It had been four years since Bel had started to date Gokudera, and in that time, he begun to get better with the younger male's help; while Bel was still severely depressed, he was able to spend more time out of his bed and with his friends. He was still suicidal, and there were the nights where he just couldn't sleep and the cuts on his wrists would accumulate, but he was able to smile more and more, and all that mattered was that he was starting to learn what it was like to be happy again.
It was the morning of Gokudera's eighteenth birthday, and Bel had been the first one to wake up. He was a little excited, eager to give his boyfriend his present and spend the day with him. He smiled softly as he snuggled in against the younger male, reaching out so that he could play with soft strands of silver.
Gokudera groaned softly before his eyes flickered open. He frowned as he noticed the time on the alarm clock behind Bel; it was still so early… "Go back to sleep, Bel; it's five-thirty."
Bel shook his head; how could he go back to sleep when he was feeling so joyful? His smile widened when he felt long fingers reach out to thread through his hair, and he couldn't help but press into the touch; even when Gokudera was so tired, he was still so affectionate.
"We'll get up at six-thirty; go back to sleep…" With that said, Gokudera was out like a light. He had been up late last night studying in between taking care of Bel, and he was too tired to indulge in his boyfriend's habit of waking up too early.
Bel didn't want to go back to sleep, but he also didn't want to get out of bed any time soon; he was so comfortable next to Gokudera, and he just wanted to lay there forever. He laid against the younger male as he watched the sun rise through the balcony doors, and once he heard Gokudera's alarm go off, he couldn't help but sit up in excitement; he was sure he was more excited than his boyfriend was, but that was okay; it wasn't every day he could feel energy rushing through him like this.
Gokudera sighed as he turned the alarm off. He wanted to go back to sleep, but he knew Bel wouldn't let him; not after the silver-haired male had promised to get up now. He opened his eyes as he looked up at the smaller male, unable to keep a smile from crossing his face as he noticed the happy grin Bel was donning.
"Good morning, Bel." Gokudera reached out and put his hand on Bel's knee. "Did you sleep well? I don't remember waking up with you last night."
Bel nodded. It was true he had had a good sleep; he had been looking forward to today so much, even his nightmares had been absent. He leant down so that he could kiss his boyfriend, having grown to love every little interaction he could share with Gokudera; the younger male meant so much to him, but he didn't know how to express it outside of kisses and hugs.
The silver-haired male stifled a yawn before he, too, sat up. He rubbed at his eyes before he said, "I'm not going to go to school today. The Tenth has to go, but you and I can go out for lunch today. Would you like that?"
Bel's smile brightened as he nodded; he didn't mind what they did together because he just loved spending time with Gokudera.
"Good. In the meantime, let's have a coffee before we shower. Would you like your hot chocolate in bed again?"
Bel shook his head. He made a soft sound before he jumped forward and knocked Gokudera back onto the mattress. He lay on top of the younger, rubbing their cheeks together.
Gokudera couldn't help but smile. He rested his palm against Bel's cheek as he said, "Someone's in a good mood today. You're not usually this bouncy in the mornings until you have your hot chocolate."
Bel hummed in response. He readjusted himself so that he was curled up on top of his boyfriend; there was nothing more relaxing than waking up in the mornings next to Gokudera, and he was just so happy Dino had finally allowed him to move in with the younger; as much as he loved his guardian, Bel felt much happier living with the silver-haired male.
Gokudera kissed the older male's lips before he pushed gently at the other's frail chest. "It's time to get up now, Bel; you know I need my coffee in the mornings."
Bel nodded. He sat back on his haunches as he watched Gokudera get up from the bed. He waited until his boyfriend had left the room before he, too, followed; he never had liked being too far away from the younger.
"Hey, Bel?" Gokudera called out from the kitchen as Bel moved straight to the living room to wait patiently for his hot chocolate. "Bianchi said she'll stop by for breakfast to give me my present. She said Mink has to be in our room when she gives me the present. I'm not sure why, but after your shower, can you put Mink in our room?"
Bel knew he didn't need to show he had heard the younger; Gokudera had learnt long ago how to talk to the smaller male when the other was still mute after all these years. The blond instead turned the TV on so that he could watch the news as he waited for his hot chocolate; he was so spoilt by his boyfriend, and he hoped Gokudera understood how much he appreciated everything the younger did for him.
