A/N: Here we are with another update. I'm so thankful to all the wonderful people who have alerted, favorited, and reviewed this little work of mine. This fandom is so huge that finding even one person who enjoys my writing is fantastic.

I really wasn't going to post another chapter so soon but my little one has a 102° fever and I'm staring down the barrel of my second three-hour night's sleep in a row, so quite frankly, I could use the pick-me-up of reading your wonderful reactions to my story. This is a 12-chapter story of which 9 chapters have been drafted and beta'd, so I still have wiggle room to get on a regular posting schedule.

As always emlovesyouu is entirely responsible for the legibility of this chapter. I claim no ownership of the show, characters, plots, settings, or dialog, though I do borrow them from time to time. The same applies to the lyrics of the magnificent Billy Joel song 'And So It Goes' that I quote at the beginning of each chapter.

Enjoy!

Chapter 3

And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen

29 September 2014

Emma returned to the station with several perforated target sheets but no answers. David's behavior had perturbed her more than she'd expected. Rather than silence the growing whispers in the back of her mind like she'd hoped, shooting with David had only increased their volume. Tossing the target sheets on her desk, she looked around the office area. With her father off helping her mother with her brother – she still had to shake herself to realize that really was her new normal.

She decided to take the cruiser out on a patrol of the town to search for the snow monster that was still somewhere in Storybrooke. The streets were blessedly clear of snow beasts as well as running citizens, and before long, Emma found the cruiser leading her to Mifflin Street. When she saw where she was going, Emma cursed her subconsciousness's seeming determination to drag her down.

She drove up to the Mayor's mansion carefully, swiveling her head between searching for any clue that Regina was home and looking for Frosty's bigger, badder cousin. Pulling up to the curb and going as far as to shut the cruiser off, Emma looked at the imposing building. She'd long since gotten used to its commanding columned façade, balcony, and exquisitely manicured grounds. From her brief trip to the Enchanted Forest's past, she could see how Regina deliberately designed the mansion to reflect some of the Enchanted Forest's more regal residences.

Speak of the woman and she appears.

Emma brushed aside the wry thought at the sight of Regina herself in the living room window. Feeling brave, she offered a half-wave and reached for her seatbelt buckle. Before she could hit the release to approach the door, the curtains swirled shut. Emma's heart sank, but after coming this far, she figured she might as well give it a try anyway. Before she could form another thought, purple smoke appeared inside her cruiser, dancing around the corners of her eyes.

Regina's magic, she grumbled to herself. As soon as she realized the magic's source, her seat belt buckle refused to release. "What the fuck?"

Reaching for the door handle, she just caught purple smoke as it vanished. "Son of a bitch!" she cursed again as the door refused to budge. Regina had immobilized her in her own cruiser. The notion to reach for a gigantic hunting knife she kept in the glove box flitted in and out of her mind, but before she could translate impulse into action, more sparkly smoke swirled around her engine, which somehow – could magic even affect an internal combustion engine? – sputtered to life. Emma held her hands up in a comical gesture resembling surrender as the magic controlling her cruiser shifted the car into gear and started actually driving her away from Regina's house.

Expecting the magic to dissipate and leave her in control of the car, Emma sat back with a slack jaw as the cruiser expertly followed all traffic laws, stopping at every stop sign and streetlight, as it steered her back to the station. As frustrated as she was with the missed opportunity to begin repairing her friendship with Regina, Emma had to tip her cap for the creative way Regina got her to leave.

Then David radioed in that they'd found the Snow Monster in the woods and all hell broke loose.

29 September 2014

"Is it true? Is it true?" Henry asked as he bounced into the apartment's living room.

Unprepared for the explosion of excitement and with nerves still running high from the fight in the woods, Emma started up from her position on the couch. "Holy crap, kid!" she exclaimed, putting her hand on her chest in an attempt to calm her racing heart and catch her breath, "You scared the hell out of me!"

Henry looked a little guilty. "Sorry, ma. I just heard the news from Gramps. Did Mom really destroy the snow monster?"

Emma chuckled. "Yeah, she really did. The beast was about to step on Marian, but out of nowhere it just burst into pieces. When the smoke cleared, your mom was behind it. She roasted Frosty."

