The Unmentionable Planet

Brenda used her key to get in the house. She had wondered whether she should knock but that just seemed silly. It was her home, too.

As she closed the door behind her, feet like cement, she immediately spotted Fritz on the sofa. He was in plain clothes; jeans and a shirt. He wore his shoes as if he wanted to make sure he was ready to leave whenever he felt like it.

"Hi," Brenda said timidly and held out the brown take-out bag. "I got dinner. Happy Family...and extra spring rolls."

Fritz said nothing as she set the bag on the table. He looked defeated, angry. Brenda had wondered all day how to play this. She wanted to lie, desperately; the truth was embarrassing and it might just destroy everything she had. It might just destroy Fritz. She had never meant to hurt him but the truth would do just that.

Her gaze followed his, downward to the boxes on the floor.

"Maybe you can return those," Fritz said.

Brenda wished she had read the notebooks, just so she knew what she was dealing with - she hated not knowing all the answers before anyone could even ask her questions.

She loved this man, she really, really did but Brenda also knew that he loved her more than she loved him. It had always been that way, with everyone she had ever been with.

...except Will, maybe. He had cured her of love and trust.

She looked at Fritz again.

Quietly, she sat her purse on top of the evidence boxes and leaned against the wall, mind made up.

"Okay," she said, her voice trembling. "I've been sleepin' with Sharon Raydor."

"I know that," he said immediately. "But thanks for not lying."

It was meant as an insult, Brenda knew that, but was she really that bad?

"I just feel so stupid." Fritz looked away - he couldn't even face her. "For over a year! Right under my nose!"

"That is not true!"

"Oh, really? C'mon, Brenda-"

"No," she said firmly.

"I could smell her all over your clothes when you came home that night. And those notebooks? At first you had the decency to wait 'til I was out of town but then you just stopped caring! Fucking her when you should've been at work, when you should've been here!"

Brenda swallowed her first reaction, calming her nerves. "I deserved that but...if you've made your mind up already about what you think happened then-"

"Do tell. Tell me all the details, Brenda."

The blonde looked down, at her shoes, and scuffed the floor. She had had no idea how humiliating this would feel, how helpless she would be, defenseless against whatever Fritz wanted to hurl at her.

"I know," she said feebly, tears rolling down her cheeks. "I know I make it real hard for you to love me and I know that what I've done...it's the most horrible thing I've ever done to you but I'd do anythin' if you could find it in yourself to forgive me...or-or give me a chance to make it up to you as best as I can..."

She wiped at her eyes with the sleeve of her favorite cardigan but the tears just kept on coming.

"Why?"

Brenda's eyes shot up. "Why?"

"Why did you do it? Why her?"

The blonde struggled to find an answer, just like last time he had asked. She had chosen not to know, not to figure it out for a reason. It scared her to think that there was something more, something deeper that, once she had acknowledged it, she wouldn't be able to make go away again.

"D'you think that's gonna make you feel better?"

"...no. But I need to know." His voice was calm, quiet and removed. "I don't know if I can forgive you, Brenda. But if you want me to try, you have to tell me everything."

Everything; the word echoed in her mind. She never told anyone everything, ever. "Okay."

"Then why? If you love me..."

"If?" Brenda shook her head. "It wasn't about love."

"So you just decided to throw it all away for something completely meaningless?"

"No..." It just sort of happened, Brenda thought.

"What then?"

Brenda took a deep breath and looked at anything but Fritz. "It's just...the first time I saw her," 'her', not 'Sharon', "I felt this...thing."

"What thing?" He pressed.

"Attraction, I guess. But I wasn't gonna do anything, I didn't even know what I felt." Brenda remembered that night, when she had seen Sharon at the hospital. "I wanted to hate her because of it but try as I might, I just couldn't."

"You have feelings for her?"

Brenda wanted to say no. Of course not. But the words wouldn't come. "Maybe." She shrugged. "Not love but...I feel something."

"And then you just, what? Decided to have an affair?" He was furious now - sex was one thing, feelings another.

"Not at first."

He let out a dark laugh.

"We went on as we were. Sharon didn't do anything I didn't want her to," Brenda chuckled, her face hot with embarrassment. "I always blamed her but it was just as much my fault. I thought it would just go away, I wanted it to go away but then you left town, a-and I didn't want to have an affair, I'd decided to sleep with her, just that once, and I thought it would go away then-"

"That's ridiculous!"

"It didn't seem that way at the time!" Brenda rubbed her tired eyes and tried to remember what had been going round and round in her head back then. Sharon, mostly, she realized with regret. "It made it worse. I wanted her and we slept together again, when you were gone-"

"But you met her, it says so."

Brenda glanced down at the boxes and the big, bold letters.

Evidence. Evidence against her.

"I did, okay? We met. We kissed, we had sex in the car-"

"What?"

"And then we met at the hotel-"

"Again?!"

"What do you mean, again?" Brenda looked down at the boxes and then she realized, to her utter horror, when she had first met Crawley. That night, after the Rick Zooman case, after they had slept together.

"How long? How long, Brenda?"

"When you left to arrest that guy, that drug dealer-"

"Jesus Christ!"

"That was the first time-"

"Oh, my god!"

"A-a-and then we had sex in the car, and then we met at the hotel, and then at her house, twice. And then we stopped, I swear!"

