Happy Halloween (almost). It's me again. No, I'm not gone yet. Far from it.

Well, here we are. As of today, TMIU has been published on the internet for an entire year. Last April, one of my friends convinced me that the dumb and upsetting idea to write a TFIOS-Attack on Titan crossover actually wasn't that dumb, although it still was pretty upsetting. On October tenth last year, I decided that the first few chapters were good enough for me to post the story online. Now, over 1800 AO3 hits, about five tumblr posts and a lot of motivational comments later, I'm still writing this clusterfuck of a fanfiction.

No, I'm still not finished with it. And at the rate it's going, I might not be for another year. But who really cares? More time for this emotional disaster story to develop a fandom of its own!

Between the start and the story in its current state, there have been a lot of rough patches. I had more than one existential crisis, deleted my author blog and repeatedly almost gave up on finishing the story. And it's still not finished. But I haven't stopped working on it, and that's what actually matters at this point, right?

Now, before I drag out this gut-spilling author's note any further, I want to make an announcement. I probably won't be posting another chapter until about December. For some dumb reason, I decided it was a good idea to start publishing a story that begins at the beginning of the summer in the middle of autumn. Now I'm going to have to delay new updates for a while, not only because I need time to write more, but also to match up the story a little better with current events. People might like reading a Christmas chapter better when it's, you know, actually Christmas.

Thanks again to my irl friends and betas who have put up with my demands every few weeks to read another chapter of my bullshit before i post it, usually only a day in advance. I especially want to thank frozenheart23 for their commentary on all the chapters. Your thoughts and opinions are literally one of the greatest reasons why I want to keep writing this story.

If you've been ghost reading this story up to this point, I'm going to have to ask you to leave a comment or something, just to let me know you're here. You really have no idea how much it helps. You should know that fanfiction writers like me are disgusting thirsty attention whores who thrive off the approval of their viewers. Even better, you could follow me on tumblr at the-angstiest-author. Reblog my posts. Leave me an ask. Are you in the mood to do any of those things? Good. Do them.

And, if it wouldn't kill you, you can post about this story and tag it with "fic: the monsters inside us" or "fic: tmiu." I track both. Do you feel like doing that instead of leaving a review? You want to do both? Fantastic. Go right ahead.

Jebus, this is probably the longest author's note I've left in a while.

I'm going to stop now before I take up half the page with my improvised keyboard smashing and get tp the keyboard smashing that's actually been read and edited. You should know what I always say next.

Story time.

It was too soon after Bertolt's funeral for anyone in the Youth Cancer Support Group to change how they felt. Blinking lights, new-fallen snow and carols playing almost everywhere you go don't really help much when just four days earlier, you watched one of your friends get lowered into the ground.

Or known that it had happened, since you couldn't handle being around to see it for yourself.

You know that the time is supposed to be a happy one. Everyone around you is excited and smiling. So you try to smile back, but the sentiment just doesn't reach deep enough. No one in the YCSG was able to do it. Neither was I. But time always marches on, whether you want it to or not.

So Christmas Eve arrived without mercy.

The Youth Cancer Support Group always got together and did something fun for Christmas, or so Hanji had told me before what had happened earlier in December had happened. I had been sort of excited about it (probably more than sort of), although I had no idea what "something fun" entailed when it came to Hanji. But judging by the fact that the whole group was involved, it probably lived up at least adequately to the hype that Hanji put into it. I guessed that it was just an extra-special meeting, similar to the others but less focused on therapy and more on fun.

That was the theory I had in mind when I received this text from her while sitting in my room on December twenty-third.

New Message from: HellPN

Hey everyone! In light of current events, Im not so sure how well this will go over, but traditions are traditions. The annual YCSG Christmas party is happening on December 24th at Levis! Address is 104 Prometheus Drive. Party starts at 6pm, end time still in the works. Respond if youre interested.

I stared at my phone and re-read the message about twelve times over, wondering what the hell had gotten into her. Obviously no one would be in the mood to go to a party a few days after a funeral. I thought that the group's last sad attempt at a meeting would have proven that well enough.

I locked my phone and tossed it on my bed. Like hell anyone would respond to a party invitation at a time like this.

Two minutes later, my phone vibrated again. As it turned out, the invitation had been a blast text and now a group chat had constructed itself in my inbox. And Connie had just replied to it.

Stonnie: Sounds cool. I can probably come.

I read the response a few times over, then locked my phone and dropped it again. Well, that's just Connie, I thought. I've hardly ever seen him upset. I guess it makes sense if he bounces back so fast.

My phone buzzed again before I could finish the thought.

HellPN: Fantastic!

Okay. That's just one person.

I didn't think anyone else would respond to the group message. Then my phone vibrated again after a few minutes had passed. I ignored it at first. There couldn't have been that many people who wanted to come. But when it had gone off I-can't-even-remember-how-many-more times in the next fifteen minutes, I was forced to check it, if only to see what the hell was going on. I unlocked my phone and opened my inbox to find that there was an entire conversation underway.

Freckled Jesus: i'd love to come.

Seabiscuit Scumbag Kirschtein: I think I'm free that day. I'll check to see if I am.

HellPN: Great cant wait to see you guys!

Coconut: i think i can go. sounds fun! :)

HellPN: We would love to have you there Armin

Potato Queen: I can probably go. How long is it going to be?

Seabiscuit Scumbag Kirschtein: Yeah I am free christmas eve. Parents are having a dinner, but I don't have to be there.

HellPN: Theres no set end time. We r winging it for now

HellPN: Ok Jean, youre on the list!

So almost the entire group was coming. That was unexpected, to say the least. I was starting to think that maybe Hanji's ideas weren't really so terrible. It was just dawning on me that Levi was supposed to be hosting this party but wasn't managing the invitation chat when my phone shivered again, this time in the palm of my hand. It seemed to be just as surprised by the next message that appeared in the group chat as I was.

The Quiet One: i think i can go

What?

I had to blink a few times to make sure I wasn't misreading the contact name. Next to Reiner, she had been one of the people worst damaged by Bertolt's death. If that was still the case, why would she want to-

Armadillo Warrior: I can probably make it. Might be a little late but I think I can

Well, that settled it. The entire support group was going, even the ones who I had assumed were emotionally destroyed. I was the only one missing. If I didn't respond now, things might end up messy, especially since Levi had now officially taken it upon himself to make sure that I was actually getting better in the care of the YCSG. I hesitantly tapped the screen of my phone to open up a new message and started thinking about my response. It took a lot longer than I thought it would. Twice the screen nearly went dark while I sat there thinking. Finally. I pressed my thumbs to the tiny keyboard and-

"Hey, Eren, did you get Hanji's message?" Mikasa said out of the bright fucking blue. I was so startled when I spun around to face her that I nearly threw my phone at her head.

"Y-yeah, I did," I stammered. "Do... do you want to go?"

She shrugged, still leaning against the doorframe, her own phone grasped in one hand. Her eyes fixed expectantly on me. "I dunno. Do you?" she prompted.

I had no idea what kind of answer she was looking to get out of me. "I... not sure, I was thinking... it looks like everyone else... Maybe. Probably. I don't know."

"Yeah, I'm not sure either," Mikasa said. "It might be a little toxic there, what with everything that's happened. I don't know why they're still trying to have a party when everybody's depressed." She paused, then looked to me and added, "Come to think of it, I was kind of wondering why they decided to host the thing at Levi's place."

Right about then, it hit me. "That's what this is really about, isn't it?"

"I don't know, Eren," she replied innocently. "Why don't you ask your morning wood?"

"What my dick does while I sleep is none of your business," I grumbled, my face burning.

"Then let it stay out of this. Do you want to go or not?"

"I'm trying to ask you the same question."

"Think of it this way: would Dad say yes if he knew you were going to be partying at the residence of the overage guy who he already knows you sort of want to get with?"

I was starting to get tired of all her waffley bullshit. "Okay, either you want to go, or you don't. Which is it?"

