Chapter 13

We lie crammed together on my old single bed. The sweat has cooled on our skin and my head rests against Peeta's chest. My fingers play with the fine gold hairs that lie there as his hand gently strokes my hair. Pressed this close against him I can still feel the rhythm of his heart beating and I let out a small sigh of content as I savour the feeling of security I get from lying in his arms.

"I forgot sex was the best way to shut you up," Peeta says with a grin.

I tip my head up to look at him with a smile. As two immature nineteen years olds our only solution for solving arguments was to have sex. If we weren't arguing, we were fucking.

"It was about the only thing that was working in our relationship back then," I reply.

Peeta smiles as it reminds me of some of the nights we spent together We may have only just started to figure sex out but there was always something special when we joined together in that way. It's that intense connection that you can only experience with someone you love.

What scares me is that connection seems to be still there. I thought this would give me closure but it has just stirred up my feelings further. I only hope this is what Peeta needs to move on.

"It's a lot better than it was back then. We've both learned some tricks," Peeta says with a suggestive glint in his eyes.

I smile and shake my head at him. I don't want to think about the girls he learned these things with. It makes me feel nauseous and jealous. Both things I don't have a right to be.

Peeta smiles back at me before placing a kiss on top of my head.

"I'm glad that we've become friends again," he adds.

I let out a little breath of relief. At least he still sees us as friends. It seems like he doesn't want more and that way he won't get hurt. Although part of me is sad at that thought because it almost feels like I've caught glimpses of how great we can be together.

I don't want to talk about it so instead I swing my leg around Peeta's waist and snuggle closer to him. He smells of the charcoal and beer from the barbeque but I inhale the scent deeply. If this is our last night together I want to remember it.

Peeta smiles at me sweetly before his gaze turns to look round my room. A look of disbelief appears across his face.

"I feel like I'm stuck in a time warp. Your room hasn't changed at all," he says.

I sigh as I shake my head.

"You would think I have died and this is Mom and Dad's shrine to me. It creeps me out," I reply.

"It's crazy that you've been to all the places on these posters now. I remember when you would spend hours telling me about everywhere you wanted to travel," he says.

I smile.

"I've still not seen the pyramids. Africa is the one continent that I really haven't explored," I say.

I tip my head towards the curling poster of the Pyramids of Giza beside my window. Peeta tilts his head to the side to get a better look at it before his gaze drifts to the picture of a beach in Bora Bora.

"Are those places really as idyllic in real life?" he asks. "I've always felt they look too good to be true. Like it has been edited or something."

"No. There really are places as beautiful as that. And it's crazy what you can find when you're not looking. Did I tell you about the time my friend, Johanna, and I got chased by a sea turtle? I didn't know those things could be so vicious!" I exclaim.

Peeta shakes his head at me and I begin to tell him the story of how Johanna and I accidentally disturbed a sea turtle while snorkeling and it chased us all the way back to the beach. Peeta laughs as I tell him how it snapped at Johanna's bikini strings making is come loose and fall off.

I like that I can share these stories with him now. He was the one who listened while I rambled about my dreams to do all these things while I was stuck in Panem. I realise he's the only person I want to share these stories with.

But I don't want to be the only one talking. I want to know more about what he has been doing all these years.

"Tell me how you got into painting. What inspired you?" I ask.

"It was some sort of therapy at first. After you left I had so many thoughts in my head and the only way I could get them out was on a canvas. It just kinda stuck after that," he replies.

I raise my eyebrows at him and shake my head. He's being too modest.

"I don't believe that is all there is to it. Growing up you always saw the beauty in things other people couldn't," I say.

"There is a lot of beauty in Panem. You just have to take the time to see it. Whether it's the sunlight hitting the meadow in a certain way or Delly's six year old son helping Sae across the street, there are beautiful images everywhere," he replies.

I smile up at him as I savour his ability to make me see the world in a different way. He has been the only person to ever make me see the good things about Panem.

I love hearing him talk, particularly about something he is passionate about. I listen captivated as he tells me about the techniques he uses and his favourite colours to make. I wish I wasn't leaving tomorrow so I could witnesss his painting firsthand.

We carry on talking into the small hours of the morning as we continue to laugh and swap stories. It's almost like how it was when we first started sleeping together and would just stay up all night talking in hushed tones to avoid disturbing my parents. We stay wrapped in each other's arms as the night wears on, neither of us bringing up what just happened between us.

