Draco-
I knew that Ginny was only with me because she knew that I was going to be in serious trouble if she wasn't. But I respected that she wanted to keep it quiet from the other students, and so I only informed my mother and father of my progress, knowing that it would get back to Him soon enough.
We didn't have a touchy-feeling relationship. My relationship with Astoria was much more what a normal teenage relationship should be. We regularly disappeared from the common room to enjoy ourselves during the evenings, sometimes in the dorms, and sometimes in secluded corridors where no one ever went anymore. It was always exhilarating when we had sex outside of the dorms; the fear of getting caught made everything feel so much more exciting and intense. I didn't tell Ginny about these intimate evening sessions, and I certainly didn't say a word to Astoria about Ginny.
I had yet to kiss Ginny. We'd meet up sometimes, in the evenings when I wasn't with Astoria, and we'd simply talk. It made me feel better to get everything off my chest, and she seemed to like talking to me about her worries as well, although she didn't go into great detail; I suspected that she didn't trust me, which was only to be expected, considering who I served. She told me some things though. She told me about how worried she was about all of her brothers, and how she wasn't used to seeing the hole in her brother's head where Snape had severed his ear. She said about how she was worried about Weasley because he was still stuck at home with Spattergoit and he didn't seem to be improving, and how she worried about her oldest brother because of how his encounter with Greyback had left him. She expressed her distaste for her oldest brother's wife, the French girl, but how she was pleased that Bill seemed to be happy for the moment. She told me all of this, and I saw the unhappiness in her eyes. She was missing her family. I wondered what it was like to have so many siblings. I had asked her once, but she merely said that it was busy, and had said no more.
Astoria, over the past couple of weeks, had taken to telling me she loved me. This unnerved me somewhat- we had barely begun out relationship, and she was trying to get serious already? I guessed that she probably expected me to follow the old Pure Blood tradition of getting engaged early and marrying young. No chance. I was only young, I wanted to be free- not tied down to the same girl from the age of 17 until I died. What an awful life it must be, to keep yourself to one person. I thought about my parents, how they'd been married early, how they'd known each other from early Hogwarts days, and I shuddered. I did not wish to be with the same woman when I was 70 that I'd been with at 17.
I voiced this concern to Ginny one night, as we sat secluded in one of the less used classrooms. She was sitting on the edge of a desk, not at all ladylike- she was sitting with her legs open slightly, resting one elbow on her knee, trailing sparks from her wand with her other hand and looking slightly hunched over. She yawned occasionally, which I ignored. Although I could not deny she was an attractive girl, she was definitely like her older brothers.
"You're very shallow, Malfoy," she said simply, not looking at me.
"How so?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Greengrass, as much as I dislike her, isn't altogether the most unfortunate looking girl in the school. You could do much worse."
"Yes, but I still wouldn't like to be stuck with her forever- and yet I think she's expecting me to propose to her before the end of the school year. What should I do?" I despaired, putting my head in my hands.
"Well, can't she wait? I mean, there is a war going on. It's ridiculous to be so self-absorbed when there's so much happening outside of the castle," she said, sounded heated.
I glanced up at her through my fingers. She had gone slightly red, and her eyebrows were furrowed, a small, puckered mark showing in between them. Astoria really got on her nerves. I couldn't say as I blamed her. Astoria got on my nerves sometimes as well- but she was my girlfriend, and was willing to put out whenever I wanted some, so I put up with her. I wondered idly if Ginny had ever done anything further than kissing, but pushed the idea from my mind- it was not my business to know.
"That's true," I said eventually, and she looked at me, one eyebrow raised in amusement. "What?"
"You're sleeping with her, but you agree that she's self-absorbed?" she asked, a hint of a smirk on her pretty lips.
"Of course I do, I'm not blind. She's one of the most self-absorbed girls in the entire school," I said, leaning back in my chair and looking directly at Ginny.