Mikasa glared at me and slumped over, seeming disappointed. "I'm busy Christmas Eve, and I don't want you to go over there and do something stupid."

I waited for her to say more, but she never did. "Is that it?"

Pretty much. One of my friends is having everyone come over to her place for dinner that night, and I've already got the whole thing planned out with Dad. I can't change my plans around the day before."

"Then I can get a ride from Armin and he can keep tabs on me during the party. I think I can manage on my own for one night."

"Around the guy you so desperately want to bang?"

"Mikasa, I've told you already, it's not like that anymore."

"Did your morning wood tell you that?"

"Goodbye, Mikasa," I said definitively. I flopped over on my bed and rolled to face the wall. I heard her leave my door a moment later, then her bare feet padded down the hallway and her own bedroom door swung shut. It was only then that I felt safe enough to send in my reply.

Me: Sounds fun. I'll be there

Mikasa's response popped up a second later.

Best Sister: I'm gonna be busy that night. Sorry -_-

Hanji replied to the both of us within a minute.

HellPN: Yay thanks for joining Eren!

HellPN: Mikasa Im sorry to hear that :( Next time then

With not a moment to spare after I read the messages and locked my phone, Mikasa was back in my doorway. "So it's settled, then. You're going?"

"Yeah. You saw the messages."

"You probably should have asked Dad first. Just saying."

"I'll ask him when he's home. If he says no, then I can just get back to Hanji and tell her I can't come."

"You don't have to wait for him. He has the ability to text, you know."

"Fine," I agreed. "I should probably get it out of the way as soon as I can anyway." Mikasa left, satisfied with my communication skills, and I sent my dad a message that went something like this.

Me: Hi dad. The group is having a party tomorrow for Christmas. It starts at 6. Armin's grandpa can take me. Is it ok if I go?

That text, as I should have guessed, turned into a phone call. My dad grilled me with questions. When was the party supposed to end? When would Mr. Arlert be picking me up? Who else was going? What was I going to be doing there? As soon as I told him where the party would be, there was audible hesitation coming through in his voice. I assured him more than was probably necessary that I wouldn't be alone. If the worst happened, Armin was more than capable of taking my phone and notifying him of whatever disaster I happened to have brought upon myself. Once I added Armin to the equation, my dad seemed to calm down a little. After a whole twenty minutes of debating the issue, he finally gave me permission. The only condition was that he insisted on bringing me, since he would be heading out of the house around then anyway. His lab firm was hosting a party of its own. He had been contemplating whether or not he would go to, and now that I had something to do, the issue was finally settled.

The conversation ended at that. I didn't realize until afterward that my dad's words had some heavy implications in them. If I hadn't brought up the party at Levi's, there was a chance that he would have given up a pretty big social event with his coworkers to... I hadn't been able to figure it out that far. But the most likely option seemed to be that he would have skipped out on the office party to spend the evening with me.

I didn't linger on the subject for too long. After all, I had a party to get to the next night, and I was going to need a few things that I had only thought about in theory before.

All I had to do now was figure out a way to get to Target in the next twenty-four hours.

The first half of Christmas Eve passed pretty slowly.

It didn't seem that way at first. I woke up late, and had a momentary panic attack over the fact that I only had about eight hours until the party and hadn't done a single thing that I had been hoping to do the night before. Then I ventured out into the house to find that my dad was home for the day. It turned out that he had decided to take a small vacation for the stretch of days between Christmas and New Year's. It was his coworkers' decision more than his own, he told me. (Big surprise there. I was sure that most of them had a better relationship with him than I did. They probably knew all about him and his personal life. Maybe the were worried about his stress levels or something.)

I let him know how much I appreciated his presence by immediately asking him to take me out to get a few things for the night. He agreed to do it, of course. Because if dads don't provide for their kids, then what are they even for?

His words, not mine. I swear.

I spent the rest of the day digging wrapping materials out of the storage closet in the basement and putting together a small arsenal of little packages. I had an uncontrollable urge to prove to the group that I was worth inviting to their parties. It left me feeling determined to give them all something, even if most of the somethings were cheap and probably a little uncreative. But it was the holiday season. People always give gifts around then. It just felt right.

I packed my collection of presents into a bag while my dad finished suiting up for his office party. To my surprise, he was pretty talkative with me while we drove to Levi's, only stopping whenever the GPS on his phone interrupted us to give him another direction. As it turned out, there wasn't anything new or interesting in either of our lives. It didn't matter all that much. The conversation only had to last us about fifteen minutes anyway.

The GPS led us into a small development of garden apartments on the other side of Shiganshina. It was too far for me to have walked, in spite of Shiganshina being a pretty small town. I didn't recall ever having seen the place before. The buildings in the development looked kind of like oversized houses, built out of faded brick and with way more doors than was reasonable. Each door had its own color, as if that was supposed to set it apart from the others and make it unique, when in reality just a few doors down there was another one just like it. The place itself didn't look all that bad, but something about it seemed a little... I don't know, rock-bottom. It looked like a place that people only lived in because they were planning on moving out soon.

The GPS stopped my dad's Highlander in front of a navy blue door in a building with bricks of a muddy, khaki-brown color. The number on the tarnished metal mailbox next to the door had the number 104 displayed on it in polished brass.

"I guess this is the place," I said.

"Doesn't look too bad," my dad replied. "A little small, maybe, but that's probably only because he lives alone. I've got to wonder how he's planning on fitting the whole support group in there, though."

"There aren't as many people as there used to be, Dad." My voice sounded hollow when I said it.

My dad glanced nervously at the steering wheel and cleared his throat. "Oh. Well... I..."

"It's alright," I assured him. At least then he felt safe enough to look back at me.

"Have fun, alright?" he said. "And remember to let me know when you get home. I'll probably be out later than you. Alright?"

"I will," I replied as I clicked free of my seat belt and pushed the door open. "Thanks for bringing me here. See you tomorrow, Dad."

"See you soon. Have a good time," he responded. And then, out of nowhere, he added, "I love you."

I stopped right where I was, the car door half closed and my foot already twisted to turn me around. I met his gaze with mine and offered him a small, heartened smile. "I love you too, Dad."

My dad beamed back at me, then the car door fell shut and I was heading up to Levi's front door while my last living parent drove away. As soon as he was gone, I felt my nerves rush to their edges. I tried as hard as I could to forget about it and pressed the doorbell. I noticed a familiar shitty Neon and Hanji's little navy sedan scooted into parking spaces nearby. I heard footsteps stamping out a fast, muffled rhythm, and a second later, the door in front of me swung open. Hanji's grinning, four-eyed face appeared in the doorway. "Merry Christmas!"

Her holiday spirit was too infectious for me to resist. "Merry Christmas," I replied, my face pulling up into a smile.

Without a second to spare, she lunged through the door and pulled me into a deathly-tight hug. "You took so long to respond to the invite. I was starting to think you weren't going to come."

"It was only half an hour. That wasn't actually long enough to make you worry, was it?"

Hanji reluctantly let me go and opened her mouth to respond, but a shout from inside interrupted. "Hey, shitty glasses, can you bring the new guest in and stop letting the heat out? I don't want to get my rent raised."

The smile that was already making my cheeks hurt tugged the corners of my mouth even higher. Hanji spun around to scamper back into the building, and I raced after her. As soon as I entered the apartment, the smells of rosemary, parmesan, cinnamon and sugar hit me like an overwhelming wall of deliciousness. My heart was pounding for some unidentifiable, completely identifiable reason. I could feel blood fluttering in my veins. I chalked it all up to the party and secondhand excitement from Hanji and moved on to exploring what I could see of Levi's apartment.

The place was pretty small as far as housing goes, but a relatively good size for one person, especially one who had been a student only a few years earlier. The entryway was tiny, no bigger than a walk-in closet with a door on my right and a staircase just past it. A bit further on it opened up into a mediocre-sized living room. Every last inch of it was clean, almost to the point of looking sterilized. Not that I would have expected any less from Levi.

