A/N: Thanks to everyone that continues to support this story. I know a lot of you are excited for more Everlark now. I hope you enjoy their reconnection.
I massive thank you to my Beta, LavendarVanilla, who really helped me sort out the start of this chapter. She writes Everlark too so if you have time check her stories out.
Chapter 10
The kitchen is filled with sweet smells as Mom and I tinker about in it. I'm really trying to make an effort with her and asked her to show me how to cook some of my favourite dishes. She's helping me put a recipe book together for when I go back to New York. It's a nice little distraction from the dull ache in my heart. However a message on my cell phone forces me back to reality.
Johanna said she'll pick up some of your stuff so you have something when you get back.
It's from Cato and my heart sinks at the formality of the text. We've hardly spoken in the two days since he has left and I hate the stiffness in our messages. Now memories threaten to invade my mind again. A thousand Kodak moments when I was in awe of what we were seeing and experiencing. I mourn the friend I lost.
Mom watches me carefully as she sees me sigh while I type out my reply. As soon as she is finished stirring the stew she comes up to me and wipes a bit of flour off my nose.
"Finish up for now. I've got the rest. You need to get out and clear your head. Distraction is only going to work for so long," she says.
I give her a weak smile and nod my head.
"I could do with a ride. My brain is too full of thoughts," I reply.
Mom nods her head in agreement. She and Dad have been fantastic at knowing when to give me space and when to force me to talk about it. I can't imagine going through this alone in New York. I reach up to give Mom a kiss on the cheek before untying my apron and heading out into the hot summer air.
I head towards the Donners' farm and immediately relax when I see Sampson and he gobbles a sugar cube out of my hand. It doesn't take long for me to saddle him up and gallop off, leaving the stables behind me.
There is just something about the feeling of a horse cantering underneath me. I love the feeling of the warm air rushing past me as the trees and bushes blur into one. It's freeing and empowering and everything else just seems to just disappear when it is just me and Sampson riding along the well-worn trails. I would ride every minute of my stay here if I thought it was possible.
I don't have a destination in mind. I roam the acres of Panem countryside and rediscover some lost joys such as the meadow filled with ever wild flower imaginable and the tumbling waterfall with the rope swing. I empty my head and just let my heart take me wherever it feels like. I suppose with this philosophy I was bound to end up at the water tower. It was the place Peeta and I were always drawn to. My heart was bound to remember its way back here.
Because Cato isn't the only man I have thought about these two days. I think of Peeta too.
The dinner we shared at the Hawthrones' has warmed my heart and given me hope that we can leave each other on good terms. I've started to remember the good points of our friendship. He has a way to make me smile and laugh and see the beauty in things.
And I also feel the prickle of heat Peeta left on my skin whenever I catch myself thinking about his smile. The glimpses I have had of him in town have always caused butterflies to tumble about in my stomach. This scares me because all I want to be is his friend again and I just can't figure out if it means anything more.
It is hard enough having to accept my relationship with Cato is over without having to analyse these new, yet familiar, feelings that seem to appear when Peeta is near. I don't want to spoil the tentative friendship we seemed to have formed.
But I can't escape the fact my heart has taken me back here again. I sit atop of Sampson with the reins gripped tightly in my hand as I look up at the old and rusty water source. It is amazing it is still standing really. It was creaking and groaning back when we were in high school. I am sure it is breaking at least a dozen health and safety rules.
I should just turn back and go. I went riding to forget and it has led me to a place full of memories.
But as I continue to look up at it a strong sense of longing to climb up those rickety ladders overcomes me. My fingers itch out to grasp hold of the warm metal once again. It does have the best view in the whole of Panem.
Deciding to stop second guessing myself, I swing my leg round and jump off Sampson. He exhales gently as I take his reigns and lead him so I can tether him to one of the legs of the water tower. I stroke his neck once I have tied him securely and look up once again at the tower. I smile at the prospect at what awaits for me at the top.
I leave Sampson silently grazing on the grass and take a step towards the ladder. I study it for a moment before reaching out a hand to clasp the first rung. An early memory resurfaces as I can clearly hear Peeta's reservations about climbing the thing for the first time.
We were only eight and it was considered only safe enough for the bravest of high schoolers to dare to climb but I always hated being told what to do and was determined that I was brave enough to climb the rusty thing. Peeta had been a lot more reluctant and had voiced many concerns about us falling off and getting hurt. I had only told him to stop being a baby and dared him to climb the whole thing. He hated to look bad in front of me so took a deep breath as he unsteadily began climbing the rungs. We both made it to the top safely and the view of Panem was enough to make even Peeta forget all his fears. It became our place from that moment. It was the place we would go to whisper all our secrets and try to make sense of the world.