It didn't take long for Gokudera to come into the living room with two mugs in his hands. He smiled as he passed one to his boyfriend before he sat next to the older male; even if Bel never talked, the blond's company was still very pleasant.
"Dino messaged me last night." The silver-haired male chuckled when Bel dropped his head to his boyfriend's shoulder. "He asked me how you're going. I told him you went to bed early and he was happy you're getting some sleep now. Are the sleeping tablets making you feel okay?"
Bel hummed happily as he nodded. He let out a sigh of contentment as he moved closer to his boyfriend, but he soon frowned as he heard his phone beeping from the kitchen bench where he had left it to charge last night; he didn't want to get up and check it because he just wanted to stay with Gokudera.
"Don't worry about it, sweetheart." Gokudera kissed his boyfriend's lips before he continued on. "You can check it later. Just tell them you were still sleeping."
Bel nodded. He turned his attention to his hot chocolate; while he sipped at them, Gokudera usually finished his coffees within minutes of making them.
Like now, as the younger male stood up to take his empty mug back to the kitchen. He called over his shoulder as he left. "Finish your hot chocolate; I'm going to have my shower and you can have yours after I get out."
Bel frowned, but he didn't protest; unlike Dino, who had often been too busy with his work to always keep track of whenever the younger blond cared for his hygiene and sometimes let the boy get away with not showering or looking after himself, Gokudera found it a lot easier to keep an eye on his boyfriend and encourage him to shower. It didn't mean Bel willingly did it, and he would sometimes try and get out of taking his showers, but now that showering was becoming a morning ritual for him, it was easier to find the motivation to take care of himself.
The blond lay down on the couch as he listened to the sounds of running water from the bathroom. He always felt a little anxious whenever Gokudera was in a separate room, but he didn't feel comfortable going near the bathroom while his boyfriend was in there; he would rather wait somewhere else for Gokudera to come back.
Thankfully, Gokudera didn't take long to come back and coax Bel into having his own shower.
~~XX~~
When Bel had emerged from his bedroom after having his shower and getting dressed, he went back to the living room to sit with Gokudera. He stopped in the hallway when he heard his boyfriend's sister talking, but he soon found the courage to continue on; Bianchi had never done anything to him before, and he knew Gokudera wouldn't let her start now.
"Oh, Bel." Gokudera grinned when he noticed the older male stepping into the living room. "Come look at what Bianchi got me."
Bel cocked his head to the side before he moved back to his spot on the couch. He peered down into the taller male's arms, his head tilting further as he noticed what looked to be a fluffy lump being held against Gokudera's chest.
"It's a kitten." Gokudera lifted the animal up for Bel to hold. "Isn't he cute? I'm going to name him Uri."
Bel smiled as he took the kitten into his arms. He loved animals, finding them to be very relaxing. He knew he would have to watch Mink around the kitten, but he was sure it would be okay; he wouldn't let anything happen to Gokudera's new kitten.
Bianchi had never been one to talk a lot, but Bel didn't mind; he preferred when she paid more attention to her brother than she did to him because it was less for him to stress over. "Did Bel give you a morning present?"
Gokudera frowned as he looked over to Bel. He wasn't surprised that his boyfriend was donning an upset look at the question; the blond wasn't stupid and knew what Bianchi was insinuating. He reached out with one arm to invite the smaller male to rest against him, and he didn't speak again until he was holding Bel close. "You know we don't have sex…"
"Then how have you two managed for four years without it?" It was true Bianchi and Gokudera didn't always get along, but that didn't mean she didn't love her brother; she would do anything to protect him because she just worried about him. "Surely you've had it together at least once."
Gokudera shook his head as he squeezed Bel tighter against him. "We don't have it. Bel isn't ready. I mean… It's not like I don't want it or something, because I do… But it's up to Bel when we have it, and he knows we don't have to have it if he doesn't want to. I want him to be ready before we have it."
