Chapter 8

I sit stewing in anger in my old bedroom while reading research journals to distract me from the two idiotic blond men from this afternoon.

I knew Cato was competitive. It is part of the reason he has achieved so much so young but today's competition was personal. I have never seen him compete with so much jealousy and pride. He has never been this unattractive to me.

And Peeta. I didn't think he had it in him to be brought down to that level. He is the consistent people pleaser. He normally just shrugs off people's petty jealousies but Cato dragged him right down with him.

Neither man acted like the person I fell in love with.

After a couple of hours of being left alone there is a gentle knock on the front door. I scowl as I roll off my bed and stomp down the stairs to answer it. My mood has only soured more and I really don't want to handle people right now.

I wrench the door open with a fierce scowl hoping to scare the guest away. However when I open the door I find Peeta standing in my doorway with a pastry box and an apologetic smile.

"It's my turn to make a peace offering," he says while holding up the medium sized cardboard box. "Cheese buns."

My stomach immediately rumbles when I catch the fresh cheesy smell of the bread. They must have just come out of the oven. I am suddenly ravenous and can't resist the lure of the cheesy treat.

I take a deep sigh before I reach out to grab the box off Peeta and step aside to let him in.

"You know your mom already gave me some at the carnival," I say as I put the box down on the table.

I pop open the lid and carefully inspect the six perfectly shaped golden buns with cheese grated on top. I squeeze a couple in my hand before deciding which one to eat first and taking it out of the box. Peeta is standing with an amused smile on his face as I turn back around taking the first bite of the bun. I have to bite my lip to stop myself from moaning in approval as the bread falls apart in my mouth. I'm still pissed and I won't give Peeta the satisfaction of knowing how much I'm enjoying them.

"Mom practically shoved the ingredients in my hands. She said I needed to make amends pronto. I haven't had such a telling off from her since that time she caught us finger painting the wallpaper in her bedroom," he replies.

I can imagine Carolyn giving Peeta a right telling off for his behaviour this afternoon. She is a stickler for good manners and her son didn't behave gentlemanly today. It is a little comforting to know after everything I have done to her youngest son she is still willing to defend me when he is being an ass.

"I came here to apologise. I'm sorry for the way I behaved today. I never meant to embarrass you and I certainly didn't want to make you feel like some sort of prize. I know you hate that. You're the most independent person I know and I'm sorry that we made you feel like a trophy we could claim," he says.

I gulp down the bit of cheese bun I am chewing and my features soften after his words. He looks genuinely sorry and I know the old Peeta would have been mortified if he thought he hurt me in any way. I appreciate him making the effort to make amends. It is more than Cato has done yet at any rate.

I wipe the crumbs from around my mouth as I think carefully about what I am going to say next. I don't want to get into another argument.

"Thank you. I know how hard it can be to apologise," I reply.

Peeta laughs.

"No kidding. Rye is still waiting for your apology for tearing the heads off his Power Rangers figurines," Peeta says with a grin.

"He started it! He pulled the stuffing out of my favourite teddy bear!" I reply.

Peeta just laughs and the sound calms me. I relax my shoulders and share a laugh with him.

"I should have known better than to let my male pride get in the way of everything else. I guess I just didn't like the fact he was insinuating that everything has changed about you. I like to think that there are still some parts of you that are the same. Though it is still no excuse for acting like a man child this afternoon," he says.

I look back at him with a sad smile. The truth is that so much about me has changed. I have tried so hard to remove all the small town parts of me and I am very different to the young girl that left this town. But as I stand looking at the person who was such a big part of that girl I become a little sad. Not everything about her was bad.

"A lot has changed since I left here," I reply.

Peeta nods his head in understanding.

"Yes. But I still think you're essentially the same girl who is constantly seeking out adventure and wanting to try new things," Peeta replies.

Even after all this time he still knows me. Through all the changed drink preferences and recreational activities, he still understands what makes me tick. Just as I still understand he likes the comfort and familiarity of this town and would never want to leave here.

"Thanks for the cheese buns," I say as I try to steer the conversation away.

Things are becoming too personal. I don't want to delve into all that has happened since I left.

Peeta gives me a smile.

"Like I said. Some things about you haven't changed," he says.