"Cool!" Henry grinned, but after a moment his face clouded. "How did she look?"

Furrowing her brow, she regarded her son. "I don't understand. What do you mean, 'how did she look?'?"

"Like, was she happy? Sad? Angry? How was she?" He pressed.

Pursing her lips, Emma tried to remember Regina's face after the magical ice and snow dissipated. "I dunno, kid. It's hard to say. She didn't exactly have an expression on her face, but if I had to put a name to it, I'd say she looked defeated more than anything else."

"Defeated? She kablooie-d a snow monster and she was sad?" Henry's eyes were bulging out, like he couldn't believe his ears.

In his defense, Emma was having a hard time with it as well. She watched as his expression went from confused to clear, as if he had a realization. "What is it?"

"Oh, nothing," Henry shrugged, obviously hoping she'd drop her questioning.

She folded her arms, fixing him in place with her tried and true 'perp glare'. "Nice try, kid. You're talking to the mistress of bullsh…baloney here," she said, covering her near-curse. Cursing in front of their son wouldn't help her get back in Regina's good graces. "Spill."

"I want to, I really do, but I've known my mom for a long time, even when I thought I didn't know who she really was," he argued, "I think I can help, I've got an operation planned out, but I need to talk to her about it myself, you know? "

His eyes were clear and serious, and her sometimes-wonky lie detecting superpower told her that he wasn't trying to deceive her. Emma sighed, running her hands through her hair. She wasn't wild about Henry not sharing his thoughts about how to get Regina to open up. The simple fact that he was refusing to share the details of one of his operations sent tendrils of worry snaking down her spine.

He doesn't need your help. He doesn't need you. He wants to go with the woman who raised him, not the woman who gave him up. The woman who gave up on him. For the briefest minute she started to panic. Her stomach lurched, but she wrestled free of the doubts. "Okay, Henry. I trust you. See if you can reach her. God knows that if anyone can, it's you. Just…tell me if something goes wrong, yeah?"

Henry wrapped his arms around her after rewarding her with an ear-to-ear grin. "Thanks, ma. I promise I'll tell you if something doesn't sound right."

Emma focused her attention on planning what to eat for supper, banishing the misgivings still tracing around the hidden corners of her mind,. "Henry? Were you in the mood for anything in particular tonight?"

His grin intensified, if that was even possible. "Can we have mom's lasagna? I've been learning the recipe from her."

The doubts and whispers returned in full force. "S-sure we can," she answered, hoping her voice didn't actually sound as weak as it did in her head.

5 October 2014

A massive shiver rocked through Emma despite the presence of every blanket that could be found in the loft, hot cocoa, and a space heater. No matter how much she tried, it didn't feel like she could shake the cold from her bones. Snow, David, Hook, Elsa, and Henry crowded around her, trying to offer any help they could imagine she needed, a thought which should have warmed her more than the mountain of blankets and heater, but in reality was making it hard to breathe.

Emma had always worked to keep her past private. One of the first, and most impactful, lessons she'd learned in foster care was to hide who she truly was. If they didn't know anything about her, they couldn't use it against her. Bouncing around from one house to the local group home, running away, and then repeating the cycle all over again in a different area only reinforced that lesson. The lifers were the worst; compensating for a lack of affection by bullying and taking whatever they could from the younger and less powerful was commonplace. Consequently Emma had learned from a very early age not to tell anyone anything about herself, especially her fears. Once the bullies knew that, they could exploit them relentlessly.

Emma Swan, Storybrooke's savior and the daughter of Snow White and Prince Charming, was claustrophobic.

When she was nine years old, an older boy had locked her in a small crawl space under the basement stairs of her latest group home in Wisconsin. Four hours she'd spent in the dark, feeling spiders crawling over her feet a couple times and hearing the incessant pounding of feet up and down the stairs right above her head. He'd sat beside the door, telling anyone and everyone who'd come down to the basement rec room that he was 'punishing a misbehaver'. When she heard the boy leave his post, she tried to open the door, only to find that he'd locked it. Another half-hour of pounding, kicking, and screaming and someone finally came down and let her out. Her eyes blinked at the sudden light, and she twitched uncontrollably, still feeling the whisper-light brush of legs on her feet and webs in her hair. She was left to silently sob to herself all night, instilling and reinforcing yet another lifelong lesson: Emma Swan could only count on herself.