The living room had a decently-sized flatscreen TV on top of a small IKEA shelf jammed into the corner. A secondhand-looking couch was pushed up against the wall, a secondhand-looking coffee table sat the middle of the room, a sliding screen door with a tiny, snow-covered concrete patio out back. A few support groupies were scattered around the room, and just beyond them there was even a little evergreen tree in the corner next to the TV, hastily strung with white lights and a small silver star perched at the top. I ran to my friends and earned enthusiastic holiday greetings from whoever was willing to give them. That didn't include everyone, but I didn't find the fact surprising at all.

It took me a second to notice, but I realized that Hanji hadn't come with me to see the rest of the group. I looked back to where I had come from and noticed something I hadn't before. There was a huge block missing from the wall behind the living room. It looked kind of like an oversized take-out window. On the other side there was a small kitchen where three people were rushing around, bumping into one another, trying to get something done with not enough time left to do it. I recognized a cap of golden blonde in the mix and rushed back to the entrance to find the doorway that I had somehow missed in passing the first time.

"Hey, you guys need a hand in here, or is there not enough space for me?" I asked as I leaned in.

Armin was the first one to notice me. "Eren!" he squealed. He had flour smeared on his ugly Christmas sweater and hands, but he didn't think twice about scampering over and giving me a tight, affectionate hug. "Merry Christmas!"

I laughed weakly, my chest half-crushed by his skinny arms. "Merry Christmas to you, too, Armin." He pulled back, and I grinned at him. "It smells fantastic in here. What are you making?"

"Well, we're... we're only making dessert, really," he said embarrassedly, nodding towards a few boxes and paper bags sitting on the counter. "Gingerbread, sugar cookies, candy cane brownies... you know, holiday stuff. The others were helping earlier, but we're just about finished now."

"Guess I'm a bit late, then," I said before pulling away from him and turning to look around the room. Unlike the rest of the house, the group had managed to make a decent mess of the kitchen. Judging by the chaos, I guessed that Levi probably wasn't a big fan of guests. I didn't think much of it as I spied the back of his raven-black head from across the room. I snuck up behind him and tapped his shoulder. He turned around and glanced up at my face. I saw surprise register in his sharp eyes a second before I flung myself at him, wrapping him up in a hug imbued with as much holiday cheer as I could put into it. "Merry Christmas, Levi."

My ex-nurse squirmed a little and made an awkward noise of discomfort before giving up and deciding to hug me back. "O-okay, merry Christmas to you, too, brat," he choked out. I took that as my cue to let go, and he straightened himself back out as soon as I did. He was wearing an apron over his ever-present green flannel, obsessive clean freak that he was. He glanced down at my chest and smirked. "Shit. I got you all floury."

I laughed and brushed myself off. "It's fine. You're probably not the first," I replied, flicking my eyes back at Armin, who was currently trying to clean flour stains out from the fibers of his sweater.

"So..." he mused, turning back to the counter to finish arranging fresh cookies on a plate. "This is where I live."

"It's pretty nice," I replied.

"Honestly, I'm surprised everyone can fit in here. Normally Hanji hosts this thing at her parents' house, but they had their own event planned for tonight, so..." He trailed off and flicked his hand in a there-you-have-it gesture.

"Still, I'm honestly pretty impressed that you could handle this by yourself."

"I'm not doing it all by myself." Levi turned around and looked toward Armin and Hanji, now finished with their own tasks and gathering takeout containers to bring into the living room.

"I see you finally got your Christmas tree up," I said.

"I see you finally got your Christmas tree up," I said.

"Hm?" Levi glanced over at me, seeming confused.

"The last time I asked, I remember you said you didn't have one."

"When?"

"When you came to my house last week. You said you hadn't started decorating yet."

"You remember that?" He stared bewilderedly at me for bit, then the memory seemed to come back to him. "Yeah, I... I had work and school and everything else to deal with. I couldn't find the time. Then I had to find the tree, which I knew I would have a hard time with as it was. Long story short, this was the only one I could fit in the apartment that wouldn't invade the entire living room."

Long story short indeed. The tree couldn't have been more than four feet tall. "I should probably help the others put the food out."

"Right," Levi said, a little stiltedly, as if he had been lost in his thoughts. He pushed himself away from the counter, but I put my hand out and caught him by the shoulder.

"You can just hang out here if you're tired. We're using your house. I think that's enough."

"I'm the host, brat. I've got to do something productive."

I gave up and drew my hand away, my nerves buzzing under the skin where I had touched him. I drowned the feeling out by picking up as many bags as I could (all the rest of them, as it turned out) and carrying them out to the living room. The scalding heat from the containers inside relaxed away the nervous tension in my palm. I set the bags down on the coffee table, where the group was gathering to help arrange the cardboard and foil dishes so they would all fit on the small surface at once.

Levi came out with paper plates under one arm, 2-liter bottles of soda under the other, and plastic cups held in one hand. The lids came off the containers and the overpowering smells of cheese, tomato sauce, rosemary and oregano filled the living room. The admins had ordered takeout from a local pizzeria, and the table was loaded with bowls of pasta, garlic knots, and a few customary salad containers that would probably go untouched. Sasha attacked right away, then the rest of us once she had loaded up her plate.

Much to my surprise, the Youth Cancer Support Group was actually pretty sociable that night. Dinner conversation wasn't awkward and full of pauses as I had expected it to be. Whoever was still going to school talked about school, Armin had a few stories to share from Rose Community, and Reiner talked about his dickish boss at the sporting goods store. I handed out my bag of cheap, last-minute gifts somewhere in the middle, and a few others in the group did the same. No one mentioned cancer or funerals or anything related to either of those topics. I wondered why, but I could only question it for so long.

"Is anyone in the mood for a game?" Hanji asked after about half an hour of random words being bounced back and forth.

"If it's the Lying Game again, you can forget it," Jean snipped right away.

"It's not the Lying Game!" she affirmed, seeming a little offended. "I was thinking of something a little more normal. Truth or Dare, maybe."

"That's hardly any different from the Lying Game," Levi pointed out. "And if your dares get my place any messier than it already is, you will be the one cleaning it."

"Okay, okay. Fine. Does Never Have I Ever sound safe enough to you?"

To be honest, I only had a vague idea of how to play Never Have I Ever. All I knew was that it had something to do with having your hands up with your fingers spread out, and you had to tell people about all the objectionable things you've done. I had known for a while that Hanji had a strange obsession with digging up obscure and embarrassing facts about people.

My guess wasn't too far from the truth, as Hanji explained the rules before we started playing. The game was also way less embarrassing than I had previously thought, since other people were guessing at what you did rather than forcing you to tell them yourself. The categories had to get pretty ridiculous in order for us to get some results, which didn't surprise me. I was a little stunned by the fact that Hanji had done just about everything we could think of. So had Reiner, Connie and Sasha. I kept my fingers held up for almost the entire game. There aren't very many interesting experiences that someone who had barely left the house for four years could have.

For all its entertainment value, the group got tired of Never Have I Ever relatively quickly. Self-incrimination games aren't really all that much fun when they're being played by a bunch of kids who are generally too sick to do risky things. Then the party turned into a more festive version of a normal off-season support group with better food and a different context.

"Guys, I've been wondering something," Armin asked in the middle of the back-and-forth. "Are any of you doing anything interesting over vacation?"

Hanji was the first to jump in. "I had a lot in mind, but I'm not sure how much I'll be able to do. Most of it's holiday stuff in Sina. There's always a billion things going on in the city. Then New Year's with my sorority, probably. Unless Nicole has something else in mind." She looked pointedly at Jean and grinned.

"Don't push it," Jean warningly replied.

"I've got pretty much the same thing going on," Connie quickly added, as if joining the conversation was some kind of race. "It's mostly family stuff. But first we're going to visit my grandparents in Pennsylvania. It's pretty much illegal in my family to miss out on that."

"Sounds fun," Reiner said. "I'll probably just be home for most of the week. I've been needing a break from... just about everything, I guess."

"My dad got a bonus last month, so my family was planning on going to Disney for a few days over the break," Sasha put in.