I smile at the memory as I begin to climb. This is a safe place for me. Maybe it can help me sort out my problems now.
I climb the ladder quickly and I am only a little out of breath as my hand grasps onto the edge of the platform to haul myself up onto the ledge. I stand slowly as I turn to face the view of the town I spent all my childhood growing up in.
I forgot just how good Panem looks from this vantage point. The wide expanse of land that goes for miles until it reaches pine forests in the south. The rich farms that are full of life and colour. The sparkling tops of the roofs as the sun bounces off them. A lone tractor chugging along on the horizon. It looks even more spectacular when the sun sets. I suddenly wonder if Peeta has ever come up here with his paintbrush to capture the image. I know it is one I could look at forever.
I take a seat on the platform and hang my legs over the edge. I grip the edge of the platform as I lean forward slightly and fully take in the view in front of me. For a moment that is all I think about.
But I soon break my gaze from the acres of farmland to turn and look up at the old water container. As I do so my eyes catch sight of a pair of initials scratched into the warm metal; K+P surrounded by a love heart. My fingers reach out to trace the letters as I smile sadly at the sight.
Peeta had insisted that he carved them into the metal even though I thought it was very corny. But he was adamant that we leave some permanent reminder to mark this most momentous day.
That day, October 3rd 2004, was the day I agreed to marry him. Up on the water tower he had presented me with a simple ring, told me he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. There was no fanfare. No over the top gestures. No big long speech about how our love would be eternal. Just a simple question that I couldn't say no to. Even if it was for all the wrong reasons.
I sniff back a tear as I remember the look of pure joy on his face when I said yes. I had giggled as he pushed me back against the tower to kiss me. I honestly thought marrying him would make everything else alright.
I turn back round to face the horizon and realise just how much I have achieved since I was that naïve young girl. I used to spend hours up here, looking out on the horizon and dreaming about all the places that lay beyond it. And now I have actually seen them. Experienced and challenged myself to do things that seemed so unlikely back then.
I got out and lived my life. Built a life in New York that is always busy and keeping me on my toes. A life that never lets me get bored. That young girl I was would be so happy to know that. She'd be happy to know I have achieved all the things I have set myself so far. I just don't think she would have been happy to know it happened all without Peeta.
I arrive back at the stables in the late afternoon and having spent the rest of the day up at the water tower contemplating all the changes in my life since I last went there. I don't regret leaving and am proud of everything I have achieved as a result but I am a little mournful over the relationships I strained as a result. My parents. Madge and Gale. The Mellarks. These are all people I have cared about and I have neglected them badly these last few years. They have been too nice to me since I got back and I will need to do a lot to make it up to them.
My mission to go riding to forget has failed miserably and I sigh heavily as I get off Sampson. I am unsure if I feel better or worse after my trip down memory lane.
And it seems God is intent on making me remember today because Rye Mellark is standing in the entrance of the stables as he tries to wrestle a riding helmet onto his five year old daughter's head.
"Damn it, Daisy! You can't go riding without a helmet on!" he exclaims.
"But, Daddy! Cowgirls don't wear helmets!" the little blonde girl exclaims.
Rye huffs in exasperation as his daughter stomps her foot and shakes her head stubbornly. I smile as I walk Sampson into the stable and begin to unsaddle him. Rye turns to look at me as I walk past and narrows his eyes at me.
"I'm glad that you find my pain amusing," he says.
I let out a light laugh as I turn to look at him and hang up Sampson's saddle.
"It's amusing to see someone even more stubborn than you," I reply with a grin.
Rye grins back at me again as Daisy abandons the helmet and rushes off to look at the horses.
"I'd like to see you do any better," Rye challenges me.
I raise my eyebrows in slight surprise but readily accept his challenge. I hate to be beaten by Rye at anything. I unbridle Sampson and give him a pat on the neck before making my way over to Rye.
"Challenge accepted," I say with a confident look in my eyes.
"Be my guest," Rye replies sticking his hand to offer up his daughter.
My eyes immediately find the little blonde girl with scrapes on her knees and tangles in her hair as she tries to clamber on top of a bucket to reach the horses. I smile at her determination and courage as she stands a little unsteadily on top of the bucket and reaches out to pat the horse on the head. The delight in her eyes reminds me of how I felt when I was a child. I was giddy with excitement the first time I was taken out riding and I can tell Daisy is as eager to learn as well.
