A./N.: Highly emotionally charged! We see more of the sisters and finally have a resolution between Charles and Elsie that should put those last doubts to rest. You judge. I'm finally back on track with this story and happily hacking away at my computer. More updates should follow soon. Hope you enjoy this chapter and if you feel so inclined leave a review. I thank each and every one of you who shares theirs feeling and opinions with me. You help keep me going. Thank you so much, love you all.
Blood of My Blood
Glenna still lay on the couch, holding Elsie's body close to her and stroking her back over and over. Elsie had calmed, resting quietly in her arms now. It was safe to say that both sisters felt emotionally drained after their frank talk. Their tea had gone cold a long time ago (not that they had noticed). Neither of them wanted to move from their comfortable position. Elsie snuggled even further into her sister's embrace.
"I have not realized before how much I missed this," Elsie murmured at last, drawing soft chuckles from Glenna.
"One is never too old to hug and cuddle," she agreed readily. "Brian supplies those in abundance …"
"For you," Elsie retorted sounding almost angry and envious. "I am alone," she whispered after a while and her eyes blurred from unshed tears, even as she cuddled closer to Glenna, seeking warmth and comfort.
Glenna's eyes flew open and she nearly choked on a sob bubbling up from deep within her soul. Her arms instinctively tightened around Elsie's body, drawing the younger woman closer, almost suffocating her against her maternal bosom. "No, my lass, you are not alone," she said fiercely, barely holding her emotions in check. "You have friends and family standing by your side – and you have an honourable, good man as your fiancé …"
"But that is what I mean," Elsie mumbled into her sister's chest. "Will I have him by my side?" Charles had reassured her that he would stand by her, give her child his name, and not let shame come over her, but Elsie was less sure than she had admitted to him. It was easy to say so hypothetically with her securely wrapped in her many layers of clothing, barely showing in just her shift, but would he really honour his promise when the child was born? She wasn't sure if any man could love a child that wasn't his and had come into this world through … she shuddered just thinking about that.
"Will you now tell me about the other events?" Glenna asked tentatively, holding Elsie against her chest and silently steeling herself to hear more revelations. They had to finish their talk though, because Glenna knew that Elsie hadn't been overly dramatic when she said that she didn't think she could find the courage twice to talk about what had happened. She had already heard more than she thought she could stomach, her heart could bear, but she would not abandon her little sister now, still deeply worried and unsettled. "Why Mr Carson and not Joe? You cannot mean that and still choose him over Joe."
Elsie's head shot up and shocked stormy-blue eyes met calm sapphire pools. Angrily Elsie struggled to push herself away from Glenna and she made to get up off the couch, but her older sister tightened her arms around her. "You owe me that explanation, Elsie," Glenna ground out between clenched teeth. This was infinitely harder than she had anticipated because she had obviously struck a nerve within her younger sister. "Elsie, I don't know that man apart from what you wrote in your letters, but even I can see that he would never hurt you. You must know that better than anybody … don't you? He might very well love you, but I imagine that he is hurting for you, seeing you so broken", she said softly, locking her eyes with Elsie's and holding her gaze fixed on her, trying to make her see what she saw. "God knows I'm hurting for you, my darling girl."
Elsie's eyes overflowed with tears as she struggled to take everything in. She had not talked to anyone this honestly and her own emotions were too multiple and frightening to face, but Glenna, strong and steady as she had always been, made her do just that. Carefully she reached out a hand and touched her sister's arm with shaking fingers, needing desperately to feel steady. Glenna didn't shy away from her, but placed her own work-worn hand over hers reassuringly. Elsie's eyes locked on their intertwined hands with a sad expression on her face. They both had their mother's hands, capable and strong; hands that knew how to work and toil. Glenna's were softer than hers, also made to stroke through soft downy hair and sooth scraped knees, the hands of a mother and not just a automaton for work. That is where Elsie's greatest fear lay, but she couldn't voice it, focusing her worry instead on Charles and his capabilities to be a father.
"How can he accept this child? How can you accept it?" she whispered heart-broken, the words leaving her mouth without conscious thought. "I don't want to lose you or him, but I fear that this child will come between us." Tears were running down her cheeks and her shoulders trembled with the effort to suppress her sobs.
Glenna felt as if her heart was being ripped out of her chest. Every one of her children had been a creation of the great love between her and her husband, had been wanted, longed for until the day they were born, treasured. A pregnancy was something beautiful, sacred, but even that had been tainted for Elsie. Clenching her hands into tight fists to suppress the urge to swear violently and hurl something at the ghost of that vile man in the room with them, Glenna pressed a tender kiss to Elsie's forehead, before forcing her sister to look up into her eyes.
"That will only happen if you let it. Mo gradh (my heart), we are all here, aren't we? I promise you to help you in any way I can and I will be here for you when your time comes. There is no force on earth that could keep me away. Brian will not see you cast out into the street either," she reassured softly, but with a steely undertone. It was clear as a highland loch that she meant every single word. "As for your bear of a man," she moved on, trying to bring a smile to Elsie's lips. "I doubt a team of horses could move him!"
