Chapter 14
Richard Castle was ill. Terrible, terrifically sick. In fact, as he stood in cavernous makeshift chapel at the Fitzgerald estate watching Kate and William practice their matrimonial vows, he was certain he had never felt worse in his life. Not even the two antacids Kevin slipped him were aiding his churning gut.
To say things had not gone as he intended was a grand understatement. Blown up in his face seemed more accurate assuming that explosion was akin to that of a nuclear bomb. He could have hardly imagined a worse outcome, as it happened.
Three weeks earlier not one doubt existed in his mind that he would be able to terminate the engagement between Kate and the British professor. At that time, he thought it to be so unchallenging it would be amusing, which was why he included Javier and Kevin in on his scheming. He'd break them up and they'd have a good story to go along with it.
As time went on and each of his plans began to crack, crumble and fail, his worry grew, but he still knew he had a high likelihood of success. His belief hadn't faltered until that morning, when her wedding dress didn't show up and, now, after his failed attempt at a practice speech, horror coursed through his veins at the notion that Kate might actually be married to William in less than twenty-four hours. Worse yet, he'd have a front row seat.
Robotically, he went through the motions of the wedding rehearsal, letting the clergymen tell him when to walk down the aisle and where to stand. All the while, Kate avoided his gaze, which he figured was for the best. Had she looked at him, he may not have been able to control his reaction. If she looked sad, he probably would have dropped to his knees then and there, begged for her forgiveness and a second chance. If she looked angry, he would have been too devastated to continue on and probably would have walked right out of the room, never to look back.
As the rehearsal came to an end, Castle inadvertently bore witness to a rare public kiss between Kate and William. Immediately, he felt as though a hot iron was slicing through his chest down into his gut. Watching them be intimate was pure torture for him. He hated it and never wanted to see it again. In fact—
That's when it hit him. The full weight of what Kate had said during their argument in his room an hour earlier. He didn't like William and only had to put up with him for that day and the next. The finality of her statement implied that she and William never had intentions of returning to New York—at least, not in a permanent capacity. They would jet off to Cairo then move back to London or possibly to another foreign destination. If they came back to Manhattan, presumably it would just before a visit and, clearly by her statement, it would not be to spend significant time with him.
The stakes were now immeasurably high and success and failure fell into two very clear categories. If he succeeded and stopped the wedding, things would remain as they were, but if he failed it was not just an opportunity to be in a relationship to be with Kate he would lose. No, it appeared he would lose his best friend all together.
With such a nauseating notion bouncing around in his brain, Castle shuffled his way back to the dining room along with the rest of the wedding party. Javier and Kevin gave him curious glances, but he shook his head. He hadn't told anyone about his fight with Kate and, in that moment, he didn't have the heart to. Honestly, he wasn't even sure he wanted to sit down at the dinner table. His appetite was so nonexistent he feared he would be unable to eat enough food to be polite without needing to excuse himself from the meal due to illness.
Just outside the dining room, Castle felt a hand slip around his elbow. Looking to his left, he saw Kate's father his usual jovial expression replaced by a knitted brow and tight lips. "You don't look like you're having very much fun, Rick."
Castle let out a mirthless laugh. "What gave it away?"
Jim nodded his head slowly. "You know Katie's not really mad at you about the dress?" He'd spoken with his daughter after her return from London and she seemed genuinely happy with her latest gown. Granted, that could have been relief that she was able to find a dress that actually fit her. Plus, she seemed very excited that it had been on a clearance rack and cost her less than five hundred pounds.
"No, I know. We…talk about it. Kind of. It's just…" He sighed and gazed into the dining area where Kate and William chatted with the clergymen. Williams's parents stood several feet behind them, whispering at each other, displeased expressions on their face. "These people don't seem all that welcoming of her. I don't think she'll be happy…do you? I mean do you think she's happy with William?"
Jim rocked back on his heels as he observed at his only child. Knowing she had never been one to jump head first into anything, he'd been suspicious of her speedy engagement right from the get go, but after his less-than-stellar tea with the Fitzgerald family the prior afternoon, his trepidation had grown even further. "I think she wants to be happy and she believes William will make her happy."
