A/N: Just a warning that there is a scene at the beginning of this chapter that deal with miscarriage and blood loss and some people may find it disturbing.
Chapter 4
I dream of the baby. It lying bloody and limp on the bathroom floor after it has been ripped out of my stomach. Then the pool of blood surrounding the baby begins to shrink taking the baby with it. I scramble at the white tiles desperately trying to keep the baby here. But my efforts are useless and eventually my nails are scratching at nothing but air as the blood and the baby disappear.
I sob uncontrollably on the bathroom floor with a gaping hole in my stomach. The umbilical cord severed and torn. Blood seeps out of stomach onto the floor.
Then Peeta appears with a look full of disgust. He shouts at me about how it is all my fault. That I didn't love the baby enough. That I wished it dead. He tells me he will love the baby while I can't. Each word lashes at my skin and I cover my ears and close my eyes to block it all out. But Peeta's words are too strong. I still hear his angry words as they become imprinted in my brain.
I wake howling and thrashing at four in the morning and in a cold sweat. My heart beats rapidly as I come to and I get confused by the green wallpaper of my old room. As I get my bearings I realise that it was just a dream. I didn't lose the baby again. I am back in my room in Panem.
I push my head back against the pillows and close my eyes trying to block out the images that are still fresh and vivid from my dream.
After I had first lost the baby I often had dreams like this. They were a regular occurrence my first year in New York. I knew my very blonde and very skinny roommate thought I was some sort of freak and would often ask me to sleep in the common area so as not to disturb her. For a while I accepted them as part of my life. Penance for not being able to keep my baby safe.
The guilt would eat me whole in these nightmares. Everything I tried to avoid in waking came rushing back with a vengeance while I slept. Various images of me losing the baby or an angry and hurt Peeta filled my sleep.
But time does eventually heal all wounds. Scars are still left as a permanent reminder of what we have been through but eventually the wound stops throbbing and we carry on again. I haven't had a dream like that since sophomore year of college. But it seems my confrontation with Peeta has reopened an old wound.
After lying in bed for a few moments I get up and traipse down the stairs to get some water. I fill a glass with water and take a long gulp as I slump down at the kitchen table. I run a tired hand through my hair as I think about my conversation with Peeta last night.
I feel horrible. I can't believe he has known about the baby all these years and never said anything. He has suffered in silence as he has tried to get over my betrayal of him. There was a time I had no secrets from him. I wouldn't dream of lying to him. But somewhere along the line that girl got lost. My lies didn't protect him. They only hurt him more.
I realise that I need to apologise. I should have done it as soon as I got into town. I should have apologised years ago.
I let out a weary sigh as I finish the last of my water. The images from my nightmare are still at the back of my mind and I know I won't easily find sleep again. I put the glass away as I trudge back up the stairs and hope that I manage to get a least a couple more hours of sleep with no dreams.
But I don't achieve it. I toss and turn in my bed as I become scared to fall back to sleep and face the demons I know that await me. I give up at just after 6am and get up to try and get my mind to think of other things. I think Dad is a little surprised when he comes down an hour later to find me stuck in the cupboards cleaning. He doesn't say anything about it as he goes through to the kitchen and offers me a cup of coffee. He knows that I won't want to talk about it.
Cato however phones just after 10 o'clock to check up on me.
"I got a little worried when you didn't call last night. I thought you would have wanted to moan about that barn thing you were going to," he says once I have picked up.
I run an agitated hand through my hair as I take the call up to my old bedroom. I couldn't call him after speaking to Peeta. My emotions were too raw and I can't even begin to explain to Cato how I lied to the husband he doesn't even know I have.
"I got home late. I didn't want to bother you," I reply.
Cato can sense the weariness in my voice and I can image him frowning down the phone.
"Is everything okay? You sound terrible," he asks concerned.
"I'm fine. I just slept badly last night. I guess I miss you sleeping beside me," I say trying to smile.
I know Cato is not convinced though. I have never been that good of an actress.
"You have been there for less than forty eight hours and don't sound good. I am a little worried, Katniss," he says.
I shake my head even though I know he can't see me. I'm stuck. I can't tell him what is really going on and yet ordinarily he would be the first person I would call when I had a problem. I don't know if there is anything I can say to placate him.
"It was just a busy night. I met the whole town again. But like you say, it will all die down now. My novelty will be wearing off," I say with a weak laugh.
Cato still doesn't believe me but I don't have the energy to convince him further. I have too many other things on my mind to worry about how he is feeling.
"Look, I am meeting a friend. I need to go or I'll be late. I love you," I say before letting Cato say goodbye and then hanging up.
I let out another weary sigh before putting my phone away and preparing to go and meet Madge on the Main Street. This week is going to be hard enough without Cato calling me every five minutes to check I'm okay.
