Chapter 3
I storm into my parents' house and stomp up the stairs without even throwing a hello in their direction. I slam the door of my bedroom shut and let out a frustrated groan as I fall onto the bed.
I let Peeta get to me. He knew exactly what buttons to press and I fell into his trap easily. Nine years hasn't changed his ability to infuriate me. I was the one left looking like an idiot standing in front of his doorstep.
I should have had a better plan about asking for a divorce. Of course he was going to get mad at me for just turning up and demanding he signed the papers. If he had done the same thing to me I would have only reacted worse.
I finally saw the pain I have spent the last nine years trying to avoid. I hurt him. Badly. I should have tried to make amends before asking him for the divorce.
I have really screwed this up. His pride will stop him from signing the papers anytime soon.
I let out a weary sigh as I run a hand through my hair. I pull out my phone and call the only person who can make me feel better. The person I am here for now. He picks up after only a few rings.
"I have to say I expected you to have called a lot sooner to moan about being back," Cato says once he has picked up.
I need to hear his voice. To remind me why I am here. To remind me that my life isn't here any longer.
"I literally haven't been given a moment to call you. Apparently my arrival back is the biggest news since the town got Wi-Fi. It's been non-stop with people coming over to see me," I sigh.
"You should take it as a compliment. They are all obviously excited to see you," Cato replies.
Not everyone I think to myself.
I can't get the cold look in Peeta's eyes out of my head. It is so unlike what I am used to seeing in him. I hate to think that I am the cause for that look.
"Well, I wish they were not quite as excited. Nothing has changed in this town. The shops and all the houses are the same. The people are still as nosy as ever. I am fed up already and I have only been here five hours," I moan as I begin twirling the end of my hair in my fingers.
"You were the one that wanted to go back. And you were the one that didn't want me to come with you. If you let me come I could have thought of a few ways to make you feel better," Cato replies with a suggestive tone in his voice.
I roll my eyes as I run my hair through my fingers. Cato often uses sex to distract me from my problems. But it is not going to help me now.
"I couldn't put you through this. It is bad enough for me and I know what this town is like. You are better off in New York," I reply.
And with the way Peeta is acting I know my secret would not be safe from Cato if he was in Panem. I can't have him anywhere near Peeta.
"If you say so," he replies. "It's only a week. After the initial excitement it will all die down."
I sigh. I just hope it dies down quickly. I don't like people nosing about my business and the people in this town are experts at it. With me trying to keep the truth about Peeta under wraps I really could do without their prying questions.
"I just wish I was back in New York. I miss you," I say.
I can imagine the sympathetic smile Cato has on his face as he pauses before he answers.
"You'll get through this. You have jumped out a plane. You can handle being back for a few days," he replies.
A small smile appears on my lips at the last comment. I have done a lot scarier things than facing the people from my hometown. I just need to suck it up and come up with a new plan to get Peeta to sign the papers. Then I can go back home.
"You're right. I just needed to hear your voice," I say.
"I'm glad that I could help. I miss you too. The bed is too cold without you," he says.
I smile a real genuine smile now.
"I 'm stuck sleeping in a time warp. My room hasn't changed since I left high school," I say with a grin.
Cato lets out a laugh down the phone.
"And what naughty things did you get up to in that room?" he asks.
I shake my head as I clutch the phone to my ear.
"Remember, I grew up in a strict Christian household. Anything that happened in my room was completely innocent," I reply.
"I don't believe you. You never like being told what to do," Cato replies.
I smile but we both know I am not going to tell him what happened here.
"Don't get too lonely while I am away. Porn shows up on the cable bill you know," I say.
Cato laughs again.
"I don't know what you are trying to imply, Miss Everdeen," he says.
I grin again. The conversation has done its job to cheer me up.
"I'll call you tomorrow," I say. "I love you."
"I love you too," Cato replies before saying goodbye and hanging up.
I sigh again once I have put my phone down. It is going to be a long week in Panem.