Fritz stood up then, and paced, his hands on his hips. "You actually want me to believe that?"

"It's the truth, I swear! We were friends, just friends-"

"Until you decided to have sex with her again, at the hotel."

"It wasn't like that," Brenda sniffled. "I don't know what happened. Sharon needed someone-"

"You know," Fritz hissed, "in the big scheme of things, I really don't give a shit what Sharon Raydor needs."

"I'm sorry!"

"My, god, Brenda," he said quietly.

The blonde quivered in fright, crying as her whole life imploded before her. "Just tell me what I have to do. Please? I'll do it, whatever you want!"

"Then quit!"

"What?" Surely he couldn't ask that of her. "My job?"

"Yes. Your job." He crossed his arms. "I don't want you to see her anymore."

Brenda knew, deep down, that she shouldn't agree because that was exactly what he wanted. He was leaving it up to her, to end this marriage but what with the promotion she didn't want...and the simple fact that she didn't want to end anything, Brenda nodded.

"Okay. I'll quit."

"You'll quit?"

"I will. For you. If that's what you want."

"It is."

She nodded again, trying to convince herself that she had made the right choice. "Okay. But..." She had promised Sharon. "But, if I do this, you have to promise me to leave Sharon out of this. To leave her alone."

"You're not in the position to make demands here, Brenda."

"I'm askin'. And b'sides, what you just asked of me? I think it's a hell of a lot." As he pondered, Brenda realized what power she had just given him. She had put him above her job, above herself and what she wanted. She hoped he would be satisfied with that.

"Fine." He shrugged. "Just so you know, I wasn't going to report either of you in the first place."

"Well." Brenda fought against the nausea in her tummy. "I guess I'll talk to Will tomorrow and-uh-look for a new job."

"Great. And I'll find a marriage counselor...to...fix this."

"Okay."

"And maybe it would be best if you, uh, stayed at the hotel, for now."

Brenda nodded. "Of course."

As the light turned green, Brenda took a right at the intersection for the third time and checked her mirrors. Perhaps it was a bit late to live her paranoia to its fullest but there could be no more mistakes - she had even switched her phone off.

No more calls on cell phones, no calling from the hotel, no emails, no texts. Just the extension at work.

She stopped eight blocks down and parked her car there then walked up the street. When she arrived at the house, Sharon was just stepping out the door, locking up and flinging her jacket over her shoulder.

"Sharon!"

The brunette turned around, car door open already and purse tossed onto the passenger seat. "Brenda," she groaned. "Now, I really can't talk. I've been called out." Then she shook her head, a confused expression crossing her features. "Why are you here? I mean...here and not at the scene?"

"What?"

"Provenza called me."

"Oh, no!" Brenda dug into her bag, frantically searching for her phone. "Oh, shoot! I switched it off!"

"You're a walking train wreck," Sharon said evenly as they stood there on the drive. "Sometimes I wonder how you manage...with yourself."

"Barely," Brenda retorted and switched her phone back on. "My car's all the way down there!" No more mistakes, she reminded herself and then rounded the car. "I'm comin' with you."

"Brenda!" Sharon hissed but the blonde got in anyway, the small Gucci bag on her lap. "Do you really think this is a good idea?"

Brenda rolled her eyes "Just drop me off at my car and then I'll follow you to the scene."

The brunette glared at her, just to make her feelings known, and started the car.

"I talked to Fritz." Brenda decided to just come out with it. "He agreed to leave you out of it. He won't report you and he won't be comin' knockin' on your door."

Sharon glanced at her then looked back at the road. "And you're sure of that?"

"I am," Brenda said firmly. "I gave him exactly what he wanted." She chuckled at the irony. "What he's wanted for years, in fact."

"And what's that?"

The blonde shrugged, her insides clenching at the mere thought of it. "I'll quit my job."

Sharon gasped beside her but the blonde couldn't stand to even look at her. Instead she stared out of the window. "Oh, god, Brenda. I am so sorry."

"Well." Brenda refused to cry, she had done plenty of that. "If that's what it takes. I'm just not good with change, is all."

"Oh, Brenda..." The brunette double parked next to Brenda's silver Crown Vic and sighed, dismayed.

"He knows that, if he reports this, if I have another ethics inquiry on my record, I'll get fired and then who's goin' to employ me here? We'd have to move...and everything." She leaned back, both purses on her lap and rubbed her forehead. "He's always wanted me to quit. I never have time and, at first, that was okay but he hates that I work with Will and now he doesn't want me to see you anymore."

"Oh," Sharon breathed softly. "So...he's willing to fix this?"

"He's willing to try therapy."

"And what about your job? What are you going to do?"

Brenda shook her head. "I really don't know, Sharon. I mean, I'm about to get promoted and when I quit it's gonna look real bad for Will..."

"What a mess..."

"None of it is your fault. I did this all on my own and I want you to know that I'm not angry..."

"Oh, Brenda. This is just as much my mess as it is yours." Sharon smiled then, her warm smile that always made Brenda's tummy flutter. "But thank you. For trying to make me feel better." She patted Brenda's knee softly then nodded her head towards the Crown Vic. "We better get going or we'll walk into a turf war."

Brenda smiled back. Sharon always made her feel better. "Okay. I'll follow you."

"That'll be a first."

"My, Cap'n Raydor, there's a first time for everything."