Chapter 11
I dream of the baby again. But not the usual blood filled nightmares I have come to expect. No, this time I dream the baby survived. A dancing girl in a red dress and two braids down her back. She laughs and giggles as Peeta swings her about the air. A blond toddler appears with floppy curls and steel grey eyes. I sit with him on my lap as he holds on tightly to a stuffed bunny rabbit. The smiles on all our faces are so wide and I feel content as I watch the easy nature of it all. I feel so happy in this dream that I don't want to wake up.
It turns out these dreams are just a different kind of torture.
I wake with a smile on my face but it slowly disappears as reality takes hold. A sinking sensation appears in my chest and I feel something that I can only akin to longing. Longing for the life Peeta had so beautifully painted yesterday afternoon.
This stay in Panem seems to be one emotionally draining experience after another. I will be glad to be back in New York and away from all the painful memories.
Mom and Dad are both out when I eventually drag myself out of bed. Mom has left me a plate of bacon and eggs on the kitchen table and I smile at the small gesture. She always has my wellbeing at the centre of her mind. It makes me feel bad that I have been so dismissive towards my parents since I have been back. They may live a different life to mine but they are happy. I've been horrible by judging this town and the life they lead. I need to be more accepting.
I am only in town for five more days and I need to show my parents I still love and appreciate them. It is long overdue and I realise that my desperation to escape this town and my memories has made me a bad daughter. I can't leave without making things right.
I eat the breakfast quickly before grabbing a pen and paper and begin writing a list of items I will need to make them a nice dinner for tonight. I may not be the world's best cook but I can rustle up a semi-reasonable pasta bolognaise when I put my mind to it. Mom always does the cooking and she deserves a chance to put her feet up and have a fuss made over her for a change.
I walk to the main street of the town with the plans for my parents' dinner running through my head. I am determined to end my stay here on a positive note. I hum to myself as I walk with a slight spring in my step and ponder what sides I will serve with the meal tonight.
I get mince from the butcher and laugh with the grocer as I buy the onions and tomatoes for the sauce. I even stop and enjoy the small chit chat with the residents of Panem who stop me to console me about Cato or ask me about my plans for when I am back in New York. These people have been nothing but nice to me but I have spent the whole time judging them. It's the least I can do.
The bakery is the last stop on my rounds. I need some good fresh bread to serve with the dish tonight and I know the Mellarks make the best within a one hundred mile radius. I stop and pause outside the large glass windows as I gather my courage to go in. It seems a lifetime ago that I last stepped inside here. It feels strange to be doing so again.
The smells of the bakery are still as welcoming as ever though. The familiar smell of flour, cinnamon and sugar tickle my nostrils, creating a warm feeling in my chest and making my stomach grumble. In many ways it smells like home.
I spy Peeta working behind the counter as he jovially jokes with Sae. The joke must be particularly funny as Sae doubles over and playfully swots Peeta on the shoulder. They part with big smiles and Peeta even gives Sae a cheeky wink that has her laughing all over again before she turns to leave.
Sae spots me as she leaves the shop and looks at me with a knowing smile.
"Your boy in there certainly knows how to make an old lady feel young again. He's too charming for his own good sometimes. Though I bet he'd much prefer to be flirting with someone a lot younger and prettier," she says.
She winks at me and I blush at her comment. Peeta can't think of me like that anymore. Can he?
Sae gives me the same knowing smile that she gave me when she first came out. I turn my eyes to the ground wanting to avoid further conversation. I'm not completely oblivious. I know the town has been gossiping about me since Cato has left. They all seem to think it leads back to my fight with him and Peeta at the carnival. They think Peeta is the reason that my engagement ended. I hate to think people are talking and analysing my relationship with Peeta now. I know this trip to the bakery will probably start a whole new wave of speculation.
Sae finally walks away and I build up enough courage to push open the bakery door to enter it. Peeta looks up when he hears me and a pleasant smile spreads across his face. The butterflies jump about in my stomach and it makes me forget all about what Sae might be saying about us both now. I don't want to be ashamed with trying to be his friend again.
The smile on my face is relaxed and genuine as I walk up to Peeta to select the bread.
"Well this is a nice surprise," he says as I approach.
I smile at him in return.
"I'm cooking for Mom and Dad tonight and need some bread to go with my pasta bolognaise," I reply.
Peeta widens his eyes in mock surprise.
"I'll put the fire brigade on red alert for tonight then. There is nothing more dangerous than Katniss Everdeen beside a stove," he says playfully.
I scowl as I reach across to swot him on the arm.