"That's cool," Marco chimed in. "My parents and I were originally planning on doing that, but I've been having too many issues over the past few months, so they decided to stay around here this year."

I was on the verge of saying Wow, Marco, thanks for making this way more depressing than it needed to be, and I might have actually done it if Jean hadn't stepped in. "You're going to that ski lodge upstate, right? In Orvud," he said brightly. "The really cool resort one, with the indoor pool and everything."

"Oh, yeah. I hadn't forgotten about that." All through the dismal conversation, he had continued to smile. "I am pretty excited about it, I guess."

"What about you, Seabiscuit?" Levi asked. "You have any plans?"

If Jean had noticed Levi's use of his nickname, he didn't act like it. "I'm going with him," he said definitively, bumping his shoulder against Marco's. "My family's not big on doing stuff together, so... I'm kind of jumping in with his."

Apparently Jean was rich enough to have a mansion and throw massive parties on a regular basis, but not rich enough to go on family vacations. My guess was that he freeloaded from Marco's home life on a regular basis. Well, that's just fine and fucking dandy for you, Jean.

"Since you're asking," Jean continued, "what are you doing for Christmas, Levi?"

Levi was quiet for a second before he responded, "Nothing."

The room paused, then Armin repeated the single word, as if he hadn't understood what it meant when Levi had said it the first time. "Nothing?"

"Well, not completely nothing," my ex-nurse went on. "I've got a few assignments to work on, and I'm planning on going into work for a few days, but, really, I've got nothing else going on."

Armin stared at him, then responded, "Oh." He turned to Annie. "You want to, um... write down for the group what you're going to do over the holidays?"

She nodded, but I didn't pay much attention when she gave her answer. Instead I watched Levi, his words- more accurately, his one word- playing on repeat in my head. Nothing. His answer wasn't much different from the one that Reiner had given. But Reiner was doing nothing on purpose. He needed a break. Levi was doing nothing because his vacation was going to be no different from his everyday life. He would just keep working. His spare time would go into hours at the hospital.

He would never stop.

He wouldn't be going anywhere. He wouldn't be spending time with anyone.

Why, though? Doesn't he have people in his life who want to see him? Doesn't he have a family?

His answer probably bothered me more than it should have. Only Armin trying to clandestinely get my attention by tapping me and murmuring my name could pull me out of my stupor.

"Eren. Hey, Eren."

My head whipped around and I looked at him. "Huh?"

"Are you okay?"

It took longer than it should have for the words to register. "Y-yeah, I'm fine... I think."

"Is something wrong?"

"No, I... I don't think so."

After being my best friend for six months, Armin knew almost as well as Mikasa how to tell when I was lying. "Are you sure?"he asked, his inquisitive eyes fixated on my face.

"Yeah. It's fine." Armin might have been skilled enough to know when I was lying, but he still hadn't reached a high enough tier to be as pushy as Mikasa.

"Okay," he said passively. "Just making sure."

"Hey, is anyone in the mood for a movie?" Hanji asked. "I brought a ton. Mind bringing out the desserts, Levi?"

My attention was back with the group. As everyone clustered around Hanji to look at the selection she had brought, Levi stood up from the couch with a heavy sigh, gathered as many takeout containers as he could carry and started towards the kitchen. I scurried to the coffee table, picked up the rest of the scattered plates and went after him.

When I walked in, he was standing at one of the counters, loading his arms with trays and baking tins. He glanced over his shoulder at me. "Thanks," he said.

I smiled before I could stop myself. "It's nothing, really."

"I just wasn't expecting anyone to help."

"We're using your place as a venue. I think you deserve a hand."

"Hanji's doing most of the entertaining as it is. And she paid for most of the food," he replied gruffly. "You can put the leftovers in the fridge. I'll probably eat them later," he quickly added as I moved to put the takeout containers on the counter.

I did as I was told and turned back to Levi. "Anything else I can do?"

"Not much. If you could bring the rest of these out, that would be great."

"Hey, Levi, um..."

Halfway through the doorway, he turned back to me. "What is it, brat?"

"I..."

How am I supposed to go about this?

"Nothing. I-it can wait until later."

Levi didn't fight me on it like I had expected him to. He simply exhaled, turned in the doorway and went back to the living room. I figured that he was too tired to get into another argument like the one we'd had the last time we were alone together.

And we had been alone together once. The thought made my pulse flutter in my veins.

If I had known that when I came out, the TV in the corner of Levi's living room would be playing the opening credits of Elf, I might as well have stayed in the kitchen and kept the desserts to myself. I had seen the movie so many times, the sight of Will Ferrell in that stupid costume made me want to gouge my eyes out. But the rest of the group was there, all clustered together in their own little cuddle puddles on the couch and the floor around it. Jean and Marco were leaned back on the couch together, and Connie and Sasha sat mushed together next to the coffee table and within an arm's length of the snacks. Both Annie and Armin had converged on Reiner on the couch, each with one arm stretched over one of his broad shoulders, and I could have sworn I saw their fingers twined together behind his head. Hanji was on the floor, trying to lean back against Levi's legs, and Levi was trying his hardest to keep to himself, curled up in his own corner next to the arm of the couch.

His actions definitely weren't a cue, but I took them as one anyway. After I had deposited a tray of sugar and gingerbread cookies on the coffee table, I fit myself into the small remaining space on the cushions of Levi's couch to act as a buffer between the two admins. Hanji saw my intentions and scooted over to let me in. The tiny space left me feeling squished, with both Armin's and Levi's hips pressing up against the sides of mine. As soon as I had sat down, Hanji leaned back again and rested her head against my knee. I took it as a sign that I wouldn't be leaving that spot anytime soon.

Levi glanced sideways at me and whispered, "I don't think my couch is supposed to take this much weight."

I snickered. "It's only five people. It'll be fine."

"Then you can pay for my new couch when one more idiot tries to climb on and it breaks. How does that sound?"

"It sounds like you're a fucking cynic."

"Look who's talking, brat."

Hanji twisted around and pulled herself up to her knees. "Excuse me, am I hearing an argument on Christmas?"

"Technically, it's not Christmas until tomorrow," Levi pointed out.

"Christmas day, Christmas eve, doesn't matter," she contested. "Quit being a Grinch."

Levi didn't bother with responding. Instead he rolled his eyes and turned his head to stare through the sliding glass door at the darkening snowscape outside. I could feel him tensing up next to me, though I couldn't figure out why. I ran his Nothing through my head again. Maybe he had some kind of deep-seated hatred for Christmas or something that I wasn't aware of.

I found my friends to be much more entertaining than Elf. Sasha was grabbing desserts by the handful through most of the movie, and Connie aided her in her desperate struggle to keep any crumbs from hitting Levi's pristine carpet. Marco slowly keeled over onto Jean over the course of the movie until he was on the floor with his head in his friend's lap. Reiner got up after a while, and without the Alpha Blonde to separate them, Armin and Annie gravitated towards one another and wound up stuck together between the couch arm and their big brother when he came back. I thought I heard faint snatches of whispered conversation passing back and forth between them. That started me wondering whether or not Annie could actually whisper, and I came to the conclusion that she could probably force air out of her lungs hard enough to make some kind of sound before I finally looked at Levi again.

The tension I felt from him slowly dissipated as Elf's plot developed just as I remembered it would. I thought he was starting to recover from whatever had been bothering him before, but his face told me that I couldn't have been more wrong.

Is he okay? I asked inside my own head.

He sat deathly still, staring numbly at the flickering screen. His face was blank, not blank in the bored, uncaring way that it usually was, but completely blank, as if he were feeling not apathy or disillusion, but nothing. A complete and literal nothing.

He can't possibly be okay.

I nudged him with my shoulder. He blinked in surprise and looked over at me. I asked. I couldn't help it.

"Hey. Are you okay?"

He stared at me, and his eyebrows twitched momentarily together, like he was concerned and maybe a little worried that I would ask him a question like that. But his face straightened out again not even a second later. "Yeah, I'm okay," he replied. "Why are you asking?"