She kept her fear under control, mostly, by not allowing the thoughts of enclosed spaces to prey on her mind, but there were times when that struggle became too much. The fears of suffocating, being trapped and unable to escape, of being crushed to death, would overwhelm her mental defenses and leave her a hyperventilating mess. The few times she'd been in an enclosed space in Storybrooke – when Gold had double-crossed her and Regina in their efforts to recover the true love potion that released magic into the world, on the Jolly Roger on the way to Neverland, and any time she had to visit Regina's crypt, she focused on the task at hand and not where she actually was. Denial was often an effective coping mechanism, even if it wasn't the healthiest way to go about overcoming a phobia.

As her family continued to press around her, she felt increasingly trapped. Her heart started pounding and her eyes jerked from one side to the other, looking for a way out. Only Henry saw it. Only Henry realized how they were suffocating her instead of helping. He took a huge step back and shouted over the din. "Hey! Everyone step back!"

When the crowd around her silenced, she gave her son a grateful smile, which he returned. Mostly.

"You're crowding her too much. She was freaking out," he went on in a calmer voice.

Somehow his words got through the overbearing concern, and silence took over. Emma felt her heart rate calming. "Sorry, everyone," she murmured, looking around at the group and giving Elsa an apologetic shrug, "after the ice cave, it's just a little much, you know?"

"Oh, Emma," her mo – Snow sympathized as she shifted Neal to one hip and moved closer once more. Reaching out, she brushed a blonde lock out of Emma's eyes as she attempted to offer comfort, "We just want to make sure you're okay. Every time we have a crisis and the world almost ends and you end up saving the day, it's just…I never got the chance to take care of you when you were a little girl, bandage your scrapes or kiss your boo-boos. I have that chance again with Neal here, but I still want to take care of you when I can. It's part of being a mom."

She doesn't need you. She has the baby she always wanted now. You're more of a savior than a daughter.

"I didn't save the day today at all, MM. I was unconscious for most of it. David and Hook were outside trying to help me out of there, but the real hero today was Elsa for getting a handle on her magical powers and blowing a hole in the ice," Emma tried not to shake her mother off too obviously, shifting her shoulder to create some space and forcing herself to smile. She stood up, dropping the blankets back on the couch, feeling her walls grow thicker and stronger, the way they did whenever she hid her true self from people. "It's okay, guys. I'm good, promise. The blankets, cocoa, and heater really did the trick."

David looked at her before regarding the rest of the assembled group. "Let's give Emma some space for a few minutes and get some food ready. Snow, Henry, Hook, Elsa? Want to help me out here?"

Snow and Henry moved over into the kitchen. Henry took up a spot at the island, offering to kibbitz on dinner from his vast expertise on gourmet cooking learned from watching Regina. Hook didn't immediately join them, instead sliding closer to her on the couch. Emma felt her hackles rise with his increased proximity. "Once we have a bit of privacy, luv, I'll make sure you're nice and warm," he rumbled with what he probably thought was a flirtatious wink.

Emma knew she should be comforted. They'd never applied labels to each other, but she knew Hook probably thought of her as his girlfriend, so he was acting as a boyfriend should. It wasn't his fault that she wanted to pull away from his arm.

Still, she gritted her teeth as much as their chattering allowed and waited for him to join the group in the kitchen area. Sure enough, the increasing aromas of food pulled him away before long, leaving her relaxing into her solitude. After a few moments of blissful silence in the familiar refuge, tendrils of discomfort crept into her consciousness. Whereas Emma had always been most at home in a quiet, solitary existence, her recently reawakened insecurities were filling the previous gap in her head, whispering in her mind's ear.

Not enough. Not enough. You'll never be enough.

Dinner couldn't come too soon..

The meal was a quiet affair, with everyone seemingly on edge. Hook kept sneaking looks at her that he only thought no one else could see. Henry was quieter than normal. She tried to draw him out of his thoughts, but he kept his attention focused on his plate. The wheels in his head were almost visibly turning as he considered whatever idea was foremost in his mind. Her parents tried to fill the gap by talking about Neal, engaging Elsa in an attempt to show her that there were no hard feelings from the ice cave incident, but it had a chilling effect on Emma herself. Seeing her mother again after a year was enough of a jolt to her system, but having her mother pregnant was a shock she couldn't have begun to prepare for. Naming the baby after her dead ex-boyfriend and having her brother be a constant reminder of her months in prison was an ongoing burden she was still learning how to bear.

