And then there was that stupid little stunt I had pulled on the patio outside. I'd had something in mind when it was happening. The only problem was that I couldn't seem to remember what. Whatever the reason, I still didn't think I would ever be able to face Levi again after that night.
Mikasa hadn't had much of a better time than I had. Jean had noticed my absence mere minutes after Levi had left me to sleep in the bathroom upstairs (I later found out that the towel I woke up with came from him). The bastard immediately began trailing Mikasa like a shark tracking down a bleeding seal. He was flirting with her whenever he had the chance, offering her drinks, trying to get her alone and firing an infinite amount of other meaningless bullshit at her. Finally she got tired and agreed to sit with him under the YCSG tree. The rest of the group gradually gathered with them to avoid the drunken stupor, and that eventually turned into a support-group-wide game of spin the bottle. She'd been kind of surprised with how comfortable the other members were with each other, even though most of the kissing between the others wasn't even on the mouth in the first place. She'd managed to will the bottleneck away from herself for a while, and the group had been willing to give her some slack since she was new.
Long story short, she kissed Jean.
Once. On the cheek. And that was it. He'd tried to convince her to sleep in his room when he found out she'd be staying over, but that was one of the several lines she wouldn't allow him to cross. Once she'd finished telling me, I made a mental note to set Jean on fire the next time I saw him.
Despite all the bullshit we had suffered, we were back at Trost Regional Hospital by the time 3 PM arrived the next day. We were starting to get attached to that ragtag group of quirky adolescent cancer victims, whether we liked it or not. We were now a part of the support group, and the support group was a part of us. No amount of public embarrassment could change that.
Jean's party was the first event that we attended with the Youth Cancer Support Group outside of the hospital, and it was far from the last. The following Thursday, Reiner mentioned after four that he was going to a movie with Bertolt and Annie. Armin had jumped onto the bandwagon and dragged Mikasa and me along with him. The next week Marco invited the whole support group over to his house for something called Bad Movie Night, which involved everybody gathering in his living room, watching a shitty excuse for a film and making fun of it all the way through. I wound up getting sucked into that one as well, since Jean had gotten Mikasa's cell number from an anonymous source (probably Hanji) and refused to stop spamming her until she agreed. Bad Movie Night turned out to be a serious improvement over Jean's party, save for a few more of his sleazy passes at my sister. Contrary to the promise that I had made earlier, I never did succeed in setting him on fire.
True to Bertolt's word, Jean threw another party two weeks after the first. He promised the group that Nicole and her friends would keep their distance from this one. The second party led to another Bad Movie Night, then hanging out with Connie and Sasha at the Erhmich Mall, then half the group gathering to hang out at Armin's, and before I knew it everyone was all buddy-buddy, including me.
And all along, there was Levi.
I didn't see him nearly as much as I saw the rest of the support group. Most of the time I spent with him was at the meetings, and even then we didn't have very much time to ourselves. He sometimes came to the beyond-the-hospital gatherings, especially the Bad Movie Nights, since everyone said his commentary was the best. But other than that, I never saw him. Not that I expected to. Unlike me, he had a life outside of the support group. He had a full-time job as an LPN at Trost and took online classes at night to get ahead in his program at Sina, whatever it was that he happened to be studying for. And he had to have friends other than Hanji and the rest of the support group. When he wasn't busy with other things, he was probably seeing them. Right?
Even with the constant rationalization running through my head, the stupid spells still struck me whenever he was around. They never went away. I could never quite figure out what they were. All I knew was that every time Levi was near I suddenly felt as though I'd inhaled a cloud of hyperactive moths. Also that every time he said something personal about me I started blushing, regardless of whoever was around to hear it. And that I suffered from minor heart palpitations every time he used my real name in a sentence instead of that affectionate little pet name he had given me the summer before. Eren had never seemed like such a special word until Levi started saying it.
I had no idea why. Either that, or I did and I wasn't ready to admit it to myself yet. But I wasn't about to admit that little factoid to myself, either.
The month of July gradually faded into August, and as the days started growing hot and sticky, I finally decided that the others in the YCSG had done enough hosting for me. A short conversation over one of our half-assed dinners assured me that Mikasa was thinking the same thing. I wasn't planning on asking for permission from our dad. Chances were he wouldn't be home while our friends were over, since he pretty much never was. But Mikasa asked anyway. And, unexpectedly, he said yes. Even more unexpectedly, he asked us if we wanted to have anyone stay over, then mentioned Armin's name in passing. I had no idea how the hell my Dad even knew who Armin was, or how he had found out in the first place (I could always trust Mikasa to keep no secrets from anyone.). I pretended not to be shocked by the revelation and conceded to take as much socialization as he was willing to offer me.
So that was how I ended up scrambling around in the kitchen at 6:44 PM on the second Wednesday of August.
Mikasa traipsed in from the hallway, her phone in her hand. "Hey, is the stuff ready yet? Armin just said he's on his way over."
"Almost. It just needs another minute or two," I said. I pulled the oven open and glanced inside. The Toll House Frozen Pre-made I'm Too Fucking Inept At Baking To Do This Myself cookies still looked a little soft in the middle. Mikasa had been smart enough to ask everyone else to eat something substantial before showing up so we wouldn't traumatize them with our depressing home life. But Sasha was invited, and there was no way in hell this operation would succeed without snacks.
