Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Epilogue

I was right. Recovery was brutal. No, scratch that. Recovery is brutal. Two weeks after the incident, I awoke from my coma to a broken body and a solemn family. They were happy I was awake and healing - Mikey was all for ordering enough pizza to put the nearby joint out of business when I finally opened my eyes - but I could tell the incident shook them.

I forced Don to give me a complete rundown of exactly what I was dealing with and he complied grudgingly: punctured and collapsed left lung, shattered right acromion, torn right supraspinatus tendon, dislocated left knee, fifteen stitches in the gash over my right collarbone, and two consecutive concussions (one caused by my head striking the wall, and the other by Don's bo staff). That explained all the bandages and the constant stream of painkillers. My right shoulder was bound tight to my plastron for seven weeks, and my knee was in a brace (a small mercy it was not a cast) which I still wear when I train.

Now, two months later, I'm once again able to walk and eat solid food, and I'm slowly re-training my body. The going is brutal and slow but no one's complaining, not even Mikey who complains about everything, and I wonder if I make them nervous. It's a ridiculous but constant thought. After all, I did battle a physical being on a spiritual level that no one, not even Splinter, has ever achieved (even though I think it's a fluke and I'll never be able to do it again unless circumstances are just as strenuous and dire). No one really knows what to think of that feat. No one's mentioned it. No one has even spoken of the incident. Forget the fact that I haven't meditated since out of fear that he will find me again. Forget that I barely sleep, seeing black irises behind a blue mask smile at me every time I close my eyes. Forget that I jump at shadows and that I barely eat and talk. Forget that I can't look my family in the eye without thinking about what I let happen because I was stupid and arrogant in my assumed-perfect-but-not skills. They blame me. It's too easy to see it in their faces. I almost killed Raphael. I almost killed Father. I would have killed Donatello and Michelangelo if given the chance. I'm a terrible excuse of a ninja, leader, brother and son. Everything I am and stand for has come to nothing because, frankly, I'm an idiot. I should have been more aware, more careful. I should have asked Sensei if there was anything specific I should do to protect myself while in the vast space of the Astral Plain - or if I should protect myself, period. But I never asked. Because I'm an idiot. And my family almost died by my hand because I'm an idiot.

Training this morning. I still tire easily and I'm not allowed to spar anyone. Splinter makes me work on basic katas to reestablish my balance, flexibility and stamina. I hate it but I don't say anything. I've been doing katas for a week straight now, ever since Don gave me the all-clear to take it slowly, I mean it, Leo! Walking - trudging, limping, stupid knee - into the dojo this morning, though, trailing behind my brothers who have been silent since I walked out of my bedroom, I'm met with semi-darkness, and lit candles and incense.

"Come, my sons," Sensei says quietly, adding to the mystique. "Today we will meditate."

I slam to a halt. I freeze. I balk. I don't think I'm breathing. My heart pounds against my ribs, reminding me that I need to inhale sometime soon but I can't because I. Cannot. Meditate. I will not.

"Leo?" The small voice beside me does nothing to rouse me from my terror. Gentle hands take my shoulders. "Leo? Leo, you need to breathe. Please, please breathe."

I try but everything hurts and my head swims. My vision's blurring.

More hands lower me to the floor, and my lungs are burning, and someone - several someones, my brothers? - are begging me to breathe.

A sudden slap strikes me across the face and I inhale automatically as I gasp in pain - that seriously hurt, Donatello! - but the slap did the job: I'm breathing again. Actually, I'm coughing. I hack on oxygen as it pours into my aching lungs.

"Easy, Leo. Take it easy. Yer okay." Raph? When did he become the comforting one? His arm is around my shoulders, supporting me as my body tries to reject and welcome the air at the same time.

I hate my body. It's as much of an idiot as I am.

Purple-banded, brown eyes settle in front of me. They look black in the darkness and I flinch away with a whimper I can't hold back; Don retreats with hurt, wide eyes. But wait, no, I can see the whites around the irises (my eyes were completely black, whites and all). The brown only looks black. They're not actually black. I relax in Raph's hold.

