Chapter 16
John sat on the last stairs of the dilapidated alley. For some reason, the huts around the Hall of Life hadn't been used for quite some time. He had found that little corner of peace after a few months in the Village of Infinity. Due to its proximity to the rocky promontory of the all, it was one of the warmest place to be. It had also allowed him to survive the cold on many a freezing night; fires went unnoticed closer to the billowing smoke of the Hall. One of the remaining huts' walls were covered with marking. Counting the days had been the only way to insure his sanity. 888 strokes. So many that from a distance, the walls looked completely black. Despite his proximity to his catalyst, he'd never revealed the location of his hiding spot. He wasn't naive enough to think the youth didn't know about it, but he had been nice enough to let him hold on to this remaining shred of privacy.
He was upset. Upset because Jack was acting like an ungrateful prick. Did he even have an idea of the hardship he had suffered for him? At the same time, he was hopeful. The man's reaction possibly meant that he would refuse the sacrifice and they would both get to go home together. That had been the plan, at least in the beginning. John had grown fond of his catalyst. Although he tried not to think about it, he could not help but constantly be reminded that the boy would die and that he would play a part in it. This in turn made him angry at Jack for making him go to this extent.
He took a deep breath. This was the kind of train of thoughts that usually sent him in a flying rage, only to be followed by tears. This place had turned him into an emotional wreck. He picked at the hem of his tunic. By then Jack would know how the ceremony would proceed and he would need to make a decision.
The sun was getting low on the horizon but they were so high up that the light of the nearby sun still flooded the peaks. Jack and the catalyst walked in silence towards the Hall of Life. The young man was still holding his hand and Jack felt that it was the only thing holding him together. They stopped when they reached the stairs leading to the back door.
"Do you have the moonstone, Jack?"
He nodded and snapped it off the string he had used to fasten it around his wrist. The catalyst took a red string from his own pocket and wrapped it around the stone in a complex knot. He handed it back to Jack.
"Put it around my neck. We must create the bond before night falls. By this exchange, I will officially become your catalyst."
The stone weighed a ton between Jack's finger. There was no turning around. He had to make a decision now. He cleared his throat.
"And if I refuse?"
The boy shrugged.
"Either I will live until death naturally takes me or I will be chosen for another supplicant. In both cases, John's sacrifice will have been in vain."
With trembling fingers, Jack tied the string around the youth's neck. He stepped back. The boy seemed content.
"Sometimes, one must accept the gift they need, not the one they want."
Jack nodded, feeling strangely relieved.
"Now what?"
"The ceremony will take place at the break of dawn. You will need to spend the night in meditation in the Hall. The Elder will tell you what to do."
Jack looked at the sky and gave his surroundings a quick glance.
"How long till night fall?"
The boy smiled.
"Long enough to see John. Take that path, there, to the right. It leads to a disused area of the village. John has made one of the huts his hiding place. See you in the morning, Jack. It was an honor to meet you."
With these last words, the youth turned away and started walked back to the Infinity Village. Jack quickly caught up with him.
"Wait! What is your name?"
He looked up at him over his shoulder.
"I didn't have one until I became yours. My name is Ianto."
He grinned.
John heard footsteps and jumped to his feet. He couldn't help but smile when he saw Jack coming towards him. So the boy had known. He walked up to the landing to meet his companion. They stopped at a distance. Jack cleared his throat.
"I... You... You must be cold."
"Is that all you have to say?"
They stared at each other for a moment. Jack sighed and raised his hand to pinch the bridge of his nose. Something in John gave. The moonstone was gone from the man's wrist.
"Sorry. A bit on edge. I'm cold but I'm used to it. It's ok."
Jack squinted, reading John as if trying to detect a trap.
"I see you've finally accepted my gift." said John, pointing at Jack's wrist. The man instantly covered it with his other hand.
"Yes. I. I couldn't let your sacrifice go to waste."
John snorted in spite of himself.
"But you could throw away another youth's life away. Some things never change."
Jack flared up in anger.
"I never asked you to do this. This was my decision to make. You forced me into this. What the hell were you thinking? Was this your way of getting back at me?!"
John crossed the space that separated them and shoved Jack.
"Why the fuck do you think I did this? Think for a few seconds! Use that immortal brain of yours!"
"I have no idea! That's why I'm asking!"
"I did it because I love you!"
The shouting match was over. John turned his back to Jack.
"I did it because I love you. Because all I've ever wanted since that time loop ended is get back into it and be with you."
His shoulders slumped. Jack closed his fists at his side. John had never punched him so hard than with the words he had just dropped on him just now.
"I thought you hated me. You tried to kill me."
"I tried to scare you. Had I wanted you dead you would have died a long time ago. Before that immortality curse of yours. I figured that if I gave you closure with Ianto you'd come to me. None of this was for you. It was all fore me. All for me."
He hugged himself. Jack slowly turned John around. He felt the man tense at his touch. Gently, he lifted his chin.
"John. I. I can't even start to express how grateful I am for what you did. I will probably never be able to repay you for this..."
"Just say you'll be with me. That'll be more than enough." John interrupted. Jack shook his head.
"John. This is the best and worst thing that has ever happened to me. I will never be able to repay you but this boy's death will also haunt me forever. But more than that, you have to understand that even without all this I could never be with you. We could never be together. What we shared in that time loop was unique and could never be replicated in real life. I have affection for you, and the sex was great, always, but I don't love you the way you love me."
The shattered look in John's eyes broke his heart, but he was tired of this game. It had gone long enough and now that he knew the true nature of it, he had to put and end to it, even if it meant that he would never see John ever again.
John took a step back, stood upright, clicked his heels and have Jack a military salute.
"Thank you for everything."
Jack replied in kind before embracing John one last time. The man never gave in the embrace. Jack let go and kissed him on the forehead.
"Thank you, my friend."
He turned around and left without looking back, fearing that his resolve would break.
John took a few steps towards his hut before his knees gave and buckled under him. He held on to the wall to prevent himself from falling down the stairs. His back against the hut, he drew his knees to his chest. He waited. His chest felt as hollow. As if his heart had suddenly turned to paper and combusted, leaving a charred hole in his rib cage. He took a look at the blackened walls of his hut. Each one of these marks a day wasted towards an unattainable dream. His vision blurred. He rested his forehead on his knees. He let the tears come. Then the sobs. Before he knew it he was wailing, pulling at his hair.
"It hurts. I hurts so much. Make it stop. Please. Please. Please make it stop."
Like a mantra, he kept on repeating the words. They grew more and more slurred with each sob, melting into one another like a litany.
He might have been crying for only a few minutes or a an entire year, he had no idea, when he felt a warm hand on the back of his head. He looked up, hoping that Jack had come back, but it was his catalyst. He sobbed.
"I'm sorry, John. I am so, so sorry."
And then, for the first time, the young man embraced John. One of his smooth hands rested on the side of his head, caressing his temple softly. He could feel his chin on the top of his head. Soon, he felt his body being rocked side to side, slowly.
"Remember," whispered the youth. "Remember that there is more to you than what was."
John tried to remember. But all he could do right now was let the pain tear him to pieces.