I let myself share a small smile with him. I don't think my love of Mellark's cheese buns is ever going to change. I found something similar in New York once but it didn't taste the same. I think it was because the baker didn't put in same level of care and devotion. The Mellarks always put the greatest care into making their food.

"I guess I'll see you at the christening tomorrow. Rye said he's invited you," Peeta says.

I had totally forgotten about the christening. I feel even more awkward about attending after what happened today. I know everyone will be talking about it tomorrow and Cato comments about how I hate Panem are rightfully not going to endear me to anyone. I don't spoil their day by it becoming all about me.

"Yeah. I said I would go. That's if you don't find it too weird about me coming," I say.

Peeta stares back at me and shrugs his shoulders.

"I won't lie and say it's not going to be a little strange seeing you there, but I know Rye was like a brother to you and if he wants you there that's up to him," he replies.

"I won't go if you don't want me there. I don't want things to be awkward," I say.

Peeta pauses as he looks at me carefully.

"You should come. My family misses you. I mean you practically lived half of your life at ours growing up and I know Mom found it hard this last week having you back but not being close with you. It'd really mean a lot to them if you came," he says.

My heart clenches. The Mellarks were part of my family for so long. The one thing I have realised since I got back here is that I miss the feeling of having a family. Cato's family aren't close in New York and I see my parents once a year. It makes me want to create something like that back in New York. There is something so comforting being surrounded by loved ones.

"I'll be there," I reply.

Peeta gives me a small smile.

"Good. Bring Cato too. I know he's important to you," he says.

I smile at him sadly. He is treating me better than I deserve now. It can't be easy for him to see me with another man.

I nod my head and smile at him one last time before stepping around him to let him out. Peeta smiles at me as he walks through the door and goes down the steps. He stops and turns to give me a small wave before setting off in the direction of his house. A heaviness weighs on my heart as I watch him go.

Cato appears not long after Peeta has left clutching a bunch of rather drooping looking wild flowers in his hands.

"I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean to embarrass you. I know you hate being the centre of attention," he says.

For the second time today I sigh and accept the apology gift off the man. Cato follows me into the kitchen and watches me fill a vase to put the flowers in. I don't say anything as I compose myself but Cato gets impatient as he waits for a reply and steps forward to turn me towards him.

"I was a jealous idiot. I didn't mean it. I've just never had to meet one of your exes before and I handled it badly," he says.

"You think? Cato, why are you even jealous of him? Things have been over between Peeta and me for a long time. I don't feel that way about him anymore. It's you I love now," I say.

"I know but you have to remember that you never told me about him! My insecurities tell me that you didn't because you still have feelings for him and it's hard to fight that when I hear him tell me all these things he knows about you," Cato says.

He reaches out to take my hand and links our fingers together before rubbing his thumb across my knuckles. I sigh as I look down at our joined hands. I guess I haven't made things easier by keeping Peeta from Cato. I probably would think the same if the situation was reversed.

"I love you and I didn't mean to hurt you today," he says.

His eyes are a little scared as he looks down at me. It is the most vulnerable I have ever seen him. He's scared of losing me. To Peeta. And he has just gone about it the wrong way.

I smile softly as I reach a hand up to gently caress his cheek.

"I love you. I promise. Just don't act like that again," I say.

Cato lets out a visible sigh of relief as he leans his head down to rest against mine.

"I promise. I'm sorry," he says placing a soft kiss on my lips.

As he pulls back and tucks a strand of hair behind my ear a cheeky grins spread across his face.

"I guess this means I have a lot of making up to do tonight," he says with a suggestive smile.

I smile and playfully push him on the shoulder.

"That's your answer for everything. Sex makes everything better," I reply.

Cato just grins again as he wraps his arms around me.

"I've never heard you complain before, Miss Everdeen," he says as I let him begin placing soft wet kisses down my neck.

I don't tell him to stop.

The next day the sun is shining bright in the sky as the whole town makes its way down to the simple white church for Rye's daughter's christening. As the white washed walls and strong metal cross on top come into view my mind drifts back to a different day and a different type of celebration. A day were I wore my mother's simple white wedding dress and a pair of sparkling sapphire blue eyes were waiting for me at the end of the aisle.

I compare that day with what I am already planning with Cato. There will be no church this time. It will probably be on a beach somewhere in the South Pacific and I'll be wearing a dress that costs half my dad's annual salary. How did I fall in love with two men that are so completely different?

