Nix sat on the steps of the Speaker's balcony, hooded, brooding. The Speaker didn't let her have her way. He did, however, get her out of the mental and physical exams the tower guards were just aching to do. So she wasn't completely angry with him.
Ghost floated above Nix's lap, watching the guardians passing below, back and forth between the New Monarchy rep and the other venders in North tower.
"There are more guardians now than before, don't you think?" Ghost swiveled to look at Nix, spinning his shell thoughtfully. Nix nodded slightly, chin resting on her clasped hands. She could almost feel Ghost sighing at her lack of responsiveness.
"Well I'm excited. We haven't had friends in a long time; this will be a good chance to make some new ones." Ghost didn't add his hope that new friends would incline his guardian to stay near the tower again. He missed the tower, people, variety, fun.
"We aren't doing this to make friends, Ghost. It's a means to an end. A job. A raid. I don't exactly plan on talking about my favorite color while knifing an acolyte in the face." Nix's words dripped with venom. She had asked, begged even, that the Speaker let her handle it alone or at least leave her out of it entirely, but he refused. Nix had never been fond of working in groups, even with Fireteam Ra, but now she loathed it. It was easier to police only herself rather than herself plus five. Alone, the only responsibility she had was to herself and Ghost. So much simpler.
"Putting your life in other people's hands does require a certain amount of familiarity though. Steel yourself, guardian." He spoke the last with as much sarcasm as he could manufacture. He hadn't known sarcasm until he found Nix. She used it constantly, scathingly, a master of insulting people without them realizing it until later. And for some reason, the people she insulted laughed with her. The queen of sarcasm. Ghost had been learning to use it ever since. It seemed to amuse her.
Nix stood suddenly and readjusted her cloak. She stretched a little and then headed down the stairs, Ghost following close behind.
"Where are we going?" Ghost sounded almost anxious, worried his guardian would try to leave the tower again.
"To Cayde. He's still the head of the hunter vanguards. I need to talk to him." Word had travelled fast in the tower. The Speaker told Nix that he had informed the vanguard of her return, so Cayde already knew she was here. He would be expecting her, but she wasn't coming around just to catch up.
Nix had tried his room first, hoping she could catch him alone, but to no avail. He was working, as always. Advising the lost, encouraging the reckless, and jealous as hell of every single hunter that walked into the Hall of Guardians. Nix couldn't help but smile at the memory of the murmured "take me with you"s, and "not like I'm jealous or anything" every time she left the hall.
Nix had waited until a group of guardians walked into the hall to pass Lord Shaxx. He was another old mentor, from her competitive crucible days. He too had probably heard of her return. He had had nothing but the utmost belief in her, and she had proved herself every match. She had been worthy of respect, and she got it from everyone. She didn't want to see him now. So she hid in the crowd and walked past with her head down. She heard him call out to another guardian, teasing the losers and winners alike. Her mouth twitched into another smile. Some things never change.
Nix paused, just for a moment, before passing into the Vanguard's place in the back of the hall. It didn't look any different from when she left. Zavala writing communiques, Ikora with her books open, and Cayde pouring over a map…one that Nix had made years ago of the Rubicon Wastes on Mars. Her gut wrenched. She moved forward anyway, not looking at anyone, hidden behind her helmet. She focused on her old handiwork and moved until she stood next to the table.
Nix leaned over her map, examining every line of ink, every sloppy notation, the legend, longitude and latitude lines, and suddenly she could see herself four years in the past.
Dirt in my boots, my gloves, but not my eyes. I sit in the dirt, hidden by rock outcroppings from the roaming cabal patrols. I sketch the outline of a cabal base feverishly, trying to get it done before being forced to move on, for fear of discovery. Notation down, written too fast, barely legible. But I took joy in it, the crazy risks of scouting. Hear the heavy footfalls, have to move. The others will be near the rendezvous now.
Nix hadn't realized she was reaching out to trace a line on the map, until she was reprimanded.
"Hey, guardian, don't touch, it's antique." A hand slapped hers away. She looked up, saw Cayde still studying the map.