"No reason. You just seemed a little... a little..." I stammered, looking for the right way to put what I was feeling into words.

He smirked and breathed out in a shaky way that might have been his version of a laugh. "Just shut up and watch the movie, brat."

"Okay," I sighed listlessly. I obeyed him, but he couldn't stop me from leaning my head on his shoulder. I figured that he would try to pull away from me the way he had with Hanji anyhow.

But, strangely enough, he didn't.

After Elf ended, the sky had gone dark and people were starting to get tired. The time reading on Levi's DVD player said it was just gone ten. It wasn't late at all by any of our standards, but a lot had happened in the past few days. Most of the group had a lot ahead of them as well. The night had been fun, but it had to end eventually.

Reiner was the first to go. It didn't surprise me much, since the past week had ripped him to shreds. Annie got up from the couch not long after he did, since he had driven her there and was her ride home. She stopped to pull Armin into a tight Christmas hug with her strong little arms. She whispered something into her ear, he whispered back, and she nodded. Then he made his way over to me while she went to the hallway to get her things.

"Eren, is it okay if Reiner takes me home?" he asked shyly.

"Why?" I replied.

There was a lot that I wanted to say to him right then. Most of it had to do with the fact that he was supposed to be my ride home and that this party would be super fucking awkward without him. Also my brain was screaming that if he left now, there would be one less person who could prevent me from hurling myself at Levi. But one of those subjects had the unpleasant consequence of me stomping on Armin's happiness, and other risked revealing my illicit feelings about my ex-nurse. I had every intention of keeping my distance from both those situations. So "Why?" was all that would come out.

"Annie said that Reiner wanted to talk a few things over with me."

"Couldn't he text it to you or call later or something?"

"I don't know. It's probably urgent. And she said he wants to talk to me face-to-face while he has the chance. He doesn't want to do it while the rest of the group is around, though."

I stared at the floor and rubbed nervously at the back of my neck. "I... Are you sure it'll be okay with your grandpa? He was already planning on picking you up." And me.

"I can call him. It'll be fine. You can get a ride from someone else, right?"

There was the Armin concern I had been waiting to hear. "I don't know. Probably. Maybe."

"Julia can probably give you a lift. I think your place is on the way to Trost, right?"

I had no idea, but I agreed anyway. "I think so. Do you think she would be okay with that?" And do you think that I would be okay with sitting in a car with Jean and no Mikasa to keep him distracted?

"Yeah, definitely. She's a sweetheart, there's no way she wouldn't be," Armin replied confidently.

"Alright," I finally said. "Just let me know when you get home." So you can let me know if your grandpa can still be bothered to come and get me.

"Thank you so much, Eren!" Armin pulled me close and wrapped me in a tight hug. "I'll come visit you over the break, okay?"

"Okay."

He pulled back, his sky blue eyes wide and sparkling over a bright, elfish smile. "Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas."

And, just like that, my ride home was gone for the night.

I probably could have asked someone else to take me home. But, since I was still a socially awkward idiot at my core, I didn't. Sasha and Connie left together not long after the blondes did, then Julia Bodt came to pick up Jean and Marco. I could have followed through with Armin's suggestion and gone with them, but the thought of dealing with Jean in such close proximity with only a passive Marco to separate him from me made my overloaded stomach turn. Hanji stuck around for a while longer, but a text from her parents demanding she come back home and help them tidy up the mess their own party had left diverted her efforts. She walked out the door and left Levi with the promise that she would come back the next day to help him finish cleaning up.

And after that...

"Anyone coming to take you home, brat?"

I glanced up from my blank staring at the almost-empty dessert trays on the coffee table to refocus my eyes on Levi's face. I was sitting shamefully on his couch, my hand resting on the pocket of my jeans where I had stowed my phone. I had been waiting for it to vibrate for ages, but nothing of the sort had happened yet.

"Well, I..." I stammered, trying to explain my predicament. "I was supposed to have Armin's grandpa bring me home-"

"You missed that bus a while ago, Eren."

"I-I know, but he was supposed to text me when he got home so I could ask him to send his grandpa over to pick me up."

"And he hasn't said anything yet?"

"I don't think so. My phone hasn't gone off all night."

"Have you checked?"

"No," I muttered embarrassedly as I tugged my phone out of my pocket. I held it flat in front of me and clicked the lock button. The screen stayed dark. "What the..."

"Something wrong?"

"No, it's just..." I hit the button again. Nothing changed. I held it down, wondering if I might have somehow turned it off by accident. Still nothing. "Shit. I think my battery's dead."

"What?" Anger flashed in Levi's eyes and he raked his fingers into his hair. "You've got to be fucking kidding."

"No," I said disappointedly. "I could have sworn that I charged it before I came here."

"What kind of phone is it?" Levi asked suddenly, cutting me short. "I might have a charger that matches up with it."

"It's a Galaxy. I've had it for a few years."

"What? No way." Before I knew it, Levi had disappeared into the kitchen again. He came back holding a black charger cord in one hand and his cell phone in the other. He held his phone next to mine, comparing the two of them side by side. They were exactly the same model. The only differences were the cases and the chipped corner of my screen where I had dropped it one too many times. It was strange that I had never noticed before.

"Lucky coincidence?" I said, looking hopefully up at him.

"Luck is bullshit," he replied. "But I think that the cosmos has done some pretty good work here." He went to the outlet by the takeout window to the kitchen and plugged my phone in. "Think you can call him while it's charging?"

"I, um..." I said unsteadily. "I actually can't use it until it's been charging for a while."

Levi stared deadenedly at me. "Are you fucking kidding me?"

"No!" I shot back. "I-I'm sorry, but it's old, and I guess the battery's fucked up or something."

"We're going to have to wait it out, then." He crossed over to the couch and collapsed next to me.

"So... now what?" I wasn't even sure why I was asking.

"Hell if I know."

"We could make out or something. Just to pass the time."

Levi sat up and shot me a look that directly stated I am going to fucking slap you. I bit my lip to shut myself up and went back to staring at the wall. Nailed it, Eren. Great job.

Minutes passed. Ten-thirty was long gone, and still neither of us had moved. I didn't know if I could take any more of the silence and waiting. I couldn't look at Levi. I felt like if I did, something regrettable would happen. It was like every dream scenario I'd ever had with Levi, only about a thousand times worse because... well, because it was real.

I felt the cushions next to me shift a little. "Oi, Eren."

"Hm?" The sudden sound of Levi's voice had startled me.

"How fast can you walk?"

I worked up the courage to turn and look at him. "I'm not all that great at doing anything physical. Why are you asking?"

"Just thinking... you know, since we're here and we don't really have much to do, I thought... there's this place around here that I used to like to go at this time of year."

I glanced at the clock. "You think it'll still be open at this hour?"

"It's not really a place that closes down," he replied. "Besides, it's Christmas Eve. The night is always young during the holidays."

I smiled a little, a blush rising into my cheeks. I liked the way he thought. "So... do you want to go there, or..."

"Can I make a deal with you, Eren?" Levi said, cutting me short.

"I'm listening."

"This place, I... I haven't been back there in a while. I could probably walk there from here, but it's pitch black and snowing outside, and you've got your own problems, so that sounds fucking unpleasant for the both of us. And as far as I can tell, you don't have a ride home. I'm willing to drive you back if you come with me. Because, honestly, going there by myself kind of sucks."

This situation could have gone a number of ways. I had no idea what kind of place Levi was talking about. It could have been a bar, or a strip club, or even an abandoned nuclear plant for all I knew. He had never specified why he hated being alone there. But at the same time, I didn't have many options left for ways to get home. There was only one logical next step to take.

"What kind of place is it?" I asked.

"Just a little strip mall in downtown Shiganshina," Levi answered. "It's nothing special, really. They just decorate a lot."

"Hm." I took a second to consider. Or I pretended that I did. As far as I was concerned, my decision was already made.

"Deal."