But I shake my head of these thoughts. I haven't thought about these things in years. I can only assume it is seeing Peeta again that has brought all these memories blazing back.

Peeta is standing at the front of the church in an old white shirt and navy tie. He smiles broadly as he hands out the order of service and laughs jovially with the guests. It doesn't matter if it is little ninety year old Mrs Hawthorne or six year old Jason Andrews, he gets a smile and a laugh out of everyone. He gives me a small wave when I approach and I return it with a smile. As Cato and I walk past Leevy makes her way towards Peeta and they share a bright smile as she gently touches his elbow and begins helping him hand out the bits of paper. My heart twinges slightly at the sight.

Cato squeezes my hand a bit tighter when he sees Peeta but loosens his hold when I turn to give a look to say "don't be jealous". He looks a bit guilty for still being jealous but he does manage to give Peeta a forced smile as we make our way past.

I get a few dirty looks and angry whispers as we walk through and I regret that the town found out my dislike for it yesterday. They are all happy with their life and I can't begrudge them that just because I don't agree with it. I will have some apologies to make today before I leave. But for now I don't want to dwell on the events of yesterday. Today is about Rye, his wife and his children. The town may want to talk about what happened at the carnival but I am determined to enjoy this day for them.

Most of the Mellarks are milling about the grassy verge in front of the church. Their golden hair shines in the sun and their smiles are wide enough to reach to the moon. Rye's wife, Violet, holds their four month old daughter in her ridiculous long and frilly christening gown. Both she and Rye smile fondly down at the baby while their elder daughter looks a little put out by the fact she has to wear a dress. Carolyn bends over to convince her that the dress stays on, at least for the ceremony, but Daisy is clearly irritated by it and runs off to make the dress as muddy as possible.

Rye smiles brightly at my family as we approach. I am aware of Bran's frown, but one look from his mother is enough to stop him saying anything.

Rye pulls me into a big hug and squishes me to his chest.

"I'm so glad you made it. It felt like someone was missing when we christened Daisy," he says.

I shake my head at him as I pull away and Cato sticks out his hand to offer his congratulations.

"Nice to properly meet you. You and Peeta gave us quite a show yesterday afternoon," Rye says taking Cato's hand.

Cato looks down embarrassed and rubs his hand along the back of his neck.

"I'm sorry about that. I didn't endear myself to you all yesterday. I didn't mean to insult you all by saying Katniss hated this town," Cato replies.

"Didn't offend me in the slightest. Best entertainment I've 'ad in a long time. It's always good to see an appearance of incensed Peeta. It's good to have reminders that my little brother isn't as perfect as we all think. Though the rest of the town does seem pretty pissed. Be prepared for some passive aggression today," Rye says.

Cato and I both nod our heads and I begin mentally preparing my apologies before I turn to look at the little girl who is getting baptised in a few short moments.

The outfit she wears is ridiculous. Full of lace and gauze that almost reach down to the floor. The bonnet is too big for her head and keeps slipping down into her eyes causing her to squeal. Violet has to keep straightening it and cooing to her daughter to get her to calm down.

"I always knew your fashion sense was bad, Rye but there should be a law against making your daughter wear that," I say.

Carolyn, who has finally convinced Daisy to wrangle Daisy in, straightens up with a smile.

"I'll have y'all know that this is a Mellark family heirloom. All the boys got christened in this gown," she says.

I stifle a laugh as Rye turns to his mom with wide eyes.

"And I thought, Mother, that we made a deal to burn those photos and never speak of it again," Rye says.

Carolyn just smiles secretively back at him before her attention is pulled away by another guest. I laugh again as I see Rye's mortified look. I can't believe I didn't know about this when I was younger. I would definitely have used it as ammunition against all three Mellark boys.

"You breathe a word of this to anyone, Everdeen, and I tell Haymitch Abernathy that it was you that set his geese loose," he says pointing a finger at me.

"You wouldn't dare," I say narrowing my eyes at him.

"Don't underestimate the lengths I will go to protect that secret," he says.

I raise my eyebrows at him and he grins. I sigh and shake my head realising that even after nine years and two kids Rye Mellark has not changed one bit.

