Well, hello.
I have spent the past 24 hours being gradually buried in snow. I have not set foot outside of the house today, which probably isn't all that tragic on its own, being that I am also deathly ill with a sinus infection.
What better condition could I be in to post my first new chapter of 2016?
I really don't have much to add to this particular author's note. I have been pretty busy lately, although not with anything enjoyable, and for some time I have been feeling unwaveringly, pathetically tired at all times. But posting a fanfiction update doesn't take that much physical exertion, so why would I do anything else?
Speaking of updates, they have been approaching a lot faster than I previously expected. I only have one more chapter (the Valentine's Day update) before I'll be out of material. I'm not sure how I'll proceed from this point onward. Recently I've had weeks-long gaps between sessions of any actual work on this story, probably because I've just been generally feeling kind of shitty. It'll be over soon, hopefully. And from then on, I'll actually be able to get something finished out here for you losers to read.
If you don't absolutely hate me, you should consider following my tumblr blog, the-angstiest-author. Apparently it's so unpopular that it doesn't show up when people search for it. So... good luck. Additionally, if you ever want to shitpost about this story, or if you've made fan art or a ficlet or done basically anything related to The Monsters Inside Us, post that shit on tumblr with the tag "fic: tmiu" or "fic: the monsters inside us." I haven't seen anything new in either tag in months, so... help?
All I'm really doing is complaining at this point. I need to be stopped.
Story time.
The most outstanding feature of the Youth Cancer Support Group was the fact that the members of the Youth Cancer Support Group were all that the Youth Cancer Support Group had. The group wasn't funded by anything. It had no affiliations. It was literally nothing more than bunch of kids who were suffering from a disease and needed friends to help them through it, plus a couple of slightly-older mentors who were just as dedicated as the kids were. The members were all that held the Youth Cancer Support Group together.
If anyone had thought that losing Bertolt was the worst thing that could happen to the group, then Reiner was going to bring them to an entirely new level.
Reiner Braun was, without a doubt, one of the most vital people in the Youth Cancer Support Group. He had been an active part of the group since its beginning. He was always the first one that welcomed new members. He was supportive, even when angsty morons like me tried to refuse any help that was offered to them. He was the glue that kept us together. He was the anchor that everyone else had chained themselves to. Reiner Braun was the big brother of the entire support group. Then Armin had called, and immediately all I could see was the inevitability of everything falling apart.
That didn't stop the group from switching the location of the next meeting on short notice. It was now going to be held at Reiner's house. The news had made me feel sick when I had first heard it. Either the others hadn't reacted the same way, or they had a much better way of handling the shock than I did.
My dad was back at work, so on January fifth, Mikasa and I carpooled with Armin to go to the next meeting. When we walked in, his house didn't seem any different from the last time we had been there. Low-level conversational noise filled the house, and the faint smell of Greta Braun's nachos was drifting out of the kitchen. The group had gathered in Reiner's living room, and everyone was talking over one another.
I picked out Reiner right away. He didn't seem very much different than the last time I had seen him. He was standing, leaned against the side of the couch, talking excitedly with Jean and Connie while Annie sat nearby and typed an addition to the conversation whenever she could.
"Hey, Reiner!" Armin shouted across the room.
Reiner turned toward us and a bright smile lit up on his face. "Armin! Get over here, buddy!"
My best friend did just that, and Reiner crushed his tiny frame in a hug. He didn't seem ready to collapse anytime soon, so I followed Armin and let Reiner immediately pull me into yet another hug. He still made me worry that I wouldn't get out of it with my rib cage intact, so I figured that he still had a decent amount of life left in him.
"It's been a while, Eren. How've you been?" Reiner jovially asked.
"I've been fine," I replied. "I heard about what happened, though," I hesitantly added.
Reiner paused, glanced at the others around him and sighed. "Oh. That. Right."
"I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean to dredge it up," I stammered, immediately regretting having brought it up at all. "I mean... I just wanted to say..."
Don't say "I'm sorry," Eren. Do not say it.
"That sucks. That's awful."
"Well, not much anyone can do about it now," Reiner said, a little more dismissively than I was expecting. "It's just a risk factor. Nothing's happened yet. At least nothing that anyone's been able to find."
"Oh. That's a relief, I guess." I paused, still feeling tense. "I just wanted to let you know that I knew... about the thing... something like that."
He laughed it off."Don't worry about it, Eren."
The support group circled up, and the meeting began. But before anyone could bring anything up, Reiner cut in with an announcement that I already knew was coming. He probably figured that he should get it over with quickly. And honestly, I agreed with him.
"Hey, guys," he began, and a tense silence settled over the rest of the support group. "Now, I'm pretty sure you've heard the basics of what's been going on with me from someone or other. I just want to clear a few things up before we go anywhere else with this meeting." He stopped to breathe for a second. "First of all, the actual diagnosis. As far as I know, my melanoma hasn't reached anything vital. The thing that's gotten everyone concerned was that it's rooted itself deeply enough to reach my lymphatic system in a few spots. This means I'm at a higher risk for the cells going somewhere they shouldn't, but it hasn't happened yet. Second of all, I'm going to start radiation treatment this week. My doctor is going to be doing everything she can to get rid of this before it turns into something more serious. If we can stop the spreading at this stage, great."
He never went into the if not of that statement, and no one needed to ask why.
"So, just to keep everything in perspective, you guys don't have to worry about me. I'm still fine. I know you guys will be, too."
Reiner ended the discussion with that and sat back down, a smile on his face. The meeting went on normally, and nothing else important came up. People finally felt comfortable enough to acknowledge the fact that yes, Bertolt is dead and there is nothing we can do about it. As soon as one person ripped the band-aid off and said it, everyone else came gushing out after them. Marco spilled his guts first, then Jean, Armin, Connie and Sasha. Annie tapped on her phone the whole time. I watched her intermittently, not sure if she was making her statement as she went or ignoring the group while they broke down the walls that held back their pain and misery. Then she handed her phone to Armin, and I had my answer.
"You want me to read this?" my friend asked hesitantly, and she nodded. He looked down at the screen, took a nervous breath and started. "While I'm sitting here and listening to you talk about Bertolt, it makes me regret getting my vocal cords removed more than I ever have before. I want to say something in my own words, to let everyone know that the words came from me and that I have the courage to say them to the group. I don't want you to think that I need people to speak for me-" Armin put the phone down and glanced at her. "Annie, we know that it's really you talking. You don't have to say the words yourself for them to be yours." Annie only sighed in response and nudged my friend's arm, urging him to keep going.