"Then why are you with her?" she asked, seemingly confused.
"Isn't it obvious?" I asked. When she shook her head, I sighed, and continued speaking. "She's from a perfectly respectable line of pure-bloods, she's got money, breeding. She's not altogether stupid- in fact, she can be quite smart sometimes."
"And she'll sleep with you on demand?" asked Ginny, eyebrow raised again, a look of purest distaste on her face.
"Well, yeah," I said, smirking in a satisfied sort of way.
"You are unbelievable," she muttered, glaring down at the floor and tapping her wand on the table, causing red and gold sparks to shoot from the end of it.
"Oh, come on, Ginny," I said, amused. "A gorgeous, pure-blood girl wants very much to have sex with me. You think I'm going to pass that up?"
"You're disgusting," she said, although she was trying not to grin now.
"I'm simply the same as any other red blooded teenage male," I said, grinning, and now she broke into a reluctant grin as well.
"You're despicable, that's what you are," she said, letting out a little laugh.
"Yeah, well, the ladies don't half love it," I said, smirking and puffing out my chest, pretending that I thought myself to be impressive.
Ginny cracked up laughing at this point, and I was glad she'd cast a charm on the door so that no one could hear us. I grinned at her as she sat laughing on the desk, feeling a strange warmth in my chest- I'd made Ginny laugh. It was a nice sound.
"I like it when you laugh," I said, without thinking.
Ginny stopped laughing abruptly and stared at me instead, looking stunned. I felt a sinking in my chest now- I was always so careful not to say anything that would seem as though I liked her as anything more than an acquaintance, despite my feelings trying hard to tell me otherwise.
"What?" she asked.
"What?" I repeated, acting confused, trying to pretend I hadn't said anything.
"Why do you like it when I laugh?" she asked, her face a blank mask.
"I… I never said that," I said haughtily, jumping to my feet and beginning to pace the room in an agitated manner.
"Yeah, you did," she said, and she stood up as well, placing herself in front of me so that I stopped short.
We stood still facing each other in the darkening classroom. Curfew was not in affect yet- we still had half an hour to get back to our common rooms. I wanted to say this, to tell her that we should leave now, and hopefully she would forget the whole awkward situation, where I had revealed a tiny part of my feelings for her. I couldn't say anything however. Even in the dark, I could see her eyes were blazing in her pale face, and I stared into them, lost for words, lost for thought…
"Ginny…" I breathed, managing to stumble over her name as I spoke, my voice catching in my throat.
"Draco?" she murmured, equally quiet, although her voice was as clear as a bell- if she was nervous, she wasn't showing it.
"Curfew…" I whispered, although I had no intentions of leaving now.
I closed my eyes, leaning closer towards her, inhaling her incredibly soft and yet sweet smell- was it natural, or did she use perfume? I didn't think on it, instead moving so that my arms were around her waist. Instantly, I felt her freeze, and my eyes snapped open.
She was staring at me with shock in her brilliant brown eyes, shock and something else- confusion? She glanced quickly at where I had placed my hands, and I instantly let go, as though she'd burned me. As soon as I had let go of her, she stepped back a couple of steps, regarding me warily. Neither of us spoke for a few moments, and I felt myself getting hot under the collar- why wasn't she speaking?
Finally, she managed to find her voice.
"It's almost curfew," she said, quietly but in a voice that was cold and harsh.
"Of course," I said, standing up straight suddenly, locking away any confusion or worry I had previously felt, my tone of voice matching hers.
"I'm going to leave now, get back in plenty of time," she said, still sounding cold- but she seemed unsure of herself somehow.
"Fine," I said, and I turned away from her, looking instead out of the window, which was overlooking the Forbidden Forest.
"I-"
I turned slightly, looking at her over my shoulder, a cold look in place on my face. I watched as she blanched, and turned away from me, her hair swinging over her shoulder and obscuring her face from me, like a curtain.