"Well, the others shouldn't be getting here for a while, and I don't think Armin is going to mind," Mikasa said, scrolling through the text messages on her phone. "And if they're still not ready by then, we have the popcorn." She nodded toward the massive saucepan of unflavored popcorn on the stove and the assortment of spices and toppings that we had compiled out of the pantry. She'd also been smart enough to think of a popcorn-flavoring bar. God, why was Mikasa always better than me at this kind of thing?
"Good," I said, shutting the oven again. "Can you watch these? I'm going to set up the Xbox in the basement."
"Sure."
And with that, I dashed down the stairs, leaving Mikasa to make sure that the snacks didn't get fucked up and all our friends made it to the house in one piece. A few minutes later, while I was balls-deep in wires and miscellaneous controller pieces, I heard the doorbell go off and footsteps running around over my head. Armin's voice drifted down to me from the upstairs hallway. Mikasa said something that sounded like "He's in the basement." A minute later, I heard the sounds of broken-in sneakers scampering down the basement stairs.
I glanced over my shoulder to see my friend's smiling, blonde-framed face. "Hey, Armin."
"Hi," he replied, cautiously approaching me in my compromised state. "What're you doing?"
"Setting up some games," I said. "Or trying to."
Armin made a face and sat down next to me. "You need some help?"
"That would be great. Thanks. We should probably start by untangling me before Jean and his Instagram show up."
We both set to work on separating me from the rat's nest of wires that I'd made next to the TV. By the time the doorbell rang again, we'd managed to straighten everything out, separate all the wires and plug the right ones into the right places. I'd never known what a good organizer Armin was. Luckily the panic-disentangle that we had accomplished wasn't even necessary. The next person to show up was Connie with Sasha and a plate of brownies along for the ride. The potato destroyer attacked the cookies that Mikasa had just taken out of the oven, then Jean and Marco arrived while the five of us were picking out the games with the best multiplayer modes. Bertolt and Reiner showed up not much later, with Annie tagging along in the back of Reiner's Neon. I hoped she hadn't had to suffer through too much of their PDA during the ride over.
Everyone crammed themselves into the basement, and the games began.
Mario Kart went first, then we had to stop after Jean ragequitted for the second time. Then came Mortal Kombat, and everyone was entertained by how squeamish Armin got during the slow-motion detail shots. It was after the fifth melee battle in Super Smash Brothers that it happened.
The doorbell rang.
At first I wasn't sure if anyone else had heard it other than me. I glanced over my shoulder at Mikasa. "Was that the door?" I asked.
"I don't know," she said with a bemused shrug. "Did you invite anyone else?"
"I don't know anyone else," I replied with a touch of sass. "Did you?"
"No," she answered. Conveniently, Annie decided to make her decisive move while I was distracted. I turned back to the screen just in time to see Meta Knight getting fried by a blast from Samus's cannon. I dropped the controller and let out a loud, colorful stream of swear words while Annie laughed in that creepy, silent way of hers.
"Fine," I grumbled. "I'll go see who it is. I'm out of the game anyway."
No one objected as I stood up and walked out of the basement. The sounds of the gameplay faded behind me as I neared the front door. It was already dark outside. I wondered how long we'd been holed up in the basement as I reached the door and opened it.
"Well, this is a surprise. I was honestly expecting your sister to come up instead of you."
I blinked, half-sure that I was hallucinating. If Connie hadn't put weed in those brownies he had brought, then that meant Levi was standing outside of my front door.
"Oi, brat. You gonna quit staring and say something?"
I opened my mouth to obey him, then shut it again and continued gawking. I didn't have anything to say. How the hell had he gotten here?
"Hi, Eren!" a cheery voice called out from the driveway. I looked over Levi's shoulder to see a little navy sedan parked behind Reiner's car. Hanji was hanging out of the open second-row door, tugging a plastic-covered platter out of the backseat. I should have known it was her that had dragged him here.
My heart skipped for a second. The prying feeling of Levi's eyes fixating on me was still there. I turned back to him and found myself still incapable of speech.
"So are you going to let us in, or are we going to have to stand out here all night?" he snapped.
"W-what are you guys doing here?" I finally asked.
"A little birdy told us you were getting the group together at your house. We were free tonight and it didn't sound half bad, soooo..." Hanji mused. She pushed past Levi and waltzed straight into the hallway. "Wow. Nice place you got here. Why've you been hiding it from us this whole time?"
"I-It's been a while since I've hosted anything, and I wasn't sure that..." I began, but Hanji wandered into the kitchen and deposited her plate on the table before I could finish. "Um... what are those?"
"Rice Krispie bars. I made a ton of them," she said.
"Well, I definitely know one of us is going to appreciate them," I replied with a forced laugh.
Hanji smiled. "So where is everyone?"
"In the basement," I said, nodding towards the open door. "I think they're still playing-"
"Awesome. I'll go say hi!"
"Wait, Hanji, I should probably tell them that you're-"
She disappeared down the stairs before I could finish. Then it was just me and Levi.