Cato has been standing slightly awkwardly during my conversation with Rye. He's not familiar with this type of family teasing and isn't quite sure where he fits in with it all. I turn to him with a reassuring smile and he gives me one back before Daisy bumps into his legs as she tries to run away from Carolyn. Cato scowls a little as he looks down at the five year old girl but Daisy just dashes off with only the briefest apology.

Soon the minister is coming out to usher everyone in and Rye and his family leave mine to take their places inside the church. I turn to smile at Cato as we follow my parents inside. I notice a contemplative look on his face as we go in.

"You were really close with the Mellarks. You treat Rye like an older brother," he says.

I shrug my shoulders.

"I spent a lot of time at theirs growing up even before Peeta and I started dating. They were like my extended family," I reply.

Cato bobs his head in understanding.

"It's strange seeing all these different sides of you," he says as take our seats.

I turn to him with a frown wanting to question him more about that statement but am unable to as the minister is asking for silence.

The christening itself is embedded in with the usual Sunday morning church service so there are the traditional hymns and sermons and I can sense Cato getting bored beside me. But the rest of the audience listens with rapt attention and I have to stop myself from yawning too obviously throughout.

Thankfully the end of the usual service comes and the christening element commences. Rye and Violet carefully bring their daughter to the font of water with beaming smiles. Rye gets a laugh out of everyone as he pretends to drop Molly into the font. Violet rolls her eyes at her husband as the godmother and godfather follow behind.

My chest tightens when I see Peeta get up off his seat as he takes his place beside his brother as godfather. I wasn't expecting to see him up there. He leans forward to gives his niece a fond smile and keeps his eyes on her the entire time the minister is talking and drawing the water cross on her head. Once the water is placed on the head Rye turns to hand Peeta his daughter so Peeta can make his promises as her godfather.

My heart tightens further as I watch Peeta gently cradle the baby in his arms. I find it difficult to breathe as I see the little girl stare up at her uncle in fascination as he pulls silly faces at her. The sight of seeing Peeta smiling adoringly down at a child is forcing me to remember things I promised myself never to think of.

Peeta has always been so good with children. He was sneaking the toddlers cookies when we were back in high school. He is always going to love his own child greatly and will be a fantastic dad. Seeing him hold Molly only reinforces this fact in my mind. Being good with children just comes so naturally to him.

It reminds me he was denied that chance when I lost the baby. Images start to flood through my head of what he would have been like if our baby survived. These images are full of laughter, smiles and him rolling about the carpet.

I start to breathe heavily and sweat begins to gather on my forehead as I try and force these images out of my head. I forbid myself to ever think about the baby if it had lived. It is just too hard. But I am powerless to stop them as I carry on watching Peeta holding his niece with a look full of love. Our baby would have been the most loved baby if it had survived.

Cato senses my discomfort and turns to me with a confused frown. I just shake my head as I drag my eyes away from Peeta holding Molly.

"I'm fine. Just hot," I say fanning my face.

Cato doesn't look convinced but I let out a sigh of relief when I hear the minister announcing the christening complete and I see Peeta hand the baby back to his brother. I didn't expect the sight of Peeta with a child to affect me so much.

I am left a little shaken after the service and try to avoid looking at Peeta at all costs, as he coos at his niece. It's made even worse when Leevy joins him, placing a hand on his shoulder and bending down so they can both pull faces at Molly. Every small glimpse I get of him with Molly makes my stomach tie into knots and I count down the minutes before it is acceptable enough for me to leave.

I distract myself by trying to make amends with the townspeople of Panem. Many turn their backs to me as I go up to apologise and I overhear many whispers of how I shouldn't have come. But both Cato and I preserver and apologise for any insult his words may have caused them. I reassure them that being back has made me realise that there are still good things in Panem. It is slow going and some are still wary but everyone feels better about the situation after. It makes me realise that I didn't hate everything here and that maybe my determination to forget all about it had a lot more to do with something else.

After half an hour I have apologised to much of the town and am ready to leave but we are prevented when Carolyn intercepts us. She gives me a warm smile and hug holding my arms slightly even after she's pulled away.

"Thank you so much for coming. It really means a lot to the whole family," she says.

I give her a weak smile as my eyes briefly flit over to Peeta where he stands with Molly, waving her hands in the air to make her dance along with the soft music playing. There's another tug on my heart before I turn away to try and focus on Carolyn.