Bel felt terrible. He knew how much Gokudera wanted to have sex with him, but the younger male was being so very patient with him and never asked for sexual acts. If the student was aroused, he took care of it in the bathroom so he didn't frighten Bel, and he never watched porn until Bel was out of the house for the day – he wouldn't even watch it while Bel was fast asleep at night, because he didn't want for the older male to learn to associate their home with any anxiety he still carried around.
Bel didn't understand why Bianchi was bringing this up, and it upset him; he felt as if he were supposed to give his boyfriend birthday sex, as if he should have gotten over his trauma years ago and let Gokudera fuck him as much as he wanted to, whenever he wanted. He knew that Dino hadn't waited long before he started having sex with his ex-girlfriends, and that Yamamoto, too, had already had it. It seemed that everywhere he looked, there was sex around him, everywhere but in his own home, with his own boyfriend.
Was Bel a bad boyfriend for being unable to have sex? Was he being cruel to Gokudera by depriving the younger of his needs? Just because Bel himself couldn't feel sexual desire, was it fair of him to expect for Gokudera to wait for so long?
"I told Bel when we started dating that we don't need to have sex, and I still stand by that."
Bel snapped out of his thoughts as he heard Gokudera's voice. He looked up at his boyfriend, watching with wary eyes as the younger explained things to his sister.
"I'm not going to rush him into anything he isn't ready for, and even if we never have sex together, I don't care; I promised Bel that there will be no sex if he doesn't want it, and that isn't going to change."
Bianchi nodded. She knew how stubborn her brother could be at times, and she didn't want to argue about it in front of Bel; the blond was probably already feeling bad enough about making Gokudera wait for so long.
"I've got to go, Hayato. Have a good birthday." Bianchi, who had stopped by on her way to work, stood up. "I'll see you later."
Gokudera nodded. He didn't get up to see her out; he was too busy holding Bel close to him. "See you then."
It was silent when the apartment door closed quietly half a minute later. Gokudera looked down to Bel, seeing that the older male was still nursing the kitten tightly as he frowned down at his lap. He pressed a gentle kiss to the corner of Bel's lips before he said, "Don't worry about what anyone says, Bel; they don't need to know why we don't have sex. I meant it when I said I don't care if we ever have it or not; I don't want you to feel pressured or anything."
Bel sighed. He leant forward so that he could take his notepad and pen from the floor in front of the couch. Am I a bad boyfriend for not wanting sex?
Gokudera shook his head. "Nope. You have needs, and I don't mind; even if no one else understands, I do, Bel. I love you."
Bel smiled softly as he turned around to wrap his arms around his boyfriend. He wanted so badly to be able to tell Gokudera verbally that he loved the younger, too, but no matter how hard he tried to mouth the words, all he could manage was an anxious squeak before he stopped; despite so many years having passed, his anxiety level was still too high for him to be able to speak again.
Gokudera didn't mind; he just chuckled as he lifted his hand to caress Bel's cheek. "You don't have to say it; I know you love me, too, baby."
Bel's smile widened as he tilted his head upwards to kiss the younger's cheek. He snuggled in close against his boyfriend as he closed his eyes in contentment; he was so glad he had said yes to Gokudera all those years ago because he knew he couldn't have been as happy as he was now if he had said no.
~~XX~~
Bel liked it when they had their parties at their own homes; while he enjoyed going out with Gokudera, he didn't like big gatherings in public and instead felt more comfortable at his own home. Tsuna and Yamamoto had come around after they had finished school, and Dino and Fran had come around a little later.
Bel hadn't minded the small group in his home because they had allowed him to have the couch to himself and do his own thing. He had been happy, having fun with his friends, but when Dino approached him out of the blue with an uncertain expression on his face, he knew the other had bad news for him.
"I know you're happy with Hayato, Bel." Dino reached out and threaded his fingers through the younger's soft golden locks. He sighed before he looked away and said, "…I'm thinking of moving back to Italy to be there for Squalo, and I don't think it'd be very good to leave you up here on your own – not when I won't be here for you when Gokudera needs another break… Do you think you'll be able to come back to Italy, Bel?"
Bel felt as if his whole world had come shattering down, and he couldn't remember the last time he had cried so hard; when he was finally learning how to be happy again… Dino wanted to take him away.
Why was life so cruel…?