Her younger sister's eyes were as round as saucers as she shyly looked up at her, mouth hanging slightly agape. Tears were still glistening in her lashes, but now there was a light in her eyes, a desperate wish to believe her sister's words unquestioningly as she had as a little girl. Glenna chuckled softly, chucking her pointer finger under Elsie's chin, softly closing her mouth. "Else all the flies will come in," she winked mischievously. "Besides I'm only telling you the truth you are too thick to see for yourself."
At that Elsie huffed and rolled her eyes. "Oh you," she exclaimed good-naturedly. Turning her head to the side, she could feel her cheeks burning under the scrutiny of her older sister. She wasn't sure what her sister looked for in her expression or countenance, but she was anxious that she find it there, afraid that if she didn't it would point out some deficiency on her part. Somehow she felt that this would be a pivotal point for her, a tightening, almost sick feeling permeating her stomach. She could see Glenna's eyes soften again in a way that scared her almost more than anything that had happened. It was a look of someone who steeled oneself to hurt the person one loved most and Elsie knew without a sliver of a doubt that she didn't want to hear it.
"Please … Glenna, don't …" she whispered, trying to squirm out of her sister's grasp but she was held firmly in place. Her struggles became frantic and suddenly there was a roaring noise in her ears. It wasn't enough to drown out her sister's words, though.
oOoOoOo
Beryl sat down on the other chair and nodded sadly. She was lost in thoughts for a moment and didn't immediately respond to Charles' pleading look. When she did eventually look up into his face, she was surprised to see large tears running down his cheeks. "I love her, Beryl," he whispered softly. "I can't live without her. What can I do to reassure her?"
His good friend shook her head sadly, avoiding his eyes and wringing her hands. She had tried to stay out of this budding romance, feeling that she would only be in the way and more of a hindrance than help, but also encourage Elsie to open up more again. Apparently, though, her oldest friend needed her more now. Gathering her courage, she tentatively raised her gaze and locked eyes with him.
"She is afraid of anyone's touch, Charles," she admitted softly. You should have seen her when Ms O'Brien wanted to take her measurements. All of a sudden she grew all shy on us, her, who is usually such a strong woman." Sighing deeply, Beryl confessed something to Charles she hadn't told anyone else, "I think she is more worried about her own feelings and worries, but is too afraid to voice them so she hides behind her insecurities towards you."
The scales fell off Charles' eyes and he could have hit himself for his stupidity. Eyes large and mouth suddenly completely dry, he felt like thumping his head down onto his desk, but apparently Beryl wasn't done with her revelations.
"You have reassured her time and again, it's true," she said softly, smiling soppily at her friend before hitting him with another bit of the truth. "We have all been tiptoeing around her and that has been a mistake. We have tried to shield her and only succeeded in making it easier for her to bury her real problems. I don't think she is insecure about you or your love … but more about herself and her love."
In a flash Charles was out of his seat, startling Beryl into a shriek as he charged her and hugged her fiercely, pressing a quick, chaste kiss onto her cheek, before exiting his pantry. He barrelled past Lady Mary, without really seeing her, and took two steps at a time on his way upstairs.
oOoOoOo
"Please … Glenna, don't …" Elsie whispered.
Glenna felt her insides turn to ice as she observed the dread in Elsie's eyes and the earnest attempt to get away. She had never been very good with confronting other people with their problems. The only reason for her to go on was that she wanted Elsie to heal, soul and body.
"You will make a good mother, Elsie," she whispered, her eyes locked on Elsie's panicked ones. "And you will make a very good wife."
Sobs broke from Elsie as she finally wrenched herself free of Glenna's grasp. The words had been spoken softly and with conviction. There was nothing harsh or unkind about them and still Elsie felt like she had been slapped across her face. She silently shook her head back and forth. "You don't know that," she wailed, sounding like the small child she had once upon a time been. All her secret fears broke free and spilled forth, baring her innermost self. "What if I mess up being a wife? I don't know the first thing about being married or being a mother. I couldn't bear to disappoint Charles. I love him and I want him to be happy. He will never be that with me. What if I die and leave him with a child that isn't his? He would never forgive me. I can't lose him, Glenna, I couldn't bear that."
It was a testament of her deep-rooted insecurities about herself to voice these doubts. Glenna sat up slowly and clasped her hands together in front of her, waiting for Elsie to calm a little before addressing her.
"You can always get rid of it …" she spoke about the unthinkable, knowing what effect it would have on her deeply-religious and highly moral sister.
As expected Elsie stepped back in shock, both of her hands immediately flying up and crossing over her stomach protectively. "No," she gasped faintly, all colour draining from her face and her knees buckling dangerously. "No!" Her voice was stronger, angrier and far more resolute. "I would never … No!" She nearly screamed at Glenna. "How can you even suggest that?" she demanded furiously.
Summoning all the sang-froid her kind, overflowing heart could possibly hold, Glenna stood up coldly and faced her defensive sister. "If Mr Carson will only ever accept you without any baggage, then there is no other choice." She suddenly had to duck out of the way. Elsie, her sometimes timid, insecure little sister, had struck out against her. The force of the intended blow made Elsie nearly pivot on the spot as it missed its mark.