"I'll see you around," she said, moving towards the door. She already had her hand on the door knob when I spoke again, in spite of myself.
"Ginny, wait-" I said, turned to face her and reaching out a hand towards her, as though hoping she'd return to my somewhat unexpected embrace.
She turned to face me, and I didn't miss the strange look of mixed confusion and hope of her face before she was able to compose it into the blank mask she so often wore around me.
"Yeah?" she asked, still in the cold tone of voice.
I took an uncertain step towards her, waiting for her reaction. She remained where she stood, looking impassively at me. Although this was slightly daunting, she hadn't stepped away, and I took this as an encouraging sign. I slowly walked forwards until I was directly in front of her, as close to her as I felt comfortable getting. She was looking up at me, her face betraying nothing, holding herself loosely, as though this was a situation in which she felt nothing but complete apathy.
I reached out and took her wrists, placing them so that her arms were around my neck. I felt her try and pull away, but I kept them there, never letting my gaze leave her face, which still betrayed nothing. When I felt sure she wouldn't move her arms, I let go of her wrists, and placed my hands on her waist, hesitating for only a second before pulling her closer to me. I could feel her trying to resist, but I was stronger. She was still looking up at me, and so before she had a chance to turn her head away, I took my opportunity, pressing my lips against hers.
She tried to pull away, keeping her mouth hard and unyielding, but I moved my hands so that I was holding her face to mine. Slowly, I opened my mouth, inhaling her wonderful smell- how could a blood traitor smell so incredible?- and letting my tongue slowly trace her bottom lip. She froze momentarily, and then, to my great surprise, her mouth became soft, and she was kissing me back. She opened her own wonderful, full lips, granting me access, and as our tongues met I felt fireworks explode in my lower stomach.
My hands were suddenly in her hair, pulling tentatively. Ginny gasped, and whether involuntarily or not, bit my lower lip, making me moan and pull her hair harder. We were entwined in our own fiery blaze, which had emerged from nowhere, but which felt more incredibly than any of the things I'd done with Astoria, or any other girl. This was how it was supposed to be. This was- this was wrong.
I stopped as suddenly as I'd started, pulling away from her and opening my eyes as I gazed into her face in horror. She looked back at me, confusion on her face, her eyes still blazing with excitement, although the excitement of the moment was fading quickly now, almost extinguished.
"It's… almost curfew," I said, pulling away from her embrace entirely.
Without a backwards glance I swept from the room, leaving Ginny behind me. A filthy little blood traitor, that was all she was, all she ever would be. Astoria, she was what was pure, what was good and real and with her was how it should be. Ginny was a mission, nothing more. Astoria was, after all, my girlfriend- I had to accept this fact now.
I stumbled blindly along the corridors, confused thoughts clouding my mind, still able to taste Ginny on my lips, smell her on my clothes. Before I could gather my thoughts, I was back at the Slytherin common room. I all but fell through the hidden door, startling a group of third years who were standing close by it, whispering in a small huddle about some prank or other they were planning on some Gryffindor students.
I dodged past them, trying to get to my dormitory. My path however, which had been clear moments before, was suddenly blocked by Astoria and her usual giggling girl group, although now they all looked mutinous. I blinked at them, trying to get my eyes to focus.
"Draco," said Astoria icily.
"Astoria!" I said, blinking as she came into sharp focus quite suddenly.
"Where have you been?" she demanded.
"Nowhere, Astoria- oh God," I exclaimed shortly, before gathering my girlfriend in my arms and kissing her hard on the mouth.
She welcomed this without any question, there was no confusion clouding this kiss- but no fireworks, no feeling on complete righteousness. I pulled away, and found myself looking into Astoria's smug face. Her friends were no longer glaring at me mutinously, but simpering in a sickening fashion- "Oh, isn't that sweet?" "They're so good together!" "Astoria is so lucky!". Astoria herself smiled at me, looking me dead in the eyes. I knew what she was going to say.