"Not funny. It was one time when I forgot I had left bread in the toaster!" I reply.
Peeta chuckles as he rubs the spot I hit.
"Rye's right. You're too easy to wind up," he replies.
I shake my head at him.
"We're twenty-eight now. Aren't we supposed to be more mature than that?" I say.
Peeta grins as he leans in closer to me. There is a cheeky glint in his eyes and our noses are only inches away. I stare back at him challengingly as I try not to get lost in the blueness of his eyes. I forgot there are flecks of green in his otherwise brilliant blue eyes.
"There are events that occur in our life that are so embarrassing that we have to keep reminding each other of them," he replies.
He holds my stare for a long moment and I can feel my heartbeat pick up. His smell of cinnamon and dill is so strong and warming that I am in danger of getting lost in the memories. It reminds me of the first few months in New York when I lost sleep because I missed the smell around me at night.
But I am not about to concede defeat in this little staring contest that we seem to have gotten ourselves into so I push away all the memories the smell brings up to concentrate on Peeta's face. He'll be too smug if I let him win.
Peeta blinks first and slowly pulls away handing victory to me. I stand up straighter in mini-triumph at being able to withstand his cheeky stare. Peeta is smiling at me though as he pulls back and I am glad that we can act like this again. It's how we used to be before everything went bad.
"So have you got any bread for me or not?" I ask.
Peeta's smile broadens and he points his head in the direction of the kitchen.
"I have the perfect thing just about to come out the oven. Why don't you come into the back to get it," he says.
I smile back at him warmly. Any apprehension I had about coming here has evaporated. We can get on normally and I find I don't want to go. I want to stay and joke with him and find out more about his paintings. I'm in no rush to be anywhere else.
I nod my head eagerly and Peeta gives me that smile again, the one that gives me butterflies, before he leads me back through to the kitchen. He shouts in to the teenager, who is sitting reading a magazine in the back, to go back out to the front to serve customers. I smile as we walk past and I realise that Peeta will not be rushing out to help customers anytime soon. I can have him to myself for a while.
As we walk through Peeta's face falls slightly and he turns to me with apologetic eyes.
"I didn't mean to upset you yesterday. It's just I've been thinking about the baby a lot since you got back and there is no one else I can really talk to about it," he says.
My good mood falls slightly. I look away and drop my eyes to the ground. It's still hard to think about the baby but I can see now that Peeta desperately needs someone to talk about it with.
I gather all my courage to look back up at him and see the nervousness in his eyes. He really didn't mean to upset me with his words yesterday.
"Don't be sorry. I've just refused to even contemplate what things would have been like. You painted such a beautiful picture and part of me wishes we got the chance to create it," I reply.
Peeta smiles at me sadly. I know that he wishes that too. But things didn't turn out that way and we have both had to live with the consequences since.
"I know we might not be as close as we were before but if you ever want to talk about it, I'm here. I'm sorry that you had to suffer in silence all these years," I say.
And I mean it. The only person who could possible understand what it felt like is standing beside me now. And of all the people who I could have shared that painful experience with, I'm glad it is Peeta.
Peeta smiles at me gratefully and reaches out to give my hand a gentle squeeze.
"Thank you," he says. "I'm glad we're getting to a place where we can be friends again."
I give his hand a squeeze back again. I'm glad too. Something has shifted since Cato left. I no longer feel that anxiousness around Peeta anymore. One smile from him is enough to relax me. I feel we are finally on the right track.
"Feed me some cakes and we'll be there again," I reply trying to lighten the mood slightly.
Peeta smiles and shakes his head. It is not until we reach the warm kitchen that he finally lets go of my hand. Then he immediately walks to the oven to open it and take out the beautifully round golden rolls of bread. The heat of the ovens hits me and causes a warm flush to appear on my cheeks. Peeta carefully puts the rolls on the cooling rack and I go over to him to inspect them. I inhale the warm smell of yeast and make a noise of approval. Peeta turns to me with a knowing smile.
"Serve with some olive oil and it'll be prefect," he says.
I raise my eyebrows at him.
"This town keeps surprising me. I would have never thought olive oil would be in this town's vocabulary. I think I need to apologise for thinking this town is so backward. I've not been fair," I reply.
Peeta gives me an appreciative smile before going over to grab a bowl of dough from the cupboard.
"I've actually been inspired by your trip to Brazil. I can't have you declaring your love for another cheesy type of bread. I'm working on making those pão de queijo you jabbered on about. It seems I have been missing out on some amazing things staying here," he says with a grin.
