Chapter 14

New York is 90 degrees. Even though the thermometer tells me it is cooler than Panem, all the traffic fumes and crowds make it seem even more humid. Everyone is walking round with frozen drinks and ice packs to try and keep cool. I have to change my outfit half way through the day as by lunchtime my clothes are soaked in sweat. I always forget hot and uncomfortable the city gets in the summer.

I try to tell myself it is the heat that has got me so grumpy. I was so desperate to get back here when I first arrived in Panem but now I am back I am not sure what I feel.

New York is still the same. The man still plays guitar at my subway station and a hundred different accents walk past me in the streets. My work at the research lab keeps me interested and my friends phone me up to arrange meet ups and suggest things to do. I can get coffee at four in the morning and eat exotic foods at a different restaurant each night. These are all the things I loved about the city before I left. These things remain the same but I don't get the same joy out of them as I used to.

New York suddenly feels very different. It just doesn't feel like home anymore.

I try to convince myself it is because I am adjusting to life without Cato in New York. For the last four years I haven't known New York without him. But now I've moved out of our apartment together and am crashing on Johanna's couch. All my things are in boxes and I don't have a place to call my own. It's only natural that I should feel in limbo.

And yet it is not Cato that is keeping me up at night.

Peeta fills my dreams with his blue eyes and smiles. Some dreams are good, us laughing together on a ride or baking in the kitchen. Others are flashbacks to our last night together and I wake in the morning with sweat on my skin and a wetness between my thighs. But some are not so pleasant. Me losing the baby and Peeta's heartbroken face as I leave him again. I don't know which dreams are worse. All leave me feeling like there is a big hole in my heart.

The divorce papers still lie untouchedin my purse. I haven't been able to bring myself to file them yet. Instead I've dragged Johanna out every night this week to distract me from thoughts of missing him.

I told her everything once I got back to New York. Peeta. Our marriage. The baby. Having known me the longest since I have been in New York, Johanna was a bit shocked and hurt that I had hidden so much from her but it has made her understand my need for distraction. Dwelling on Peeta is just going to make my heart ache.

I need to accept that we are finished and move on. It's what is best for him.

I think I am even more exhausted by the fact that I am trying to gain closure on two different relationships. I may not miss Cato as much as I should but it is still hard to move on, particularly because so much of the stuff I bought in our apartment we bought together. I've had to go round a couple of nights this week already to try and sort out the remainder of our stuff. We've always arranged it for Cato to be out when I go round and I only have a couple of more boxes to sort out before I hand in my keys to him for good.

I let out a weary sigh before I take a slurp of my ice fruit smoothie and enter the building of our trendy Tribeca apartment.

The doorman smiles at me politely as I make my way to our penthouse apartment. Cato had bought the apartment during our first year of dating and asked me to move in with him a year later. This has been my home for the last two years.

I feel a great sense of sadness as I walk into the apartment for the final time. There will be no reason for me to come back after today. I stand in the doorway for a few moments as I survey the space I made so many memories in.

It has an open plan layout with large glass windows and wooden floors. The walls are stark white but are covered in an array of different mementos we've picked up over the years. A large Tibetan wall hanging takes up a large part of the wall and a golden Chinese dragon mask rests in the corner. It's a treasure trove of fine art from all over the world.

After spending a few minutes taking it all in I sigh again and slowly make my way further into the apartment. I put my smoothie down on a table and bend down to sort through the final boxes Cato has left out.

The first one is filled with hats and scarves made out of alpaca wool that we got in Peru. I smile as I pick up the first one that has ears attached to it to makes me look like an actual alpaca. I was so embarrassed when Cato first bought this for me. I spend a few minutes looking at it before deciding to leave it behind and moving onto the next item. Packing always takes me longer than I think because a thousand lost memories always resurface as I find things I forget I ever owned.

I spend about an hour going through the remaining boxes and choosing the things I want to keep while carefully storing the others away. I am almost done when I hear the key turn in the lock. I freeze as I hear Cato's footsteps enter the apartment. Slowly I turn round to face him.

He's wearing his favourite pair of khaki trousers with a pale blue shirt that has been rolled up at the sleeves. He looks a little surprised to see me here. Clearly he forgot I was coming round today. We end up both staring at each other for a long moment, neither of us making the first move.

I have only seen him once since I got back and it was stiff and a bit awkward. I couldn't look him in the eye knowing I had slept with another man a week after we broke up and he seemed unsure of how to speak to me.

Cato clears his throat uncomfortably, looking at the ground and shifting about nervously on his feet.

"Sorry. Lunch with my parents finished early. I forgot you'd be here. I'll just get out your way," Cato says.

