a/n: I can't believe I'm doing this... I was taking a break from another story and decided to dust this off. Vaati cynicism is about as refreshing as a Wake-Up Mushroom.
"V is for Vaati"
Chapter 4: T is for Two
HYRULE CASTLE: Back Hallway
"Oh my goodness, is that a man on the floor?" a woman exclaimed. A rustle of skirts and clacking of heels came closer.
"Oh my gosh, Paige, I think it is!"
"Wow, he's gorgeous!"
Giggling filled the air.
"Is he drunk?"
"It's too early for that, Maggie!"
The man's eyes fluttered open.
"He's waking up! Hey, are you okay?"
Vaati looked up to see two cute, curious women glancing down at him. Both were wearing red bows in their hair and simple green gowns.
Well hello, maidens, he thought. A smile curled his lips.
"I wasn't certain," he replied, feigning a struggle into a languid sitting position, "until two beauties came along and rescued me." He winked at them through his bangs.
They blushed and tittered. Reaching his hands for theirs, he allowed himself to be pulled to his feet before dusting off his red tunic. Then he slung his arms around their shoulders.
"So, where's this party I keep hearing about?" he asked, wiggling his eyebrows. The women's laughter echoed down the hall.
HYRULE CASTLE: The Gardens
Late afternoon sunshine warmed his cheeks and his jaw into a yawn. He stretched happily...
...until he opened his eyes.
Vaati jolted into a sitting position, accidentally crushing the flowers beneath him. He gasped, tumbling from the flower bed and turning desperately to fix the broken blooms. He halted when he saw his hands.
Three, four... five? Five fingers? he thought, staring in disbelief at the extra appendages. Tall, unfamiliar hedges surrounded him, and the ground beneath him was covered in smooth stones.
Wait. Why were the flowers so tiny? Where were the clover trees?
A clanking sound filled the air. He glanced up to see a shiny man with a pointy stick. Vaati's eyes widened.
A Hylian! But why were they the same size?
"Who's there?" the shiny man said, his brow furrowed in confusion.
When the loud man began walking towards him, Vaati panicked and threw himself under a bush. He was yanking his green tunic over his face to hide when he felt it.
My nose! he internally wailed. My nose is gone!
HYRULE CASTLE: The Dungeons
"H-Hey you!" the guard cried. "What are you doing down here?"
He and his companion brandished their spears at the blue-clad figure striding across the cold, dungeon floor.
Vaati lifted his hand and magically cast them into a cell. They picked themselves up from the floor as the metal door slammed shut with a clash.
"Hey! What do you think you're doing?!"
"Yeah, let us out!"
"Hush," Vaati sneered. "You'll ruin the mood." He listened carefully for a second and a grin twisted his face.
"Hear that?" he told them. "It's the sound of ignorance."
His red eyes glowed menacingly, and they cowered in the corner. Satisfied, Vaati turned with the swish of his blue tunic and headed towards the exit.
Regaining their courage, the guards grabbed the bars and yelled at him.
"You'll never get away with this!"
"Yeah, Princess Zelda will kick your tail!"
"By the way, your hair looks like a fairy threw up on it!"
"Your mom called - she wants her dress back!"
"I said shut up!" Vaati screamed. He waited a few moments in the tense silence before disappearing up the stairs.
The two guards glanced at each other. Then they chuckled.
"His mom?"
"Fairy hair? What was that?"
Reaching into his pocket, one of them pulled out a set of keys. "Let's go," he said. "I think our captain will want to hear about this."
HYRULE CASTLE: Unknown
Purple Vaati, the original Vaati, came to consciousness tied to a chair.
In a bedroom.
A very pink and frilly bedroom.
Disoriented, he tried to figure out what in Hyrule was going on.
Blasted Picolyte, he soon recalled, an ache in his head surfacing. He should have heeded Master Ezlo's Rule Number Nine: Never consume magical beverages before performing spells.
Vaati glanced around and noted the Triforce decorations and ornate furniture. Even though the spell had gone wrong, he couldn't have left the palace. That means... His eyes lit up. This must be the Princess's bedroom. If the Blue Picolyte had done its job, then it had sent him here because the Light Force must be somewhere nearby!