The morning sun wakes us as it streams through the crack in my drapes. I sigh as I snuggle closer to the strong warmth beside me. I don't want to wake up from this impossibly good dream. Full of Peeta, smiles and happiness. I forgot just how deeply I sleep when I am next to him.

But Peeta's chest heaves and I feel him stir beside me. He lets out a loud yawn as he stretches out his cramped limbs. Reluctantly I pry my eyes open and peek up at the sleepy man beside me. Peeta rubs the sleep out of his eyes before he looks down at me and gives me a lazy smile.

"Good morning," he says before leaning down to place a soft kiss on my lips.

My body eagerly reaches up to meet his kiss and I am disappointed that it is so short. These kisses are doing nothing to stop my confusion over him.

We are both smiling as we pull away and I am surprised how content I feel. No regret or remorse. It feels like last night was always supposed to happen. I enjoy the feeling of peace in the early morning.

That is until my eyes glance at the ancient digital alarm clock beside my bed and see that it is nearly 7am. My parents will be up soon to start their normal Sunday routine.

"Shit!" I exclaim as I throw back the covers. "I didn't mean for you to sleep over!"

I jump out of bed and immediately begin throwing on any clothes that I can find. I frown when I catch sight of my bra hanging off the lampshade and shake my head at how desperate I was to get Peeta naked last night.

Peeta just smiles at me in amusement as he sits up in the bed. He's still naked and the sheet slips down exposing his lower half. The sight of his semi-hard erection is enough to send a flash of heat to my core. I shake my head at him as I throw him his shirt and order him to get dressed. We definitely don't have time for a repeat of last night.

"Calm down. It's not like you haven't snuck me out before," he says with a grin.

I scowl at him. We were never that successful as teenagers and it is embarrassing now trying to sneak him out as adults.

"You're not helping. You know my dad is a light sleeper!" I whisper harshly.

Peeta just chuckles as he pulls up his jeans and bends down to find his shoes. I cross my arms across my chest as I tap my foot impatiently. He takes forever to get changed which only serves to agitate me even more. I know my parents will have something to say if they catch us.

Eventually he gets his final boot on and I grab his hand to drag him out the room. Carefully, I open the door and peek outside to see if my parents are up. I look up and down the hall but everything is silent and still. I take a deep breath before turning to Peeta with a finger on my lip to motion him to be quiet. Peeta grins back at me but does put his finger up to his lip to show me he'll try to sneak out quietly. Gingerly I open the door and usher him to follow me. We tip toe out of my room and try to move downstairs without making a sound.

Peeta follows closely behind me but he has always been heavy footed and I wince when I hear the creak on the stairs. We both freeze as we wait to see if the sound has disturbed anyone. I let out a sigh of relief when I hear no response and we continue to creep down the remaining stairs.

We get to the front door without encountering either of my parents and I am glad that we are saved from any awkward conversations. I open the door for Peeta and he turns to smile at me in the doorway.

A sense of fear suddenly grips my heart. I was so focused on sneaking him out that I haven't had time to think about what I will say now that he is leaving. I know the best thing to do is let him go but I struggle to get the words out.

"Peeta, last night…" I begin.

"…was a nice way to say goodbye," he finishes for me.

He gives me a bittersweet smile and I know he's right. Whatever feelings I still have for him don't matter because his life is here and mine is in New York. He's got his closure how so it's time to move on.

"Yes," I reply nodding my head.

I look down at my toes. I suddenly find it hard to look at him. But I feel Peeta's hand on my chin and he tips it up to force me to look at him.

"I'm glad we had this time together," he says.

I can see the sincerity in his eyes and I smile back at him gratefully. Peeta's smile fades slightly before tipping my head up to place a soft kiss on my lips. It's brief and feather light but still sends a hum of energy through it. It may be the sweetest kiss I have ever had.

We part with sad smiles. This is our last goodbye. The next time I see him I want him to be happy with someone else.

I watch Peeta walk back to his truck. He turns to give me one last smile and wave before he drives off back to our old house. I sigh as I watch the road dust swirl behind his truck. He's really gone.

Slowly I turn back round to go back in the house but stop and freeze when I hear a voice call out.

"I've got a strange sense of déjà vu. I see that Peeta still hasn't learned to sneak out quietly,"Dad says.

I wince before I take a deep breath and turn round to face my dad. He's leaning on the door frame of the living room with a slightly amused smile on his face.

"How long have you been standing there?" I ask.

I can't believe he caught us. I don't want to face the barrage of questions he will have for me.

