still somewhere between 12-13

Today was supposed to be a good day. Nick deserved a good day. He'd spent so long laying around just being sick- and maybe getting a lap full of Sam wasn't necessarily a bad thing- but at the Sam time, what the every living fuck was Nick supposed to do with him now? What do you do when your friend looks up at you with very expressive eyes, foists a phone into his hands and asks 'how do you want me'?

The honest answer was 'any way I can have you'.

Nick had literally spent weeks formulating and sharing stories about the bad things that he and Sam could be doing to each other. It had started out as a necessity. As proof of this fraudulent relationship to give to Gabriel. Now he was thinking about it for non validating reasons. Daydreaming. Just for fun. Sometimes in the shower. Quietly damning himself to hell with each new little fantasy.

You shouldn't think about your friends like this.

Shouldn't.

Just really shouldn't.

But Nick hadn't found a way to stop himself, just like he hadn't found the will to want to find a way to stop himself.

So he'd taken the offering of the phone, and he had taken all those 'oh god I shouldn't be doing this' feelings, and he'd taken an armful of his friend.

Nick was determined to have it all.

Sam fit against his chest too perfectly, and his wild, startled laugh made it even worse… or better.

Nick lined up the shot just like he'd been taught to. All those years of art class coming in to override the sway of hormones that had tried to drag him down. Nice and analytical. Anatomical. Pale shadows and insufficient lighting discoloring their skin, washing everything in unnatural hues. And was it really fair that Sam had a photogenic back? Lawyers weren't supposed to be built like this guy was. All lean muscle and tragically disruptive angles.

"Hold it."

And Sam did. He took a sharp breath and every muscle in his body went tight as a wire. He even held his breath.

Nick couldn't get a dog to stay. But Sam? Sam was practically trembling against him, waiting to hear the next request. It was everything that Nick could do to not try and take advantage of that. To not push those hazy boundaries just a little further.

With a great force of will, he tugged the kid's jeans back up- because he was a gentleman. He also smacked that ass- because he wasn't a saint.

"That's it?" Sam didn't move other than a flick of his eyes from the phone's camera to Nick's face.

"That's it." He announced as he lowered the phone to a more comfortable angle for them to both admire.

And Sam, legs so long he'd make a giraffe jealous, with those broad shoulders and glorious princess hair, turned and settled himself back against Nick's chest. They fit together even better this way. So Nick slid an arm around his friend, settling in if that's what he had permission to do- because it didn't matter how fevery or off kilter he felt with this damn cold still making his chest tight and his head heavy. Nick wasn't going to say no to some quality heteronormative spooning.

"It's… it's not much." Sam said slowly in the same way that people sometimes would say when they looked the paintings that Nick had done during his minimalist phase.

He wasn't offended by that careful pussy footing. "It's subtle." He corrected the verbiage. "Suggestive. What were you expecting?"

Sam hesitated, tilting his head and stared a bit harder at the picture. "Mmmh… something more like what we were looking at? A lot more ass in a picture of my ass…" he seemed to struggle trying to find the words that he wanted. His shoulders stiffened and he peered up through his mess of hair. "But that's why we ended up twenty pages deep in Google- because you wanted something more like this." And Sam laughed in that soft, horrible way that he had. "You really are weird. You know that?"

Nick made an affirmative noise and texted the picture to Gabriel because if it had Sam's approval it was obviously good to go. And he was fully aware that he was a bit odd. But what's wrong with being odd? "If I'm going to be sending a real picture of your real body to my gross little brother, it's going to be tasteful. Not you spread out and X rated."

Not that Nick wouldn't take those kinds of pictures if the opportunity presented itself- but he definitely wouldn't share them. Oh no. Not with any member of his family. Lord only knew what Gabriel would do with something so incriminating.

Probably the exact same thing that Nick would do, actually.

Bad thoughts to be having with the object of his temptation sitting in his lap.

Nick deleted the picture from his phone, doing his best to pretend that it had never been taken. Slipping quietly into his happy place, and Sam seemed to be slipping right along with him. Warm and close and damned near intoxicating.

That was probably just the fever talking… right?

Right?

Oh, but Nick couldn't have it this bad.

It wasn't fair.

He just wanted a nice day where he could watch his bad movies and laugh and cough and sink into the sickly embrace of death.

But this?

This was good too.

