6. Chapter: Being honest

It didn't help at all. After Happy had left the SUV at the garage she had decided to clear her mind by driving through LA on her motorcycle. Sometimes she did that, when she wanted to get away from everything - even from her work. Normally the focusing on driving and the feeling of freedom to go wherever she wanted to helped to calm her and after some hours on the road she could renter the "normal world" by stopping by at her father's shop or meeting Toby at Kavelski's.

But this time it was different. After three hours of mindless driving she found herself back at the garage. The place was empty and she appreciated it that way. Happy went straight to her workspace not even glancing at the desk Toby was using everyday. She slammed her bag in the corner of her own desk and started to form some metal for a new project.

Working with hard metals always was relaxing to her and starting a new project also gave her a nice feeling of excitement. After half an hour she had ruined three different sets of material and shot her hammer on the ground. "Damn," she exclaimed and stormed to the staircase that led to the roof.

She needed air. Happy took some deep breaths in and looked at the city in front of her. It was late and LA seemed kind of quiet and peaceful. But inside of her was still raging a storm. Feelings she couldn't express and old fears of being left alone kept her mind going. She shut her eyes tightly and tried to bottle all this unwanted thoughts back up. She had done it a hundred times before, why not now.

"I called you, but you didn't answer," a calm voice behind her told her.

She sighed. "And you still don't get the message," Happy responded without turning around.

Toby stared at her back. Her whole body was tense and her tone of voice signalized that she didn't want to talk as well. He ignored it, and stayed where he were. "I get that you don't want to talk to me – or anyone – but I don't understand why."

"You don't need to shrink me," she said while crossing her arms, and her voice sounded even a little bit colder than before.

"I'm not you psychiatrist," he clarified. "I'm here because I'm your …"

He wasn't able to finish his sentence, because she abruptly turned around, looked totally mad at him and spitted: "You are nothing to me!" The tears glistening in her eyes revealed the blunt lie.

For a moment he looked like she had slapped him in the face, but then Toby instinctively knew that her next move would be escape, but he wouldn't allow that. Without any hesitation he approached her, pulled her close and kissed her like his life was depending on it.

He expected her to withdraw and at first she didn't really seem into the kiss, but after a heartbeat she gave in and kissed him back with all the anger and fear that had shaken her confidence. Toby groaned when he felt her near him and deepened the kiss, but suddenly she broke their connection and took a step back.

She was looking at him, trying to say something, but he indicated her not to. "Happy, I know I'm messed up and sometimes it's hard to put up with me and you are clearly mad at me, but I beg you don't say that I'm nothing to you. It kills me."

She took a deep breath, and then she said: "Toby, look. We shouldn't make this more complicated than it is. We have been friends for a long time now and that means something to me. Lately we fooled around a little bit and it was nice, but we should concentrate on what really matters."

"And what does really matter to you?" Toby wanted to know.

"The team and our friendship," she managed to say. "So I believe we should go back to normal again."

Toby looked like she had slapped him again. He watched her for some time, before he answered: "I can't go back to normal. I can't go back to being just friends with you." He seemed really upset. "I barely managed pretending month ago and I am pretty sure I won't be able after everything that happened."

"Please, we are not the first adults who fooled around and decided to stay friends afterwards," she was desperate to convince him and afraid of him agreeing at the same time.

"I wasn't fooling around," he told her honestly. "I made love to you. Cause I'm absolutely and irreversible, madly in love with you. And if you don't reciprocate on any level, I have to accept that, but for me it will never be the same again, because now I know how awesome we are together. There is no coming back from that."

He waited for her to say something, but when she wasn't even looking him in the eye he turned around, ready to leave.

"Why?" It wasn't more than a whisper in the night, but he heard it.

He spun around. "Cause I'm not some machine you can turn off or rebuild if you don't like it the way it is…", he was ready to explain a lot more but she shook her head.

"No, I want to know why me." Her beautiful eyes showed an unusual vulnerability. "I'm nothing like her at all."

"Like who?" Toby stated the question without even thinking, but then he realized. "Amy?" He went closer to her again and started to stroke her arms. He didn't know if he did it to calm her or to make sure this wasn't a dream.

"Yeah, her," she confirmed. "I never thought about it, but when I met her today it was obvious. I'm nothing like her at all."

"Yes, you are right," he agreed. She immediately tried to increase the distance, but he didn't let her. "I can't deny the fact that you aren't alike.

"So you admit that you try to distract yourself from her with me." She wished that that wouldn't bother her so much.

He suddenly laughed, but when he saw Happy's reaction he abruptly stopped. "Oh my goodness, is Happy Quinn really jealous?"

"It's not funny," she told him defensively.

His lingering smile got bigger again. "No, it's great!" He saw that she didn't feel the same way and decided to clarify. Toby was afraid like hell, but if he really wanted that relationship between them to work he had to be completely honest. "I'll tell you about Amy and me."

"I don't know if I want to hear that," she told him.

On the one hand he felt glad because Happy cared so much about him that she even felt jealousy because of his ex-fiancé, but on the other hand he was afraid of letting his guard down completely.

"But I'm certain you need to hear it, trust me," he said and waited for her to agree. When she did Toby told her: "When I met Amy I was young and I was attracted to her," Happy flinched, but he was still gently stroking her arms, so she stayed. "I had this urge to get everything my parents couldn't give me as a child. I wanted to be a psychiatrist to help them, but I also wanted to be successful and have a stable relationship. Amy symbolized this picked fence dream for me. I thought if I could make it work with her, I would never be alone and proof everyone that I'm nothing like my parents."

Happy saw how much it had cost him to say all this things out loud and simply wanted to end this whole drama, but she also realized that he needed to get that off his chest.

"I'm an idiot," he went on.

"Nothing new to me, doc," she agreed with a tiny smile on her face.

"I tried so hard to make it work, that I didn't realized how stupid it – I – was."

"Now you are a little bit hard on yourself," she interrupted. "There is nothing wrong about trying to do it right."

"No, there is nothing wrong about that, but I didn't see the obvious. Amy wanted someone stable, career-driven, well-mannered. She wanted Quincy. That's what she told me today, when we were in that office." Happy wanted to interrupt, but he signalized her not to. "It doesn't matter any more; I screwed up our relationship as well so I can't blame her, and especially because I'm so much happier now than I was then."

"You are?" She sounded surprised.

"I told you the truth last week. I have never been happier in my life and if you like it or not you are one of the reasons why." Toby thought that that would be the perfect moment for a romantic kiss under the stars, but Happy wasn't ready yet.

"That wasn't an answer to my question," she noted. "Why me?"

"Now you are fishing for compliments," he accused her.

"Okay, if we are completely honest here," she started. "You aren't the only one with a messed up personality, so I wonder what could possible attract you about that."

Now he really was laughing and he pulled her closer. "Happy Quinn, you are the most amazing woman I ever met. Like I told you already you are smart, capable and sexy as hell. Being with you is exciting and comforting at the same time. You always ground me and I love spending time with you," he could go on like that for decades she realized pleasantly surprised and stopped him with a heated kiss.

They embraced each other on the roof and shared the most passionate kiss in history. When they both needed to breathe again Toby looked relieved. "So is it safe to assume that I'm not that bad myself?"

"Like you said you are an idiot and barely tolerable sometimes, but you are mine, doc."

"Not as eloquently as I wished, but I take what I get," he joked and tried to kiss her again but she put her hands on his chest to stop him.

"Is there something else," he wanted to know.

"Yeah," she looked him deep in the eyes. "It was a long day, let's go home."

"Together?" The question was full of hopes and promises.

"Together."