For this chapter, Gokudera will be pretty OOC. I will try to explain it throughout the chapter, and I will also put the reasons why in an author's note at the end as the biggest reason of all for the OOC will not be clarified through the actual story.
Bel had found it extremely hard to part from Dino, and he hadn't been able to stop crying and clinging to his guardian for almost an hour until the man had finally soothed him and promised to call him later in the day to check on him. Though Bel had eventually allowed Dino to leave, he had continued to sob quietly to himself for a while longer; he had only had two hours' sleep, and his own exhaustion was catching up to him.
The boy had been withdrawn at Tsuna's home, and during the car ride to the docks, he had just stared out of the window as he rubbed at his wet eyes. He wanted to go back home, but he knew he couldn't now; it was too far for him to walk back home. He tried his hardest to not think about things and instead shut himself down, but it hadn't worked for long; he quickly became consumed by anxiety again after they arrived at the docks.
"Come on, Bel."
Bel gripped tightly the door handle at Tsuna's words. He trembled violently as he fought back the urge to vomit; why did he have to be so scared all the time?! He hated it! He wanted so badly to be able to leave his bedroom without feeling as if someone was going to hurt him, to be able to interact with people normally like his friends could instead of being too scared to so much as say a word to someone. He wished so badly he could accept the hugs and caresses Dino and his friends always tried to give him instead of shying away and having panic attacks whenever someone came too close to him.
But most of all, Bel just wanted to live, and the most painful part was knowing that there was no one stopping him from living apart from himself. He was the reason he stayed in bed all the time; he was the reason he didn't go anywhere or do anything – and as much as he wished he could, Bel just couldn't do anything to change it. He had tried… so hard… to at least let people he knew and trusted touch him… But his mind was so chaotic, his anxiety had only grown worse every time he tried to put himself out of his comfort zone, and it had gotten to the point where he had become anxious of his anxiety and started to avoid everything that made him unsettled.
Bel hated himself. He hated his life. He hated having feelings, emotions. He wanted to die, to escape all the emotions he couldn't ignore, and the things in his past that haunted him every second of his life. Bel just didn't want to feel anymore. He wanted to become numb, and then maybe his mind wouldn't hurt him so much.
But that wasn't going to happen any time soon, and he was instead in a car he wasn't familiar with, being tugged out of it by someone who could never understand his suffering in order to make him get on a ship he wished had sunk on its way to the dock so he didn't have to go to that stupid resort.
"Bel, it's alright." Tsuna was understanding when Bel's whimpers quickly developed into frightened cries the more he tugged at his friend. "It's okay; we're going to get on the ship now and then we can relax."
Bel refused to let go of his door handle as he tried to pull back from Tsuna with all of his might. He was glad that the brunet was small as well, or else he would have had a hard time trying to stay in the car.
Tsuna knew he was only going to make things worse if he didn't stop pulling at Bel, so he instead turned around to see if his friends were here yet. To his relief, Gokudera and Yamamoto had just arrived.
The brunet rubbed the back of his head sheepishly as he said to Gokudera, "Can you get Bel out of the car? He won't come out, and he might listen to you."
Gokudera pulled his cigarette from his lips so that he could drop it on the ground and put it out. He smiled at the smaller male brightly as he nodded. "Of course, Tenth! Leave everything to me!"
Bel had pressed himself up against the inside of the car door so hard, one might have thought he was hoping he could become part of it. He flinched when someone came in to sit next to him, expecting it to be Tsuna ready to pull at him again. However, when he heard Gokudera's voice, he felt a slight bit of relief wash through him; he didn't think the silver-haired male would grab at him like Tsuna had been.
Gokudera's sharp eyes looked over to Bel's door. He had been questioning why no one had just opened that one and tried to pull the boy out from there, but he then understood when he saw that it had been locked; Bel sure knew what grounds to cover when he wanted to keep people away from him.
"You know, it won't be very fun to sit in the car by yourself for the next two weeks." Gokudera folded his arms against his chest as he spoke in a gentle tone. "You can try and do it, but I think you'd get bored pretty quickly."
Bel shook his head. "…"
"Are you frightened of being so far away from your home and Dino?" Gokudera wasn't surprised when he received a hesitant nod in response. He reached out and ghosted the tips of his fingers against the back of Bel's hand. The boy whimpered and pulled away from the touch, but the younger male understood; this was a very daunting situation for his boyfriend, and Bel needed support. "But everything is going to be just fine, Bel. Dino's going to get a nice, long rest, and you can have fun with us at the resort."