"But what if there's someone who can make her happier?" Castle challenged. He met the elder man's gaze with no intention of hiding the fact that he believed himself to be that man.
Jim wasn't surprised at all. In fact, he'd been waiting for it to happen for years. He'd say one thing, though: for being a generally sharp, brilliant man the writer did have awful timing. "I'd say that person is very quickly running out of time." With that, he patted Castle's arm and walked into the dining room.
The tension across Castle's back, shoulders and neck did not lessen during the duration of dinner. If anything, his muscles were even more knotted by the time William thanked everyone for all they had done to aid in the speedy wedding at the close of their meal. This was it; his final chance.
As he was out of both time and options, Castle knew he had to go for broke and lay everything out for Kate. He had to tell her how he felt—how he really felt. As he had heavily guarded his heart for years, such a concept was petrifying, but he knew his heartfelt emotions were an advantage in this particular instance. Surely, if he bared his soul to her she wouldn't turn him down. She would see just how strongly he felt and give them a chance. That was assuming he could get the words out without making a mess of things—again.
The dinner guests began pushing themselves up from the table and drifting towards the hallway, chatting amongst themselves. Castle remained still, though, watching Kate and William have a private moment, his fists clenched into sweaty balls. Soon, they too pushed back from the table and began their journey towards the stairs. Now or never, Castle thought to himself, pushing his chair back with such force he nearly tipped it.
"Ah, Kate? Could-could I speak to you for just a moment?" Castle said tentatively as she passed him.
Her gaze fell into one of exhaustion before she looked over a William. He looked as stoic as Castle had ever seen him. Clearly, their negative feelings toward one another were mutual, though Castle hazarded to guess William's dislike grew significantly upon hearing the news of the lost wedding dress.
"It's okay," Kate promised him. "I'll be up in a few minutes."
William looked at Castle then back to Kate. "You're sure?"
She bobbed her head and gave his forearm a gentle squeeze. Only once he had reluctantly walked away did she look at the writer expectantly, her arms folded over her chest.
Castle was about to open his mouth to speak when the housekeeper entered the dining room and began clearing off the dinner plates. Knowing he needed a more private venue for his confession, he put his hand gently behind Kate's left shoulder and guided her into the adjoining sitting room, where they were alone. "I'm sorry about everything that's happened today: the dress, the way you walked in on me practicing what I was going to say—what I've been trying to say for weeks but I… I just could never find the words and, believe me, that irony isn't lost on me," he said with the bitter shake of his head.
Gazing down at her, he saw her stern expression begin to melt into one of slight curiosity, so he continued. "I know this is terrible timing—the worst timing. I should have said something three weeks ago…or that night after your bachelorette party when we were alone on the deck, but I…I could never get the words together. That's why I like writing because I can write something and delete it or rewrite it and-"
"Castle!" Kate cut off her friend's rambling. Her tone was not mean or particularly irritated, merely exhausted and wishing he would get to the point.
Thrown off by her sudden interruption, Castle threw his arms down at his sides. He stared at her for the better part of thirty seconds, waiting for words to come, but they never did. Instead, he did the only thing he could think of: he grabbed her biceps, pulled her forward and smashed his lips into hers.
Okay, so that probably was not the best thing he could have done in that moment. As far as first kisses went, it was rather poor. Kate's body was as rigid as the marble busts adoring the room in which they stood and, in his haste, Castle's lips had barely met their mark, but it was enough to get his point across.
When he pulled back, Kate's jaw dropped and her eyes clouded with a mix of shock, confusion, and, disappointingly, a little bit of horror. "What the hell are you-"
"I love you."
As Castle's chest heaved up and down from the rapid beating of his heart, Kate's mouth closed slowly and she stared at him wide-eyed. "I'm in love with you," he continued. "You're the last person I think about before I go to sleep and the first person I think about when I wake up. But I don't want to just be thinking about you—I want you to be there with me when I go to sleep and when I wake up. I want to make you breakfast in bed and bring coffee to your office after you've been grading papers for hours and hours."