The next day I do my best to hide out at the pharmacy. I volunteer to check stock and do inventory as my dad serves the customers at the front. My efforts are only partly successful though. It seems Delly has done a good job of spreading my arrival around town and the pharmacy is busier than usual as various people come in inquiring about my visit and recent engagement. I end up spending a large part of the day answering the same questions again and again. It is exhausting.
It is not much better when I get back home and Mom makes a big fuss as she tries to persuade me to go to the barn dance that is being held tonight.
"The whole town is going, Katniss. It will be a great way to see all the people you haven't seen yet," Mom says.
I sigh. I don't tell her that there is no one left that I particularly care to see and after a day full of the same questions I am too tired to pretend to be interested in these people any more. I just want to curl up on the couch and enjoy my own company for a while.
Plus there is a high chance Peeta will be there and I don't think I am ready to face him again.
"I don't like being the centre of attention, Mom," I say as I flop on the couch.
Dad is sitting quietly reading the paper and gives me a sympathetic look. I know the only reason I didn't see more people today is because he kindly told some of my visitors that I was too busy to speak to them.
However Mom fires him a look that says "Control your daughter, please" and I know I am onto a losing battle. She is determined to show me off this evening and if she is trying to bring Dad into it I know she will win in the end.
Dad catches Mom's look and sighs as he puts the paper down.
"We can't force Katniss to go," Dad says and Mom's eyebrows shoot up in indignation. "But I do think it would be good of you to come. At least that way you get it all over with."
Mom's body relaxes as she crosses her arms and gives me a pleased look.
"Fine," I concede. "But I didn't bring anything to wear to a barn dance."
Mom's eyes light up and she pulls me in for a big hug. I put my arms round her and think if my going brings her some happiness then it can't be all bad.
"Oh, don't worry about that! I have something in my wardrobe that is just perfect for you," she exclaims.
I give her a forced smile as she grabs my hand and drags me up the stairs. I just catch the thankful look in my dad's eyes as I am pulled out the room.
I end up wearing a simple blue cotton dress that my Mom had worn when she was my age. It has capped sleeves and buttons down the front with the skirt coming to rest just above my knees. It is much less fancy than anything I own in New York but the sight of me in it pleases my mother.
I even let my mom do my hair up into a fancy braid style that I haven't let her do since Prom. This simple act seems to bring her so much joy and I am reminded again how bad a daughter I have been since I left. Mom may get on my nerves at times but it is all because she is proud of me and my achievements. I touch her hand and give her a genuine smile in thanks once she has finished and I think we share our first real moment in nine years.
Dad is waiting at the bottom of the stairs and holds out his arms to escort us to the dance. He looks so proud to have us both on his arm and I make a vow to try and enjoy myself at this thing. It is the least I could for them.
The dance is located in a large wooden barn on the Cartwright's farm. There are already several cars and trucks parked in the field as we arrive and the lively music of the fiddle and banjo can be heard as we step out my dad's truck. The barn is glowing with the bright yellow light coming from inside and there is a train of people all making their way up for the nights festivities. I take my dad's arm again as we join the queue of people and I take a deep breath to prepare myself for the evening that lies ahead.
Panem may do many things wrong but the one thing they know how to do right is singing and dancing. When we enter the barn there are already several couples in cowboy hats and leather boots twirling and dancing around the wooden floor. The live band made up of local residents sit jovially on bales of hay as they strike up a lively tune and encourage people onto the dance floor. The whole place is filled with animated chatter as friends and families laugh and catch up with each other.
It is a far cry from New York.
Mom immediately spots Mrs Cartwright and waves at her before rushing off to tell her how wonderful the event is looking and my dad sneaks off to join Haymitch Abernathy at the bar. I am left looking out on this loud and merry party and wondering when I stopped fitting in.
I am saved by Darius sidling up beside me and giving me a cheeky smile.
"You still remember how to dance, Katniss? I bet they don't have parties like this in New York," he says with a grin.
I smile and shake my head as I watch Delly being flung around the room by her husband. Her blonde curls almost hit Thom in the face but he seems undeterred as he spins her again with full force.