"I love you, Draco," she whispered, gazing at me with a truly pathetic look of adoration on her face.
"I love you too, Astoria," I said, my voice hoarse.
Astoria's face lit up with delight, she released me immediately and, giving me one quick kiss on the cheek, went into a huddle with her friends in a corner to discuss what I'd just said.
Choking down my shame at the evening's events, I proceeded up to my dormitory, hoping against hope that Blaise, Crabbe and Goyle would leave me alone, at least for the moment. As I entered my empty dorm, it seemed my wish was to be granted. I collapsed onto my bed, not bothering to undress.
What had I done?
Ginny-
I stood alone in the half-abandoned classroom, the feeling of Draco's kiss still on my lips. I felt… I didn't know. Confused, hurt, afraid- but also, underneath this, was happiness, and excitement. Butterflies the size of garden gnomes still rampaged inside my stomach, making me feel queasy with the strange sense of bliss and pain I felt. Was it possible to feel so many conflicting emotions at the same time?
Eventually, I realised where I was- and curfew was almost in effect. Having no desire to be caught out of my dorm past the allotted time and tortured, I sprinted from the room, leaving behind the feelings of happiness and excitement so that only confusion and pain remained. I hurtled down the deserted corridors, headed straight for the portrait of the fat lady, who was sleeping against the frame of her painting.
"Korseret," I gasped as I reached her, and when she did not reply I gave the painting a sharp tap, startling her awake with a cry.
"Korseret!" I repeated agitatedly.
"Yes, alright, alright," she snapped furiously, opening so that I could enter the common room. "You're leaving it a bit late, girl!" she called after me. I ignored her.
Hardly anyone remained in the common room. Despite it not being that late generally, as it was only just past 9pm, everyone decided to go to bed earlier these days, rather than waste their time on meaningless homework when there was a war raging outside of the castle walls- and sometimes inside them as well.
Neville was sleeping beside the fire in an armchair, Trevor resting placidly on his lap, croaking quietly from time to time. A book on water plants lay at his feet, one I recognised as having been avidly read by him before. I left him sleeping quietly, not wanting to wake him and have to make up some excuse for where I'd been all evening.
The other girls in my dormitory were still awake, of course. They did not, however, ply me with questions- apparently, the look on my face must have discouraged them, for they remained talking quietly by the large window, gazing out across the grounds, whilst I pulled on my pyjamas and climbed into bed.
I lay there quietly, ignoring the whispered conversation of my peers, allowing the evening's events to play over and over in my head, assessing them from every possible angle, until only one remained which seemed even remotely plausible.
I remembered the shock when he had first wrapped his arms around me, how I had stiffen automatically- no, this was wrong. He was Draco Malfoy, a hard hearted Slytherin, a Death Eater, not some nice, mild mannered Gryffindor boy with a liking for Quidditch and Exploding Snap. Draco Malfoy was a bad boy, and not the kind I found attractive- he was dangerous. Getting involved with him was sheer idiocy. So I had tried to remove myself from the situation- only when he had called me back, my heart had skipped a beat, my stomach had flipped, and I had spun around to face him, trying to hide the sudden hope I felt from showing in my facial expressions. He took a step towards me, and I fought against the urge to step away- this was what I wanted, wasn't it?
He continued to walk towards me, putting my arms around his neck. I tried to pull away, almost losing my nerve, but he held onto me, keeping me there. I remembered the intense and numerous feelings which had chorused through my body when he'd suddenly pressed his lips to mine, and it took me a moment before I was able to remember what to do in return. As he slowly and tentatively ran his tongue along my lower lip, I began to kiss him in response, forgetting that it was Draco Malfoy, the dangerous Death Eater, and focusing on Draco Malfoy, the scared boy who was caught up in this war, same as everyone.