Bel didn't think he was going to have fun; he was sure he was going to be too unsettled to enjoy the resort. He wished Tsuna had never said anything to Dino; he just wanted to go back to his bed and lay down.
Gokudera reached out slowly until he had wrapped his arm around his boyfriend's shoulders. He wasn't surprised when it took a while for the boy to relax; he knew that the more worked up Bel was, the more frightened of physical contact he was. Though it took a while, the younger male was overjoyed when Bel started to come closer to him and eventually had curled up on his lap in his stress.
"Come out of the car now, sweetheart." The stronger male placed a gentle kiss on Bel's forehead. "We can go straight to our room on the ship; it'll just be us two and no one else."
Bel gave a shudder and one last whimper before he allowed himself to be coaxed from the car. He stood on shaky legs as he held his boyfriend's arm tight and hid behind the younger.
Gokudera patted golden locks of hair before he said to Tsuna, "You just have to be patient with him, Tenth. He gets frightened if he thinks he's being forced."
"I'm sorry, Bel." Tsuna's apology was sincere, but he was glad to see his friend had finally left the car. "Mum's already taken our things on board, and I think Reborn's there already. Let's get on the ship."
The silver-haired male wrapped one arm around Bel's waist to give him a feeling of security. "I'm going to take Bel straight to our room until he's ready to come out by himself."
Yamamoto's eyes crinkled with kindness as he gave an honest smile. "You're so good to him, Gokudera."
A flash of guilt crossed through Gokudera's chest at those words. He was thankful Yamamoto had been able to forgive him for their rocky relationship and held no ill feelings towards the smaller males, but still…
Gokudera had treated Yamamoto pretty badly, and right in front of the baseballer, he was unintentionally rubbing the fact that they could have had this into his face, too. Gokudera treated Bel nothing like he had Yamamoto, and he just hoped the taller male understood why.
The silver-haired male hummed uncomfortably as he looked anywhere but at Yamamoto. He pulled Bel tighter against him before he said, "It's what Bel needs…"
Yamamoto gave Bel a smile next. "You're really lucky to have a boyfriend who dotes on you, Bel. I bet you love him."
Bel hid his face against Gokudera's shoulder. He was struggling to work through his emotions towards his boyfriend and understand what he felt towards the younger, and hearing Yamamoto's words made him feel as if he was supposed to have made up his mind and fallen in love already. Was it really so bad that he was having a lot of trouble regarding his feelings? He had thought he still had a while to sort through everything.
It was almost as if Yamamoto knew what was bothering the older male. His expression softened completely as he reached out to put a hand on Bel's shoulder and say, "It must be hard for you, being in a relationship when something bad happened to you. It's okay if you're feeling conflicted or anything; Gokudera will still take care of you and give you time to decide how you feel. He's good like that."
As if to prove his friend's point, Gokudera grabbed Bel's hand and squeezed it. He gave a small nod before he kissed his boyfriend's cheek again, just wanting to make sure Bel knew he was cared about. "Come on, Bel. Let's go find our room."
Tsuna and Yamamoto farewelled the two now that they had boarded the ship. They couldn't help but smile after Bel, finding his shy attachment to Gokudera endearing; the blond was just so adorable at times.
It didn't take long for the two to find their room, and as soon as Gokudera had unlocked the door, Bel had stepped in and headed straight for the double bed across from them. The silver-haired male didn't mind; the older male had taken a huge leap of courage to be here and deserved to feel comfortable any way he could.
Gokudera laid down on the bed next to Bel. He slid his bag off his shoulder and dropped it onto the mattress next to them. He smiled when the blond immediately moved to nestle in against him; his boyfriend had been so affectionate for the past couple of days.
"You're so cute." Gokudera leant forward so that he could drop his forehead against the boy's temple. He lifted his hand to thread his fingers through golden locks; how adorable the other was being in this moment.
Bel frowned. He reached into his pocket to pull his phone out and start typing to Gokudera; there had been something that had bothered him for a while now… Why do you want to date me?
Gokudera hummed. "For a lot of reasons, Bel."
But only Ayane has been interested in me before, so why do you act like you really like me?
"Because I really like you, Bel. It doesn't matter how little or how many people have liked you before; all that matters is that I really hope our relationship will last. I know you have low self-esteem, and that's okay; I don't mind your baggage because it instead makes me feel a little better about myself, too. We can both be a little messed up. Together."
You like me because I'm messed up? Bel didn't know how he was supposed to take those words; on one hand, they stung a little. On the other… Well, Bel couldn't really think of the other hand.