"Okay, okay." Armin surrendered and turned back to the phone. "Bertolt was my best friend. He was like the brother that I never had. He meant more to me than most people in my life ever have. I loved him a lot. And Reiner, I know I didn't love him the same way you did, but..." He had to stop for a moment to steady himself. "...but I did love him, and I probably always will. When you called me and told me the news, I felt like a piece of me had been ripped out. I had to wake my dad up in the middle of the night to drive me to your house just so I wouldn't have to be alone. I still have to thank him for that." Armin laughed a little at that, but it didn't hide the waver in his voice. "This group won't be the same without Bertolt. The people in it won't be the same. Nothing will be. But we won't forget him. I won't let it happen, and I know that you won't either. Even when I spend my last year here and I'm too old to sign up again, I know you'll tell all those stupid newbies exactly how great Bertolt Hoover was. Make sure they remember, because I sure as hell won't forget."
Armin dropped Annie's phone on the couch and turned to where she sat next to him. She was receding into herself, her knees pulled up to her chest and her hands over her mouth. She was trying to hide it, but there were tears glistening in the corners of her eyes.
"Oh, Annie..." Armin said softly. She sniffed weakly, and he wound his arms around her and pulled her close to him. She buried her sharp nose into his shoulder, and Reiner scooted over on the couch to join in. He moved the smallest member of the blonde squad into the spot between him and Armin so they could both equally participate in comforting her. Armin looked up at the rest of the group and said, "Can someone please say something? I don't want to leave thr group hanging like this."
"Well, I-" Marco started, and the entire group turned their attention on him. He faltered a little, but managed to say, "I'm really glad you were so open with us, Annie."
"I know you don't think so, but you have a voice here," Mikasa added.
I wanted so badly to say something hilarious, like Actually, you don't, but right in the middle of a conversation about a dead friend is a horrible time to be a dick.
The meeting went on for another half hour after that. After Bertolt came up, no one seemed able to talk about anything else. So Armin called his grandpa, he came to pick us up, and that was the end of it. The ride home was silent, and I went straight for my room when we got home.
My dad didn't get home until late that night. By the time he did, I had already fallen asleep.
January passed pretty slowly, as far as months are concerned.
There were the support group meetings almost twice a week. More had been added to the schedule for whatever reason, and not everyone could make every single one. I had very few excuses, so I went to almost all of them. But, of the few excuses I did have, one was that my family only had one car and my dad was using it most of the time, so there were a few I couldn't make. One that didn't fall into the niche was at Armin's at five on the eighteenth. Grandpa Arlert said he would gladly give me a ride in the Arlert Accord after he had brought Armin home from his classes at Rose, so at that particular time I had no excuses.
It was another meeting that Reiner happened to be at. He hadn't been able to make it to many of the other suddenly-existent meetings so far. There was always some explanation that Hanji would give to the group before the circle of therapy started its round of conversation. He had radiation that day, he was sick from radiation the day before, sometimes he just wasn't feeling up to it, whatever. But he was never straightforwardly not there. There was always an explanation.
He hadn't given one this time, and there he was in Armin's living room, collapsed on the couch with Annie perched on the arm next to him and listening to him talk.
I hadn't seen Reiner for a solid week before that day. Before that, I wasn't even sure how long the interval had been. I knew what was going on with him, and I should have expected that he was going to look... different. That didn't change the shock that rattled me when I finally saw how different he would be.
The muscle mass that he had been sporting not even a month earlier was about seventy-five percent of what it used to be. Obviously he wouldn't be as active as he once was. If his treatments were getting him sick, he definitely wouldn't be able to stay in impeccable shape anymore. He skin seemed a little papery, his face paler and the faintest of shadows swept under his eyes. But when I walked in and he turned to look at me, all of the damage disappeared behind his wide, blinding grin and his booming voice when he shouted, "Hey, Eren!" at me from across the room.
As I should have guessed, Reiner's personality was fucking indestructible.
I took stock of the attendance at the meeting. Levi was missing, as he had usually been ever since the number of meetings was increased. I sent a text to him just as we gathered into the habitual circle and started tossing our problems back and forth.
Me: hey Levi, where have you been? the YCSG misses you :(
The meeting went by as most of them did. Nothing special, no jarring realizations or dredging up of tragic backstories. Everyone left after two hours, when people (namely Sasha) started getting hungry and remembered that Armin's grandpa wasn't providing dinner for an entire cancer-fighting army. It wasn't until then that I checked my phone. While I had been ignoring it, Levi had texted me back.
Levi: Classes ran late today, and I have a lab report due tomorrow. Sorry.
Levi: and look who's talking, brat.
I smiled at my phone when I read it and sincerely hoped that no one saw.
Armin and I had already planned on my spending the night at his place, so Grandpa Arlert ordered some Chinese food for us while we Armin started up his computer and looked for a free anime site that wasn't plastered with ads so he could introduce me to a few of the series that Annie had recommended and that he himself had taken a liking to. We stayed up as late as we could, but cancer twinks can only go so far before they start to break down. So, after twelve episodes of Steins Gate and Armin having to skip back a few seconds because one of us had blacked out a little, we decided to call it quits.
However, once the laptop was off, we were wide awake again. We were lying on Armin's bed in a puppy pile of blankets for some indeterminate length of time before I finally asked, "Hey, Armin, are you awake?"
"Yeah," was his soft reply.
"Can't sleep?"
"Not anymore."
"I thought I would pass out once we turned your laptop off."
"So did I."
"Should we try to keep going?"
"No. It's not worth it."
I shifted around to find his face. "What are you thinking about?"
"Not much," he replied, and we both knew it wasn't true. "A lot," he corrected himself. Then, "Reiner. And Annie."
"Well if you're thinking of Annie, try not to get a boner."
Armin then grabbed a pillow and smacked me across the face with it. It hurt about as much as getting flicked by a rabbit's ear. "Ow," I said sarcastically. "But seriously, what are you thinking about?"
"I told you already," he went on, leaning against the pillow he had hit me with. "It's just gotten so complicated. And... so much worse than I feel like it should have been. You know how that is, right?"
I nodded. "It's just not fair. I mean, Reiner just lost someone he loved, and now he's going downhill too. It's not right. That kind of thing shouldn't happen."
"I know. But it does, and there isn't anything we can do about it."
I stared at his face in the dark for a while before I asked, "Have you been talking to him?"
"Yeah. Annie and I..." he started, and if it weren't so dark in his room I might have caught him blushing a little. "We've been visiting him as much as we can. Even the way he is, he needs to see people. He's an extrovert, so he doesn't do well with being alone for too long."