"I was in the kitchen when I heard Peeta come thumping down the stairs. Though the sight of his truck outside our house was a bit of a giveaway that he was here," Dad says.

I cringe. Why didn't I think about his truck? The whole street probably saw. I don't need any more ammunition for their gossip.

"He wasn't supposed to stay the night," I mumble as I wring my hands in the front of my shirt.

I can't look at Dad. He's one of the few people I can't lie to and I know he'll be able to see right through any of my attempts to try and explain last night.

Dad sighs as he takes a step towards me.

"Was that the only time?" he asks.

I nod my head in reply, still keeping my eyes on the ground.

Dad shakes his head.

"Well, at least that means you haven't been lying to me. But I think you've probably been lying to yourself. What's happening between you two?" he asks.

I force myself to look at him. There's concern in his eyes now. He's worried that I am ignoring my feelings. Worried that I am going to make bad decisions again.

"I don't know, Dad. A week ago I was planning to marry another man and now my heart aches at the thought of leaving Peeta. I just closure on it all," I admit.

Dad looks at me sympathetically and reaches out to place a comforting hand on my shoulder.

"Have you talked to Peeta about any of it? I've seen how he looks at you since you got back. He's probably just as confused as you are," Dad says.

I shake my head. This is why I didn't want anyone to catch us this morning. Their questions are too hard to answer. I was fine with last night being one last night of passion before I went back. But now Dad is asking the questions I am too scared to ask myself. I begin to question every choice I have ever made.

"I don't want to bring him more pain, Dad. It'll only hurt him if I tell him I still have feelings for him. Because I can't stay here and he can't come with me. It's better for him if he doesn't know. That way he can move on," I reply.

My heart begins to tighten in my chest. Talking about leaving again is making the fear come back. Fear of leaving Peeta and not being in his life again. The longer I stay the harder it becomes to leave him behind.

"Is that what you really want? I've watched you this last week. You and Peeta have been inseparable these last few days and you always come back with a smile on your face," Dad replies.

It doesn't surprise me that he is sticking up for Peeta. Peeta was the son Dad never had. I know he was sad when our marriage fell apart.

I take a deep breath as I wrap my arms around myself. His words just make things even more confusing.

"I don't know what I want," I admit.

Dad smiles at me sympathetically before he pulls me in for a warm hug. He squeezes me tight as I bury my head in his chest. I screw my eyes shut to stop the tears from falling. I am starting to doubt the way I left things with Peeta.

Dad kisses the top of my head and pulls back slightly to look at me. I sniff loudly as Dad strokes a bit of my hair back.

"Just think carefully before you leave. Because if you do, there is no coming back. You'll be saying goodbye to Peeta for good," he says.

Dad leaves and I ponder his words for a while after he leaves. Part of me is desperate to voice my feelings and finally make sense of them but every time I think about admitting things to Peeta I can't see a positive outcome.

I go back to my childhood bedroom to finish the packing I started yesterday. I have a couple of hours before Dad drives me to the train station in the town two hours away.

As I am packing I come across the photo of Peeta and me eating a toasted marshmallow. I smile at it fondly as I trace our smiles with my fingers. I had hidden this photo when I first got back here because it was painful to look at. But it doesn't hurt so much now. In fact, I start to remember why that day was so special. We were surrounded by friends and happy. It's okay to admit that. I've learned this week that it's okay to have some good memories from here. I smile as I tuck the photo into my suitcase.

I was so determined to forget everything when I left Panem the first time that I took no reminders of it. But maybe that's why I'm struggling with my emotions now. I didn't allow myself to grieve probably. Taking this photo is me accepting that I did have a life here and there will be parts of it that I will always remember fondly.

I sigh as I carry on packing and then find my scrap book beside my bed. I smile again as I flick through some of the photos and mementos I have kept. The images of me with Cato startle me slightly. He has been so far from my thoughts lately and I feel guilty for my lack of remorse over the end of our relationship. Instead I'm surprisingly okay with letting him go. I laugh as I see the picture of the Italian monk trying to pose for a photograph. He doesn't quite know where to look.

This is what I have to focus on. The memories in this book would have never been created if I had stayed in Panem. I am still free to travel the world and discover things I wouldn't have even thought of. There are so many possibilities out there and I should focus on experiencing as much as possible rather than reliving the past.

I begin to feel better about myself as I finish the last of the packing. There was a happiness in Peeta's eyes this morning, almost a sense of relief, and I try my best to seek that same comfort. I list all the things I am looking forward to back in New York; Johanna dragging me out to some dive bar, discovering some secret underground concert, eating the best Thai food in the state. Things may be a little awkward facing Cato again and I don't have a place to live but I focus on the positives to distract myself from thoughts of Peeta.