I take a deep breath before I make my way over to her and gently tap her on the shoulder. She turns to me with big curious blue eyes and scrunches her small eyebrows up in confusion when she sees me.
"Hello. I'm Katniss. I'm an old friend of your dad's. He tells me you want to start riding," I say.
The girl continues to look at me curiously. She can't have met many strangers in Panem.
"You're the lady that had a fight with Uncle Peeta at the carnival," she finally says.
My heart stops at the mention of his name. I am a little ashamed that she remembers me from that. It was not a good moment.
"Your Uncle Peeta was being a little silly but we've made up now," I say.
Daisy shrugs her shoulders before she turns back round to pet the horse.
"Uncle Peeta is silly. He says that elves live the woods to make sure all the flowers grow but I have never ever seen a single one!" she replies.
I smile at the thought of Peeta making up stories for his nieces and nephews. I bet he lets his imagination run wild whenever he spends time with them.
"Yeah. He's not very clever but he does make good cakes," I say.
Daisy turns her head back around and nods her head enthusiastically.
"His cakes are the yummiest! My favourite is the strawberry shortcake!" she exclaims.
I laugh at her enthusiasm and think of how I can use this little bonding moment to work to my advantage. I crouch down so I am eye level with her and look at her with a warm smile.
"I may not be able to make cakes like your Uncle Peeta but I know really cool stories about cowgirls," I say.
Daisy's eyes widen in excitement and she leans in closer to me.
"I love cowgirls! I'm going to be the bestest cowgirl in the world when I grow up!" she replies.
"Are you?" I say. "Well you better know the story of Cowgirl Jesse. She was the biggest and baddest cowgirl in all of Alabama and she had this special riding helmet that would keep her safe from all the baddies. It had special powers you see and it made sure that no bow and arrow or pistol would ever hit her. It even made her better at lassoing the baddies together."
Daisy's eyes widen in awe before they flick over to the discarded riding helmet lying on the stable floor. Rye is watching us carefully as Daisy bites her bottom lip and contemplates what I have just said.
"I thought cowgirls didn't wear helmets," Daisy says.
"Only the coolest ones do. In fact the one time Jesse didn't wear her helmet she got shot in the arm and almost got captured by the baddies. She never forgot to wear it again," I say.
Daisy looks back towards the riding helmet. She's clearly in a dilemma about whether to wear the helmet or not.
She stares at the helmet for a long time before slowly hopping down off the bucket and walking towards it. She picks up the helmet and inspects it carefully before finally raising her hands and carefully putting it on her head. She turns back round to me with questioning eyes.
"Do you think if I wear this helmet I will be as good as Jesse?" she asks.
I smile broadly at her as I walk towards her and kneel in from of her. I gently gather the loose straps that hang down from the helmet and carefully secure them round her chin.
"Absolutely. You will be unstoppable wearing this hat," I say.
Daisy grins at me excitedly as she bounces up and down on the balls of her feet. Her eyes turn towards Rye and she rushes towards him with sheer delight.
"Look, Daddy! I am going to be the coolest cowgirl in the whole of Panem!" she exclaims as she runs into his arms.
Rye grimaces a little as he bends down to pick her up and rubs a hand against the small of his back as he straightens up. He shoots me a disbelieving look as Daisy jabbers on about how magic her helmet makes her and I give him a smug triumphant smile in return. I knew all it would take was some gentle persuasion to get Daisy to do what I want.
Rye shakes his head at me as Daisy carries on detailing all the things she is going to do now she is a proper cowgirl. I bask in my triumph at still being able to outdo Rye Mellark.
Daisy is soon jumping out of Rye's arms and rushing over to the small Shetland ponies, eager to start riding for herself. I smile at the sight and offer to teach her myself so Rye can get a little break from his very demanding five year old daughter. Any annoyance he felt towards me for being able to get Daisy to do what he couldn't disappears. He eagerly accepts my offer so he can sit and watch on the side lines while I am the one left to convince Daisy she has to learn how to walk before she can canter.
Daisy turns out to be just like her father; impatient and stubborn. She squeals with delight when I first secure her to the seat of the saddle but soon gets frustrated when I lead her slowly around the fenced training area. She insists that she can go faster and that I don't need to hold the rein but I am not taking any risks. As Cato proved, riding is no easy task.
She does prove to be a far more natural rider than Cato and by the end of the session she is able to move with the natural rocking rhythm of the horse. She has a proud smile on her face as we manage to walk around the entire training area without having to stop or me having to prevent the horse from going in the wrong direction.