The room was quiet for a bit. I shifted around in the blankets and waited for him to continue. Armin was a little slow taking the hint. "What, do you want to tell you the medical stuff now?" he finally asked, sounding exasperated.
"I don't know. I just want details. You know I'm not good at finding things out for myself."
"I'm not sure if you know what you're asking for."
"I don't," I said shortly. "And that's why I want you to tell me."
Armin sighed and rolled over to stare at the ceiling. "I talked to his parents once when I was at his house, and I asked them about what was going on. They told me that his doctor was baffled by everything that happened. Reiner's cancer hasn't been active for years. Even before he joined the support group, his cancer's cell division had slowed so much that it had basically stopped. So they put him on a bimonthly medication to keep the cells in check, and for years now he's seemed totally healthy. But now..."
"But now?" I coaxed.
"She doesn't know," Armin replied. "Everyone thinks it has something to do with his emotional state. He and Bertolt were together for years. He was a part of their family, and they loved each other so much. When he died, Reiner must have... his body must have just given up."
"Is that really possible?" It didn't make very much sense to me. Someone's immune system couldn't stop working just because they were sad. If that were true, I should have died years ago. The entire reason I was still alive was because my body wasn't ready to die yet, no matter how much my mind was. If that was my case, I couldn't understand why Reiner's was any different.
"Well, mental health does have a huge impact on the physical," my best friend explained. "People can get physically sick from anxiety or depression. And you know how he took Bertolt's death."
"But he didn't seem any different at the meeting today."
"That's because how he deals with these things. He relies on other people, and that's the way he acts around them."
I curled up in the blankets and looked towards my feet. "He seemed so happy, though."
"He did, but I don't know how deep it goes," Armin murmured. "If losing Bertolt hit him hard enough for his cancer to come back, then there's no way..."
He trailed off, and the two of us were enveloped by silence for a while longer. I snuggled myself deeper into the blankets and found Armin's leg in the warm, fluffy chaos. I nudged him with my foot, and he rolled over to look at me.
"We're trying to fall asleep. Why are we thinking about this right now?" he asked.
"I don't know," I replied. "I just wanted to know more about what was happening."
Armin hid his nose in the blankets and closed his eyes. "Pain demands to be felt," he whispered.
Neither of us had anything else to say, so, eventually, we fell asleep.
January slowly became the month that everyone but me was busy.
I used to be weirdly proficient at keeping myself entertained. It only made sense, since I was alone at pretty much all times. Then I joined the Youth Cancer Support Group, and my skills were completely fucked over.
Only days after Armin left my house the afternoon after he stayed the night, I was starting to get bored. My homeschool could only take up so much of my time when I had literally nothing else to do. I was getting bored a lot faster than I used to. And believe me, I noticed. It was concerning at first. Then, once it sank in, I realized that this was probably how normal people felt most of the time.
As soon as I came to the conclusion, I decided to text Levi.
It was gone ten at night, and the house was quiet. It was in the middle of the absolute lull between when Mikasa gave up waiting for my dad to come home and when my dad actually came home. I was in my room, my door closed and no lights on but my bedside lamp, but I was feeling way too restless to sleep. My phone was balanced between my hands, hovering above my chest. My pulse picked up a little as I started typing.
Me: hey. are you awake?
As soon as I hit send, I thought about how dumb that sounded. Of course he was awake. He had told me about his college-based sleep deprivation too many times for me to forget. I stared at the screen until it went dark. This was stupid. I should have texted someone else.
Then my phone vibrated and I frantically unlocked it to see if he had replied.
New Message from: Levi
Yes.
I felt a little jolt of excitement at the fact that he had responded to me. It quickly wore off when I realized that I had absolutely nothing to talk about. I sighed in frustration, stared at my screen for a full minute, then typed in the first thing that I could pull out of my ass.
Me: what are you doing?
It was so mind-numbingly basic, but it was something.
Levi: Studying. Not sleeping. You?
Me: texting you. Going to sleep soon, but not really feeling it yet.
Levi: lucky brat
I cringed a little at the reply. I hadn't meant to rub my free time in his face.
Me: whoa sorry i didn't mean to show off
Me: i really don't have much else to do. it's boring here.
Levi: Good to know.
His replies seemed a little short.
Me: am I distracting you from something?
Levi: Not really. I was getting kind of sick of this shit anyway. I havent taken a break in hours.
Me: okay then take a break. get a snack. take a shit. do something else.
Levi: Ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
Levi: Wow real creative
Me: thanks i did my best
My phone was inactive for a minute. I wondered whether or not he was still paying attention to his, which quickly escalated into whether or not he wanted to talk to me at all. Just to make sure he was still there, I sent him another message.
Me: are you taking a break?
Levi: Yes yes jesus christ. I was just in the kitchen.
Levi: Calm your shit down
I smirked at the screen.
Me: what were you doing?
Levi: Making a cup of noodles.
Levi: Do you want to install a surveillance system in my house?
Me: what
Me: no. I just have literally nothing better to talk about
There was another blank space in between my text and his reply.
Levi: Then why did you text me?
I stared at the screen, reading his message over and over again. I didn't know how to respond. It was late. I was bored. I was lonely. There was nothing else to it. Levi definitely wouldn't take it as a valid response, but I wasn't feeling up to making up a bullshit reason that sounded more legitimate than the truth.
Me: no reason really.
Levi: You were just thinking of me
Levi: Is that it?
My face started to burn.
Me: maybe
Levi: Heh. Well thanks. It's nice to know someone does.
Me: ?
Me: come on Im sure other people think of you
Levi: I didn't mean it like that
Levi: It's just nice knowing that.
Levi: You understand right?
I couldn't help laughing a little at the message he'd left in the little speech bubbles on my screen. I couldn't believe it. For the first time since we had met, Levi Ackerman had done something awkward.
Me: yeah. I totally do.
Me: and youre right, it is nice
Levi: What have you been up to lately?
Levi: Classes and work have been death, so I need to know what's going on with the ycsg
Me: I have done nothing. what else is new
Me: the ycsg is pretty much the same
Levi: Is Reiner okay?
had to put my phone down as soon as my eyes graced the text. His question ran through my head. Was Reiner okay? I hadn't seen him in days. He was still talking to Armin and Annie, as far as I knew. Probably Marco, maybe Krista if he had kept her contact in his phone. He had people to turn to. Emotionally, he was probably stable at least. But physically, I had no idea. The last time I had seen him, he'd still been able to hold on the boisterous energy that all of us knew so well. It had to be a good sign of some kind.
Me: idk how he is now, but he was fine the last time i saw him.