He had pulled my hair, sending a surprisingly pleasant shock through my body, and I involuntarily bit his lip. The sound of him moaning in response was like music- I was making him feel these things, make these incredibly hot noises, he wanted me and I wanted him, this was pure bliss-
He had broken the kiss and stared at me in what I could only explain as shocked horror. He seemed to be calculating something in his head, but before I could do anything more than glance at him questioningly, he had muttered something about the curfew and fled the room, leaving me standing alone.
My conclusion was thus- he was ashamed. I understood why he was "going out" with me. This was something he had to do to ensure he stayed alive. I knew he was reporting back to You Know Who. But, even though I was the "mission", so to speak, he was ashamed to do as his master had told him. I knew why- I was a blood traitor in his eyes. I was unworthy of the Precious Malfoy Heir. Hadn't he said, the only reason he was with that despicable slut Greengrass was because she was from a highly respectable pure blood family? Where was I from? The biggest family of blood traitors in Wizarding history- and proud of it. But this still didn't explain the hurt I felt when I thought about his disgust at kissing me, his horror and confusion. I had been hurt by it, hurt in a way I was unfamiliar with.
Eventually, I heard the other girls going to bed. Although they continued their conversation for a while longer, they gradually fell asleep, the soft sounds of deep, slow breathing all that filled the now silent dormitory. I remained awake for a long while, thinking over and over the same pieces of information, making sense out of things I had already made sense of numerous times before on that very same evening.
I wondered if Draco was going over earlier in the evening, same as I was? I recalled when I'd been under his Imperius Curse, how I'd seen snatches of his dreams- the dark corridors in the lonely manor house- and wondered if he was asleep and perhaps dreaming of me. Or did he go back to his common room and fuck the pure blood slut, to make himself feel pure and decent again after kissing the blood traitor? This seemed the more likely of the two thoughts, but I found it painful to dwell on it.
Down in the grounds, I heard an owl hoot dolefully, and I thought, quite suddenly, of Hedwig. The poor bird, so loyal and beautiful, who had been killed during the flight from Privet Drive as they attempted to move Harry.
Oh, Harry. A sharp pain tore through my chest. What I was doing with Draco… If Harry knew… He would be devastated. I knew his feelings for me- at least, I hoped they had remained the same since I had last seen him, all those month ago. Was that unbearably selfish of me? Whilst I was cavorting around with his school enemy to wish that he still loved me? Perhaps it was. And yet, I still wanted him to love me. I still loved him, didn't I?
Slowly, realisation dawned on me. Although I still loved him, it wasn't the same love. I didn't have butterflies in my stomach when I thought of him. I remembered our last kiss, and couldn't help comparing it to the kiss I'd shared with Draco earlier in the evening. They were different. I'd felt more alive when I had kissed Draco. A wave of guilt crashed over me. If Harry still loved me, then what I was doing was as bad as cheating on him.
But it couldn't be cheating on him, not really. I wasn't going out with him. I was single- technically. I could do whatever I wanted. But I'd kissed him before he went so that he would remember to stay faithful to me- and then I had gone and done the worst thing, I had gone and kissed Draco Malfoy, Harry's number one Hogwarts enemy. So maybe this was a betrayal.
I screwed up my eyes tight, willing myself not to cry. It was difficult though. A single tear fell from my closed eyes, and suddenly I was sobbing quietly into my pillow, trying desperately not to wake the others. Everything was a mess. I felt unbelievably guilty, and not just for what had transpired between Draco and myself. I felt that I was being as self-absorbed as Astoria Greengrass. Whilst Harry was out there risking his life to protect all of the Wizarding population, not to mention the Muggles as well, I was lying in my bed, crying because I had feelings for both Harry and Draco. This sudden realisation bought me to an abrupt silence.
I had feelings for Draco.
A/N: I am so sorry it's been so long since I last posted! I've been incredibly busy with college work and general work, but that is no excuse to leave you all for 2 whole months without a single thing to read. I hope this makes up for it a little bit.
Love, Beccari x