Just me and Levi.
I glanced nervously over at him. He was standing leaned back against the counter, his hands in the pockets of his jeans and his silver-blue eyes sweeping lazily over the kitchen. I was surprised that I still remembered what color they were, given how drunk I was when I had first noticed them. I heard muffled shouting from the rest of the group in reaction to Hanji's sudden appearance, but that was the only noise in the room. The silence was starting to make me twitch. I had to say something.
"So... um... fancy seeing you here?" I prompted.
"I'd really say it's more casual," Levi replied, fixing his eyes on me again. I held back the automatic urge to laugh. It was clear that Levi wasn't looking to get a reaction.
"Did Hanji..."
"Yeah, she did."
"I thought so." I let my eyes wander away from his for a while, hoping that it would ease the spastic butterflies in my stomach. Of course, that didn't help at all. Dropping my gaze to his body only conjured up images of the shirtless dream god that I'd seen at Jean's party. But at the very least, I found something to talk about.
"You're wearing that again?" I asked.
"This?" Levi picked at the sleeve of his green flannel that I still inexplicably wanted to rub against my face. "Yeah. Why are you asking? You allergic to plaid or something?"
I kept my eyes focused on the pattern and tried not to think about the sculpted body underneath. "You've worn it literally every time we've seen each other outside of Trost."
Levi glanced back up at me and raised his eyebrows. "I'm surprised you remembered."
"Well... It's so obvious. Why wouldn't I?"
"I never really thought my choice in shirts was something worth mentioning."
"But you wear it so much. Why?" I pried.
"I never mentioned anything about Mikasa's scarf, and she takes that fucking thing everywhere."
"Yeah, but that's..." I said, trailing off. I wasn't exactly sure how to explain it to him. "The scarf is kind of special to her."
"How?" Levi asked, his face still sticking to its blank, bored expression.
I took a deep breath and started the story. "I got it for her from a hospital gift shop back when we were ten. It was during one of times when we were visiting our mom. You know, before she..."
Levi blinked. "Before she died," he finished for me.
"Yeah," I breathed. "Anyway, it was February and it had started snowing while we were waiting for her to get out of another of her chemo sessions. Mikasa had forgotten to bundle up, since my dad had brought us straight from school and it had been warmer that morning. So I just took whatever was left of my lunch money for the week and ran to the gift shop. I only knew that her favorite color was red and she needed something warm, and boom, there was the scarf. I remember that she had brought it back to the hospital the next time we visited and gave it to our mom to keep her head warm, since the heating in her room was a little off, and, you know, she had no hair at that point..." I trailed off, trying to ignore the tightness that built up in my chest every time I told the story behind Mikasa's scarf. "So, when our mom died, she took the scarf back, and she's worn it every day since then."
I looked up from the floor to find Levi gazing at me. His face stayed blank, but there was something flickering behind the blue-grey shield in his eyes. He blinked, and it was gone before I could figure out what it was.
"Oh," he said flatly. "Well, that explains a lot."
I pursed my lips together and did my best to swallow the raw feeling in my throat. "So," I pressed. "What about the flannel?"
"There's nothing about the flannel," Levi responded. "It's just comfortable and I've had it for a long time. I wear pretty much whenever it's clean."
"And that's it?"
"Not everything has a deeper meaning to it, brat."
"Oh. Okay," I stuttered. I felt my face heat up as blood rushed into my cheeks and hoped with all my heart that Levi didn't notice.
"Hey, it's nothing to get embarrassed about. You were curious, and everyone has their own weird little quirks. That's just the way it is."
Fuck. He noticed. "I didn't want to seem nosy or anything."
"I work with Hanji. I stopped giving a shit about nosiness a long time ago."
"Hey, Eren, when did the admins get here?" a new voice said.
The both of us fell silent and turned to face the open basement door. Mikasa was standing in the doorframe, leaning forward with her hands braced against either side. Her smokey black eyes settled on Levi. "Oh. Hanji said you'd be here."
"This would certainly be awkward if she hadn't," Levi coolly replied.
My sister's eyes flickered back and forth between the two of us. "I hope I'm not interrupting anything," she said, her words clipped. "Were you two talking about anything important?"
"No, not really," I cut in before one of them set the other off. "Just talking. I, um... We should probably be getting back to the basement. Everyone else is still down there." I pushed past Mikasa and started down the stairs before either of them could say another word. I didn't care what happened after I left. So long as they kept their fight out of the basement, I didn't want to be around to see it. Bringing two of the most standoffish people I knew together and forcing them to sit in the same room for hours on end had to be the worst idea I had ever heard of. Hanji must have been high on something when she had thought of it.
"Nice scarf," Levi said the second my back was turned.
I glanced over my shoulder. He was still leaned back against the counter, and Mikasa still in the doorway. One hand had wandered to the scarf around her throat, the other gripping the doorframe so tightly that its fingertips had turned white.
"Thanks," she murmured coldly. "Eren got it for me."
I shuddered and turned away, going on ahead of them into the basement. I heard Mikasa come downstairs after me a while later. She scrunched herself up next to me on the couch. I didn't even need to ask what she and Levi had been talking about after I left. The deadened look on her face said enough.