It was another minute before Levi's reply came in.
Levi: Fine how?
Me: he still has energy and acts like himself
Me: i mean that has to count for something
Levi: It does. Ive just been gone so long
Levi: What about you?
I paused before typing my response in.
Me: what about me
Levi: Are you okay?
For a second, my brain felt scrambled as I stared at my phone. All things considered, I wasn't okay. There were a lot of things that could have been better than they were. But what was I supposed to tell him? I've been by myself for literally four days and I've already started to have separation anxiety?
Me: relatively.
Levi: What's wrong?
My heart seized up as I stared at my phone. He couldn't have known. There was no way that he had known. He couldn't have been able to tell that much from a text. It was one word. One word. How the hell had he known?
Me: nothing. why u ask?
Levi: Seriously brat.
Me: im kinda bored, i guess. maybe a little lonely. its been a few days since i last did anything interesting.
I didn't think it would concern him all that much. Boredom isn't that bad of a problem to have. Loneliness could be, but there was another support group meeting coming up in a few days. It wouldn't last.
Levi: I can get out of Trost early on Saturday.
It was all I could do not to scream like an aroused schoolgirl. I was still processing his words while my trembling fingers tried to put together a coherent response.
Me: what time
Levi: About four or five. I'll talk to Erwin about it. You might need another one on one.
Me: okay
Me: i need to ask my dad about it but okay
Levi: Let me know what his answer is. I should get back to work.
At that moment, I conveniently heard the front door swing open and my dad walk in. I typed in one last message.
Me: okay
Then I ventured out of my room to find my dad. He was in the kitchen, standing at the sink with the kettle sitting under the faucet. "Hi, Dad."
He started at the sound of my voice and whirled around to see me standing in the kitchen doorway. "Eren!" he said. "You scared me. I didn't know you were still up."
"I'm not really tired yet," I mused, wandering over to him. "What are you doing?"
"Just making tea. It helps me calm down after work so I can get to sleep easier."
"Oh." I probably could have guessed that much from the word Sleepytime in a small yellow banner and the picture of a cozy-looking personified bear on the box that sat next to the stove. My intended purpose of asking him about Levi nattered at the back of my mind, but my resolve wasn't up to carrying it out yet. "Could I make a cup too?"
"Sure. Just get another mug."
I did as he said, and the two of us stood around waiting for the water to boil. I asked him how his day was, and he eagerly went on for several minutes about the current experiment in the lab and how the latest staph cultures were still thriving, after a few generations ago they had been killed off pretty expediently by a cocktail of toxins they had exposed to them. The kettle started rumbling in the middle of all of it, so my dad shut the burner off and poured out equal amounts of water into the mugs that were waiting on the counter.
"I've gone on long enough about my day," he said all of a sudden. "How have you been?"
"I've been fine," I replied flatly. "Homeschool is okay. Nothing out of the ordinary." I tried to take a sip from my tea and promptly burned myself because I wasn't patient enough for it to cool.
My dad, on the other hand, had actually been successful in drinking his tea. He looked up at me from the edge of the mug, his glasses foggy from the steam. "Something you want to talk about, Eren?"
I tensed up for a second, not sure how to word the question. "Well, I... I've been kind of stuck at home for a few days," I started. The rest of the words all spilled out on their own. "And most of the people from support group have been busy lately. The next meeting isn't until Sunday, and I've been kind of- actually, I've been really bored. Way more bored than I used to get. So I was texting Levi, and he wants to come over on Saturday."
I shut my mouth once I had gotten the point across. My dad was staring at me. There was a questioning look on his face, and his fingers had tightened ever so slightly on his mug. "What does he want to come over for?" he asked cautiously.
"He wants to have a one-on-one therapy session. The group does that for people who need extra help when something serious happens."
He sipped his tea for a moment, thinking it over. "Is this about Reiner?"
"Yeah," I said, although I wasn't actually sure at all. I couldn't tell what Levi was thinking on the other side of a cell phone screen. "Mikasa's probably already told you that I'm kind of a special case in the group."
"She hasn't told me much, but she's mentioned it here and there," he confirmed. "How do these sessions normally work?"
"They're pretty casual. One of the admins visits a group member, they talk about whatever problems are going on and fix them up in whatever way they can."
"Has he ever done this before?"
"Yes," I quickly replied. Our session in October immediately came to mind. "Once."
The kitchen was quiet for a while longer, and I managed to drink a bit of tea before my dad asked, "What exactly did you text to him when he recommended the... one-on-one session?"
I cringed internally. The way he said it, one-on-one sounded like some kind of euphemism. "I just said hi, first of all. I didn't think he would answer, but he did, so we started talking and it somehow just came up."
"Did you say that you were having a problem coping with it?"
"No. He just asked how I was doing, and I told him the truth."
My dad's gaze sharpened with suspicion. "Which is?"
"I've been feeling a little out of it lately," I admitted, my palms turning cold. "Been stuck in the house. Kind of bored. Kind of lonely."
"And he took that as an invitation to come over?"
"No, Dad, it's not like that."
"But you couldn't have asked anyone else?"
"I told you already. I've tried. They're all busy already."
My dad sighed and carded the fingers of one hand into his hair, pulling a few strands loose from the rubber band that held them back. "Eren, I... listen, I'm not sure how to put this without sounding like a bigot."
"Whatever you need to say, you can just say it," I stated. I put my tea down on the counter and folded my arms over my chest, bracing myself for the impact.
"I know how you feel about him," he began after taking another breath. "And I know that you don't think that it's going to be anything more than that... just feelings. But I'm not sure how I should feel about you being alone together on a regular basis."
My arms dropped out of their defensive position. "Is it because he's a guy?"
"No, Eren. It's because he's an adult," he explained, lines of concern etching into his face as he spoke. "If what you have now turns into something more later on, there's no telling how it would work out. He might want different things. He might try to push you into things you're not ready for. It's not because you're in love with another man, it's..." He trailed off, as if only realizing what he said after he had already said it. "You do love him, don't you?"
I couldn't hold up anymore. My throat tightened against my will, and hot, acidic tears welled up in the corners of my eyes. I tried to respond, but all that came out was a weak, strangled murmur.
"How come it sounds so wrong when you say it?"
"Eren..." my dad tried to begin.
"I... I don't understand it," I said convulsively. "I don't know why this is happening. I hate it, and I want it to stop. But it won't. I don't want things to be like this, but I... I just... I love him, and I can't make myself stop."