I had arranged last night to meet up with Madge and Noah to go shopping on Main Street. Shopping may not be the best word for what we are doing, all the stores really only sell the essentials, but it is a good excuse to meet and catch up with her.
We meet outside the grocers as Madge picks up a basket to fill with items for Gale's dinner tonight. The grocer greets us with a cheery hello as we enter and asks how we enjoyed the barn dance before we begin our way round the aisles filled with locally grown fresh fruits and veg. Noah toddles along beside us as he holds Madge's hand tightly and looks up at me curiously. It seems he still doesn't quite know what to make of me.
It is harder to look at Noah today. With his blond hair and grey eyes he easily resembles what my child could have looked like had it had lived. With my nightmares of losing the baby still fresh in my mind it takes all my will power to not crumble and dwell of what could have been.
Madge instantly notices the dark circles under my eyes and smiles at me sympathetically as we walk down the aisles.
"How are you feeling this morning? Bran was pretty tough on you last night," she says.
I let out a small laugh as I shake my head.
"Turns out Bran was only the preview for the main event," I reply.
Madge turns to me with a puzzled look and I sigh and shake my head as I turn my eyes back to the front again.
"I spoke with Peeta last night. He knows about the baby," I say.
Madge's eyes widen in shock.
"Katniss, I swear I didn't tell him…." she says before I cut her off with a shake of the head.
"Dr Fleetwood accidentally let it slip after I left. He's pretty upset with me," I say. I take a pause before speaking again. "Bran is right. I was a bitch to him."
I hang my head low and Madge looks at me sadly. She places a gentle hand on my shoulder forcing me to look up again.
"You need to stop blaming yourself. Yes, you could have handled things better. You could have told him about the baby. You could have waited until he came home to explain to him face to face why you were leaving. But it was still going to be painful either way," she replies.
She's right to say my leaving was always going to hurt Peeta. But I made things worse by making the decisions I did.
"How bad was it? Tell me honestly," I ask.
I've tried running from the pain I caused him but after last night I have been forced to come face to face with it. I can't avoid it any longer. I need to know the extent of the pain I caused.
Madge looks at me uncertainly. She is reluctant to tell me. I tense in anticipation for what I am about to find out.
"I know Bran implied it but it never got so bad that we thought he would hurt himself. But he wouldn't eat meals unless someone sat with him. He trashed the house. Didn't go out for a long time," she replies.
My heart clenches at her words and I have to turn away from her sad look. It's not like I found it any easier. I cried myself to sleep for the first month as I missed his smell of cinnamon and his arms around me at night. I made very few friends those first six months in New York as I spent more time studying to distract myself than anything else. I may have made the decision to leave but that didn't mean there weren't times I wished he had come with me.
"No wonder he hates me," I mumble as we carry on walking round the store.
Noah points to a shiny red apple and Madge smiles at him as she reaches forward to pick it up for him. The little blond boy smiles excitedly as he grasps the apple in his hands and takes a bite.
"Peeta could never hate you. You two have too much history for that. And remember, I was there when you left. I know how hard it was for you to leave him," she says.
I sigh as I nod my head. My last few days in Panem are a bit of a blur. I lost the baby. I accepted my place at NYU. I packed up my life in Panem all in the midst of tears and heartbreak. Because even though I hated him for keeping me in Panem I still loved him. If I thought for one moment he would leave this town I would have taken him with me. But that was never an option.
"You needed to get out. This town would have suffocated you. I see the way you look at Gale, Noah and I and I can see you judge us slightly for having this life. A simple life where we stay put and get married and have two kids by the time we are thirty. You couldn't have stayed," she adds.
"I don't judge you for your choices," I say.
I am mortified that she thinks such a thing. She is still my friend.
Madge smiles knowingly as she rubs her slightly protruding stomach.
"Yes, you do. Just like you judge Delly and everyone else we went to school with who is married with kids now. But it's okay. You live a life in New York that sounds exciting and fast paced. And that is great for you. While I may have been doodling Gale's name on my workbook, you were doodling maps of the all the places you wanted to see," Madge says with a smile.
I smile back at her as she stops to pick up some carrots to put in her basket.
"We want different things from life. Sadly for you Peeta didn't want the same things," she says.
I smile at her in thanks as me move round the rest of the store, picking up the remaining items she needs. Before I came back here I had not questioned my decision to leave in the first place but facing both Peeta and Bran has made me forget my reasons for doing so. I needed a gentle reminder that I left for the right reasons.
"Get everything you wanted, ladies?" the greying grocers asks as Madge places her basket down on the counter.
"Yes, thank you, Bristel. Though Noah picked up an apple on the way round," Madge says as she holds up the half eaten apple core.
Bristel smiles as he takes the apple core and disposes it in the trash. He says it is on the house and he and Madge begin a light hearted discussion about the annual town carnival that arrives next weekend.