Hanji had already gotten a jump on the games by the time we returned to the basement. She was in her second battle against Reiner and showing the buttons on her controller little to no mercy. Levi was the last one left upstairs. He came in just as Hanji's Toon Link shoved Reiner's Bowser off the platform for the third time and the LPN from hell dropped her controller and started dancing around and cheering for herself.
"Calm your tits, Hanji. It's a game, not an open-heart surgery."
I stifled a laugh and glanced over at Levi, who had perched himself on the arm of the couch opposite to ours. Hanji turned around and flicked up both her middle fingers at him. He stared impassively back at her and took another bite of the Rice Krispie bar he'd brought with him.
I would have laughed again if I weren't interrupted by a tiny nudge on my shoulder. Mikasa glanced sideways at me, her face still stony with resentment. I gave her a look, conveying What? It was funny. as hard as I could. She only sighed and shifted around to stare at the TV. I did the same. Whatever he had said to her in the kitchen, it must have struck a nerve so deep that she was still smarting from the impact.
We sat together and kept our mouths shut for a while longer. Jean swaggered out of his beanbag chair next to Marco and snuck up behind Reiner. "Hey, Reiner, why don't you let me play the next round?"
"And let you lose your shit in front of everyone again?" Reiner scoffed as he returned to the menu screen. "How about no?"
"Come on. She can't be that good."
"Yeah, you're saying that now..." Reiner started, but he cut himself short. "You know what? Fine. But you can't say I didn't warn you." He shoved the controller into Jean's hands and went back to snuggling Bertolt on the floor next to the couch.
Jean sat down crosslegged in front of the TV and went about choosing another character, and Hanji finally stopped dancing once she noticed another round was starting. They picked out an arena and she leaned over to whisper "I hope you're ready to get your ass kicked" directly into Jean's ear.
"Yeah. Put your money where your mouth is, four-eyes," Jean hissed in return.
"I'm sure that's never a problem for you, rich boy."
"3, 2, 1... Fight!"
The trash talking came to a halt as the battle began. Hanji started losing it on the controller as fast as she could, and Jean started doing the same. Mindless button mashing seemed to be surprisingly effective. At first I thought that Hanji had just been on a lucky streak, but Jean had her matched once he started using the same tactic. I watched them play, keeping my eyes locked on the screen and away from the seething Mikasa next to me. I couldn't ignore her there, no matter how much I wanted to. She was squished up next to me on the couch, and I could practically feel her anger seeping through her skin. I didn't dare look over at her. I knew she didn't like to be consoled. She had proven to me more times than I could count that she was strong enough to get over things on her own.
"Why did you tell him about the scarf?" she suddenly asked.
My head whirled around. "What?" I said numbly, not sure I had heard her correctly over the music and frenzied shouting in front of us.
Mikasa kept her eyes fixated on the TV screen. "You told Levi about the scarf," she murmured bitterly. "Why?"
"He asked me," I replied, keeping my voice low. "I didn't think there was anything wrong with-"
"But why? He didn't need to know."
"Mikasa, he just asked. It's not that big a deal."
"Maybe not to you."
"Well, what was I supposed to do?"
"You could have lied about it. It's not that hard."
I sighed and turned back to the game. "Look, Mikasa, I don't know what he said to you up there, but-"
"What has he ever told you, Eren?"
I tensed up in my seat at the question. "What are you asking me that for?"
Mikasa's eyes hardened and she continued. "If he's never told you anything about himself, then why should he have the right to know all this personal stuff about you? Or anyone else in the group, for that matter?"
"I..." I started, but my voice choked out on me before I could finish. She had a point. Levi was as close to a total stranger as someone I saw on a regular basis could get. He hadn't given me a single shred of information about himself other than the basics. I didn't even know his age. And yet, I felt as if I could tell him anything. I wanted to tell him anything. Anything and everything and I didn't even have a reason why.
I took a deep breath and dropped my gaze to the floor. "I don't think he does, actually."
Mikasa huffed and pulled her legs tighter against her chest. "And we finally agree on something."
"No. No, no no no no no no NO NO NOOOOOOOOOO!"
"Game Over. This game's winner is... Fox!"
The announcer's voice echoed through the basement and my attention was dragged back to the TV. A victory symphony was playing in the background and mingling with Hanji's wails of defeat.
"Ha!" Jean dropped his controller and pumped both his fists triumphantly in the air. "I did it! I did it! I won! How do you like me now?!"
Hanji slumped over on the floor and buried her face into the carpet, emitting a long, drawn-out whine. Jean leaned over her. "You thought you were the best, didn't you?" he jeered. "Well guess what? You aren't the only master button masher in this town!"
"But I bet you're the only one in yours," Hanji grumbled. Her hand shot out and caught Jean's face, swatting his forehead with her fingertips.
Jean scooted back and picked up his controller again. "Whatever. I still won," he said as he switched back to the menu screen. Jean dropped his controller again and sent Marco up to play a round against Armin. I glared at him as he lowered himself down into the beanbag next to my legs as if he owned it.