"Eren," my dad said again, more assertively this time. I stopped my lovesick rambling and stared up at him, my eyes feeling like they were swimming in lava. He placed his tea down on the counter and put a hand on my shoulder. "I'm not upset with you because of how you feel. In fact, I'm not really upset at all. It's probably better this way, and I wouldn't change it if I could. But there are things that I am concerned about. Do you understand?"
I nodded feebly.
"You need to be careful around him. You can't let things get out of hand if you're not ready. And, frankly, I don't think you are. In the end it's up to you, but that's what I think. I just want you to consider it." He gave my shoulder a reassuring squeeze. "I'm only telling you this because I want you to be safe. You know that, right?"
I took a deep, shuddering breath and nodded again. He gave me a tired smile, then stepped toward me and hugged me close. I wound my arms around his waist and rested my head on his shoulder. For a second, I felt like a little kid again, being reassured after waking up from a nightmare, told that I was in the real world again and that everything would be alright. Then he let me go, and we both stepped back to finish off the rest of our tea.
"So what should I tell Levi?" I finally worked up the courage to ask.
"If you want him to come over, go ahead and say yes," my dad replied. "Just be aware of what your situation is. Don't do anything without thinking it through first."
I couldn't help the smile that broke out on my face. "Thank you so much, Dad," I said. I stuck my mug into the dishwasher, hugged him one last time and started for the stairs. "I'll answer him tomorrow. Goodnight."
"Goodnight, Eren," he replied. "I am going to be home on Saturday, though," he called after me. "Just keep that in mind."
I will, I thought as I went back upstairs and closed myself into my room again. My phone was still lying on my bed where I had left it. I had an answer for Levi now, even though he might not be awake to read it.
Me: he just got home. He said it's fine.
I shut my bedside lamp off and curled up under the covers. As I was drifting off, my phone vibrated. I automatically unlocked the screen and checked my inbox. By some miracle, Levi was still awake, and he had seen my text.
Levi: Cool. See you saturday. Okay?
Me: Okay.
That was Thursday. Friday was the same, minus the conversation with Levi. By the time I woke up on Saturday, it was almost noon and I could smell something wafting up the stairs from the kitchen. I dragged myself out of bed, threw some clothes on and followed the trail of scent.
When I walked into the kitchen, the stove was on, Mikasa and my dad were sitting at the table and the counters were a mess of ingredients. It happened that Mikasa had taken full advantage of the fact that our Dad was home for the day and she had looked up some fancy toasted sandwich recipe online. I joined in, we made a huge mess and the rest of the day went by in a pretty similar way.
On some off chance, Mikasa didn't have an MMA practice scheduled for that day, meaning we would be stuck together for a while. She did have a party that night, though, so it wouldn't last too long. We wasted another hour at home before my dad looked in the fridge and realized we had used the last of the decent cooking ingredients in the house during lunch. We were back home after a trip to ShopRite that took about twice as long as it should have. My sister went to her room to get ready for her party, my dad went to his laptop to check some emails, and I waited.
Levi had said he would be able to get out of work at about four or five. It was a twenty-minute drive from Trost Regional Hospital to my house, fifteen if he sped, which he usually did. He usually went for the exact medium of expectations, so I figured he would get out at around four thirty. Then it would be another twenty minutes, and he would get to my house at four fifty.
I glanced at my clock. It was almost four. I still had about an hour to kill, so I went to my laptop to keep me busy. I wouldn't have enough time to watch a full episode of any of my usual shows on Netflix, so I settled for Tumblr instead, but my eyes couldn't focus on the screen while I scrolled. My head was somewhere else entirely.
The minutes ticked past, and I waited anxiously to hear his Soul pull into the driveway. Four thirty. Four forty-five. Four-fifty. Then five, and still there was nothing. The time dragged on, further and further past when I had predicted he would arrive. I kept scrolling, hoping that soon enough I would feel the vibrations from the driveway seeping into the house. The time only kept on passing. So much of it passed that I gave up on Tumblr and went to Netflix instead, then my dad leaned into my room to ask me what I wanted for dinner. I told him Chinese takeout would be fine, since he had made lunch, then looked at the clock again. Six thirty-seven. I sighed and melted into the mattress. He wasn't coming.
My dad left with Mikasa not much later, and my dad came back carrying an oversized paper bag. I was at the top of the stairs, my phone clutched in one hand. He looked up at me and asked, "He's still not here?"
I shook my head. "No. Not yet."
My dad didn't say anything in return. We set up the table for dinner, dug what we wanted out of the takeout boxes and ate in a mostly-comfortable silence. There wasn't much to talk about, since we had been together all day.
Halfway through, someone knocked on the door.
My dad and I looked at each other across the table, then I gave in and got up to open the door. Levi was standing outside, his cheeks and nose flushed from the cold.
"Hey," he said.
"Hi," I replied nervously.
He peered around me and looked into the kitchen, the same place that we'd tried to have a discussion that had turned into an argument nearly a month earlier. My dad was still at his place, keeping a watchful eye on the front door. "Am I interrupting anything?" Levi asked.
"Well, we were eating dinner, but we were almost done. It's really not a big deal."
"Are you sure? I mean, I could wait or..."
"No, it's fine. Really," I cut him off and shut the door behind him. I had no idea what he meant by wait, since there was really nothing for him to do. What would he do, stand outside until I came out and told him he could come in?
"Oh," he murmured, shrugging off his jacket. "If that's the case, would you mind if I joined you guys? I haven't even seen food since my lunch break." He took notice of my dad and added, "I won't eat much. I promise."
"It's fine," my dad said, even though neither of us had been talking to him. "We've got enough to go around."
"Thank you so much, Dr. Jaeger," Levi responded. I started back toward the kitchen and he followed behind me. I took out a plate and silverware for him, then took my seat back. He settled down next to me, then glanced frantically back and forth between me and my dad. I couldn't believe it. Levi was actually capable of being nervous.
"You're a little late," my dad said casually. "What kept you so long?"
"I got held up with an emergency admission towards the end of my shift," Levi answered. "A girl came into the emergency room because a kneecap tumor had become inflamed and she needed to be admitted for surgery a few days early. Dr. Erwin's staff had to be on hand for a few extra hours so she could be settled in."
"Oh," I said. "You could have just told me." I noticed his plate was still empty and offered him the box of fried rice. Shy Levi was, admittedly, kind of cute, but his hesitation was making things a little uncomfortable.
"I would have, but I was being kept pretty busy. By the time I was let out, I was already late, so I just jumped into the car and drove here."
"Do they do this to you a lot?" my dad asked.
"Sometimes." Levi neatly scraped out the rest of the rice and carefully picked up another container. "They pay me for the extra hours, though." Because god knows you need the money, I finished in my head.