After Peeta spoke to me yesterday I feel guilty about not spending more time with her this week. She was a second mother to me as I grew up and was even the person who taught me to ride a horse. Her calm demeanour often made it easier to go to her with my problems than my own mom. But I am not sure what our relationship can be now.

"I hope my presence hasn't ruined the day for anyone," I say my eyes flicking over to a scowling Bran.

Carolyn follows my gaze and smiles sadly when she spots Bran. She lets out a sad sigh.

"He's just being a protective big brother. I can't blame him for that but we all need to move on," she says.

Her eyes then turn to Cato and she gives him a friendly grin.

"It is nice to meet you properly, Cato. I'm Carolyn Mellark, grandmother today and one of the people tasked with making sure Katniss didn't get into too much trouble when she was a little grasshopper," she says.

She offers her hand out for Cato to shake and he accepts it readily.

"Nice to meet you too. I hoped to make a better first impression. I'm sorry for the way I behaved yesterday," he replies and Carolyn smiles kindly at him. "I haven't been to a christening before. It was a lovely ceremony."

Carolyn beams proudly as her eyes sweep to look over at Bran's kids playing with their cousin Daisy.

"I'm glad you enjoyed it. It's my fifth christening now as grandmother. Not sure how many more I'll get. Peeta is certainly in no hurry to give me any more," she says.

My heart clenches again and Cato tenses at the sound of Peeta's name. I just want to forget him and any kids he might have.

Carolyn doesn't sense our discomfort over her comment and just gives us both a coy grin.

"Though it won't be long now before you're having kids of your own," she says.

I let out an awkward laugh finding it strange to be discussing this with her. For so long we all thought my children would be her grandchildren too. And she doesn't even know about the baby I lost.

Cato laughs too and stands up straighter.

"Oh that won't be happening in the next five years. There is still too much to see and do before that," he replies.

I am shocked by his words. He wants to wait five years? I had thought we would be having our first child in a couple years' time. Carolyn raises her eyebrows in surprise. Most people have their first child within the first year of marriage in this town. It is strange for her to hear people wanting to wait. And I am equally shocked too. I thought Cato and I were heading toward children soon after the wedding. The shock is apparent on my face when I look at him.

"You want to wait that long?" I ask.

Cato frowns as he turns to look at me.

"Well, yeah. I want to enjoy marriage before we have a kid and we won't be able to go travelling like we do now once we have one. There is so much I want to see before we settle down," he replies.

I shake my head at him confused. Yes, I love to travel and I realise that our travelling habits will have to change once we have children but we have travelled so much the last four years. I thought this marriage was us agreeing to slow things and settle down.

"I just didn't realise you wanted to wait that long. I don't really want to be too old before we start having them. I want to enjoy my time with my kids and don't want to be forty by the time we have our last one," I say.

Cato visibly recoils at my last statement. His eyebrows furrow even further as he looks at me confused.

"Kids? As in more than one? Why would you want more than that? We are both only children and were perfectly happy growing up," he says.

Carolyn stands awkwardly to the side of us watching the whole uncomfortable situation. She looks mortified at having brought up the discussion and seems unsure what to do.

I am just amazed. How did I not know this about Cato? He wants one child. I didn't realise our plans are so different. We have always been on the same page before.

"Yes, I'm an only child but there was a reason I spent so much time at the Mellarks growing up. Bran and Rye were like my surrogate brothers and I loved all the teasing and camaraderie that came with that. I want that for my family," I reply.

Cato stares like he has seen me in a new light. He shakes his head confused.

"I didn't realise that's what you wanted," he says.

"I didn't realise you didn't want that," I reply.

We stand stuck staring at each other trying to digest this new information. This is a pretty big thing to disagree on. We should have talked about this before. I know I am not going to change my mind and I'm not sure Cato is willing to either.

Carolyn looks between us with a regretful look.

"Well, I better go and check on the refreshments. People in this town get real angsty if the beer runs out," she says trying to remove herself from the situation.

She stops and pauses before turning to walk away. She gives us one last sympathetic look before speaking again.

"I'll leave you two to talk. I think you have a lot to sort out," she says.

She smiles sadly at us both before rushing off to the refreshment table to top up the drinks.

Cato and I are still frozen in shock wondering how we have come so far without discovering these facts about each other.