As soon as he was there, his arrogance magically disappeared. Whenever I looked away from the TV and down at him, I caught him glancing over his shoulder and taking a deep, exaggerated breath every few seconds. After what seemed like an eternity of nervous fidgeting, he turned around and knelt in the beanbag chair, grabbing onto the couch cushion for support. I spontaneously moved my feet away from his hands.
"Hey, Mikasa," he murmured. I glanced sideways at her. She wasn't responding. I had no idea what Jean was thinking. She was obviously not in the mood.
"Mikasa," he repeated."Mikasa, I want to talk to you." He reached up and tapped Mikasa's foot. "Mikasa, I-"
Jean was cut short by a swift kick to the chest. He lost his balance and fell backwards into his beanbag chair.
"What?" Mikasa deadpanned.
At least he'd gotten her attention.
Jean straightened himself up, took a deep breath and started over. "Look, I... I just wanted to apologize."
Mikasa glanced down at him, her eyes cold. "For what?"
"For being such an asshole to you, and trying to get with you in the way that I did, like I was cool or something," Jean murmured, looking shamefully down at the floor. "It... it was a really jerk move on my part, and I should have known that it wouldn't work. You're better than that. I know you don't fall for that sort of thing, and it was stupid of me to try it."
"Yeah, it was," Mikasa agreed, her face maintaining a bored expression. It didn't fool me. She was enjoying this.
"And I... Mikasa, I know I'm probably an idiot for even bothering to ask you this now, after all that I've done, but... I want you to give me another chance."
My sister raised her eyebrows. "Another chance?"
"Y-yes," Jean murmured. He pushed the beanbag aside and stood up. "Mikasa... will you go out with me?"
The entire room went silent. Everyone had turned around to see what was going on at our end of the couch. The game had been paused, and I'm pretty sure that even Yoshi and Waluigi had turned to watch. Mikasa stared blankly up at Jean for a moment, and then the corners of her mouth twitched into a smirk. She sighed and shook her head.
"I give up," she said. "Fine. I'll go out with you, Jean."
I had never wanted to see Jean dead more than I did at that moment. Right then, I wanted nothing more than to skewer him like a star on the top of a Christmas tree. But I couldn't do that. Not to Mikasa's new boyfriend.
I shivered at thought of the word. Boyfriend. It had never sounded so tacky to me until then.
The second Mikasa consented to Jean's proposal, I got up and started searching for a new place to sit. Horseface took mine in a heartbeat. I tried to find a new spot, but there was no more space on the couch and there was nowhere left to sit but the floor. A long, growling sigh rushed out of my lungs as I sank down and leaned back against the side.
"Oi. You alright there, brat?" a voice above me said.
I twisted around to look up and my eyes met with Levi's. A tiny shock ran through my nerves. I'd forgotten he was sitting there.
"Yeah," I answered numbly. "I'll get over it."
Levi raised an eyebrow at me. "Really? That seems to be a hobby of yours."
"What?"
"Getting over things," he scoffed, leaning back into the couch. "I've heard it from you so many times. I'll get over it. You sound like you're a fucking wounded soldier or something."
I rolled my eyes and turned back to the tv. The game had unpaused and the battle had started again. "If Mikasa is fine with this, then I'll stay out of it. It's not that complicated."
"I wasn't only referring to this, brat."
"Then what were you referring to?"
Levi didn't answer. He knew that I hadn't even needed to ask. I failed to push away the memory of the call button and clinging to his hand for dear life as I slumped against the side of the couch and stared numbly at the onscreen battle.
Things went as quiet as the gaming noise would allow. Marco and Armin's fight ended, Armin won and another round started. Levi spoke up after a while. "I wasn't betting on it happening either, you know."
"Mikasa and Jean?" I asked.
"Yeah. I was kind of hoping she'd say no to him." He let out a soft, humorless laugh. "As if Seabiscuit needs any more reasons to have a superiority complex."
A smile crawled onto my face at the mention of Jean's new nickname. "I'm pretty sure Mikasa will cut him down before long. Just because she said yes doesn't mean she'll be swooning over him every second."
"It doesn't mean he won't expect her to either." Levi repositioned and leaned in close to me. "I'd give them a month," he whispered. "Six weeks, tops. There's no way they're going to last."
I smirked, ignoring the little thrill that ran down my spine at the feeling of Levi's breath brushing against my ear. "If you need to know anything about Mikasa, it's that she doesn't put up with any kind of bullshit. Her last relationship lasted three weeks, and believe me, the guy was nowhere near as bad as Jean. If she doesn't drop him within two, then he deserves a fucking medal."
"As if you'd even give him one in the first place," Levi murmured before drawing away from my ear. I glanced up at him, suddenly wishing he hadn't left.
Wait, what am I thinking?
He was still there. He was sitting right next to me. He hadn't gone anywhere, he just didn't have his face directly next to mine anymore. Why would I even want him to be that close? I turned back to the TV, wondering what the hell was wrong with me.