"No; I like you because you're you. Look; I'm really not good with words or these kinds of things, but… I… Whatever made you this way, you can tell me, Bel. I really like you, and just because you have these, uh… problems, doesn't change that. I can look after you and I can love you. So don't doubt yourself or think you're not good enough; I don't mind that you're in pain, and as long as you'll let me help you through it, you'll always be good enough for me, Bel. I promise."
Bel nodded. He threw his phone onto the mattress behind him as he moved to snuggle in as far against Gokudera as he could get. The younger male rubbed the boy's arm and side soothingly, knowing that the other just wanted to be close to him.
"You should have a shower before lunch." Gokudera twirled a lock of dirty golden hair around his finger. He was gentle as he spoke, knowing that he couldn't let Bel think the younger was trying to boss him around. "I've heard people say that looking after yourself makes you feel better when you have depression. If you have a shower, you might feel good enough to come and have lunch with us in the restaurant."
Bel didn't want to have a shower; he wanted to lay here with Gokudera forever. But if the younger thought it might help him to feel a little better…
The boy pushed himself into a sitting position on the bed. It took a little more effort for him to stand, and even more coaxing from Gokudera for him to finally enter the bathroom and turn the shower on. He heard his boyfriend call through the closed door and tell him that he was going to get the blond's bag from Nana's room and that he would be right back, and in knowing that Gokudera wasn't in the room anymore, Bel simply stood by the running shower and making no effort to get dressed; why would he want to get dressed when all he would see all over his body is scar after scar after scar from Xanxus?
Bel fought back tears. He hated his body so much, it made him want to slice himself up and replace the man's markings with wounds of his own – maybe then he wouldn't be so disgusted and ashamed of his own body.
~~XX~~
It had taken a bit for Gokudera to retrieve his boyfriend's bag as he hadn't been able to find Tsuna or his mother for a while; they had been sightseeing along the cruise ship, so it had taken longer than planned to get back to Bel and make sure he was okay.
The silver-haired male hadn't seen anything wrong with walking into his room without knocking on the door in case Bel had already gotten out of the shower; the way he saw it, they were boyfriends, and as long as the younger kept his hands to himself, Bel shouldn't have too much of a problem if Gokudera were to see him naked – but seeing the terrified look on Bel's face as he was caught in the middle of drying his hair with his towel said everything.
"Bel, I – Bel?" Gokudera felt his stomach clench as he caught sight of all those scars on the boy's body Bel was now so desperately trying to hide with his towel. He swallowed thickly as he stepped closer to Bel. The boy backed himself away from the other until he had trapped himself against the wall. He looked anywhere but at Gokudera, not wanting to see the disgust on the other's face, or hear his boyfriend's cruel remarks now that he had seen the blond's body.
Gokudera didn't let the older male's fear deter him; he knew that right now was the most crucial time of all for him to make sure Bel knew he was loved. "Those scars… Someone gave them to you, didn't they?"
"…" Bel trembled harder, terrified to think of what Gokudera could possibly have to say to him.
"Someone… really hurt you…" Gokudera reached out and pressed his palm against Bel's face. He caressed the boy's cheek, more gentle than he had ever been with anyone. He took a deep breath before he whispered, "…Can I see…?"
Bel shook his head. He was too frightened to give up his thin sheet of protection because he was certain that if Gokudera saw his body, the younger would abandon him out of pure disgust – how could anyone want to be near him if they knew the scarring all over his body?
Gokudera was far from stupid; he knew what was bothering Bel, and he also knew that it wouldn't be easy to help the older male, but if they could make just a bit of improvement, it would be worth it; Bel deserved nothing but love and support, and encouragement to help him turn his life around and get better.
"Whatever they did to you, that's not your fault, Bel. Those scars? They're not your fault, either. Someone forced them on you; you didn't ask for them. If anyone treats you badly because of those scars, they aren't worth your time, Bel. When you love someone, you look past all the bad things and you focus on the parts that draw you to someone. Like with the Tenth. His whole life, he's been called 'No-Good Tsuna'. And yes, he does have no-good traits. But they have nothing to do with how I feel about him as my best friend. And those scars you have? From the moment I met you, I knew you had deep emotional scars, too. But I look past all of that, because the reason I care about you isn't for physical or emotional reasons; it's because you're someone I want to protect and care for, and share my happiness with."
"…" Bel felt a single tear roll down his cheek. He flinched when he felt Gokudera's thumb wipe it away. He didn't resist as he was pulled into a tight hug; he needed the warmth of the younger's arms around him to keep him from crying even more.