My stomach rumbles at the name of the bread. Pão de queijo are these incredibly popular cheesy dough balls native to Brazil. They are the only cheesy snack to beat the Mellarks cheese buns. I can't believe Peeta is trying to make them.
"Have you made any yet?" I ask hopefully.
Peeta grins as he shakes his head.
"I'm nearly done with the dough. Do you want to help me beat in the cheese?" he asks.
"You'd let me help? You banned me from our kitchen when I lived here," I reply.
"You're attempting bolognaise tonight. Your skills must have expanded from burning toast by now," he says.
I elbow him in the ribs again.
"Fine. I'll show you. Bring me the dough," I say rolling up my sleeves.
Peeta grins at me broadly before turning around and grabbing the cheese. He puts the dough mixture into a bowl and gets out a wooden spoon. He touches my elbow to gently move me in front of the bowl and hands me the spoon. Peeta stands behind me, his arms framing either side of my body as he stretches round me to grab a handful of cheese.
The hairs on the back of my neck stand on end as his arm gently brushes against mine. I take a small breath as his touch leaves tingles up my body.
I watch his hands as he sprinkles the cheese into the bowl. He looks down at me with a challenging eye. I turn to meet his stare.
"Unfortunately our mixer broke so you're going to have to do this by hand. I hope you've got strong arm muscles," he says.
"I do body pump back in New York. I've got this," I say.
I confidently dip the wooden spoon into the bowl and begin rapidly beating the cheese into the mixture.
However I rapidly underestimated how much effort it takes to beat the cheese in thoroughly. After only a couple of minutes my muscles begin to ache and my movements slow. I puff a strand of hair out of my face as I take a break and wipe the sweat off my forehead.
Peeta stays standing behind me with an amused look on his face. I'm embarrassed I have tired so easily but then I don't have the arms of a Greek god on me like he does.
He watches me toil for a few more moments before finally taking pity on me and gently placing his hands over mine.
"You'll need to go harder than that it we want this done before nightfall," he says as he grips my hand tighter.
I turn to him with a scowl but relish the feeling of his warm hand encasing mine. I always liked how rough they felt against my skin. All the burn scars mapping his hand. He's got new ones now and I wonder if there are any interesting stories behind them.
He keeps a tight hold onto my hand as we work together to beat the rest of the cheese in. I am barely concentrating as the dough becomes stretchy and sticky because all I can focus on is the feel of Peeta's hand over mine. It makes me feel safe and secure and my heartbeat begins to race. I don't want him to let go.
Eventually his hand movements slow as all the cheese is beaten in. My heart sinks at the thought of his hand leaving mine so soon. But as he stops he leaves his hand on top of mine. We both drop our eyes to where our hands are joined and I curl my fingers around his, holding him to me tighter. Neither of us say anything as my heart continues to beat rapidly in my chest. Slowly I twist my head round to face Peeta.
He is looking down at me intently. I can feel his heartbeat thudding against the back of my chest and I can't stop looking into his eyes.
"You can let go of my hand now," he says softly.
The butterflies are going into overdrive and I no longer care what they might mean. I drop my eyes to his lips and stick my tongue out to lick my own. It could be his smell. The sparks of electricity that his touch shoot through me or it could be the sight of his warm smile, but all I know is that I want to kiss him. And in this moment that thought doesn't scare me.
"I don't want to let go," I reply.
Peeta sucks in a sharp breath and I can tell he wasn't expecting that answer. Slowly are heads draw nearer together until we are only inches away. I close my eyes as I feel his warm breath hit my lips and he leans his forehead against mine.
I sigh as I feel him move closer and wonder if his kisses will still feel the same. Will they have the same ability to turn me into mush?
But then we hear a loud chattering approaching the kitchen. The screeching sound of the door scraping back brings us both to our senses and we spring back. The animated chatting stops as soon as they see us. Peeta and I break away to be met with the rather amused stares of our mothers.
They both continue to stare at us with rather knowing smiles. Peeta coughs as he moves to make space between us and I look down at my shoes embarrassed. Was I really about to kiss Peeta again? I thought that door had been closed a long time ago. Opening it up again can only cause us both more pain.
And I am mortified that our mothers caught us. This town doesn't need more gossip about us. Them interrupting us has just made me realised how stupid we both were. Nothing good can come from us kissing again.
Carolyn's eyes eventually leave our faces and she surveys the mess we have in front of us. Her grin grows wider when she sees it before she turns to look back at me.
"It's certainly a surprise to see you here, Katniss. Peeta wouldn't even let you near the toaster before," she says.
I let out an exaggerated sigh as I relax my shoulders and look up at Carolyn. I am glad she isn't commenting on what she just walked in on but I am a little tired of everyone joking about my cooking skills.