The gaming continued, and the time gradually ran itself into the ground. Before we knew it, eleven PM was fast approaching. Levi and Hanji volunteered to stick around to help us clean up, or more accurately, Hanji volunteered and Levi wasn't in the mood to argue about it. Marco called his mom to pick him and Jean up, and Reiner told Annie to let him know when she wanted to leave. I wasn't so sure that she was listening to him, since she was in the middle of face-to-face texting with Armin at the moment, but she still tugged on his sleeve a while later to let him know she wanted out. Armin followed them upstairs and left Mikasa and I to clean up the mess that everyone had left. He didn't come back to the basement for an unusually long while. Marco's ride from Trost showed up before my friend did, and I had to seethe all by myself when Mikasa let Jean gave her a not-on-the-cheek kiss goodbye. I wondered what was keeping my best friend upstairs for so long.
When Armin finally reappeared, he was carrying a huge black case slung over his shoulder. I looked up from the tangled console wires I was unhooking with a touch of surprise. "What is that?" I asked.
"It's my guitar," Armin replied innocently, shrugging the shoulder he had weighed down with the case strap.
"You have a guitar?" Hanji piped up from her position on the couch. She'd been the one to offer her help cleaning up, but all she seemed to be doing was rifling through my game collection.
"Um... yeah." Armin leaned the case up against the coffee table and went over to help me with the wires. "I don't know why I brought it in the first place. You know, since we would be playing games the whole time. I was hoping to get some practice later tonight, but the games went pretty late, and-"
"Hold on, Coconut," Levi said. I snickered under my breath. Even though he'd stuck me with "brat," Levi was a certifiable master of nicknames. "You never told me you were a musician."
Armin blushed and started stuttering. "Well, I-I'm not... I've only been learning for a little more than a year... I'm really not that good..."
"But you can play it, right?" he cut in.
"Well, I'm still improving, but I guess I can..."
"Mind showing us?" Hanji asked brightly. Levi glared at her, and she added, "I mean, once we're done with cleaning up and everything, of course."
"Um... sure?" Armin replied, the words sounding more like a question than an answer.
"Alright then. After we're done cleaning up in here, you're going to play for us." Levi's words sounded strangely commanding, but no one had any time to point it our before he went back to sweeping crumbs off of the coffee table.
"Well, would you look at that," Hanji said as she slid the last of the games back onto their shelf. "The little Coconut's finally coming out of his shell."
The basement was back in order in a matter of minutes. I wasn't sure if things went faster because of teamwork, or because Levi was just that eager to see exactly how much talent Armin had been hiding from us this whole time. Once there was no longer any evidence that a party had ever taken place, Levi instructed Armin to set himself up on the couch.
"Are you sure you guys want to stay around to watch?" he asked, sounding nervous.
"Of course we do," Hanji reassured him.
"But wouldn't that mean you guys would be staying out a little late?"
Levi rolled his eyes. "Why, are you worried we'll break our curfew or something? How old do you think we are?"
I sighed to myself. Wasn't that the question of the day.
"So," Mikasa cut in, dropping down onto the couch next to Armin. "Are you going to play for us, or did you drag that massive thing all the way here just for fun?"
"I really don't see how dragging anything that big could possibly be fun," I said, eyeing the guitar as I moved to sit down on the floor. It was a wonder he'd even been able to carry it down the stairs. The case was almost the size of his entire body.
Armin tugged the case into his lap. "Believe me, it wasn't. I don't even know why I wanted to bring it in the first place. I wasn't even going to-"
"Would you just quit the stalling and play?"
"Okay, okay. Sorry." Armin pulled back the zipper and slid his guitar out. It seemed relatively new, other than the faded finish on the wood. "I'm going to have to tune it first though, so..."
"That's alright, we can wait," Hanji chirped.
And we waited. For the next five minutes.
"You're still stalling, aren't you Armin?"
Armin's face flushed and his fingers tightened on the keys. "I-I'm sorry, it's just- I've never performed in front of anyone, and I..."
"Armin."
My friend's mouth snapped shut at the sound of Levi's voice. His wide blue eyes shifted warily over to my ex-nurse. "We're not here to judge you," he said. "You know that, right?"
Armin didn't answer. He just sighed and sank his teeth into his lip before poising his fingers over the frets and strumming the strings a few times. A second later, he looked up at the rest of us. "Any requests?"
I raised my eyebrows. "You were doubting your ability to play guitar literally twenty seconds ago, and now you're taking requests?"
"I don't have any ideas," Armin said with a shrug. "I can usually play simple four-chord stuff."
"Do you know Skinny Love? You know, that Bon Iver song," Mikasa chipped in.
Armin looked back down at his guitar strings. "Skinny Love was actually one of the first real songs that I learned, but pretty much everyone knows how to play that one. It's nothing special."
"So what? I love that song. Go ahead." Mikasa tapped the side. "Play it."
Armin didn't bother protesting. He took a deep breath, repositioned his fingertips and started to play. The basement filled with soft, plaintive notes thrumming in a steady rhythm. As soon as the song reached its second measure, Armin seemed to have gone into another plane of existence. His eyes were downcast at his guitar, the anxiety and nerves that I'd seen less than a minute earlier suddenly nonexistent. I laid my head back against the couch cushions and let the music seep into my soul.
He said he wasn't sure if he could play well. Ha. Bullshit.
The one thing I didn't expect was for him to start singing.
"Come on, skinny love, just last the year..."