I tried to get more information out of Levi on the car ride to the mall that was apparently so special. He wouldn't say very much, only a few infuriatingly vague statements that could have applied to at least ten separate things. As far as he would tell me, he had gone to the strip mall all the time when he was younger. He had a lot of fond memories there. Almost all of the stores stayed open until midnight on Christmas Eve, and sometimes he liked to come back to walk around, look at the decorations and remember. Exactly what he was remembering, though, he refused to tell me.

It was eighteen minutes to eleven when we pulled into a parking space next to the sidewalk. In spite of the hour, I could see lights glimmering against the falling snow, turning it into white-gold glitter falling from the clouds. There was still a decent number of cars sitting at the sides of the street besides ours. I stepped out, and Levi did the same. There was something fast about his movements, as if he had more energy behind them than usual. He was hiding it pretty well, but I was sure that he was excited.

"It's been ages since I last came here," he told me as we strolled in between two buildings.

"And how long does ages mean?" I asked.

"I don't know. Months," he replied. "A year, maybe. Probably more."

"Because you hate coming here alone?"

"Mostly."

We stepped out of the alleyway, and I found myself blinking in a flood of soft golden light. My eyes adjusted, and suddenly I was standing in the middle of what was probably the most beautiful street I had ever seen in my life. All around us were old-looking buildings, kept renovated and fused together for the most part, except for a few small side streets like the one we had just come in through. Every single one of them was strung with garland and lights of all colors and designs. Store windows were lined with fake snow, strings of lights and little toys, and most of them had their doors open and their lights on. Through the snow that had been worn away by footsteps, I saw that the street was paved over with bricks to become a walkway, rather than a place for cars to drive. Deciduous trees were planted every fifty feet or so. All of them had lost their leaves, and all the leaves had been replaced by white fairy lights. The falling snow shimmered like dying stars when the drifting flakes reflected the glow.

Standing in the middle of the street, directly in front of the place we had entered through, was a dark green sign painted with gold letters. Rhea Square Mall.

This was the place. I could feel it.

Levi took the lead, and we started walking. The place was surprisingly lively for the time of night. All around us, people were milling around. A few bars we passed on the way assured me that most of them were probably drunk. I mentioned it to Levi, he laughed a little, and a moment later he pointed out a bakery where we decided to get cinnamon rolls, even though I had nearly put myself into a food coma with everything that Hanji had brought to the party. We ate them while we wandered aimlessly through the mall. Levi grumbled something about getting his fingers all sticky, and I was enjoying myself too much to care.

I wasn't sure how long we spent wandering. I hadn't been paying attention to the time, or anything else, really. The only thing I was aware of was the night, the snap of the cold, gentle breeze on my face letting me know I was still alive, Levi at my side, exchanging his words with mine. It took longer than it normally did for me to realize that I was getting tired. By the time I did, my legs felt almost ready to collapse.

"Levi..." I said, reaching out to tap him on the shoulder.

He turned around before I had even touched him, as if he had intuitively known I what I needed. "What is it, Eren?"

"I... I need to sit down, my legs..."

"Already on it." He looked briskly back and forth, as if he were searching for something. All the while he was muttering to himself. "Come on, I know they're around here somewhere... Aha." He stopped and turned back to me. "This way."

I wasn't sure what he was looking for, but I followed him anyway. He led me to a set of two benches on the side of the street. Between them stood what looked like a tall metal lamp that emitted a hot scarlet glow from a steel grate just below the shade. I could feel warmth spilling off of it in waves as I drew closer.

"Thanks," I said breathlessly. I bent over to brush some of the freshly fallen snow from the wooden slats and collapsed onto the seat.

"I thought I remembered this place having heat lamps during the winter," Levi said as he settled down next to me. "It would kind of suck if I let my cancer brat get hypothermia. Hanji might have to kick me out of the YCSG for that one."

I laughed, and my breath condensed into a cloud of mist in the frigid air. "That would suck, wouldn't it?"

He nodded. He was gazing at the lights, and I saw them reflected in his eyes. "Cancer sucks even worse when you don't have people to talk to about it." He glanced over at me and shuddered a little. "Too soon?"

I shook my head. "It'll always be too soon."

We sat in silence for a while before I could finally work up the courage to keep talking. "Hey, Levi... about what I asked you before..."

"Right. You said later, didn't you?"

"Y-yeah, I did. And... I guess later means now," I replied. "Listen, I just wanted to know... Do you actually have nothing to do over Christmas vacation?"

Levi looked at me, his face unreadable, then dropped his gaze to the pavement and stayed quiet for what felt like forever. With every passing second, fear clouded over my brain. I've pushed him too far. God fucking dammit, I've pushed him too far. He hates me now. He's never going to speak to me again.

"Eren, I..." he started suddenly, almost making my heart stop in the process. "I don't have nothing to do, per se. Just nothing interesting."

"But are you really just going to keep working? The whole week?"

"I don't have very much else to do, brat. Besides, medical emergencies never take a vacation."

"But don't you have, like... family stuff or plans with friends or..."

I had to stop myself there. Levi was starting to turn towards me, and I was scared that he would have that same look on his face as before, the one that made him look like he wanted to smack me so hard that I wouldn't wake up until New Year's.

"I just don't have a lot of people who want to see me," he said flatly. "That's all."

I don't know if it was sleepy late-night delirium setting in, or the sugar high from everything I had eaten that night. Maybe I was starting to feel too safe. Whatever the reason, I had a massive lapse in judgement and lost control of my mouth and lungs for a brief second.

"Why not?"

The question was out before I was even aware that I wanted to ask it. As soon as it was, I was scared to death that I couldn't take it back.

I didn't know what I was saying. I didn't know what I was walking into.

Please don't be mad, Levi. I'm sorry. I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

Levi sighed and turned his piercing blue-grey gaze on me. "Are you sure you want to hear this story, brat?"

"Y-yes," I said without thinking. Whatever he had to say, he could say it and I would have to listen. There was no turning back now.

Levi sighed again and turned away from me to stare at the snow-covered ground. "Look, Eren. If you really want to know the truth... I don't have a family."

I opened my mouth to say something, but I couldn't make any words come out.

"They're dead. Both my parents. Things with the rest of my relatives have been pretty fragmented for as long as I can remember, so... yeah. No family."

Well, that was probably the biggest bomb ever dropped since Hiroshima.

I tried to say something again, but my throat felt dry and useless. A single, short sentence was all I was able to get out of my system. "What happened?"

Levi looked back at me and cocked his head, his face still an unreadable mix of emotions. "You're sure you want to hear about all of this right now? We're going to be out here all night."

I nodded. I didn't trust myself with the use of words anymore.

Levi looked back at the trees ahead of him and sighed one last time. "Fine. I might as well," he murmured. "Since you're so fucking determined."

It took another few minutes of silence for him to actually get started. "Things were okay for me growing up, I guess. There isn't much I can tell you right now that would matter. I had both my parents back then, and our life was a little isolated, what with the whole family issue, but I'd say we were happy. I grew up in this area. And out of all the things I remember, I think my favorite thing was coming here with my mom and dad every Christmas. We would go here so many times all throughout the season, and then my mom would sometimes come back without my dad to get presents for him and all of their friends, and if I promised not to tell anyone about what she got for them, she would get a treat for me, usually from a bakery or candy store or something..."

He trailed off for a second before he said, "That was how it was before I turned eight, anyway."

"And then what happened?" I asked, like the stupid, too-curious child I must have seemed like to him.

"My mom started having these migraines," he continued. "She'd sort of always had them, but... but they were never that bad. They usually only lasted a few minutes, maybe an hour at the most. Then, that year, they just reached a point where they got worse and worse. It was so bad that she would have to stay home from work if she felt one coming on in the morning. They would sometimes be so painful that she started crying, and then once her nose started bleeding in the middle of one... And then she started saying that she was losing feeling in her hands and feet. I saw her burn herself on the stove once, and she said that she didn't feel a thing. She didn't even know her hand was on the burner. That was when my dad finally decided she needed to see a doctor. We took her to the hospital, and..." His voice wavered and he stopped. I saw him biting his lip, his chest shuddering and the small cloud of fog drifting from his lips as he tried to take a breath and steady himself.