"Why do you all need to remind me about the one time I had to phone the fire brigade because I burnt some toast? It may surprise you but I have picked up some cooking skills over the years," I reply.
Both Carolyn and Mom laugh while a smile appears on Peeta's face. Mom walks round the counter towards me and wraps an arm around my shoulder.
"My greatest failure as your momma has been failing to teach you to cook. I didn't even know you could burn vegetable soup!" Mom exclaims teasingly.
I sigh again as I see Peeta bite back a grin. It seems I am going to be the centre of all the teasing today.
Peeta wipes his hands on his apron as he turns to look at me and my mom.
"Katniss has insisted that her skills have improved. She's even planning on cooking you dinner tonight," he says.
Mom turns to look at me with a raised eyebrow.
"Well, it's a good thing I've got a frozen casserole in the freezer. We can always use that if things don't pan out the way you want it to," Mom says.
"You won't be needing it," I state confidently. "It's my mission to prove you all wrong tonight."
Everyone smiles at my steely determination.
"I wouldn't bet against Katniss when she puts her mind to something," Peeta says.
He gives me an encouraging smile and I smile back at him gratefully. The butterflies appear in my stomach again but I squish them down quickly. I don't want to go down that path again.
Mom gives my shoulders another gentle squeeze and smiles at me warmly.
"Thank you, sweetie. I'm sure it will be great. I can't wait for it," she says.
She is genuinely happy that I have offered to do this. She may tease me for my lack of cooking skills but her smile tells me it means a lot to her that I am willing to try. It feels good to make her happy.
Carolyn smiles at us both warmly before letting out a contented sigh and walking round to stand next to Peeta. They begin discussing the pão de queijo he is making. Mom drops her arm from around my shoulder and goes to pull something out of her purse.
"Since I caught you here, you can sign Hazelle's birthday card. It's a pity you're not going to be here for it next week but at least I don't have to sign for you this year," she says.
I smile back at her as I take the card. I know Mom wishes I stayed here permanently but I am not going to feel guilty about going back to New York. Being in Panem has reminded me how much this is no longer my home. It may not be as bad as I remember but I still couldn't live here. It's just not for me.
Mom scans the room looking for something.
"You don't have a pen, do you?" she asks.
I nod my head as I open the flowery card and place it down on the table.
"There's one in my bag," I say.
I point my head in the direction of my satchel bag that lies on one of the counters. Mom smiles at me again before going over to find the pen.
Peeta is still busy talking to his mom and now scooping small balls of the pão de queijo dough onto a baking tray. I continue to look at the card and read the message inside. Mom rummages about in my bag for a moment before she pulls out a set of papers and looks at them with a frown. Both Peeta and I freeze when we catch sight of her staring at them.
"What are these?" Mom asks clearly confused.
Carolyn stops what she is doing to look at my mom. Her eyebrows also knit into a frown as Mom holds up the papers. Peeta and I glance at each other with a panicked stare.
The divorce papers have been in that bag ever since Peeta gave them back to me a week ago. I didn't want to leave them lying around for Mom to find. I was just waiting to file them back in New York so we can be officially divorced.
Neither Peeta nor I know how to explain it. Everyone just assumed that we got the divorce years ago. And I didn't want to admit that Peeta had just returned the original papers back to me in a shredded mess. I don't want them to get the wrong idea of why it has taken so long for us to do it.
"These look like divorce papers but they're only dated from last week. You can't still be married," Mom says.
I struggle to find the words and look to Peeta for help. I can tell he is as anxious as I am about our moms finding out the truth. Carolyn turns to Peeta with a confused look.
"Peeta, is this true?" she asks.
Slowly Peeta nods his head.
"It's my fault. I was angry at Katniss for leaving so I tore up the first papers she sent me," he replies.
Carolyn just shakes her head in disbelief.
"But it's been nine years. What did you think you were going to achieve by doing that?" she asks him.
"I don't know, Mom. I was hurt and not thinking properly. But everything is fine now. Katniss will file the papers when she goes back and it'll all be over," he says.
It is my mom's turn to shake her head in disbelief. Both of them are struggling to get their heads around this information.
"But why didn't you try sending papers again sooner. You were engaged to another man while you were still married," she says.
"I just gave up trying after a while. At times I forgot I was even still married," I reply.
"If you really wanted the divorce you would have tried harder. Or is there another reason you have waited this long to get it?" Mom asks.
I don't want to be having this conversation. They are both trying to make something out of nothing.
