a/n: You know, I rarely see any friendship fics with Noodle and Russel. Such a shame. Needs to be fixed.

OOO

Chapter 6: Equals

OOO

"Okay, I'm about 70% positive I have this set up properly!"

Russel sat in the front yard worriedly and tried to look into the house through the front window. He could only just see Noodle standing on one of the kitchen chairs and leaning over the kitchen sink, but couldn't make out much else besides that. "And the other 30 percent?" Russel called back into the house.

"Well, this faucet adaptor I got offline? The instructions came in Swedish, so…"

"I thought you knew Swedish!"

"Barely," Noodle grumbled back. "It was my worst language, I have no idea what this says. But don't worry!" she corrected quickly. "I'm pretty sure I've got it."

Noodle was doing that thing where her voice got all high-pitched when she was trying to pretend everything was fine when it really wasn't, and Russel did a small prayer that their kitchen plumbing was still intact. They didn't have the money to be hiring someone to fix it, and Murdoc would more than likely try and strap on a tool belt and pretend that he knew anything about how to fix a pipe. Last thing they needed was to deal with another house flooding. There came that annoying desire to go into the house and supervise again, just to make sure nothing was going wrong while he was banished outside, but Russel needed to start getting used to the fact that the rest of the band would have to deal with these kinds of messes themselves. He heard a particularly discordant clang of metal piping, and Russel called back inside the house. "Noodle?"

Another loud screech of metal rang through the house before Noodle shouted in victory. "Got it!" She leaned dangerously over the back of the chair and poked her head out so that Russel could see her. "I'm gonna turn it on now. Let me know if it works."

Russel nodded and pulled out the rest of the garden hose that was still sitting in the hose reel left inside the house just underneath the open window. He pulled over the large inflatable pool that Noodle had found stashed away among Murdoc's things down in the basement and stuck the end of the hose inside. He held up a thumb and waited patiently as Noodle turned the taps on full blast and heard the pipes shudder a little in response. It took a little bit for the water to make it through the hose — maybe they should have gotten one that was a little shorter — but sure enough, the water started rushing through the rubber tubing and splashing into the inflatable pool. Russel grinned and called back inside the house. "It's working, Noodz!"

Noodle cheered in response and Russel heard her shuffling around in the kitchen before she kicked the front door open and walked into the front yard carrying a large pot, a small satchel, and a sword sitting in its hilt hanging off her back.

Russel pointed warily at the sword. "Please tell me that's not that samurai sword you picked up the last time we went to Tokyo."

Noodle wrinkled her nose, placed the large pot — what the heck was all that stuff inside of it? — by the pool before digging through her satchel. She sat down in front of Russel, pulled out a whetstone brick, set it on the ground in front of her, and unsheathed the blade. "Absolutely not. That's an antique. Far too precious to use for shaving." Noodle passed the sword over the stone and began sharpening it while she grinned sheepishly. "No offense."

Russel lifted a hand. "None taken."

"It's just an old machete I had lying around. Should work just fine once I sharpen it."

Russel jutted his chin over to the large metal pot still sitting a few feet away. "And that? What's that?"

"Homemade shaving cream," she announced, her brows furrowing in concentration as she lifted the blade, scrutinized the edge, and put it right back against the stone "Bought everything in bulk online and cooked it up in the kitchen. Way cheaper than just buying fifty cans of shaving cream from the store."

It looked a little bit like whipped butter, and Russel curiously swirled his pinky finger around inside of it. "I didn't know you could make that kinda stuff naturally."

Noodle chuckled. "Just like you thought I couldn't figure out a way to shave you properly. I'm full of surprises," she teased.

Russel chuckled as he rubbed his hand along his jaw, the salt and pepper beard scratching against his palm and growing longer and longer by the day. It was bad enough that his size was enough to offput everyone in the neighborhood, but having the beard added into the mess was enough to have people look up at him sitting on the roof like he was some old, wisened giant out of a fantasy RPG that was prepared to give them their next quest. There was only so much trimming you could get away with by using a pair of shears picked up from the home improvement store.

He always liked being shaven anyway. Made him feel ten times cleaner. Noodle had sworn to him that she could figure out a way to do it for him properly, and, just as he suspected, he was in awe of how much work and honest thought she had put into making him comfortable. It made the whole "being mutated and oversized" debacle a lot easier to deal with.