My own heart swells with pride as I see how excited she is to be finally riding a horse. I was the one that was able to make that smile appear on her face. It feels good to be imparting some of my knowledge onto a young mind.
She moans when Rye tells her we have to stop and she has to get off the horse. However the sight of Mrs Donner appearing in the stables with homemade lemonade brightens her mood and she rushes over to get some. Rye sighs as he watches her go and comes over to help me unsaddle the little pony. Maysilee Donner keeps Daisy occupied as Rye helps me lead the pony back into the stable and fetches it a bucket of fresh water.
"She may look like Violet but her personality is all you. She's extremely stubborn and determined," I say.
Rye turns to me with a grin.
"Sounds like someone I know," he replies looking at me knowingly.
I scowl and elbow him in the ribs. He makes a small noise of discomfort as he rubs the area I hit before getting some fresh hay for the pony. He can never resist a small dig at me.
We lock the stall door securely as we leave the small pony munching on its treat and walk over to join Daisy. Maysilee smiles at us in greeting as she hands us both a glass of lemonade and we steer Daisy out into the field.
Daisy finishes off her lemonade before she finds a really short bit of rope and starts swinging it around her head pretending to be a fierce cowgirl lassoing all the baddies. Rye and I settle down on the grass as we watch her contentedly and sip on the cool lemonade.
Daisy is completely in her own world as she fights imaginary baddies and thinks up elaborate adventures. I guess Rye is right in some ways. She does remind me of myself when I was her age. I was always trying to find the next adventure even at that young age.
We sit quietly for a moment as we watch Daisy before Rye turns to me with a thankful smile.
"Thanks for teaching Daisy today. I thought your famous scowl would scare her off but you did okay," Rye says.
I scowl at him again and he laughs. He leans back on his hands as he looks out onto his daughter.
"It's been nice having you back. I forgot just how easy it is to tease you," he says.
"You still have Peeta and Bran to tease," I point out.
Rye grins wider as he shakes his head.
"Nah. They don't always play along. Bran is too serious and Peeta too good natured. You, not so much. If I was ever bored I knew I could find you and annoy you easily," he replies.
I shake my head at him.
"I'm glad I kept you so easily amused," I say sarcastically.
Rye laughs before his face slowly falls more serious.
"Seriously. I've missed you the last few years. Peeta wasn't the only one upset that you left," he says.
My heart clenches with guilt. I didn't want anyone upset with me leaving but I was not naïve enough to know that it wouldn't cause some pain. I guess I have been selfish and always focused on my own pain and not the pain of those I left behind.
I smile back at him sadly and wonder if I will ever not feel guilty about leaving when I am here. There always seems to be someone disappointed by my departure.
As if I needed another reminder of the pain I caused, Daisy stops her running about and her gaze fixes on a person who has just approached the field. She drops the bit of rope she is holding and her eyes light up.
"Uncle Peeta!" she shouts. "I'm a real proper cowgirl now!"
My eyes immediately snap round to lock onto Peeta's strong form as he approaches us. He gives me a kind smile when I turn and see him. The smile warms me inside.
Peeta gives a small wave to his brother before Daisy bounds her way up to him, flings her arms around his legs and begins telling him all about her adventures today. He bends down to give her a big hug before he pulls back and takes her hand to bring her over to Rye and I.
"That sounds so cool, Daisy. I can't believe you learned how to ride! You really are a big girl now," Peeta exclaims.
Daisy's eyes beam with pride at his words and it is clear that she loves her uncle very much. A twist of pain and longing appears in my heart as I am reminded of what a great father Peeta would have been. But I shake my head of that thought. That is the last thing I need to think about today.
"Katniss taught me," Daisy says. "She even told me all about Cowgirl Jesse and how she is the biggest and baddest cowgirl in the world! I'm going to be even bigger and badder than Jesse!"
Peeta chuckles as he takes a seat next to us. He sits closely next to me, his body almost brushing up against mine and goose bumps rise on my skin even in the hot summer air.
"Well you're really lucky. Katniss is the best rider in the whole of Panem. She's the best teacher you could have asked for," Peeta says.
I blush a little at Peeta's compliment. Even after knowing him so long I still get embarrassed when he praises me.
Daisy turns to me with her eyes wide.
"Are you really? You didn't tell me that!" she says.
I smile back at her.
"Only because I don't think I will be the best rider for much longer. You were so good out there today," I reply.
Daisy beams with pride before she turns back to Peeta to continue chattering on about her day. Peeta takes it all in his stride as he listens carefully to his niece and asks all the right questions in all the right places. He loves listening to every minute.