"A mhastaig (you bitch)! How dare you? Charles Carson is an honourable man, the kindest man I have ever met in all my life. He'll marry me despite the child, because he loves me. You don't know him, you could never know the pure love he has for me. I can't believe you even thought about this! This is my child, you hear me, my child and I would sooner cut my heart out then … I can't even say the word. Charles and I will marry and I will have this child, his child. I'll marry him willingly, trobhad seo (listen here), because I love him", she yelled at the other woman, fiercely defending Charles and her baby. For the first time since her attack she didn't feel helpless anymore, rightfully angry on behalf of her betrothed and her unborn child. She hadn't been aware of her conscious decision to both marry Charles whole-heartedly and also to honour this marriage. Lately she had felt forced into making decisions she didn't want, only ever complying with what seemed to be the only way, never stopping for one second and admitting that this was truly what she wanted.
A soft clearing of one's throat was heard from the door, sparing Glenna a reply and distracting Elsie's wrath from her sister. "Might the father of the child say something too?" asked Charles' voice. "I will never in my life hurt you ... I would rather cut off my hands than hurt you or our child, Elsie." They shared a loving gaze into each other's eyes before Charles spoke again, "Neither will I ever leave you ..."
Glenna's voice broke through the meaningful atmosphere around her. She obviously hadn't meant what she had said moments before, but she wanted to know that this Mr Carson would really do right by her sister. "I just want to know one thing", she said, her voice cutting and her eyes cold. "I want to know why you are marrying her."
Charles sat his jaw firmly. Truth was he kept asking himself that same question. Was it obligation as Elsie had already accused him of? Was it a sense of duty he felt towards her as a friend and long-standing colleague? Was it some perverse urge to obey his employer's orders like the well-trained servant he was? "Do you not want me to marry her and leave her with a sullied reputation?" he asked back, desperate to buy some time. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Elsie worrying her bottom lip as she averted her gaze and seemed to retreat back into herself.
"Never mind what I want. What I want now is to know. Will you marry her because you want to – or because you think you should?" Glenna's sharp voice brought his attention back to her.
He looked at her for a long moment, then down at his hands, clasped together in front of him. "Perhaps both. Perhaps neither. I don't know", he said very softly. "That's God's truth; I don't know."
Elsie, who had been silent since he had come into the room, nodded deep in thought and then said quietly but clearly, "I don't want to be your wife, if you'll marry me for duty." She looked at him then, her eyes soft with pain. "I've seen my parents' marriage made from love – and I've seen marriages made out of obligation when I entered service." She stopped and swallowed, then went on, looking at Charles. "If I hadn't seen both, I could have lived with obligation. But I have seen both – and I won't." Elsie couldn't hold back her tears any longer and buried her head in her hands. She had defended him in front of her sister and had finally admitted to herself that she really wanted him to marry her out of love only to have him realize now that it would only be out of obligation for him.
Charles felt as though someone had struck him in the breastbone. Their marriage, she meant. She had told her sister that she would marry him out of love and free will. How could he doubt her and the rightness of the decision he had already made? He coughed to break the silence and cleared his throat. Approaching Elsie cautiously, he took her hands in both of his and drew her gently against his chest. Her eyes flickered up to looked into his, not sure what to expect anymore. He chose his words carefully, but spoke without hesitation. "When I'll marry you in two weeks, I will listen intently to the vows I'll be about to make because they can far better express to you what is in my heart than I ever could. They say 'in health and in sickness' and 'for better or for worse' and most importantly 'until death do us part'. I already mean every word of those vows because I love you. I ... I truly do."
Elsie knew he was telling the truth. She felt the same way about him. Her tears continued to flow, but they were now tears of joy. He felt something akin to romantic love for her, not obligations but love. She wanted to tell him that she understood, and that he was forgiven, but her voice simply wouldn't comply with her heart's wishes.
"I told you I will love this child as my own ..." Charles added, feeling insecure about her silence and wanting to make her understand.
"Will you really be able to look at him or her and not see G-Grigg? Will you really be able to love … it?" Elsie interrupted him, tugging her hands out of his and wringing them. This was the moment of truth, she knew. When he gave her a negative answer she wouldn't know what to do. She loved Charles with all her heart, but how could she have a marriage with him if she felt the touch of another, saw him in her dreams, carried his child or even worse had to abort it. She couldn't make this sacrifice.
"I will be honest with you, Elsie", Charles said, heaving a sigh. "At first I will accept the child because of you and the love I feel for you. Given time I am positive that I can love her for her own sake and overlook how she was conceived and who fathered her. I meant it. I will be her father and she will be my own blood."
She heard his silent plea to accept him and his honest intentions and her heart answered for her. Although her voice didn't work, her body did – and she propelled herself back into his arms. Their lips met in the gentlest of kisses. Each trying to convey the love they had for one another, the understanding. They would have a difficult road ahead of them, but they could and would make it together.