After packing I take one last ride on Sampson. Finding riding stables is one of my top priorities when I get back to New York. It is the time when I feel the greatest sense of calm and peace and it will be the perfect antidote to all the hustle and bustle in the city.

I am a little sad that I will have to leave Sampson behind but I empty my brain of all other thoughts as I jump on top of him and focus on the gentle rocking motion of the horse. Nothing else matters except Sampson and I, galloping away from my emotions.

Afterwards I jump off Sampson's back at the stables with a smile on my face. I dig in my pockets to find him a sugar cube that he greedily gobbles up from my hand. A smile spreads across me face as I stroke his neck affectionately.

"I'll have to make sure Joel feeds you sugar cubes when I'm gone," I say.

Sampson snorts as he pokes his nose in my hand again looking for another one. I laugh as I continue to pat him on the neck.

"Couldn't resist one last ride?" a male voice says from behind me.

I freeze. The ride with Sampson suddenly seems futile. Every time I feel good about leaving something comes along to throw me off again.

Slowly I turn around to face my soon to be ex-husband. Peeta has a smile on his face when I turn round to see him and his blond curls are hidden underneath an old stenson hat.

"I'll have to find a place to go riding back in New York. Though I have grown very fond of Sampson," I reply.

I stay standing closely next to Sampson as I continue to stroke and pat his mane, fearful of getting too close to Peeta after we already said goodbye.

Peeta smiles back at me but it doesn't quite reach his eyes. He looks down at the ground and scuffs some of the earth there with his boot. I don't think he liked the mention of New York.

"I'm surprised you're still here. I thought you said all your goodbyes," Peeta says.

"Train doesn't leave until 3pm. My connecting flight is tomorrow," I say.

Peeta nods his head but keeps his eyes on the ground.

"Are you planning on coming back?" he asks.

He pulls his head back up to look at me and there is a little bit of hope there. I try to act nonchalant about it and shrug my shoulder.

"Panem isn't as bad as I remember. I forgot how many people there are here that I love. My job might not give me any leave for the foreseeable future but I'll be back for my small town fix," I say.

I try to force a smile and sound cheery. Like we are just two old friends saying goodbye. If he's found peace with us he doesn't need me confusing him with my feelings.

Peeta smiles and nods.

"Rye is betting on you coming back for Thanksgiving. He wants you for his touch football team. Says there is no girl as fearless as you and he is tired of losing to Darius's team," Peeta replies.

I laugh and relax my hold on Sampson a little bit.

"Will Violet even let him play with his bad back?" I say.

"You know if she doesn't he'll be the over competitive coach on the side-lines trying to distract the opposition," Peeta says with a grin.

"I might volunteer for Darius's team just to piss him off," I say.

Peeta throws his head back in laughter and I can't stop the smile spreading across my face.

I am reminded how happy he can make me feel and I don't know if I will ever be able to replicate it with someone else. If I was selfish I would grab him and kiss him one last time before I leave. But I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't hurt him again. So even though it kills me to say it I force the next words out of my mouth.

"Next time I come back I fully expect you to be all loved up and settled down with the woman who will give you your children. No one deserves it more than you," I say. I pause to take a deep breath. "Leevy has been long neglected by you this week."

Peeta lets a small smile grace his lips as he stuffs his hand in his pockets and nods his head.

"I promise to work on it," he says.

I give him a small smile in return and we stand silently for a few moments, unsure how to end things.

"I hope you find happiness too," Peeta says.

He then steps forwards and wraps his arms around me.

"Goodbye. Again," he says with a slight smile.

I let out a small laugh as I hold onto him tightly. I want to hold onto him as long as possible but don't want to over step my boundaries. Peeta pulls back with a small smile and then turns to head into the stables. I turn to watch him go and force myself not to tear up.

My heart begins to tighten as I realise that my happiness can't involve him. He knew all those years ago that he had to let me go. It's now my turn to do the same for him.

A/N: I know some of you hate me for this but trust me, Katniss needs to get back to New York to put everything in perspective. She's too caught up in everything at the moment to think clearly. But the next chapter is the last one before the epilogue so I think most of you are going to enjoy it.

Thanks so much toe my Beta, LavendarVanilla, for her great insights into this chapter. And thanks to everyone who is still enjoying the story. Your support has been great.