"It is certainly different over there. Dancing is more of a body shuffle than an actual series of steps," I reply.
"You'll have to save me a dance. Maybe show me some of your New York moves," he says.
I laugh.
"Won't your wife mind? Who did you end up marrying anyway?" I ask.
Darius straightens up and rolls back his shoulders as a big grin appears on his face.
"No wife. I am the town's resident bachelor. Couldn't let Haymitch be the only one," he says without a hint of regret.
"What you really mean is that you have joined him at the bar in the afternoons," I say.
Darius's grins grows wider and we both turn to look at where Haymitch is sitting at the bar. True to form he has a glass of bourbon in his hand and slightly glazed look in his eye. It is well known that he turned to drink after his little brother died in a tractor accident when he was sixteen. He's never married and is the butt of many of the town's jokes.
"He does know where all the best moonshine is kept," Darius replies.
I shake my head at him before I let him ramble on about how he is busting the teenagers who try to sneak alcohol into events like this. At least with Darius I know he won't ask me the same questions as everyone else.
As Darius is speaking to me I see Peeta slip in the barn door. He's wearing ripped jeans and a red flannel shirt that emphasises just how toned his arms have become. He greets a group of guys from high school with a big smile and a clap on the shoulder. I watch him as his eyes crinkle as he jokes with his friends. This image is more like the boy I remember.
I decide to stay away from him tonight. Confronting him in public is never going to go down well. I need to be calm when I next speak to him. I'll wait until tomorrow and try to reach out to him in a way that won't get his defences up.
Several other people come up to congratulate me and ask about New York while I am with Darius and after I have finished fielding Rooba's questions about the likely location of my wedding I turn round and realise that the cheeky cop has sneaked off. I sigh as I scan the crowded barn to find someone else that is bearable to talk to.
Eventually I spot Gale and Madge standing at the edge as they try to coax their son to dance. Noah is shy though and shakes his head furiously as Madge tries to pull him onto the dance floor. I smile as I make my way over to join them. I have to politely reject several offers to dance as I push my way through the crowd and get stuck in a few conversation along the way but eventually I reach them.
I smile at them, relieved, as Madge gives up with Noah and picks him up to balance him on her hip. She smiles at me warmly as she hoists him up and he sticks his thumb in his mouth as he leans his head against her shoulder.
"You made it. Gale didn't think you would come," Madge says as she holds Noah close.
Gale sees my slightly exasperated look and smiles before handing me his beer.
"Here. I think you need this," he says.
I take it gratefully before I take a large gulp and slam the bottle back down on the table. I roughly wipe off some of the foamy liquid from around mouth with the back of my hand before I pick the bottle back up again to inspect which brand it is.
"Do you know I feel a bit guilty for drinking this? The last time I drank here we were underage and sneaking sips out the back," I say before I take another sip.
Both Madge and Gale laugh.
"I still think Cray is going to book me every time he looks in my direction when I have a beer," Gale replies.
I laugh and we all turn to look in the direction of the retired cop who always tried to catch us out on our antics.
"Noah isn't going to get up to all the stuff we did as teenagers. He's going to be my little angel," Madge says as she gently rocks her son and places a kiss on top of his head.
Gale and I share a look that says Noah definitely won't be the angel Madge makes him out to be. I mean he does have Gale as a father after all. But neither of us say anything and Gale wraps his arm around his wife's waist as he places a kiss on top of her head and tells her "Of course not." Madge leans into his touch and I suddenly wish that Cato was here to hold me like that. He could have helped me fend off all these nosy gossips and actually made this night bearable.
However I don't get to contemplate this thought for long as suddenly I am being picked up and lifted off the ground. I let out a little yelp and spill beer all down my dress.
"What the hell?" I yell as I twist round to see who my attacker is.
As I turn round I see cheeky blue eyes with floppy ash blond hair and a chin full with a thick beard. My attacker gives me a cheeky smile and I roll my eyes at him.