"Brain cancer," he finally said. "They told us it was brain cancer. No colony cells, no spreading, nothing. The disease was in her brain, that was the only place it had ever been, and that was the only place it would ever be. According to the scans, the tumors had rooted themselves too deep for surgery to be an option. Not that we could have afforded it anyway. Our insurance was shit, and they were only willing to cover two thirds of the cost. They were willing to pay for treatment, though. Or most of it. Even then, chemotherapy didn't do anything. The cells just kept growing, and she was suffering more and more. And eventually she just asked them to stop. She was so... tired of trying... when she knew there was nothing left that anyone could do. She knew that she was already too far gone to be saved."

Levi turned towards me. His eyes were hollow and glassy. "She lived for ninety-six days. They diagnosed her, and ninety-six days later, she died. I watched her go, and... it hurt. More than anything else I've ever felt in my life."

I stared at Levi, my throat tight and my lips numb. I had no way to respond. I wanted to relate somehow. My mom had died from cancer, too. I had watched it destroy her, too. But it hadn't happened anywhere near that fast. It wasn't that violent. And, most importantly, I had been older than he had when everything had happened. It might not have meant much in any other context, but at ten years old, death is a much clearer concept than it is at eight.

"I guess we're not so different, then, are we?" he said, offering me a weak, sad half-smile.

"I guess not," I managed to choke out.

He was right, but at the same time he couldn't have been more wrong. The way his mother had died, and the way he had to watch it happen... all of it was so much worse. He'd been hurt in a far more twisted way than I had been, probably had memories I couldn't even imagine-

"Wait, didn't you say..."

"Oh, right. I'm not finished, am I?" He went back to staring at the lit-up trees. I was about to tell him that I didn't need to know everything, that he didn't have to finish, but he started talking again before I could let him know that it wasn't necessary. "About my dad... things kind of fell apart after my mom died."

Wow, doesn't this sound familiar?

"He was an emotional wreck. He did his best to keep me from seeing it, but nothing he did worked. It was just too much for him, and he was having such a hard time trying to cope. Then, about a year after she died, he started drinking..."

No, Eren, this does not sound familiar at all.

"I didn't even notice at first. He was just coming home later from work than usual. I never realized that anything was wrong until I was eleven or twelve. Then I figured out that he always came home late because was going out to bars after work almost every night. I started finding whiskey and beer in the fridge, and he was drunk almost all the time when he was at home. I guess it wasn't as bad as it could have been. He wasn't an angry drunk, just a really depressed and tired one. He would come home, pass out on the couch or in his bed, then drag himself out to work the next day and start it all over again. He kept working, so we didn't lose the house or fall into debt or anything... or at least, not that I was aware of. He was barely talking to me at that point. I really didn't know anything about what was going on in his life. It went on for years, and I just put up with it. Living like a shadow in his life, just this thing in the background next to the alcohol and the memories of his dead wife..." Levi's hands had tensed up in his lap. Another puff of mist rose up in front of his face. I knew that dredging all of this stuff up was hurting him, but he didn't stop.

"Then, one night, he never came home. I was seventeen. I was a senior in high school, and I was going to graduate in about six months or so. I had picked out the college I wanted to go to, I had sent my applications in, I had plenty of scholarships lined up to take the edge off the cost, and I was so ready to move on and forget that shitty life that I had been stuck living up to that point..." He stopped to breathe. My hand inched towards his on the bench.

"I got a call from the hospital at some ridiculous time in the morning. I'm not even sure when it was anymore. All I can remember is that they said my dad was in the emergency room, that he had collapsed in a parking lot and hadn't gotten back up. He'd been drinking again. His BAC level was far above what any normal person should be able to handle. I didn't have a car, since we only had one, and he had driven it to work, so I ran to the hospital in the dark at god-knows-how-early in the morning. I got there just as the sun was rising and... and they told me he was dead. He had alcohol poisoning. The fucker drank himself to death before I had even moved out of the house."

"L-Levi..." My voice cracked as I said his name. I tried to respond somehow, but there still wasn't anything worthwhile that I could say.

He turned his gaze on me again. The emptiness in his eyes had melted away into something else. It was soft, sad, something so tortured that I couldn't describe it. I couldn't put it into words, but I felt it. I was in pain too, as if his remembering his own suffering was somehow unearthing the same feelings in me.

"Is everything okay?" he asked softly. My eyes stung.

Why are you asking me that?

"I-I'm okay, Levi, I just..." I murmured, my voice wavering. "I didn't know. I-I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to make you..."

"It's okay. I should have known that if we were going to be friends, it would have to come out sooner or later."

"But... it's Christmas, and that's just so... I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought it up."

"It's not a problem," he said, even though it definitely was. "I can't help thinking about it around this time of year as it is."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I told you before, I have nothing to do during the holiday season. I usually just work, since my classes are on break and I need the money anyway. Sometimes my colleagues get together for drinks or something, but there's nothing significant."

Silence stretched between us for a moment, then I finally remembered how to use words. Even though it definitely wasn't the best thing I could have done, I felt compelled to ask another question. "So, after... after your dad died... what did you do?"

"Well, I sold the house, first of all," he said. The faint shiver that had risen in his voice had died down. It had been replaced by bitterness, and he was spitting his words out as if they tasted poisonous to him. "There was no way I could afford to live there on my own. I was just a kid. I was still in high school, I had no job, so I sold whatever I could and scouted out the cheapest apartment that I could find. I had talked to the family attorney once, a few weeks before he wasn't our attorney anymore, and he said that my dad had willed pretty much all of his savings to me. I stashed them away to pay for college, but there was so much I still had to worry about. I had to pay rent, and buy food, and everything he had left me just barely covered my tuition. I figured that a minimum-wage job wouldn't cut it, so I had to find... other ways... to make money."

I didn't like the implications behind those words. "What do you mean, other ways?"

"I mean I had to do a lot of shady shit to stay alive," Levi snipped, and I didn't ask for any more detail than that. "I was involved with a lot of things I don't like remembering. I did a lot of dangerous things, I couldn't keep up with any relationships because of all the secrecy... it was a lot of bullshit, really. Anyway, one night I got stuck in the middle of a fight while I was working in downtown Trost, and things got a bit violent. Long story short, I wound up getting shot-"

"You've been shot?!"

"Yes, brat, I've been shot before. Don't try it, because it's fucking painful. Anyway, I got out of there and called 911, then the EMTs took me to the ER. Cops were waiting for me when I got there, and they were willing to give me time to heal before I was taken in for questioning. Erwin happened to be working in the ER that night, he stopped in to talk with me, and..." Levi shrugged. "I guess he decided we were friends after that."

"You know Dr. Erwin because he treated you for a gunshot?"

"He didn't treat me, dumbass. Physical trauma isn't his specialty. He was just there. Anyway, no one else involved in the incident had been taken in, so I was able to convince the cops that I had just been in the wrong place at the wrong time-"

"Were you?"

"Yes, brat, I was. Why are you so fucking chatty all of a sudden?"

That shut me up well enough, and Levi continued. "They released me after a day, and not long after, Erwin got back into contact with me. He asked me to meet him at this restaurant in Trost and said he would pay for everything. At that point, I was willing to take free food wherever I could get it. I didn't know what he was hoping to get out of it, if he just wanted to talk to me or if he wanted something else from me... I figured that he seemed nice enough when we met, and anyone will tell you that the man is pretty damn attractive, so I agreed."

A little lighter-flame of hope flicked on in the back of my mind when I heard those last words slip out of his mouth. I did my best to block it out.

"We started talking while we were there, and... I don't know if he charmed it out of me, or I started feeling too safe, or what kind of mental lapse I was having at the time, but... I told him the truth. All of it. And I wasn't proud of it. He had to fucking drag it out of me. But he wouldn't stop until I had confessed every last bit. And you know what?" He paused for effect and locked his gaze with mine. "He didn't report me."