He was making faces at the stray dog trotting along across the street and trying to call him over to this side of the street when Noodle nodded firmly and put away her whetstone. "Looks good to me," she declared with finality. She stood and tapped the side of her jaw. "Want me to smear it on?"

"Nah, I've got it." He scooped out the shaving cream from the pot and used the reflection of the windows as a mirror while he smeared it all over his chin and jaw. He inhaled and smiled. "Smells great! How'd you do that?"

Noodle climbed on top of 2D's car in the driveway and sat with her legs crossed while she watched Russel work. "I crushed up some mint and put it inside because I know you love how it smells."

Russel laughed and darted his eyes to the left to smile at her. "You still remember that? I feel like I mentioned that years ago…"

Noodle shrugged. "I'm sure you did, but I wouldn't forget something like that about you. What on Earth kind of friend would I be?"

She waited for the pool to fill up completely before Noodle scurried back inside to turn off the faucets. She came back with an armful of towels that she dumped on the hood of the car and pulled out her sword. "Give me a lift?"

Russel let Noodle climb into his hand and lifted her up high enough so that she was perfectly level with his jaw. She turned the sword over in her hands a few times and turned Russel's head to the side so that the left side of his jaw was facing her. "Try not to move okay? I don't want to cut you by accident."

The blade scratched against his skin harshly, and he was sure for a moment Noodle sliced his cheek open, but he opened his eyes and breathed a sigh of relief when the shave came out clean and Noodle swiped the shaving cream off the sword to rinse it in the water. Noodle's tongue was poking out from the corner of her mouth as she took extra care to make sure that she didn't press down too hard and leave him with bumps or cuts. A few passerby were staring at the sight strangely, but Noodle wasn't letting herself get distracted.

She pulled out a pair of scissors and was snipping away at the stray hairs that she missed when she spoke up. "Can I ask you something?"

Russel tried to speak without moving his lips too much so that she wouldn't distract her. "You don't gotta ask permission. Of course."

Noodle pursed her lips, swallowed, and spoke carefully. "Do you...like how things are right now? Like, with you, and… you know…"

"The whole being oversized thing?" Russel joked.

Noodle laughed nervously. "Yeah."

Russel shrugged his shoulders when Noodle turned to rinse off the sword again. "I can't necessarily say if I like it or don't, because there ain't much to be done about it right now, know what I mean? This is how things are, and it may stay like this, or it might not. But if there's one thing I've learned, it's that you gotta roll with the punches when they hit you."

Noodle wrinkled her nose. "So, just get used to it?"

"Yeah," Russel agreed. "It ain't all that bad, I swear. Kinda sucks when it rains, and buying food's a little expensive, but I think I'm getting smaller by the day. Hopefully this is just temporary."

Noodle laughed softly and switched to the other side of his jaw. "You're so optimistic…"

"And you're not? You were always the optimistic one…"

Noodle shrugged. "It's not that I'm not optimistic, it's just…" She breathed in deeply and mulled over her thoughts. "Well...you never talk about yourself anymore."

Russel raised a brow. "Not true. The two of us talk everyday."

"Not like that," Noodle explained. "You're always telling me about your day, and always telling me about the silly things you see outside, but nothing else."

Russel shrugged. "Not much else to tell. Gets kinda boring out here most of the time."

"You know what I mean, Russel," Noodle said firmly. "There's a lot you're not telling anyone...a lot you're not telling me. And I worry about you."

He shifted in his seat a little bit when Noodle lifted the blade from his skin. "You mean…."

Noodle smiled sadly. "Yeah, that."

There was a time a while ago — only a couple of days after everyone was all moved into Wobble and effectively hidden away from any angry gun-wielding scum that Murdoc had mixed himself with — where 2D suggested they all just sit down in the living room together and catch the group up on what they'd all missed. Especially in the cases of Noodle and Russel, there were going to be so many fans asking a huge breadth of questions, and it seemed better for band dynamic to just get it all in the open in one shot, no leaving out details, and no leaving anyone in the dark.