"There is no hidden reason behind why we waited so long. I was stubborn at first and then we both had other priorities. As soon as Cato proposed Katniss came here to make the divorce official. It will all be made final by next week," Peeta says.
I smile at him gratefully and he gives me a small smile in return. Neither of our moms look entirely convinced. Carolyn looks at us both carefully.
"I'm surprised, of course, but if you say there is nothing more, then I believe you. Just don't drag it out any longer. You've both been through enough already," she says.
Both Peeta and I nod our heads in reply.
"It's the first thing I am going to do when I get back to New York," I say.
Carolyn nods her head in agreement. My mom still looks in shock. I don't think she can believe it. An awkward silence fills the room.
"Well, I need to get going. Katniss, are you coming with me?" Mom finally says.
I look at Peeta one last time. He gives me a sad smile. I think our moms are both still in shock, not fully understanding the situation.
"Thanks for the bread. I'll be back to try those pão de queijo tomorrow. Plus you still haven't shown me your paintings," I say trying to muster a smile.
Peeta grins and stuffs his hands in his pockets.
"I'll be sure to leave some aside for you and you're welcome any time to see my paintings," he replies.
My grin broadens and I pick up my bag ready to leave. Mom is still watching us carefully and shakes her head at our interaction like she can't figure us out anymore. I sigh as I sling my bag over my shoulder and pick up the loaf of bread Peeta gave me earlier. I turn to wave both Carolyn and Peeta a goodbye before following my mom out the bakery. Mom doesn't talk to me as we leave.
Mom is unnervingly quiet on our walk back to her house. She doesn't even stop to gossip on the way back. I can only imagine what she'll have to say about Peeta when we get back to the privacy of our own home.
She storms into the kitchen when we get back, completely ignoring Dad sitting in the living room as she dumps her shopping bags on the table. She turns to me with disbelief in her eyes.
"I can't believe you didn't tell us!" she exclaims.
Dad shoots me a quizzical look and I sigh as I get ready to defend myself again.
"Tell us what?" Dad asks.
He gets up off his chair to join us both in the kitchen. He puts a hand on Mom's back, sensing she is a bit tense, and begins rubbing circles there to soothe her. Mom turns to look up at him.
"Katniss and Peeta are still married. They never got a divorce," she states.
Dad raises his eyebrows in surprise but there is not the disbelief that both Mom and Carolyn had. He turns to me with a sympathetic look. My heart tightens when I see it. In many ways he is going to be harder to convince than Mom. He always had a soft spot for Peeta and was the most convinced that I travelled only to escape him.
"It's no big deal. He refused to sign the papers and I left it for a few years to allow him to calm down. That is all there is to it," I say.
Mom shakes her head again as she stands close to Dad.
"I just don't believe it, Katniss. If you wanted the marriage to be over you would have gotten the divorce years ago," Mom says.
She's getting really worked up about this. I never expected she would be this upset. Dad squeezes her waist and places a kiss on her head to calm her. It works a little bit and Mom takes a deep breath as she sinks back into him.
"People in town have been talking about you and Peeta and saying that he is the reason you and Cato broke up. I've been defending you, telling everyone that there is nothing between you two anymore. But after today, finding out you're still married and Carolyn and I walking in on you both looking very cosy together, I don't know what to believe anymore. Tell me truthfully, is there still something between you and him?" she asks.
I shake my head fiercely.
"I don't have feelings for him anymore," I reply.
But even as I am saying it, I know I don't sound convincing. I can't definitely say there are no feelings there. Not when I get butterflies every time I see him and nearly end up kissing him in the bakery. I know I shouldn't have them as it will only bring us both more pain. But maybe I always will. He was my first love and they say that is the one that never really leaves you.
Mom shakes her head unconvinced.
"We loved Peeta. And we know it was hard for you to leave him but please don't hurt him again. If there is a chance that you still feel something for him, at least be honest about it," Mom says.
Guilt grips my heart. I don't want to hurt him anymore. That's why I can't feel anything for him again. Because I can't stay here. He needs to find a nice girl who wants to stay here and give him the children he so desperately deserves. I need to get back to New York so we can both move on with our lives.
"Things ended long ago between us. I just want to get back to New York and forget everything," I say.
Mom smiles at me sadly.
"That's the thing, Katniss. I don't believe you want to forget," she replies.
A/N: I know some people will be disappointed that Katniss and Peeta got interrupted before they kissed but I swear it is better for them in the long run. We're drawing near the end now so you only have to be patient for a little while longer.
Thanks again to my Beta, LavendarVanilla, who makes this much more readable. I hope everyone is still enjoying this and looking forward to what comes next.