A/N: Long hiatus? Check. Triumphant return? Check. Unnecessary check list? ….Check.
Chapter Three
Everyone stared stupidly after Bluestar. She never told them that they could leave. Except Graypaw moved anyway because screw rules and traditions.
"YOU," he shrieked, tossing a twig in Firepaw's general direction. "I'm going to politely take you on a tour of the camp as any self-respecting host should." He blinked three times.
"Okie dokie," Firepaw shrugged. If there was any cat he could trust, it was that crazy leader and this random cat who had attacked him yesterday. He followed Graypaw towards a stupid-looking structure.
"What is this thing," Graypaw asked.
"How should I know? You're the one giving me a tour."
"Oh right. That's the elder's den. It's full of old as dirt cats. If you don't shut them up, they'll keep on talking forever," Graypaw informed. "Only go in with moss stuffed in your ears."
They moved on to the next den. It appeared to be haunted with the wails of tortured cats. "This is the nursery. There are little baby kittens in there with their bitch moms. Don't go in there ever….over there is the warriors' den, if you can't figure out that one out, you have no hope. That's the apprentices' den where you, a bunch of maggots and the fabulous Graypaw will be staying."
"Okay, that's cool, but I feel like there's something missing…something you're not showing me."
"Uh…er….I dunno. Maybe Spottedleaf cam help. She's the medicine cat- she's cool." Graypaw and Firepaw marched towards a crack in the wall. Well, a crack in a rock, but whatever.
"HEY SPOTTEDLEAF. WE NEED SOME ASSOSSTANCE." It was a full five minutes before a tortoiseshell poked her head from out of the crack. Firepaw felt his heart explode. Not literally, but it was pretty damn close. She was the most beautiful cat he had ever seen…
"What the hell do you want," she yawned.
"I'm providing an adequate tour for the Clan's newcomer and felt obligated to show him the medicine cat's de," Graypaw informed her.
"Oh, hello….why are you staring at me? WHY?" Firepaw jumped. He didn't know he was staring. He couldn't help it.
"Um…uh….hi," he meowed weakly. "I didn't mean to stare."
"Quite lying," Graypaw snorted. "Even if she wanted to, she can't have kits 'cause she's a medicine cat. So get the thought out of your head or you'll feel nothing but heartache."
"That sounds horrible. I thank you for the advice, but I humbly decline."
Without warning, a black cat crashed into camp, looking like a madman.
Fighting to catch his breath, the cat let out a distraught wail. "REDTAIL IS DEAD." He then fell to the ground like a total drama queen. The camp went into a complete meltdown.
"WHAT?!"
"LIES. HORRID PUTRID LIES."
"Who's Redtail again?"
Firepaw turned to Graypaw. "Yeah, who the hell in Redtail?"
"He's Bluestar's deputy. Well, was," he snickered. "Well, I'm going to hell for turning that into a joke."
Bluestar rolled out from the crowd as Spottedleaf moved towards the cat. "Whoever did this will be beaten mercilessly and fed to hungry squirrels," she growled. "What's the news, Spottedleaf?"
"Well. He's not dead. He'll be fine in a couple of days."
"Good to hear, I suppose."
Suddenly, an enormous tabby strolled into camp, carrying a freakin' corpse. There seemed to be a shadow over his face, even though he was directly in the moonlight. "This cat," he announced, "Is dead. Deader than a doorknob."
"Yeah thanks for the update Tigerclaw. You're a bit late for that," a voice called from among the other cats.
"I. Will. End you," he hissed. "But yeah. Oakheart killed him, so I killed him. It's a very simple."
Well that's good. Firepaw thought. There's no way that there's anything suspicious about that.