"What?" The outcome didn't make any sense to me.

"He didn't turn me in," Levi repeated. "He even told me to my face that not a single word that had come out of me in that conversation would be heard by another soul. Once I had finished pouring my heart out to him, he made me an offer."

"Which was?"

"Well, by then I was only a few weeks away from graduating high school. He told me that if I straightened my life out, he would help support me, since he had the money for it. Then, once I finished school, I could work for him at Trost. I said yes, and then after graduation I started taking nursing classes at Rose Community. I had originally planned on going straight into a pre-med program, but things had gotten a little complicated. Anyway, I got an associate's degree in two years with qualifications that left me just short of a bachelor's. Trost hired me as an LPN, I earned enough to move into this place, I enrolled at Sina instead of my dream school, and... here we are now."

It took a while for all of the details to sink in. Everything made sense all of a sudden. Levi's cynicism, the classes he took, even his weird affinity with uncertainty principles were falling into place. We sat side by side on the bench, and I gazed into his eyes in a way that I felt like I never had before. I had reached a new tier of understanding him. Everything felt different all of a sudden. There he was, sitting there and letting me stare at him, not saying a word because he already knew why I was doing it. He always knew.

That was one of the things that made him Levi.

I didn't know what more there was to say, so I asked another question. "Have you always wanted to be an oncologist?"

"Not always," he answered. "At least I don't think so. Definitely after my mom died, though. After seeing all that... I wanted to do whatever I could to keep other people from going through the same thing. I didn't want to see more people die the way she did. You get what I'm saying, don't you?"

I did. I nodded. There were barely any people left in the mall by then, other than the ones who were spilling out of the bars either to come in or leave. The lights in one of the stores around us went out. Another went dark not much later, then another.

"All the stores are closing for the night," Levi said. "We should probably get going."

"Okay," I replied. Levi helped me up from the bench, and we started back the way we came. The snow was starting to fall more heavily, but the cloud layer above was starting to thin out. That was the only reason that I noticed the stars shining through. Even with the stores closing one by one, the street was still just as beautiful as it had been when we first walked in.

I cast a sideways glance at Levi. He was staring straight ahead, looking complicated as always. Something about him was different, though. My eyes moved down from his face to where his hand was resting limply beside his leg. Then, without thinking, I reached out and grabbed it.

"Wha..." Levi's head whipped in my direction. His eyes were frozen wide in surprise. "What are you doing?" he asked.

I looked down at our hands. My fingers had twined around his. Warmth was radiating from his palm into mine, a gentle defense against the bitter cold.

"I don't know," I said absently. And it was the truth. I really didn't. "It just felt right."

Levi didn't have anything to say to that. He let a soft, breathy laugh slip from his lips in a puff of mist and looked straight ahead again. He squeezed his fingers around mine, just once. I squeezed back in response. My heart pulsed right along with them.

"It's my birthday tomorrow," he randomly mentioned as we walked.

I glanced over at him. "It is?" He nodded, and I added, "Your birthday's on Christmas day? That sucks."

"It's not that bad," he said, lowering his gaze to the snow that crunched under our feet. "I used to get a present for both at the same time when I was little. I always loved it. Twice as many presents and no waiting."

"And now you can get hammered to celebrate making it this far," I finished with a laugh. Levi looked over at me. "Because you're turning twenty-one. That means you can legally drink, right?"

"Legalities sure as hell didn't stop you at Jean's party," Levi said bitterly.

My face was suddenly burning in spite of the cold. "Th-that was one time!"

"One time too many, brat. Besides, drinking isn't really my thing."

I didn't feel a need to ask why anymore. I just held onto his hand and fell silent.

Almost all of the stores had closed by the time we got back to the car. I had no clue what time it was, and I didn't care. I climbed into the passenger seat, then Levi into the driver's side and we started towards my house. Neither of us said very much on the way there. I was half-asleep for most of the ride as it was. Every few minutes I thought about inching my hand over to his side of the car and trying to get his attention again, but it took me only a few seconds to realize exactly how stupid that would have been.

Stupid.

Just like last time.

And the time before that.

It didn't end until Levi's car had stopped in my driveway.

He turned to me and nudged my shoulder. "Hey. Wake up, brat. You're home."

"Nn? Oh," I mumbled. I sat up and pushed my hair out of my face before undoing my seatbelt. I hadn't been sleeping, but I had been slumped sideways in the passenger seat with my head leaned against the window and my eyes half-closed, about as close to sleep as a person can get without losing their stream of consciousness.

"I should probably thank you for coming out with me tonight," he said. "Staying out late and going back there, I... I really can't tell you how much all of that meant to me."

"Well, you drove me home, so I guess we can call it even."

The corner of Levi's mouth twitched into a slight smile, and I got out of his car. I stopped in my tracks just before slamming the door shut. "Can you text me when you get home?"

Levi laughed. "Come on, brat. Who are you, my mom?"

"That was too soon, Levi," I said apathetically. "Even for you."

"Whatever. It's not like it really matters anymore." He shook his head and smiled at me again. "I'll text you, if it'll make you feel better."

"You will?"

"Yeah. Why not?" he replied. "It's nice to know that someone cares about you."

My heart skipped a beat, and for a second I thought my blood had started to flow backwards. I had to replay his words twice in my head to be sure that he'd actually said them.

Yes, Eren. Levi knows you care about him. Now quit being an idiot and say goodbye.

My fingers tightened on the edge of the car door. "I'll see you soon, okay?" I said.

"Okay," he replied. "See you."

"See you."

With those words, I finally worked up the restraint to shut the door between us and start walking toward my house.

Dad still wasn't home yet, but Mikasa was. She had been for a while. I found her upstairs in her room, still awake and very fascinated by something she was reading on her laptop.

"Welcome home, Eren," she said before I could sneak up on her. "You're late. How did everything go?"

"It was fine," I said. "Armin went home with Annie and Reiner, though, so I had to have someone else drive me."

Mikasa looked up from her laptop and fixed her eyes on me. "Who drove you?"

My face flared up with a searing blush as I admitted, "Levi."

"Why did he bring you home late?" she went on, her face taking on a lethal expression.

"Because Hanji had to help clean up," I blurted out, making up a story as quickly as I could. It wasn't too far from the truth. "He wasn't just going to leave her there by herself."

"Oh." Mikasa seemed surprised. "Okay. Well, I should probably be getting to sleep soon." She pushed her laptop away and stood up to pull me into a hug. "Goodnight, Eren."

"Goodnight." My sister held me captive just long enough to give me a kiss on the cheek, then I walked out of her room and she shut the door behind me.

I sent my dad a quick text to assure him that I had gotten home safe and left my phone in my room while I brushed my teeth. There was a new message waiting for me when I came back. I unlocked the screen to see who it was from.

1 New Message from: Levi

I'm home, in case you still wanted to know.

A smile broke out on my face, and I opened up my inbox to send a reply message.

Me: I did. Thanks. Merry Christmas :)

I locked my phone, stripped my clothes off and fell into bed in my boxers, too exhausted to bother with actual pajamas, then shut the light off before crawling under the covers. A warm, fuzzy feeling was building up in my chest, like hot coals right before they burst into flame. I was still holding my phone in my hands, letting it rest on my chest like a love letter I had just finished reading. Levi had remembered. He had responded.

In the silence, my phone went off again as another text came in.

Levi: Merry Christmas, brat

That was it. Those few words were all that I had needed to hear.

That text was the last thing I saw before I fell asleep. I locked my phone and rested it on the side of my mattress, too exhausted to get out from under the covers and put it anywhere else. I rolled over, nestled my head in the pillows, and listened to my pulse racing in my ears.

As I drifted off, I thought about everything he had told me that night. I couldn't believe how much Levi had been hiding. It must have been killing him, keeping all of it quiet.

Then it occurred to me that I had been doing the exact same thing.

Not much later, fell asleep.

And at some point between those two, I fell in love with him.