Much later, when Hook had gone back to Granny's and her parents were asleep, Emma lingered on the couch, wrapped in blankets and clutching another mug of cocoa. The warmth was gradually returning to her bones, but she still couldn't seem to get comfortable. The strange tension at dinner was still niggling at her. She wasn't used to being so uncomfortable around Hook, but with as prickly as her insecurities were growing, something about his presence was putting her more on edge around him.

Just then she heard Henry's not-quite-soft-enough approach. Emma smothered her grin with her mug. Teenage boy that he was, her son wasn't exactly graceful on his feet yet. If his teenage years were anything like hers, he was in for some awkward times. Her smile faded as soon as she remembered what the rest of her teenage years were like: sleeping in her car, shoplifting, and a wrongful prison term. No matter what, Regina would make sure his adolescence was better than hers. For the way she raised him, no matter how much Gold influenced the whole process, Emma would forever be grateful to Regina.

Henry sat down on the other end of the couch from her, near enough to share the same space but far enough away to avoid crowding her. "Hey kid. What's up? Want to play some Mario Kart?" she rasped, voice harsh from a lack of use. She shook off a brief pang of self-loathing at how overly eager she was to spend time with her own son.

"Sorry, ma, not tonight. I just had an idea I wanted to run by you," he said, slowly. Cautiously. Like he was feeling her out for a reaction he wouldn't like.

Emma shifted in her seat, discomfort growing. "I kinda figured you were running something through your head. You weren't really here at dinner tonight," she teased, trying to lighten the atmosphere.

It didn't work very well. Henry gave her a smile, but it was a weak effort. "Yeah, well, here's the thing: I'm worried about Mom."

"Regina? Why?" Emma asked as she set her cocoa down on the end table next to the couch.

Henry took a deep breath before looking her in the eyes. "Because I know how sad she is. I know she could have let the snow monster kill Marian, then blasted it, and had her happy ending with Robin, but she didn't. She saved Marian's life at the cost of her own happiness, because that's what Robin said he wanted. So, now she's all alone in the mansion, without her soul mate. I'm worried about how being alone is affecting her."

She nodded, acknowledging his points. "Okay, so what do you want to do about it?" A cold ball of dread settled low in her stomach as she waited for his idea.

He focused on the coffee table, unwilling to even look her in the eye. When Henry answered, all his words ran together like he wanted to get it all out before she could even react. "IwasthinkingIshouldmovebackintothemansionwithher," he said, taking a big breath at the end.

The request didn't even surprise her. Not as much as it probably should have, anyway. That's just how he was. Henry had inherited something of her savior personality that made him want to help people who needed it, and when it was his adoptive mother he saw in need, he was too good of a kid not to answer that call. It made sense, too, despite the sting of him wanting to leave. Regina would need their son around to bolster her spirits after Robin left much more than Emma would. Being on her own was nothing new to her; she could handle herself perfectly well.

Not enough. You'll never be enough. Everyone leaves eventually.

"Sure thing, kid," Emma answered, somber expression turning into a wry smile at his reaction. His heart was in the right place. Regina was hurting right now, and if letting Henry go live with her for a while could help, she owed the other woman after the Marian fiasco.

Henry looked up so fast his neck actually cracked. "Really?" he asked. "Are you serious?"

Emma hoped her smile wasn't as wan as it felt. "Yeah, I do. You're right, she shouldn't be alone right now, especially after all she's done for us. I think it's a good idea. Very noble of you."

"You're the best, ma!" He grinned, wrapping her in a bear hug.

She couldn't suppress the chuckle that escaped "At least this way, it'll be easier to move out of here with just my stuff."

Sitting back, Henry regarded her with wide eyes. "We're moving out?"

She nodded again. "It's too crowded in here for five people, especially with the baby," Emma was only partially successful stifling the cough when she spoke of her brother, and noticed how Henry's eyebrows quirked up when she chose not to use his name, "and it's probably not healthy at all for you and I to share a room, anyway. We need our own space."