"Even if you never tell me what happened to you…" Gokudera placed a gentle kiss against Bel's lips before he continued whispering to the older male, "…trust me to love you exactly as you are…"
Bel didn't know why, seconds later, he slowly lowered the towel enough for Gokudera to see his body. He closed his eyes and struggled against his emotions; he just didn't want to see himself, and he couldn't understand why Gokudera wanted to.
"Some of these scars are your own." The younger student looked up at Bel. He wasn't surprised when he received a nod in response; a couple of the scars weren't as old as most of them, and it looked as if they had been created over older wounds – as if Bel had tried to replace them with another scar. "You'd rather look at wounds done by your own hand than see the originals…"
Bel nodded again. He didn't understand how Gokudera could scrutinise him like this and continue to stare at the evidence of the boy's pathetic existence.
And then, Gokudera saw it; the reason he truly understood why Bel was unable to be touched or seen beneath his clothing. There, between his legs, was a single testicle and a penis that looked to be scarred all over – no wonder Bel got frightened of intimacy; the poor thing was probably too ashamed of his lower region to ever have sex.
Gokudera could see how hard Bel was trying not to cry. He was proud of the other; it must have taken so much for the boy to trust him enough to show him.
"Bel, I love you." The silver-haired male smiled as he kissed his boyfriend's lips. "This will just be between us, alright? I won't tell anyone about your body. It'll be our little secret."
Bel nodded. He was glad Gokudera hadn't ran away screaming in horror. He wrapped his arms around the younger as he pressed himself in against Gokudera's chest, silently asking for a hug.
"Bel?" Gokudera was only too happy to give his boyfriend an embrace. He pecked the boy's forehead with his lips before he said in a soft tone, "May I see your eyes?"
Bel stiffened for a few seconds before he hesitantly reached up to brush his long bangs from his eyes. He looked anywhere but at Gokudera as he did it, not wanting for the younger to see the emotional storm that seemed to live in his orbs.
"Bel…"Gokudera was breathless. He stared into violet-coloured eyes as he tried to process his thoughts; never before had he seen such a stunning sight before. "Bel, they're… They're beautiful."
"…"
Gokudera smiled brightly. "You don't have to hide your eyes around me, Bel. They give away a lot of what you're feeling, but they're just so beautiful."
Bel could have cried. He had never had someone say such nice things to him before. Sure, he had Squalo and Dino who always gave him serious talks, but… Neither of them had ever known how to talk to him and invoke such intense emotions in him.
Gokudera seemed to know exactly how to talk to Bel to help him through things, in ways that Dino and Squalo couldn't do. The younger male held just the right mixture of kindness and firmness, and it was now that Bel understood his boyfriend was sincere every time the silver-haired male told him that he cared about Bel.
"Let's get you dressed and ready for lunch. You don't have to hide your body from me anymore, but if you're more comfortable that way, it's okay; I'll give you privacy whenever you're taking clothing off."
For the first time since they had been dating, Bel took the plunge and gave Gokudera an honest kiss against the lips. He had never taken the initiative to do so before, and this time, he knew he was ready for the next step of their relationship; he parted his lips and invited his boyfriend into his mouth.
Gokudera accepted the invitation. He was careful to not overwhelm Bel, so he didn't keep their mouths locked together for long; he pulled away once he was sure the boy would be starting to lose his breath.
"I love you, Bel…" Gokudera smiled at the blush that was quickly coating Bel's cheeks. He rubbed the boy's cheek with his thumb before he said, "Go get dressed now, and then we'll lay down together for a while before lunch."
Bel nodded, having no objections; laying quietly with Gokudera sounded like the best idea ever right now.
So the reason for Gokudera being so OOC towards Bel in this fic is because it's an AU, and Bel isn't his usual cocky self who always antagonises him like in canon. I'm working with the idea that, for canon, they always fight with each other because of their history together and their personalities clash. Whereas here, Gokudera has no reason to feel agitated or worked up because of Bel's bratty nature – because it just doesn't exist. Instead, he just sees Bel as a lost, broken soul who needs someone to take care of him, which is why he's so kind and gentle towards Bel. He doesn't feel threatened of the idea of Tsuna liking Bel more than Gokudera like he does with Yamamoto in canon because even if Tsuna does like Bel more, Gokudera can accept that because he knows Bel needs love, and he also knows that Bel just has that aura about him that makes one want to protect him and look after him and never let him get hurt.