"Jesus, Rye. We are not ten years old anymore," I say as he puts me down and I try to wipe off the spilled beer.
Peeta's elder brother grins wider as he stands back, putting his hands in his pockets and looking me up and down. He is two years older than us and spent most of our adolescence teasing and playing pranks on us.
"I couldn't give you just any welcome, little sis. It's been too long since I've seen you," he says.
Gale and Madge look on at us with amused looks. I shake my head at him before reaching out to scratch through his new beard.
"What is this you have got on your face? You look like a hobo," I state as I run my fingers through it.
Rye's grin grows wider as I drop my hand and he scratches his chin. I am amazed at how quickly I fall back into this routine with him. I am an only child so growing up the elder two Mellark boys became my surrogate brothers. We were always running about teasing and making fun of each other. I've lost that family rapport since I have moved to New York. Cato is an only child too and I have never found a relationship like I had with the Mellarks back there.
"You don't think it makes me look more mature? I've got two little girls now. I need to look more serious," he replies.
I raise my eyebrows at him. Rye Mellark is never going to come across as serious.
"So you finally found the balls to ask Violet to marry you? I have to say I thought you would have fucked it up before that happened," I say.
Everyone knew Rye was in love with Violet in high school but he had commitment issues and was always breaking things off with her whenever he thought things were getting too serious. I am glad he was finally able to stop being an idiot and settle down.
"Don't let him fool you, Katniss. It was Violet that ended up proposing to him," another female voice answers.
I look up to be met with the warm smile of Peeta's mother. I smile back at her and she pulls me in for a warm hug.
"It's so nice to have you back," she says as I wrap my arms around her. "I've missed having some decent female conversation with only my boys around."
I give her a weak smile in return. Peeta's mother loved me. It is well known she was disappointed she had three strapping boys. I was the daughter she never had and she was one of the biggest champions of my relationship with her son. I know I hurt the whole family with the way I left.
"Come on, Mom. Katniss is hardly a proper female," Rye says breaking any of the guilt I felt about seeing Carolyn again.
"Definitely not when compared to you. I know you love a scented bubble bath while you listen to Shania Twain," I reply.
"It's Taylor Swift now actually," Rye replies without missing a beat.
We all laugh and I realise I have missed this. The gentle teasing of people who are practically family. It is not something I have back in New York.
However as our laughter dies I become uneasy as I catch sight of Peeta's other brother, Bran, making his way over to us. Unlike his brother and mother his look is a lot less welcoming. He narrows his eyes when he sees me and approaches with a grim look on his face.
"Mom, Dad is looking for you. Something about the pie you made for tonight," Bran says.
He doesn't offer me a hello, only throws a dirty look in my direction. The light heartiness that had been with our little group evaporates and I shift about uncomfortably on my feet.
Carolyn turns to her eldest son with a gentle smile.
"Tell your father that I will find him later. I'm just catching up with Katniss now. I can't wait to hear all about her adventures around the world," she replies before turning to give me a genuine smile.
Bran's frown deepens and he looks at me with a cold stare. I shrink back as he continues to stare at me intensely.
"How can y'all welcome her back with open arms? Have you forgotten what she did to Peeta?" he says.
Things are all getting very uncomfortable. Even Noah senses it and lets out a little whimper that Madge has to hush away by stroking his head.
"Bran, it was a long time ago," Rye says trying to defend me.
Bran snaps his head round to look at his brother with anger.
"No. I hate how everyone is welcoming her back like she is some sort of saint. This is the girl that almost destroyed my baby brother. Or don't you remember having to stand outside his bathroom door to make sure he didn't drown himself," he says angrily.
Bran's words are like a punch to the gut. They seem to knock all the air out of me. I have avoided asking about Peeta for this very reason. I don't want to hear how much pain I caused him.
"You have some nerve coming back here and shoving that big fat ring in front of my brother's face. Have you no sensitivity?" Bran accuses.
"That is not what Katniss is doing," Carolyn says in a calming voice.
Bran whips his head back round to look angrily at his mom.