As we wait at the counter the shop door opens and the little bell rings. In walks Leevy and she and Madge share a smile and a hello before Leevy moves to the back of the store. Her eyes briefly flit in my direction but look away quickly before moving on.
Noah desperately wants to help his Mom pack up the groceries so Madge lifts him up onto the counter and Bristel smiles at him as he hands him the items to be packed in the brown bags.
I watch Leevy as she browses the fruit and veg selection and remember how I saw her with Peeta last night. I turn to Madge with a questioning look.
"I saw Peeta with Leevy last night. Are they a thing now?" I ask.
I don't really know why I am asking. It is none of my business. But the sight of her here is doing funny things to my stomach.
Madge looks back over at Leevy as she hands Noah a tin of sweetcorn to pack. She turns back to me with a knowing smile on her face.
"They've been seeing each other causally for the last couple of years. They bring each other comfort. Everyone knows that Leevy is really in love with Rory but he married Primrose Donner two springs back," Madge replies.
I frown as I look back at her and don't like the thought of her using Peeta to get over Gale's younger brother. Madge sees my look and a small smile spreads across her face as she and Noah finish packing and she hands over money to pay.
"They both use each other to distract themselves from the people they can't have," she replies.
My frown deepens as I spin back to look at her. Madge just smiles and shakes her head before getting Noah to jump down from the counter and picking up her bags.
"Come on. We've still got the butcher and the sweetshop to go to before we can have lunch," she says.
As if on cue, my stomach rumbles and Madge just laughs as we say goodbye to Bristel and I try not to think about what her words imply.
Lunch with Madge and Noah is nice and he seems to be finally opening up to me. I even got a couple of words out of him. Madge and I laugh as we reminisce about what we got up to in high school and Madge asks lots of questions about my travels around the world.
As I talk to her I realise just how much I don't want her life. Now all her stories and schedules revolve around Noah. I want kids in the not so distant future but I can't imagine not seeing the things I've seen before I do it. I'm glad I have experienced life before I have settled down.
But the smile never leaves Madge's face as she recounts tales of taking Noah horse riding for the first time and the time he got stuck in the washing machine.
She's happy. I can't begrudge her her life just because it is not what I want.
We separate with a warm hug as she and Noah go off to spend the afternoon with Gale and I am left to my own devices.
I don't quite know what to do in Panem on my own. Mom has some meeting for the carnival next weekend and Dad went off with my uncle this morning to fish. There is no one else I really care for seeing. I decide to take a walk in the countryside hoping the fresh air will help me clear my head of all thoughts of Peeta, a lost child and a worried Cato.
As I stroll along the familiar well-worn paths, I find my feet taking me towards the Donner's stables. I stop at the fence with a smile as I watch the various horses grazing in the fields. A beautiful Kentucky Mountain horse with a silky dark coat and blond mane sees me and walks over. I smile at it as it ducks its head and I stroke its neck.
Everyone in Panem knows how to ride a horse. It is still sometimes the quickest way to get around. Dad had taken me out to learn to ride when I was five years old. I used to love the exhilaration of leaning forward and riding the horse at a canter as we jumped over fences and bales of hay. I loved the possibility of riding off anywhere and never coming back. Riding a horse was the closest thing I felt to freedom when I lived in this town.
I continue stroking the horse's mane and ears as it nibbles in my hands searching for food. But my hands are empty. There was a time when I would always have a supply of sugar cubes in my pocket but I haven't ridden a horse in years. The thought doesn't cross my mind anymore.
I begin talking to the horse about how handsome I think he is and it huffs and blows out its nostrils as it shakes its head at me. I smile as I continue to babble on and I hear footsteps coming from the stables.
I turn towards the sound and see the owner of the stables, Joel Donner, walking towards me in faded denim trousers with matching denim jacket. A black cowboy hat rests on his head and he tips it at me in greeting as he approaches. His once blond beard has now grown completely white and I can just make out his cornflower blue eyes which still sparkle with mischief underneath his hat.
"Howdy. I wondered how long it be before you came back here. You were always stealing my horses to ride bareback when you were a teenager," Joel states with a smile.
I turn to face him as I continue to stroke the horse's nose.
"I haven't ridden in years. I fear I have forgotten how to," I reply.
Joel shakes his head.
"No such thing. It's like riding a bike. A natural like you will never forget," he says.
I smile at the compliment before turning back to look at the horse. The truth is I haven't ridden since I left. There are not many opportunities in New York and I have been too distracted by all the other things I wanted to see and do to make an effort to find somewhere to do it.
But standing with this horse again makes the urge to ride again strong. I always felt peace on a horse. Maybe all I need to do is leave the town behind for a little while and clear my head.
"This is a beautiful horse. What's his name?" I ask as Joel watches me pet the horse.
"Sampson. He's a really even tempered horse," Joel replies.