We make our excuses soon after. Rye makes a noise of protest at our leaving but my brain is too full of thoughts about what Cato has said to even feel guilty.

Neither of us speak on the way home and Cato follows me silently up to my old bedroom once we have stepped into my parents' house. He closes the door gently behind him as I turn round to face him with a million questions running through my head.

"We need to talk," I say. "About all that stuff you said at the christening."

Cato's face looks pained. He knows this is going to be a difficult conversation.

"Explain to me. How exactly do you see our life together going forward because it turns out it is very different from what I had in mind," I say.

Cato lets out a weary sigh as he runs a hand through his short hair and sits down on the bed. He turns to look at me with a stressed look.

"We wait at least five years. We have one kid. We'll hire a nanny and once he's old enough we'll send him to boarding school so we can still have the life we are accustomed to. It's what my parents did with me and it worked," he says.

My heart drops to the bottom of my chest. I take a deep breath as I fist my hand in the front of my shirt.

"I don't want that. Why bother having a child at all if you are just going to pawn it off for someone else to look after?" I say.

"I don't want a child to burden me. You love travelling and adventure as much as I do. We can't do that with a kid," he stresses.

I shake my head at him. How can he see children as a burden? They are a gift. Something to love and treasure for the rest of your life.

"But having children is an adventure. Yes, we might not be able to trek through Nepal but it doesn't mean we can't go on adventures with them. They will just be a little smaller. Trips to Disney Land and scouring beaches for coloured sea glass," I reply passionately.

"I don't want children to become the centre of my life. I still want to enjoy life and not worry about taking them to soccer practises and drama club," he says.

The sinking feeling in my chest gets worse. He is staring at me intensely trying to get me to see sense and agree with him. But I can't. I realised nine years ago how precious a child's life is. I won't have my child grow up spending more time with the nanny than me.

I shake my head at Cato as I try to keep my emotions in check. I prepare myself to tell him my last secret. The only thing that might make him see my point of view.

"I had a miscarriage," I admit. "When I was nineteen."

This shocks Cato and he moves back away from me. I smile at him sadly as I get ready to explain why I want to raise my child a different way.

"I was only a few weeks gone and totally in the wrong place to raise a child but it made me realise how precious a child's life is. I didn't know what to do when I found out. It was only after I lost it that I realised how much I loved it and how much I wanted it. I promised myself that the next time I fell pregnant I would be in a much better place and I would love that baby so much treating it like the most precious thing in the world."

"I want to be an active participant in my child's life. I want to be there for every milestone, school concert and sports match. I want to create a loving family unit where we argue who gets to eat the last pancake on a Sunday morning. My children will always come first," I say.

Cato grows solemn as he listens to my words. He's realised how strongly I feel about this.

"How did we not know this already?" Cato asks sighing in defeat.

I shrug my shoulders.

"We never asked," I reply.

Cato bobs his head in agreement before turning to look at me again.

"I won't change my mind on this. I don't want more than one and I don't want my world to revolve around my child," he says.

"You might change your mind once you have a child. I don't think you can understand the bonds of parental love," I say.

Cato shakes his head fiercely.

"No. I'm too much like my father in that way. I'm never going to be the dad that is running about chasing his kid and building blanket forts with them," he says. "Will you change your mind?"

He looks up at me with still some hope left. He is desperate for me to change my mind.

But I can't.

"No," I reply.

Disappointment floods his face before he smiles weakly and nods like he already knew my answer. My heart clenches as I watch him turn away and look down solemnly.

"We have a problem," I admit almost choking on the words.

I can't believe things are coming to this. He's been my life for the last four years. I've seen the world with him. I love him. But it's not enough.

Cato raises his head to look at me sadly. The threat of tears shimmering in his eyes.

"We can't get married," he states.

I suck in a shuddering breath as I look at him straight in the eye.

"No," I reply.

A/N: A lot of emotions flowing in this chapter and it marks the end of this part of the story. Everlark fans will be eager to know that there is a lot more K&P from here on out. But don't expect things to happen quickly.

Some people may be surprised that Cato and Katniss have never talked about kids already but there is a specific reason for it. This will be explained more in the next chapter.

Thanks again to my beta, LavenderVanilla. She's a great help tidying this all up and making is presentable.