"Sorry," I whisper.

"It's okay," my brother replies shakily. For a genius, he's a terrible liar.

MIkey chuckles from somewhere but I don't know what's funny. This isn't funny.

Raph squeezes me gently. "Are you okay?" he asks.

I shake my head and say nothing. I don't want to say anything because anything I do say will be pathetic, weak, idiotic, stupid.

A furred hand gently takes my arm and helps me stand, my brothers right beside me to catch me if I stumble.

"Come, Leonardo. There is training to do."

I would sag if Raph wasn't already there. He snags me around the waist in time to keep me upright, and Don speaks: "Master Splinter, he had a panic attack at the sight of candles. We can't make him do this. Not now."

Yes. Yes, please, Father. Listen to Doctor Donnie. I hang weakly in Raph's grip, trying to stay on my feet and remembering to breathe, trying to force the memories of the impenetrable darkness of my controlled mind and body from playing behind my eyes.

Black eyes lift to mine for the first time since I woke up (Sensei has been careful about not meeting my eyes) and I recoil. But he steps closer. Oh, Fate, I'm going to die. I'm going to kill them and then he's going to kill me and retreat back into the Astral Plain to hunt down the rest of his targets, the presumed 'sages'. My heart is pounding, my breathing laboured, and I can't look away. Black eyes bore into me, haunt me, smile and laugh at me.

He said it himself that what I did was impossible. Maybe he was right? Maybe I failed? Maybe he is still here, lurking in the recesses of my mind or one of their minds?

"Leonardo?" It could be his voice, disguised as Father's, using his voice and his words and his love, mocking me with it all until he stabs through the chest a second time but through the heart because anywhere else would give opportunity for healing. A punctured heart was certain death. Raph stiffens tangibly as he holds me but I don't focus on him for long when Sensei says, "Leonardo, my son, that is not going to happen."

Wait. What?

"You have been speaking your thoughts aloud. You did not fail, you are not an idiot, you will not harm us, and we will not harm you." He does not give me a chance to speak or react to his words because he continues, "He is gone, Leonardo. You damaged your body to weaken him enough that Michelangelo and I were able to eject his presence from your mind while Donatello and Raphael worked to save you."

Almost there, Leo. I remember Mikey's encouragement but more than that, what I wasn't focused on at the time, I can now remember his intense concentration. Of us all, Mikey hates meditation the most. He can never concentrate enough. He falls asleep more often than not. But I felt that presence as clearly as if he stood beside me: energetic, joyous and strong. Coupled with Splinter's calm ferocity, it is...possible that it's true, that he's really gone. But then, when have I doubted them before? When did I ever doubt Sensei's word? Why would he lie now? Especially since his life and the lives of my brothers depend on it being true?

They never did tell me what happened. I never did ask.

"Are you asking now?"

Apparently, I'm still thinking out loud. I need to stop. Usually I'm not loose-tongued, and here I am spilling all my insecurities and weakness and fears to my entire family. I open my mouth. "Chodai, otosan."

We sit on the worn tatami mat, all of us in a circle instead of Sensei in front of our line. Raph's on my right and Don's on my left with Mikey on his left and Splinter between him and Raph. I'm weak and shaking, and my half lotus is off-center because of my knee but I don't think anyone minds. The candles and incense burn in the middle. It's sandalwood, my favourite scent, and I relax marginally. It's a small step but a step nonetheless on my road to recovery.

And they tell me. And I really am safe, and they really are safe, and he really is gone. Somewhere in the tale, Splinter promises to help me build mental defenses for future sojourns in the Astral Plain, something he should have taught me years ago, and, wait, did he just apologise? Yes, of course, I forgive you, Sensei.

I close my eyes as they continue and I listen. The heat from the lit candles is gentle and the scent of sandalwood is soothing, and both try to lull my senses but I am...(yawn)...immune. I fall asleep on Raph's shoulder and for the first time since I woke up, the black eyes aren't waiting for me. Instead, kind onyx, intelligent brown, strong amber and cheerful blue smile at me.

Translations

chodai - please, give me

otosan - father, dad, daddy.