A door creaked open behind him. Vaati quickly leaned back into the most attractive, arrogant pose he could muster while strapped to a piece of furniture. After a few moments of unexpected silence, someone tapped his elbow.
Vaati smoothly flipped his hair and turned to come face-to-face with a child with large, serious eyes.
He recoiled. Children were nasty, grubby-fingered cretins. How many unsuspecting Minish had this little monster squeezed? And what the heck was it doing in the glorious Princess Zelda's room? This was supposed to be the seduction of the century and the brat was ruining it!
Vaati eyed it and observed that it dressed suspiciously like a member of the royal family. Perhaps the Princess had a younger sister?
"Hello... little girl," he said, pasting a smile on his face just in case. "Would you mind untying me from this chair?"
He patiently waited, but the girl simply stared back.
Ah. He had forgotten that kids were also stupid.
"Take your time," he muttered. "No need for concern. I'm only losing circulation."
The little girl slowly sat down, leaned forward, and propped her tiny chin on her hand.
Vaati twitched. He had no intention whatsoever of revealing any weakness to this creature.
"Let's try this again," he bit out. "Where is your older sister?"
At her look of confusion, he added, "Tall. Prettier than you. Family?"
She lifted an eyebrow. Vaati's patience shriveled. Growling, Vaati leaned forward against his bonds and got in her face. "Where is Princess Zelda?!"
The girl nonchalantly reached up and tapped her gold circlet.
Vaati felt his jaw drop.
"You're the princess?" he exclaimed. She smirked.
Vaati eyed her in shock. Well, scratch that from the possibilities. He couldn't marry a Hylian brat! She probably couldn't even wipe her nose without help!
The two of them sized each other up. She had moxie, he'd give her that. However, it wouldn't take him long to escape his bonds, and by then she'd be a sitting stump. Here was Princess Zelda, heir to Hyrule's throne, literally sitting at his feet. She might as well be holding a sign that says, "Kidnap me." Really, these Hylians were too much.
Hm. Now that he'd had a second look, the kid didn't look too bad with that long blonde hair, pretty face, and dress that was pink, pink, pink...
He grinned. "Oh, I could wait a few years for you."
Then, "Owch!" he shrieked at the painful kick that collided with his shin. Suddenly there were TWO little demons in front of him. The newcomer was a boy with bright yellow hair and glaring eyes. Vaati instantly recognized the clothing article on his head.
"That's my cap! Give it back, kid!"
"His name's not "kid," it's Link," Princess Zelda said, standing and crossing her arms.
"Ah, so the runt speaks," Vaati scoffed. He eyed the magic cap on the boy's head and fumed. These kids had no idea how powerful that thing was! "What do you want? I have a party to get back to." And a Light Force to find, a kingdom to conquer, you to kidnap...
Rapid knocks rang out against the door.
Vaati grinned triumphantly at their startled expressions until the two suddenly leapt at him and gagged him. The former Minish screamed obscenities into the pink doily as they ran to open the door. When he got his claws on that cap again, he was going to turn into a giant eyeball or something and terrify the chu jelly out of them!
"Princess Zelda and Link," a male voice cried, "there's been a situation! His Majesty... Oh no, is that the new babysitter?"
Vaati bristled.
"Really, Princess Zelda, what would your father think?" the man scolded.
"He'd think I was brilliant," she announced proudly. "This is no babysitter, sir. We've caught a suspicious person!"
"Uh huh," the man said, coming around to have a look. A soldier. Vaati was satisfied to see his face alight with surprise. Hah! This would teach those brats. Everyone at the castle recognized the undefeated sword champion!
"Now now, Your Highness," the soldier told the princess. "Just because someone looks hateful and conniving doesn't make them a suspicious person."
"But -"
Another presence abruptly entered the room. "Ah, there's that hateful and conniving jerk!" rang a deep voice. "Good work, kids."
The soldier protested, "Actually, Sir Swiftblade, this is the babysitter."
"Oh really now?" A blonde warrior in green garb stepped into sight and scowled down at Vaati. "Then how come he looks exactly like the guy who just terrorized the King's Banquet?"
Vaati's mind blanked.
His clone had done what?