He drops his keys into the bowl with a loud clang and moves towards the bedroom. It makes me sad that it seems we can't even be in the same room anymore. We have a lot of the same friends. Is it going to be like this every time we get invited to the same party? Suddenly I get the urge to try and make things less awkward between us.

"I'm nearly finished. Please don't hide away," I call after him.

Cato stops at my words and turns slowly to look at me with a sad smile on his face.

"I never imagined things would be like this between us," he says.

I give him a sad smile in return. Two weeks ago everything between us seemed perfect. And we had always been good friends. Maybe if we work things out now we can become friends again.

"I'm willing to try and be friends if you are. I mean it was a mutual decisions to end things," I say.

Cato bobs his head as he puts his hands in his pockets.

"That should make things easier. I suppose if we both don't try so hard to avoid each other it could work," he says.

I smile and nod my head and there is a long pause before either of us say anything again.

"Finnick's been raving about this new band that is playing at The Hob. A bunch of us our going to check it out. You should come too. A group outing should make things less awkward," Cato says.

There's a small smile on his face and I can tell he wants to make an effort. I've already learned the hard way cutting a person doesn't work and I find I don't want to cut Cato out completely. There is no one else who has experienced the world as much as me.

"Sounds good. It'll be nice to hear something other than country music," I reply with a smile.

Cato relaxes at my words and his grin grows wider.

"I don't mind a bit of country music every now and again but please give me some variety," Cato says.

I let out a light laugh and I think that we can do this. We can be friends with no awkwardness.

"You must be glad to be back in New York," Cato adds.

And just like that my heart sinks again. I thought I would be glad to be back here but I can't seem to escape the feeling that something is amiss. New York doesn't bring the same comfort that it used to. I drop my eyes to the ground and fiddle with the end of my braid as I try to avoid answering Cato's question.

But Cato knows me too well and senses my fall in mood immediately. He frowns slightly as he crosses his arms.

"You don't look as ecstatic to be back as I thought you would be," he says.

I sigh as I bring my head up to look at him. Chewing on my bottom lip, I try to come up with the right words to describe how I am feeling.

"I don't know," I admit. "All the things I love about New York are still here. The fast pace of life and the general hustle and bustle but it just doesn't seem like home anymore and I don't know why."

Cato listens to me carefully and nods his head. He studies me for a few moments as I continue to twirl the end of my braid round my finger.

"My parents have five different houses, on three different continents, and their friends always ask which one they call home if they have so many. They reply that it doesn't matter which one they stay in. Their home is wherever the other is. I think they mean that home doesn't have to be a place, it can be a person," he says.

I scrunch up my eyebrows in confusion.

"What do you mean?" I ask.

Cato smiles at my confusion before continuing.

"Did you spend a lot of time with Peeta once I left?" he asks.

My frowns deepens.

"Why would you ask that?" I reply.

Cato gives me an amused smile as he shakes his head.

"I told you to speak to him. I'm just wondering if you took my advice," he says.

I shift about uncomfortably on my feet. I don't want to have to admit exactly what Peeta and I got up to. Cato deserves more respect than that.

"We spent some time together, yes," I say unable to look Cato in the eye.

Cato doesn't look surprised at this revelation but he also doesn't look hurt by it.

"There was a reason I got so jealous of him. For the first time there was this guy who knew you as well as I did. Maybe even better and I hated that. I've never been in love with anyone other than you and I hated that you had already shared it with him," Cato begins.

I look up at him in disbelief. Peeta is the last thing I thought I would be talking about with him.

"And there is just this natural reaction you both have to each other. You would sense him before he even walked in the room. Your eyes always found him. I'm not blaming him for why we broke up but since I got home I realised you and I were always heading for failure. Because as much as we loved each other it was no competition to what you had with him. You were never going to feel as deeply for me as you do for him," Cato says.

I can't help but note his use of the present tense when Cato talks about my love for Peeta. I can't even admit to myself that I still harbour those feelings. I can't have my heart broken again but Cato seems certain.

"I think the reason New York doesn't feel like home anymore is because Peeta isn't here. I'm not saying that means Panem is your home, just that he is home for you," he says.

I let Cato's words sink in slowly. Could he be right?

The only time I felt relaxed in Panem was when I was with Peeta. As the days went on I felt those familiar feelings of warmth and safety. The feeling of home. I haven't felt that since coming back to New York.

I've not dared allowed myself to admit what my resurgent feelings for Peeta mean. Because that would mean I would have to be honest to him about them and that thought terrifies me. But I don't know how much longer I can keep him in the dark about them.

"I realise now that you came to New York to run away from Peeta. Don't make the same mistake again. He deserves to know how you feel," Cato adds.