Needless to say it was a lot harder than everyone thought it would be. It was half an issue of rehashing less-than-pleasant memories, and half an issue of not knowing how to articulate them. Noodle at first didn't even know how to describe what she went through and what she saw. "Something that can't be put into words," she used to say cryptically. Considering her later admission that her rumored time in Hell was actually a legitimate claim, he couldn't exactly blame her for being tight lipped.

Noodle served as a convenient excuse for Russel to be vague about his own travels and experiences. He was usually the quieter one anyway, so it didn't seem as if anyone was too interested in hearing dirty specifics. It was always easier to say nothing, and Russel didn't quite mind doing that. Besides, things not brought up were best not remembered, and Russel also didn't mind sticking by that statement.

But Noodle had already buckled up the nerve to map the past ten years out, not just for everyone else, but for herself, she claimed, and it was a long night filled with questions and stories and elaborations and frustration. No one pushed Russel to take his turn, so he never did.

Noodle moved on to shaving underneath his nose when he answered. "Just...never came up."

"I don't think that's totally true," Noodle explained. "I don't mean to push you. That's not why I'm bringing it up. But you look like you want to talk. Like this is something you need to tell someone. And if that's true, then I think you should."

"Is it really written all over my face?"

Noodle shook her head. "I doubt it. But I pay attention to these sorts of things. I know you, Russel. You can't pull the wool over my eyes that easily."

Russel chuckled in agreement. Noodle was always the most considerate one of the group, and easily the most attentive.

He didn't reveal anything right away, instead choosing to let Noodle finish up with his face, let him dry off his face, and scrutinize the shave in the reflections in the window while she packed up everything and shoved it back into the front hallway of the house. It wasn't a bad job at all, he noted with relief. It was nice to finally have his face clean again, and he was wondering what would happen to him if he were unable to find disposable razors in his size. But Noodle looked underneath his chin once she was done cleaning up and held up both of her thumbs to give her own approval as well. Russel smiled easily and leaned against the side of the house. "Didn't think it'd come out so well."

"You doubt me," Noodle said with her tongue sticking out. "But you look more comfortable. And not so old."

Russel snorted. "Thanks."

Noodle stayed standing in front of of him and gestured to his hand, silently asking if it was alright to stay. Russel uncurled his fingers and let Noodle step onto the palm of his hand so that he could lift her up and let her sit on the top of his knee. She curled herself into one of the folds of denim and turned her face up towards the sun, enjoying what was probably the first sunny day they'd had in the past two weeks. Her fingers were clenching and unclenching the fabric of his jeans, and she turned her face towards his before asking, "Was it hard?"

"Was what hard?" he asked back.

"Being alone," Noodle clarified. "That was the worst part for me. I mean I'd been without you all before, but not like this. This felt different. At least beforehand I knew I was going to see you all again. Because it was just a short break, you know?"

Russel did know, and he heard himself take in a shaky breathe. "Yeah. I know exactly what you mean. Being alone was real tough. Nothing can prepare you for that feeling."

Noodle frowned. "How did you manage?"

Russel stayed silent for a few beats, struggling for an answer. "Not really sure I did, to be honest," Russel admitted quietly. "After you were gone...well," he paused. "Things got complicated. It's kinda like you said about it being different this time around. We weren't sure if you were. Well. You know."

Noodle nodded. "You weren't sure what happened. Or if I was coming back."

Russel sighed. "I dunno if you know this, Noodz, but you held everyone together. We all wanted to try because of you. You made things easier. But then when you were gone, it was sort of like, 'well, what's the point?' The glue was gone and we were all finding it real hard to stay together after that."

Noodle's knees were hugged to her chest. "I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault, baby girl," Russel promised. "Not in the least. You know, thinking on it more...it wasn't anyone's fault. Maybe we all could've made better decisions, but no one really planned for any of this to happen."

Noodle nodded glumly. "We don't do well when we're by ourselves," she noted. "Maybe it's because we do so well when we're together the magic kind of falls apart."

"Yeah, maybe," Russel commented. "It kinda felt like that. Like something special was just gone."

"What did you do?" Noodle asked. "Where did you go? What happened?"