Dinner, in a word, was awkward. It already was a little bit that way when my dad and I were alone. Levi's presence amplified it to about twelve times what it was before. He was tense the entire time, doing his best to make small talk, even though he obviously didn't have much practice. He ate fast, and surprisingly neatly for his speed, and once he'd cleared off his first plate he didn't take another.
My dad left eventually, mentioning something about a conference call with the staff from another branch of the laboratory before disappearing up the stairs. Once he was gone, Levi almost visibly melted with relief.
"You don't need to be terrified of my dad, you know," I said.
Levi's eyebrows pinched together in a slight frown. "I'm not terrified of him. I'm just trying to make a good impression."
"Well, he knows you're polite, I guess." He totally wasn't, but it wouldn't have done well for my dad to know that from the get-go.
Levi sighed and emptied out another takeout box onto his plate. "It's not him. I'm just not good at meeting new people."
I smiled. "Neither am I."
He finished off the rest of the takeout (after seven hours without food, apparently) and we went down to the basement to go through the same ritual that we had performed for our first one-on-one. I laid down on the couch, he pulled a beanbag chair up next to me, and we started talking.
There was, obviously, one place that he intended to start.
"How do you feel about what's happening to Reiner?"
"It sucks," I replied. "It doesn't feel right. I feel like the world is kicking him while he's already down. In fact, I feel like he's been kicked and downed and kicked again multiple times in a row. First he has cancer, then his boyfriend dies, now it's this shit. And I don't understand how this could have happened. He was doing so well, and apparently he's seemed perfectly healthy for years, other than his weird molting-lizard back. Armin tried to explain it to me, but it doesn't make sense, and it seems really fucked up that his cancer took advantage of him while he was depressed. His melanoma reactivated because he was suffering from an emotional loss. How sick is that? Why does biology work that way?"
Levi stared at me for a second, then said, "Well, that went a lot faster than I expected it to."
"It was just something I've been wanting to get out of my system, that's all."
"Right. Is there anything else you want to say about him? Things that bother you, or that you're worried about, maybe?"
"Well, there's the support group, first of all. He holds it together. All the long-term members do. I know that it would have been his last year even if everything hadn't gotten complicated, but he was going to become an admin to stay with the group. I can't help feeling like it's going to fall apart without him." I turned to look at the back of his head. "That's not to say it will. Or that he's actually going to die."
"It's an understandable fear. Good job keeping things in perspective, though."
"People have graduated from the group before, right?"
"Yeah. Quite a few have. Not everyone dies before they leave, brat."
"Hm," I murmured, rolling onto my back. "That's good to know, I guess."
The basement was quiet for a moment. Levi turned around to face me, maybe because he thought I had fallen asleep. "Is there anything else you wanted to talk about?" he asked.
"Not... really..." I admitted. Heat crept up my neck and into my cheeks.
"Then can I ask you something?"
"It's what you came here to do, I guess."
"Why were you at home for the past week?"
The answer was so much easier to give than the last time he had asked me that question. "I had nothing to do. Homeschool took up a bunch of my time, then I tried to see if anyone was available to hang out, but... nothing."
"No one? Really?"
"I don't know many people outside the support group. That's, like..." I took a second to count on my fingers. "...seven people in total."
"Not including Seabiscuit?"
"Nope."
Levi sighed and sat back against the couch. "And here I was, thinking something was seriously wrong."
I sat up and leaned over towards him, and he turned and looked at me again. "Actually, Levi..." I started. Then I stopped. There was something I wanted to say to him. But as soon as I tried, it slipped past me. I caught it again, and realized it would sound insanely stupid.
"Yeah?" he replied expectantly.
I bit my lip and took a breath before starting over. "There was a reason that I texted you. For a while, I've been... god, this is going to sound so weird, but... lately, I've been getting lonely a lot faster than I used to."
"Hm." Levi raised an eyebrow. "How so?"
"It's kind of hard to explain. But it's been happening for months now. Like, for instance, I had a sleepover with Armin after the last meeting we had-"
"That's adorable."
"Shut up. Anyway, I felt fine for a while after that, but within a few days I started feeling... I don't know how to put it. Empty. Kind of restless. It's never to me happened before."
Levi nodded as I spoke. "So you get bored and lonely without your friends."
"Yes."
"I really don't see anything that's wrong with that."
"But it happens so fast," I protested. "Isn't that a sign of... I don't know, separation anxiety or something?"
"Maybe," Levi answered. "But it doesn't sound that way, judging by what you're telling me."
"Are you sure?"
As if cued by those words, Levi kneeled on the beanbag chair and leaned in towards me. "I'm going to let you in on a little secret, Eren."
My heart spazzed out. "Which is?"
"That's what it feels like when you have friends."
Well, if that wasn't anticlimactic, I didn't know what was. "What?"
"When there are people in your life that you care about, you want to be with them," he explained matter-of-factly. "And sometimes, if you've been a certain way for long enough, it can change you. It doesn't necessarily mean it's a bad thing. And you know what, brat?"
"What?"
"The same thing happened to me."
Now it was my turn to raise my eyebrows. "Seriously?"
"Yeah," he replied. "And that's just how it works. Even if you're not a person who likes being social, there are always a few people who are exceptions."
"So, like... Hanji?" I mused.
"No," Levi said flatly. "Not Hanji. I put up with her on a regular basis, but she's not my exception."
"Then who is?"
Levi paused, and his expression wavered for a second. "There have been a few people," he said. "I met a bunch of exceptions when I was a kid. I don't even talk to most of them anymore. Erwin was one, I suppose. Then there was you."
My heart stopped. He couldn't be serious.
"Me?" I asked.
"You got me Christmas and birthday presents. Why wouldn't you be one?"
I stared at him in disbelief, trying to find something to say but incapable of using my words. He was serious. I was an exception. I meant something more to him than other people did. He might as well have proposed to me, because coming from him that was basically what it felt like.
"I... I don't know what to say," I stammered.
"You don't have to say anything," Levi responded. "It's just a statement of fact."
"But I... I'm an exception to you?"
"Do you want me to rescind that statement?"
"Wha- no. No." I laid back down on the couch. "I just... I want to say something."
"Then we can talk about something else, if you want."
And that was exactly what we did. For the next six hours.
We threw the conversation around carelessly, not really trying to accomplish anything anymore. He had come over to solve whatever problem I was having, but it turned out there was no problem to solve. I was surprised that he hadn't left as soon as he found out there was nothing for him to do. But he didn't. He just sat in my basement and talked to me until both of us had lost track of time. We would hear movement above us every now and again. My dad checked in on us at one point before leaving and coming back a few minutes later with Mikasa in tow. I came upstairs for a while to say goodnight to her, then went back to the basement and to Levi.