He kissed the top of Sam's head where it was resting back against his shoulder, and his friend harrumphed softly, approvingly. It was like damned divine permission.

Nick nosed gently through that mess of hair, thinking that he liked how Sam smelled right now- and that wasn't the most normal thing to think in that moment, but it was the most honest thing that he was willing to admit to himself.

He kissed Sam's temple, soft skin along his hair line and was rewarded with a second little noise, halfway between a grunt and a squeak. Surprised, but not upset.

Maybe Nick should have accepted the offer of medication. The fever was making him dizzy. He pulled Sam a little tighter, using him for support as he kissed behind his friend's ear. No logic in the gesture. It was just where his mouth wanted to go. His lips found Sam's throat, that rabbiting pulse practically frantic against his tongue.

"Nick?" Sam asked so softly it was negligible. Hardly even a question at all, just a hesitant breath.

The older man went stiff, suddenly realizing what he was doing.

Of all the jackass, idiotic, reckless things that he could have done right then.

Kissing Sam's throat was just about as good at loudly announcing to Sam 'hey, I've got this uncomfortably gay crush on you. Have for weeks now. Would love to strip you down and do terrible things to that fine body of yours, or you just cuddle up and drink hot cocoa. Maybe adopt a puppy. I'd be cool with that too.'

Or… you know. Something slightly less specific.

He leaned back, his whole body going tense at the horror at this slip up. "Yeah?" He asked once he remembered to breathe.

Sam reached up to touch his own neck, rubbing fitfully at the place that Nick's mouth had just vacated. It was an almost frantic gesture, fingers jumping, agitated as he scrubbed at the spot. Great.

The kid cleared his throat. "How are you feeling?"

"Warm." Nick cleared his throat too, trying to collect his thoughts, doing what he could to keep his pride intact. "Chest is a little tight and my eyes hurt." That was the fever. Had to just be the fever making him feel this way.

Sam took a sharp breath, sounding like he was forcing a smile even though Nick couldn't see his face. "Want some more NyQuil?"

And that's what Nick got. He had made an unwanted, half conscious pass at a straight man and got in return an offering of cold medicine. Sam must think that Nick was far, far worse off than he was. Might even be blaming his actions on the chest cold instead of the other, more damaging sickness that was growing inside of him. Lucky Nick. He had an excuse that sounded a hell of a lot better than 'because I wanted to'.

"No." He decided to pass up on the cherry red evil that he'd been taking shots of for the past week. "That stuff knocks me loopy and it's not actually as fun as I thought it would be."

Sam turned a little, looking up at Nick with those round, dark eyes of his. He reached out, long fingers sliding up Nick's cheek, pressing to his forehead. "Your fever's back. Let me go get you something." And Sam ran. He straight up rolled from the bed and vanished off into the dark of the apartment.

Nick found himself suddenly quite alone, and kind of cold, and fairly full of self loathing.

So at least he had that going for him.

And Sam didn't come back.

Not right away at least.

He gave Nick a good chance to really think about what he'd done. Like the timeouts that he used to get in the corner when he was a kid. Couldn't say it ever helped him then, it certainly didn't help him now.

Whether he blamed his fever or not, Nick couldn't keep doing this. Sam was… he was too important to risk losing over something as stupid as unwanted feelings.

And part of it had to be circumstantial. It had to, because Nick sure as hell wouldn't keep fucking up like this if Sam had been a female friend of his. He wouldn't keep skirting around those boundaries if it have been anyone else- because if someone's not interested you don't keep pushing. It was practically harassment at this point. Even if the kid kept taking it with a smile.

Nick took a slow and shaking breath, putting everything inside him back where it was supposed to be. Tucked away. Safe and sound where he couldn't do anymore damage to himself… or Sam, or whatever strained bits of friendship between them that he hadn't manage to completely lay ruin to by this point.

He just about had everything under control when Sam returned to the room, wearing that easy smile of his like nothing had happened and Nick felt crippled, like he'd had his knees taken out from under him.

So easily, Sam handed over some pills and climbed back into bed, not quite as close as before, but he was there.

Their hands accidentally touched somewhere on the bed between them and when Sam didn't pull away Nick felt the tightness in his chest ease a fraction.

Sam had to have suspicions at this point. Nick wasn't exactly subtle.

But he was still holding Nick's hand and that clammy warmth where their skin met, that's what forgiveness felt like.

Maybe today could still be a good day after all.