"Where is your loyalty? We should be supporting Peeta at this moment not welcoming back the bitch that broke his heart," Bran spits.
"Language, Bran!" Carolyn scolds him.
Bran just shakes his head in disappointment.
"I am not going to pretend I am happy to have her back. I will never forgive her for what she did to Peeta," he says before turning round and storming off.
Our whole group is quiet as the dust settles on the confrontation. I can't blame Bran for sticking up for his brother. I am a little surprised at just how easily Rye and Carolyn have welcomed me back after the way I left things. But it still doesn't make his accusations any easier to hear.
Bran goes back to Peeta and I can see him looking over at me as Bran arrives. He has clearly witnessed the argument but I can't read how he feels about it. His expression is blank.
"I'm sorry about that, Katniss. Bran had no right to speak to you like that," Carolyn says.
I snap my head back to look at her.
"Was it really that bad?" I ask almost meekly.
I may have resented Peeta by the end of our marriage but there was part of me that still loved him. He was my best friend and I didn't like to see him hurting. I hate to think just how heartbroken I left him.
Carolyn looks at me sympathetically and places a gentle hand on my arm.
"We know it wasn't easy on you either. And we weren't blind. We knew things were bad between you both," she says.
I give her a weak smile in thanks but feel even worse. I look back at Peeta and see him talking with a group of friends. If I hurt him as much as Bran implied no wonder he won't grant me the divorce. It is his turn to do something to hurt me.
The rest of the night is excruciating. Peeta keeps away from me, which I am glad for, but many other people don't feel the same necessity.
Quite a few people witnessed the argument with Bran and lots of people come up to me to ask about it. Nearly everyone seems to take my side saying that it was a long time ago and they understand why I left. I am forced to relive the last few months of my doomed relationship with Peeta and as I stand there listening to everyone's sympathies I can't help but think maybe Bran has it right. I don't deserve the support and understanding of these people. Not when I hurt one of their own so badly.
I decide to slip away early and maybe get a phone call to Cato before I go to bed. I feel terrible and I know there is very little I can do to put things right.
As I am leaving the loud merriment of the barn behind, I stumble upon a couple embracing by the entrance. The man has his back to me but holds the dark haired girl's head gently in his hands as he gives her a lingering kiss. I recognise the girl as Leevy, a girl I used to babysit when I was in high school. She has a soft smile on her face as she pulls back and she smiles sweetly at the man as she wishes him goodnight. The man stuffs his hands in his pockets as he watches her walk back to her car. When he turns round I am met by Peeta's bright blue eyes.
His face hardens when he sees me and it takes me a moment to get over the shock of seeing him with another girl. It shouldn't surprise me. Peeta has always been good looking and is one of the kindest people in Panem. He's a catch for any woman in this town. But the sight still bothers me.
Maybe it is the fact Bran made me feel guilty about being here while it turns out Peeta seems to be doing fine without me. Maybe it's the fact he is with Leevy, a girl we both used to babysit. Or maybe it's the four beers I have consumed that has made my brain a bit fuzzy but I can't resist saying something to him as I walk past. Even though I promised myself I would be cordial to him the next time we spoke.
"Jesus, Peeta. We used to babysit her," I say as I walk past. "I didn't see you as a cradle snatcher."
I can feel Peeta's glare harden at me as I do so.
"She's twenty four now. Not that it's any of your business," he replies coolly.
I twist my head back round to look at him and shrug my shoulders indifferently. He narrows his eyes at me before I turn back round to carry on walking.
"You running out early, sweetheart?" Peeta says taking a few steps to follow me. "You were always good at leaving people behind."
I spin back round to scowl at him. The beer is not helping inform my judgement at the moment and I am a little pissed that he still feels the need to goad me into a fight.
"Haymitch has just opened the moonshine. I thought I'd leave before I got stuck cleaning his vomit again," I reply.
And then I see it. The small quirk at the corner of his lips as his mouth tries to hide a smile.
