[WARNING: Stereotyping ahead. Let me remind you this was not meant to offend anyone.]

Smoking Beauty - Scene 2 - The Castle

[King and Queen stand center stage, with a pile of crap behind them, consisting of wrapping paper, clothes, and baby toys. Colourful lights are coming from one of the wings. Pumping nineties music is heard with constant faint chatter. A banner hangs stating: Congratulations on your "bundle of joy!" It's a baby shower/rave for Auroura. A pair of identical male twins enter with a large wrapped box.]

Twin 1: [yells to Queen over music:] Thank you for inviting us!

Queen: [smiles and chuckles, then suddenly drops the act] Give us the box. [Twin 2 gives her the box. Points to party zone.] Go get drunk! [Twins exit. Queen reads card.] This gift was given to us by a weird old man who said to give it to you two. We actually didn't get you anything. From, H and H. [rips box open. ]

King: What'd we get? [music starts to fade out.]

Queen: Just some more shitty toys. [dumps box out. Dozens of purple dildos fall out. She tosses the box behind her. Three fairies enter: Flora, an uptight, British fairy; Fauna, a cheerful, laid back fairy, and Lizbeth, a stereotypical lesbian with short hair and tattoos fairy. All the fairies are in their early twenties.]

Lizbeth: …and so that's why I'm no longer welcome at the Hot Topic in the mall.

Fauna: k.

Flora: [clears throat] We have come to bestow our gifts upon your daughter-

Fauna: And get wasted.

King: Excellent. Proceed.

Fauna: [steps foreword] Where's the baby?

Queen: I'm sure I just had it somewhere… [starts to rummage through the pile of rejected toys and wrapping paper. Finally, at the bottom of the pile, is baby Auroura. Queen picks her up.]

Fauna: Put it on the ground.

Queen: [drops Auroura] Oops.

Fauna: [pulls out wand] I give her the delicate, slutty body of a dancer. She will be lean, strong, and very whorish. [looks at wand, puts it away, and spits on Auroura. Flora steps foreword.]

Flora: I give her the gift of being loved by all and be the kindest of souls.

Queen: Fuck that cliché. NEXT!

Flora: Wait, wait! I'll give her the gift of being loved by all and… and… [rolls eyes] and she can give good bjs. [casts spell on Auroura with wand.]

Queen: [to Lizbeth:] And you? [All of a sudden, a green flash of light happens, and there stands a puke-covered, clueless, and completely wasted Millifacent.]

Millifacent: [yelling whenever she speaks, pointing in the general direction of Queen:] YOU! You… you dinit inbide me tuh yor party! I wanted tuh… tuh…[throws up everywhere] And YOU! [stumbles over to King.] You're a… a … [seems to struggle with the word] a DICK!

Queen: Millifacent, what are you talking about?

King: You've been here the whole time, and from what I can tell, getting hammered.

Millifacent: [doesn't process what they said. To Queen:) Don't lie tuh me yoo SKANK! I'm gunna… (hurls) …I'm gonna put a curse on yer bebe!

Queen: (to Millifacent, concerned:) Millie, do you need someone to call you a cab?

Millifacent: (swirling her finger, creating a penis-shaped cloud of magic) Buh-four thuh sun sets un heare six-theenth birthday, she's gunna die uv… uv… (barfs) uv a DRYUG OVRDOZE!

King: (to Queen:) What do you think she's doing? (Queen shrugs. Millifacent points at the penis cloud, which jizzes magic all over Auroura. Millifacent drunk laughs) Are you gonna, like, pass out or something? Because I really don't want to have to clean that up. (Millifacent laughs, which turns into coughing. She pukes, passes out, and starts drooling.) Perfect. Yep, just lie down right there. That's just fucking perfect.

Queen: (frantically to Lizbeth:) Can your gift fix any of this?
Lizbeth: (nervously chuckles) Heh, heh, yeah, um… I thought I would be presenting my gift first… and we were saving the best for last… so… (hands her an envelope) here's a gift card to Target…

Queen: (opens envelope) 15 dollars? You might as well have just spit in the envelope!

King: Are you sure there's nothing else you ca do? Like, you know, fucking TRY!?/1?!

Lizbeth: What do you expect me to do?

Queen: Just use some of your lesbian fairy magic!

Lizbeth: (offended:) It's just regular fairy magic…

King: Then use some of your regular fairy magic!

Lizbeth: I can't completely erase the curse, you know… (Queen takes out a wad of bills and starts fanning herself with them) But that doesn't mean I can't try! (thinks a moment) She will die on the night of her sixteenth birthday, unless… she gives a boy the best night of his life before then. (picks up Auroura and blows her nose on her. Drops her.)

King: That's it? We're just gonna hope that some boy comes around willing to fuck her? (gets looks from others) Okay, that probably isn't the hard part, but can't we do anything else?

Queen: Well…we can start by outlawing drugs…

Flora: Wait! You mean to tell me that drugs aren't already outlawed?

King: yeah.

Flora: (rolls eyes) Of course they aren't. Why would they be?

King: We need to hide away Peanut Butter, here, until she turns 16. Then we can make sure she won't be exposed to any drugs.

Queen: Hide her away? Like, behind a bookcase, or something? Because I'm okay with that…

Fauna: We'll take her.

Flora, Lizbeth: Fauna!?

Fauna: (puts a hand in front of them) WITH generous compensation. How about…900,000? (King and Queen share a look of utter shock and faint. Fairies question what to do with hand gestures, some rude and irrelevant. Flora and Lizbeth take Auroura out the way they came. Fauna walks over to King, Queen, and Millifacent and goes through their pockets. In King's pocket, she finds a checkbook. She fills out a check, obviously with a lot of 0s, and tears it out. In Queen's pocket, she finds some bills, and a hellton of bobby pins. In Millifacent pocket, she finds some change and a tampon. She comes across the Target gift card, and tosses it aside, muttering something like "stupid whore…." She exits with the other fairies. When she slams the door closed, King, Queen, and Millifacent wake up.)

Millifacent: (holding forehead:) Oh, god! Why does my head hurt so bad? (throws up. Music fades back in. to King and Queen:) Let's get shitfaced. (walks into party. King and Queen shrug, and follow.)