"Four years old is hardly antique. Probably outdated though. Honestly, you should commission a new one. This is almost criminal negligence, sending guardians out into enemy territory on the information of a map that's four years old." Nix leaned her back against the table and crossed her arms. Cayde looked up.
"I would have, but the girl who did this one decided to take an extended vacation. So, Nix, how was the beach?" Cayde stood up straight, arms hanging loosely by his side.
"Terrible. The weather was shit, the air was nonexistent, I got a sunburn, and the water was diluted with the blood of dreg and acolytes."
"I didn't know Awoken could tan."
"We can't. Hence the sunburn." Nix uncrossed her arms, and Cayde crossed his. Cayde grinned, as much as an Exo can.
Nix could feel the eyes of Zavala on her. She had never gotten along with the titan vanguard. They had too many differences of opinion. She had always been okay with Ikora, though. A love of knowledge made them easy friends. She wondered if they were mad she wasn't in forced detainment.
"What's with the heavy armor, anyway? Expecting a firefight?" Cayde's voice was joking. Amused. Nix realized he must not know about the detainment group then. She looked over to Zavala, wondering if that had been by his order. He went back to his communiques.
"A good hunter is always prepared for a fight, even in the tower." Nix decided he didn't need to know. He'd probably hear about it later anyway.
"Being out in the field for so long make you a bit jumpy, Necryptonix?"
"No. Just cautious. I've survived this long; I won't be killed now by a silly misfire out of a new warlock who's never seen a gun before." Cayde chuckled.
"Are you back for good then, hunter?" Ikora spoke now, one hand holding a book, the other on her hip as she looked Nix up and down.
"Is any guardian back for good, really? There's a lot of work to be done – a lot of dangerous work to be done." Nix avoided the question.
"So you just came to chat up the vanguard and distract us from our work?" Ikora had a point.
"No, actually. I need a favor." Nix resisted the urge to add "but not from you" when Zavala looked up at her again.
"Wow, Nix asking for a favor, someone get this marked on their calendar!" Cayde called out. Nix rolled her eyes, though no one could see. Despite the joking, Cayde knew it was a serious matter if she had returned all the way to the tower for it. Ikora closed her book and leaned on the table, waiting.
"I need a list. The best guardians you guys know. Give me 21 on the list, 7 for each of you. I'll make the final decision myself." Nix spoke tersely, feeling a sudden rush of anxiety at her request. After what had happened with Fireteam Ra, here she was asking the vanguard mentors to hand her their best and brightest. She could imagine what they thought about that.
"You don't like working with others anymore. What do you need them for?" Ikora's face was sharp as she spoke. Nix took a deep breath in.
"Trust me, I'd be out of here right now if I could, no guardians attached, but…" Nix caught herself - removed the venom from her voice, "…but the Speaker has asked me to stay and head up a Fireteam of six total. We're going on a raid." Nix hadn't meant to snap at Ikora.
"I'll have to confirm that." Zavala spoke. He didn't trust her. Nix had to wonder what he thought she would want with some guardians if not for a raid. Then a flash in her mind, a report, the Red Death incident. Nix tasted metal, and hoped Zavala was smart enough to know she was not so cold as that.
"Go ahead, titan. Read it and weep." Nix waved her hand at him dismissively as Ghost relayed the Speaker's orders to Zavala's ghost. His mouth curled slightly as he read. A moment of silence.
"We'll have a list for you by tomorrow, hunter." Zavala's voice oozed with bitterness. Nix smirked.
"Thank you. I'll be around the tower if anyone needs me." Nix added the last part out of habit, and soon regretted saying it. But she left the hall and didn't look back, even though she could feel all of their eyes on her.
"You look at the stars like they might vanish if you don't stare hard enough." Nix jumped slightly, having been too lost in thought to hear the exo hunter's footsteps behind her.
"If I don't stare hard enough, they could be gone in a blink. And I'd miss them." Cayde watched his old friend, head cocked slightly. Nix had removed her helmet, finally, but her hood was up, eyes only visible because they glowed bright white beneath the shadow of the fabric.