Castle paused as he began to pace a two foot square area in front of where she stood, completely dumbfounded. "If I thought for one minute you would be happy with William, I wouldn't be saying any of this, but my god Kate you have to wake up and see that you're making a terrible mistake. Marrying someone you met two months ago? That's not you. And moving to Cairo!? Are you kidding me? You hate to be hot! And you hate the sand on the beach!"
As he had all but shouted his final words, he softened his tone. "Look, I'm not going to stand here and tell you that we'll be perfect for each other and we'll never fight and we'll get married and we'll be together forever. Maybe we will; maybe we won't, but my god, don't we owe it to ourselves to try?"
Kate stared at the writer, his hands clasped in front of him in a begging gesture. She half expected him to drop onto his knees and grovel from his expression, but he didn't. His gaze burning with the love he'd just professed made her stomach flip in her gut. She shook he head and took a half step away from him, completely overwhelmed by what she felt in that moment. "I...I don't have time for this."
Taking a step towards her, he challenged, "You don't have time to make a decision that's going to affect the rest of your life?"
Kate skimmed her hands across her brow and shook her head. Now? He was doing this now? He'd literally had hundreds if not thousands of opportunities to do so in the time they'd known each other, but he was choosing now, literally eighteen hours before she was to say "I do" to another man.
The fire of fury alighting within her she spoke sharply. "You know, you don't have a right to say any of this to me. Ten years, Rick. We've known each other for ten years, which means you had ten years of opportunities to say any of this stuff and I can't help but think you wouldn't be saying this if you didn't hate William so much."
Her words struck him like lightening. God, was that what she thought of him? That he would lie about his feelings? "If I..."
"You've been trying to break us up, haven't you?" She hadn't seen it at the time, probably because she hadn't wanted to. She was already so overwhelmed, she could barely make it through the day and remember to east on top of all the wedding prep tasks, but with his love confession, she thought back and it all became clear. He was subtle about it, she'd give him that, but the baseball game, the tiny comments he made. He was setting them up for fights and she hadn't even realized.
"It's not about that anymore. I mean it is but it's not. I don't want you to just not be with him; I want you to be with me."
A blip of laughter escaped her lips. "For what, Castle? Three months until you're ready to move on to someone else?"
Castle felt his stomach lurch. "Wha…No. God, no! I would never Kate. I love you." He reached out and grabbed her right hand and was almost surprised when she didn't pull it back. "I've loved you for ten years, but I was too scared to realize it and yeah, that's on me—I should have said something sooner, but I'm saying something now. And this isn't just a result of you being with William. I was going to say something the day you got back from your semester at Oxford. Yeah, I was," he added when he saw her eyebrows rise curiously. "Ask Javi and Kevin - they'll tell you. But then you walked in with Mr. Sophisticated and called him your fiancé..."
Castle shook his head. He was getting off track. This wasn't about William; this was about Kate. "Look that's not the point. The point is that you're my best friend and I don't want you to make any huge mistakes and marrying him would be the biggest mistake you could make."
Kate wrenched her hand out of Castle's grasp. She pursed her lips tightly together and her nostrils flared when she exhaled sharply. "Well you know what, Rick? It's my life and I get to make my own choices."
Ah, there it was; the suborn Kate Beckett he knew all too well. This was the reaction he'd feared all along. The reason he did not come right out and tell her not to marry William the moment he found out about their engagement. Tell Kate Beckett not to do something and she'll want to do it all the more just to spite you.
From the look on her face, he knew he'd lost. It killed him and he knew in coming days would cause a crater-shaped hole in his heart, but he had to let her go. Taking a step back, he lowered his chin. "Yeah...yeah I guess you do."
She turned to go, but he couldn't help himself from saying one more thing. Calling out her name, she froze, but did not turn to face him. "I really just want you to be happy," Castle said. Then, he watched her disappear up the stairs, not once looking back.