Once I thought I saw someone leaning against the doorjamb at the top of the basement stairs. But when I looked, they quickly disappeared. Levi had noticed it too.
"I think we're being shadowed," he said.
"It's probably just my dad," I explained with a shrug.
"Wow. Does he really trust me so little?"
"I don't know. I'm not him."
"You could ask."
"Obviously he thinks you're secretly a forty-year-old pedophile." I laughed a little, even though it didn't quite fit the situation. It actually wasn't far from the truth.
"Hmph. Irrational, maybe, but I can't really say I blame him."
And we kept talking.
It didn't stop until Levi looked at the clock and said, "Holy shit, is that seriously what time it is?"
I turned to look at this digital reading on the DVD player. It was almost half an hour after midnight.
"How the hell were we down here for that long?" I asked no one in particular. I sat straight up and staggered to my feet as if I had somewhere to go. "I'm surprised my dad didn't say anything."
"I'm surprised he didn't kick me out," Levi said.
I looked up at the doorway to the kitchen. The light outside had been turned off, and probably had been that way for a while. "How did we even stay up this late?" I wondered out loud.
"I should probably get home," he quietly pointed out. "I've probably overstayed my welcome at this point." Even as he said the words, I saw that he was wilting a little in the beanbag chair where he was sitting. He staggered to his feet, but I stopped him before he could start towards the front door.
"Are you sure that's a good idea?" I asked.
Levi cocked his head and looked quizzically at me. "Why wouldn't it be?"
"You seem really tired. I don't know how safe it would be for you to drive home." I sounded a little more worried than I was used to hearing, but I didn't care. "I wouldn't want you to fall asleep at the wheel."
"I guess..." Levi murmured. He glanced up at the darkened doorway, then back at me. "Do you think your dad's going to be okay with this?"
My dad definitely wouldn't be, but that didn't mean I was going to let Levi get into an accident. "He already knows you're here."
It only took that much to get Levi to surrender. "Okay. Just a few hours, I guess."
I ventured upstairs first to my room to change into pajamas, then to the linen closet in the bathroom to grab a spare set of sheets and took a few pillows from my bed to bring downstairs. There were some throw blankets stacked up in the corner of the living room, and a few more in the basement. We pulled all of the beanbags together into a big squishy pile, then threw the pillows and blankets on top.
Once it was all completed, I turned to Levi. "Do you want the beanbags or the couch?"
"What?"
"Which one do you want to sleep on? The beanbags or the couch?" I asked, rephrasing the question.
"I thought we were just setting up one place to sleep."
"Well, I don't want to leave you alone in here." I stopped myself right there. It had taken about a second for me to realize exactly how creepy I sounded.
"I thought I was just going to crash here for a few hours and leave as soon as I wake up. I didn't mean to turn this into a full-blown sleepover."
I wasn't sure whether I should have been insulted by that or not. "That's not what I meant either."
"Then why do you want to share the basement with me?"
I sighed and dropped my gaze to the floor. "I don't want you to be alone if my dad wakes up and finds you here. Does there have to be another reason?"
Levi stared at me for a while, a look in his eyes that I couldn't quite identify. "I guess not," he said quietly. "Just one thing, though. Do you have a toothbrush I can borrow? Because if I have to spend all night with rotting bacteria in my mouth I won't be able to sleep."
I told him that, obviously, we had an entire package up in the bathroom. We brushed our teeth together, and I let him borrow a shirt and sweatpants to use as pajamas. When he walked out of the bathroom after changing, I almost burst out laughing. My clothes hung off of his small frame like laundry on a clothesline. The short sleeves went almost to his elbows, the shirt's hem fell past his hips, and my sweatpants were crumpled into folds around his ankles. He looked ridiculous. And, as painful as it was to admit... cute.
"You're adorable," I told him, grinning like an idiot.
"Shut the fuck up," he promptly replied.
We didn't talk much for the rest of the night. When we went back to the basement, we decided that he could take the couch, since I had been on it all night, and I would sleep on the beanbag-bed. He rolled himself up in the mess of blankets I had given him, and I got a glimpse of him, curled up in a bundle of blankets with his eyes closed and his hair in a messy raven halo on the pillow, before I turned out the light and stumbled my way back to the beanbags. I fell asleep to the sound of his breathing and my pulse rushing in my ears.
Levi wasn't there when I woke up.
I was surprised at first. We had been up late the night before, and he had seemed far too tired to have simply gotten up and walked out after only a few hours of sleep. Then I found the note he had left on the couch cushion, right next to the neatly folded pile of blankets that he had used the night before.
Good morning, brat. It's 6:30 AM, and as far as I know, I'm the only person in this house who is awake right now. I'm going to leave before I get into any more trouble. Don't worry about me, I'll be fine on my way home. I've slept a lot less than this before and had to do things afterwards that were far more difficult than driving a car.
Thanks so much for letting me stay here. I threw out the toothbrush I used, and I left your clothes in your room in what I think is your hamper. Thanks again for letting me borrow those. I hope you don't mind, but I took a granola bar from your pantry before I left. I can pay for it if you want me to.
Levi
I smirked a little at the last few lines. No need for that, Levi, I thought.
I glanced at the clock. He'd left the note there more than two hours earlier. My dad had probably left for work already. I had no idea what Mikasa was doing, but I didn't hear her upstairs. I looked back at the note and felt my face draw itself up into a smile.
He'd made it home safe, I had this note from him, and that was all that mattered. Keeping that thought in mind, I staggered drowsily to my feet, pulled the blankets off of the beanbags and left them in a heap next to the neatly folded stack Levi had left. Once that was finished, I crept upstairs to my bedroom.
The house was quiet, and Mikasa's door was still closed as I passed. I breathed a sigh of relief as I slipped through my bedroom door. I was safe, at least for now. And so was Levi. I crawled into bed, curled up and closed my eyes again, his note still resting in my hand.
Sunday was boring. And then the support group meeting happened, and my day became infinitely better.
My dad was working again, but he came home during his lunch break to pick us up and ferry us to the library. We would be arriving a little early, but sitting around for twenty minutes isn't that big challenge when you're surrounded by books. Besides that, I had decided to bring my writing notebook with me. It had been a while since I had last touched it, and I figured that it was about time I added to my archives.
While Mikasa conversed casually with the librarians she had worked for over the summer, I sat squirreled away in the reading room, scribbling random thoughts down on the faint blue lines on my notepaper.