I look away from him, a little ashamed that I have such strong feelings for another man. It makes me feel guilty that I don't feel sadder about the end of our relationship.

"How can you talk about Peeta like that? Aren't you upset about it?" I ask.

Cato gives me a small smile as he shrugs his shoulders.

"I've had two weeks to come to terms with the fact we wouldn't have worked, even without Peeta in the picture. Though, if you do work things out with him, please refrain from giving me the gory details. With even the best will in the world I don't want to hear that," he says.

He's smiling and I realise that he's being honest. He's come to terms with the end of our relationship and is ready to move on. If only things were as easy with Peeta.

Over the next couple of days,my head buzzes with thoughts about Peeta, Cato and what he told me. I'm distracted at work and ruin some plant samples as well as screwing up a set of results. I'm almost surprised Beetee didn't fire me when he called me into his office. But instead the meeting with my boss has given me even more to think about.

I realise that I haven't learned from my mistakes. Our marriage failed the first time because we didn't communicate and I'm still failing to communicate now. I never even asked him what he wanted. I've just made assumptions and couldn't tell Peeta how I really feel because I was too scared of getting hurt, or worse, hurting him. I need to stop repeating the same mistakes.

I make a decision to finally man up and face my issues. Cato's words have finally convinced me that I need to speak to Peeta and ask him the question I was too scared to ask all those years ago. I can't get any time off work until the weekend but I book the first flight on Saturday morning and begin preparing how I am going to tell Peeta the truth. Beetee's offer is also still plaguing my mind and with so much going on it feels like my head might explode.

By Thursday evening my head is so full of thoughts that I almost miss him as I come home from work. I do a double take as I am about to climb up the steps of Johanna's building. This is the last place I ever expected him.

But there he is. Standing on the opposite side of the road looking overwhelmed by the noise and the sheer volume of traffic. He looks so out of place in his worn jeans, flannel shirt and cowboy boots. A ratty rucksack is slung over his shoulder and his blond curls stick out at odd angles. I get the feeling he's beenanxiously running his hand through his hair.

Peeta Mellark is in New York.

His head moves from side to side rapidly as he tries to find space in the traffic to cross. I am stuck in disbelief as I look at him. He goes to take a step onto the road and my heart almost stops as a cab rushes past him, horn honking in annoyance. Peeta jumps back startled as he continues to look up and down the street bewildered.

The incident is enough to bring me to my senses and I rush across to rescue him. Of course he beat me to it. He was always one step ahead of me in our relationship. Peeta finally spots me as I hop up onto the sidewalk and he gives me a relieved smile.

"Come on," I say tugging on his hand, "You'll get yourself run over."

Peeta smiles at me again and lets me pull him across the street safely. He smiles at me gratefully once we make it safely to the otherside.

"Thanks. I didn't know there could be so many cars on the roads. It's all so noisy," he says.

"You get used to it. But come up stairs. I can't have you killed while you are in New York" I say with a grin.

This comment relaxes Peeta and he hoists his rucksack up higher on his shoulder. He grins back at me.

"Sounds good. I hope you don't mind me just turning up here. Your parents gave me this address," he replies.

I smile back.

"I never mind when it comes to you," I reply.

Peeta smiles back at me and I don't want to blink for fear that he might disappear. I keep sneaking glances at him as I lead him up the stairs, trying not to overthink his unanticipated arrival.

My whole body is buzzing with nerves and excitement. I was off to see him in just two days time and his arrival here has provided me with the perfect opportunity to finally be honest with him. I thought I would have a few more days to prepare what I was going to say to him but I know there will be no better time than now.

Johanna is out when we enter her small Brooklyn apartment and I am glad that I will get Peeta alone for a while. We smile a little awkwardly at each other as Peeta sets his bag down among Johanna's mess in the living room. I look at him for a long moment as I gather the right words.

"It's funny. I have flights booked to come and see you in Panem this weekend," I say with a small chuckle. "I guess great minds think alike but what are you doing here, Peeta?"

There is a long pause and Peeta looks down at his feet. He shifts about on them for a moment before taking a deep breath and finally looking back at me. My breath is almost taken away by the look in his eyes. It's passionate and determined.

"I let you go once before. I'm not going to do it again," he says.

I gasp a little at his revelation. I've been too scared to hope that he felt anything for me. It would be easier if he had no feelings for me at all but then the good things in life rarely come easy.

Peeta still has a determined look in his eyes as he takes a step towards me. He lightly touches my arm and I look up into those blue eyes that I can so easily get lost in.

"We suck at communicating and I want to put that right. I should have told you back in Panem but I was just scared by all the feelings you stirred up in me again because I didn't know how I could make things work. I thought I was looking for closure but since you've left, I've been miserable," he says.