Suddenly I was sitting bolt upright again. Where the hell did that come from?
"Pour a little salt, we were never here..."
Armin's mouth was moving along with the words, and as hard as it was to believe, the voice did sound kind of like his. It was quiet and a little breathy, even that didn't detract from the melody. It only gave it a soft, expressive feel that couldn't have been better fitted to the song he was playing.
"Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer...Tell my love to wreck it all, cut out all the ropes and let me fall..."
"Holy shit," Levi murmured, too quietly for anyone sitting on the couch to hear.
Armin's eyebrows knitted as he changed positions on the fret. "And I told you to be patient, and I told you to be fine..."
The four of us sat like dolls and watched him, letting the music hold us in a trance until it stopped. Armin's hand stilled over the strings and he turned back into the blushing, embarrassed mouse boy we all knew so well. "I can't remember any of the lyrics after that."
Hanji was gawking at Armin, her eyes looking unnaturally large behind her glasses. "Holy Mother Theresa."
"Armin, that was..." Mikasa began, but she was never able to finish.
"Since when were you able to do that?" I asked.
"I don't know. I haven't been playing for very long-"
"That's not what I'm talking about," I said. "You never told us you could sing."
"You- you liked it?" Armin gushed, his cheeks bright pink and his eyes like cue balls.
"Um, YES," Hanji answered for me. "Your voice could probably punch half the pop stars on the planet in the face."
"Whoa. Really?"
"Jesus fucking christ..." Levi muttered, running a hand over his hair. "Yes, Armin, you have talent. How many goddamn times are you going to have to hear us say it before you stop asking?"
"Wow... thanks," Armin murmured, looking shyly away. He ran his fingers delicately over the bridge. "Should I play another one, or-"
"Yes, yes, please god yes!" Hanji blurted out.
Armin blinked, his face blank with disbelief. "O-okay..." He repositioned his fingers over the strings and the opening notes of A-Team drifted out into the air.
"White lips, pale face, breathing in the snowflakes..."
I leaned back against the couch cushions again, resting my head against Mikasa's feet. I'd never liked pop music, and I hadn't even bothered listening to the song when it had first gotten famous, but something about the raw, unedited way Armin played it made it sound different. As the song progressed, I realized that it was actually pretty good. The melody was soft and haunting, and the lyrics sounded like they could actually hold some kind of meaning. I'd never noticed it before. I probably just hadn't given the song a chance because its popularity had doomed it from the start.
"They say she's in the class A-team, stuck in her daydream..."
My eyes drifted closed while I listened to the soft notes floating around in the room. Then, all of a sudden, they stopped again.
I sat up again. "Was that it?"
Armin looked down at me and shrugged. "I skipped over the second verse. I can never remember the lyrics."
"Well, is there anything that you know all the words to?" Mikasa pressed.
Armin went silent for a second, as if he needed time to think. "Well, there are a lot, but I haven't had all that much practice playing them myself."
"Why does it matter?" I asked, giving him a small smile. "Just go for it. One song, all the way through."
"Okay," Armin said, returning the smile. It faded a second later. "I don't think anyone else is going to know this one though."
"We don't care, Coconut. Just play it."
Armin sighed and focused back on his guitar. He started to sing the second his fingers hit the strings.
"Stay for tonight, if you want to, I can show you, what my dreams are made of..."
Armin was wrong. I had heard this before. It was one of the songs he'd squealed at when he saw it sitting in my iTunes library. Of course, there were other Sleeping with Sirens songs that I liked better than If I'm James Dean Then You're Audrey Hepburn. I had never been a fan lovesongs (especially not lately). But for some reason, the way Armin played it wouldn't allow me to hate it. I didn't even mind when he missed a note or his fingers slipped on the chords. The stupid sentiment behind the song didn't seem to matter anymore.
My thoughts started drifting out of my control while I sat and listened to the soft, lilting melody from Armin's guitar. Somehow the lyrics reminded me of something that I'd wanted to ask a million times before, but never had. It seemed like an odd question every time I thought of it, but only because my brain always seemed to take it out of context. It was just a simple question. One that he wouldn't mind answering.
"How the hell did you ever pick me? Honestly, 'cause I could sing you a song, but I don't think words could express..."
I leaned over and tapped Levi on the shoulder. His razor-sharp eyes glanced sideways at me. "Hm?" he hummed in acknowledgement.
"Hey, Levi, how old are you?" I asked quietly.
Levi blinked and tilted his head to the side. "Why are you asking me something like that?"
"I forgot what you said in your introduction," I said quickly. At least it wasn't a total lie.
"Why does it matter?" Levi replied flatly. He didn't seem too offput by the question. Then again, he never really seemed any way about anything.
"It doesn't, I guess," I admitted. "I was just curious."
"Weird thing to be curious about," he said, a smirk tugging at the corner of his mouth. He turned around to lean back against the couch. "I'm twenty, if you absolutely have to know," he added a second later.
"Oh," I murmured dumbly. I sat back against the couch and stared at the powered-down TV screen. Twenty. That wasn't that much older than me. I knew Levi had always looked pretty young, but I never thought that he was that young. I wondered how he had gotten his LPN certification so early on.