Daisy soon runs out of words to say and is back running around the field. Rye looks between Peeta and I, noting how close we sit together, before giving us a coy smile and standing up to declare he is going to play with Daisy. He leaves us alone as he runs to his daughter and catches her round the middle to tickle her until she shrieks with delight. Peeta and I both watch on smiling.
Eventually Peeta turns to face me.
"Sounds like you've had quite a day. You must have some serious super powers to convince her to wear that helmet. I've witnessed the battles she has with Rye and Violet over similar things," he says.
I shrug my shoulders with a smug smile on my face.
"What can I say? I have a natural gift," I reply.
Peeta chuckles.
"I remember at school you always thought you would be a terrible mother. You got so upset when you failed the flour baby project," he says.
"I would have passed that project if you hadn't used my baby as ingredients for a batch of your cookies!" I exclaim.
"You should have known better than to leave a bag of flour lying around a bakery!" Peeta counters.
"Rye was supposed to be babysitting!" I reply.
"And there lay your biggest mistake. What on earth made you think Rye was a reliable person to babysit?" Peeta says.
I narrow my eyes at him and we stare at each other for a few moments before both our faces break into grins and we begin laughing together.
"Okay. I was stupid to leave the baby with Rye. Clearly I wasn't ready to look after a sack of flour back then," I say once we have stopped laughing.
Peeta grins.
"You seem to being doing something right now. My niece is not so easily impressed," he says.
I smile back at him before we both turn to look at Rye and Daisy chasing each other about the field. They seem to be playing some sort of tag game as Daisy ducks under her father's legs to tap him on the side and then rushes off squealing with excitement. Peeta and I watch them in a comfortable silence as I am glad that the butterflies in my stomach don't seem to be making an appearance today. It is just nice to sit and enjoy his company again.
Peeta's face grows thoughtful as we continue to watch Daisy and Rye. After a long moment he turns to me with a question in his eyes.
"Do you ever think about our baby? What he or she would have been like if they had been born?" he asks.
The question takes all the air out of my breath and makes me want to crawl up into a ball to stop the pain from spreading. I pull my knees up to my chest and put my arms around them. Peeta watches me carefully as I shake my head.
"No," I say. "I don't let myself. It's too hard otherwise."
Peeta nods his head solemnly before he turns back round to look at Daisy. He doesn't say anything for a moment and I think he has finished this awful conversation. But then he opens his mouth to speak again.
"I do," he says.
My heart sinks into my chest. He's not finished.
"For some reason I always imagined it was a girl. She would be eight now and I would be scared that she was growing up too fast. She would have had your dark hair but my blue eyes and she would always be singing and dancing about the place," he says.
He's lost in deep thought as he goes into another world. My heart is beating rapidly and even though I don't want to imagine this I find I cannot move. A small smile appears on Peeta's face as he thinks about our imaginary daughter and then looks back at me.
"She'd be like Daisy, begging us to teach her how to ride just like us but I would be really over protective and make her wear as much padding and protection as possible. You of course would just laugh at me and tease me for being over cautious. You would convince me that she couldn't be safer with you teaching her. I can imagine the smile on her face the first time we took her out. It would be so big and genuine and I would be so proud to see it," he adds.
Tears gather in the corners of my eyes as he describes it. I can see it so clearly. The dancing girl with parents who loved her so much. I can feel my heart falling apart as I picture this idyllic life Peeta has created.
I want to hate him for making me imagine such things but I realise this is probably the first time he has ever talked to anyone about the baby. His family have welcomed me back too warmly for me to suspect he has ever told them about my miscarriage and Gale and Madge didn't know he knew. The only possibility is Bran but I think Bran's words would have been even harsher if he had known the full truth.
At least I had Madge in the months after I miscarried to cry down the phone to when the memory became all too much. Peeta has kept this secret for nine years. I don't know how he managed it all by himself. I can't get mad for him finally trying to talk about it with someone.
I gather up all my courage to talk to him.
"I wanted the baby. I wasn't sure at first but once it was gone, I knew. I knew I had wanted it and loved it," I say. Peeta gives me a sad smile. "I knew you would have been so happy to find out. You would have been the most fantastic dad. I'm sorry for everything and failing to keep your child safe."
A tear drops down from the corner of my eye and I really hope that Peeta gets that someday. A chance to have a child with a woman who loves him and who he loves with his entire being. Because if anyone deserves it, it is him.
I turn away to look back out on Daisy and Rye playing. I hate seeing the sadness in Peeta's eyes. As I sniff back a tear I feel a hand ghost over the top of mine and grip my fingers tightly, reassuring me that he understands as well.