I smile a little as he voices so many of the same thoughts that cloud my own mind. I can't believe all this time we were both feeling and thinking the same things. This could all have been simpler if we had just talked to each other about it.

Peeta smiles sweetly down at me as his hand reaches up to caress the side of my face. Instinctively I lean in to him.

"I love you," he states softly.

My heart does somersaults in my chest. I love him too. And I'm willing to make the compromises we need for this to work.

"We were just kids the last time and didn't know how to handle marriage but we are both older now and hopefully more mature. I'm willing to do anything so our marriage succeeds. I'm willing to move to New York if that means I get to be with you," he says with a passion I hardly recognise.

I was not expecting that. Peeta living in New York is the last thing I can see happening.

"Peeta, you can't move here. You love Panem and almost killed yourself crossing the street!" I say.

Peeta just doesn't fit here. It would swallow him whole and crush his spirit. I couldn't live with myself if I let that happen. It's not the right compromise to make.

"But you can't live in Panem. It would never be enough for you and it would kill you one day at a time," he says.

I give him a small smile as he takes a step towards me. He gathers my hands in his and looks deep into my eyes. I know whatever he says next will be deadly serious.

"It was only after you came back to Panem that I realised what had been missing. Panem hasn't felt like home in a long time and it's because you are not in it. It won't ever be my home without you," he says.

I smile up at him. Cato's words about home being a person rather that a place echo around my mind. It seems Peeta may feel the same way as I do.

I move in closer to him and grip his hands tighter.

"I never filed the divorce papers," I say.

Peeta looks surprised but I don't let him say anything before I carry on.

"I couldn't bring myself to do it. In the end I couldn't let you go," I say.

Peeta's gaze softens as he smiles back at me.

"I still love you," I say.

A small laugh leaves my lips as I finally say the words I've been denying this for the last two weeks. I love him and don't want to live my life without him. I should stop assuming what he wants and let him tell me. Peeta grins too before ducking his head down to rest his forehead against mine. His thumb sweeps across my knuckles as we still keep a tight grip on each other's hand.

"Then let me move here," he pleads.

I begin shaking my head and Peeta grips my hands tighter to get me to stop. But I am not going to let him move here. Not when there is a better solution.

"I got offered a job on Monday to teach at Northwestern University. They want me to start in the fall and I would still get to carry out my research while there. Come with me," I say.

Peeta freezes as he lets this unexpected offer sink in.

When Beetee called me into his office this week, it wasn't about my most recent screw ups, it was to give me a job offer. He been appointed Head of Biological Sciences at Northwestern and wants me to be part of his research team there.

I have never thought about teaching or leaving New York before but things are different now than they were three weeks ago. My priorities have changed and this seems to be the best way to keep Peeta. I can still do the research I love and teaching others what I know actually seems like it could be a thrilling new opportunity.

"You'd want me to go with you?" Peeta asks.

I smile as I reach up to stroke the side of his face.

"You're home for me too," I admit.

Peeta smiles at me lovingly and it makes me want to reach up and kiss him now. But not quite yet. I still need him to agree.

"Evanston is a lot smaller than New York but bigger than Panem. Chicago isn't that far away for when I need a bit more adventure in my life and hopefully it won't be as noisy for you. I think we can make it work there," I say.

Peeta smiles broadens as he presses his forehead closer to mine.

"Let's move to Evanston then," he replies.

"Good," I breathe. I then reach up to nuzzle my nose with his. "I love you. I'm sorry I didn't tell you in Panem."

Peeta smiles as he rubs his nose against mine.

"I can't wait to spend every possible moment of the rest of my life with you," he says.

I let out a light laugh as he quotes what he said to me the night he proposed all those years ago. It's his way of reinstating our commitment to each other. I take a deep breath as Peeta slides his hands up to cup my face. He pauses for just a moment, building the anticipation before ducking down to capture my lips in a searing kiss.

My heart almost explodes with happiness as I feel his lips against mine. I didn't think this would ever be possible again. We're better equipped to handle marriage now and I am hopeful that we can make things work this time round. We're ripping up those divorce papers the first spare minute we have.

We soon sink into the kiss and that warm feeling begins to spread out from my chest and round my whole body as I wrap my arms around him. I feel content and happy. I sigh as Peeta angles my head up to deepen the kiss.

I'm finally home.

A/N: So we've finally reached the end! I know Katniss's confusion has been very frustrating to read so thanks to everyone who has stuck with it. She's finally learned from all her mistakes.

There is still an epilogue left and we'll catch up with them to see how they've managed marriage this time.

Thanks to my Beta, LavendarVanilla. She makes this so much more readable!