Nix had hidden herself away in a little used open-air storage area at the top of the tower. She sat against the wall, leaning her side against the railing before the two thousand foot fall. The stars had been her companions in deep space. Silent, watchful, and not a judgmental atom in their fiery bodies. The sky was one thing Nix had never tried to map. She didn't believe in imposing order on such great forces of nature. Cayde stepped closer and sat down next to her, looking up at the stars, trying to see what she saw.
"What do you feel, staring up at the stars like this?" Cayde looked back to her, trying to understand. This wasn't the first time he had caught her examining the sky like it was some long lost friend. Nix took a breath, paused.
"I feel small. Very small." Nix didn't shift her upwards gaze.
"You say that like it's a good thing."
"Stars live for millions of years. They watch the rise and fall of countless civilizations. And when they reach the end, they destroy anyone too close to them. To them, we're just a blip in the time stream. Nothing we do is cosmically important. Nothing we do effects them in any way. They will go on, with or without us. And you can't tell me there isn't something comforting about that." Nix finally looked away, turned her head to Cayde. Her eyes, he noticed, look tired – old, even.
"Sounds like escapism to me. Sounds like the final plea of a criminal facing death row. 'I know I killed those people, but it doesn't matter because stars live longer than us!' I don't buy it. And you shouldn't either." Nix sneered and looked back at the sky. But she knew he was right. It was a final plea. The only way she could escape the guilt, the sense of failure.
"Those civilians depended on your team to get them out of there. You did your job. All of you did. No one faulted you; you did the best you could. The civilians made it here, and you were a hero to them, Nix. Some of those kids started to idol worship you! It's a miracle anyone made it back at all. But Fireteam Ra got every single person out. Every single one. You should be proud. Of them and yourself."
"I am proud of them. I couldn't be more proud of them. I ordered them to their deaths, one by one, and they didn't hesitate, didn't even blink. They knew they would die if they did what I asked, but they did it anyway, with smiles on their faces. Ran into the horde like they loved the feeling of being torn apart -…." Nix sucked in a breath, hands clenched.
"Their deaths protected those who could not protect themselves. Fireteam Ra died with honor. You did the right thing, Nix. You know you did." Cayde tried to put a hand on her shoulder, but Nix slapped it away. She stood suddenly, began pacing back and forth.
"Whether I did the right thing or not, it doesn't mean I suddenly stop hearing their laughs, their last words; I don't stop feeling the horror of sending my friends down the hill knowing I would never see them again. They died because I told them to!"
"They died because it was them, or the lives of civilian families! It was their choice! They would have died whether or not you told them to, but they listened to you because you're smart, you're a good leader, and they knew you were doing the right thing! For god's sake Nix, let the dead rest already!" Cayde stood, gesturing angrily at her as she glared at him.
"That's pretty rich, when we live in a place just crawling with living corpses."
"They prefer to be called guardians, if you don't mind."
"I am no leader Cayde. If being a leader means sending friends, people, to their ends, I don't want any part of it."
"Well it doesn't look like you've got much of a choice, now does it? I talked to the Speaker. This raid cannot fail, and you're the only one who has the experience to pull it off. So you're gonna pick some guardians off the list, you're gonna make nice with them, you're gonna teach them your ways, and then you're gonna go out there and kick some ass. Because that's what we're made to do. Got it? Good." Cayde glared at Nix. She stopped pacing, stood completely still. Her arms fell limp at her sides. Cayde had been her mentor in the past; it was hard to try and ignore his orders now.
"…And if it fails anyway?" Nix's voice was barely above a whisper.
"It won't. Raids like this require a few certain qualities: Talent, experience, and guts. And you've got all three in spades," Cayde paused, thinking, "I told you that you were the wolf, the ace of spades. You won't fail, Nix. But you gotta stop looking at the stars like this. It'll be the end of you." Cayde watched Nix for a few seconds more, then turned and slowly walked away.
Nix slowly sank back to the ground, her knees pulled up to her chest. She could feel the Ghost's presence thrumming softly in the back of her mind. But he knew better than to speak. Nix removed her gloves, rested her chin on her knees, and looked at her hands.