I sighed and tilted my head back over the cushions. Armin looked down at me from behind his bangs and flashed a smile at me as the lyrics kept spilling from his mouth.
"Please stay as long as you need, can't promise things won't be broken, but I swear that I will never leave..."
I stuck my tongue out at Armin in response and went on to staring up at the ceiling. The torrent of thoughts that had been swirling around in my head before asking Levi for his age hadn't calmed down in the slightest. I thought that maybe once I had my answer everything would stop. I couldn't have possibly been more wrong.
I glanced over at Levi. What was it about him that made me lose control of my thoughts like this? He was just some nurse who had taken care of me some long, irrevocable amount of time ago. I'd met more of those in the past few years than anyone should ever see in their entire lifetime. But there was something else. Something that I wasn't seeing yet.
I had wondered before why he had come back into my life after we had separated for what I thought would be forever after my surgery. Now the question came rushing back to me, stronger than ever. There had to be a reason for this. Maybe there was something that our meeting that summer had left unfinished.
The second the words crossed my mind, my heart started fluttering. It didn't stop until the end of the song.
I glanced up at the couch when the strumming slowed down and stopped again. Hanji looked close to tears.
"That... was beautiful," she gushed, her fingertips pressed to her lips.
"Thanks," Armin said shyly, blushing all over again.
"Play another one."
"A-are you sure?"
Levi groaned under his breath and tilted his head back to glare up at her. "Hanji, we're going to be here all night at this rate."
"Come on, don't be such a killjoy. One more, and then we'll leave."
"When I was asking him to play before, I only meant to stick around for a song or two. My shift starts at eight tomorrow."
"And I'll pay for your coffee tomorrow. I promise." Sure that she'd shut Levi up, Hanji turned to Armin. "Please. Just one more," she begged.
"Um..." Armin's face reddened until he looked like he'd just gotten the worst sunburn of his life. Hanji had practically thrown herself into his lap begging for another performance. Mikasa was trying not to laugh at them. "Sure," he eventually agreed. "I guess I could do one more."
Levi rolled his eyes and slumped back towards the floor. I watched him sink and then looked up at Armin. Another soft melody echoed from the strings and fell into a steady rhythm. Then he started to sing again.
"Lights out, I still hear the rain, these images that fill my head, now keep my fingers from making mistakes..."
Levi shifted around on the carpet next to me. He stretched his legs out and lowered himself onto his side, his head coming to rest on the floor next to me. He let out a heavy sigh and closed his eyes. I stared down at him, my heart once again hammering in my chest. I hoped that he wasn't planning on spending the night in my basement.
Suddenly his eyes cracked open and flicked toward me. "What? I'm just getting comfortable."
I tore my eyes away and tried to ignore the burning in my cheeks. It wasn't the first time he'd caught me staring at him. And yet I still got just as embarrassed.
"Now there's an aching in my back, a stabbing pain that says I lack, the common sense and confidence, to bring an end to promises..."
Levi had done nothing but confuse me since our paths had crossed again. I hadn't been able to feel anything but conflicted about him. Ever since I had met him again at that first support group meeting, I had wanted to reconnect with him. I had pushed the fact out of my consciousness more times than I would count, but that was the truth. And every time I tried to go through with it, everything seemed to fall apart. I was within inches of becoming a fully-fledged blushing schoolgirl and referring to him as "senpai." I already had the blushing down to a science. But senpai had noticed me a long time ago, and there wasn't any use flipping out about it now.
"Don't make this easy, I want you to mean it, Jasey, say you'll mean it..."
I never felt as awkward or as comfortable as I did with him. And something deep in my soul was telling me that things had changed for me. Ever since that day that I had grabbed his hand before the surgery, something was different. I'd changed the entire course of my life in that single moment, that one stupid, desperate act that I regretted with every fiber of my being. No matter how many times I tried to convince myself, I could only run from the truth for so long.
I had remembered Levi after I left Trost that summer. And I had been wondering for a long time whether he had done the same for me.
The lyrics in Armin's song continued outside of my thoughts.
"I've never told a lie, and that makes me a liar..."
The words worked their way past the hellstorm in my head and struck a chord somewhere in me that I hadn't even known existed. Without thinking, I risked another glance at Levi lying on the floor next to me. He was sprawled out on the carpet, his eyes drifted shut and his head was only inches from my hand. I wanted so badly to reach out and run my fingers through his hair.
No. What am I thinking?
"I've never made a bet, but we gamble with desire..."
Ever since I had found him again, I'd wanted things to go back to the way they were when he'd been my nurse at Trost that summer. But now I knew they never could be. Things were different now, and in a way that I never could have expected.
No. Please, god, no. Anything but that.
"I've never lit a match with intent to start a fire..."
Suddenly I understood. All the times I'd started blushing for no apparent reason, the reason why my heart skipped a beat every time he said my name, even when I'd narrowly avoided throwing up all over him at a party because of a meaningless idea that I'd had when I was too drunk to walk in a straight line. All of it was starting to make sense now. I'd given up. I couldn't hide it from myself anymore.
"But recently the flames are getting out of control."
I had a crush on Levi Ackerman.
And there was nothing I could do to stop it.