Russel looked away from her and chewed on the inside of his cheek, trying to figure the best way to phrase everything. "I didn't do much," he admitted. "Compared to all of your stories, mine is kinda boring. I went back home for a bit. Moved into New York. Kept an apartment there for a couple of years. Moved to Los Angeles and hated it. Moved back to New York. Decided to come back to London. I was trying to make my own music. Look into production. Maybe start playing again, but...I dunno nothing felt right. I always stopped somewhere to leave right after. Like no matter where I laid my roots, the soil didn't feel right."

Noodle moved to lay on her stomach along his thigh. She was resting her chin in her hands. "Were you sad?"

"A little," Russel said. "Mostly lost. I couldn't keep anything down. I was just jumping from little jobs here and there to keep the cash up. I didn't know where I was going or what I wanted. It wasn't like before when I thought I was going crazy. I just felt real empty this time around. Just going through the motions, days blending together. I barely remember most of it. It was like the world could explode and I wouldn't feel anything. Cuz...well, it was like the world already did explode."

Noodle tilted her head. "What do you mean?"

Russel leaned his head into his hand. "Losing Del really screwed me up. I always thought he'd just be there for as long as I needed him. But I needed to let him go, he needed to go where he belonged and I had to move on. But it took a real long time before I felt like myself again. He was the only important person I had for a while. Then you came along. And then you got ripped away too."

Nothing could possibly describe the dead feeling in his chest when he saw that island go down. It was the worst scenario he could imagine, and it was playing in real time right before his eyes. At least with Del, his departure was definitive. Noodle's fate was nothing but snatches of rumors, most of them drunk ramblings from Murdoc, others from sketchy accounts of her being spotted from supposed fans. She could have been dead, maimed, missing, kidnapped, running away, hiding, and a whole other slew of possibilities. She was an unknown. She was literally lost in the world, and no one knew anything. It was very easy for him to become lost altogether as well.

"Is that why you didn't want to talk about it?" Noodle asked gently.

"I didn't want to worry you," Russel told her. "You and Mudz needed to talk more than the two of us did, and I didn't want to add my nonsense on top of it all."

He could barely feel Noodle drawing little patterns into his jeans. "You don't ever have to feel like a burden, you know. You and I are friends. We're supposed to tell each other things."

"I know, you say I have things I need to get off my chest, but I don't really even know what they are," he admitted. "Things feel wrong and awful, but I'm not sure why. I know I missed you. I missed you so much, Noodz, and finding you again made everything feel so much better. But now we're here and it feels awful again." He sort of remember Del telling him a very long time ago that strong emotions left long scars. That even though things on the outside were fine and adjusted, you still had to fix up your head to get used to it all. It made sense applied here. Like his head and his heart weren't completely understanding that they could stop being so down and out now. They could hurry up and be normal again.

Noodle chuckled humorlessly. "If fixing people were that easy, the whole world would be a lot happier than they are."

Russel twisted his mouth. "That's true."

He rubbed a hand along his clean jaw, staring into his lap, unsure of the words he wanted to say, unsure of what he was meant to disclose to please Noodle and not make her think he was shutting her out, but he looked up when he felt her walk forward and place a hand on his elbow. She was rubbing her thumb into his skin and waiting until he looked her in the eyes before she spoke. "You don't have to have all the answers. I know you're so used to taking care of me, but you can come to me, too. Not right away, and not to tell me everything. But I care about you. And I care that you're feeling awful. So if you need to just talk your feelings, even if they don't make sense, I want you to come to me." She grinned brightly, a grin that seemed so reminiscent of ones she used to sport years and years ago. "We're all together again, and that's already half the journey. The rest will figure itself out."

Russel couldn't help but grin back at her. He remembered a time where he always had to make sure he was available at nights in case she woke up from a nightmare, always had to cook her meals, always took her clothes shopping, and always sat with her to hear what she had to say. She always came to him for things, and he was more than happy to give more than he took. But taking felt nice. It didn't fix everything, but it at least made things feel a little normal, like he could finally root himself in relation to someone else — whether it was to chat or to ask for a quick shave. He always thought he'd have Del around for this kind of thing, but Noodle was older and more seasoned now. Knew what it was like to hurt and knew what had to be done to heal. They were equals now, and Noodle seemed willing to bear some of the weight for him.

He reached a finger down and very gently smoothed down Noodle's hair. "Thanks, baby girl. I really don't know what I'd do without you."

"You won't have to know," Noodle stated. "I promise. I don't plan on going anywhere."