"Probably a wise decision then. I've had to strip that man down more times than I care for," he says as he lets the smile spread across his face.
I release the tension in my shoulders and allow myself to smile back. As teenagers Peeta and I often ended up having to clean Haymitch up after he had a few drinks. I think it was penance for stealing his moonshine. It is nice to share this memory again.
Because this is how it should have been when I got back. I shouldn't have demanded things from him. He shouldn't have tried to goad me into a fight. We should have been able to put our differences aside and tried to remember some of the good things instead of focusing on the bad.
We both stand there silently looking at each other as the party carries on inside. For the first time Peeta eyes don't look at me with coldness. It's a nice moment.
I don't want to say anything to ruin the moment so I tip my head and say goodbye.
"Have a good night, Peeta," I say as I turn back around and resume my journey back to the car.
But as I walk away Peeta's voice cuts through the air and locks me to the spot.
"I know about the baby," he says.
My heart stops and then seems to rise in my throat, making it harder to breathe. I close my eyes and shake my head to try and stop this moment from happening. How does he know? He was never supposed to find out.
Slowly I turn round, dreading what I will face.
It is not anger this time. It's pain. Pain over me lying to him. Pain over a lost child.
My heart constricts with guilt and heartache as I look at him. That look was why I didn't tell him. It was to save him some pain.
"Madge told you?" I ask trying to fight the tears at the memory.
I discovered I was pregnant the month before I left. It wasn't really surprising. We fucked to avoid arguments and were often careless with the use of a condom but it still wasn't planned. Madge and the doctor were the only ones that knew. I made Madge promise not to tell anyone until I figured out what to do.
By that point I had got my acceptance letter to NYU but I knew having the baby would have meant I couldn't go. That I would be stuck in this town forever. I was scared and things with my husband were bad. I didn't know what to do.
But in the end the decision was taken from me. I miscarried at eight weeks. The life ended before it really had begun. I was devastated and guilt ridden. I blamed myself for considering other options as the reason for me losing the baby. I suffered in silence as I felt like I had failed my baby.
It was the final straw that pushed me out of Panem. The baby was the only thing tying me to Panem and I had to get out before all the bad memories swallowed me whole.
I never told Peeta. I wanted to spare him from even more heartache.
Peeta lets out a bitter laugh at my response.
"No. But it is good to know you felt she deserved to know ahead of your husband," Peeta replies.
He sees my confused look before he carries on.
"Dr Fleetwood told me. After you left he ran into me and told me how sad he was that things had fallen apart but that losing a baby was very hard for a couple and many struggle to get through it together. He had no idea that you hadn't told me," Peeta says.
Peeta takes a few steps towards me and I can see the anger begin to surface in his eyes again.
"You should have told me," he says.
"When? In the middle of all our fighting? Honey, you still haven't fixed the roof, oh, but by the way I'm pregnant?" I reply
Peeta's nostrils flare and he bangs his fist against his leg.
"Damn it, Katniss! You should have found a way to tell me!" he yells.
"What was the point? It was gone before it really had a chance. What was the point of us both grieving something that would never be?" I reply.
At first I didn't tell him because I was scared but after I had lost it, it was a way to protect him. Protect him from more pain.
"That was not your decision to make! I had a right to grieve my own child!" Peeta exclaims.
I let a tear drop from the corner of my eye. I failed miserably. He's in even worse pain than if I had told him.
"I am sorry for the way you found out but I am not sorry for trying to protect you," I say.
Peeta takes a step back and shakes his head sadly.
"I didn't need your protection, Katniss. I just needed you to be honest with me," he says.
My heart plummets into my stomach. Bran is right about me. I have treated Peeta horribly. He didn't deserve all I have put him through.
The tears run freely but silently down my cheeks and Peeta gives me one last pain filled look before he turns to walk off into the darkness.
A/N: Oh, Katniss. She's certainly made some bad decisions in her past. I hoped you liked this chapter though the introduction of the rest pf the Mellarks.
Thanks to everyone who has followed/favourited/reviewed this story so far. You support means a lot.