"Not like me then," I reply with a smile.
Joel laughs.
"How about you take him out on a ride. I can see you're itching to get back on the saddle," he says.
I smile at him again as Sampson snorts and shakes his head. Suddenly riding is all I want to do.
"Sounds perfect," I say with a smile.
Joel grins back at me broadly before he clicks his tongue to get Sampson to follow him to get saddled up. I jump over the fence as my heart picks up in excitement at the thought of riding again.
Joel helps me saddle Sampson up and I place my foot in the stirrup as I push myself up and swing my leg over. Immediately I sink and relax into the saddle. I pick up the reigns and savour the feel of them in my hands again. Sampson lets out an exhale of air but seems unaffected by me being on his back. I lean forward to gently rub his neck and let him know I'm here.
"Good boy, Sampson. You ready for a workout?" I ask him.
Sampson just snorts in reply and I take that as a good sign. I pull back to straighten up and wrap the reigns around my hands. I gentle squeeze my calves to get Sampson moving and he walks out of the stable. Joel points in the direction of a trail and I smile at him in thanks as we head out into the open field and I squeeze a bit tighter to get the horse to go into a canter. Soon we are galloping off, away from the stables and away from Panem.
It amazes just quickly I relax into it, letting my body rock with the horse's motions and enjoying the wind blowing through my hair. I quickly recognise the fields I am riding in and take off towards the woods I spent so much of my childhood in.
On top of Sampson I forget all about Peeta and the baby and the fact I still don't have a divorce. Everything empties out of my head as I just focus on the horse beneath me and the feeling of flying I get when I am on him.
We slow to a walk when we enter the woods that were my playground as a child. Here I could forget I was in a small town. The woods became my magical kingdom or haunted forest or medieval campsite. A place a lot more exciting than the town I lived in.
But it is bittersweet being back here. I always came here with Peeta. Even when we were older and came out here to camp and sneak drinks of Haymitch's moonshine. I don't think I have a memory of here without him in it.
Not wanting to dwell on Peeta too long I turn Sampson back around and take the long route back to the stables.
As we are leaving the forest I catch a glimpse of another rider up ahead. Even from this distance I recognise the stance of the man riding the pure white American horse. I have watched him ride enough times to know it is Peeta's blond curls that catch the sunlight as he rides past.
He doesn't see me and I make no move to ride after him. Most likely he would take it as an ambush and I really don't want to cause him any more pain than I already have. I watch him ride away from me hoping he still finds the peace riding brought him when we were younger.
It makes me smile to know he still rides. So many of our adventures started with horses. It was the only way to escape the town. It was a passion we both shared.
Cato and I have been sky diving, white water rafting and rock climbing together but we have never ridden horses together. It is never something he has shown an interest in before. But as I watch Peeta I realise that I want Cato to experience this too. I want to be able to go riding with him and not know where we will end up. I have denied myself the pleasure of horse riding for too long. Today has just reminded me how much I miss it. I make a vow to teach Cato when I get back to New York.
I walk Sampson back leisurely to the stables savouring the feel of riding again. Joel gives me a knowing smile when he sees my content smile as I come back.
"I told you you wouldn't have forgotten," he says with a grin.
My grin grows wider as I swing my leg over and jump off the horse.
"I'll definitely be back. It was just what I needed," I say.
Joel grins as he takes the reigns and leads Sampson back to the stable.
"You are welcome anytime, Katniss. I think Sampson has taken a liking to you," he replies.
I smile again and Joel hands me a sugar cube that I can feed to Sampson. He nuzzles his nose greedily into my hand as he gobbles the little cube up. I smile as I stroke his mane and already begin plotting where I will take him when I come back.
I am in a much better mood when I get back to my parent's house and Mom looks a bit surprised when I offer to help her with dinner. I let myself relax for the first time in this house since I got back. Riding today has reminded me that not everything in Panem is bad.
As I am helping Mom cut the vegetables for the stew, there is a knock on the door that interrupts the laughter we are sharing over the story of dad fishing by the lake today. I groan as I think who it might be now coming to visit me. Dad gets up, putting down his fishing rod that he was fixing to answer it.
I frown when I don't hear the distinctive southern drawl of one of the residents of this town. I put the knife down as I turn to look at who has just entered my parents' house.
He looks all wrong standing in my parents' tiny threadbare living room in a crisp blue shirt and kakis with a big smile on his face and a suitcase in his hand.
"Surprise!" Cato exclaims opening his arms.
I stand frozen in shock in front of him.
My fiancé is in Panem.
A/N: Things just keep getting more complicated for Katniss. She's keeping so many secrets that it is only time before they all start coming out. You'll have to wait until next week to see how she reacts to Cato being in Panem.
Thanks again to everyone who has shown support for this story. I'm glad so many people are enjoying it.