"I – I guess that makes sense," he agreed. "Have you found a place yet?"

"Yeah, I think so. It's another apartment just off Main Street, so we'll be closer to everything," Emma explained, "There are two bedrooms, so we'll have our own spaces. I'm actually going to call about the lease tomorrow. There's even a gym in the building."

"A gym?"

"Winters in Maine are cold, kid. I need a place to work out so I can stay in shape for the next time I have to rescue a kitten or blow up a monster," Emma gave a self-deprecating smile.

"Let me know when you're going to move your stuff, ma. I'm sure Mom can help with her magic or something," Henry offered.

This time Emma's chuckle was real. "I wouldn't bet my life on it."

7 October 2014

Emma came to a breathless halt, resting her hands on her knees as she bent over, desperately gulping oxygen back into her lungs. Pinpricks of pain, the tingling that resembled a limb that had fallen asleep long before, chased around her extremities while dots swirled at the edges of her vision. Storybrooke's crisis-of-the-week had kept her from her old exercising routine for four years now. Granny's delicious food and her bear claw addiction hadn't aided her cardiovascular condition, either.

Still, she did have one thing going for her: a driving need to escape. She couldn't run away from Storybrooke, not like she used to be able to move from town to town in her faithful Bug whenever reality got too intense. Literally exercising her worries away was her only option. Running herself into oblivion never felt so good.

The diet problem was mostly resolving itself, as well. She'd made a conscious effort to avoid Granny's, both for her health and to steer clear of the awkward encounters that always seemed to happen at the diner.

Her difficulty came in the amount of food she was taking in. Old habits died hard, and she had long since learned to get by on fewer than the ideal amount of calories. Since the memories of Regina's cooking skills that she'd included in the happy memories gift had faded, her poor cooking abilities meant that her diet wasn't improving as much as she'd like. In some ways it was reminiscent of the times she'd gone hungry as a foster child. At least the stomach pangs were familiar.

She was ruing the lack of calories at the moment, though. Her clothes were gradually getting looser and looser, and she was taking less time in front of the mirror after her showers, almost afraid of what her reflection would show.

Emma flopped down on the tree and took stock of the day ahead of her. No Henry, no parents, and an off-day from the station. She had a fat lot of nothing to do for the day. Whereas once that would have been reassuring, now it was just one more thing leaving her on edge. She had no ideas for how to fill her time now that she was alone again.

Moving out of the loft hadn't taken long at all. Once she'd found a building and negotiated a lease – making sure Gold was NOT the landlord had taken more time than hammering out the rental agreement – the move took only a couple trips with her Bug and David's truck. It was her first move with enough stuff to require more than one trip with just her little yellow car, and the experience left her feeling adrift, disconnected from her life.

Still the peace and quiet in her new apartment was not without its comforts. She didn't have a screaming baby and doting parents in the next room.

Doting parents. One of her lifelong wishes.

She thought after the curse broke they could try to be a family, but a trip through a portal to the Enchanted Forest and dealing with Regina's sociopathic mother, followed in short order by a desperate bid to save Henry from Neverland took up any kind of time they could have used to figure out their roles in this strange new family.

So much for that, Emma snorted at her own thoughts as she leaned against a tree still trying to catch her breath.

Snow said in the Echo Cave on Neverland that she wanted another baby – wanted to 'do it right' this time. In that moment, Emma knew from the pain in Snow's eyes that outside of a situation where they all had to reveal a deeply personal truth to save someone's life, her mother never would have said what she did.

The words stuck with her, though. When she got all her memories back in New York, the bad came with the good. Seeing her mother heavily pregnant back in Storybrooke confirmed everything.

Emma heaved a sigh, finally feeling the oxygen drive her dizziness away. It was the same every time she ran out, but with the practice she was pushing the breaking point farther and farther away. She quickly downed an energy bar and some water. When she was feeling surer of herself, she stood, tied her workout pants tighter at the waist, and started off again, running away from the loneliness. Running away from the whispers. Running hard enough that the only thing she could hear was her breathing.

A/N: Things are getting tense for Emma, aren't they? She doesn't seem to be dealing too well with this turn of events.

Reviews and constructive feedback are always much appreciated! Thanks!