Cancer cells begin like regular human cells, but they aren't regular.
Cancer cells are made of the same things as human cells, but there is something wrong with them.
Cancer cells don't care for the cells that are like them but aren't.
Cancer cells destroy human cells.
Cancer cells will destroy all the human cells they can for as long as they live.
I thought back to June. Hanji's assignment had led to that funny little metaphor I came up with. I hadn't thought much about it before that point, but I had my notebook with me. I figured that I might as well, so I put my pencil to the paper for one more sentence.
Cancer is a monster.
As soon as I finished, enthusiastic chatter sounded from the lobby, quickly followed by a harsh "Excuse me!" from the librarian at the front desk. There were few people that I knew who had the audacity to shout in a library, and Hanji Zoe was one of them. I flipped my notebook shut and returned to the lobby. Sure enough, it was her, along with Connie, whose would-be-stoner grin was displayed obnoxiously on his face.
"Eren!" Hanji stage-whispered as soon as she laid eyes on me. I ran to her before she could get into any more trouble and she killed me with a hug, as was our routine for every meeting.
Connie moved to stand behind her so I could see him. "What's up?"
"Pretty much as close to nothing as I can get," I choked out.
Hanji let go of me, Mikasa joined us and we got scolded by the librarian one more time before we decided to move our meeting into the reading room where we always sat. People began showing up after that. Sasha was first, with a box of Munchkins stashed under her jacket, then Armin, Jean and Marco.
Levi walked in a few minutes after them, looking disillusioned and a little more tired than he normally did. My mind flitted back to the night before, and something in me wanted desperately to mention it. I didn't know how good an idea that would be, though. I had to settle for a weak little smile aimed in his direction and hoping he would get the message. His eyes met mine for a second, and his mouth twitched into a smirk. I felt a blush coming on, and I had to bite my lip and look away before my reaction got any worse. His reply still came across to me, though. Thanks for everything, brat.
At least that was what I thought he meant. I wasn't sure if Levi shared the same telepathic connection with me that Mikasa and Armin did, but I liked to think he did.
Reiner was the last to arrive, and he had brought Annie with him. Annie was holding his hand when they walked in, even though Reiner seemed no different than he did the last time we had seen him. He still had the same smile, the same optimistic attitude, even the same energy that we all remembered. With the last two members of the YCSG in the room, Hanji finally started the meeting.
It was average, as far as meetings go. People had some problems to discuss, most of them normal cancer stuff. Missing school for doctor appointments was about as bad as it got. Then someone got the bright idea to ask Reiner about how his radiation therapy had been going. His cheerfulness faltered for a split second, and he went on to tell us (as casually as he could) that there hadn't been very much of a result yet, but he had been holding up so far and he was going to be given a second screening that week, so his prognosis was pretty good. I hoped that he wasn't just telling us that to make us feel better.
A little bit before the meeting's scheduled hour was up, Hanji called everyone's attention to herself.
"I got an idea a little while ago," she began. "I thought that since a lot has been happening within the group lately, and since it seemed to help move things along at meetings before, I should probably start giving out writing prompts again." I heard a few unenthused noises from the group, one of them being mine. Hanji barreled straight on through them and kept talking. "I know, I know, we torture you guys so much. But it wasn't that bad. Besides, I think you guys are going to like this one."
That meeting's optional writing assignment happened to be Would you wish cancer upon anyone? Who? Why?
After that, the meeting ended, and a grand total of three people actually left. The rest of us stuck around way longer than we were supposed to, like we always did. Armin had invited me, Mikasa and Annie to come over his house after the meeting. Hanji and Levi had to supervise us as long as we were together. And Jean and Marco were just there, getting as much time together as they could.
Annie had gotten pulled aside by Armin and Mikasa, and they had gotten into a heated game of MASH on a piece of printer paper while we waited for Grandpa Arlert to show up. I had passed on participating, so I went back to my old hobby of watching other people talk. The rest of the group seemed to be having a good time on their own.
Then Levi caught my attention and waved me over to the other conversation that was going on in the room. I joined in a little hesitantly, only knowing to start with, "What are you guys talking about?"
"Our schedule for next month," Hanji answered. "We're more than halfway through January already, and we haven't worked anything out yet. I can't believe everything's gone by so fast!"
I couldn't believe it either. In all honesty, I hadn't even been paying attention. "Oh. Well... I've got the same schedule in February as any other month," I said flatly. "Nothing going on."
"It's not a bad thing, really," Levi pointed out. "At least we know we can fit you in anywhere."
I want to fit myself in you, Levi.
I mentally slapped myself for thinking that.
"We should have gone over this while the others were here," Jean complained while expressly avoiding making eye contact with me.
"Then we can work this out at the next meeting," Marco said. "It'll probably be better to have somewhere to write this down, anyway. We're going to need a calendar to mark this down and-"
And Marco was cut short by a sudden coughing fit.
I started at the noise and felt my eyebrows knit in concern. "Are you okay?" I asked once he was able to breathe normally again.
"Y-yeah, I'm fine. It's been happening for the past few days. Probably a chest cold or something."
"Oh. You scared me there for a second."
I noticed that Jean looked even more worried than I probably felt. "Man, I told you that you should get that checked out."
"And I told you to stop worrying about it," Marco said, smiling and nudging his shoulder against Jean's. "Nothing's happened yet. If there were something seriously wrong, I would know."
At that moment, a phone went off somewhere in the room. Then Armin was behind me, grabbing me by the arm. "Eren, my grandpa just got here. We have to get going."
"Okay," I said. I turned back to Marco. "I hope you feel better soon."
He smiled at me. "I probably will. See you."
I turned to follow the rest of my group out into the lobby. "See you later, brat," Levi called after me. I glanced over my shoulder, met his eyes just long enough to stick my tongue out at him and kept walking. I was still just close enough to hear the rest.
"Brat?" Marco asked.
"It's just a stupid nickname. I've been calling him that for a while," was Levi's reply.
"Well, it's not inaccurate." Jean.
"Be nice, Jean." Marco.
And then another short, raspy cough just as the library door swung shut behind me. I shivered, and not just because the temperature around me had just dropped by about fifty degrees. The last time I had heard coughing like that, it had been mine, and it hadn't turned out to be just a chest cold.
I tried to push the thought out of my mind as I piled into the Arlert Accord with everyone else. I didn't need to be thinking about this on top of everything else. Marco had said it wasn't serious. He knew more about his lungs than I did. He'd said that he was fine. That had to mean he was telling the truth.
Right?